Dr. Eric Foreman
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Quotes for
Dr. Eric Foreman (Character)
from "House M.D." (2004)

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"House M.D.: Finding Judas (#3.9)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: [yells] I need more pills!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No! You are on a reasonable...
Dr. Gregory House: What the hell does "reasonable" mean?
[Alice's heart rate and blood pressure go up and her monitor beeps]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Keep it quiet. Her BP reacts to stress and yelling is not go...
Dr. Gregory House: You think that I'm not in pain, then don't give me anything. Keep me away from the aspirin. If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Fine, you need more pills! You're not getting them. You can have the aspirin you want.
[House walks out of the room]
Dr. Eric Foreman: I say we draw straws. Loser drives out to Trenton, scores him an 8-ball.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook.
Dr. Gregory House: It's never lupus.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [about the patient, Alice] She's six. Six-year-olds don't get gallstones.
Dr. Gregory House: So, she didn't have pancreatitis?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Your theory is an invisible gallstone?
Dr. Robert Chase: His theory correctly predicted the pancreatitis.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Chase] You might wanna wait until he actually tell us his theory before you start kissing his theory's ass.

Dr. Robert Chase: I wasn't kissing his ass.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over.
Dr. Robert Chase: He predicted the pancreatitis.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's his dad's fault.
Dr. Robert Chase: My dad was an ass.
Dr. Allison Cameron: But you did everything he wanted you to and in return, you got everything you wanted.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, it's that simple.
Dr. Allison Cameron: His strategy worked. Dad got him a cushy job, paid for his cushy life.
Dr. Robert Chase: Cut me out of his cushy will.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I told you, just his nature. Poor guy's hardwired to kiss ass.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [when Tritter freezes Cameron and Foreman's accounts] Tritter froze my account. They're checking theirs. I'm on hold with a lawyer.
Dr. Gregory House: [takes Foreman's cell phone, turns it off, and tosses it on the table] Call Wilson's lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed. This kid has no history of allergies.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shouting] You gotta talk to Tritter. You gotta make this go away!
Dr. Robert Chase: [sarcastic tone] Yeah, great plan! The man's obviously open to reason.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Got any money for lunch?
Dr. Robert Chase: If you like parsley and croutons. Tritter finally froze my accounts.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Really?
Dr. Robert Chase: You surprised? Why wouldn't he?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I figured if he was singling you out, you must have done something different.
Dr. Robert Chase: What? Like talking?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, and now that he's frozen your accounts, you probably will. You need the cash, right?
Dr. Robert Chase: He doesn't freeze my accounts, I'm guilty. He does freeze my accounts, I'm guilty.

Dr. Robert Chase: [when Tritter released Chase, Cameron, and Foreman's accounts] Maybe he wants us to think that one of us talked.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It worked.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You were with him.
Dr. Robert Chase: We were all with him.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We weren't laughing with him.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [when House suggests amputating Alice's arm and leg] You're talking about crippling her.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [after House yells at them] He's yelled at us before.
Dr. Allison Cameron: 'Cause he thought our theories were dumb, not because our theories were sending him to jail.
[Chase is playing with House's laser pointer]
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's going through withdrawal, could be causing mild paranoia. It'll pass, we just have to suffer through it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: We never ruled out allergy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We gave her drugs, she had no negative reaction.
Dr. Allison Cameron: We cut open her belly, she got a rash on her belly. We did a scratch test on her back, she got a rash on her back. I know House ruled out mojo, but it can't be a coincidence.
[Chase points the laser pointer at Foreman]
Dr. Robert Chase: Little late to be playing differental games, isn't it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shields his eyes] Get that thing away from me! I don't wanna get burned.
Dr. Robert Chase: Laser pointers don't burn you, genius.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Skin, no. Retina, yes.
Dr. Robert Chase: You don't trust my aim? Maybe you should cover any sensitive...
[thinks for a minute, then has an epiphany. He puts down the laser pointer]
Dr. Robert Chase: He was wrong about the puppies!
[jumps from his seat and races out of the room]

Dr. Eric Foreman: You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook?
Dr. Gregory House: It's never lupus.


"House M.D.: Need to Know (#2.11)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Peeing on a stick is only 99% accurate. Get a real pregnancy test. You know, the one with the blood and the hormones and the rabbit. Oh, I'm sorry. It's still your limo. What do you say, Miss Daisy?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: Lame duck's done quacking.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You quack, people shoot at you. Cuddy just put me here to make you miserable. Another two days, you can go back to making yourself miserable.

Dr. Eric Foreman: It's the perfect marriage: there's nothing to fight about if you never talk about anything.

Dr. Gregory House: Foreman, need your help here. You want to pull a bank job, would you go it alone? You gonna rob a house, sure, it's a one or two man crew. A bank, a lookout, getaway driver...
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not saying anything till this metaphor plays itself out.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Hyper-vigilance, sudden irritability.
Dr. Gregory House: Symptomatic of... lunch with Cuddy?

Dr. Gregory House: [House wants to discharge a patient] We're done. Get rid of her!
Dr. Eric Foreman: We're not done! We have to confirm the diagnosis before we send her home to die of something else!
Dr. Gregory House: [looks Foreman in the eye] Oh, yes... the power tastes so sweet! You just can't resist! You're like a diabetic at the ice cream counter, you want to say no, but you *need* that chocolatey goodness!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, well, I'm still signing the charts. So until tomorrow, you're not allowed to kill anyone.
[walks away]
Dr. Gregory House: Wuss!

Dr. Eric Foreman: Hypervigilance, sudden irritability...
Dr. Gregory House: Symptomatic of... lunch with Cuddy?

Dr. Robert Chase: Millions of women are on fertility treatments, and they don't get cancer.
Dr. Gregory House: Right. They get babies. She had a blood clot and a stroke. She'll get another one and probably die if we don't find that tumor. Do an endometrial biopsy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Biopsy's painful and unnecessary. We just did an ultrasound.
Dr. Gregory House: [squints and looks at his watch]
Dr. Eric Foreman: What?
Dr. Gregory House: Shh.
Dr. Cameron: If you have a personal issue that's interfering with...
Dr. Gregory House: [interrupts] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What are we waiting for?
Dr. Gregory House: Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine has just begun. Now go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer.
[goes into his office]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shakes his head and smiles]
Dr. Robert Chase: [looks confused] Hoo-hoo?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He went to Hopkins.

Dr. Gregory House: What does the flailing look like?
Dr. Robert Chase: Her arms spasm uncontrollably and there's a mild facial twitch.
Dr. Gregory House: Demonstration?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [in a impatient tone] You wanna know what it looks like, go see the patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Ooh, snarky. Was he like this the whole time I was gone?

Dr. Eric Foreman: They're prescribed to her daughter.
Dr. Gregory House: Mommy does everything for her family now days. Even takes their pills.


"House M.D.: Epic Fail (#6.2)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: I quit.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [pause] You can't quit.
Dr. Gregory House: I think you're confusing me with Jake Gyllenhaal.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I want to run the department.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You consider waiting until House clears the lobby before you start angling for his job?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's not dead, or sentimental. And somebody need to do it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not necessarily, Departments of Diagnostic Medicine don't exist. Only reason we have one is House.

Dr. Eric Foreman: House was an egotistical pill popping law suit magnet... and a genius. And I worked with him longer than anybody else. I can do this.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Look at that. No House, the job still gets down.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: And yet, something's missing.
Dr. Chris Taub: I'm short. He's black. You're gay-ish.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: That's it.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [Foreman picks up House's red ball] You know how House feels about people touching his ball.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No. Chase refuses to tell me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Right. My husband's gay. Witty.

Vince: So you must be the genius's replacement.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I prefer to think of myself as genius 2.0.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: You're breaking up with me?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No! The other night when I thought I was done, you were there. I *need* you. I don't want to lose you.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Uh, why are you...?... You're firing me.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm sorry.

Dr. Allison Cameron: You saw House, how was he?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He was... good. He was honest, took responsibility. It was kind of weird.


"House M.D.: The Jerk (#3.23)" (2007)
Dr. Gregory House: I hate this kid.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I like this kid.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Hey!
[House heads to the elevator]
Dr. Gregory House: Something on your mind?
[hits elevator button]
Dr. Gregory House: Because you totally can't tell.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I had a job interview lined up at New York Mercy yesterday.
Dr. Gregory House: Hospital for Manhattan's glitterati. Big coup. Your homies must be kvelling.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [angry tone] Didn't happen because apparently I called to cancel. I don't remember making that call. You think I have neurological issues?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
[elevator dings and doors open]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shouting] Why are you jerking me around?
Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't me.
[gets into the elevator]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, it was one of the other petty, socially-repressed asses I work for.
[gets into the elevator with House]
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher.
[the elevator closes; scene cuts to House and Foreman walking off the elevator]
Dr. Eric Foreman: If you want me to stay, tell me you want me to stay.
Dr. Gregory House: Would it matter?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No, but it'd be the adult way to handle it.
Dr. Gregory House: If the adult way doesn't work, why bother with it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I've been totally professional! Gave two weeks notice, continued to work cases, scheduled my interviews on my own time! You have no right to screw with my future.
Dr. Gregory House: You're gonna be all whiny during the differental diagnosis, aren't you?
Dr. Gregory House: [Foreman starts to walk away] It wasn't me.
[Foreman turns to House]
Dr. Gregory House: I only sabotage people I consider worth it.
[Foreman walks away; House heads to his office]

Nate: Hey, Dr. X?
[Foreman looks at him]
Nate: I know you've busted ass trying to save me.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's all right.
Nate: I wasn't gonna thank you.
[coughs]
Nate: I was gonna tell you you really suck at this.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We're doing our best.
Nate: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.
[Foreman sighs]

Nate: So, do people watch what they say around you?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Because I'm black?
Nate: No, because you're gay.

Dr. Eric Foreman: And when that case comes along that I can't figure out, you know who I'd have to go to?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Or you can just let that patient die, that's completely up to you.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Nate went medieval on the other kid... could be
Dr. Gregory House: Hold on. I'm having a moment... this...
[feigning emotion]
Dr. Gregory House: ...this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting adrenal gland tumor.

Dr. Robert Chase: Blood thinners and TMS had no effect; it's not cluster headaches.
Dr. Gregory House: You accusing the symptoms of lying?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Could be hemacomatosis.
Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't account for the personality disorder.
Dr. Robert Chase: Hypothyroidism.
Dr. Gregory House: He's not getting aggressive and lethargic, he's getting aggressive and aggressiver.
Dr. Allison Cameron: What about ruptured dermoid cyst?
Dr. Gregory House: [House stumbles backward] Sorry. I just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. Its Foreman's turn to be shot down.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [listlessly] The thing that Cameron said.
Dr. Gregory House: Way to think outside the box. No fat in the ventricles. It's cluster headaches.
Dr. Robert Chase: Normal treatment didn't work. Abnormal treatment didn't work.
Dr. Gregory House: Good point, Foreman. The normal treatments don't always work. Symptoms never lie.
Dr. Allison Cameron: The only approved treatment left for cluster headaches is brain surgery and that's not even a guarantee.
Dr. Gregory House: Back off, Foreman!


"House M.D.: Black Hole (#6.15)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Well, it's taken over us just over an hour to prove she has a very boring subconscious.
Dr. Gregory House: Anyone ever tell you that you can be a buzzkill?
Dr. Robert Chase, Thirteen, Dr. Chris Taub: Yes.

Dr. Gregory House: So either we find the answer at autopsy or...
Dr. Eric Foreman: What?
Dr. Gregory House: I got nothing.

Dr. Robert Chase: We could do a full body scan.
Dr. Gregory House: We *hate* full body scan.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And by "we" you mean you. We also hate it when patients die before we figure out what's wrong with them.
Dr. Gregory House: ...Do the scan.

Dr. Chris Taub: What? You don't think I want my wife to be happy?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sure. As long as it makes you happy.

Abby Smith: It's a black hole.
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's hallucinating.
Dr. Chris Taub: I certainly hope so.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not telling a mother who's scared out of her mind that our best shot is a magical shot.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not magical. It's experimental. Like washing your hands after pooping once was. And technically it's not our best shot, I'm pretty sure it's our only shot.


"House M.D.: Whac-A-Mole (#3.8)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [House is writing down something] What are you writing?
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing.
Dr. Robert Chase: If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?
Dr. Gregory House: [finishes writing] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters?
[licks the envelope]
Dr. Allison Cameron: You can't know what's wrong after a 30-second perusal of his file.
Dr. Gregory House: Apparently, you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch.
[writes something on the envelope; walks over to the whiteboard]
Dr. Gregory House: If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, it's a very cruel game.
[places the envelope on the whiteboard with a magnetic paperclip. On the envelope written is "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT."]

Dr. Eric Foreman: No. No one's gonna die.
Kama Walters: [sarcastically] In the whole world ever? That's so great.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [chuckles] I meant...
Kama Walters: I know what you meant.

Dr. Gregory House: [sees an old man with a cane that looks like his old one] Oh my God! Why are you using that?
Old Man: I've had it for years.
Dr. Gregory House: No, that's...
[shakes his head]
Dr. Gregory House: that's gonna make your shoulder hurt. You need one of these.
[thumps his cane in front of the old man and takes the old man's cane from him. He takes off his sling and starts walking with Foreman with the cane in his right hand]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to old man] He's a doctor.
[gives him a thumbs up]

Dr. Eric Foreman: Noble.
Dr. Gregory House: Moronic.
[Foreman stares at him]
Dr. Gregory House: It's a synonym.

Dr. Eric Foreman: House, you're pathetic! You'll analyze anyone's faults, hypocrisies, weaknesses. But this kid's got some strength and all of a sudden, there's no time to talk about anything but the medicine.
Dr. Gregory House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him.


"House M.D.: Paternity (#1.2)" (2004)
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's dangerous, it could kill him. You should do it.

Dr. Gregory House: Thirty percent of all Dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
Dr. Eric Foreman: From what I've read, false paternity is more like ten percent.
Dr. Gregory House: That's what our Mom's would like us to believe.

Dr. Gregory House: [seeing Dan on a computer screen] General Hospital is on channel 6.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Dan's brain's not showing channel 6 right now, only mush.

Dr. Eric Foreman: He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still during those things.
Dr. Gregory House: Right, he got uncomfortable and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.

Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Foreman, I assume you found the kid.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He almost walked off the roof.
Dr. Gregory House: Suicidal?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No, he thought he was on the lacrosse field. Look, I was just going to run home, shower, change...
Dr. Gregory House: Conscious?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: How'd you talk him down?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Actually Chase tackled him.
Dr. Gregory House: Why didn't you do it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [laughs ironically] Right, well, I'm black, but he was closer.


"House M.D.: Fools for Love (#3.5)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] My exes have usually been black, so what? Its not a racial thing, its cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you only date emotionally stunted bigots.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Allergic reaction to the floroquinolone.
Dr. Robert Chase: We should switch her to a different antibiotic.
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Dr. Robert Chase: We can't treat the salmonella unless...
Dr. Gregory House: Salmonella? That was a total stretch.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Man, why does that sound so familiar? You think it's 'cuz I said it about an hour ago?
Dr. Gregory House: Then, it was a dumb thing to say. Now, it's smart.

Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] We can spend all day arguing right and wrong. Give me the hundred bucks.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We didn't bet.
Dr. Gregory House: We could spend all day arguing whether we bet or not. Give me the hundred bucks.

Dr. Eric Foreman: They were trying to escape his evil, pill-popping racist dad. You would have liked him. We should do another biopsy.
Dr. Gregory House: How do you know the dad was racist?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He beat up his son for dating a black girl. Extrapolated from that...
Dr. Gregory House: You see racism everywhere. Maybe he just didn't like this black girl.

Dr. Robert Chase: Hey, Foreman, can you wear the beeper for a couple of hours this weekend? What?
Dr. Eric Foreman: We just destroyed two peoples' lives.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm not allowed to run errands anymore?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'd like to see some sign that it affects you or on that you recognize that it affects other people.
Dr. Robert Chase: So are you going to wear the beeper or not?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sorry, can't.


"House M.D.: The Dig (#7.18)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: House says he's going to be out for the next 3 days.
Dr. Robert Chase: Sweet! If I make it straight to the airport, I can make Cabo before the last call.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [Taub is seeing someone] Where'd you meet her?
Dr. Chris Taub: At the hospital.
Dr. Eric Foreman: If it's Masters, just lie to me.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Actually, I'm impressed. Messing around with a 22 year-old hottie with your wife on my sofa. You're a full throttle headcase.
Dr. Chris Taub: I was doing you a solid with the sofa. Rachel wanted to do it in your bed. You've got the memory phone top.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Let's make it really simple. If I own it, I don't want you doing it on it.
Dr. Chris Taub: You... might want to get rid of your kitchen table... Look I'm sorry, but it was worth it.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [Over the loudspeaker] There's another option.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, who's that?
Dr. Gregory House: Radio.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sounded a lot like Thirteen.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a Thirteen tribute band. With their new song "I have a better theory than Masters."

Dr. Chris Taub: It's the new CNA in the third floor.
Dr. Eric Foreman: The redhead? She's hot.
Dr. Chris Taub: Yeah, and I'm seeing her again tomorrow night.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't know how you do it. Is it the cute, harmless vibe, the self-deprecating humor, or just straight-up roofies?
Dr. Chris Taub: If you're interested, I do seminars.


"House M.D.: Instant Karma (#6.4)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] The kid'll still be Foreman's patient, but his dad wants *you* making the decisions.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then he's not my patient. You want to give me none of the responsibility and all of the liability.
Dr. Gregory House: Which means I get... Oh cool!

Dr. Eric Foreman: When is he getting his license back so we can stop playing this game?
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe never. This game is fun.

Dr. Eric Foreman: The room will be filled not because of a coin flip, not because of the patient, but because House's Department screwed up. They're gonna be like sharks in a chum-filled swimming pool. And there's no way I'm jumping in unless I'm in a steel cage.
Dr. Robert Chase: So what do you want?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I want you to have everything covered.

Dr. Allison Cameron: You need a barium enema and a biopsy to confirm.
Jack: Let me guess. It tastes really bad but it's gonna make me feel a lot better.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Actually, you're not going to taste it.

Dr. Gregory House: Bye the way, someone screwed over your girlfriend. She ran to me, Cuddy, and Wilson... everyone, but you. She's not over you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Or she is.


"House M.D.: Half-Wit (#3.15)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: He paged us at five in the morning for that? I'm going back to bed, distonia's not life threatening, who needs a panel to take care of it...
Dr. Cameron: Takes conilizopan for seizures he has from a bus accident when he was ten.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then we treat with Benstrupine.
Dr. Robert Chase: [enters] What's up?
Dr. Cameron: 35 year old savant, distonia.
Dr. Robert Chase: Pfft. I'm going back to bed.
Dr. Gregory House: [appears] Where're you going?
Dr. Robert Chase: Uh... bathroom. It can wait.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There is no case, House. Even if distonia was a big medical mystery, it's not this time.
Dr. Gregory House: [shocked] And you're not intruiged as to how a perfectly healthy ten year old boy with no prior musical training gets into an accident on his way to school and can suddenly play the piano?
[Chase reaches across for the bag of breakfast, House takes it with his cane]
Dr. Robert Chase: We have to solve a 25 year old case before breakfast?
Dr. Gregory House: [looks at Chase and Cameron and their wet hair] You two shower together?
Dr. Cameron, Dr. Robert Chase: NO!
Dr. Gregory House: [looks at Forman] Double negative. It's a yes.
[Forman stares at Chase and Cameron]

Dr. Gregory House: This is going to be personal, isn't it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're right. I don't like you.
Dr. Gregory House: Sure, now that I'm not dying.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I need to say something.
Dr. Gregory House: Something personal?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: I can't leave because you have something interesting in that file.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sorry. You're an arrogant ass who makes it impossible for anyone to like you, a bunch of people don't deserve...
Dr. Gregory House: Can we get to the "but" part of this speech?
Dr. Eric Foreman: But I like you.
Dr. Gregory House: No you don't. You're just reacting to the perception of my death. Need to put things in order, feel guilt.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Just shut up!
Dr. Gregory House: See? I annoy you.

Dr. Eric Foreman: He was testing blood in the clinic. Don't think it was a patient's blood.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why? Was it green?


"House M.D.: Euphoria: Part 1 (#2.20)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [laughing, as the cop shakes violently and bleeds] He's screwed! We clot his blood he dies. We thin it, he dies!
Dr. Eric Foreman: [as others look at him, momentarily serious] Am I the only one who thinks this is funny?
[beat; he starts laughing again]

Dr. Eric Foreman: Drugs?
Dr. Robert Chase: He's a cop.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Good point. How about... drugs?

Dr. Eric Foreman: He's not proud of me, he's proud of Jesus. Everything I do right is God's work, everything I do wrong... is my own damn fault.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Police-issue Kevlar vests don't have the ceramic plating insert that would shatter a bullet. They would just catch it. So the bullet shattered on its own. Meaning Baby Shoes was using 38-caliber hollow-points which, unfortunately, are ferromagnetic.
Dr. Gregory House: It's just so cool that you know that.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Get out of my temporal lobe, House.


"House M.D.: Deception (#2.9)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Can I talk to you about something in confidence?
Dr. Wilson: Of course.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's about House.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, then, no.

Dr. Eric Foreman: What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, I expect you to act like what you are: my employee, my subordinate, my bitch.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [mocking House] "The body does crazy things". Well, that explains everything.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Did you get the medical records faxed over?
Dr. Gregory House: Work smart, not hard, that's my philosophy boss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'll take that as a no.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You injected her against her will, just so you could be right?
Dr. Gregory House: She consented.
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's mentally ill!
Dr. Gregory House: But she smells oh so sweet.


"House M.D.: Changes (#7.20)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: I was having tons of sex, and I was bored - hating myself. I was never going to be ready when something real came along.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So you're becoming some sort of supermonk, and I can't change at all?
Dr. Robert Chase: I challenge you to go one differential without House or anyone else getting under your skin.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Since I say nothing gets to me, and you won't take me at my word, how am I supposed to prove you wrong?
Dr. Robert Chase: I guess you can't. I hope that doesn't eat at you.

Dr. Eric Foreman: What about Chase? You believe all that nonsense about him being celibat?
Dr. Chris Taub: Don't know. But I'm rooting for him. Read the studies. The fewer partners you have, the happier you are with your ultimate partner.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then you're going to be miserable.
Dr. Chris Taub: Those studies, it's important that they have control.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [Foreman's trying to set Chase up with a nurse] First, he'll compliment her hair. That's how he breaks the ice. Next comes some sort of joke or story. He's sharpening his harpoon.
Dr. Chris Taub: Are my moves that predictable?
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's grabbing his arm. He's going in for the kill.
[the nurse walks away from Chase. Foreman and Taub act like they busy. The nurse walks up to Foreman, slaps him and returns his money. Chase waves at them]
Dr. Chris Taub: Don't let it get to you.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I need a hooker.
Dr. Gregory House: Not if you can make that work.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How the hell is that supposed to relax you?... It's not for me, it's for Chase.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm saving myself, too. Maybe you should get a couple.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're riding me, why not ride him?
Dr. Gregory House: Because I can get a rise out of your BP, his pee-pee, on the other hand... Forget yoga. Embrace Zen. You're a repressed idiot, he's a horny idiot. Neither one of you can do anything about it... Pretty sure that's Zen.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I just said treatment for both is chelation.
Dr. Gregory House: I said force diuresis and try dialysis. You need a transcript?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You wanna put him on dialysis, risk infection and hemodynamic swings, when we can just chelate?
Dr. Robert Chase: Whoa! Whoa! Settle down.
Dr. Gregory House: If we chelate, we're not gonna know what disease he had, which means we're not gonna know if the problem was in his lousy, old job or his still lousy new life, which, for the purposes of a metaphorical argument, is very important.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Pointless to argue. He's the boss, he needs his puzzle solved. Why bang our heads against a wall?
Dr. Gregory House: When you're done with the patient, treat Foreman by banging his head against a wall.


"House M.D.: The Tyrant (#6.3)" (2009)
Dr. Robert Chase: [Speaking of Taub and Thirteen] What happened to them?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He quit, and I had to let her go.
Dr. Robert Chase: You actually fired your girlfriend?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yes. You two are both competent, and I know I can work with you.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You had no problem treating that guy on death row.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Who is still in jail after we patched him up. We fix this Dibala and he gets on a plane and executes half his country. He's been repressing an ethnic rebellion in the south, the Sitibi people... It's getting *worse*.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Dibala is a guest of the US Government. And he's been invited to speak at the UN. I'm not asking you to like him. I'm asking you to do your job.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Cameron and Chase about Thirteen] I know it might break us up. That's better than *definitely* breaking us up which is what would've happened.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Cameron and Chase?
Dr. Eric Foreman: They both really like Diagnostics. And I think they both really like watching House torture me.

Dr. Robert Chase: If the cops are going to come for me, please warn me. So I can tell my wife first.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Chase... you really think you can kill another human being without consequences to yourself?
Dr. Robert Chase: No.


"House M.D.: Safe (#2.16)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone, and the water is boiling. Which problem do you deal with first?
Dr. Eric Foreman: House!
Dr. Gregory House: None of them! The building's on fire!

Dr. Eric Foreman: I say we assume House was right about the anaphylaxis...
Dr. Gregory House: It is tempting.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Cameron] So I hear you don't want teenagers having sex. Teen suicide rate isn't high enough for you already?

Dr. Gregory House: [Snatching the marker back from Foreman who was writing on the board] Sorry, there's a reason they call it the *white* board. It's not my rule. What ties both of these conditions together?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [the others can't come up with anything that ties the two conditions together] OK, we can all stare at each other or we can investigate what caused the heart failure. Just the heart failure. You wanna give me that *black* marker?


"House M.D.: Insensitive (#3.14)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [about Hannah] She's going to jump off the lobby balcony.
Dr. Gregory House: You think I can catch her?

Dr. Gregory House: Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you're available for Valentine's. Act surprised. What are you doing down here?
Dr. Eric Foreman: There's a snowstorm. E.R.'s short staffed. We're all supposed to be here. You're supposed to be here. You're an ass. Act surprised.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [after House pulls a worm out of a patient] That must be 25 feet long.
Dr. Gregory House: Damn! The record's 60.


"House M.D.: Emancipation (#5.8)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I've looked down one end and up the other. All tests came back clean. I can't figure this out.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You can't? Don't you work with three other doctors, and a grouchy gimp?
Dr. Eric Foreman: This isn't House's case.
Dr. Robert Chase: [pause. Chase takes the folder] Just so you know, whatever you're trying to prove, it won't be enough.

Dr. Robert Chase: There's a point when Cameron and I aren't enough.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We're not there!

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a hypocrite! If our job is to find out what's killing patients, you'd help this kid. But you'd rather play mind games to prove your the only one with magical powers.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanted something all your own. Now you've got it.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Three days ago you said "no."
Dr. Gregory House: Three days ago you asked me. Now you told me. Can't say "no" if it's not a question.


"House M.D.: Skin Deep (#2.13)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase; discussing whether a patient's breasts are real or fake] I'll bet you two clinic hours those love apples are hand-crafted by God!
Dr. Eric Foreman: I thought you didn't believe in God.
Dr. Gregory House: I do now.

[the team is discussing a patient's possible drug use]
Dr. Eric Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] He's right.
[House pops several Vicodin into his mouth]

Dr. Allison Cameron: [team meeting in room to discuss patient ] Labs show valium and heroin in her urine.
Dr. Robert Chase: A supermodel on smack. Shocker.
[Gets up]
Dr. Gregory House: [looking away] Oh, Alex. I expected so much more from you. Heroin chic is so five years ago.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Okay. Let's start crossing out withdrawal symptoms.
Dr. Allison Cameron: A positive test means she tried it once; doesn't mean she's an addict; she's only 15.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction.
Dr. Gregory House: He's right.
[dramatically swallows Vicodin]
Dr. Robert Chase: She's never menstruated; sounds like a symptom of drug addiction to me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Or bulimia o-or her age. Some girls don't start 'til their mid to late teens.
Dr. Gregory House: Evidence to the contrary: The round hips. The perfectly sculpted, bountiful breasts.
Dr. Robert Chase: Implants. I've seen some of her photos. They've grown dramatically since last summer.
Dr. Gregory House: Symptomatic of turning 14. Two clinic hours says that those love apples are handcrafted by God.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [incredulous, walks over to House] Whoa! I thought that you didn't believe in God.
Dr. Gregory House: I do now.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're on.
[comes over to House and the two men bump fists]
Dr. Allison Cameron: [disgusted] Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?
Dr. Gregory House: It could be relevant. Come on, Cameron. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women develop breasts -
[House slips due to pain and catches himself on a table, disrupting the table's contents while the team looks on. He regains his composure; looks back to team]
Dr. Gregory House: No, I'm fine.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Even if she is an addict, a lot of her symptoms - the cataplexy, the violence - they could be neurological. We chalk this up to drugs, we could be releasing her with Juvenile M.S. or Parkinson's or...
Dr. Gregory House: [interrupts] So detox her.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Fine. We'll set her up on a program that'll wean her onto the methadone.
Dr. Gregory House: And in four weeks, we'll know that you're right. Or, we'll know that Cameron's right and the pretty girl will do Milan next fall in a wheelchair. Put her in a coma and pump her full of naltrexone. Cut the four weeks in one night.
[House exits; Cameron and Chase look to Foreman]

Dr. Eric Foreman: Lab reports show that your daughter had heroin in her system. Were you aware of her drug use?
Martin, Alex's father: No.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We think that she's suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Detoxing generally takes several weeks. The danger is that if the drugs are masking some other illness, it could worsen before we've weaned her off the heroin.
Martin, Alex's father: Well, how much worse?
Dr. Eric Foreman: We don't know because we don't know what's wrong.
[Martin nods in acceptance]
Dr. Eric Foreman: There is a rapid detox procedure. We flush her system with an opioid antagonist. It'll end her addiction overnight. But the process is dangerous because we have to induce a coma. It also means that if she ever relapses there's a good chance she'll overdose because her body won't react to the drug.
Martin, Alex's father: So, either way I'm - I'm risking her life.
[pauses to look at Alex for a bit]
Martin, Alex's father: Do you have to tell her how dangerous it is?


"House M.D.: The Fix (#7.21)" (2011)
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Karma's a bitch.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You think her seizures a result of bad karma?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I think if you spend your days designing ever more effective ways to blow people up, stuffs bound to come back to you.

Dr. James Wilson: House only doing what House wants is the only way he can function. Since the break up, he's been seeking out crazier and crazier things to do because they're crazy. This - well, it's not crazy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No, just irresponsible and possibly dangerouse.
Dr. James Wilson: By House standards, it's dully. This he's doing because he's interested. I think House getting back to doing - stupid House stuff for stupid House reasons is the best thing that could happen to him.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You ignore us all the time. You go on crazy joy rides all the time. But you answer pages. You sleep. I know I'm going to regret doing this, but I'll ask anyway: is there anything I can do to help?
Dr. Gregory House: No.

Dr. Eric Foreman: We could or we could assume something's seriously wrong with House and try to do something about that. That way, even if we're wrong, nobody dies.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House is fine. House is *always* fine.
[Starts to leave]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [Foreman grabs Cuddy's arm] I'm expanding my theory. He's avoiding you, *and* you're avoiding him. And this patient is going to die.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not if you do *your* job.


"House M.D.: Big Baby (#5.13)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: Why are you smirking?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Never thought I'd see the day you were taking orders from Cameron.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Cameron's in charge?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: When did this happen?
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: You're going to destroy her, aren't you?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Her trial results are already compromised just from the fact that I know. As long as she's wasting time... why not... give her something that might actually work?
Dr. Robert Chase: Valid point. Except for the fact that it's a load of crap! Don't be an idiot.

Dr. Gregory House: I'm the last person you'd come to for ethical advice, literally. Which means you've asked every other person and no one's given you the answer you want.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Or I respect your opinion and I want to hear what comes to your mind.

Dr. Gregory House: No cure then. Pros are you might delay the onset of symptoms, give her a year maybe three. She's still dead before you're 45. The question is: are those few years worth risking the rest of your life in medicine?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [Foreman thinks for a moment] No.
Dr. Gregory House: There, wasn't so hard was it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Thank you.
Dr. Gregory House: You're welcome.
[Foreman starts to leave]
Dr. Gregory House: Unless you love her.
[Foreman stops and turns around]
Dr. Gregory House: If you love her, you do stupid things.


"House M.D.: A Pox on Our House (#7.7)" (2010)
Dr. Chris Taub: [Sarcastically] Wow. The case of the really bad flu.
Dr. Gregory House: Hmm. Let's see did I leave anything out? Oh yeah - smallpox.
Martha Masters: ...Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.
Dr. Gregory House: So were hush puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Smallpox doesn't exist outside of P4 labs and bioweapon plants.

Martha Masters: Would it kill us to talk it through?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Kill us? No. Save House? Also no.

Dr. Eric Foreman: It's the middle of the night in the Netherlands. Nobody's working.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, you can always find someone.
Geerte: Oh, yes. My name is Geerte. Are you handsome sexiest American man?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, you know, some people... I would say that I am, yeah. I want you to translate something for me.
Geerte: Why you want I translate? I do topless, toys, and...

Dr. Eric Foreman: We should test for the 21st century suspects. Varicella, measles...
Dr. Gregory House: You're free to perform whatever unnecessary tests you want, Foreman. Slavery was abolished years ago.


"House M.D.: Small Sacrifices (#7.8)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not here to be your wingman.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'll be your wingman this time.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I didn't come here to get laid.
Dr. Robert Chase: Then don't. Talking to beautiful women isn't nearly as much fun as watching Taub not talking to his wife.

Dr. Robert Chase: Sorry I took off on you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Twice?
Dr. Robert Chase: First one was my bad. Second one I had no choice. It was a threesome.
Dr. Chris Taub: They're overrated.
Dr. Robert Chase, Dr. Eric Foreman: He's bluffing.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Have you seen the bride-to-be?
Dr. Robert Chase: Gorgeous woman half his age. He's a lucky guy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, for a while.
Martha Masters: My father's 19 years older than my mother and they've been happily married for 32 years.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm guessing your dad wasn't on the Forbes 400 and your mom didn't look like a swimsuit model.
[Masters stares hard at him]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sorry, that didn't come out right.
Martha Masters: My father was the classics chair at Columbia and my mother was his student... His gorgeous student.

Dr. Eric Foreman: See? Life of the bachelor. All of the sex, none of the guilt.
Dr. Chris Taub: It's not over, okay? I just really miscalculated. I thought she'd forgiven me for everything but all those hurt feelings, they never really went away.
Dr. Gregory House: That makes a lot more sense.
Dr. James Wilson: Ignore him, he just got an idea.
Dr. Gregory House: I have one more test to run.


"House M.D.: Acceptance (#2.1)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: How's an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Are you serious?
Dr. Gregory House: Man knows prisons. When we got a yachting question, we'll come to you.

Dr. Gregory House: Prep Clarence for surgery.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Care to share with the class?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.

Dr. Gregory House: [Clarence is screaming as he's getting his MRI] There's Waldo.
[House pushes a button so Clarence can hear him]
Dr. Gregory House: Found it Clarence.
Clarence: Turn it off! Turn this damn thing off!
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase and Foreman] Keep him in there until you guys see it too.
[House walks away. Chase gasps and starts to point. Foreman finds it also]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Son of a bitch.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Department of Justice statistics show that it's a racially motivated form of punishment. Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than Whites.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, just means we need to kill more white people.


"House M.D.: Now What? (#7.1)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: Oh. I - I - I thought that maybe it was because you're asking for a leave of absence and wouldn't have time to see a case through.
Dr. Chris Taub: [Thirteen looks at Taub] I didn't say anything.
Dr. Robert Chase: He didn't. I saw an envelope on House's desk with your name on it, so *naturally* I - steamed it open.
Dr. Chris Taub: What's wrong with you? You steam an envelope to keep it secret.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Which is why I just ripped it. You gonna tell us where you're going?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [Long pause. Thirteen scoffs] Sure sounds like a "No."

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Is that your passive-aggressive way of asking me if I'm seeing somebody else?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I hope you are. I mean -I hope you have someone with you. If I'm scared about this, I can't imagine how you must feel. You shouldn't be alone. If you want... I could fly over for a few days. Friends.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I appreciate that, but I think I'll be okay. I guess we took the long way around to being friends, huh?

Dr. Eric Foreman: [about Thirteen] Point is, she's not even in the trial. Never heard of her. She's been lying to us all day.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, have you tried -?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Both her phone lines have been disconnected. She's just gone.

Dr. Eric Foreman: What if his behavior isn't a side effect of the ondansetron? What if it's a symptom?
Dr. Robert Chase: Thank you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What causes delirium and nausea?
Dr. Chris Taub: He's been stuck here in the hospital a few days. Nobody else is sick, so it can't be environmental...
Dr. Richardson: Not exactly stuck. I snuck out. Freedom is my birthright.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Where did you go?
Dr. Richardson: The seafood festival at the convention center.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: We're screwed. The seafood festival has stuff from all around the world, in combinations nobody ever thought of.


"House M.D.: Moving the Chains (#6.12)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: I get it, you're busy. You'll pick him up the next time he comes out of prison.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Is that all?
Dr. Gregory House: You're officially unbusy. Family is family. Take the rest of the day. Go see your brother.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I have work to do.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Let me explain something. This man who's offering you the job, he's not a philanthropist.
Marcus Foreman: He seems more helpful than you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He doesn't want to help you. He only want to use you to screw with me.
Marcus Foreman: You know how you can screw with him? Act like your brother getting a job doesn't screw with you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Trust me. It'll be better for *both* of us if you go back in there and tell him can't take the job.

Daryl: The other black dude who was in here earlier. He your brother?
Dr. Eric Foreman: What gave it away?
Daryl: Way you looked at him. I have two older brothers, and we always want to kill each other.
[They both chuckle]

Marcus Foreman: I won't let you down.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Don't do that. Let's just... see how it goes. So uh, do they mandate that you stay here at the halfway house or... can you come stay with family?


"House M.D.: Unwritten (#7.3)" (2010)
Dr. Chris Taub: [House hits the window with his cane, waking/startling Taub] What the Hell?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Close. House.

Dr. Gregory House: We need to make her cooperate. We have to offer her something she wants.
Dr. Eric Foreman: She wants to kill herself, House.
Dr. Gregory House: ...I can work with that.

Dr. Chris Taub: We're dead on our feet. I've barely slept in four days.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh that's sad. You know what's even sadder? Thirteen was the only man on my team.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, it'd be nice if you'd hurry up and hire someone to fill her spot.
Dr. Gregory House: Do it. Cuddy wants it to be a girl.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There are a couple of people...
Dr. Gregory House: I was talking to Chase. I was just looking at you to screw with you.

Dr. Eric Foreman: So we're taking this case 'cause you're a fan?
Dr. Gregory House: No, that would be crazy and unprofessional. You're taking this case 'cause I said so.


"House M.D.: Ignorance Is Bliss (#6.8)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: TTP's a better fit.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: He's right.
[Everyone stares at Thirteen]
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: What? You thought I wouldn't agree with him... ever?

Dr. Robert Chase: I know what you're trying to do, and I appreciate it. But I've got it under control.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's what you said about the Dibala incident. Obviously you didn't.
Dr. Robert Chase: And talking about it made it so much better.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You really think you'd be happier with someone who could spell better?
James Sidas: [Slight chuckle] No. That's the problem. I'm the one who's a jerk. But I owe her everything. I want to *want* to be with her. And when I'm clear, I... I can't.

Dr. Gregory House: What about you? Got any predictable drivel you'd like to add?
Dr. Robert Chase: I think they've given you enough already.
Dr. Gregory House: Well at least they're trying. They're not just sitting there like roadkill. Give me something! Give me something or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her!
Dr. Eric Foreman: House.
[Chase rises, and walks to House and punches him]


"House M.D.: Carrot or Stick (#7.10)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: [about a photo of himself] That... is not me.
Dr. Chris Taub: That is you.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Pointing to part of picture] Th-that's me.
[Pointing to another part]
Dr. Robert Chase: But th-that is not. Whoever did this made it smaller. Much, much smaller.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Whoever did this has a bone to pick with you. Ironic, since your bone...
Dr. Robert Chase: It is not in that picture. My proof is right here.
[Starts to undo his belt]
Dr. Robert Chase: You really want to see it?

Driscoll: Yeah, well, it beats the alternatives, which is ending up in jail or in a gang *or* a coffin.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How often you pull that off?
Driscoll: Two-thirds never re-offend. That's better numbers than juvie.
[Masters gives a disapproving look]
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's brilliant, but, uh, new to the real world.
Driscoll: Yeah.

Martha Masters: They're treating the symptom instead of the disease. Basic systems theory. Troubled kids are produced by troubled families. This place doesn't even attempt to change the environment that damaged them in the first place.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So there are no bad kids, only bad parents? Then why is my brother an ex-con?
Martha Masters: Treating kids decently doesn't mean identically. Some kids need more structure or discipline. Nobody needs this place.

Dr. Robert Chase: How generous is "extraordinarily generous?"
Martha Masters: Call the charity, explain the donation is a fraud.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And take back Wells's wedding gift? *You* are extraordinarily screwed.


"House M.D.: Human Error (#3.24)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't wanna solve cases! I wanna save lives.
Dr. Gregory House: You think she cares? You think the husband cares? You think the children, she can now have because of me, are gonna care why I saved her?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I care.
Dr. Gregory House: About yourself. About your own ego.
Dr. James Wilson: House...
Dr. Gregory House: [stands up and walks toward Foreman] You're the selfish bastard, not me. Which is why you took so much pleasure drawing out this little goodbye of yours for the last three weeks. It wasn't for me... It wasn't for anyone! It sure as hell didn't help anyone!
Dr. Eric Foreman: [looks shocked; then sneers and walks out]
Dr. James Wilson: Nice try.
Dr. Gregory House: Nice tries are worthless.

Dr. Eric Foreman: No tumors in her arm. Synovial membrane's working fine.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No hot spots. No bone cancer. Maybe we should be looking for something else.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [Chase walks in wearing his coat, carrying a bag, some books and an umbrella] Is it raining out?
Dr. Robert Chase: House fired me.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because you yelled at him?
Dr. Robert Chase: "Time for a change" was the official explanation.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It makes no sense.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Since when does House make sense?
Dr. Allison Cameron: He always makes sense.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's angry.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yes, it's all about you, Foreman. He's upset you're leaving so he fires Chase.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Why'd you fire Chase?
Dr. Gregory House: Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Did you fire him for me?
Dr. Gregory House: Would you stay if I did?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You asked him to fire Chase?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No!
Dr. Gregory House: Yes!
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're frustrated with Foreman so you lash out, kick the dog?
Dr. Gregory House: He's not gone five minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why'd you fire Chase?
Dr. Gregory House: Do *you* know what's on the PET scan?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You two, out.
Dr. Gregory House: Whoa, whoa, wait. What's on the PET scan?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, they are all irreplaceable.

Dr. Gregory House: It's impossible.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Apparently not.
Dr. Gregory House: Live hearts don't stop for no reason. Dead hearts don't start for no reason.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Apparently they do.
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's three hours off bypass and still stable, and the pain has gone.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it's not.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You think that she's lying about feeling better?
Dr. Gregory House: Just 'cos it's not there now doesn't mean it's gone.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Just because it was there before doesn't mean that it's coming back.


"House M.D.: Office Politics (#7.6)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're arguing Dugan's politics are a sign that he's mentally compromised?
Dr. Robert Chase: No. His tactics. He's most likely the one who leaked it. And all the commentators are saying Anderson will catch a major backlash.

Dr. Eric Foreman: So you're holding a grudge, because she chose a different school?
Dr. Chris Taub: We talked for an hour. She didn't remember me. She remembers the 20th digit of some math constant, but she doesn't remember a guy she had a one-on-one meeting with.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, I barely remember you.
Dr. Chris Taub: Mystery solved. Now we can all go back to our lives.

Dr. Chris Taub: Are you a vampire? It's okay. We're inviting you in.
Martha Masters: But your patient didn't. I can't do this. I'm sorry.
Dr. Chris Taub: Well, she's gonna be a big help.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, what a rube, being uncomfortable breaking into a stranger's house.
Dr. Chris Taub: It's part of our job description. Not the most morally ambiguous part.

Dr. Chris Taub: Is that guy seriously using the toilet? Oh, my God, he's sitting down.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Don't try to change the subject. Did you sleep with her?
Dr. Chris Taub: No wonder he's in jail. Anyone who would do that has no shame.
Dr. Robert Chase: Or maybe he tried to sleep with her, and she shot him down.
Dr. Chris Taub: I don't know her. Is he grunting? I think I hear grunting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You realize we're not gonna drop this.
Dr. Chris Taub: I didn't sleep with her. I interviewed her for Hopkins Med School.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So you're holding a grudge because she chose a different school?
Dr. Chris Taub: We talked for an hour. She didn't remember me. She remembers the 20th digit of some math constant, but she doesn't remember a guy she had a one-on-one meeting with.
Dr. Robert Chase: I barely remember you.
Dr. Chris Taub: Mystery solved. Now we can all go back to our lives.
[Toilet flash sounds]


"House M.D.: The Confession (#8.5)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: As the new Dean of Medicine, I'd like to personally welcome our new employees, and ask why the Hell did you want to come back?
Dr. Robert Chase: Tired of surfing.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He hasn't changed.
Dr. Robert Chase: And neither has the job, right? We still get to do crazy crap.
Dr. Chris Taub: Save people's lives instead of just their noses.

Dr. Eric Foreman: What's House up to? He hasn't asked me for anything. He's been incredibly well behaved. He's doing his clinic hours.
Dr. James Wilson: That *is* a sign of concern.

Dr. Eric Foreman: That falls under natural causes. If you kill him, we're looking at...
Dr. Robert Chase: Dead is dead.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not as far as our lawyers are concerned. I'm not being a dick. This is a real issue. And I have to worry about the big picture.
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't. I'll be doing what you would've done a year ago. I'll be in surgery.

Dr. Robert Chase: House is screwing with you - by not screwing with you. He's watching TV, and drinking martinis all night. Meanwhile, he's keeping you here searching for a plan that doesn't exist.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How the Hell did I not see that?... I'm glad you're back.
Dr. Robert Chase: Me too.


"House M.D.: Informed Consent (#3.3)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You cannot help him kill himself!
Dr. Gregory House: Of course I can. Chase says we do it all the time!

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Cameron] Whose side are you on, senator? First respect his wishes, then invade Iraq, then get the troops home. Make up your mind.

Dr. Gregory House: What's the largest organ?
Dr. Robert Chase: Skin.
Dr. Gregory House: We need to get a piece.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [sarcastically to Chase] Sure. We'll just... wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece!


"House M.D.: Last Temptation (#7.19)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm glad you're going to be sticking around after today.
Martha Masters: Really? You want me to stay?
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's good to add a different perspective to the department. Someone who still remembers there are rules other than House's.
Martha Masters: If I don't play by House's rules, he won't let me in.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Find a way around it.
Martha Masters: I'd have to *lie* to him, which is still lying.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Lying about a lie, that's practically telling the truth.

Dr. Robert Chase: What's with the sudden interest in her future?
Dr. Gregory House: You know, a blacksmith who spends this much time hammering out a new blade from raw Jell-O, he gets curious about who ends up wielding it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No reason to be curious unless you're interested in wielding it yourself. You want her to intern here.

Martha Masters: Can someone please explain to me what House and Wilson are doing with those chickens?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: They have a bet to see who can keep a chicken in the hospital the longest without getting busted by security. Advancing past the vertebral artery.
Martha Masters: And why are they doing this?
Dr. Eric Foreman: The place they bought them only had one pig.


"House M.D.: Lockdown (#6.16)" (2010)
Dr. Chris Taub: Come on. We have a tiny window of opportunity to gain some insight into our collegues... Okay, what if we just snooped on our boss?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [Looking around] I think I can live with that.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [Looking at complaints filed against House] Damn it, they're all named Lisa Cuddy.
Dr. Chris Taub: He's not even here and he's screwing with us. Where's the joy in that?
Dr. Eric Foreman: ...You really want to get into his head?
Dr. Chris Taub: Yeah, but I decided against stabbing myself in the leg, or getting addicted to pain pills.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You can, uh, skip the stabbing.
[Foreman pulls out a bottle of pain pills]

Dr. Eric Foreman: So, we bot have a few regrets.
Dr. Chris Taub: You should be proud of yours. You life's been trending up.


"House M.D.: Out of the Chute (#7.16)" (2011)
Martha Masters: It wasn't *that* ridiculous a theory.
Dr. Gregory House: Great theory. It's a ridiculous test. You can't give a standard balance test to a champion bull rider. If you're gonna test Superman's strength, you need a bigger bar bell. Find one, make him lift it. Then call me and tell me how high it got... And tell Cuddy spying is for cowards.
[Ends the call]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Just keep me posted.
Dr. Eric Foreman, Dr. Robert Chase: I will.

Dr. Gregory House: Who's in charge?
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, as long as you're not here. Someone has to have the final...
Dr. Gregory House: Let me rephrase: who's your daddy?
Dr. Chris Taub: Let me rephrase: you have to decide if you're going to buck up and get out of bed and do your job or if you're gonna wallow in self-pity.
Dr. Gregory House: Thos are my only two choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap - including you.

Carnell: House...
Dr. Gregory House: I like you, Carnell.
[phone rings]
Dr. Gregory House: Don't ruin it.
[picks up a phone]
Dr. Gregory House: Stinky feet, could point to diabetes, athlete's foot or gangrene. Pick one.
Carnell: No!
Dr. Chris Taub: Uh, none. None of those cause bloody sputum or disappearing masses.
Carnell: No, no, no! No! You are going to kill her.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't do that Carnell. They might get the idea that I'm shooting at a hooker. Fungal infection causes ulceration between the toes. Bleeding can be from recurring abscesses that appear to be recurring masses.
Martha Masters: Symptoms in the head or feet mean the infection would have to be in the heart or the brain.
Dr. Chris Taub: I say we start by looking in the heart because looking at his brain with a metal plate is problematic.
Dr. Robert Chase: So is MRI-ing his heart. He's got a seven centimeter conductive metal rod holding his rib together.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It'll rip him in two.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it'll just feel like it's ripping him in two, which is much better.
Dr. Chris Taub: We could minimize the damage by injecting ice-water into his abdominal cavity.
Carnell: No! Please, no!
[House shoots an arrow and Carnell finds an arrow sticking Sarah's body, bleeding]
Carnell: Oh, God!
Dr. Gregory House: Opps. Got to go.
Carnell: Call an ambulance!
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Carnell: What do you mean, why! She's hurt!
Dr. Gregory House: She doesn't look hurt.
[Sarah starts laughing]
Carnell: No, you didn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, we did.
Carnell: [Sarah shows the trick] You're an ass.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, go get me General Patton's Colt .45. The one with two notches.


"House M.D.: Fetal Position (#3.17)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: So... the sleep lab... you and Cameron *not* sleeping... how serious is it?
Dr. Robert Chase: It's nothing. She's only doing it to make House jealous.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then why are you doing it?
Dr. Robert Chase: Are you kidding?

Dr. Eric Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Robert Chase: [looking at a photograph of House] It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: ...He's caring.

Dr. Cameron: Anybody going to stop her?
Dr. Robert Chase: Stopping the madness is *her* job.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Somebody's gotta be Cuddy's Cuddy.


"House M.D.: Teamwork (#6.7)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: House is back in charge. We get to treat a porn star.
Dr. Robert Chase: Congratulations.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Perfect timing for us.
Dr. Robert Chase: We're leaving the team. And the hospital, effective immediately.

Dr. Gregory House: Taub thinks it's a brain issue. Thirteen thinks it's multi-focal.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And neither of them wants to work here.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't take their words for it. Taub's problem is his wife. Thirteen's problem is you. Chase and Cameron's problem is the dead African dictator. None of them have a problem with the work.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Do you have feelings for me or not?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't want our work lives to have anything to do with our personal lives.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: You couldn't keep them separate. I mean *that's* why our personal lives don't exist.


"House M.D.: Risky Business (#8.4)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: Holding your ass. You really didn't know?
Dr. Chi Park: House!
Dr. Gregory House: Just trying to help you out of here. I figured sure he'd punch me in the face. Thus proving it's a natural response. My God! You have superhuman discipline - and glutes.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Get your hands off of me.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Park] You've been working for House for two weeks. It's already too long.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Adams] You're covering for him. I did the same thing many times. My advice: figure out what line you aren't willing to cross for him, cause eventually he'll ask you to cross it.


"House M.D.: Remorse (#6.11)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You do it.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: I don't think he was talking to me.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Well, I am.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: I'm the only one who thinks you're wrong.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Maybe that's why I'm asking you to do it.

Dr. Gregory House: The fact that you fired her takes it from a little complicated to a little moronic.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It was the only way I could...
Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't because you were too in love with her. It's because you were too in love with your career. We're almost at my floor, so I'll summarize. Your problem not mine.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Thirteen] I did it for me, not you. I realized that right after I fired you, but I couldn't admit it. Screwed everything up. I hope that we can still work together.


"House M.D.: Two Stories (#7.13)" (2011)
Martha Masters: We need to get a Chest CT.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Excuse me I'm the senior team member. Which means we don't need anything unless I say we need to.
Dr. Chris Taub: [to a nurse] Do you want to have an affair?
Dr. Robert Chase: [to the same nurse] Do you want to have a threesome?
Martha Masters: You can't talk to her like that! I'm telling Cuddy.
[Masters leaves]
Dr. Eric Foreman: We need a Chest CT.
Dr. Chris Taub, Dr. Robert Chase: Get it yourself!

Dr. Gregory House: Prep him for exploratory surgery and start the betting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Betting?
Dr. Gregory House: I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [House talks his story in a school's Career Day] Just got a case from the ER. Rutgers student came in with what looked like acute bronchitis. But there's nothing in his blood or sputum cultures.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't you think it's time you people stop looking to the white man to solve all your problems?
Dr. Eric Foreman: His O2 sats are in the toilet. If we don't figure out what's attacking his...
Dr. Gregory House: So figure it out. I'm busy.
Sophie: That can't be true.
Dr. Gregory House: Why not?
Sophie: 'Cause if he was dying... I mean, you're a doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: Patients die every day. Not all of them are interesting.


"House M.D.: Three Stories (#1.21)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: Personally, I choose to believe that the white-light people sometimes see, visions this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You choose to believe that?
Dr. Gregory House: There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Dr. Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. Gregory House: I find it more comforting to believe that all *this* isn't simply a test.

Dr. Gregory House: [to the class] His MRI showed that the leg pain wasn't caused by the self-injection. It wasn't caused by an infection. It was an aneurism that clotted. Leading to an infarction.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Cameron] My God, you were right. It's House.

Dr. Gregory House: Okay, that's enough about the volleyball player. What's up with the farmer?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [the Ducklings shoot a clueless look at him] What farmer?
Dr. Gregory House: Snakebite guy.
Dr. Gregory House: [pause] Oh, right, you guys don't know about him. He doesn't get bitten until three months after we treat the volleyball player. Luckily, it's been well established that time is not a fixed construct.


"House M.D.: Resignation (#3.22)" (2007)
Dr. Wilson: [after being dosed by House with Amphetamine] Are you really gonna leave? Where are you going? You lined up interviews yet?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not sure.
Dr. Wilson: You're pissed at House, I get it. You're symbolicating killing him.
Dr. Wilson: Symbolicating? What? Symbolic-a-lating... Gosh that's a hard word!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Are you okay?
Dr. Wilson: Hey, I'm not the one symb... I'm not the one symb... I'm not the one pretending to kill someone! What would it take for you to stay? Is it money? He wants you to stay!
Dr. Eric Foreman: He said that?
Dr. Wilson: If I said he said that, would that make a difference?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Are you sure you're okay?
Dr. Wilson: [Phone rings] 'ello? Ugh, I'm leaving now!
Dr. Wilson: I'm late for breast thing. You know he wants you, you know he's good, you know he can make you good.
Dr. Wilson: I don't know what I'm saying. You don't... I don't... You know what I'm saying and you know I'm right!
Dr. Wilson: I gotta go.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you sure?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: He's afraid of turning into me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, that's a good enough reason. Sign here.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good luck.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Thank you.
Dr. Gregory House: That's it? You're not gonna tell him that we're a family and families don't abandon each other?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Looks at House] Do you want me to?
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Looks at Foreman] Would it make any difference?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good luck, Doctor Foreman.


"House M.D.: Lucky Thirteen (#5.5)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Do you think... I'm boring?
Dr. Robert Chase: Yes.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're saying that just to screw with me.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah. Why would you expect anything else?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I expect House to pull my strings. I expect Cameron to make me feel better. I expect the new team to kiss my ass. And I expect you to be honest, because you don't give a crap.
Dr. Robert Chase: ...Yes. You're boring. That speech was boring.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [sarcastically] Thanks so much.
Dr. Robert Chase: You don't let other people's problems affect you. You don't let your *own* problems affect you. And it's the problems that make us interesting. You're never out of control. Which is good... and... boring. Never losing control also means never putting yourself out there, never pushing your limits. On the other hand, you have a tattoo. Maybe I'm wrong.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I just spoke to my brother.
Dr. Gregory House: And by "brother" you mean?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I mean my parents' other son.
Dr. Gregory House: Wow. Same dad.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Got a call from your P.I. last week. You lied, you *did* have me investigated. You've been taunting the team with what you learned, but you never came after me. Means you couldn't find anything.
Dr. Gregory House: You're right.
[Foreman starts to walk away]
Dr. Gregory House: That's because you haven't done anything stupid, spontaneous, or even vaguely interesting since you were 17. And that's just *sad*.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You know, there are ways of getting to know people without committing felonies.
Dr. Gregory House: People interest me, conversations don't.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That because conversations go both ways.
Dr. Eric Foreman, Dr. Gregory House: [together] ... Like Thirteen.


"House M.D.: Dead & Buried (#8.7)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: 14 year old girl - intermittent attacks.
Dr. Gregory House: 4 year old boy - consistently at death's door.
Dr. Jessica Adams: [Foreman starts to walk away] This patient died 5 years ago.
[Foreman returns and puts the file on House's desk]
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say which side of the door he was on.

Dr. James Wilson: Why do you care if he works on two cases?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Because next it'll be 3 cases, then 4. Then animal cases and ghost cases. And then animal ghost cases. Assuming we are talking about House.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Which means it's too late for me to back down. It's no longer my choice. It's just me - telling me he can get away with anything... I have to send him to prison.
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson sighs and rises] Your job is to keep this machine running. It's your choice to make House a useful tool, or a monkey wrench. Cuddy's way didn't fail. Because she didn't try to control House. She *managed* him. She knew better than anyone what tool he can be.


"House M.D.: Simple Explanation (#5.20)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Maybe we should pass this file on to another doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: The next one too? The one after that? How many files till it's okay that Kutner's dead?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Taub went to run the treatment. We'd... like to go see Kutner's parents.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll join you.

Thirteen: Oh God!
[Runs to Kutner. They both run to Kutner's room. Thirteen starts working on Kutner. Foreman picks up the phone]
Dr. Eric Foreman: I need an ambulance at 410 Willis, Apartment 5C. 28 year-old male, single gunshot wound to the right temple.
Thirteen: No pulse!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Alert Princeton Plainsboro, have a trauma unit ready!
[Foreman puts the phone down and looks at Kutner]
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's pupils dilated. His head's swollen.
Thirteen: Still no pulse! Come on Kutner!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Let me try.
[Foreman takes over CPR. Thirteen moves to the side]
Thirteen: He's cold. Eric!


"House M.D.: Autopsy (#2.2)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: We've got a patient who for no obvious reason is hallucinating. Since it's not obvious, I thought we'd go with subtle.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It doesn't matter. If her sat percentage is off, that means her blood isn't getting enough oxygen; that's a problem with her lungs, not her heart.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And a lung problem isn't causing hallucinations.
Dr. Robert Chase: But the lungs could lead us somewhere that is.
Dr. Gregory House: Welcome to the end of the thought process.

Dr. Eric Foreman: We could bolt her to the table.
Dr. Gregory House: Gruesome and low tech. Kiss me, I love it.

Dr. Gregory House: Oxygen saturation is 94%, check her heart.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. Gregory House: It's off by one percentage point.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Within range. It's normal.
Dr. Gregory House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.


"House M.D.: Recession Proof (#7.14)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there. Show our support.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses.
Dr. Gregory House: Why does everyone go there?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Experience.
Dr. Gregory House: Shut up!... How about go or work at the Clinic all weekend? I hear it's "Genital Herpes Awareness" month.

Dr. Gregory House: [Have a meeting in the bathroom while Foreman and Taub are doing their business] Swollen joints, high white count, fever, conjunctivitis. Anyone?
Dr. Eric Foreman, Dr. Chris Taub: Seriously?
Dr. Gregory House: What? You can't think and poop at the same time? There's a life at stake here.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You don't have to move out, if you don't want to. I realize you might have had a point. I've been alone a long time, and I don't want to end up like House.
Dr. Chris Taub: What you said about me and my marriage...
Dr. Eric Foreman: I was being an ass.
Dr. Chris Taub: True. But you were right. I needed to hear it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So we're good?
Dr. Chris Taub: You know, I have a couple tickets to...
Dr. Eric Foreman: Don't push it.


"House M.D.: Saviors (#5.21)" (2009)
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Maybe he's looking for someone to mother him after what happened.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Only kind of mothering House wants involves a bullwhip, leather diapers, and a credit card.

Dr. Allison Cameron: How do you think House is doing?
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's why you're here?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No it isn't. Even if House is messed up by Kutner's suicide, wouldn't matter. He already thinks that life is nasty, brutish and long. And misery helps his diagnostic skills.


"House M.D.: Sleeping Dogs Lie (#2.18)" (2006)
Dr. Allison Cameron: If we want this to not get in the way of our friendship, I think we both have to apologize and put it behind us.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I like you, really. We have a good time working together. But ten years from now, we're not gonna be hanging out, having dinners. Maybe we'll exchange Christmas cards, say "Hi," give a hug if we're at the same conference. We're not friends, we're colleagues. And I don't have anything to apologize for.

Dr. Robert Chase: This will numb you up.
[sprays a substance in Hannah's open mouth and shot cuts to Foreman watching and Max in the background, far from the doctors and patient]
Dr. Robert Chase: And this will keep your tongue out of the way. Don't worry; you shouldn't feel anything except for a slight pulling.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So, you think I was out of line?
Dr. Robert Chase: That article would've sat on House's desk for the next 6 years.
[continues with Hannah's mouth]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [softly] I could've told her.
Dr. Robert Chase: You could've written it for her, too. She knows House as well as any of us. She should've known she was waiting for him to do something he was never gonna do.
[puts instrument down; Hannah's eyes begin rapidly moving]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Chase?
[Chase turns and expression changes as he sees Hannah's rapidly moving eyes]
Dr. Robert Chase: Hannah? You still with us?
Max: What's wrong with her eyes?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [softly] Looks like R.E.M.
Max: What's that?
Dr. Robert Chase: [looks over at her] Rapid Eye Movements. It's what your eyes do when you're sleeping.
Max: [voice breaking] But, she's awake.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [loudly] Hannah. Hannah, can you hear me?
Hannah: [slowly looks more alert] Yeah, of course.
[Chase looks seriously at Foreman]


"House M.D.: Que Será Será (#3.6)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not for long, he wants to be discharged!
Dr. Gregory House: Of course he does. Places to go, people to eat!

Dr. Eric Foreman: Where are you going?
Dr. Gregory House: To get a $400 butt-plug.
Dr. Cameron: What about George?
Dr. Gregory House: He's going to have to get his own.


"House M.D.: Bombshells (#7.15)" (2011)
Dr. Chris Taub: The kid scratched out the faces of half of his class. You don't think that's a problem?
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's not *our* problem.
Dr. Robert Chase: Why is it anyone's problem? I violently executed my 10th grade Geometry teacher about 5 different ways in my mind.
Martha Masters: I didn't want to kill anybody. I just wanted to torture them slowly in my basement - preferably with acid. Guys... ever think what you might do to House?
Dr. Chris Taub: [the elevator opens. The team gets in the elevator. Slight pause] Maybe it's no big deal.
Dr. Robert Chase: Unless it is. Somebody shot House.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Although, maybe we should have just played a few games of "Savage 21: The Revenge" Because that's obviously the best way to make someone feel better.
Dr. Gregory House: Keep talking like Wilson, and your face is gonna freeze like that.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Look, however bad you think you're gonna be in that room, not being there is worse.


"House M.D.: Mirror Mirror (#4.5)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Chase won every bet. So, you're either being nice, or you were in on it. What was your cut?
Dr. Gregory House: 50%, and if you want to keep your new job...
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'll keep quiet.

Dr. Allison Cameron: You've been humiliated, treated like crap. You have every right to be miserable, but you're not. Because even those this job is insane and House is insane, you like it. You always have.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You know what's worse than a sanctimonious speech? A sanctimonious speech that's dead wrong!
Dr. Allison Cameron: See? You belong with House.


"House M.D.: Babies & Bathwater (#1.18)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] These regulations aren't just here to annoy you.

Dr. Robert Chase: You seen House?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [half-chuckles] Look for a shallow grave with Vogler standing over it.


"House M.D.: The Greater Good (#5.14)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I want to be able to tell her this happened to other people and they're fine now.
Dr. Gregory House: So tell her!
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not going to lie to her.
Dr. Gregory House: A little late for that.
[the elevator door starts to close. House stops it with his cane]
Dr. Gregory House: You need to wait. Because if this thing doesn't go away. She's going to need you to still have your medical license.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You think he's right?
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Who cares? You're a hypocrite. You don't ask her if she wants to be on the drug. But when there's a chance to help her get better suddenly you're letting her call the shots. That's not being noble. That's saving your own ass!
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I'd feel worse if he destroyed his career.


"House M.D.: Spin (#2.6)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: So if you break an arbitrary rule, Cameron damns you to hell. But if you break a rule that has a reason, that's designed to protect people, Cameron develops a crazy crush on you.

Dr. Eric Foreman: This guy's been injecting himself how many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus.
Dr. Gregory House: So air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.


"House M.D.: Top Secret (#3.16)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Where were you two when the guy woke up?
Dr. Robert Chase: Ahm... we just... stepped out for a second.
Dr. Eric Foreman: To do what?
Dr. Robert Chase: To get a coffee, we've been up most of the night.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's just pushing to make sure we get the complete history. Obviously, we're missing something or we'd have the answer.
[Foreman looks suspiciously at Cameron]
Dr. Eric Foreman: You didn't have any coffee when you came back.
Dr. Allison Cameron: All right already, we confess. You caught us, we snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex, we shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working and we're sorry, now can me move on?
[Chase looks shocked, Foreman starts laughing]
Dr. Eric Foreman: House would do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No you would do House AND Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Dr. Robert Chase: [defensive] She did me once!
Dr. Eric Foreman: She was stoned!
[continues laughing]

Dr. Robert Chase: You can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.
Dr. Gregory House: Where's his mouth been?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He says he hasn't performed oral sex on anyone in more than a year.
Dr. Gregory House: Selfish bastard!


"House M.D.: Family (#3.21)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: He has acute scrotum.
Dr. Gregory House: "Adorable". Please... it's much more dignified.
Dr. Gregory House: [pause] C'mon, how'm I *not* supposed to make that joke.

Dr. Gregory House: You did good.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I did what you would have.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, maybe I'm biased, but...
Dr. Eric Foreman: I tortured the kid.
Dr. Gregory House: Because you knew it was right. You knew you were saving his brother.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I know. I don't like that I know. I hate that I can listen to a kid screaming in pain and not even question whether I'm doing the right thing. I hate that in order to be like you as a doctor, I have to be like you as a human being. I don't want to turn into you.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not. You've been like me since you were eight years old.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You'll save more people than I will. But I'll settle for killing less. Consider this my two weeks' notice.


"House M.D.: Under My Skin (#5.23)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's basically waterboarding.
Dr. James Wilson: It's pretty radical.
Dr. Amber Volakis: It's a great idea.
Dr. Gregory House: Regular radical, me radical or me out-of-my-mind radical?
Dr. James Wilson: Somewhere between regular and you.
Dr. Gregory House: So what's the problem?

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Chase about Cameron] She married a dying guy. She has issues. You cannot leave her... ever! For any reason, because then you're not just the guy who left her, you're the guy who killed her kids.


"House M.D.: Love Hurts (#1.20)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You scared a guy into stroking out?
Dr. Wilson: Does that *surprise* anyone here?

Dr. Eric Foreman: [referring to House and Cameron's upcoming date] Like watching an accident about to happen.


"House M.D.: One Day, One Room (#3.12)" (2007)
Dr. Wilson: Tell her the truth.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [Cut to Cameron] Tell her your life has been good.
Dr. Gregory House: It hasn't been.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Tell her anyway. She wants hope. She wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. Things can be okay, which means maybe they can be okay for her again.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [Cut to Foreman] Tell her your life sucked.
Dr. Gregory House: It didn't.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone. She wants to know she's gonna survive this, that other people have been through this and worse and come out the other end. She wants to know she's gonna heal. Act like... you healed.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Cut to Chase] Tell her... Keep her asleep.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks. You've all been a huge help.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [Cameron and Foreman are giving House advice] You need to get her to talk about what happened.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No, he doesn't.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Pretending it didn't happen won't...
Dr. Eric Foreman: Wrong! Pretending this didn't happen is the best thing she could possibly do.
Dr. Allison Cameron: She's gotta make this real.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You know what we should be trying to make real, the process? The few decent moments in our lives, not the crap.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Maybe you're right, except that there's no way that she can pretend this didn't happen so she has no choice but to process it.


"House M.D.: Here Kitty (#5.18)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: [Searching for the cat] Here puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Say "puss" one more time. It's the sixth puss that really does it.

Thirteen: [House is placing a cat around several coma patients to prove that it can't predict when someone will die] Don't you wanna check their charts?
Dr. Gregory House: 'Course not. This is a double blind. I don't want to even subconsciously signal to Teddy which one is the sickest.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Her name's Debbie.
Dr. Chris Taub: Are those welts on that guys arm?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Were they here when we got here?
Thirteen: [looking at the coma patients chart] He has a severe cat allergy.
Dr. Gregory House: [House quickly injects medicine into the coma patient] That never happened.


"House M.D.: Histories (#1.10)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: The cancer wouldn't account for the alleged twitch, or any of her other alleged symptoms.
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, it would. Neoplastic syndrome associated with a cancer would cause her to twitch like a bunny on crystal meth.

Dr. James Wilson: The only question is whether she dies in two months or three.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh, God!
Dr. James Wilson: You were right. There's nothing we can do for her. Might as well put her back on the street.
Dr. Gregory House: Unless it's not cancer.
Dr. Robert Chase: Oh, you're joking?
Dr. Gregory House: [Sarcastically] There's nothing funnier than cancer!


"House M.D.: DNR (#1.9)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You assaulted that man!
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yes you will.
Dr. Gregory House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [referring to House] You make enough calls, one of them is bound to be right.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, he's just a lucky, lucky guy.


"House M.D.: Cursed (#1.13)" (2005)
Jeffrey Reilich: You're treating him for both diseases?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Covering all the bases.
Jeffrey Reilich: What, throw everything against the wall and see what sticks?
Dr. Robert Chase: Works for spaghetti.

Dr. Gregory House: Clue number one - if I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Demonic possession?
Dr. Gregory House: Close, but no wafer.


"House M.D.: Failure to Communicate (#2.10)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: You're not my boss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm House's boss. House is your boss. The math is pretty simple.

Dr. Eric Foreman: If a human being had actually *looked* at his blood anywhere along the way, instead of just running tests through the computer, the parasites would have jumped out at them.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Price of the electronic age.


"House M.D.: Holding On (#8.21)" (2012)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Wilson] Chemo won't make your life any better, but caring will. Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about - isn't that what life is?

Dr. James Wilson: He's not my child. I cannot be responsible for the happiness of Gregory House.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You are responsible. The past 20 years, you've had three wives, hundreds of colleagues, thousands of patients. But you've kept that one best friend.


"House M.D.: Wilson's Heart (#4.16)" (2008)
Dr. Gregory House: Start her on IV interferon. I'm going to tell Wilson.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [sarcastically] Good idea and I'll go nap because I was concussed last night and had a heart attack this morning. I'll tell Wilson. You go sleep.

Thirteen: [about Amber] We should say goodbye.
Dr. Chris Taub: She didn't even like us.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: We liked her.
Dr. Chris Taub: Did we?
Dr. Eric Foreman: We do now.


"House M.D.: Both Sides Now (#5.24)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [Meeting in the locker room] Why aren't we in the office?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm tired of clinic duty.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: His brain MRI showed narrowing in his blood vessels leading up from the neck, if we do shake something loose, we could kill him.
Dr. Chris Taub: Or one of them. Clot in his brain could kill one of them, without affecting the other.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He might actually be okay with that.


"House M.D.: Fall from Grace (#7.17)" (2011)
Dr. Chris Taub: I think we should boycott this wedding on principle.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I kind of have to go. His fiancee did give me a foot massage. And he invited me to be in his wedding party.
Dr. Chris Taub: W-What about Chase? Did he ask him?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yep. He's in it.
Dr. Chris Taub: What the Hell?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You said you weren't even going.
Dr. Chris Taub: I still have feelings.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [House is driving the team in a monster truck] Would you slow down? You're gonna get us arrested!
Dr. Chris Taub: I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first!
Dr. Gregory House: Don't make me take my shoe off!


"House M.D.: Painless (#5.12)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You can't give up on life because...
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I'm not giving up on life. I'm just giving up on you! I finally feel like I have a grip on things. I can handle this. What I can't handle is dragging anyone else down with me.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Rita, the spike in Dr. Hadley's IV bag wasn't pushed in all the way. Don't want any dosing errors.
Nurse Rita: Sorry. It won't happen again... Stinks doesn't it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: What?
Nurse Rita: The medication, when we switch out the bags, you can smell it. It's disgusting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I didn't smell anything.
Nurse Rita: Oh. She must be on the placebo then.


"House M.D.: The Down Low (#6.10)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's not fair for me to make less than the people I supervise.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Salary isn't about fairness. It's about what you can leverage in a negotiation. Which isn't much without a competitive offer on the table. We both know you don't have one.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to the team] The phrase "Who's your daddy?" comes to mind.


"House M.D.: House Divided (#5.22)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: So you're okay with House getting Chase smashed enough to make a stupid mistake?
Thirteen: Being drunk doesn't change who you are, just reveals it.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [Watching an exotic dancer] Think she can do the broken cowboy?
Thirteen: God I hope so.


"House M.D.: Control (#1.14)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: How'd she get to you?
Dr. Gregory House: She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Cameron, who is being optimistic] Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?


"House M.D.: Distractions (#2.12)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: House! You can't do this!
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, if I had a nickel for everytime I heard that.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Been looking for you.
Dr. Gregory House: Been avoiding you.


"House M.D.: Act Your Age (#3.19)" (2007)
Dr. Allison Cameron: She's being abused.
Dr. Eric Foreman: A bloody t-shirt doesn't equal abuse. Kids get hurt all the time.
Dr. Robert Chase: That amount of blood?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh, crap. You two are agreeing again.

Dr. Gregory House: You guys are idiots.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why? Because we stayed up all night doing exactly what you told us to do?
Dr. Gregory House: No. Because you stayed up all night doing exactly what I told you to and you have nothing to show for it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We've eliminated dozens of wrong answers.
Dr. Gregory House: I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me not 25.


"House M.D.: Known Unknowns (#6.6)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Maybe this is House's way of telling you to talk to her.
Dr. Robert Chase: Sure. How was your day, honey? By the way, I killed someone.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Is he having an affair?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why should I believe you?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You shouldn't. You should believe him.


"House M.D.: The Softer Side (#5.16)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Kutner and Taub] I get House wanting to jerk me and 13 around, but you guys?
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: [to Taub] Told you they were still together.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [after House doesn't show up at work] We're on our own.
Dr. Chris Taub: Is he okay?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's fine, he's just not here.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Did he quit? Did she suspend him?
Dr. Eric Foreman: She didn't say. She said I was in charge until further notice.


"House M.D.: Joy to the World (#5.11)" (2008)
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I heard Janice was back on the trials.
Dr. Eric Foreman: My Christmas gift to you.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I was wrong, you're not House.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, well that's my Christmas gift to myself.

Dr. Eric Foreman: She dropped out.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: She okay?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not health related. She wants to drop.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Why?
Dr. Eric Foreman: She didn't say. And I only break into the house of very special patients to get to understand them better.


"House M.D.: Clueless (#2.15)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I thought you didn't believe that anything was wrong with his throat.
Dr. Gregory House: Never said I didn't believe it, I just said I had a good reason to doubt it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And now?
Dr. Gregory House: Now, I have a good reason to doubt those doubts.

Dr. Gregory House: Is the ant big and red, or small and black?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Medium and brown.
Dr. Gregory House: Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Is there a difference?
Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] Is there a difference?


"House M.D.: Don't Ever Change (#4.12)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: People who have a problem with boxes are people who don't fit in them.
Thirteen: You've been working for House a long time.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No need for name calling.


"House M.D.: Honeymoon (#1.22)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's not paranoia if someone's out to get you.


"House M.D.: Everybody Dies (#8.22)" (2012)
Dr. James Wilson: You think he'd do something stupid?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I think stupid is our best option.


"House M.D.: Mob Rules (#1.15)" (2005)
Dr. Allison Cameron: I don't have the right to show interest in someone?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You absolutely do. And I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it.


"House M.D.: Daddy's Boy (#2.5)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
Dr. Gregory House: Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.


"House M.D.: Needle in a Haystack (#3.13)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [about a patient that keeps bleeding] We plug one hole and end up poking another.
Dr. Gregory House: Are we talking about the patient, or how to get a raise from Cuddy?


"House M.D.: Family Practice (#7.11)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's not about the information, we're talking ethical and legal violations that should make even you fearful.
Dr. Gregory House: SHE'S DYING!
Dr. Eric Foreman: That doesn't mean we should all go to jail to save her.


"House M.D.: Who's Your Daddy? (#2.23)" (2006)
Dylan Crandall: She said she'd never go back there.
Dr. Eric Foreman: She lied to you. She's your kid, get used to it.


"House M.D.: Heavy (#1.16)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: 10-year-olds do not have heart attacks. It's got to be a mistake.
Dr. Gregory House: Right. The simplest explanation is she's a 40-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.


"House M.D.: Forever (#2.22)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: [patient refusing treatment after finding out she contributed to her baby's death] She said no.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So we get her declared unstable, appoint a medical proxy.
Dr. Gregory House: She was unstable, now she's sane. She's entitled to refuse treatment.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We have to change her mind, you can't just walk away.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine! Go in there and tell her that every day is a blessing! "So you killed your baby! Shake it off, think positive! At least you're alive!"... Hmm. Hard to sell when you don't believe it, huh? And you never believed it. You just wanted all that crap you went through to mean something, well it didn't mean anything, it never does! Welcome back.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why are you doing this to me. I was happy.
Dr. Gregory House: You were aspiring to be content.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Don't give me a semantic argument. I was content with the way things were. That's what happiness means.
Dr. Gregory House: Right. If we were all satisfied with what we had what a beautiful world it would be. We'd all slowly starve to death in our own filth but at least we'd be happy. Listen I need your self worth to hang on this job. For kicking ass to be all that lets you rise above miserable. If waking up in the morning is enough, I don't need you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I can live with that.
Dr. Gregory House: No you can't. Not anymore.


"House M.D.: Son of Coma Guy (#3.7)" (2006)
Dr. Allison Cameron: [rushes in the room; looks around to a relaxed Foreman and Chase] I was paged.
Dr. Robert Chase: Saw you with a cop. What'd he want?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [slides door closed] How many pills does House take, did I ever write him a prescription; that sort of stuff.
[sighs]
Dr. Allison Cameron: I told him six.
Dr. Eric Foreman: A day, or in a mouthful?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I was just hoping you guys would stay consistent with...
Dr. Robert Chase: [nervous] He wants to talk to us, too?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're next.
Dr. Robert Chase: [aghast] We gotta tell House what's going on.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Tritter says no.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then no it is. Cops have a thousand ways to make life difficult for you.
Dr. Gregory House: [House slides door open to peek in] Quick! What's the kid's status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron.
[looks around expectantly; team is silent]
Dr. Gregory House: See, if that were rhetorical, it would mean that I could just turn around and leave now. Which I'm not doing. From which you should deduce...
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's off all drugs except the antibiotics. His liver's just managing to hang in there.
Dr. Robert Chase: He's still sliding into coma.


"House M.D.: Maternity (#1.4)" (2004)
Dr. Gregory House: Get up. We are going hunting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: For what?
Dr. Gregory House: Wabbits.


"House M.D.: Sex Kills (#2.14)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: His right testicle was almost twice as big as his left.
Dr. Gregory House: Cool!


"House M.D.: Kids (#1.19)" (2005)
Dr. Allison Cameron: [Looking at the metal cabinets in the morgue] Are there dead people in those cabinets?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I hope that's who's in there.


"House M.D.: You Must Remember This (#7.12)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: You said there was a second case.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh. Yeah, thanks.
[shows Taub's poster]
Dr. Chris Taub: Oh.
Dr. Gregory House: The case of the 45-year-old doctor who just failed his pathology re-certification exam is going to lose his board certification and get fired.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How did you fail it? You spend half your life in the lab.
Dr. Chris Taub: I was recovering from the flu. I'm retaking it next week. It's not an issue.
Dr. Gregory House: Normally, I'd let Darwinism run its course, but Cuddy's in a big tizzy about her poster boy getting canned. So, how are we gonna get the short guy off the short bus?
Martha M. Masters: What about a tutor?
Dr. Chris Taub: I don't need a tutor.
Dr. Gregory House: Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hardass.
Dr. Chris Taub: Foreman.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Interesting.
Dr. Gregory House: You must be more worried than you look.


"House M.D.: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I thought everybody lies?
Dr. Gregory House: Truth begins in lies.


"House M.D.: TB or Not TB (#2.4)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: What's the emergency?
Dr. Gregory House: [holding a yo-yo] I can't remember how to do walk the dog.


"House M.D.: Damned If You Do (#1.5)" (2004)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right?
Dr. Gregory House: The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed.


"House M.D.: No Reason (#2.24)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [at House's hospital bed] Test was negative.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No trash against the fence.
[he looks at his papers]
Dr. Allison Cameron: Is your leg really better?
Dr. Gregory House: [distracted] Don't worry; I'm sure something else is wrong.
Dr. Robert Chase: We did find blood.
[House looks up and eyes Chase]
Dr. Gregory House: On which side?
Dr. Robert Chase: [walking around] The wrong side.
Dr. Gregory House: First thing that makes sense.
Dr. Robert Chase: The wrong side's the wrong side; it can't make sense.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It'd mess with his brain. Wouldn't cause fever.
[eyes Moriarty]
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's been sleeping a lot lately.
Dr. Gregory House: [looks up at her] You worried? I marked a change of meds on his chart.
[sighs]
Dr. Gregory House: Foreign object. Body wants to get rid of it. It causes the fever.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [in monotone disbelief] Blood's a foreign object?
Dr. Eric Foreman: In the brain lining, it is. Blood dyscrasia means cancer.
Dr. Gregory House: Find it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: All the tests...
Dr. Gregory House: have been negative! What do you do if your trash cans are full? You use your neighbor's trash cans. Except it's still light outside. Your neighbor will see you. So you go out the back way, into an alley, and drop off your trash by their garage.
Dr. Robert Chase: We'll check the lymphatic system in the chest.
[turns and starts walking]
Dr. Gregory House: [looks at him astonished] You got that from trash cans in the alley?
Dr. Robert Chase: [stops to speak] The saliva glands from the tongue are connected to the lymphatic system in the lungs. It's the next lymphatic system over.
Dr. Gregory House: [scans the team] Yeah. Go get lung lymph.
[Everyone leaves]
Jack Moriarty: [woken up] How did he know that?
Dr. Gregory House: I wouldn't have hired him if he wasn't smart.
Jack Moriarty: Right. Because you have nothing but respect for him. Maybe he knew the answer because the question wasn't nearly as tricky as you thought.
[House considers this]
Jack Moriarty: Maybe he's not getting smarter. You're getting dumber.
[cut to a surgery; back to Moriarty and a fake sleeping House]
Jack Moriarty: You pretend to buck the system. Pretend to be a rebel. You claim to hate rules. But all you do is substitute your own rules for society's. And it's a nice, simple rule. Tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way and what will be will be. What will be should be. And everyone else is a coward. But you're wrong. It's not cowardly to not call someone an idiot. People aren't tactful or polite because it's nice. They do it because they've got an ounce of humility. Because they know that they will make mistakes and they know that their actions have consequences and they know that those consequences are their fault. Why do you want so bad not to be human, House?
[Cameron and Foreman come back in]
Jack Moriarty: Oh, he's awake.
Dr. Allison Cameron: House, we need to talk to you.
Dr. Gregory House: [eyes still closed] How the hell did you know I was awake?
Jack Moriarty: Your nostrils flare when you sleep.


"House M.D.: Fidelity (#1.7)" (2004)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why are you riding me?
Dr. Gregory House: It's what I do.


"House M.D.: Euphoria: Part 2 (#2.21)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You know I've had no choice.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Of course you had a choice!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Regulations are clear.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension... hell, you can spend a couple of years in *jail*, if it *saves my life*!


"House M.D.: Whatever It Takes (#4.6)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's it? You're just gonna let him walk.
Dr. Gregory House: Of course, I want him as far away from the hospital, before YOU call the police on this nutbag!... Who did I leave in charge?
Taub: Foreman.
Dr. Gregory House: See? There's a *reason* for that. Next time, listen to him.


"House M.D.: Help Me (#6.21)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You can't blame yourself for her death. This wasn't your fault.
Dr. Gregory House: THAT'S THE POINT! I did everything right. She died anyway! Why the Hell do you think that would make me feel any better?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You shouldn't be alone right now... You're bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm going to give you a task as an employee: get out of my way!


"House M.D.: Knight Fall (#6.17)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: All it takes is one bad eyeball.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Or testicle, cow brain, or my personal favorite, pig rectum with a side order of sphincter.
Dr. Chris Taub: [Taub looks at Chase] I think that's breakfast in Australia.


"House M.D.: Lines in the Sand (#3.4)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Do a stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because he screamed?
Dr. Robert Chase: It could also be an environmental reaction... an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, something he ate...
Dr. Gregory House: Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... the lungs are in the chest too, right?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I had a date last night, she screamed! Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. Gregory House: Course not... this isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!


"House M.D.: Humpty Dumpty (#2.3)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You really want to screw Whitey? Be one of the few black men to live long enough to collect social security. Take the medicine.


"House M.D.: Frozen (#4.11)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [speaking of House and Milton] He's annoyed by her. Doesn't respect her as a doctor. Constantly insults her.
Dr. James Wilson: That's House's version of courtship.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh God! He's been wooing me for years!


"House M.D.: Poison (#1.8)" (2005)
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll check into it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'll make the call.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'll keep the kid alive - for a while, at least.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll have lunch.


"House M.D.: Last Resort (#5.9)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't believe it. Chase was right! You're gonna kill someone. I don't want to be a part of it.
[Foreman leaves]


"House M.D.: Dying Changes Everything (#5.1)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: We just got a call from Patty Mishner from Women's Majority, the women's rights...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We know who she is.
Dr. Gregory House: I dated her. Well not really dated her - more metaphorically raped her by having a penis.
[to Foreman]
Dr. Gregory House: You did, too.


"House M.D.: Larger Than Life (#7.9)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: You think Taub really comes across as the most trustworthy doctor here?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I knew it was bugging you.
Dr. Robert Chase: They cut me out.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a pretty boy. Works well with the ladies, not so much with the patients. No one wants an underwear model performing their splenectomy.
Dr. Robert Chase: I notice they weren't exactly knocking down your door looking for Dr. Trustworthy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's 'cause I'm black. Cortisol levels look normal. We were wrong. Which House will interpret as him being right. He's gonna make us biopsy the pituitary gland.
Dr. Robert Chase: You seem pretty calm for a guy who's surrounded by racists.
Dr. Eric Foreman: 80% of the Princeton population is white. Some are racist, some aren't. White works with both demographics.
Dr. Robert Chase: So race is your excuse, not the fact that you usually look like you're about to punch someone in the face?
Dr. Eric Foreman: We're good.


"House M.D.: The Social Contract (#5.17)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where's House?
Nick: Like trying not to think of an elephant. Not that you're an elephant. Your breasts in fact, all... all...
[Nick chuckles]
Nick: homo sapiens.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House isn't here.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, he wouldn't have paged me if he couldn't watch and enjoy the -
[Cuddy finds House sitting in the darkend control room]


"House M.D.: Brave Heart (#6.5)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [after allegedly dead patient regains consciousness during autopsy] He was briefly conscious, then his systolic dipped below sixty and he was out again.
Dr. Gregory House: [to team] Differential diagnosis for resurrection - go.


"House M.D.: The Socratic Method (#1.6)" (2004)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [about House] He's really talking to a patient?


"House M.D.: Not Cancer (#5.2)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: We need to remove the eye.
Dr. Gregory House: It's her only working eye.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We could remove the other one, but since it's not killing her, I thought this way was less insane.


"House M.D.: Detox (#1.11)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: Your fourth diagnostic criterion for lupus is psychosis. This is just a kid missing his cat.
Dr. Robert Chase: He was being attacked by an animal that wasn't in the room! That's psychosis.
Dr. Gregory House: There is a difference between psychosis and hallucination.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So if he was imagining a fake cat it would be lupus, but since it was a real cat it's not?


"House M.D.: You Don't Want to Know (#4.8)" (2007)
Dr. Gregory House: I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy.
[applicants stare at him in disbelief]
Dr. Gregory House: No kidding. Thong. Cuddy. Go!
[applicants reluctantly walk away, looking at Foreman as if waiting for approval]
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's how I got hired.


"House M.D.: Let Them Eat Cake (#5.10)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Must've been horrible watching her die.
Thirteen: I wanted her to die. She just... yelled so much, and for no reason. Just screamed at me in front of my friends. My father tried to explain to me that her brain was literally shrinking, that she didn't mean it. That it was the disease. But I didn't care. I hated her. I never said good-bye. And she died with me hating her.


"House M.D.: Meaning (#3.1)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House, who is looking at his blood-stained carpet] It's... a little weird to discuss the case while you're staring at your blood on the floor.


"House M.D.: Living the Dream (#4.14)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Don't know.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Don't have to know.
Dr. Robert Chase: Don't... care?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Wrong! Until this inspection is over, you're back on House-watch!


"House M.D.: Unfaithful (#5.15)" (2009)
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: So you want to quit?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No. I want to stop a stupid stunt. He doesn't want either of us to quit, he wants this. He's got two lab rats in a maze, and throws in one piece of cheese.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: ...So what do we do?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Nothing.


"House M.D.: Moving On (#7.23)" (2011)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] I know one conversation isn't going to solve everything... but it's a start.
[the curtain opens revealing Foreman]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's a privacy curtain!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Wasn't working.


"House M.D.: Parents (#8.6)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: My job is to be the jerk. House has to believe I have authority over him.
Dr. James Wilson: He can't function under someone's thumb.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I know which means you can't go either.
[Wilson sits down]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Your job is to be his friend -to stay here and watch the fight on pay-per-view while bitching about me. If we both do our jobs, we might actually get him through his parole.


"House M.D.: Hunting (#2.7)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [on the phone] Bad time? Where are you?
Dr. Gregory House: At your girlfriend's place. Ignore the moaning and squeaking.


"House M.D.: Merry Little Christmas (#3.10)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Where's Cuddy?
Dr. Gregory House: In this drawer. It's a rescue mission. But I got it under control. You can leave.


"House M.D.: Selfish (#7.2)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: A Scare test is insane.
Dr. Taub: Scare test is legitimate. Simulates real world conditions. This fling with Cuddy is insane. Flare gun? Scary enough?
Dr. Eric Foreman: How about just telling her we're planning this stupid test? And I'm hoping House and Cuddy are more than just a fling. It's clearly mellowed him out. He didn't even care about Thirteen.
Dr. Taub: Right, the guy who ordered us to stop the patient's heart has mellowed out. It's gonna be horrible because it's doomed. Which is just gonna make House 50 times more of a crank. Firecrackers! We can hide 'em under one of those covered food trays.


"House M.D.: Occam's Razor (#1.3)" (2004)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.


"House M.D.: Unplanned Parenthood (#7.5)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, there's someone here I need you to meet. I just hired Dr. Christine Fraser. She's a board-certified...
Dr. Gregory House: [via phone] Nice to meet you. You're fired.
Dr. Fraser: What?
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, you're kidding, right? I've done my due diligence. She's the best there is.
Dr. Fraser: What did I do?
Dr. Gregory House: You had the misfortune to be the lesson that Foreman is learning. That whooshing sound is the air being let out of his ego.
[Fraser leaves the room]
Dr. Eric Foreman: You are such an ass, House. You could've made the same point without crushing the hopes of a young doctor who was actually excited to have this job.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not sure I could have. You keep giving me far too much credit. Taub, it's your turn to find a young doctor who's actually excited to have this job.
Dr. Chris Taub: For you to fire?
Dr. Gregory House: Not until you, or she, earns it.