Dr. Lisa Cuddy
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Quotes for
Dr. Lisa Cuddy (Character)
from "House M.D." (2004)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"House M.D.: Alone (#4.1)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where did you come from?
Dr. Gregory House: Apes, if you believe the democrats.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.
Dr. Gregory House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Take the case or you will spend the next month helping the collapse team change bandages.

Dr. Gregory House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So hire a team!
Dr. Gregory House: What for? I don't have a case!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Have you even interviewed anybody?
Dr. Gregory House: You test-drive a car before you buy it, you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Cameron would never have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life and as soon as you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong, and then Chase would have done anything to prove you right. Any one of them would have solved this days ago.
[pause]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hire a team. I don't care how you do it. ... Just do it!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, let's just say your anti-depressant theory does explain the fever. What about the heart? And don't say a building fell on her.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay.
[clears his throat]
Dr. Gregory House: A structure collapsed.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Shut up!
Dr. Gregory House: Come on, it fits.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: 26-year-old female. She was pulled out of the rubble after six hours. Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're wrong.
Dr. Gregory House: Who are you going to believe: a classic toy or a woman who if she had any confidence in her ideas wouldn't feel the need to distract you with a water bra?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: How'd you know it was me?
Dr. Gregory House: There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats.

Dr. Gregory House: Bleeding can start at any time.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's bleeding from five different sites! You think they synchronize their watches?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [walks in on Tech doing test] I thought I sent out a memo not to help House.
Tech: I got it. I got both of them.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [exasperated] And the second memo said to ignore the first one.
Tech: Yeah - I thought that was odd.


"House M.D.: Lines in the Sand (#3.4)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are we stopping here so House doesn't hear us?
Dr. James Wilson: Unless you wanna make out?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [talking about the 17-year-old who has a crush on House] Your girlfriend called the clinic 15 times looking for you today.
Dr. Gregory House: Huh. Lot to discuss. China patterns...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House. She's a stalker.
Dr. Gregory House: Right. Couldn't be that she finds me interesting, attractive. Has to be that she's insane.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's called you 15 times. Your mother's not that interested in you.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, maybe I'd be better adjusted if she was.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm notifying security.
Dr. Gregory House: Is this about the carpet? Do you think I'll back off if you block all my fun?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You better not be having fun.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm having fun. I'm not having sex.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's dangerous.
Dr. Gregory House: She's not dangerous.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's pretty.
Dr. Gregory House: She's pretty.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Men are stupid
Dr. Gregory House: I'm with you so far.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm notifying security.
Dr. Gregory House: Give her a break. She's not dangerous, she's... insightful. You can't stop our love!

Dr. Gregory House: [His 'stalker' has just left, but not before glancing over her shoulder at House and smiling. House turns to Cuddy] After that look, I'm feeling frisky. Looks like you're up.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm ovulating. Let's go.
Dr. Gregory House: The frisky, it went away.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, this isn't a game.
[Starts to walk away]
Dr. Gregory House: If I leave her alone, can I have my carpet back?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: If I give up my carpet, can I have her?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Worried because House hasn't discouraged his teenage stalker] You've seen her *breasts*?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Trying to convince House his stalker hit on her] She has a mole below her right nipple.
Dr. Gregory House: She does not.

[House bursts into Cuddy's office while she's on the phone]
Dr. Gregory House: I want my old carpet back.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [into the phone] Uh, we're gonna have to do this later.
[glares at House]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: A kid in the clinic had an accident.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [hangs up] Generally when people are on the phone...
Dr. Gregory House: I want my old carpet back.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, my blood, which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be burried with it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want, regardless of how stupid it is?
Dr. Gregory House: It's my office. It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people, so they'll give you more money to spend on MRI's and low-cut tops. I want it back the way it was.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's identical to your old carpet. Except without the hazardous biological waste.
Dr. Gregory House: I shall not return to my office until every patented durable micro-fiber has been restored to it's rightful place.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [sarcastic] Inspiring. If you don't want to work in your office, work in the clinic. If you don't want to work in the clinic, go home. And don't get paid.
Dr. Gregory House: [starts hitting his cane loudly against the floor] Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [just stares at House]
Dr. Gregory House: Attica?

Dr. James Wilson: [to Cuddy about House] Don't you think the restraining order's a little too much? He's not actually going to have sex with a seventeen-year-old patient.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I didn't think he was going to ask me to dig a blood-stained carpet out of a dumpster either.
Dr. James Wilson: It might be in the long run.
[stops at the landing at the stairs]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are we stopping here so House doesn't find us?
Dr. James Wilson: Unless you want to make out?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House doesn't have Asperger's. The diagnosis is much simpler. He's a jerk.
Dr. James Wilson: Why do you think he took this case? Because he believes the parents? Because he wants to help a young boy? He sees himself in this kid, and he's trying to help himself... He doesn't want this, he needs it.

Dr. Gregory House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: True; better be true; and you're a pig.

[about Ali]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have sad news for you: She doesn't love you.
Dr. Gregory House: You're ugly when you're jealous.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night, came on to me.
Dr. Gregory House: She's more perfect than I thought.


"House M.D.: 5 to 9 (#6.13)" (2010)
Lucas Douglas: I'm sorry. It's hard to pace yourself when you've been thinking about it for 10 hours straight.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's great. Now I'm late, stressed out and frustrated!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're an idiot. What do you do the next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant?
Dr. Gregory House: Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens.

Dr. James Wilson: You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The situation is out of control enough already. House is the *last* person I want involved.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: While Atlantic Net Insurance has a marketing budget that's more than our Pediatric's ICU and Transplant Units combined, your PGA sponsorship could pay for our Walk-In Clinic. And the money you spend to fuel your two private jets could fund our air ambulance service for the next 3 years.
Tannenbaum: Your point being?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your growth may be good for your bottom line. But ours allows us to save lives. And I would rather not have to announce to the press how selective your company appears to be when it comes to cutting costs.
Tannenbaum: Morgan was right... You are one tough gal... You can portray me as a rich bastard in the press all you want, just as long as I stay rich.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Finding House getting a massage in his office] What?
Dr. Gregory House: Would you rather I go back on vicodin?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's not massaging your leg.
Dr. Gregory House: She will... eventually.

Stan: You bitch.
[Cuddy turns around]
Stan: I didn't think you'd actually do it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I told you I would.
Stan: Call the dogs off.
[Hands her a new contract]
Stan: You got your 12. Congratulations.
[Stan leaves]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: YES!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid!
Dr. Gregory House: Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You would.
Dr. Gregory House: Probably... But then I also wanted to try to cure cancer by infecting a guy with Malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I took care of it.
Dr. Dave Thomas: It's not an "it." It's a "him" you need to take care of. You've got the entire staff catering to his every whim and I can't get approval to hire a replacement for the surgeon he stole from my department. A doctor I only took on in the first place because of pressure from you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So you didn't want Chase, but now you're pissed you can't have him?

Dr. James Wilson: How's it going?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Got 3 hours to save this place from bankruptsy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls.
Dr. James Wilson: Rache's going to be fine. I'm sure whoever he or she is, deserves it. And we're not going backrupt, are we?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't worry the board will fire me before they allow that to happen.
Dr. James Wilson: They'd never fire you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Quietly] I just told Atlantic Net Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump.
Dr. James Wilson: They might fire you.


"House M.D.: Selfish (#7.2)" (2010)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If I confirm it, can we leave?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's true.
[pause. Cuddy gives House a quick kiss]
Dr. James Wilson: I've been more passionate with my great-aunt.
Dr. Gregory House: Mabel? Up high!
[House raises his right hand. Pause. Cuddy grabs the front of House's pants]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We done here?

Dr. Gregory House: This is screwing me up. Why is it not screwing you up?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It is... I don't know why I okayed you foaming that lung. I realized it was wrong as soon as I said it.
Dr. Gregory House: I knew it! I knew cause you tilted your head.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House... we are screwing this up. I'm gonna call HR. Find someone else to supervise you as soon as I can.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: HR can't find you a new supervisor.
Dr. Gregory House: How come?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because you're unsuperviseable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That fight... it was the first honest interaction you and I have had since we came back to work. If we are painfully, brutally honest with each other, maybe we'll get lucky again.
Dr. Gregory House: You've got a big ass.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: France. And not Paris or the Riviera. But there's this place in Normandy. It's on a tidal island. Everyone who's not staying in one of the small inns has to leave before the tide comes in. You have this 900-year-old fortress all to yourself. It's called...
Dr. Gregory House: Mont-Saint-Michel.

Ernest: Now, how would you describe the exact nature of the relationship?
Dr. Gregory House: Have you ever seen Wild Kingdom? Those insects that rip their partners' heads off after copulating.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's a sexual relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: Go slowly now. He's writing it down.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I believe that I can still supervise Dr. House effectively, but we both want to follow hospital policy to the letter.
Ernest: Our concern is to make sure that there's no conflict of interest, no liability for the hospital...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think we're gonna sue if things go south?
Dr. Gregory House: Let me tell you, she actually does go...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House. Let him talk.

Ernest: Are there any supervisory issues with Dr. House's current caseload?
Dr. Gregory House: Nope. Current case is solved. Patient has long QT, we're gonna scare her into a cardiac arrest to confirm.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, we're not.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay. No, we're not. See? Everything is under control.

Dr. Gregory House: She's bleeding to death, out of her lung. I want to fill a quarter of it with foam. That'd stop the bleeding, all right. Thought it made more sense than diet and exercise. And if she doesn't have enough lung function left, you'll have killed her. The only alternative is slowly suturing the lung, hoping the bleeding stops in time and she doesn't die on her own. But we would walk away with clean hands. Except for all the blood.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're right. Faster and riskier is better. Foam the lung.
Dr. Robert Chase: You got a green light?
Dr. Gregory House: No. Suture the lung.


"House M.D.: Finding Judas (#3.9)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: [yells] I need more pills!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No! You are on a reasonable...
Dr. Gregory House: What the hell does "reasonable" mean?
[Alice's heart rate and blood pressure go up and her monitor beeps]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Keep it quiet. Her BP reacts to stress and yelling is not go...
Dr. Gregory House: You think that I'm not in pain, then don't give me anything. Keep me away from the aspirin. If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Fine, you need more pills! You're not getting them. You can have the aspirin you want.
[House walks out of the room]
Dr. Eric Foreman: I say we draw straws. Loser drives out to Trenton, scores him an 8-ball.

Dr. Gregory House: Where's my prescription?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No more free-flowing prescriptions. Princeton PD has already forced Wilson to shut down.
Dr. Gregory House: A cop says, "Boo," Wilson shuts down.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Every doctor in this place is afraid to make a move without covering his ass.
Dr. Gregory House: You think maybe you're shouting at the wrong person? Tritter's obviously out to get me. He doesn't care...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You forged prescriptions!
Dr. Gregory House: Allegedly.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your pain has become my pain. From now on, you get reasonable doses at reasonable times.
Dr. Gregory House: But I hurt in an unreasonable way.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Then dip into your secret stash.
Dr. Gregory House: Tritter took it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Then move on to your secret-secret stash.
Dr. Gregory House: I ran out.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Then move on to your secret-secret-secret stash!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Tritter] My head of Oncology had to shut down. My entire staff are afraid to make a move without covering their ass.
Michael Tritter: I think you're angry at the wrong person.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think Dr. Wilson deserved to have his assets seized? His entire practice ruined?
Michael Tritter: No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So, you just don't care?
Michael Tritter: This is how I get what I want. I put pressure... on people, and if it doesn't work on Wilson, it'll work on you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You punish the innocent.
Michael Tritter: None of you are innocent. Not one of you, not one of you has told me the truth about Dr. House.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The pills allow him to cope with the pain.
Michael Tritter: No, the pills distort reality. He's an addict.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He's not out robbing a liquor store or...
Michael Tritter: Look, he's treating people. He needs to find a different way to cope before he kills somebody, if he hasn't done that already.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you're right, he has a medical problem. It should be dealt with by doctors, not by the...!
Michael Tritter: Well, it's not being dealt with by doctors. Doctors are covering it up. The whole point of the criminal justice system is to make things right when everything else fails. With all due respect, you have failed.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy is in her office, crying. Wilson comes in] I'm busy.
Dr. Wilson: You okay?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Wilson: Um, what I mean by "Are you okay?" is "What the hell did House do?"
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Nothing.
Dr. Wilson: What did he say?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I've seen House been rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can.
Dr. Wilson: Seriously? What did he say?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [sighs] Nothing. Doesn't matter.
Dr. Wilson: Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get it to you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: People think that House has no inner censor. The fact is he holds himself back because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick.
[sniffs]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have been trying to get pregnant and House knew. He told me I was a failure as a mother.
Dr. Wilson: And you're upset because you think he's right?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have had three separate implantations: the first two never took, the last one I... lost.
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those were physical events.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: A little girl is scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing.
Dr. Wilson: That's normal, that's...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I didn't hug her. I didn't even... reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.
Dr. Wilson: She needed reassurance.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I told her her folks might get back together.
[laughs wrily]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes.
[voice breaking]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to...
Dr. Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[sighs]
Dr. Wilson: Well, I see what you mean about House poking the right spot.

Dr. Gregory House: [of an infrared pointer] This baby won me second place in the Clinic's weekly "weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice" contest.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am this close to putting a new lab in oncology.
Dr. Gregory House: You do not want to know what came in first.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House...
Dr. Gregory House: Rhymes with "fucchini."

Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Bigger.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We are gonna use this machine to clean your blood. It goes out of you and through the filter like the filter in a fish tank.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So it's kinda cool actually.


"House M.D.: After Hours (#7.22)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why wasn't 9-1-1 on the list?
Dr. Gregory House: It's not an emergency.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Right. Are you suicidal?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't blame our break up for this. You're not unhappy because of me. You just unhappy. Unhappy people do reckless things.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You already signed a release. He's gonna do what he needs to do.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, and if that involves chopping off my leg - I want to be damn sure it's necessary.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House...
Dr. Gregory House: I don't trust him. I trust *you*.

Rachel Cuddy: What happened to your leg?
Dr. Gregory House: I was trying to make it better.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He was being reckless. Sit back, honey.

Dr. Gregory House: There are no cars coming, just go.
Rachel Cuddy: The light is red, you bloody scallywag.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Stop with the pirate talk.
Dr. Gregory House: If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, you should get your ma to move this ship, ye mangy bilge rat.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Of course. You showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a 3-year-old watch that?
Dr. Gregory House: If you wanna lecture me on my poor judgment, there would seem to be more relevant examples.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your heart rate's over 120. You're clammy. I think you're going into shock. Are you lightheaded?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm fine. Did you see the new Brownbeard episode?
Rachel Cuddy: It was so funny.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it was so lame. A boat full of guy pirates and they make the girl pirate walk the plank.
Rachel Cuddy: She floated.
Dr. Gregory House: That's 'cause she had big boobies. That's why he should've kept her.

Rachel Cuddy: Is he going to be okay?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He'll be fine. Close your eyes.
Rachel Cuddy: I wish House still came over to play.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, maybe you should write him a letter. Wanna do that? Okay, let's do it.


"House M.D.: Dying Changes Everything (#5.1)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You are not listening to me, are you?
Dr. Gregory House: Try it sometime - you'll see why.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about Wilson] Tell him you're sorry.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't kill her!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You were drunk and...
Dr. Gregory House: ...yeah! If her daddy hadn't been drunk she might've never been born so...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You called her up in the middle of the night. She was on the bus because of you.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't ask her to come out. I wasn't driving the bus. I wasn't driving the garbage truck that hit the bus. And I did not prescribe her the flu meds that killed her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes, I know. That's all true but...
[realizes that House is still senseless]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You really don't feel any sense of guilt?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after House opens his door] Mind if I come in?
Dr. Gregory House: Not at all. Mind if I leave?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Talk to each other.
Dr. Gregory House: How are you doing? Good?
Dr. James Wilson: Fine, thanks.
[they both get up to leave]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Eh, eh, eh, eh, sit!
[they both sit back]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...
Dr. Gregory House: ...think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel about what he's doing.
Dr. Gregory House: I told him he's an idiot.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
Dr. Gregory House: I think he's an idiot.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're an idiot. He's in pain, and your response is just to emotionally blackmail him!
Dr. Gregory House: You told me what's your position on this one. You're against it, right?
Dr. James Wilson: She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson] Go to hell!
Dr. Gregory House: So much for that theory.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you think Wilson's leaving?
Dr. Gregory House: How many times do I have to use the word "idiot"?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about Wilson] When was the last time you talked to him?
Dr. Gregory House: I think it was after... when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. Considered being a horrendous pain in the ass but I didn't want to step on your turf.

Dr. Eric Foreman: We just got a call from Patty Mishner from Women's Majority, the women's rights...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We know who she is.
Dr. Gregory House: I dated her. Well not really dated her - more metaphorically raped her by having a penis.
[to Foreman]
Dr. Gregory House: You did, too.


"House M.D.: Bombshells (#7.15)" (2011)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [as Cuddy is about to be examined] You really don't have to be here.
Dr. Gregory House: You're my girlfriend. I'm being supportive.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm mainly talking about *them*.
[Cut to House's team]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about House's team] Get them out of here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
Dr. Gregory House: But it is good time adjacent.

Lucinda: It's not even a question. Of course, I'll be Rachel's guardian. And House is cool with this? I mean you guys...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We've only been together a few months.
Lucinda: Hmm. Seems like longer. Probably because you've been talking about him for 10 years. And by talking I mean ranting about wanting to smash his teeth in with a stapler.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...People change.

Dr. Gregory House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Make it two.
Dr. Gregory House: Bitch.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You don't take vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain... Pain happens when you care. Y-you can't love someone without opening up to their problems - their fears. You're not willing to do that.
Dr. Gregory House: I-I-I came to be with you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You weren't with me. Not really.
Dr. Gregory House: I wanted to be.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's not enough.
Dr. Gregory House: I can do better.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else because that's who you are... I'm sorry.
Dr. Gregory House: No. No. No. No. Don't.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I thought I could do this.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't. Please, don't.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...Goodbye, House.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [wakes up, looking for House] House?
[someone holds her ankle]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, my God! What the hell?
Dr. Gregory House: [appears from under the bed] Gotcha.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap out of me?
Dr. Gregory House: Set an alarm and everything.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's like dating a 10-year-old.
Dr. Gregory House: God, I hope not... Now that we're down here...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hold that thought.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have to pee.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll wait. I brought a book. Didn't know what time your alarm was set for.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [from bathroom] House?
Dr. Gregory House: You know, you could rent this space out down here. In Japan, that would be like a deluxe...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, shut up. There's blood in my urine.


"House M.D.: Help Me (#6.21)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: So I hope I didn't weird you out with giving you that gift.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Can we talk about this later?
Dr. Gregory House: Of course... Is now later?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I opened it, I didn't think it was a house warming gift. I thought it... was an engagement present... It just happened last night.
Dr. Gregory House: No wonder you wanted to hide this from me. Since I'm such a delicate flower.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want to dose the insulin here, in a non-hospital setting? That is insane! It's not worth it.
Dr. Gregory House: Really? 'Cause I think I'm the only one here who knows what a leg is worth. Fortunately *you're* not the one in charge.
[looks at the Fire Captain]
Dr. Gregory House: And he know that I'd testify against him if Hanna sues for cutting a leg without exhausting every option.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tip toe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I ended it.
Dr. Gregory House: What?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm stuck House.
[Cuddy sighs]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I keep wanting to move forward. I keep - wanting to move on, and I can't. I mean, my new house, and my new fiancee and all I can think about is you. I just need to know if you and I can work.
Dr. Gregory House: You think I can fix myself?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't know.
Dr. Gregory House: 'Cause I'm the most screwed up person in the world.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I know. I love you. I wish I didn't but I can't help it.

[last lines]
Dr. Gregory House: How do I know I'm not hallucinating?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Did you take the Vicodin?
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Then I think we're okay.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah.


"House M.D.: Now What? (#7.1)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: So that's it?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm hoping this is the beginning of it.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Don't do this. Why do you have to analyze things to death? Why can't you just... let it be nice?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why would I be doing all this if I wanted to be private?
[Long pause. Cuddy sighs]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh. I never even asked. Maybe you're not ready yet.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I really do have to leave.
Dr. Gregory House: I know.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...What's the problem?
Dr. Gregory House: This isn't gonna work.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always gonna be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always gonna be the most incredible man I have ever known. So unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.
Dr. Gregory House: I love you.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It sounds like someone's trying to break in.
Dr. Gregory House: [takes a sword] It's probably nothing. Stay here.
[goes out of bedroom]
Dr. James Wilson: [stuck in window] Hey.
Dr. Gregory House: Stuck? Bummer. Looks painful. Chamomile or English Breakfast?
Dr. James Wilson: Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here?
Dr. Gregory House: You didn't get my message earlier?
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, but as someone once told me, everybody lies.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm fine. Just staying home, chillaxing.
Dr. James Wilson: Your patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door. I don't think you're fine. I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year.
Dr. Gregory House: Or, I'm ignoring you for a different reason. Sex with my girlfriend.
Dr. James Wilson: Hmm. Will you please just... Please let me in.
[House helps him in]
Dr. James Wilson: Thank you. And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends?
Dr. Gregory House: She's not a hooker.


"House M.D.: Let Them Eat Cake (#5.10)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Any idea why we're getting half as many cases for you as usual?
Dr. Gregory House: Democrat's health care plan.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's it? You're not going to argue why this case is beneath you.
Dr. Gregory House: No point. I'm in an elevator, I can't run away.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't run away any way.
Dr. Gregory House: That's just mean.

Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy as she's using the phone] Have you seen my balls?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to the phone] Can you hold on a second.
Dr. Gregory House: My balls, have you seen my balls. Giant one, red one.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to the phone] I'm gonna call you back from my cell.
[hangs up the receiver]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Then I will come back in here.
[to her cellphone as she's passing House]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hey, I just had to explain to him that I have his balls and he's not getting them back.

Dr. James Wilson: Don't take his office and pretend like all you're doing is taking his office. You chose his room because you want to be there. But sitting there and hoping doesn't get it done.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Leave here now, or I'll take your office.
Dr. James Wilson: No you won't.
[leaves]

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: What's Cuddy doing in your office?
Dr. Gregory House: Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: These walls aren't soundproof.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm well aware.


"House M.D.: Moving On (#7.23)" (2011)
Officer Soltes: Was there any indication that something would happen?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah. Every moment I was with him. I was always waiting for something to happen... But this?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you asking me to file charges? Just give me the paperwork. If Greg House steps foot in my hospital, or comes anywhere near me - I want him thrown in jail!

Dr. Gregory House: All we've done is fight.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No. All you've done is pull pranks or have temper tantrums with Wilson - never me! Marry mail order prostitutes. Make me go to your wedding.
Dr. Gregory House: Dominka is a licensed sethetician.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: YOU CUT OPEN YOUR OWN LEG!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] I know one conversation isn't going to solve everything... but it's a start.
[the curtain opens revealing Foreman]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's a privacy curtain!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Wasn't working.

Dr. Gregory House: You want to know how I feel?... I feel hurt.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I know... I'm sorry

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We should talk about your leg.
Dr. Gregory House: You think I have unresolved issues, and you are the unresolved issues.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes.
[pause]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: But I think it's more than that. Your life, your choices...
Dr. Gregory House: I did it to fix my life. No, wait. No, I did it because I am a deeply unhappy person. No, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you. Or I was over you and I was moving on. I did it because I wanna know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I wanna feel more pain.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. Good lunch.


"House M.D.: Sleeping Dogs Lie (#2.18)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [finds House sleeping] You've seen one patient in the last two hours.
Dr. Gregory House: Complicated case. I'm a night owl - Wilson's an early bird. We're different species.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Move him into his own cage.
Dr. Gregory House: Who'll clean the droppings from mine?

Dr. Gregory House: I need a little help.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Inexplicable rash on a patient's scrotum you need me to look at?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She took pills to sleep, not to kill herself.
Dr. Gregory House: Clever alibi.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Lovely. Revenge as motive for success.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, it doesn't have to be motive. But it sure tastes good.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't even want to begin to imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if I shot a live person there would be more paperwork.


"House M.D.: Family Practice (#7.11)" (2011)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Which other symptoms, mom?
Arlene: No her fault. This Dean of Medicine stuff, very impressive at parties, but she's forgotten how to be a real doctor. It's all in my file.
Dr. Gregory House: There are 15 years of clinic visits in this file.
Arlene: I don't want to be a bother, but isn't that what you do for a living?

Dr. Gregory House: Just some stuff that can cause sever naseau, and permanent erctile disfunction. And which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, some contractor named Jesus, which granted, was originally a Jewish name.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Go mom.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after switching her mother's meds] Something like that comes up again - just - do what you need to do.
Dr. Gregory House: Want me to keep you out of it?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah. I am being a coward. Which is why doctors shouldn't treat their own family. Congratulations, you were right as usual.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Arlene] You see something in my that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you. A type of ambition. A type of brains. That's why you made me yearbook editor, Suma undergrad, A.O.A. in Med School. The only time I see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgement. So here it is: if you travel to Princeton General, you'll be treated well and you'll die. If you stay here - with House- you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of ever ambulance in this bay, mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital!

Arlene: If you're so great, how come you're not running your department anymore?
Dr. Gregory House: What are you talking about, Mom?
Arlene: That's what he told me.
Dr. Gregory House: Two days ago? I said that I didn't have a department to run? I was being sarcastic.
Arlene: No, you weren't.
Dr. Gregory House: Right, because people who are talking can't tell if they're being sarcastic.
Arlene: That doesn't make any sense.
Dr. Gregory House: Of course they can. But you weren't... I love A-Rod. He's so modest and I highly respect the paintings he has of himself as a centaur. Question. Do I like A-Rod?
Arlene: Yes. Whoever he is.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She can't recognize sarcasm?
Dr. Gregory House: Deficit in the right parahippocampal gyrus, which means CNS involvement before the fever. I was wrong about the endocarditis.


"House M.D.: Joy (#5.6)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you have to negate everything?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's not a crack baby.
Dr. Gregory House: No, mother's perfectly healthy. She just had to give up the baby in order to continue her work on the human genome.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She confessed to some past meth use.
Dr. Gregory House: What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting. This is a mistake.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because a kid you don't know may have some problems you don't know about that she may have passed on to a kid?
Dr. Gregory House: Because you're a control seeking narcissist. Which is fine, good even in some jobs. But you're not equipped to handle a real kid, never mind a factory second. Where are you meeting her?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: In a little place called "Follow me and your urologist will be buying himself a new yacht."

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Stop pressuring her.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. Daddy's perfectly healthy, but we want you to give him a kidney anyway because it'd be cool if he had three.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you even care? It's not like I'm ever going to ask you to babysit.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm a humanitarian.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thirty-seven-year-old male with recurring blackouts.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.


"House M.D.: Ugly (#4.7)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where are you going?
Dr. Gregory House: To do what I always do it these situations: treat my patient behind his back.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House. Do you have a minute to be disemboweled?

Dr. Gregory House: On the other hand, cameras make people act. Sometimes like human beings, sometimes just weird. Sometimes, they wear open-tip bras.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [defensively] It's cold in here.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: A little part of me...
Dr. Gregory House: There is no little part of you.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think I like the cameras?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?
Dr. Gregory House: Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?


"House M.D.: Humpty Dumpty (#2.3)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you being *intentionally* dense?
Dr. Gregory House: Huh?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Maybe we were right to begin with: his problems are all caused by DIC precipitated by falling off of my roof.
Dr. Robert Chase: DIC wouldn't cause a fever this high.
Dr. Gregory House: See. My lapdog agrees with me.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: All this from falling off my roof...
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, if only he'd fallen on his head, then he wouldn't have any of these symptoms.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He loses that hand, he loses his job. All of his jobs! He's not like us!
Dr. Gregory House: He can't work as a cripple.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He loses his home, his kid brother drops out...
Dr. Gregory House: American dream destroyed. Very sad, very emotional. Not one medical fact in the whole pathetic tale. You've lost perspective, Cuddy. You've stopped looking at this as a doctor. You're acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing's ever right.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He has Streptobacillus.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Rat Bite Fever.
Dr. Gregory House: Boogie-oogie-oogie.


"House M.D.: House's Head (#4.15)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [trying to get Thirteen to open the door] Dr. Hadley!
Dr. Gregory House: See? She doesn't even know your name.

Dr. Gregory House: [after Cuddy stops stripping in his dream] Dance woman!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You'd rather be diagnosing.
Dr. Gregory House: I screamed "*no*!"
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And your own subconscious ignored you. Because you'd rather fantasize about symptoms. How screwed up is that?

Dr. Gregory House: Hey!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [groggily] Go away!
Dr. Gregory House: It's not over. I saved the *wrong* person!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after House locks most ot the team out of a room] I didn't bring you back so you stage a coup!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you *crazy*? Alzheimer drugs will make your brain go into overdrive!
Dr. Gregory House: That's the point. It'll speed up my neuronal firing, turn up the voltage on my memory.
Dr. James Wilson: And blow out your heart. How many did you take?
Dr. Gregory House: Just now or including the ones I took on the ride over?


"House M.D.: Painless (#5.12)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House and his team] If anyone should be able to handle a depressed patient...
Dr. Chris Taub: He insisted he was no longer...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Apparently he *lied*.
[Looking at House]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Didn't think I'd have to remind you of that remote possibility.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Do not try and force me to choose between my child...
Dr. Gregory House: I'm forcing you to do your job!

Dr. James Wilson: Why do women do that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Fail?
Dr. James Wilson: Create ridiculous standard that no human can meet. With your career, your kids. You've got to be more like us me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You mean lazy? Blame others?
Dr. James Wilson: Get help! Most men in your position have a deputy and two assistants at work. And a wife and two nannies at home. You're not superwoman. Don't be a martyr.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You offered to do House's budget because you wanted him to owe you. Wanted him to take that case. Why?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Thought it would help house. Seeing someone worse off than him, possibly curing a guy with even less to look forward to.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Can I ask you something?... How would you like my job?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, I've got a DCFS home visit on Friday.
Dr. Gregory House: And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on...


"House M.D.: Cane and Able (#3.2)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you did your morning run, and showered at home, you'd be later than usual.
Dr. Gregory House: [Turns back and yells] I thought of you in the shower.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's going on with the leg?
Dr. Gregory House: First, tell me what's going on with the boobs.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you're feeling pain...
Dr. Gregory House: They're firmer...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's called an underwire. I wanna get a pet scan of your brain.
Dr. Gregory House: I think it's hormones.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: As long as there's no increased activity in the thalmus...
Dr. Gregory House: Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business...

Dr. Gregory House: You've been overly supportive this entire week. Either you're hormonal or you're guilt-ridden. It's too early in the pregnancy for this to be hormonal.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm not pregnant!
Dr. Gregory House: Then what did you do wrong?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He had Addisons. Your last patient. You were right. I gave him one shot of cortisol and he woke up like Rip Van Winkle.
Dr. Gregory House: [Smiles a little and leans over to Cuddy's tummy] Oh, your Mommy's in such trouble. She's such a liar! That's why you don't have a Daddy!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Gregory House: My leg doesn't hurt.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're in denial.
Dr. Gregory House: No I'm not!
[pauses]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, you got me!

Dr. Allison Cameron: [after finding out Cuddy lied to House about his last patient] It's completely unethical.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He was reckless with a patient.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He was right.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: But he didn't know that. He needs at least some glimmer of humility.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why does he need that? Because other people have that? Why does he need to be like other people?


"House M.D.: The Softer Side (#5.16)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: You slept with House. He asked permission before taking my bagel. Took the case without a fight. Honored the parents request for an MRI.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes, those were my terms for sleeping with him.
Dr. James Wilson: He's in a good mood.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Sex with me would explain that. But it doesn't explain why I'm not curled up in a ball weeping in shame. I did not sleep with House.
Dr. James Wilson: If you two aren't keeping something from me. That means *he's* keeping something from both of us. That can't be good.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where are you going?
Dr. Gregory House: Nowhere. Staying right here so we can properly discuss this.
[House leaves his office]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I can't sit by and watch you kill yourself. As long as you're in my hospital, you can't do methadone!
Dr. Gregory House: ...I'll send for my stuff.
[Starts to walk away]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's it? You're quitting? You're choosing methadone over this job?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm choosing lack of pain over this job.

Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy, he's happy.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House doesn't do happy. Pain or no pain.
Dr. James Wilson: Okay, maybe... But he's our friend. And this is his one chance to not be miserable.

Dr. Gregory House: I created a case. I played nice because I was in a good mood. Because I didn't hurt.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You don't need your pain to be a good doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not interested in good.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're afraid to be happy.
Dr. Gregory House: Why do you care if I'm happy?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Long pause] You're afraid to change. The one thing you have is your intellect. You think if that's compromised, you have nothing.
[Offering House some methadone]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Just take it.
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't do this.
Dr. Gregory House: [Tosses the methadone in the trash] It's already done. This is the only me you get.


"House M.D.: Office Politics (#7.6)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out her time before med school getting PHds in both applied Math and Art History.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She'll be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's that smell? Onions? Peppers? Oh, I know. It's a sausage-fest.
Dr. Gregory House: Sausage-fest implies multiples. Now if you're talking yardage, I'd have to agree.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm talking about your department. You still haven't replaced Thirteen.
Dr. Gregory House: It's coming along.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You've had plenty of time to find someone.
Dr. Gregory House: I've found plenty of someones, just haven't kept them.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's time to end the cycle. Meet your new team member. Her name is Martha M. Masters.
Dr. Gregory House: This doctor is not a doctor.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out the time before med school getting PhDs in both applied math and art history.
Dr. Gregory House: Should be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: This isn't a suggestion.
Dr. Gregory House: Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No. I get to do that because I'm your boss.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300.
Dr. Gregory House: That's also true of five morons.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: There was a time when you would have completely ignored my request. It means a lot that you respect me enough to do this.
Dr. Gregory House: I've come a long way, baby.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Now if you would only hire a new team member...
Dr. Gregory House: I'm on it.

Nurse Regina: Do you know where the Senator's records are?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House was treating Anderson's campaign manager, not the Senator himself.
Nurse Regina: Oh.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why did you think he was a patient?
Nurse Regina: House saw him in the clinic. I guess it wasn't medical.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When?
Nurse Regina: Friday, around 3:00.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House's team ran a Hep C test on Joe Dugan on Friday. Can you look up the time?
Nurse Regina: Chase, Taub and Foreman were running tests all night. All negative. Positive test at 3:17 p.m. House ran it himself. Is everything okay?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't think so.


"House M.D.: Mirror Mirror (#4.5)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after Cuddy's admitted to changing House's vicodin with laxatives] I'm not gonna fire Foreman!
Dr. James Wilson: I said make him *think* he's won. Find some other way to soothe his ego. Thing's big enough. There must be some corner you can polish.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where were you two hours ago?
Dr. James Wilson: [little pause] Where were you?
[cut to House exiting the restroom]

Dr. Gregory House: War's not over until Foreman's gone!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Foreman's NOT going anywhere!
Dr. Gregory House: ...And I know when my Vicodin's not Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him *now*. I can fire him *tomorrow*! I don't even need a reason!
Dr. Gregory House: She doesn't fire me! She will *never* fire me! She needs me!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He's a good doctor. That's all I respect, his expertise and I...
Dr. Gregory House: She's hot for me. Always...
James: SHUT UP!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well that could have been either of us.
James: You have great ya-boos.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Still could have been either of us.
Dr. Gregory House: You lose.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your team is dealing with the Great Mayonnaise Panic of 2007. I'm worried it might spread to other continents.


"House M.D.: Out of the Chute (#7.16)" (2011)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House - everytime I needed him to step up - he's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.

Martha Masters: It wasn't *that* ridiculous a theory.
Dr. Gregory House: Great theory. It's a ridiculous test. You can't give a standard balance test to a champion bull rider. If you're gonna test Superman's strength, you need a bigger bar bell. Find one, make him lift it. Then call me and tell me how high it got... And tell Cuddy spying is for cowards.
[Ends the call]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Just keep me posted.
Dr. Eric Foreman, Dr. Robert Chase: I will.

Dr. James Wilson: You're going to have to talk to him eventually... he needs you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I love him. And I know he loves me, but I just can't...
Dr. James Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he *needs* you, without you...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't go backwards! I can't fix his problem. I *am* his problem.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You didn't expect me to say yes to rupturing his aorta, did you?
Dr. Gregory House: Since I didn't ask, I wasn't expecting you to say anything at all.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You have no reason to believe this will save his life.
Dr. Gregory House: Really? No reason. None at all. I'm just planning on cracking open his chest, blowing up his heart, what, to pad his bill? Or you think that since you broke my heart I want to break his?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...I don't know. I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you, fill a void. And it's affecting your judgment.
Dr. Gregory House: You're right, I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor in this hospital. And my team is going to do this procedure and save his life. So, you can either have security arrest me and my team, or you can get the hell out of my way... And she caves.


"House M.D.: Fetal Position (#3.17)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have a whole new appreciation for what you do. How hard it is to believe when everyone around you is telling you that you're wrong.
Dr. Gregory House: It helps to know they're idiots.

[House becomes entranced while performing open fetal surgery and the fetus' hand emerges and grasps his fingers]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House?
Dr. Gregory House: [snaps out of it] Sorry. I just remembered I forgot to Tivo Alien.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Did you give cortical steroids to speed the baby's lung development?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development. I'm trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Step away House, I'm going again.
Dr. Gregory House: The only way to save her is to cut away the anchor!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You keep going, you're going to get electrocuted!


"House M.D.: Skin Deep (#2.13)" (2006)
Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House - this is God.
Dr. Gregory House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now; not supposed to talk during these things - got time Thursday?
Dr. Wilson: Let me check - ohh, I got a plague! What about Friday?
Dr. Gregory House: You'll have to check with Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm going to come up with a new answer *this* time!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [enters MRI room] House!
Dr. Gregory House: Quick, God! Smite the evil witch!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [hands folder of House's latest patient out to him] Teenage supermodel. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy...
Dr. Gregory House: [yanks folder out of her hands] You had me at "teenage supermodel".

Dr. Gregory House: [enters Cuddy's office] I need a favor.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm not exactly in a giving mood.
Dr. Gregory House: It'll help us both. I need a shot of morphine in my spine.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If your leg hurts, take your Vicodin.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not enough. Get a syringe.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Morphine is extreme. Even for you.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Read that on the insert.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Get one of your lackeys to do it.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't want them knowing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That you're on the road to becoming a junkie?
Dr. Gregory House: That I'm in this much pain. I don't want them questioning my judgment. I can't ask Wilson because he figures it's all in my head.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, I agree with him. I'm going home.
[Cuddy starts to leave office]
Dr. Gregory House: [begins lowering his trousers] Well, what about this?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [looking mildly shocked] What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: [reveals the severe scarring and muscle damage on thigh] Is *this* in my head?
[voice breaks in despair]
Dr. Gregory House: Because I could swear I remember a thigh muscle being here!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [expression changes from shock to sympathy] I'll get a syringe.

Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House - this is God.
Dr. Gregory House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now; not supposed to talk during these things - got time Thursday?
Dr. Wilson: Let me check - ohh, I gotta plague! What about Friday?
Dr. Gregory House: You'll have to talk to Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, dammit! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm going to come up with a *new* answer this time!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [enters MRI room] House!
Dr. Gregory House: Quick, God! Smite the evil witch!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
Dr. Gregory House: God, why have you forsaken me?


"House M.D.: One Day, One Room (#3.12)" (2007)
Dr. Gregory House: [enters Cuddy's office] I need someone to cover a patient.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House ...
Dr. Gregory House: She was raped! ... Still think I'm the doctor for her?

Dr. Gregory House: [Handing a folder to the nurse's station] Make a note drug-seeking-behavior.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Morphine?
Dr. Gregory House: No. Anal-digital-stimulation.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'll pay you $10 for every patient you diagnose without touching. You pay me $10 for every one you have to touch.
Dr. Gregory House: You're making this a game for me. From which I can only conclude this isn't a game for you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Why? You think if I deal with enough people I'll find some humanity?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...Yes.

Dr. Gregory House: You gotta get me out of this. There's nothing to diagnose. There's nothing...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You only tested her for STDs?
Dr. Gregory House: I have seven morons who forgot their raincoats. It's all they asked for, so I didn't waste the lab's time, why?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I wasted their time. She's pregnant.


"House M.D.: Airborne (#3.18)" (2007)
Dr. Gregory House: [to a parent about her crying daughter] Give her 20 milligrams of anti-histamine. It could save her life. Because if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [looking up exasperated] Bringing goodwill to yet another continent.

Dr. Gregory House: Condoms. He has focal limb paralysis.
12 year old boy: His legs got paralyzed by a condom?
Dr. Gregory House: No, by cocaine. Was inside the condom, is now spreading through his digestive tract.
Sour Faced Woman: [doesn't like the graphic description] Eww.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think he's a mule.
Dr. Gregory House: I think he's a jackass. We're gonna have to operate.
12 year old boy: [enthused] Cool.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And the room service thing was just spiteful.
Dr. Gregory House: I was hungry.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: $300 for a bottle of wine.
Dr. Gregory House: I was thirsty.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: $120 for video services.
Dr. Gregory House: I was lonely.

Dr. Gregory House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I assumed you did.
Dr. Gregory House: I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I just don't think that's gonna help.


"House M.D.: Small Sacrifices (#7.8)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not apologizing for doing the right thing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Lying to me was not the right thing. Puncture wounds are from a crucifixion.
Dr. Gregory House: I lied to save my patient's life. I didn't lie to you. I lied to my boss. Either of those arguments working yet?
[Cuddy walks away]
Dr. Gregory House: I guess that means that I don't have to go to the wedding on Saturday.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The hospital's Chairman of the Board? I'm not gonna stand him up, and neither are you!

Dr. Gregory House: She's got looks. He's got money. One of them's bound to run out.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I give it... 19 months.
Dr. Gregory House: That's very specific.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No fault divorce in New Jersey requires couples to live at least 18 months apart. I'm actually only giving it a few weeks.
Dr. Gregory House: I thought I was supposed to be the dark one.

Dr. Gregory House: You were married before - 1987 for six days. Your knowledge of New Jersey divorce law made me suspicious, so I looked it up.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So this was all your trap.
Dr. Gregory House: Uh, trap's primitive. I prefer "inveiglement." Anyway, the point is, I lied to you. You lied to me. I forgive you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...Well played.

Dr. Gregory House: I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's... fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thank you.


"House M.D.: Simple Explanation (#5.20)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to the entire team] I'm sorry. I've hired a grief counselor which I'm sure none of you will see. And I'm offering time off which I'm sure none of you will take, but it's available.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm sorry for your loss.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not my loss.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm sorry you don't think it is.

Dr. Gregory House: Did you let me hire a pervert?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well it would be hypocritical of me not to.
Dr. Gregory House: Kutner's police background check from when he started. He was charged with indecent exposure.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Kutner streaked at the Penn-Dartmouth football game. Precisely the kind of thing you'd expect him to do. It's okay. You should be upset. He thought like you. Pushed boundaries like you. He...
Dr. Gregory House: Not like me. He would have known that - living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it.

Dr. James Wilson: I can't deal with this and House.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You need a friend too.
Dr. James Wilson: You don't give a crap what I need! You just want someone to take care of him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...He told Kutner's parents it was their fault.


"House M.D.: Autopsy (#2.2)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: I'm taking a sick day.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Take some Claritin.
Dr. Gregory House: Everyone's a doctor suddenly.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about Andie] You're actually talking about killing her.
Dr. Gregory House: Just for a little while. I'll bring her right back.

Dr. Gregory House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you high?
Dr. Gregory House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's Wednesday.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Balls are in your court, Doctor.


"House M.D.: Massage Therapy (#7.4)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: Why would I give up one who definitely works, for one who *might* work?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because I asked you to.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, that's not really an argument, now, is it?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I won't see you until you stop seeing her.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Except I didn't used to have sex with him, you idiot! Plus he was a *gay* hooker!
Dr. Gregory House: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a straight male hooker?

Dr. Gregory House: You won't let me sleep over. You basically haven't introduced me to your daughter.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: But do you want to spend time with her?
Dr. Gregory House: Honestly, before this I'd have said no. But... yeah. How are we ever going to be a couple if you keep hiding her from me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, I need to protect her. I let you into her life, and you go away...
Dr. Gregory House: Then call it what it is. I'm not the only one who's holding back.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was just wondering... Your masseuse?
Dr. Gregory House: Brandi.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm sure I'm imagining this, although not as sure now that I know her name, but she seems a little... How do I say this? I don't know. A bit slutty.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, she is a hooker. If she's not slutty, she's doing something wrong.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What? Did you have sex with her?
Dr. Gregory House: Yesterday? Ah! You're getting confused by the hooker thing. No, of course not. I'm dating you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: But you used to have sex with her?
Dr. Gregory House: Well. it was a massage-plus-happy-ending sort of thing. Now it's more of a sad ending. Because of you. I've tried 15 different massage therapists in the last few years. I don't know why, but she's the best I've found. She makes my leg feel better.


"House M.D.: The Jerk (#3.23)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You killed Foreman's job interview.
Dr. James Wilson: Why would I...?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Somebody did. Wasn't me and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House which means it has to be someone who actually likes House, which means it's either you or the weird night janitor who wears his pants backwards.
Dr. James Wilson: I want Foreman to leave. House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron is in love with him, Chase is afraid of him, and I enable him. House needs limits.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I give him...
Dr. James Wilson: You authorize magic mushrooms.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson after suspecting him of sabotaging Foreman's job interview] You made that call and because of that call, you basically guaranteed Foreman's out of here.

Dr. Eric Foreman: And when that case comes along that I can't figure out, you know who I'd have to go to?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Or you can just let that patient die, that's completely up to you.

Dr. Gregory House: Oh, almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [sarcastically] No problem.
[House exits her office]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [chasing after House] I was being sarcastic!
Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript.


"House M.D.: Saviors (#5.21)" (2009)
Dr. Robert Chase: Do you think Cameron's in love with House?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That is a ridiculous question. She is in love with you.
Dr. Robert Chase: Are you in love with House?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That... is an even more ridiculous question.
Dr. Robert Chase: Two questions, zero answers. I can extrapolate from that.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you in love with House?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You are not concerned about me... You're marking your territory.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You shouldn't be involved with House. Neither should I. Neither should anyone. You and Chase are good together. Don't screw it up.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's going on with Cameron?
Dr. Gregory House: She doesn't want back on my team. And she doesn't want to jump me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Okay.
[Starts to leave]
Dr. Gregory House: Whoa. Whoa. You asked a question, I ruled out two possibilities and you're satisfied. That means you don't want an answer. You just wanted to know there wasn't a particular answer. Either you were worried she wanted back on the team, or you were worried she wanted back on me.


"House M.D.: Fools for Love (#3.5)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

Dr. Gregory House: [looking in waste basket] No coffee cups. No caffeine good for baby.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Coffee cups are in the other waste basket. Baby is in your head.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Sometimes an ass is just an ass


"House M.D.: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job. The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. Gregory House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want".

Dr. Gregory House: [after questioning House's treatment plan for a patient] Why are you so afraid of making a mistake?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because I'm a doctor. Because when we make mistakes people die.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to a patient, about House] I'm your doctor. You've been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don't see how this conversation could end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she's not having an affair, and you're coming here because you rightly think I should fire him. But I can't, even if it costs me your money. The son-on-a-bitch is the best doctor we have.


"House M.D.: Under My Skin (#5.23)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: These people don't know me. You do.
Dr. Amber Volakis: She's not your keeper. She has no responsibility for you!
Dr. Gregory House: I need you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [pause] Let me call my babysitter.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I wasn't in your endocrinology class...
Dr. Gregory House: You sat next to me. I cheated off you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I audited your endocrinology class.
Dr. Gregory House: Why would you?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because I thought you were an interesting lunatic, even then. I'm not here protecting hospital property!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want to kiss me, don't you?
Dr. Gregory House: I always want to kiss you.


"House M.D.: Euphoria: Part 2 (#2.21)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. Gregory House: Ooh, level three. You should call Jack Bauer.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You know I've had no choice.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Of course you had a choice!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Regulations are clear.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension... hell, you can spend a couple of years in *jail*, if it *saves my life*!

[House comes in with Foreman's father]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is this?
Dr. Gregory House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.


"House M.D.: Big Baby (#5.13)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: There's no medical justification for that kind of...
Dr. Allison Cameron: Not medically no. Absolutely no medical justification. I had to say yes because House wanted me to say no.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think he was bluffing?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm the new kid. He had to test me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't get cute. Don't engage him. Do no play his games because you will lose!
Dr. Allison Cameron: You hired me to do this job. Let me do it.

Dr. Allison Cameron: I approved an insane procedure with no proof, no evidence, no...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You made the right call.
[Cameron sighs]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The problem was a brain problem, without the procedure House never notices the increased left brain function. She'd be dead if you didn't say yes.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I know... But... I'll always say yes to House. I studied under him, he's in my head. And if you gave *anyone* else this job they would always say no. Because - well because they should. House is insane!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Which leaves me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm sorry.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy's on the phone while House is opening a patient's skull] Insulting me is not going to make me go away!
Dr. Gregory House: You're not here! Honestly, I'm not trying to make you go away.


"House M.D.: Resignation (#3.22)" (2007)
Dr. Gregory House: My patient is about to have a heart attack. It's gonna be massive!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, well, that's too bad 'cause I just got two tickets for the stroke on third floor.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you sure?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: He's afraid of turning into me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, that's a good enough reason. Sign here.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good luck.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Thank you.
Dr. Gregory House: That's it? You're not gonna tell him that we're a family and families don't abandon each other?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Looks at House] Do you want me to?
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Looks at Foreman] Would it make any difference?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good luck, Doctor Foreman.


"House M.D.: Changes (#7.20)" (2011)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Arlene about House] He's being an ass. If I could join you in suing him...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Arlene Cuddy] Mom. Here's a check. It's a settlement for all you've been through. Of course you can stay in your home, it was wrong of me to suggest otherwise.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry - that we saved your life - in the way that we did.

Arlene Cuddy: [to House and Cuddy] Look at you two idiots. Who else is going to put up with either of you?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I asked you to move in... That meant we weren't going to reconcile. Sorry, mom. Some things take more than a common enemy.
[Cuddy hugs her mom]
Arlene Cuddy: Then you're an idiot with impossible standards.


"House M.D.: Larger Than Life (#7.9)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: [House turns around finds Wilson and Cuddy] I forgot. you guys talk. Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I- I have to act like a decent human being, and you know what a strain that puts on me. And *you*. Ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer.
Dr. James Wilson: And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it?
Dr. Gregory House: I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink Scotch and watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey... by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?
Dr. James Wilson, Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in Hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery.

Arlene: [to House] So, say you two got married. Would you convert to Judaism?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We haven't gotten that far, mom.
Dr. James Wilson: That's actually a really interesting question.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm an atheist.
Arlene: Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists. It's about community.


"House M.D.: Recession Proof (#7.14)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: I RSVP'd two days ago. What? Do you think I'm a complete ass?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy walks away. Then stops and turns around] If you were already going why did you - ?
Dr. Gregory House: Foreplay.

Dr. James Wilson: I picture him doing something stupid like - hiring a Marachi band or something.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, actually, I could get behind that. I tried hiring one last year, but the Board wouldn't let me. Because they thought it was too expensive.

Dr. Gregory House: I've made a decision... Being happy and being in love with you... makes me a crappy doctor.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Shut up! You're too drunk to end this relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: I am drunk, and I am also right. You have made me a worse doctor, and people are going to die because of that... and you... are *totally* worth it. If I had to choose between... between saving everyone or loving you, being happy. I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you.


"House M.D.: The Social Contract (#5.17)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Entering] I was paged.
Nick: I would do her in a minute with fudge and cherries on top. Would someone please to this woman, there's only so many apologies I can...
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [to Cuddy] He has Frontal Lobe Disinhibition.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where's House?
Nick: Like trying not to think of an elephant. Not that you're an elephant. Your breasts in fact, all... all...
[Nick chuckles]
Nick: homo sapiens.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House isn't here.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, he wouldn't have paged me if he couldn't watch and enjoy the -
[Cuddy finds House sitting in the darkend control room]

Dr. Gregory House: People don't get personal with you, except for me. And you dismiss me for a jerk who's jerking you around. But this guy can only tell the truth. And he prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So this is your way of saying I look good today?
Dr. Gregory House: You don't get the slightest kick out of that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't be ridiculous House.
[House leaves. Cuddy smiles as the elevator door closes]


"House M.D.: Meaning (#3.1)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: You want something, I want something. We compromise. It's the grown-up way to resolve our differen...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: There already *is* a mechanism for that, it's called the employer/employee relationship. I get what I want - and you don't.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have to tell him, he was right.
Dr. James Wilson: Why did you do it? Why did you think he might be right?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because he's... House.
Dr. James Wilson: Medically. What made you think he was right.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Nothing.
Dr. James Wilson: He got lucky. That's all that happened. Telling him "No" was a good thing. Because next time he won't be lucky, he'll kill someone. Just because he was right doesn't mean he wasn't wrong.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Exhales. Long pause] I see him everyday. I can't just...
Dr. James Wilson: Everybody lies.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You *ran* here?
Dr. Gregory House: [Out of breath] It's just... eight miles.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why did you...
Dr. Gregory House: Why does a dog lick it's... what's a workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?
Dr. James Wilson: Because he can.


"House M.D.: Need to Know (#2.11)" (2006)
Stacy Warner: What was Greg like after I left?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Uh, an egomaniacal narcissistic pain in the ass. Same as before you left.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [talking about Stacy] Here's what I think she's gonna say, "Oh I love Greg, but if he goes against a patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar and if something goes wrong, I end up in court having to defend the big, mean doctor albeit with dreamy eyes who wouldn't believe the nice suburban mom and even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery."

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [notices House come in] He's actually on time.
Dr. James Wilson: He's six minutes early.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Something's happened.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm on it.


"House M.D.: Distractions (#2.12)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [goes into House's office] Hey! Did you drop acid?
Dr. Gregory House: Why would I do that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: To annoy me or maybe because you're miserable or because you want to self-destruct. Pick one.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?
Dr. Gregory House: Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Did you sign this?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh, yeah. We can talk later about the appropriate discipline.


"House M.D.: Joy to the World (#5.11)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Yes, I was going to stalk you at home but it was a busy week, and your office is closer.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He doesn't want us to treat her.
Dr. James Wilson: If it's leukemia even if we kill every cancer cell. her heart and liver are too far gone.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Double transplant.
Dr. James Wilson: With brain involvement? The committee won't even open the file. There's no reason to put a *dying* girl through a painful treatment if we can't save her... He's being kind.

Dr. Gregory House: What's going to happen to her?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I spoke to both sets of grandparents. It's too painful, they're putting her up for adoption.
Dr. Gregory House: What are you going to do?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I already spoke to a lawyer. I become a foster parent. And then I adopt.


"House M.D.: The Itch (#5.7)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was emotional because of the adoption falling though, and you - actually let your human side show for a moment. That is why we kissed. I just wanted to say "Thank you" for not taking advantage.
Dr. Gregory House: You're welcome. Any time you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The benefit of being boss is that I don't have to argue. You're all off the case.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson] You're an idiot. Trust me. Everyone will be happier if House and I aren't dating.


"House M.D.: Unplanned Parenthood (#7.5)" (2010)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What? How did you eat a dime?
Rachel Cuddy: House.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [House checks things in Rachel's diaper with chopsticks] Is everything okay?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Sorry, just new to all this.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't know. All I know is that I'm gonna need to work late. I was actually hoping that you could babysit.
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Please.
Dr. Gregory House: Not two nights in a row.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Please.
Dr. Gregory House: I have a life, you know?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I will make it worth your while.
Dr. Gregory House: I am not going to bargain babysitting for sex... Who the hell said that? Of course I will.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thank you.


"House M.D.: Don't Ever Change (#4.12)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about Amber] Are you sure she doesn't just want to drag you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and lay her eggs inside of you?
Dr. James Wilson: Excellent disguise, House.

Dr. Gregory House: I need you to sleep with Wilson.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [incredulously] Good morning.


"House M.D.: Safe (#2.16)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Six months without putting out... Dr. Cuddy doesn't need to wear thong panties. It's not our call.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties.

[House is searching frantically through a patient's hair for a tick]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Ticks aren't usually invisible.
Dr. Gregory House: They are until you FIND THEM!
[holds up comb triumphantly]
Dr. Gregory House: No, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time'll be even better!


"House M.D.: The Greater Good (#5.14)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't know. Maybe because they wanted to take time off to spend with the little dumbwaiter but then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator into quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. But that's just a theory.
Dr. Gregory House: You're wrong. I don't even listen to you. Either do your job or go home. Leave me out of it!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm going to do my job. It doesn't mean I have to do it happily or doesn't mean I have to do it without resentment and it definitely doesn't mean I don't have to do it without seeking vengance on the person making me be here... Congratulations, you've officially dragged me down to your level.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay.

Dr. James Wilson: You're here because you like this. You like working with him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [sarcastically] Wow. If only I'd known I was having fun. I wouldn't have cancelled the bouncy House.
Dr. James Wilson: Fire him. And go be home with your new baby.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I like what he does for this hospital
Dr. James Wilson: What he does is who he is. And the same goes for you.


"House M.D.: Daddy's Boy (#2.5)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: [hearing serious news about patient on phone] Check it again. I'll be right there.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: Apparently I can save money by switching to another long-distance carrier.

Dr. Gregory House: You lie to your mother?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Only since I was twelve!


"House M.D.: Spin (#2.6)" (2005)
Moira: Jeff is in the Lucas wing. If Mr. Lucas showed up needing a lumbar puncture, would he have to wait until tomorrow?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Mr. Lucas is dead.
Moira: Good, then there's an opening.

Dr. Gregory House: How am I supposed to practice medicine with a lawyer sitting on my shoulder?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Responsibly.
Dr. Gregory House: You know I can't do that!


"House M.D.: Sex Kills (#2.14)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He's 66 years old.
Dr. Gregory House: He told me he was 65. Liar. I'm outta here.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?
Dr. Gregory House: No, it's hugely manipulative.


"House M.D.: Kids (#1.19)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You just don't want to deal with the epidemic!
Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] That's right. I'm subjecting a twelve-year-old to a battery of dangerous and evasive tests to avoid being bored.
Dr. Gregory House: [pause] Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not! - If it turns out she's got meningitis, you're right, you win, but if we go downstairs and she dies... your face will be "soooo" red.

Dr. Gregory House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old!
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. You just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
Dr. Gregory House: No, they can be babes. It's just you don't normally see their fun bags.


"House M.D.: Birthmarks (#5.4)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If there's anything I can do, just...
Dr. Gregory House: You know, you're right. I don't think I can sleep alone tonight.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [preparing a shot] It goes better in a large muscle. Drop your pants.
Dr. Gregory House: You know, I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that.


"House M.D.: Damned If You Do (#1.5)" (2004)
Dr. Gregory House: [flicks a piece of popcorn at Dr. Cuddy] Oops, I missed.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What are you, eight?
Dr. Gregory House: Could an eight year old do this?
[sticks his tongue out and makes a messed up face]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Better stop, or it'll stick that way.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Okay, let's just get this person healthy. I want her going out the front door, not the back.


"House M.D.: No Reason (#2.24)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Next time you get shot, I promise to only treat the bullet wounds.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [enters Exam Room One, where Cuddy is with a patient] Working
Dr. Gregory House: We need to talk.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [turns to face him] Get back to the ICU! Who un-cuffed you?
Dr. Gregory House: [holding his surgical papers] Why would a surgeon administer Ketamine?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [hesitates for a bit] Who showed you your surgical file?
Dr. Gregory House: How do you know it's mine?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because your patient hasn't had surgery and you don't care about anybody else.
Dr. Gregory House: My anesthesia was almost nonexistent
[raises eyebrows]
Dr. Gregory House: , and yet I wasn't awake. For some reason, somebody decided to put me in a dissociative coma instead of just putting me out.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: There are plenty of reasons to use...
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll go beat the truth out of my surgeon.
[bitter]
Dr. Gregory House: Gillick, right?
[turns to leave; Cuddy watches him go and observes him walking down the hallway, sans the cane assisting him; sentimental music plays as he walks]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [still staring emotionally] It - worked.
[House turns shocked and confused]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: There's a clinic in Germany; they've been treating chronic pain by inducing comas and letting the mind basically reboot itself. There's about a 50% chance your pain will come back, which of course means thee is a 50% chance that it won't.
Dr. Gregory House: [slowly turns to anger and walks toward her] You had no right...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: To heal you?
Dr. Gregory House: You messed with my brain!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [angry] Why are you so upset? Are you experiencing any neurological symptoms? Dizziness? Tremors? Hallucinations?
Dr. Gregory House: No.
[mouth twitches]
Dr. Gregory House: It's a point of principle.
[turns to leave]


"House M.D.: Fidelity (#1.7)" (2004)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] You're ordering tests, to cover your lechery... interesting.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House and Wilson] It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, did the complications increase exponentially with cup size?


"House M.D.: Epic Fail (#6.2)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: I want to run the department.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You consider waiting until House clears the lobby before you start angling for his job?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's not dead, or sentimental. And somebody need to do it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not necessarily, Departments of Diagnostic Medicine don't exist. Only reason we have one is House.

Dr. Gregory House: We flirted. We kissed. I fondled. I hallucinated a night with you and yelled it from a hospital balcony. You're not a narcissist.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So what am I?
Dr. Gregory House: Not the reason I'm leaving.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...House... I'm going to miss you.
Cecile: Lady, either kiss him or leave. We've got work to do.
[Cuddy leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: You couldn't just keep your trap shut.
Cecile: Make the damn goochi.


"House M.D.: Wilson (#6.9)" (2009)
Dr. James Wilson: You're Bonnie's friend. You know how to reach her and yet instead of calling her, you come and seek my permission. You want my blessing, and implicitly House's blessing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't need House's blessing.
Dr. James Wilson: Good.

Dr. James Wilson: I want to donate a lobe of my liver to Tucker.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's insane!
Dr. James Wilson: I'm donating a small portion of...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You have hundreds of patients.
Dr. James Wilson: And until I run out of excess organs, why shouldn't I do everything I can to help them?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because you're a doctor, not a donor.


"House M.D.: Both Sides Now (#5.24)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] People who get close to you get hurt, that's a fact. You're a valued doctor at this hospital, that's another fact. From now on, I'm going to focus on the second fact.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you okay?
Dr. Gregory House: No. I'm not okay.


"House M.D.: Brave Heart (#6.5)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pretend time's been going on long enough.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't have a medical license. All I can do is pretend.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And I'm going to have payroll send over some pretend checks starting tomorrow.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: From now on, I'm going to supervise your practicum requirements.
Dr. Gregory House: That won't be necessary.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want another doctor first? Eventually...
Dr. Gregory House: It's not necessary because I'm not ready to be a doctor again.


"House M.D.: The Down Low (#6.10)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's not fair for me to make less than the people I supervise.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Salary isn't about fairness. It's about what you can leverage in a negotiation. Which isn't much without a competitive offer on the table. We both know you don't have one.

Dr. Chris Taub: We were screwing with Foreman. Trying to make him think he made less money than we did. Obviously, things got out of control.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, someone does something stupid and insensitive, I always figure it was House. Good to know it's catching.


"House M.D.: Guardian Angels (#4.4)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The Doctors' lounge is covered in mud.
Dr. Gregory House: Thirteen and Cut-throat Bitch had a disagreement, and the cafeteria was out of Jello.

Dr. Amber Volakis: Dr. Cuddy, I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Sexual harassment claims go through HR, stress-related leaves through workman's comp and any accusations of criminal activities go directly to the Princeton Plainsboro's police department.


"House M.D.: Living the Dream (#4.14)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [walks into hospital morgue, sees House] What are you doing here?
Dr. Gregory House: Just grabbing a snack
[bites sandwich]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You keep food in the *morgue*?
Dr. Gregory House: If I keep it in the lounge, everyone else eats it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [shows House the label on container] That's 'cause it's everyone else's food!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Don't know.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Don't have to know.
Dr. Robert Chase: Don't... care?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Wrong! Until this inspection is over, you're back on House-watch!


"House M.D.: Unfaithful (#5.15)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House for better or worse, you are part of my life. It isn't a ploy. It's a sincere invitation. I honestly want you to come.
Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm glad.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Entering Wilson's office] You idiot! I was free and clear. Now he's coming and it's *your* fault!
Dr. James Wilson: Since when has your failed attempts at communication through *lies* become my fault?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Since you forgot how to keep your mouth shut! You messed it up, and now you fix it! And you're gonna keep my name out of it!


"House M.D.: Human Error (#3.24)" (2007)
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why'd you fire Chase?
Dr. Gregory House: Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Did you fire him for me?
Dr. Gregory House: Would you stay if I did?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You asked him to fire Chase?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No!
Dr. Gregory House: Yes!
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're frustrated with Foreman so you lash out, kick the dog?
Dr. Gregory House: He's not gone five minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why'd you fire Chase?
Dr. Gregory House: Do *you* know what's on the PET scan?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You two, out.
Dr. Gregory House: Whoa, whoa, wait. What's on the PET scan?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, they are all irreplaceable.

Dr. James Wilson: What the hell's wrong with you! You fired Chase?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't suppose *you* know what's on that patient's PET scan?
Dr. James Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart. How does that translate into you being a bastard?
Dr. Gregory House: So that's a "no"?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pick up the phone and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him.
Dr. Gregory House: [Picks up phone, dials number] Chase, if you know what's on the PET scan call me back.


"House M.D.: Known Unknowns (#6.6)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [House enters wearing an old costume] House... *19*80's.
Dr. Gregory House: You sure? They weren't specific.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson] I'm a mother now. I need a guy I can count on every single day. Never been House.


"House M.D.: The Tyrant (#6.3)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You had no problem treating that guy on death row.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Who is still in jail after we patched him up. We fix this Dibala and he gets on a plane and executes half his country. He's been repressing an ethnic rebellion in the south, the Sitibi people... It's getting *worse*.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Dibala is a guest of the US Government. And he's been invited to speak at the UN. I'm not asking you to like him. I'm asking you to do your job.

Dr. Allison Cameron: She's being coerced.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If she is, I'd rather have a needle prick on my conscience than family members.


"House M.D.: The Mistake (#2.8)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Forget it. We can't give a liver to a woman this sick.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you listen to what you're saying?

[last lines]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [motions towards Foreman] Dr. House. Meet your new boss.
Dr. James Wilson: Guess I'm *his* best friend now.


"House M.D.: Occam's Razor (#1.3)" (2004)
[House argues with Cuddy to get out of clinic duty]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable... It's a game, and I'm gonna win, because I got a head start: You are already miserable.

Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
Dr. Gregory House: [House turns to face Dr. Cuddy] That is true, isn't it?
Dr. Gregory House: [He turns back to the crowd] But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.


"House M.D.: Honeymoon (#1.22)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Catching up with House in the main lobby] I want to run something by you.
Dr. Gregory House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need...


"House M.D.: Whac-A-Mole (#3.8)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: [comes into Cuddy's office] Okay, fine! I'll father your child, first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: How many days do you have left?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh, I could probably get through this maybe...
[tilts head to the right]
Dr. Gregory House: next minute or so.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And your coming to me means your lackeys actually stood up to you. I'm impressed.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, their cowardice is inspiring.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, you should be thanking them. If they caved, it'd give the cops evidence that you intimidated underlings to feed your addiction.
Dr. Gregory House: I hate writing "Thank You" notes. Would it be weird if I asked Cameron to write them?
[Cuddy stares at him; she pulls out her prescription booklet]
Dr. Gregory House: You're hooking me up?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Unfortunately, if I cut you off, it'd give the cops evidence that you don't really need the pain meds.
Dr. Gregory House: I knew that cleavage was a smokescreen. You're a genius.
[reaches for the script with a grimace on his face and also a bent right arm]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't lift your arm?
Dr. Gregory House: You can't pee standing up? Gimme.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You been doing physio? Maybe you pulled...
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, been training for Pants-Off Dance-Off. Gimme the script.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your shoulder problem isn't physical.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, we'll find out if you ever give me the...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's new? What's different? Any big changes in your life recently? Fight with the wife maybe?
[House looks at her]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's good. Means your shoulder's a human being. It's a start.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [smiles] I'm right, right?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah! Just not about me.
[begins to limp off, leaving Cuddy still holding onto the script. He goes and snatches the script from Cuddy, and then limps outside]


"House M.D.: Babies & Bathwater (#1.18)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The nurses were concerned and they called me. There was evidence of abuse; you took a big legal risk by not calling Social Services.
Dr. Gregory House: Those parents were not abusive, they're idiots.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, well that's certainly a relief.


"House M.D.: Insensitive (#3.14)" (2007)
Don Herrick: So, what does a dean of medicine do?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, can we please not talk about that. I will talk about anything else, but I'm just trying to get away from work.
Don Herrick: Metaphorically. Because, geographically the coffee place around the corner from the hospital probably isn't the furthest you could get.


"House M.D.: Last Temptation (#7.19)" (2011)
Martha Masters: House has opened up an internship.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You do realize if you take it. He'll probably end up firing you again.
Martha Masters: He's always hired me back.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And he'll continue mocking and insulting you- whatever chance you get.
Martha Masters: It's certainly toughened me up. You're trying to get me to say good things about him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: NO! I'm trying to make you make your own decision and leave me alone. Working with House is great - and it sucks - often simultaneously. Most people can't work in that environment. Question is: can you?


"House M.D.: Who's Your Daddy? (#2.23)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Need you. Now.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, mistress.


"House M.D.: Heavy (#1.16)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: Ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Uh... no, but I know a few people to whom I'd like to see it happen.


"House M.D.: Lockdown (#6.16)" (2010)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Call the police. Shut down all the exits. We are on lockdown. Nobody moves until we find that baby!


"House M.D.: Forever (#2.22)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: You don't have cancer.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
Dr. Gregory House: You have no proof of that.


"House M.D.: It's a Wonderful Lie (#4.10)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You owe me fifty bucks.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you owe me half a lap dance.


"House M.D.: Words and Deeds (#3.11)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You make everyone around you worse for being there. The only bright spot is that now I own your ass.


"House M.D.: Paternity (#1.2)" (2004)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And is there a paternity bet on the father of the patient?
Dr. Gregory House: That doesn't sound like me.
Dr. James Wilson: Well it does actually, but that doesn't mean you're guilty.


"House M.D.: Top Secret (#3.16)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're supposed to be on clinic duty.
Dr. Gregory House: Like I can sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.


"House M.D.: Maternity (#1.4)" (2004)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.


"House M.D.: The Fix (#7.21)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: We could or we could assume something's seriously wrong with House and try to do something about that. That way, even if we're wrong, nobody dies.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House is fine. House is *always* fine.
[Starts to leave]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [Foreman grabs Cuddy's arm] I'm expanding my theory. He's avoiding you, *and* you're avoiding him. And this patient is going to die.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not if you do *your* job.


"House M.D.: Here Kitty (#5.18)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Confirm she's not faking or I'm going to have to kick her out.
Dr. Gregory House: There's that voice again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You have 24 hours.
[Cuddy leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: Consecutive?


"House M.D.: TB or Not TB (#2.4)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there nobody you admire?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, there was this girl I met in 'Nam who could blow out a candle without using her...


"House M.D.: Instant Karma (#6.4)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] The kid'll still be Foreman's patient, but his dad wants *you* making the decisions.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then he's not my patient. You want to give me none of the responsibility and all of the liability.
Dr. Gregory House: Which means I get... Oh cool!


"House M.D.: Half-Wit (#3.15)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's the middle of the night. You knew I'd be asleep.
Dr. Gregory House: Phone would've woken you up just as much... but I can't see what you're wearing on the phone.


"House M.D.: Histories (#1.10)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [approaching with two young-looking female interns] Dr. House!
Dr. Gregory House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already?
Dr. Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints.


"House M.D.: The Right Stuff (#4.2)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You bumped a spleenectomy for a boob job?
Dr. Gregory House: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?


"House M.D.: DNR (#1.9)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: You don't have a problem with what I did?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.


"House M.D.: Two Stories (#7.13)" (2011)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] I want you to care more than just what you want. You think you need me, House. You may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does.


"House M.D.: A Pox on Our House (#7.7)" (2010)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] I don't care right now that you lied to me. I want you to stay alive.


"House M.D.: Whatever It Takes (#4.6)" (2007)
Dr. Gregory House: I know how to kill a man with my thumb!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Who doesn't?


"House M.D.: Knight Fall (#6.17)" (2010)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I heard House has met Sam.
Dr. James Wilson: First time, he was naked. Second time, he brought a transvestite prostitute to dinner. Overall, it could have been worse.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Great.


"House M.D.: Acceptance (#2.1)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is it, Clarence?
Clarence: My gut!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Would you describe it as a shooting pain? A throbbing pain? Or maybe an imaginary pain because you don't want to back to prison?


"House M.D.: Sports Medicine (#1.12)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. Gregory House: It's creamy.


"House M.D.: Euphoria: Part 1 (#2.20)" (2006)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.


"House M.D.: Deception (#2.9)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: Chase killed that woman and Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here. If Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. We have a flowchart in the lobby.


"House M.D.: Last Resort (#5.9)" (2008)
Dr. Gregory House: You're suggesting that you screwed up because of a non-relationship with me. I don't know how I can help you. Because the only change from a non-relationship is...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You *want* a relationship?
Dr. Gregory House: God no. Just trying to follow your logic.


"House M.D.: Unwritten (#7.3)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: I need some help with Alice Tanner. She wants a vagina.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm pretty attached to mine.


"House M.D.: House Divided (#5.22)" (2009)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [on why Wilson is not answering his phone] He probably left it in his pants, which he was not wearing when the police picked him up trying to walk home- oddly from his own apartment!


"House M.D.: Games (#4.9)" (2007)
[last lines]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after forcing House to hire another doctor] This was your plan all along!
[slight chuckle]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: At least the game's over.
Dr. Gregory House: How long have you known me?


"House M.D.: Control (#1.14)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.


"House M.D.: Carrot or Stick (#7.10)" (2011)
Teacher: Rachel had a great time, played with everything. She's a very clever girl. I'm sorry to ask this, but we've had some problems with parents coaching kids. Rachel caught on to our toys unusually quickly, and she even knew the game was called Feed the Monkey.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, as eager as I am to have her go here, I promise you, I would never do that. Hey, Rachel, have you ever played Feed the Monkey before?
Rachel Cuddy: ...No, Mama.


"House M.D.: Role Model (#1.17)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you have to make everything so dramatic?
Dr. Gregory House: Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff!


"House M.D.: Black Hole (#6.15)" (2010)
Dr. Wilson: I'm pacing in your office because I am physically incapable of buying furniture.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: For Amber's old place?
Dr. Wilson: ...Yeah. I... it needs some new...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I know you bought the place I wanted. You're a jerk. Move on. Hire a decorator.


"House M.D.: Act Your Age (#3.19)" (2007)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Restrictive pericarditis.
Dr. Gregory House: Boring.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's in kindergarten.
Dr. Gregory House: Less boring or Grandma's been held back a few years.


"House M.D.: The Choice (#6.19)" (2010)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I just want us to be friends.
Dr. Gregory House: Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be.


"House M.D.: Hunting (#2.7)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You need a lawyer. Go see Stacy. You hit a patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Four words, two mistakes. He's not a *patient* and I didn't *hit* him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Of course you didn't. Go see Stacy.


"House M.D.: Clueless (#2.15)" (2006)
Charlotte: I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Find out where House is.