Dr. James Wilson
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Quotes for
Dr. James Wilson (Character)
from "House M.D." (2004)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"House M.D.: Wilson (#6.9)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: Got the urge to play last night. Had to go all the way back to my old apartment. Thought I'd save on future trips.
Dr. James Wilson: Hmm. It's very eco friendly of you. How about keeping down on the noise pollution.

Dr. Gregory House: Is it that time of year again?... He's a self-important jerk.
Dr. James Wilson: He's my friend.
Dr. Gregory House: He's a self-important jerk!
Dr. James Wilson: Seems to be what I'm attracted to.

Tucker: Oh, doesn't count as a new adventure if you have someone to hold your hand.
Dr. James Wilson: On the other hand, we are holding weapons and have no idea what we're doing. Fun.

Dr. Gregory House: The self-important jerk does not have Transverse Myelitis. He's got cancer.
Dr. James Wilson: How do you even -?
Dr. Gregory House: Ok! Maybe I paid the red head down in records a few bucks to cc me on all your cases. A few patients die you might get sad again. Make a speech that would end your career. Frankly, I'm stalking you for you.

Dr. James Wilson: You're Bonnie's friend. You know how to reach her and yet instead of calling her, you come and seek my permission. You want my blessing, and implicitly House's blessing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't need House's blessing.
Dr. James Wilson: Good.

Dr. James Wilson: It's exactly what you would do.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm me. You're you.
Dr. James Wilson: ...And a table is a table.
Dr. Gregory House: And chemo is poison. And double chemo is double poison. And I can handle it when things go wrong. You *can't*. And things could go very *very* wrong.
Dr. James Wilson: I can handle it.

Dr. James Wilson: Wow. Okay. See? That's... very adult of you.
Dr. Gregory House: No it isn't. It's just me accepting the fact that there's nothing I can do about it. Moving on.
Dr. James Wilson: Which is, I think, the definition of adulthood.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if it is. Being a kid is a lot more fun.

Dr. James Wilson: House, it's too late. The liver started to degrade. It's no longer viable for transplant.
Dr. Gregory House: ...
[to the victim's sister]
Dr. Gregory House: Well played. Religion just killed another person.

Dr. Gregory House: Don't be a doormat Wilson!
Dr. James Wilson: Boy. You are - you willfully ruined my food and have taken over my living room because you *already think I'm a doormat*! You know what?
[Opens the fridge and throws House's margarita shooters in the trash]
Dr. James Wilson: You're wrong! Clean up your stuff and GET OUT!

Dr. James Wilson: I want to donate a lobe of my liver to Tucker.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's insane!
Dr. James Wilson: I'm donating a small portion of...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You have hundreds of patients.
Dr. James Wilson: And until I run out of excess organs, why shouldn't I do everything I can to help them?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because you're a doctor, not a donor.

Dr. James Wilson: The operation is in 2 hours. I'd like you to be there.
Dr. Gregory House: [Long pause] No.
Dr. James Wilson: What? Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Because if you die, I'm alone.

Dr. James Wilson: We do need a bigger refridgerator. She hurt my friend. She should be punished.
Dr. Gregory House: You got mad? I'm proud of you. Cuddy won't share the sentiment. How you gonna explain it to her?
Dr. James Wilson: Changing our address to a PO box.
Dr. Gregory House: She'll find out eventually.
Dr. James Wilson: Problem delayed is a problem denied.
[Makes a call on his cell phone]
Dr. James Wilson: Bonnie. I'll take it.


"House M.D.: Don't Ever Change (#4.12)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about Amber] Are you sure she doesn't just want to drag you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and lay her eggs inside of you?
Dr. James Wilson: Excellent disguise, House.

Dr. Gregory House: Cross-species mating. If you like Darwin and the Galapagos.
Dr. James Wilson: Amber and I have a lot in common.
Dr. Gregory House: She's a cutthroat bitch. You cry over Dark Victory.
Dr. James Wilson: Bette Davis, another strong assertive woman.

Dr. James Wilson: Amber is exactly what I need and you would agree if you weren't mired in self-loathing topped with a thin crust of megalomania.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, that's my best friend's girl you're talking about.

Dr. Gregory House: She's a needy version of me.
Dr. James Wilson: Hard to imagine such a mythical creature.

Dr. James Wilson: C'est la vie, and I use the French because you're an ass.

Dr. James Wilson: Are you being self-sacrificing?
Dr. Gregory House: I'll sacrifice a lab rat, I'll sacrifice a fly, I'll sacrifice $200 on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self. Shabbat shalom, Wilson.
Dr. James Wilson: Shabbat shalom, House.

Dr. James Wilson: So you're going to acknowledge that people can change?
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. James Wilson: You think I've changed? Or Amber's changed?
Dr. Gregory House: Nope.
Dr. James Wilson: Then YOU'VE changed!
Dr. Gregory House: If you do change, can't it be the part of you that chases me down the halls trying to change me?
Dr. James Wilson: Do you know what this means?
Dr. Gregory House: That you've made ONE good dating choice. The fabric of the space-time continum could unravel.
Dr. James Wilson: My whole world could expand. I could form a long term connection that isn't with you. And since you put the darkest possible construction on everything, you could end up losing a friend... You've thought of all this, and yet you're going along with it. Are you being self-sacrificing?

Dr. Gregory House: You like that!
Dr. Wilson: It's annoying, but she's good at it.
Dr. Gregory House: Wait a second. This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's kniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves
[stops abruptly]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh my God. You're sleeping with me!


"House M.D.: Birthmarks (#5.4)" (2008)
Dr. James Wilson: That's how we met: I was in jail.
Sheriff Costello: This guy was a total stranger to you and you bailed him out?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a boring convention. I had to have somebody to drink with.

Dr. James Wilson: You know, you could just wait for the MRI to have your curiosity satisfied.
Dr. Gregory House: What person who is nothing like me are you saying that to?

[House uses nail clippers to remove part of his father's earlobe while feigning grief over the coffin]
Dr. James Wilson: [whispering] Put it back.
Dr. Gregory House: Well he's not going to miss it.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm done enabling. You can't even let them put him in the ground without making it serve your agenda?

Dr. James Wilson: [after House knocks Wilson's keys down a sewer] Amber gave me that key ring.
Dr. Gregory House: No she didn't. Unless her pet name for you was "Volvo."

Dr. Gregory House: Come on, forget the keys. Call a locksmith. We'll go inside and play "guess that smell" with the truckers while we're waiting. Join me on the dark side.
Dr. James Wilson: Dark side's done, House. I'm delivering you to your mother and that's it.

Dr. Gregory House: He's here.
Dr. James Wilson: Who's here? The one you're pretending is your father? Good pick, he looks like Sean Connery. So back, when you were devising this fantasy, did you tell your father. "Dad, I refuse to recognize your existence because I have chosen James Bond as my dad."
Dr. Gregory House: I used different words.

Dr. James Wilson: Well I hate to break it to you, Che, but simple delay won't work. Your mother will hold the funeral until we get there.
Dr. Gregory House: Father was a punctual man. Beholden to time. Two minutes late for dinner, you didn't eat. My mother would never disrespect him by starting the funeral late.
Dr. James Wilson: [sarcastically] Yeah, yeah. You clearly have *no* issues to work through.

Dr. James Wilson: I'm not gonna sit here wasting time just so that you can avoid your father's funeral.
Dr. Gregory House: He was my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral.
Sheriff Costello: Not if your mother's alive you don't.


"House M.D.: Alone (#4.1)" (2007)
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch?

Dr. Gregory House: [when House's guitar is "kidnapped"] Give it back.
Dr. James Wilson: What happened? Did someone kidnap your guitar? Your 12 thousand-dollar 1967 Flying V? Or something?
Dr. Gregory House: Where'd you hide it?
Dr. James Wilson: I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, it takes a cri...
[stops, then sees pieces missing from Wilson's newspaper]
Dr. Gregory House: It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want?
Dr. James Wilson: Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants: to see you interview 5 to 7 well-qualified fellowship candidates.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't need a team.
Dr. James Wilson: You were bouncing ideas off a janitor.
Dr. Gregory House: And solved the case!

Dr. James Wilson: [over a piece of House's guitar which has been "kidnapped"] Oh, my God. This guy means business, or guys. It could be multiple, multiple guys or a gal. Who knows? All I can say this reeks of boldness.
Dr. Gregory House: I am not hiring a team.
Dr. James Wilson: You ever tighten a guitar string really, really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird sound, almost like a scream.
[squeaking]

Dr. Gregory House: [on the phone with Wilson] Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe?
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah. In the end, they released the hostages. How's that working for you?
Dr. Gregory House: The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.
Dr. James Wilson: Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.
Dr. Gregory House: [turns on Wilson's TiVo] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need 10 of them?
Dr. James Wilson: It's a... it's a telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, say adios.
Dr. James Wilson: Are you erasing my TiVo? House! Not the season finale!
Dr. Gregory House: I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.

Dr. James Wilson: [on the phone with House] Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.
Dr. Gregory House: Bring it on!

Dr. James Wilson: You stole my patient.
Dr. Gregory House: You kidnapped my guitar.
Dr. James Wilson: Give him back.
Dr. Gregory House: Only when you give her back.
Dr. James Wilson: It's a she?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, it's certainly not a dude.
Dr. James Wilson: It's a guitar! You took a human being!
Dr. Gregory House: Now who doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dr. James Wilson: [House and Wilson searching the patient's home] What does the diary say?
Dr. Gregory House: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances.
Dr. James Wilson: If it was, you'd be quoting, not summarizing.

Dr. James Wilson: Where's the restaurant?
Dr. Gregory House: What restaurant?
Dr. James Wilson: The one you said you're taking me to for lunch.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh... ahh...
[points to a house]
Dr. Gregory House: This one's homier, dibs on a cold pizza?


"House M.D.: The Softer Side (#5.16)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: You gonna eat that?
Dr. James Wilson: Have at it... You just asked my permission before you took my food?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes we can.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: [entering Wilson's office] I think there's something wrong with House.
Dr. James Wilson: Who's he making miserable now?

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: House decided to humor these parents.
Dr. James Wilson: Maybe he had a great cup of coffee, or a tremendous bowel movement. Bottom line is your boss is in a good mood. Stop analyzing it and just enjoy it.

Dr. James Wilson: You slept with House. He asked permission before taking my bagel. Took the case without a fight. Honored the parents request for an MRI.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes, those were my terms for sleeping with him.
Dr. James Wilson: He's in a good mood.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Sex with me would explain that. But it doesn't explain why I'm not curled up in a ball weeping in shame. I did not sleep with House.
Dr. James Wilson: If you two aren't keeping something from me. That means *he's* keeping something from both of us. That can't be good.

Dr. Gregory House: [as House and Wilson are having dinner] You don't believe that I O.D. on vicoden. You figured I'm on something stronger. And because you can never *ever* assume anything but the most screwed up scenario as far as I'm concerned.
Dr. James Wilson: Funny how I'm usually right.
Dr. Gregory House: You think I'm on heroin. This is your version of a tox screen. Because if I'm on heroin, I can't drink that without risking another bought of not breathing.
Dr. James Wilson: Well?
[House drinks the shot]

Dr. Gregory House: I'm not detoxing.
Dr. James Wilson: If you're looking for something to help your pain...
Dr. Gregory House: It doesn't help my pain. It eliminates it.
[House tosses his cane]
Dr. Gregory House: My leg doesn't hurt any more.

Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy, he's happy.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House doesn't do happy. Pain or no pain.
Dr. James Wilson: Okay, maybe... But he's our friend. And this is his one chance to not be miserable.


"House M.D.: Private Lives (#6.14)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: [after Wilson passes his office] HEY WILSON! CAN'T FIND MY PORNOS!
Dr. James Wilson: Have you tried offering a reward?

Dr. James Wilson: [as Wilson leaves House's office] No one - look at me... no one can know about this.
Dr. Gregory House: From this moment on, my lips are sealed.
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson bumps into Thirteen in the hall] Sorry.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: I't's okay. Be not afraid.

Dr. James Wilson: I'm looking to get something on House.
Dr. Robert Chase: Couldn't you just... ask the love nmyphs for the secret?
Dr. James Wilson: Don't! My mission - is to find something that House would not like to see made public and make it public.
Dr. Robert Chase: Him? But you know him better than anyone. Why wouldn you need my help?
Dr. James Wilson: House would never leave anything secret around the condo. But you've worked in the same office with him on and off for years.

Dr. James Wilson: [Speaking of House] Giving him a computer is like giving plutonium to Dr. No.

Dr. Gregory House: It's a book.
Dr. James Wilson: Of sermons. For anyone else, spiritually enlightening. For you - it's practically a psychotic break... I know that you have trouble sometimes with the pain without the Vicodin. Is that it? Are you so out of options, you're looking for answers in what you consider irrationality?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm all right. Trust me.

Dr. James Wilson: He was a friend of the family You'd only known him when you were a kid. But... if wanted to meet him now, get an idea what he's like. Why not... just go talk to him?
Dr. Gregory House: "Hi. It's Greg. You slept with my mother."
Dr. James Wilson: You're capable of it.
Dr. Gregory House: I was mildly curious. Enough to read a book. Not enough to make a phone call.


"House M.D.: Dead & Buried (#8.7)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: I need to DDX a patient with you.
Dr. James Wilson: I thought you had a team for that.
Dr. Gregory House: According to Foreman, they're only for DDXing people who are still alive.
Dr. James Wilson: ...You have a dead patient?
Dr. Gregory House: Bigotry is boring when we add modifiers. I don't see creed, color, pulse.

Dr. James Wilson: You're an addict. And I'm an idiot for thinking your addictions were limited to pills, anti-social behavior and sarcasm.
Dr. Gregory House: [House belches] Sorry Vicodin repeating on me.
Dr. James Wilson: You're also addicted to puzzles. You show all the classic behaviors: lying, neglecting responsibilities, and you can't stop - no matter how desvesting the consequences.

Dr. James Wilson: Why do you care if he works on two cases?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Because next it'll be 3 cases, then 4. Then animal cases and ghost cases. And then animal ghost cases. Assuming we are talking about House.

Dr. James Wilson: Two trains are about to collide and I'm trying to talk them out of it.

Dr. Gregory House: You're right.
Dr. James Wilson: You don't even know what I just said.
Dr. Gregory House: That is ridiculous. You said "Blah blah blah blah. Deaf ears. Blah blah blah blah." Absolutely essential information.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Which means it's too late for me to back down. It's no longer my choice. It's just me - telling me he can get away with anything... I have to send him to prison.
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson sighs and rises] Your job is to keep this machine running. It's your choice to make House a useful tool, or a monkey wrench. Cuddy's way didn't fail. Because she didn't try to control House. She *managed* him. She knew better than anyone what tool he can be.


"House M.D.: Frozen (#4.11)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [speaking of House and Milton] He's annoyed by her. Doesn't respect her as a doctor. Constantly insults her.
Dr. James Wilson: That's House's version of courtship.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh God! He's been wooing me for years!

Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson's going on a lunch date] Are you going to follow me *into* my car?
Dr. Gregory House: It's got two doors.
Dr. James Wilson: Okay, look, the reason I haven't told you is...
[Wilson runs out the hospital]

Dr. Cate Milton: Whereas you, on the other hand, have a perfect score. You are responsible, nice, human. And yet, you're House's best friend.
Dr. James Wilson: Hold there. Makes you think he's secretly nicer than he seems?
Dr. Cate Milton: Makes me think you're secretly a lot less nice than you seem.
Dr. James Wilson: You always insult your doctors?
Dr. Cate Milton: It's not an insult. Indiscriminate niceness is overrated.
Dr. James Wilson: No wonder he likes you.

Dr. Gregory House: [trying to figure out who Wilson is dating] There's only about twelve people we both know. I can't remember five of their names... So we're down to Cuddy, your ex-wives...
Dr. James Wilson: Your momma!

Dr. Gregory House: Come on Cate, let's get this over with.
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson hits the mute button] You used her name!
Dr. Gregory House: Just trying to move things along, Bob.

Dr. James Wilson: [to House, after House asks Dr. Milton if she is okay] I have never heard you ask a patient that que... You've never asked me that question, and you've seen *me* fall down a flight of stairs drunk!


"House M.D.: Recession Proof (#7.14)" (2011)
Dr. James Wilson: You never do anything unless it stands to benefit you...
Dr. Gregory House: I realize that three failed marriages can leave a man twisted and bitter inside, but in a good relationship, sometimes people do things for each other.
Dr. James Wilson: A hundred says you don't show up.
Dr. Gregory House: You're giving me incentive to actually show up? A personal selfish incentive?
Dr. James Wilson: I'm just making easy money. 200.
Dr. Gregory House: ...How high did Cuddy authorize you to go?
Dr. James Wilson: Heh. She - she - three. She really wants you there.
Dr. Gregory House: Why do people believe I'm incapable of doing something nice?
Dr. James Wilson: Experience.

Dr. Gregory House: [about the Charity Gala] I want to make this more exciting. Something she'll remember for more than 10 minutes.
Dr. James Wilson: Okay. By fun and exciting you mean, screwing things up for Cuddy. So she won't even *dream* of asking you to go to one again.
Dr. Gregory House: You really can't stand to me happy, can you?

Dr. James Wilson: I picture him doing something stupid like - hiring a Marachi band or something.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, actually, I could get behind that. I tried hiring one last year, but the Board wouldn't let me. Because they thought it was too expensive.

Dr. James Wilson: You okay?
Dr. Gregory House: Why wouldn't I be? Solved my case.
Dr. James Wilson: But your patient died.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say in time. It happens. Can't save everyone.

Dr. Gregory House: The only thing my relationship with Cuddy does for me is make me a worse doctor.
Dr. James Wilson: [Chuckling] Right. The great Doctor House doesn't deserve to be happy. You know it's not true.
Dr. Gregory House: My happiness is being paid for with other people's lives.

Dr. Gregory House: All of them are gone, Wilson. They're all dead, because I'm screwed up.
Dr. James Wilson: You lost one patient, and it wasn't your fault.
Dr. Gregory House: What about that mom who gave her baby cancer? If I'd figured that one out quicker, she'd still be a mom, alive.
Dr. James Wilson: She refused treatment when it was offered. How is that your fault?
Dr. Gregory House: Then there was that guy I spent a day trapped in isolation with. I was 5 feet away the whole time. Just watched him die, like an idiot.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah. You've lost patients before, and you'll lose patients again.
Dr. Gregory House: Exactly. Why?... Because love and happiness are nothing but distractions.


"House M.D.: Under My Skin (#5.23)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's basically waterboarding.
Dr. James Wilson: It's pretty radical.
Dr. Amber Volakis: It's a great idea.
Dr. Gregory House: Regular radical, me radical or me out-of-my-mind radical?
Dr. James Wilson: Somewhere between regular and you.
Dr. Gregory House: So what's the problem?

Dr. James Wilson: You didn't do anything wrong. You prescribed anti-biotics. Any other doctor would've done the *exact* same thing.
Dr. Amber Volakis: "Any other doctor?" Words can hurt, you know?

Dr. James Wilson: Her?
Dr. Amber Volakis: Oops.
Dr. Gregory House: Kutner was secretly a woman. That's why he killed himself... It's Amber.
Dr. James Wilson: Your subconscious picked my dead girlfriend?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. My irrational part of my brain works like the rational part of yours. How about that?

Dr. James Wilson: House, I'll be up in 5 minutes. Then we can talk about how you'd rather be in a coma than rehab.
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, if you could be up here in 2, that'd be really helpful.
Dr. James Wilson: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Cause I'm about to put myself in insulin shock.

Dr. Gregory House: What do I do if my only option won't work?
Dr. James Wilson: You don't give up!


"House M.D.: Love Hurts (#1.20)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: I just want to make sure no one gets hurt.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I will be fine. Everyone's acting like I'm going out with Jack the Ripper.
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, it's not - it's not you I'm worried about.
[Cameron looks at him quizzically]
Dr. James Wilson: It's been a long time since he opened up to someone and I - You better be *absolutely* sure you want this because if he opens up again and gets hurt - I don't think there's going to be a next time.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're worried I'm going to break *his* heart?

Dr. Wilson: [House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You scared a guy into stroking out?
Dr. Wilson: Does that *surprise* anyone here?

Dr. Wilson: [to House about Cameron] Young ingénue doctor, falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet, gentle nature bringing him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart.
New Guy: Do her, or you're gay.

Dr. Gregory House: I have been on a date before.
Dr. Wilson: Not since disco died.


"House M.D.: Histories (#1.10)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: You gonna tell me why this case?
Dr. James Wilson: She's my new girlfriend. I'm having a tattoo designed, I was hoping you could find out her name.
Dr. Gregory House: So, she's just another sick person the kindly Dr. Wilson has made sure doesn't get lost in the big ugly system.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [approaching with two young-looking female interns] Dr. House!
Dr. Gregory House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already?
Dr. Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints.

Dr. James Wilson: [House is going through Wilson's file] You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word friend can also be translated as "limping twerp".

Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't *need* to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.

Dr. James Wilson: The only question is whether she dies in two months or three.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh, God!
Dr. James Wilson: You were right. There's nothing we can do for her. Might as well put her back on the street.
Dr. Gregory House: Unless it's not cancer.
Dr. Robert Chase: Oh, you're joking?
Dr. Gregory House: [Sarcastically] There's nothing funnier than cancer!


"House M.D.: Knight Fall (#6.17)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I get it. It's your life, you can screw it up. I can wait.
Dr. James Wilson: For what?
Dr. Gregory House: To tell you, "I told you so."

Dr. James Wilson: Hey. I can't believe I'm about to say this... Sam...
Dr. Gregory House: Told you so.
Dr. James Wilson: No. She didn't dump me. She wants to get to know you better.
Dr. Gregory House: Damn it! Never should have let her see me naked.
Dr. James Wilson: It goes against all my instincts. But I said all right.

Sam Carr: It's just dinner. Relax.
Dr. James Wilson: Trust me. There's no "just" when House is involved.
Sam Carr: We're in the middle of a restaurant. What could he possibly
[Sam notices House and his date]
Sam Carr: do?
Dr. James Wilson: That.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I heard House has met Sam.
Dr. James Wilson: First time, he was naked. Second time, he brought a transvestite prostitute to dinner. Overall, it could have been worse.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Great.

Dr. James Wilson: [House offers h'ourdouevers to Wilson and Sam] House, whatever it is that you're up to...
Dr. Gregory House: I'm trying to be nice. What I did the other night was juvenile. I'm sorry.


"House M.D.: Small Sacrifices (#7.8)" (2010)
Dr. James Wilson: I was buying an engagement ring. I'm gonna propose to Sam at the wedding.
Dr. Gregory House: That is the second stupidest thing I've heard today. And I'm surprised how close you came. You don't need to buy her a new ring. Isn't the first one good for all you can marry?
Dr. James Wilson: I assume you haven't apologized to Cuddy. Your stupidity demands equal time.
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing to apologize for.

Dr. Gregory House: So either God intervened, which is a lazy explanation, or we just don't know why - which is no explanation.
Dr. James Wilson: Sometimes there's no explanation. And I'm just fine with that.
Dr. Gregory House: Which annoys me to no end.

Dr. Gregory House: I apologized to her.
Dr. James Wilson: ...Good for you.
[Wilson starts to leave]
Dr. Gregory House: Not really, I lied. Just took your advice, too bad you didn't.
Dr. James Wilson: Good for you.

Dr. James Wilson: Pretend to apologize.
Dr. Gregory House: You want me to lie?
Dr. James Wilson: There's a lovely symmetry to it. A lie got you into it, a lie gets you out of it.
Dr. Gregory House: Everybody lies. I'm sure Cuddy... Just need to give her a chance.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, that must've been what I meant.

Dr. Eric Foreman: See? Life of the bachelor. All of the sex, none of the guilt.
Dr. Chris Taub: It's not over, okay? I just really miscalculated. I thought she'd forgiven me for everything but all those hurt feelings, they never really went away.
Dr. Gregory House: That makes a lot more sense.
Dr. James Wilson: Ignore him, he just got an idea.
Dr. Gregory House: I have one more test to run.


"House M.D.: Autopsy (#2.2)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: [talking about 9-year-old cancer patient] She's such a brave girl, I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's gonna die.
Dr. James Wilson: [long pause] Go to hell.

Dr. Gregory House: [referring to the bottle Wilson opened] I loosened it.
Dr. James Wilson: I opened it!

Dr. James Wilson: We can't do exploratory surgery on her brain.
Dr. Gregory House: Are you sure you're not a neurologist?

Dr. James Wilson: Terminal 9-year-old trumps your stuffy nose.

Dr. Gregory House: If you're dying, suddenly everybody loves you.
Dr. James Wilson: You have a cane, nobody even likes you.


"House M.D.: Need to Know (#2.11)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: [House is discussing the possibility of Stacy breaking up with her husband to be with him, while Wilson is rolling marijuana joints] She's not gonna leave Mark in the middle of his rehab... too much guilt.
Dr. James Wilson: She left *you*.
Dr. Gregory House: [adopting stoner accent] Harsh toke, dude!

Dr. James Wilson: What the hell happened in Baltimore?
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, chief. I never kiss and tell.
Dr. James Wilson: I think you just did.

Dr. James Wilson: You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.
[pause]
Dr. James Wilson: Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.
[Wilson and House look at each other. Wilson exits]

Dr. James Wilson: This isn't just going to go away.
Dr. Gregory House: No, but maybe you will.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [notices House come in] He's actually on time.
Dr. James Wilson: He's six minutes early.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Something's happened.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm on it.


"House M.D.: Distractions (#2.12)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: This guy's name is Weber, not von Lieberman.
Dr. Gregory House: I call Weber "von Lieberman." Way eviler.

Dr. Weber: Do I know you?
Dr. Gregory House: I know your math skills, they blow.
Dr. James Wilson: Touche.

Dr. James Wilson: You have got to find less debilitating outlets than humilating people. I hear bowling is more fun than stalking.
Dr. Gregory House: But I'm better at this.

Dr. James Wilson: [to House, who is suffering from a migraine that he deliberately gave himself] Dr Jekyll, I presume. They found a half-eaten sheep in the zoo, police wanna ask you a few questions...

Dr. Weber: [to House, who's in disguise] Who are you?
Dr. James Wilson: [sotto voice] Just a lunatic who needs a hobby.


"House M.D.: Known Unknowns (#6.6)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: If you want her, ask her out.
Dr. Gregory House: My God man, she's not some floozy in a bar. She's the floozy I work for. Gotta be no radical steps here. Gonna be subtle. We *happen* to attend the same party. Chat *happens* to turn personal.
Dr. James Wilson: The frog in gradually boiling water?
Dr. Gregory House: Exactly. She'll be red and delicious before you know it.

Dr. James Wilson: We're all murderers we just don't have the guts to admit.
Dr. Gregory House: And once again, WHO CARES? You won't be hireable anywhere!
Dr. James Wilson: It there's one thing I've learned from you, it's that I should do what I think is right, and not to worry about the consequences.
[Wilson leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, it's worked out great for me.

Dr. James Wilson: You drugged me... She's better off without you.
[Wilson passes out]
Dr. Gregory House: Words can hurt you know?

Dr. James Wilson: [on the phone] Hello?... Uh, I don't know what department I want. I need... pants.

Dr. James Wilson: When you do what I did, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else. If not God, or society, a friend. Otherwise you go crazy. What you said to me up there, thank you. You're a good friend. Cuddy should know that.
Dr. Gregory House: You should let her know I drugged you so you couldn't confess to murder.


"House M.D.: The Greater Good (#5.14)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: I hear Cuddy's SEAL training finally came in handy. Should I be investing in a flak jacket?
Dr. Gregory House: You're safe.

Dr. James Wilson: I'm in the trenches. I'm - I'm doing triage as best I can. You had the chance to end the war! How is someone like me supposed to keep fighting when someone like you - just walked away?
Dana Miller: When I left my job, a lot of people were furious with me. It was easier to be angry than to admit they weren't happy. They were stuck in a rut somewhere in their lives unable to move forward. What's your rut?

Dr. James Wilson: You're here because you like this. You like working with him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [sarcastically] Wow. If only I'd known I was having fun. I wouldn't have cancelled the bouncy House.
Dr. James Wilson: Fire him. And go be home with your new baby.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I like what he does for this hospital
Dr. James Wilson: What he does is who he is. And the same goes for you.

Dr. James Wilson: I am stuck. My girlfriend died. The only person I loved for a long time and I'm still living in her apartment. I'm surrounded by her things. I've left it all exactly where it was... I don't know how to get unstuck.
Dana Miller: The only wrong thing to do is nothing.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah.


"House M.D.: Finding Judas (#3.9)" (2006)
Dr. Wilson: Beckett was going to call his play "Waiting for House's Approval" but decided it was too grim.

Dr. Gregory House: [House is playing his PSP in the doctor's lounge when Wilson comes in and starts making a sandwich] What are you doing here?
Dr. Wilson: I work here.
Dr. Gregory House: You passively-aggressively gave up your practice.
Dr. Wilson: I have clinic hours.
Dr. Gregory House: Now you're passively-aggressively spreading peanut butter. Big sign around your neck saying, "Wilson doesn't have enough cash for the cafeteria."
Dr. Wilson: You know, before Lenny Bruce died of the drug overdose...
Dr. Gregory House: Oyyeesh! You're gonna confront me with everyone who's ever used narcotics. Damn, I have to get something to read.
Dr. Wilson: He was arrested on obscenity charges, went through a series of arrests because he just couldn't stop challenging the police. He became obssessed with his own legal problems and his act turned into long humorless rants about facist cops and the violation of his rights.
Dr. Gregory House: I get it, I get it. I need to change my nightclub act. Need more props.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy is in her office, crying. Wilson comes in] I'm busy.
Dr. Wilson: You okay?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Wilson: Um, what I mean by "Are you okay?" is "What the hell did House do?"
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Nothing.
Dr. Wilson: What did he say?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I've seen House been rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can.
Dr. Wilson: Seriously? What did he say?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [sighs] Nothing. Doesn't matter.
Dr. Wilson: Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get it to you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: People think that House has no inner censor. The fact is he holds himself back because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick.
[sniffs]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have been trying to get pregnant and House knew. He told me I was a failure as a mother.
Dr. Wilson: And you're upset because you think he's right?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have had three separate implantations: the first two never took, the last one I... lost.
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those were physical events.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: A little girl is scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing.
Dr. Wilson: That's normal, that's...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I didn't hug her. I didn't even... reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.
Dr. Wilson: She needed reassurance.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I told her her folks might get back together.
[laughs wrily]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes.
[voice breaking]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to...
Dr. Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[sighs]
Dr. Wilson: Well, I see what you mean about House poking the right spot.

[last lines]
Dr. Wilson: [to Tritter] I'm gonna need 30 pieces of silver.


"House M.D.: Joy (#5.6)" (2008)
Dr. James Wilson: I've just given you the answer, haven't I? And now you're going to walk out of here without saying a word.
Dr. Gregory House: [walking out the door] Nope.

Dr. Gregory House: I need a genetic disease.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm sure you're carrying a few now.

Dr. Gregory House: Why the hell haven't you come to talk to me about Cuddy? I've been doing all sorts of insane stuff.
Dr. James Wilson: If she can't handle your insane stuff, she can't handle a baby.

Dr. Gregory House: I need your advice.
Dr. James Wilson: It's not cancer.
Dr. Gregory House: Wow! Can you remove spleens with your mind too?


"House M.D.: Ugly (#4.7)" (2007)
Dr. Gregory House: I think I'm going blind.
Dr. James Wilson: Hairy palms too?
Dr. Gregory House: No, she said something idiotic again and I didn't even notice it. Foreman had to point out it was idiotic. She's making me an idiot.
Dr. James Wilson: It's cute, you have a crush.

Dr. Wilson: The story of life - Boy meets girl. Boy gets stupid. Boy and girl live stupidly ever after.

[talking about Dr. Terzi]
Dr. Gregory House: I think she might be an idiot.
Dr. James Wilson: Who?
Dr. Gregory House: But she can't be an idiot. She was in the CIA for God's sake.
Dr. James Wilson: The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph.
Dr. Gregory House: She had good ideas in Langley.
Dr. James Wilson: All your ideas.
Dr. Gregory House: She was able to identify that they were good ideas.
Dr. James Wilson: Stab in the dark here. Is she pretty?
Dr. Gregory House: She's new. She's nervous.
Dr. James Wilson: She's a C-Cup?
Dr. Gregory House: She said one dumb thing in a differential. They all say dumb things in differentials.
Dr. James Wilson: A D-Cup? If she's no good just fire her.
Dr. Gregory House: I can't! I just hired her. She left a career.
Dr. James Wilson: Wow. Either that's actual guilt or I've got to see this woman.

Dr. James Wilson: You've got a problem.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell me something I don't know.
Dr. James Wilson: You hire beautiful girls, enslave them, force them to be around you because you don't know how to have an actual relationship. If they're qualified, keep them. If not, fire them and ask them out.
Dr. Gregory House: You do realize that "tell me something I don't know" is just an expression?


"House M.D.: Son of Coma Guy (#3.7)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: Hi, do you guys deliver? Let me put it this way, if you deliver there'll be a $100 tip in it for you.

Dr. Gregory House: Wilson, get out.
Dr. James Wilson: No.
Dr. Gregory House: You've lied to the cops enough for me.
Dr. Gregory House: [after a moment] Maybe I don't want to push this 'til it breaks.

Dr. Gregory House: You know what I found interesting about this case?
Dr. James Wilson: That it proved that people can love unconditionally, and you can tell yourself it's not true, but you'll just end up in a hotel room in Atlantic City asking someone to cut your heart out?

Dr. James Wilson: [walking with House down hallway] Maybe your father's feelings were conditional. Not everyone's...
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, well, of course that would play into your romantic vision of human...
Dr. James Wilson: In terms you would understand, we have an evolutionary incentive to sacrifice for our offspring. Our tribe, our friends. Keep them safe.
Dr. Gregory House: Except for all the people who don't. Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions.


"House M.D.: Lines in the Sand (#3.4)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are we stopping here so House doesn't hear us?
Dr. James Wilson: Unless you wanna make out?

Dr. James Wilson: [to House] That was sensitive.
Dr. Gregory House: You have pretty hair.

Dr. James Wilson: [to Cuddy about House] Don't you think the restraining order's a little too much? He's not actually going to have sex with a seventeen-year-old patient.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I didn't think he was going to ask me to dig a blood-stained carpet out of a dumpster either.
Dr. James Wilson: It might be in the long run.
[stops at the landing at the stairs]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are we stopping here so House doesn't find us?
Dr. James Wilson: Unless you want to make out?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House doesn't have Asperger's. The diagnosis is much simpler. He's a jerk.
Dr. James Wilson: Why do you think he took this case? Because he believes the parents? Because he wants to help a young boy? He sees himself in this kid, and he's trying to help himself... He doesn't want this, he needs it.


"House M.D.: 97 Seconds (#4.3)" (2007)
Dr. Gregory House: Hey Wilson! I'm gonna cut some cripple's eye out. Wanna come watch?
Dr. Wilson: Good times.

Dr. Wilson: Just looking at you hurts. I'm going to order up some extra pain medicine.
Dr. Gregory House: I love you.

Dr. Wilson: Interestingly, the rain in Spain doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much.

Dr. Gregory House: [shouting over Cuddy to Wilson's office] Hey Wilson, I'm gonna cut some cripple's eye out! Wanna come watch?
Dr. Wilson: [opens office door] Good times.


"House M.D.: House Divided (#5.22)" (2009)
Dr. Wilson: [to Chase] The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House's bachelor party... Have you seen Caligula?

Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] Is he telling you to avoid the party?
Dr. Wilson: I took an oath to do no harm.

Dr. Wilson: Uh, I'm not going to the bachelor party. Everytime I go to one of your parties, I end up embarrassing myself in some new and unexpected way.
Dr. Gregory House: The thing with the duck was hardly unexpected.

Dr. Wilson: House!
Dr. Gregory House: Knew you couldn't stay away.
Dr. Wilson: This is my apartment! You can't do this.
Dr. Gregory House: Clearly, reality begs to differ.


"House M.D.: Human Error (#3.24)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't wanna solve cases! I wanna save lives.
Dr. Gregory House: You think she cares? You think the husband cares? You think the children, she can now have because of me, are gonna care why I saved her?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I care.
Dr. Gregory House: About yourself. About your own ego.
Dr. James Wilson: House...
Dr. Gregory House: [stands up and walks toward Foreman] You're the selfish bastard, not me. Which is why you took so much pleasure drawing out this little goodbye of yours for the last three weeks. It wasn't for me... It wasn't for anyone! It sure as hell didn't help anyone!
Dr. Eric Foreman: [looks shocked; then sneers and walks out]
Dr. James Wilson: Nice try.
Dr. Gregory House: Nice tries are worthless.

Dr. James Wilson: [Talking about Foreman] He really is gonna leave, you know that, right?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.
Dr. James Wilson: So what are you gonna do?
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing I *can* do. He doesn't want more money, better working conditions. He doesn't want a better job. He wants to not be me.
Dr. James Wilson: Because he thinks you're a cold-hearted bastard without any regard for anyone, but yourself.
Dr. Gregory House: He's right.

Dr. James Wilson: He's not afraid to be you, he's afraid to be who he *thinks* you are.

Dr. James Wilson: What the hell's wrong with you! You fired Chase?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't suppose *you* know what's on that patient's PET scan?
Dr. James Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart. How does that translate into you being a bastard?
Dr. Gregory House: So that's a "no"?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pick up the phone and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him.
Dr. Gregory House: [Picks up phone, dials number] Chase, if you know what's on the PET scan call me back.


"House M.D.: Clueless (#2.15)" (2006)
[Wilson is flipping through House's TiVo selections]
Dr. James Wilson: Now, why do you have a season pass to The New Yankee Workshop?
Dr. Gregory House: It's a complete moron working with power tools, how much more suspenseful can you get?

Dr. James Wilson: My wife fired the maid. Apparently, she's getting rid of everything that reminds her of me.
Dr. Gregory House: You did your maid?
Dr. James Wilson: I was nice to our maid, which annoyed her. God knows why.
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe she was doing her.
Dr. James Wilson: No one was doing her, all right?

Dr. James Wilson: I was watching something.
Dr. Gregory House: No, you were about to watch something. I'm watching something. See the difference?

Dr. James Wilson: You're kicking me out? After one night?
Dr. Gregory House: Why, you think we should try counseling first?


"House M.D.: Spin (#2.6)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: [House enters the cafeteria and snatches a bag of potato chips from Wilson's tray] Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
Dr. Gregory House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.

Dr. James Wilson: You really need to get some...
Dr. Gregory House: [cutting him off] Oh I get "some some" all the time. That's why I always need to borrow "some" money.

Dr. James Wilson: [Cameron reveals she was in love with her husband's best friend] You can't control your emotions.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No... just your actions.
Dr. James Wilson: You didn't do it, did you? You didn't sleep with him.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I couldn't have lived with myself.
Dr. James Wilson: You'd be surprised what you can live with.


"House M.D.: Out of the Chute (#7.16)" (2011)
Dr. James Wilson: You're going to have to talk to him eventually... he needs you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I love him. And I know he loves me, but I just can't...
Dr. James Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he *needs* you, without you...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't go backwards! I can't fix his problem. I *am* his problem.

Dr. James Wilson: You're scared because nothing excites you. Fun doesn't excite you. Puzzles don't excite you. What's left? And I was saying you're right. You're upset. You're depressed. Everything's going to taste a little worse right now, but... it'll pass.
Dr. Gregory House: It's understandable. You're scared because you think I'm falling apart. And you're trying to convince yourself that you're overreacting.

Dr. James Wilson: [after House jumps from his hotel room into the pool] What the Hell are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: What do you do when you win?
Crowd: Party!
Dr. Gregory House: What do you do when you lose?
Crowd: PARTY HARDER!


"House M.D.: It's a Wonderful Lie (#4.10)" (2008)
Dr. Gregory House: [in reference to reindeer antlers on Wilson's head] Would you take those off?
Dr. James Wilson: No. It's Christmas.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a moose on a Jew.

[House hands Wilson back his iPhone]
Dr. James Wilson: I've been looking for that all day.
Dr. Gregory House: Did you look in the box on my desk?

Dr. James Wilson: Have you ever consider channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the Mid-East?
Dr. Gregory House: I couldn't do that.
Dr. James Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.


"House M.D.: Fools for Love (#3.5)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.

Dr. James Wilson: [after House acts rude towards him and Wendy] Why so rude?
Dr. Gregory House: You sprinted through three bad marriages, into an affair with a dying patient, now a naughty nurse? How many more failed relationships are we both going to have to deal with before you learn to love yourself? And I mean that in a literal way.
Dr. James Wilson: It's amazing how you can not only know it's a relationship, but that it's a bad relationship based on nothing but nothing.
Dr. Gregory House: I know you.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm not with her. Not even trying.
Dr. Gregory House: You're lying to me. That's interesting.
Dr. James Wilson: Well, as long as it's interesting.

Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson after Jeremy refuses the treatment] Great job. Why don't you just shoot him in the head?
Dr. James Wilson: Hold on, that gives me an idea. You know what could save this couple? Lots of misdirected sarcasm.
Dr. Gregory House: They're dead. Yelling at you might prevent you from screwing up like this...
Dr. James Wilson: I didn't screw up! I did my job.
Dr. Gregory House: Your job was to get the biopsy.
Dr. James Wilson: No, it was to present the patient with his options.
Dr. Gregory House: Two options: biopsy or no biopsy. He chose the third: no treatment. How do you even do that?
Dr. James Wilson: Remember when you used to just weave elaborate conspiracy theories about my love life? Those were such good times.


"House M.D.: Kids (#1.19)" (2005)
[House interviewed a female doctor that can verbally match wits with him]
Dr. James Wilson: [enthusiastically] *That's* our Hitler!

Dr. Gregory House: [obnoxiously] You Jewish?
Dr. Petra Gilmar: [keeping her cool] Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
Dr. James Wilson: [desperate to change the subject] Uh... uh...
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Two hours of begging?
Dr. Gregory House: I heard four.
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well, actually... I'm only half Jewish.

Dr. Gregory House: The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth...
Dr. Wilson: They were Prada, meaning she has a good taste
Dr. Gregory House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada even if one stepped on your scrotum.
Dr. Wilson: Okay... Well they were nice... And pointy.
Dr. Gregory House: Exactly. They were stylish. And very painful to wear. Only an incredibly shallow, insecure woman would be in pain all day long, rather than to wear a decent looking comfourtable shoe and that's exactly the type I don't need around here.


"House M.D.: Family (#3.21)" (2007)
Dr. Wilson: I treat patients for months... maybe years! Not weeks, like you!
Dr. Gregory House: I'm taller.

Dr. Wilson: [to Matty] We just had to make sure you weren't exposed to any bugs, because your healthy bone marrow is what's gonna cure your brother's leukemia.
[Matty sneezes]

Dr. Gregory House: [Gives folder to Foreman] Hey, you're not gonna believe what happened. Wilson just killed a kid same way you did.
Dr. Wilson: He's not dead.
Dr. Gregory House: Five days are just gonna fly by. He didn't look both ways before he nuked.


"House M.D.: Skin Deep (#2.13)" (2006)
Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House - this is God.
Dr. Gregory House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now; not supposed to talk during these things - got time Thursday?
Dr. Wilson: Let me check - ohh, I got a plague! What about Friday?
Dr. Gregory House: You'll have to check with Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm going to come up with a new answer *this* time!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [enters MRI room] House!
Dr. Gregory House: Quick, God! Smite the evil witch!

Dr. James Wilson: I heard you killed your supermodel.
Dr. Gregory House: Just for a minute.

Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House - this is God.
Dr. Gregory House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now; not supposed to talk during these things - got time Thursday?
Dr. Wilson: Let me check - ohh, I gotta plague! What about Friday?
Dr. Gregory House: You'll have to talk to Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, dammit! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm going to come up with a *new* answer this time!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [enters MRI room] House!
Dr. Gregory House: Quick, God! Smite the evil witch!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
Dr. Gregory House: God, why have you forsaken me?


"House M.D.: The Fix (#7.21)" (2011)
Dr. James Wilson: Okay, here's what I saw, you lost and I won.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, well, you can take that to your grave. You're not taking my 50 bucks.
Dr. James Wilson: Prove it. Prove it or pay up. You got one day. Don't make me send my boys out looking for you.

Dr. James Wilson: House only doing what House wants is the only way he can function. Since the break up, he's been seeking out crazier and crazier things to do because they're crazy. This - well, it's not crazy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No, just irresponsible and possibly dangerouse.
Dr. James Wilson: By House standards, it's dully. This he's doing because he's interested. I think House getting back to doing - stupid House stuff for stupid House reasons is the best thing that could happen to him.

Dr. James Wilson: [to House] I think you want everything to be physical, tangible, simple. You want unhappiness to have a cure.


"House M.D.: Damned If You Do (#1.5)" (2004)
Dr. James Wilson: Want to come over for Christmas dinner?
Dr. Gregory House: You're Jewish.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What do you care? It's food, it's people.

Dr. James Wilson: [after saying a list of possible causes for the allergy] - Maybe it's just divine will.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not my will.

Sister Mary Augustine: I haven't seen television in over twenty years.
Dr. James Wilson: Do you consider it the work of the devil or do you just not get it where you lie?


"House M.D.: After Hours (#7.22)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: What are you doing here?
Dr. James Wilson: You hoping for someone else?
Dr. Gregory House: Hot nurse. Candy striper. Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgemental.

Dr. James Wilson: [House tries to walk after leg surgery] You're an ass.
Dr. Gregory House: What? For trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.
Dr. James Wilson: [Helping House up] Come on... Listen, you *can't* keep going like this. Something has to change.
Dr. Gregory House: Can I pee first?... I know.

Dr. James Wilson: You've got mail.
[quotes]
Dr. James Wilson: I hope your leg feels better, and I hope we can be friends again soon, you bloody scallywag.


"House M.D.: DNR (#1.9)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: Some doctors have the Messiah complex, they need to save the world. You've got the Rubiks complex, you need to solve the puzzle.
Dr. Gregory House: Are you done? Or do you have more references to 1980's fads?

Dr. James Wilson: So your philosophy is, if they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat. But if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.

Dr. Wilson: Why are you doing this? It's not gonna keep you out of jail.
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Wilson: Even if you win, the restraining order and battery charge stay in place. What have you gained?
Dr. Gregory House: Time.
Dr. Wilson: To diagnose him? You can't get near him!
Dr. Gregory House: I don't wanna be near him.
Dr. Wilson: You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex, they need to save the world? You've got the Rubik's complex, you need to solve the puzzle.


"House M.D.: Remorse (#6.11)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: [Speaking of Cuddy] She wasn't in love with me.
Dr. James Wilson: The fact that you can't admit it, just proves my point.

Dr. James Wilson: Of all the people in the world you've hurt.
Dr. Gregory House: Not everyone has a name that's so easy to find in the White Pages.
Dr. James Wilson: Uh, I'm in there. So's Cuddy.
Dr. Gregory House: And yet I picked him. It's funny isn't it?
Dr. James Wilson: Yes, it's hilarious. Great to see what a success your therapy was.
[Wilson leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: We said we'd never go to sleep angry.

Dr. Gregory House: Maybe because I recognize sending someone to the poor house is a little more serious than editing a snapshot.
Dr. James Wilson: No, it's because Cuddy actually means something to you, which makes it much harder to apologize.


"House M.D.: Resignation (#3.22)" (2007)
[House offers Wilson a cup of coffee]
Dr. Gregory House: Why are you suspicious?
Dr. Wilson: Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I'd have to deal with the Horsemen and the Rain of Fire and the End of Days.

Dr. Wilson: [after being dosed by House with Amphetamine] Are you really gonna leave? Where are you going? You lined up interviews yet?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not sure.
Dr. Wilson: You're pissed at House, I get it. You're symbolicating killing him.
Dr. Wilson: Symbolicating? What? Symbolic-a-lating... Gosh that's a hard word!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Are you okay?
Dr. Wilson: Hey, I'm not the one symb... I'm not the one symb... I'm not the one pretending to kill someone! What would it take for you to stay? Is it money? He wants you to stay!
Dr. Eric Foreman: He said that?
Dr. Wilson: If I said he said that, would that make a difference?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Are you sure you're okay?
Dr. Wilson: [Phone rings] 'ello? Ugh, I'm leaving now!
Dr. Wilson: I'm late for breast thing. You know he wants you, you know he's good, you know he can make you good.
Dr. Wilson: I don't know what I'm saying. You don't... I don't... You know what I'm saying and you know I'm right!
Dr. Wilson: I gotta go.

[House got the number of a nutritionist]
Dr. Gregory House: I was about to examine her boyfriend's rectum.
Dr. Wilson: You asked for a date while your finger was in her boyfriend?


"House M.D.: Simple Explanation (#5.20)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: I can't deal with this and House.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You need a friend too.
Dr. James Wilson: You don't give a crap what I need! You just want someone to take care of him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...He told Kutner's parents it was their fault.

Dr. James Wilson: You worked with him everyday for two years, and you never saw this coming.
Dr. Gregory House: No one saw it coming.
Dr. James Wilson: But you see everything coming. This has never been about what you missed. This is about *why* you missed it. You're terrified that you're losing your gift - losing who you are. And I'm terrified of what you'd do then.

Dr. James Wilson: [speaking to Eddie played by Meat Loaf] You would do anything for love.


"House M.D.: Cursed (#1.13)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right: don't talk to the people involved, drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation...
Dr. Gregory House: You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No. They're gonna lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.

Dr. Gregory House: Why didn't you tell me that Rowan Chase was in to see you?
Dr. James Wilson: Ethics... confidentiality... does any of this ring a bell?

Dr. Gregory House: You can't tell Chase but I can. What should I do?
Dr. James Wilson: Oh! This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part. Did Rowan ask you not to tell?
Dr. Gregory House: I promised I wouldn't. My fingers were crossed, though, so I'm wide open.
Dr. James Wilson: I was wrong! This is the musing-out-loud part. Do I actually need to be here?


"House M.D.: Now What? (#7.1)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: [On his cellphone] Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeeep.
Dr. James Wilson: House. You can't just *not* show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?
Dr. Gregory House: If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow
[Cuddy glares at him]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! Beeeeeep.

Dr. Gregory House: She's not a hooker.
Dr. James Wilson: What are you - wha - Really?
Dr. Gregory House: Begins with "C" ends with "uddy."
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson sighs] How many Vicodin have you taken?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It sounds like someone's trying to break in.
Dr. Gregory House: [takes a sword] It's probably nothing. Stay here.
[goes out of bedroom]
Dr. James Wilson: [stuck in window] Hey.
Dr. Gregory House: Stuck? Bummer. Looks painful. Chamomile or English Breakfast?
Dr. James Wilson: Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here?
Dr. Gregory House: You didn't get my message earlier?
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, but as someone once told me, everybody lies.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm fine. Just staying home, chillaxing.
Dr. James Wilson: Your patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door. I don't think you're fine. I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year.
Dr. Gregory House: Or, I'm ignoring you for a different reason. Sex with my girlfriend.
Dr. James Wilson: Hmm. Will you please just... Please let me in.
[House helps him in]
Dr. James Wilson: Thank you. And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends?
Dr. Gregory House: She's not a hooker.


"House M.D.: Dying Changes Everything (#5.1)" (2008)
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] We're not friends anymore House... I'm not sure we ever were.

Dr. James Wilson: I need a change of scenery.
Dr. Gregory House: Buy a plant!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Talk to each other.
Dr. Gregory House: How are you doing? Good?
Dr. James Wilson: Fine, thanks.
[they both get up to leave]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Eh, eh, eh, eh, sit!
[they both sit back]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...
Dr. Gregory House: ...think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel about what he's doing.
Dr. Gregory House: I told him he's an idiot.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
Dr. Gregory House: I think he's an idiot.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're an idiot. He's in pain, and your response is just to emotionally blackmail him!
Dr. Gregory House: You told me what's your position on this one. You're against it, right?
Dr. James Wilson: She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson] Go to hell!
Dr. Gregory House: So much for that theory.


"House M.D.: Changes (#7.20)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: Why haven't you been yelling at me about the Cuddy twins?
Dr. James Wilson: Because you're doing the right thing.
Dr. Gregory House: Are we talking about the same issue? Is there something I don't know about that I responding to appropriately?
Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy wants you in the middle of this, so does Arlene. Because they don't want to face their own problems. Somehow in your knee-jerk juvenille response, you tripped and fell into an actual adult response to this.
Dr. Gregory House: ...You're right... That was Cuddy's strategy all along. She wanted me to *think* that she desperately needed to be there so that I wouldn't be there.
[Wilson groans]

Dr. James Wilson: STOP! You're *both* at fault here.
[to Cuddy]
Dr. James Wilson: You - for trying to manipulate him when you used to know better.
[to House]
Dr. James Wilson: And YOU for - being you, which is an especially bad idea under the circumstances.

Dr. Gregory House: Janet Hemorrhoid!
Janet: That's not my name. It's why I'm here.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I see, it goes across. We better make this fast 'cause I'm about to lose my medical license for malpractice. It's nothing unusual. Head of the hospital's about to lose hers, too.
[Janet walks away]
Dr. James Wilson: I heard Cuddy quadrupled your clinic hours.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, but you know what? I'm flying through patients.


"House M.D.: Both Sides Now (#5.24)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: I slept with Cuddy. After she helped me detox from vicoden. I've been clean for almost 24 hours.
[Wilson stares at House]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, thought I'd mention it.
Dr. James Wilson: Wow. Wow! One for each.
Dr. Gregory House: That's what she said "Haaa."
Dr. James Wilson: How's the pain?
Dr. Gregory House: She's probably got some bruising.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah. I get it. You're a stud. This is serious, House.

Dr. James Wilson: Wow. This is fantastic! How are you going to screw it up?
Dr. Gregory House: Several good options. Unfortunately, I don't think, she's going to give me the pleasure. She left before I woke up. 5 minutes ago she told me I'm just an employee.

Dr. Gregory House: You're worried that once I'm in a relationship, you and me will be over.
Dr. James Wilson: Hey, I'm actually *for* this. I think this is great! But if you're serious and you don't treat it seriously then you will get hurt. And if you don't accept that, then accept that she will get hurt.


"House M.D.: Fall from Grace (#7.17)" (2011)
Dr. James Wilson: So you're doing some random stranger a favor? It's illegal. People go to jail for that. Pay huge fees.
Dr. Gregory House: Have you seen me practice medicine? You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore. I do. She's willing to work 4 days a week for free. It's gonna save me about $30,000. All I have to do is say two word: "I do."
Dr. James Wilson: And if she doesn't see it this way?
Dr. Gregory House: Iron clad pre-nup. We go our separate ways. Your stunned look, I take it, it's your way of saying "Brilliant idea House."

Dr. Gregory House: She's dying of guilt. Feels horrible for dumping me. It's great. I mean not the dumping part, but now the part where she'll let me do whatever I want.
Dr. James Wilson: So you're just trying to punish her? She feels bad enough, and now your only goal is to take advantage.
Dr. Gregory House: That's not true. I got plenty of goals. One of them is a 60 inch flatscreen right there.
Dr. James Wilson: You're a lot of things, House. But you've never been a sadist. You're pummeling an opponent who won't fight back.

Dr. James Wilson: [to Cuddy] You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He *needs* someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to when they say no. If you really care about him, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.


"House M.D.: Larger Than Life (#7.9)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: [House turns around finds Wilson and Cuddy] I forgot. you guys talk. Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I- I have to act like a decent human being, and you know what a strain that puts on me. And *you*. Ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer.
Dr. James Wilson: And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it?
Dr. Gregory House: I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink Scotch and watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey... by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?
Dr. James Wilson, Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes!

Dr. James Wilson: [after Arlene passes out because House drugged her] Leaving aside the fact that House is a sociopath, I have to admit that I'm - I'm honestly relieved. Your mom is quite a - quite a handful.
Dr. James Wilson: What?... I feel fu...
[Wilson realizes House drugged him]
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
[Starts speaking in gibberish and passes out]
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. I honestly thought you'd be worse.

Arlene: [to House] So, say you two got married. Would you convert to Judaism?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We haven't gotten that far, mom.
Dr. James Wilson: That's actually a really interesting question.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm an atheist.
Arlene: Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists. It's about community.


"House M.D.: Unwritten (#7.3)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: We're fine. Never seen her happier.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah? How about you?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm worried.
Dr. James Wilson: Because she's happy?
Dr. Gregory House: No. Because I am.
Dr. James Wilson: House, that's...
Dr. Gregory House: Ironic? Weird? Crazy?
Dr. James Wilson: I was going to say normal.

Dr. James Wilson: What did you do to piss Cuddy off?
Dr. Gregory House: I can't be romantic?
Dr. James Wilson: House, you're stealing from a woman in a coma.
Dr. Gregory House: We're fine! I never seen her happier.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah? How about you?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm... worried.
Dr. James Wilson: Because she's happy?
Dr. Gregory House: No. Because I am.

Dr. Gregory House: Long-term relationships are based at a compatibility, right? Now, we only have sex.
Dr. James Wilson: House, you don't actually think she'd dump you just because you, what? You don't do yoga? Listen do the B-52's?
Dr. Gregory House: Not right away. We'll fight. Make up sex. Fight. Maybe sex. And THEN she'll dump me. With a possible goodbye sex.
Dr. James Wilson: So, instead of enjoying the honeymoon fase, you've decided to skip entirely.
Dr. Gregory House: I need to find something we both like doing, besided each other.
Dr. James Wilson: Right, or you can just talk to her about it.
Dr. Gregory House: No, then she'll start pretending to like things that she really doesn't just to make me feel better, which will make her feel even worse, which won't be my fault, so I'll resent her, and that won't be her fault, so she'll resent me.


"House M.D.: The Social Contract (#5.17)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to you.
Dr. Gregory House: Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice.

Dr. James Wilson: [Refering to his brother] I thought seeing him again would change everything. It would be wonderful or terrible... Instead... we're just strangers. It's kind of anti-climatic.
Dr. Gregory House: Which is better than terrible.

Dr. James Wilson: My whole life is one big compromise. I tiptoe around everyone like they're made of china. I spend all my time analyzing what the effect will be if I say this. Then there's you, you're a reality junkie. If I offered you a comforting lie, you'd smack me over the head with it. Let's not change that.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay.
Dr. James Wilson: No. See this - if you were implementing the social contract, you'd say that to make me feel better.
Dr. Gregory House: It is kind of fun watching you torture yourself.
Dr. James Wilson: Do you think things will work out with my brother?
Dr. Gregory House: No... But when it does go wrong it won't be your fault.
Dr. James Wilson: Thanks House.


"House M.D.: Brave Heart (#6.5)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] OK, I am not ready to transition from my dead girlfriend's shrine to your... morning glory. I'll have a mattress delivered and set up for you in the tabernacle. I just need it Tuesdays for animal sacrifices... Oh man. Ugh!

Dr. Gregory House: Why are you talking to her? You run out of living people? You can talk to me. I'm right here.
Dr. James Wilson: I miss her. Talking to her makes me feel better. You don't.

Dr. Gregory House: [Lying in bed] Hi dad, I've been focusing on the wrong thing. There were some good times... WILSON THIS IS STUPID!
Dr. James Wilson: You see? He really *is* getting better.


"House M.D.: The Down Low (#6.10)" (2010)
Dr. James Wilson: You're doing this to mess with me.
Dr. Gregory House: Correction. I start doing it to mess with you. *Now* I'm honestly trying to hit that.
Dr. James Wilson: By pretending you're gay and in a relationship with me?
Dr. Gregory House: We're in a relationship and we're really unhappy. Communications never been easy with us probably because we're so closested. I got it all figured out. Nora and I spend the next few weeks hanging out. Become best girlfriends. I confide in her about her issues.
Dr. Gregory House: I can't decide if this plan is more despicable or illogical.

Dr. Gregory House: [while House is having dinner with Nora] Nothing you can say is going to change anything.
Dr. James Wilson: [Loudly] I love this man! And I am not wasting another moment of my life denying that. Gregory House, will you marry me?
Dr. Gregory House: Wow. This is unexpected.

Dr. James Wilson: Ran into Nora in the elevator. She no longer thinks were gay. Now she thinks we're mendacious dirtbags.
Dr. Gregory House: Mendacious dirtbags comes more naturally to me. Least we can get rid of that.


"House M.D.: The Jerk (#3.23)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You killed Foreman's job interview.
Dr. James Wilson: Why would I...?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Somebody did. Wasn't me and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House which means it has to be someone who actually likes House, which means it's either you or the weird night janitor who wears his pants backwards.
Dr. James Wilson: I want Foreman to leave. House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron is in love with him, Chase is afraid of him, and I enable him. House needs limits.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I give him...
Dr. James Wilson: You authorize magic mushrooms.

Dr. James Wilson: House is a 6-year-old who thinks he's better off without parents. A few tummy-aches after dinners of ice cream and ketchup might do him some good.

Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy thinks I sabotaged Foreman's interview. She's gonna fire me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I don't believe it.
Dr. James Wilson: She said it was unprofessional and...
Dr. Allison Cameron: No, I mean I literally don't believe it. Cuddy wouldn't fire you for something like that.
[Wilson looks guilty]
Dr. Allison Cameron: Which means either she lied to you or you're lying to me.
Dr. James Wilson: You so would have fallen for that three years ago.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You were looking for a reaction. You were looking for me to feel bad for you, save your skin. But how am I gonna save you? Unless you think I'm the one who really did it.
Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy's logic was Foreman's valuable to House. I care about House. Ergo, I would do anything to save him.
Dr. Allison Cameron: And your logic was I care about House as much as you do, ergo...
[Wilson nods]
Dr. Allison Cameron: It wasn't me. I don't care about House.
Dr. James Wilson: I don't believe you.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No one does. House is nothing more than my boss, Foreman's nothing more than a colleague.
Dr. James Wilson: [nods his head] You're lying.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Everyone does, but it wasn't me.
Dr. James Wilson: [nods and leaves]


"House M.D.: Detox (#1.11)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat.
Dr. Wilson: No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.

Dr. Gregory House: I'm not lonely. My leg hurts.
Dr. Wilson: She's a real masseuse.
Dr. Gregory House: She's $500 an hour, minimum.
Dr. Wilson: She's hot so she's a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Dr. Gregory House: The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic.
Dr. Wilson: She's a legitimate masseuse. Come on. She's beautiful.
Dr. Gregory House: Because she's beautiful I should do it? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Dr. Wilson: The envious, jealous, I'm-married-and-I-can't-do-anything logic.

Dr. Wilson: You learn anything?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah... I'm an addict.


"House M.D.: House vs. God (#2.19)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Patient. Fifteen-year-old. Faith healer. Hotline to God.
Dr. James Wilson: What are his symptoms?
Dr. Gregory House: He is *not* a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...
Dr. James Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?

[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: House, you are... as God made you!

Dr. Wilson: [House has interrupted a consult with a patient] Can this wait five minutes?
Dr. Gregory House: Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson: Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: Before the end of this consult?
Dr. Wilson: They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.


"House M.D.: Meaning (#3.1)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: I've changed.
Dr. James Wilson: No, you haven't.
Dr. Gregory House: No, I haven't.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have to tell him, he was right.
Dr. James Wilson: Why did you do it? Why did you think he might be right?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because he's... House.
Dr. James Wilson: Medically. What made you think he was right.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Nothing.
Dr. James Wilson: He got lucky. That's all that happened. Telling him "No" was a good thing. Because next time he won't be lucky, he'll kill someone. Just because he was right doesn't mean he wasn't wrong.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Exhales. Long pause] I see him everyday. I can't just...
Dr. James Wilson: Everybody lies.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You *ran* here?
Dr. Gregory House: [Out of breath] It's just... eight miles.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why did you...
Dr. Gregory House: Why does a dog lick it's... what's a workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?
Dr. James Wilson: Because he can.


"House M.D.: Black Hole (#6.15)" (2010)
Dr. Wilson: I'm pacing in your office because I am physically incapable of buying furniture.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: For Amber's old place?
Dr. Wilson: ...Yeah. I... it needs some new...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I know you bought the place I wanted. You're a jerk. Move on. Hire a decorator.

Dr. Wilson: Would you mind at least putting a napkin under your jelly toast?
Dr. Gregory House: Get a table, and I won't eat on the couch.
Dr. Wilson: Yes you will.
Dr. Gregory House: But I won't have a good excuse.

Dr. Gregory House: You are what you sit in. Your friends, your job, your furnishings. All define you.
Dr. Wilson: You don't really believe that. You just don't want to do the shopping.
Dr. Gregory House: Buy some furniture, or admit that you're empty inside.


"House M.D.: Act Your Age (#3.19)" (2007)
Dr. James Wilson: You! You! You! You were gonna let me do that.
Dr. Gregory House: You made a compelling argument.
Dr. James Wilson: You sent those flowers to me.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, because you took her to a play. And because actually you do wanna march right there and kiss her.
Dr. James Wilson: No, I don't.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, you do.
Dr. James Wilson: You're right, I do.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No. You're a jerk.
Dr. Gregory House: Night, Wilson.
Dr. James Wilson: Night, House.

Dr. Wilson: [House and Wilson are discussing Wilson's date with Cuddy the night before] Yes, I slept with her.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. Wilson: No.
Dr. Gregory House: [House looks him over] Yes you did!
Dr. Wilson: Yes... I did.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. Wilson: No.

Dr. Gregory House: You're trying to have sex with Cuddy!
Dr. Wilson: [ignoring House's comment] Fries?
Dr. Gregory House: You took her to a play. You only take women to plays because you want to...
Dr. Wilson: [cutting House off] No, *you* only take women to plays for that reason! That's *your* theory!
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, then why did you take her to the play?
Dr. Wilson: She's a friend!
Dr. Gregory House: A friend with a squish mitten?
Dr. Wilson: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without...
Dr. Gregory House: [House interrupts] Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex. She's a different species! She's an administrator. She's going to eat your head when she's done!


"House M.D.: The Choice (#6.19)" (2010)
Sam Carr: I'm still asleep.
Dr. James Wilson: Think of this a dream.
Sam Carr: What about House?
Dr. James Wilson: I said a dream, not a nightmare.
Sam Carr: He's in the next room.
Dr. James Wilson: Sound asleep.

Dr. Gregory House: It's not going to work though.
Dr. James Wilson: Maybe, but how bad can a night out at a lesbian bar be?

Dr. James Wilson: Sounds like you had fun last night.
Dr. Gregory House: You believe Chase?
Dr. James Wilson: I believe Foreman. And they had fun with you. What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: I realized they could be my friends.
Dr. James Wilson: You're serious?
Dr. Gregory House: And then I sobered up.


"House M.D.: The Tyrant (#6.3)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: It's just a wild coincidence that he thought you were a rude jerk?
Dr. Gregory House: Give me the benefit of the doubt. You said he was a jerk. I barely talked.
Dr. James Wilson: YOU TALKED!

Dr. James Wilson: It's easy to be nice to people you like. But being nice to someone you hate, that's a skill.

Dr. James Wilson: Even more nicer, he's not going to press charges, even if you don't move out? What did you do to him?
Dr. Gregory House: I was nice... Do you really want to know?
Dr. James Wilson: I think... I want to give you the benefit of the doubt.


"House M.D.: Moving On (#7.23)" (2011)
Dr. James Wilson: So you can only handle not self-destructing by being self-destructive?

Dr. James Wilson: [after approaching Cuddy's house, House returns to the car] What just happened?
Dr. Gregory House: [Not looking at Wilson] Get out.
Dr. James Wilson: What just happened?
Dr. Gregory House: [House faces Wilson] Get out.
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson exits the car] House, what are you mad about? Just let it out. You'll feel better.

Officer Soltes: We sent a uni over to his apartment and the hospital.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, he won't be there.
Officer Soltes: Any ideas?
Dr. James Wilson: When you find him, you're gonna arrest him?
Officer Soltes: Is there some reason you think I shouldn't?
Dr. James Wilson: [pause] Knowing him, he'll be in a bar. He'll find one that matches how he feels inside. It'll be the most dark, depressing hole you can find in New Jersey.


"House M.D.: Joy to the World (#5.11)" (2008)
[after hearing that House got a present wrapped in green paper]
Dr. James Wilson: It was right after Stacy left. He wasn't ready. I know it sounds silly, but Irene was the one that got away
Dr. Chris Taub: Really?
Dr. James Wilson: No, you idiots!

Dr. Gregory House: Oh I get it. You're trying to get me to prove you wrong, then I'm going to be nice to my patients through the Holiday Season. And then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's portridge. I'm totally on it.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah. That actually is what I'm trying to do. And the pathetic part is, it's not gonna work.
Dr. Gregory House: You're right. I gotta stop being such a jerk.
[Takes Wilson's dessert]
Dr. Gregory House: Oops, kind of undercut myself there.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He doesn't want us to treat her.
Dr. James Wilson: If it's leukemia even if we kill every cancer cell. her heart and liver are too far gone.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Double transplant.
Dr. James Wilson: With brain involvement? The committee won't even open the file. There's no reason to put a *dying* girl through a painful treatment if we can't save her... He's being kind.


"House M.D.: Selfish (#7.2)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: I'm seeing Cuddy... Generally, without her clothes on. Use your imagination. Hope it's got a wide-angle lens.
[House chuckles then takes a folder from Wilson]
Dr. Gregory House: You don't actually need that.
Dr. James Wilson: [Rising up] I'm gonna go check my office for whoopee cushions.
Dr. Gregory House: This is not a prank.
Dr. James Wilson: This not me walking out the door.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If I confirm it, can we leave?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's true.
[pause. Cuddy gives House a quick kiss]
Dr. James Wilson: I've been more passionate with my great-aunt.
Dr. Gregory House: Mabel? Up high!
[House raises his right hand. Pause. Cuddy grabs the front of House's pants]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We done here?

Dr. Gregory House: I can't handle it.
Dr. James Wilson: What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: She said yes. I heard "no." I didn't actually hear "no." I just was sure that's what she meant. The way she tilted her head and half arched her eyebrow. Why do I even care what she meant? She said "yes." That's all that matters. I'm screwing this up.


"House M.D.: Occam's Razor (#1.3)" (2004)
Dr. James Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nads.

Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

Dr. Gregory House: It was so perfect it was beautiful.
Dr. James Wilson: Beauty always seduces us on the way to the truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nuts!


"House M.D.: The Confession (#8.5)" (2011)
Dr. James Wilson: [to Foreman as he's caring for Taub's babies] You ever hear me mention anything about wanting kids, please feel free to punch me in the liver.

Dr. Eric Foreman: What's House up to? He hasn't asked me for anything. He's been incredibly well behaved. He's doing his clinic hours.
Dr. James Wilson: That *is* a sign of concern.

Dr. James Wilson: Also he's started a betting pool on which kid is yours and which isn't.
[Wilson chuckles slightly. Taub looks around]
Dr. Chris Taub: An entire hospital betting on the legitimacy of my kids?... It's great to be back among friends.
[Taub leaves. Wilson takes one of Taub's utensils, and starts to leave the cafeteria. Then he encounters Taub]
Dr. James Wilson: I'm not the bad guy here. I'm betting on both of them being yours.
[Taub takes the utensil back, and leaves]
Dr. James Wilson: I would've donated the money to charity.


"House M.D.: Saviors (#5.21)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: I'm losing my mind. All you gotta say is "good"?
Dr. James Wilson: House, a guy you worked with for two years, who you mentored, and... yes, possibly even cared about, just blew his brains out. You can't find the reason. You can't find the meaning in it. Because sometimes there isn't any. Sometimes... this is all there is. You should be losing it. You'd be crazy not to be off your game. But your mojo's right where you left it. Just... keep playing with it. I gotta go. Help yourself.

Dr. Gregory House: You manipulative bitch. You're not suddenly eating healthy because you want to. You're eating healthy because I don't want to! I've been mooching food for ten years. Now it either suddenly started bothering you this week or...
Dr. James Wilson: Screwing with you. It needed to be done. After Amber died, I withdrew, tried to change everything. Hoping I'd sort it out, find some deeper truth. It was mistake. I should've gone back to normal - to here and now, because that's all we can ever really count on. Things need to go back to normal in your life. And what could be more normal than me screwing with you, and you figuring it out?
Dr. Gregory House: You manipulative bitch!


"House M.D.: Safe (#2.16)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: [enters House's apartment after waiting for hours outside his door] Where's... the hooker, I assume?
Dr. Gregory House: [points at his own head] Right up here, buddy.
Dr. James Wilson: You said... you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say it had to be with another person.
[Wilson makes totally grossed-out face]
Dr. Gregory House: Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?
Dr. James Wilson: No. I was waiting out there for hours!
Dr. Gregory House: Well, I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards.

Dr. Gregory House: Inaminrone was a stupid idea, unless you wanted me to get that girl in the elevator.
Dr. James Wilson: I wouldn't do that.
Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't respect you if you did.
[House's cane breaks, and falls down]
Dr. James Wilson: Wow, looks like somebody... filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping.


"House M.D.: Bombshells (#7.15)" (2011)
Dr. James Wilson: House, I'm not going to tell you a third time. Do not screw this up! Because I *really* don't want to clean up the mess.

Dr. James Wilson: [knock, knock] I'll get it.
Dr. Gregory House: That better be her.
Dr. James Wilson: [opens the door and finds Rachel with Officer] Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.
Rachel Cuddy: Don't blame me. He's the one who wouldn't run any red lights.
Police Officer: Mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that?
Dr. Gregory House: [comes into the room] I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it.
Dr. James Wilson: What's the problem, Officer?
Police Officer: She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl's father?
Dr. Gregory House: Nope. But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. Officer, you have my word, it won't happen again.
[Officer leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: Because next time she won't get caught!
[House gives Rachel high five and holds her. Wilson hugs both]
Dr. Gregory House: [Cuddy awakes from her dream]


"House M.D.: Whac-A-Mole (#3.8)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: [walks in during a differential] I have a patient. I need...
Dr. Gregory House: Not now!
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll go.
Dr. Gregory House: [she begins to leave] You'll stay. Patient's dying.
Dr. James Wilson: So's mine.
Dr. Gregory House: Not in the next hour.

Dr. Gregory House: [Wilson is at his desk in his office writing letters and putting them into envelopes. House enters the room] Wanna go throw stuff on people off the balcony?
[Wilson ignores House]
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, mail can wait.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm referring my patients to other oncologists. I'm shutting down my practice.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, good. I was afraid you'd overreact.
Dr. James Wilson: [angry tone] I can't just ask my patients to wait because Dr. Cameron's boss won't let her come out and play!
Dr. Gregory House: Kept you waiting for maybe an hour.
Dr. James Wilson: [yells] 3 hours!
Dr. Gregory House: Anybody die?
Dr. James Wilson: Not this time!
Dr. Gregory House: Well, Cameron's available now. Use her all you want.
[sits on the couch]
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, so now's a better time for me to have my life taken away if it fits into your schedule better?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, poor you. Think if you suffer loudly enough...
Dr. James Wilson: [screams] YOU COMMITTED A CRIME!
Dr. Gregory House: What do you want me to do? Turn myself in?
Dr. James Wilson: YES! YES! Do something! Go in! Show some remorse! Tell Tritter you'll get some help!
Dr. Gregory House: I don't need any help.
Dr. James Wilson: House, get out of here. Get out of here.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not gonna make me feel guilty about what Tritter's doing... to us.
[gets up to leave]
Dr. James Wilson: [laughs humorously] You already feel guilty. Your serious shoulder pain isn't coming from your cane, it's coming from your conscience, and that used to be enough. Despite all your smart-ass remarks, I knew you gave a damn. This time, you were either gonna help me through this or you weren't. I got my answer.
[House leaves; Wilson continues his work]


"House M.D.: Everybody Dies (#8.22)" (2012)
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: When the cancer starts getting really bad...
Dr. Gregory House: Cancer's boring.

Dr. James Wilson: You think he'd do something stupid?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I think stupid is our best option.


"House M.D.: Daddy's Boy (#2.5)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: We're discussing your new patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new patient.

[last lines]
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why does he hate seeing his parents? So his Dad tells the truth, he can't handle that?
Dr. James Wilson: He hates being a disappointment.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's a doctor. World famous! How disappointed can they be?
Dr. James Wilson: You know what I figure is worse than watching your son become crippled? Watching him be miserable.


"House M.D.: Last Temptation (#7.19)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: [after Wilson wins the bet] Bird recover okay?
Dr. James Wilson: Physically - yes. Emotionally - it was a long night. Next week - ferrets?

Martha Masters: Isn't that House's chicken?
Dr. James Wilson: Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I ever agreed to this bet.
Martha Masters: So call it off.
Dr. James Wilson: And lose $20?


"House M.D.: Locked In (#5.19)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: You know how you hate it when I meddle in your lies... uh, I mean life.
Dr. James Wilson: Why are you being so evasive unless you have something to evade?

[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: Oh House, please. I assume you went because you're tired of screwing up every chance you have at happiness.
Dr. Gregory House: [Holding up his cellphone] Delete contact.
Dr. James Wilson: Do not let the fact that I found out about it...
Dr. Gregory House: Don't beat yourself up. I'm not going back because it doesn't work.
[House sees Wilson blur like the locked-in patient saw his environment]
Dr. James Wilson: You'll end up alone.


"House M.D.: Sex Kills (#2.14)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. James Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?

Dr. James Wilson: It's not all about sex, House.
Dr. Gregory House: Really? When did that change?


"House M.D.: One Day, One Room (#3.12)" (2007)
Dr. Wilson: [to House] Are we role-playing? Am I you? I don't want to be you.

Dr. Wilson: Tell her the truth.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [Cut to Cameron] Tell her your life has been good.
Dr. Gregory House: It hasn't been.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Tell her anyway. She wants hope. She wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. Things can be okay, which means maybe they can be okay for her again.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [Cut to Foreman] Tell her your life sucked.
Dr. Gregory House: It didn't.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone. She wants to know she's gonna survive this, that other people have been through this and worse and come out the other end. She wants to know she's gonna heal. Act like... you healed.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Cut to Chase] Tell her... Keep her asleep.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks. You've all been a huge help.


"House M.D.: Here Kitty (#5.18)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: I don't care if her superstitions make her feel better. I just want her to think clearly.
Dr. James Wilson: Maybe that can make her as happy as you.

Dr. James Wilson: [to House as he's about to perform an autopsy] I put up with your obsessions. I even encourage them... for one reason, they save lives. I don't know what you're doing.


"House M.D.: TB or Not TB (#2.4)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: J'ever notice, how all the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa... can't think of any others, they all die alone? The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz it's crazy.
Dr. James Wilson: It's an unfair world.

Dr. James Wilson: [discussing Dr. Charles] You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
Dr. Gregory House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes... crazy, crazy world.


"House M.D.: Instant Karma (#6.4)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: He needs someone who doesn't need him. You're the only one he's never *really* been able to suck into his crazy House vortex. Keeps him grounded. His ego in check.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Why didn't you just come to me?
Dr. James Wilson: I figured you'd only stay if House asked and I knew he would... eventually.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Bye Wilson.

Dr. Gregory House: I just made $10,000 short sale on a stock I know is going crash because of what I saw a grief stricken dad do on his son's deathbed.
Dr. James Wilson: No you didn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes I did.
Dr. James Wilson: You *are* a jerk.


"House M.D.: Fidelity (#1.7)" (2004)
Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You certainly love saying it.

Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!
[Wilson sighs in surrender]


"House M.D.: Half-Wit (#3.15)" (2007)
Dr. James Wilson: Are you curious about heroin?
Dr. Gregory House: Not since last year's Christmas party.

Dr. James Wilson: I could set up a tower on the roof during a lightning storm, help you switch brains with your patient. Then you would be the brilliant pianist, and he would be the doctor hiding brain cancer from his friend.
Dr. Gregory House: It's nothing.
Dr. James Wilson: You need to talk about it.
Dr. Gregory House: You need to talk about it.
Dr. James Wilson: At least let me look at your medical file.
Dr. Gregory House: You're making a big deal out of nothing. Who else knows?
Dr. James Wilson: No one, and cancer is not nothing.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, didn't mean to offend your specialty.


"House M.D.: Teamwork (#6.7)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: There are a thousand people in the world who want to be on your staff. But you're going after the four who *don't*.
Dr. Gregory House: They "don't" because their lives are irrelevantly and annoyingly complicated. Which makes them confused. Which makes them make poor decisions.

Dr. James Wilson: I supposed throwing yourself into your work isn't the worst thing you could do.
Dr. Gregory House: What is the worst thing I could do?


"House M.D.: 5 to 9 (#6.13)" (2010)
Dr. James Wilson: You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The situation is out of control enough already. House is the *last* person I want involved.

Dr. James Wilson: How's it going?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Got 3 hours to save this place from bankruptsy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls.
Dr. James Wilson: Rache's going to be fine. I'm sure whoever he or she is, deserves it. And we're not going backrupt, are we?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't worry the board will fire me before they allow that to happen.
Dr. James Wilson: They'd never fire you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Quietly] I just told Atlantic Net Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump.
Dr. James Wilson: They might fire you.


"House M.D.: Open and Shut (#6.18)" (2010)
Dr. James Wilson: You're trying to get us to fight.
Dr. Gregory House: No, I'm trying to help. If you got an issue, let her know.
Dr. James Wilson: I should've known that you weren't done sabotaging this.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. Stew in your irritation. Sure your last time it bubbled over into resentment and rage, leading ultimately into painful divorce that neither of you really recovered from, but... I'm sure this time it'll be great.

Dr. James Wilson: I always thought that I was keeping the peace. But I was just resenting you and giving you a reason to leave.
Sam Carr: I wish we had this fight 10 years ago.
Dr. James Wilson: Is it okay if we don't give House the credit?
Sam Carr: I recommend it.


"House M.D.: Lucky Thirteen (#5.5)" (2008)
Dr. James Wilson: House, you are a drug addict. You go to prostitutes. You can't be judgmental.
Dr. Gregory House: And yet...

Dr. James Wilson: [referring to the hooker] Best thirty dollars I ever spent.
Dr. Gregory House: Thirty? Did you keep her number?


"House M.D.: Acceptance (#2.1)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: Do you know why people are *nice* to other people?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I know this one! Uh, because people are good, decent, and caring. Either that or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, you'll be mean to me. Mutually-assured destruction.

Dr. Gregory House: [House is eating lunch while sitting next to a patient in a coma] He doesn't mind... I asked.
Dr. James Wilson: You're getting crumbs all over him!


"House M.D.: House's Head (#4.15)" (2008)
Dr. James Wilson: [after reviving House] You almost kill yourself and all we're getting is drug induced fantasies!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you *crazy*? Alzheimer drugs will make your brain go into overdrive!
Dr. Gregory House: That's the point. It'll speed up my neuronal firing, turn up the voltage on my memory.
Dr. James Wilson: And blow out your heart. How many did you take?
Dr. Gregory House: Just now or including the ones I took on the ride over?


"House M.D.: Moving the Chains (#6.12)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, why don't you tell me my *real* evil plan.
Dr. James Wilson: I don't think there's an evil plan. You regret not having a relationship with your own family. And you don't want to see Foreman go down that same path. I *think* you're actually being nice.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh shut up! You can't accuse me of an oppussum attack and underhanded kindness in the same visit.
Dr. James Wilson: I'll leave.

Dr. James Wilson: [to House] It was nice of you. You didn't provoke Marcus to quit so the pranks would stop. You were becoming the common enemy they could bond over. You are the diabolical yet benevolent puppetmaster.


"House M.D.: Love is Blind (#8.14)" (2012)
Dr. Gregory House: How long were you gonna wait before you told me?
Dr. James Wilson: I thought we already had the 'Santa Claus' talk.

Dr. Gregory House: You know what this means?
Dr. James Wilson: Your mom's a slut?
Dr. Gregory House: That, and she's not as boring as I thought she was.


"House M.D.: Ignorance Is Bliss (#6.8)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] How you manage to elevate your narcissim to beneficence is masterful.

Dr. James Wilson: Have you considered the possibility that this is a fake address.
Dr. Gregory House: You think she'd send me to a vacant lot for Thanksgiving dinner?
Dr. James Wilson: If she's smart.
Dr. Gregory House: She is. So I ran it through Motor Vehicles. Good as gold.
Dr. James Wilson: This *cannot* end well.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't want it to end well. You should come as my date. You're not gonna want to miss this.


"House M.D.: Cane and Able (#3.2)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: You're just like any other patient. Running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Dr. James Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a... torturous window to the good life.
Dr. Gregory House: What part of "poop" didn't you understand?

[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: I was afraid you'd think you were God... and that your wings would melt.
Dr. Gregory House: [matter-of-factly] God doesn't have a limp.


"House M.D.: Games (#4.9)" (2007)
Dr. James Wilson: Dying's easy - living's hard!
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded.

Dr. James Wilson: What kind of a lawyer tells a man he has a case for the correct diagnosis?
Dr. Gregory House: I've heard not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV.
Dr. James Wilson: I don't think he has a law degree.
Dr. Gregory House: I've heard not all the lawyer on TV have them either.
Dr. James Wilson: I think he has a medical degree.


"House M.D.: Control (#1.14)" (2005)
Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. Gregory House: And the reason you want respect?
Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.

Dr. Wilson: How do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. Gregory House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.


"House M.D.: Role Model (#1.17)" (2005)
Dr. Wilson: [House says he believes a politician patient] "Everybody lies" - except *politicians*? House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just *believe* him, you believed *in* him. You wanna come over tonight and watch old movies and - cry? Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much niceness and not get any on you.

Dr. Wilson: [to House] Only you could feel like crap about doing something good.


"House M.D.: Unfaithful (#5.15)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Entering Wilson's office] You idiot! I was free and clear. Now he's coming and it's *your* fault!
Dr. James Wilson: Since when has your failed attempts at communication through *lies* become my fault?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Since you forgot how to keep your mouth shut! You messed it up, and now you fix it! And you're gonna keep my name out of it!

Dr. James Wilson: Are you eliminating symptoms?
Dr. Gregory House: We can know everything.
Dr. James Wilson: This is medicine not metaphysics!
Dr. Gregory House: Truth is truth.


"House M.D.: Parents (#8.6)" (2011)
Dr. James Wilson: Your biological father was a decent God-fearing minister. The man who raised you was a cold-hearted jerk. I'm trying to figure out why you're so convinced Adam has parentally inflicted damage.
Dr. Gregory House: You're trying to deflect.
Dr. James Wilson: No, you are. You have to believe that every parent screws up every child or you were screwed out of a decent childhood.
Dr. Gregory House: My decent daddy of the cloth was also being indecent with my married mom. He probably would've taken all her kids to the playground.

Dr. Eric Foreman: My job is to be the jerk. House has to believe I have authority over him.
Dr. James Wilson: He can't function under someone's thumb.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I know which means you can't go either.
[Wilson sits down]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Your job is to be his friend -to stay here and watch the fight on pay-per-view while bitching about me. If we both do our jobs, we might actually get him through his parole.


"House M.D.: Hunting (#2.7)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.

Dr. Wilson: [to House] Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal. Very caveman.


"House M.D.: The Itch (#5.7)" (2008)
Dr. Gregory House: I kinda hit that, so she's all on my jock.
Dr. James Wilson: Wow! Wha... what?
Dr. Gregory House: Huh... everyone else thought I was kidding.

Dr. James Wilson: It's funny, I've leaned on friends in the past. Never leaned so far that my tongue fell into their mouth.


"House M.D.: The Mistake (#2.8)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] Your distain for human interaction doesn't exculpate you, it inculpates you!

[last lines]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [motions towards Foreman] Dr. House. Meet your new boss.
Dr. James Wilson: Guess I'm *his* best friend now.


"House M.D.: Que Será Será (#3.6)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
Dr. James Wilson: Or a lump of something else.


"House M.D.: Honeymoon (#1.22)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: Hey, you *have* to treat this like a regular case. Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.
Dr. Gregory House: Please, don't put me on a pedestal.


"House M.D.: Mob Rules (#1.15)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: My car has been stolen.
Dr. James Wilson: [sees expensive car in House's spot] Or rein*car*nated.


"House M.D.: Informed Consent (#3.3)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: Worried about meeting your one-patient-a-week quota?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made.


"House M.D.: Mirror Mirror (#4.5)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after Cuddy's admitted to changing House's vicodin with laxatives] I'm not gonna fire Foreman!
Dr. James Wilson: I said make him *think* he's won. Find some other way to soothe his ego. Thing's big enough. There must be some corner you can polish.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where were you two hours ago?
Dr. James Wilson: [little pause] Where were you?
[cut to House exiting the restroom]


"House M.D.: Babies & Bathwater (#1.18)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: I've got no kids. My marriage sucks. I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech!
Dr. Gregory House: They mattered.


"House M.D.: Needle in a Haystack (#3.13)" (2007)
Dr. Wilson: Ah yes, if it isn't Doctor "Ironside".
Dr. Gregory House: Ah, if it isn't Doctor "I Had No Friends When I Was Growing Up, So All I Did Was Watch TV By Myself, Which Is Why I Can Now Make Constant Pop Culture References Which Nobody Understands But Me".
Dr. Wilson: That's my name... don't wear it out.


"House M.D.: Insensitive (#3.14)" (2007)
Dr. James Wilson: Did you know that the new nurse from Cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the board?
Dr. Gregory House: That guy with eleven fingers?
Dr. James Wilson: He has eleven fingers?
Dr. Gregory House: How do you not notice that?


"House M.D.: The C Word (#8.19)" (2012)
Dr. James Wilson: Go away. I have a headache.
Dr. Gregory House: We don't have to have sex. Sometimes it's nice just to cuddle and talk.


"House M.D.: Who's Your Daddy? (#2.23)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: [referring to House's encounter with Crandall's old girlfriend] And you blew it.
Dr. Gregory House: Technically...
[does reverse motion with hands indicating that she "blew" it]


"House M.D.: Heavy (#1.16)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it'll be more cost-efficient to keep all of them.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
Dr. Gregory House: It will be more cost-efficient once I grab Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase... well, I'll grab his ass too.


"House M.D.: Lockdown (#6.16)" (2010)
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Your dare is in the future, genius!
Dr. James Wilson: Hey, if you're saying you won't do it...
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: No, no, no. Of course, I'll show my breasts to Taub. Uh, Tomorrow, or sometime next year, because I'm honor bound.


"House M.D.: Top Secret (#3.16)" (2007)
Dr. Gregory House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances can bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.
Dr. James Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.


"House M.D.: Maternity (#1.4)" (2004)
Dr. James Wilson: I'm amazed you're still in the same room as a patient.
Dr. Gregory House: People don't bug me until they get teeth.


"House M.D.: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Rebecca Adler: Am I ever going to meet Dr. House?
Dr. James Wilson: Maybe at the theater or the grocery store.
Rebecca Adler: Is he a good man?
Dr. James Wilson: He's a good... doctor.
Rebecca Adler: Can you be one without the other? Don't you have to care about people?
Dr. James Wilson: Caring is a good motivation. He's found something else.


"House M.D.: No Reason (#2.24)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: If you could think of everything yourself, you wouldn't need a team to annoy.


"House M.D.: Risky Business (#8.4)" (2011)
Dr. James Wilson: You know that everyone on that panel hates you. You know, the minute you recommend firing anyone they start discussing how big a bonus to give them.
Dr. Gregory House: That's just hurtful. The fact is, winning $100 from *you* is more pleasureable than winning $100 from her. Here's your five grand.
Dr. James Wilson: What five grand?
Dr. Gregory House: Just take it. Trust me.


"House M.D.: No More Mr. Nice Guy (#4.13)" (2008)
Dr. James Wilson: [to Cuddy about Amber and House] I'm going to piss off one of them, and they *both* scare me!


"House M.D.: Euphoria: Part 2 (#2.21)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: [enters House's office to see House staring intently at his laptop] You're accessing a webcam?
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?


"House M.D.: Two Stories (#7.13)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: Oh grow up. If porn was bad why would there be so many nuns in it?
Dr. James Wilson: Why is she mad?
Dr. Gregory House: I was myself which by the way she's supposed to love unconditionally.


"House M.D.: A Pox on Our House (#7.7)" (2010)
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] You were an idiot for lying to her in the first place. Don't be more of an idiot now. Say nothing to no one about anything - that includes me.


"House M.D.: Three Stories (#1.21)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: [about Stacy] She doesn't *hate* you. She *loves* you. She just... can't... stand to... be around you.


"House M.D.: Help Me (#6.21)" (2010)
Dr. James Wilson: You having fun down there?
Dr. Gregory House: Lots. Every time Cuddy leans over to a patient, it's another opportunity for a down blouse nipple slip.


"House M.D.: Epic Fail (#6.2)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: We *know* you're back on vicodin.
Dr. Gregory House: No, the only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly where I peed.


"House M.D.: Deception (#2.9)" (2005)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Can I talk to you about something in confidence?
Dr. Wilson: Of course.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's about House.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, then, no.


"House M.D.: Baggage (#6.20)" (2010)
Dr. James Wilson: Sam likes you.
Dr. Gregory House: She wants me to move out.
Dr. James Wilson: No. I want you to move out. I didn't know things with Sam would happen so quickly. I didn't - I don't want to make mistakes here. I've made a lot of mistakes.


"House M.D.: Failure to Communicate (#2.10)" (2006)
Dr. Wilson: [Wilson calls House on Stacy's cell phone] Do you know your phone's dead? Do you ever recharge your batteries?
Dr. Gregory House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.


"House M.D.: Poison (#1.8)" (2005)
Dr. Wilson: [Wilson is reading a poem from a patient of House] "The healer with his magic powers / I could rub his gentle brow for hours. / His manly chest, his stubbled jaw, / Everything about him leaves me raw-
Dr. Gregory House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Dr. Wilson: -with joy / Oh, House, your very name / Will never leave this girl the same". It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.


"House M.D.: Broken (#6.1)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: House?
Dr. Gregory House: NO, it's your other friend in the asylum.


"House M.D.: Wilson's Heart (#4.16)" (2008)
Dr. James Wilson: Why aren't you angry?
Dr. Amber Volakis: That is not the last feeling I want to experience.


"House M.D.: Massage Therapy (#7.4)" (2010)
Dr. James Wilson: Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar trade offs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy, go get her a gift and apologize.
Dr. Gregory House: You finally made a good point.
Dr. James Wilson: Which, clearly, you have misunderstood based on how quickly you agreed.
Dr. Gregory House: Your kitchen's burning.


"House M.D.: All In (#2.17)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: Have you read "Moby Dick"?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a book?


"House M.D.: Painless (#5.12)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: Why do women do that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Fail?
Dr. James Wilson: Create ridiculous standard that no human can meet. With your career, your kids. You've got to be more like us me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You mean lazy? Blame others?
Dr. James Wilson: Get help! Most men in your position have a deputy and two assistants at work. And a wife and two nannies at home. You're not superwoman. Don't be a martyr.


"House M.D.: Carrot or Stick (#7.10)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. Problem is Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.
Dr. James Wilson: And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy cares about her, which means when Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. Then, as a boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling.
Dr. James Wilson: Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: "Play date" being their code for "way to weed out the paste sandwiches." They'll hand her puzzles and counting games and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces.
Dr. James Wilson: [House gets a hint and walks away] Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks for the advice.


"House M.D.: Let Them Eat Cake (#5.10)" (2008)
Dr. James Wilson: Don't take his office and pretend like all you're doing is taking his office. You chose his room because you want to be there. But sitting there and hoping doesn't get it done.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Leave here now, or I'll take your office.
Dr. James Wilson: No you won't.
[leaves]


"House M.D.: Living the Dream (#4.14)" (2008)
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson wants a water bed] No, it's the *whole* thing. You need special sheets, and insurance...
Dr. Gregory House: Who cares? You wanted one your whole life. You're a grown up. You can afford it. Stores sell them.
Dr. James Wilson: Most adults don't go through life like you do, House. Indulging our every whim.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't deserve to be happy.
Dr. James Wilson: And yet I am. You?


"House M.D.: Merry Little Christmas (#3.10)" (2006)
Dr. James Wilson: [with his rather one-track mind] How many pills have you taken?
Dr. Gregory House: Not nearly as many as I'm gonna take. Forgotten how delicious they were.


"House M.D.: Office Politics (#7.6)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: I have a problem. A medical problem which could become... I have lied to Cuddy 10,000 times. How do you think she'd feel about 10,001?
Dr. James Wilson: I think you probably already know the answer.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense.
Dr. James Wilson: You don't understand why a woman might be upset because her boyfriend lied to her?
Dr. Gregory House: I wouldn't be lying to her as a boyfriend. I'd be lying as her employee.
Dr. James Wilson: That's not how relationships work.


"House M.D.: Unplanned Parenthood (#7.5)" (2010)
Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. But no big deal. I'll just scream, "Look over there" while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.
Dr. Gregory House: I could offer to babysit again, Let her have the night out.
Dr. James Wilson: Sure. That won't raise any suspicions.