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: And you just gotta remember, Sparky - no matter what they tell you - you can *never* have too much sugar.
: You know, I invented marriage Pansy Milbank
: Oh really? Michael
: Yep. All these people were milling around, trying to get together, everything was in chaos so I told 'em, "Have a ceremony".
: Remember what John and Paul said. Frank Quinlan
: The apostles? Michael
: No, the Beatles. All you need is love.
: Can I just pull on your wings to see how they're attached? Michael
: Why don't you pull on your pecker to see how it's attached? Pansy Milbank
: Hey. Language. Frank Quinlan
: An angel that says "pecker." Pansy Milbank
: Whatever they say, you can never have too much of earth.
: You gotta learn to laugh, it's the way to true love.
: The miles will fly and your children won't cry, if you play car bingo.
: I'm not that kind of angel.
: Bring him back. Michael
: That's not my area. Frank Quinlan
: Would someone please tell me what his area is? Don't give me that "that's not my area" stuff. BRING HIM BACK.
: Hey, what's the opposite of white? Frank Quinlan
: Black. Michael
: No. Yolk.
: Money Changers!
: No injuries, 6360 battles.
: Then what happened was, he came as a hundred mouths, open and stinking with decay... and he tore at my flesh from every angle of Heaven. I grabbed Beelzebub's blue tongue in my fist... Old Geezer #1
: Wait, who is Beelzebub? Michael
: Beelzebub is Satan!
: I knew He'd send you, Gabriel... You were always so eager to please Him. Gabriel
: Unlike you... The rebellious son.
: This can't be. You've disobeyed Him. Michael
: You gave Him what he asked for. I gave Him what He needed.
: [Michael has just spared Gabriel
] I would not have shown you such mercy. Michael
: I know. That's why you failed Him.
: You know this is crazy, right? I mean... I don't even believe in God. Michael
: Well, that's just fine, Bob. He doesn't believe in you either.
: When God chose your kind as the object of His love, I was the first in all of heaven to bow down before you. My love, my hope for mankind was no less than His. But I have watched you trample that gift. I have watched you kill each other over race and greed... waging war over dust and rubble and the words in old books. And yet, in the midst of all this darkness, I see some people who will not be bowed. I see some people who will not give up, even when they know all hope is lost. Some people, who realize being lost is so close to being found. I see you, Jeep. Fifteen years old, your mother leaves. Your father withdraws from the world and you spend the next five years of your young life helping him find his way home. You love a woman who bears the child of another and you love her with no thought of yourself, even though you know she may never love you the way you love her. You, Jeep... you are the reason I still have faith.
: Alright, there's a safety switch on the side of your weapon, you won't be needing it. Push it all the way down, two clicks. Now when this starts, you hold on tight. Otherwise you're gonna blow your hand off. Percy Walker
: [Everyone looks at Percy, who has a prosthetic hand
] What the fuck y'all lookin' at me for?
: I knew he'd send you Gabriel, you were always so eager to please him. Gabriel
: Unlike you.
: [inserts magazine into assault rifle
] Listen. I simply don't care what you people believe. And those things outside, they don't care either, they just want the child dead. Now, this first attack was a test of our strength, the next will be a test of our weakness. Now, we can sit here and discuss it or you can try to help me. But believe me, something much worse is on the way.
[racks assault rifle
: This is not your test, Michael. How dare you presume to know His heart? Michael
: [putting a hand to his chest
] Because He made this one. And it tells me He shouldn't lose faith now.
: They have brought this judgment on themselves. Michael
: They are just lost. It is our duty to guide them.
: Tell me, Gabriel. Do you wish to be the son who gives his father what he asks for, or what he needs?
: Now at least the child will have a chance to grow up. A chance to lead the world out of darkness. Charlie
: What happens until then? Michael
: You need to show him how. Charlie
: What makes you think I can do that? What makes you think I want to do that? If he's so important, why don't you take him? Michael
: Because this journey is yours.
: The last time God lost faith in Man, He sent a flood. This time, He sent what you see outside. Percy Walker
: Are you saying this is the apocalypse? Michael
: I'm saying this is an extermination.
: [Villagers lie dead in a field. Xena and Gabrielle walk through them
] Xena, what kind of animal would do this? Xena
: [Michael appears. Xena suddenly draws her sword on him
] What do you *want*, Michael? Archangel Michael
: I sense hostility. I want you to know I'm all right with that. Xena
: Well, that is big of you, considering last time you saw me, you tried to have me cast down into *Hell*... Archangel Michael
: Desperate times warrant desperate measures.
] Archangel Michael
: As you see, some new desperate times have arrived. Xena
: [referring to the dead innocent villagers
] Who *did* this? Archangel Michael
] Archangel Michael
: You know his reputation. Xena
: He's a psycho, a sex addict and a murderer; your run-of-the-mill Roman emperor... Gabrielle
: And he thinks he's a God. Archangel Michael
: No, he *is* a God. Xena
: He's immortal? But how did that happen? Archangel Michael
: I don't know. What's important is that the God of Eli gave you the power to kill Gods. You're the only one who can stop Caligula. He killed Tiberius in order to gain power - murdered every last member of his family. He's slain anybody who won't swear allegiance to his Cult of Blood. He wants to write his name into the history books as one of the Great Gods of the Pantheon. And he'll destroy anyone who won't submit to him. Xena
: Including angels, no doubt. Archangel Michael
] And, uh, the followers of Eli. Xena
] If anything's happened to Eve, Michael... Archangel Michael
: Not yet, but your daughter has the courage of her convictions. She's gone to confront Caligula's persecution. Gabrielle
: Eve's in Rome? Xena
] If I find out that you're behind *any* of this, Michael, I swear, I... Archangel Michael
: As you well know, Xena, your daughter obeys a higher power than me. Xena
: Michael, don't forget; if I can kill Gods... I can kill angels, too!
: [Eve is praying with the Elijans, in the middle of a circle of them. Michael appears and touches her forehead. The Elijans are unaware of what is happening
] At last.
: I'm ready! Archangel Michael
: You are ready. Eve
: Yes, Archangel. Archangel Michael
: You're afraid... Eve
: No, it's - I'm... Archangel Michael
: Have no fear.
[Michael leads Eve away to face Caligula
: So you'll become what you loathe the most.
: One way or the other, this war ends tonight.
: You dare talk of heaven, when you've besmirched so many souls with your nefarious filth? Xena
: Besmirched... is that even a real word?