Dr. Robert Chase
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Quotes for
Dr. Robert Chase (Character)
from "House M.D." (2004)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"House M.D.: Finding Judas (#3.9)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [about the patient, Alice] She's six. Six-year-olds don't get gallstones.
Dr. Gregory House: So, she didn't have pancreatitis?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Your theory is an invisible gallstone?
Dr. Robert Chase: His theory correctly predicted the pancreatitis.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Chase] You might wanna wait until he actually tell us his theory before you start kissing his theory's ass.

Dr. Robert Chase: I wasn't kissing his ass.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over.
Dr. Robert Chase: He predicted the pancreatitis.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's his dad's fault.
Dr. Robert Chase: My dad was an ass.
Dr. Allison Cameron: But you did everything he wanted you to and in return, you got everything you wanted.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, it's that simple.
Dr. Allison Cameron: His strategy worked. Dad got him a cushy job, paid for his cushy life.
Dr. Robert Chase: Cut me out of his cushy will.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I told you, just his nature. Poor guy's hardwired to kiss ass.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [when Tritter freezes Cameron and Foreman's accounts] Tritter froze my account. They're checking theirs. I'm on hold with a lawyer.
Dr. Gregory House: [takes Foreman's cell phone, turns it off, and tosses it on the table] Call Wilson's lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed. This kid has no history of allergies.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shouting] You gotta talk to Tritter. You gotta make this go away!
Dr. Robert Chase: [sarcastic tone] Yeah, great plan! The man's obviously open to reason.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Allergic reaction is 100% times more likely with or without a history. Fever and anemia could've been symptoms of pancreatitis.
[talks on cell phone]
Dr. Allison Cameron: Hello? Thank your for your help.
[hangs up phone]
Dr. Allison Cameron: They froze my accounts.
Dr. Robert Chase: Thank you for your help?
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's not her fault.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Got any money for lunch?
Dr. Robert Chase: If you like parsley and croutons. Tritter finally froze my accounts.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Really?
Dr. Robert Chase: You surprised? Why wouldn't he?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I figured if he was singling you out, you must have done something different.
Dr. Robert Chase: What? Like talking?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, and now that he's frozen your accounts, you probably will. You need the cash, right?
Dr. Robert Chase: He doesn't freeze my accounts, I'm guilty. He does freeze my accounts, I'm guilty.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [when Alice is in the operating room] Are you saying she never had Reye's? We just put that girl through excruciating pain.
Dr. Robert Chase: Pain wasn't House's fault. Even if the clot was a reaction to what we gave her, we still have to...
Dr. Gregory House: [angry tone] I don't need you to cover my ass! What I need is my Vicodin! Two pills every six hours like I'm on an allowance. She's given the cop leverage over medical decisions. What the hell, why don't we get a plumber in here, ask his opinion?

Dr. Robert Chase: [when Tritter released Chase, Cameron, and Foreman's accounts] Maybe he wants us to think that one of us talked.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It worked.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You were with him.
Dr. Robert Chase: We were all with him.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We weren't laughing with him.

Dr. Robert Chase: Can we talk?
Dr. Gregory House: Nope.
Dr. Robert Chase: I really think you need...
Dr. Gregory House: Either you screwed me and you want absolution or you didn't and you want applause. Either way, not interested.

Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, maybe Chase screwed up.
[House looks at him]
Dr. Robert Chase: You always end there, just getting a jump on it.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [after House yells at them] He's yelled at us before.
Dr. Allison Cameron: 'Cause he thought our theories were dumb, not because our theories were sending him to jail.
[Chase is playing with House's laser pointer]
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's going through withdrawal, could be causing mild paranoia. It'll pass, we just have to suffer through it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: We never ruled out allergy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We gave her drugs, she had no negative reaction.
Dr. Allison Cameron: We cut open her belly, she got a rash on her belly. We did a scratch test on her back, she got a rash on her back. I know House ruled out mojo, but it can't be a coincidence.
[Chase points the laser pointer at Foreman]
Dr. Robert Chase: Little late to be playing differental games, isn't it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shields his eyes] Get that thing away from me! I don't wanna get burned.
Dr. Robert Chase: Laser pointers don't burn you, genius.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Skin, no. Retina, yes.
Dr. Robert Chase: You don't trust my aim? Maybe you should cover any sensitive...
[thinks for a minute, then has an epiphany. He puts down the laser pointer]
Dr. Robert Chase: He was wrong about the puppies!
[jumps from his seat and races out of the room]


"House M.D.: Now What? (#7.1)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: Oh. I - I - I thought that maybe it was because you're asking for a leave of absence and wouldn't have time to see a case through.
Dr. Chris Taub: [Thirteen looks at Taub] I didn't say anything.
Dr. Robert Chase: He didn't. I saw an envelope on House's desk with your name on it, so *naturally* I - steamed it open.
Dr. Chris Taub: What's wrong with you? You steam an envelope to keep it secret.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Which is why I just ripped it. You gonna tell us where you're going?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [Long pause. Thirteen scoffs] Sure sounds like a "No."

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: So, you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial? And by ask, I mean give me your opinion.
Dr. Robert Chase: No. There is one thing though. Will you have sex with me?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: ...What?
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, this trial mean you're leaving right away. I was playing a long game. Deadlines have been moved up.

Dr. Robert Chase: Cake? Taub though we should have a little party to see you off properly. He gets sentimental about these things.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I never should have flashed him.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [about Thirteen] Point is, she's not even in the trial. Never heard of her. She's been lying to us all day.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, have you tried -?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Both her phone lines have been disconnected. She's just gone.

Dr. Robert Chase: Speaking of which, earlier today I asked you about having sex. You gave me a look that almost certainly could only mean no. However, on the other hand, I'd be remiss if I didn't follow up and confirm. See? That's the same look. So, if it didn't mean "no" the first time, then...
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: No. No, no, no.
Dr. Robert Chase: No pressure.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Does that method ever work?
Dr. Robert Chase: At least once.
[Thirteen hugs Chase]
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm getting mixed signals.

Dr. Robert Chase: You had shrimp?
Dr. Richardson: Uh-huh.
Dr. Robert Chase: And crab?
Dr. Richardson: Uh-huh.
Dr. Robert Chase: Lobster?
Dr. Richardson: Uh-huh.
Dr. Robert Chase: And?
Dr. Richardson: I ate whatever looked good.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Did you eat any roe? Little tiny eggs?
Dr. Richardson: Nummy.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Toad eggs will cause nausea, and they can get you high. If I'm right, the antidote is fast-acting. If we can get him to keep his clothes on long enough, he can pass as a functioning neurosurgeon.

Dr. Eric Foreman: What if his behavior isn't a side effect of the ondansetron? What if it's a symptom?
Dr. Robert Chase: Thank you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What causes delirium and nausea?
Dr. Chris Taub: He's been stuck here in the hospital a few days. Nobody else is sick, so it can't be environmental...
Dr. Richardson: Not exactly stuck. I snuck out. Freedom is my birthright.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Where did you go?
Dr. Richardson: The seafood festival at the convention center.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: We're screwed. The seafood festival has stuff from all around the world, in combinations nobody ever thought of.


"House M.D.: The Jerk (#3.23)" (2007)
Dr. Robert Chase: Does your head hurt?
Nate: Are you an idiot?

Dr. Gregory House: I like this kid.
Dr. Robert Chase: You haven't met him.
Dr. Gregory House: I know you don't like him. What else do I need to know?

Dr. Robert Chase: [while giving Nate mushrooms] Nate, how's the pain?
Nate: Hey, it's Skippy, the bush kangaroo!
Dr. Robert Chase: Your head, Nate. We need to know how the pain is.
Nate: What I got here is the opposite of pain.
Dr. Allison Cameron: That means you're suffering from cluster headaches which means hopefully...
[Nate looks at Cameron]
Nate: [laughs] Man, you're hot!
[turns to Chase]
Nate: She's making me horny.
Dr. Robert Chase: Deal with it.
Nate: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can't get me stoned then not close the deal.
Dr. Robert Chase: [under his breath] God, shut up.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to Chase] Take it easy, he's not well.
Nate: [laughs] You'll regret saying no. Check it out.
[Nate opens his gown exposing himself to Chase and Cameron]
Dr. Robert Chase: [disgusted tone] Oh, for God's sake!

Dr. Allison Cameron: Where's Foreman?
Dr. Gregory House: He's mad at me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: No reason.
Dr. Robert Chase: [scoffs] Yeah, that makes sense.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Foreman's interview in New York got screwed up.
Dr. Robert Chase: I heard.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Foreman thought it was House, House thought it was Cuddy, Cuddy thought it was Wilson, Wilson thought it was me.
[stares accusingly at Chase]
Dr. Robert Chase: And you think it was me?
[chuckles]
Dr. Robert Chase: God, you think I sabotaged Foreman? I don't even want him here.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I know.
Dr. Robert Chase: Then why would I do...?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I think you sabotaged Foreman just to sabotage Foreman.
Dr. Robert Chase: So everyone's a suspect because everyone wants to help House, except for me. I'm a suspect because I'm a petty, vindictive jerk?
[Cameron stares at him]
Dr. Robert Chase: You actually think I would do something like that?
Dr. Allison Cameron: It was someone.
Dr. Robert Chase: [firm tone] It wasn't me.

Dr. Robert Chase: It's Tuesday.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I know.
Dr. Robert Chase: I like you.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [smiles] I know. See you next Tuesday.

Dr. Robert Chase: Blood thinners and TMS had no effect; it's not cluster headaches.
Dr. Gregory House: You accusing the symptoms of lying?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Could be hemacomatosis.
Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't account for the personality disorder.
Dr. Robert Chase: Hypothyroidism.
Dr. Gregory House: He's not getting aggressive and lethargic, he's getting aggressive and aggressiver.
Dr. Allison Cameron: What about ruptured dermoid cyst?
Dr. Gregory House: [House stumbles backward] Sorry. I just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. Its Foreman's turn to be shot down.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [listlessly] The thing that Cameron said.
Dr. Gregory House: Way to think outside the box. No fat in the ventricles. It's cluster headaches.
Dr. Robert Chase: Normal treatment didn't work. Abnormal treatment didn't work.
Dr. Gregory House: Good point, Foreman. The normal treatments don't always work. Symptoms never lie.
Dr. Allison Cameron: The only approved treatment left for cluster headaches is brain surgery and that's not even a guarantee.
Dr. Gregory House: Back off, Foreman!


"House M.D.: Carrot or Stick (#7.10)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: [about a photo of himself] That... is not me.
Dr. Chris Taub: That is you.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Pointing to part of picture] Th-that's me.
[Pointing to another part]
Dr. Robert Chase: But th-that is not. Whoever did this made it smaller. Much, much smaller.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Whoever did this has a bone to pick with you. Ironic, since your bone...
Dr. Robert Chase: It is not in that picture. My proof is right here.
[Starts to undo his belt]
Dr. Robert Chase: You really want to see it?

Dr. Robert Chase: How generous is "extraordinarily generous?"
Martha Masters: Call the charity, explain the donation is a fraud.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And take back Wells's wedding gift? *You* are extraordinarily screwed.

Dr. Robert Chase: You live with your parents?
Kenzie: Oh, just until graduation?
Dr. Robert Chase: College?... How old are you?
Kenzie: 18... Next month. Relax. It's not illegal or anything.

Wynn: When we were talking you seemed like a nice guy. So either you're a great actor or you're a nice guy who lost his way. For whatever reason, a little negative re-enforcement seemed warranted... Oh currently your password is "Great big ho." Change it back to anything but "password."
Dr. Robert Chase: Hey, I'm - I'm sorry. Let me prove it to you by taking you out for dinner followed by not sleeping.
[Chuckles]
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm serious.
Wynn: Not on your life.

Dr. Robert Chase: I was hoping to get in touch. Thing is, I'm a bit fuzzy on names. Sorry, open bar. She was sitting at Dr. Simpson's table, brunette, purple dress, low-cut.
Sanford Wells: That's my niece, Winn Phillips.
Dr. Robert Chase: Your niece? Fantastic.
Sanford Wells: Her info is in your e-mail.
Dr. Robert Chase: Also, there was a blonde, green dress.
Sanford Wells: You want me to hook you up with two women?
Dr. Robert Chase: Actually, three.

Dr. Gregory House: Well done, Chase. Now turn off your phone.
Dr. Robert Chase: You heard that? It's on vibrate.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm assuming it's been ringing almost non-stop since you changed your status update to, "Nothing lights my fire like a lady-of-size. Less than three bills, don't bother calling." Followed by your cell number.

Dr. Robert Chase: We talked at the reception. That's why you hate me?
Bree: It was fun.
Dr. Robert Chase: It was great.
Bree: Until I mentioned that I don't sleep with guys on the first date, and then you said you had to go to the bathroom and you never came back. Actions have consequences.
Dr. Robert Chase: Do you take vengeance on every guy who acts like an ass? Could be a full-time job.


"House M.D.: Whac-A-Mole (#3.8)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: [House is writing down something] What are you writing?
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing.
Dr. Robert Chase: If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?
Dr. Gregory House: [finishes writing] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters?
[licks the envelope]
Dr. Allison Cameron: You can't know what's wrong after a 30-second perusal of his file.
Dr. Gregory House: Apparently, you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch.
[writes something on the envelope; walks over to the whiteboard]
Dr. Gregory House: If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, it's a very cruel game.
[places the envelope on the whiteboard with a magnetic paperclip. On the envelope written is "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT."]

Dr. Robert Chase: [refuses to write House a script for Vicodin] We both know it's not gonna be just one. I'd rather lose my job than lose my license.

Dr. Robert Chase: One of you two screwed up.

Dr. Robert Chase: [about Jack] You want us to starve him so we can drive him into another seizure and maybe a heart attack just so we can run another tox screen?
Dr. Gregory House: That'd be cruel. Just sweat it out of him.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Jack] It can't be genetic. He would have been getting infections since he was an infant.
Dr. Gregory House: Not if he grew up in a bubble.
Dr. Robert Chase: Or if he grew up on Mars. No germs there either.

Dr. Robert Chase: House was on this page when he got that annoying "I'm such a genius" look.


"House M.D.: Teamwork (#6.7)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: House is back in charge. We get to treat a porn star.
Dr. Robert Chase: Congratulations.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Perfect timing for us.
Dr. Robert Chase: We're leaving the team. And the hospital, effective immediately.

Dr. Robert Chase: In other words, you're committed except when you're not committed. Doesn't work so well if you have a conscience.
Hank: Conscience? You mean that thing that kicks in when there's no logical reason to behave the way people want you to.

Dr. Gregory House: I owe you an apology. I was wr - rr. I was wr -rr...
Dr. Robert Chase: What were you wrong about?

Dr. Gregory House: She thinks that you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Because you didn't kill anybody. I did. She blames me for Dibala's murder, not you.
Dr. Robert Chase: You were barely involved in that case. She knows that.
Dr. Gregory House: I created the big bad evil climate that allowed it to happen.

Dr. Robert Chase: What I did may be the worst thing I ever did. It may be the best I'm either a murderer or a guy who stopped a mass murderer. But *I* did it. Me. And even if it destroys me, I'd do again today.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You don't mean that. This isn't you.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm not running away from what I did because you want me to pretend I never did it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: If that's how you feel - okay.

Lucas Douglas: In my experience, if you're staring at a pit bull in some guy's backyard, you're better off staying right where you are. Face the problem. That way it can't bite you in the ass.
Dr. Robert Chase: Thanks for the folksy wisdom.


"House M.D.: Ignorance Is Bliss (#6.8)" (2009)
Dr. Robert Chase: I know what you're trying to do, and I appreciate it. But I've got it under control.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's what you said about the Dibala incident. Obviously you didn't.
Dr. Robert Chase: And talking about it made it so much better.

Dr. Chris Taub: [Reading some of James's notebooks] This isn't some homework assignment his parents forced on him. This is passion. Why would he want to stop doing this?
Dr. Robert Chase: Marriage destroyed his soul.

Dr. Robert Chase: Why does everyone assume that everyone works in the *exact* same way?
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: We pretty much do. Our egos want us to think we're all snowflakes, no two alike. But really we all want the same things: love, forgiveness... chocolate.

Dr. Gregory House: What about you? Got any predictable drivel you'd like to add?
Dr. Robert Chase: I think they've given you enough already.
Dr. Gregory House: Well at least they're trying. They're not just sitting there like roadkill. Give me something! Give me something or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her!
Dr. Eric Foreman: House.
[Chase rises, and walks to House and punches him]

Dr. Gregory House: Guess I deserved it.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, if I thought that, I wouldn't be apologizing.
Dr. Gregory House: Your fist slipped?
Dr. Robert Chase: Everyone kept bugging me. Asking if I was okay.
Dr. Gregory House: So you busted my nose to keep people off your back?
Dr. Robert Chase: Pretty much.
Dr. Gregory House: Making people even more worried about you.
Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe, but at least they're not talking to me about it.
Dr. Gregory House: ...Fair enough.
Dr. Robert Chase: Cheers.

Dr. Robert Chase: What are you so excited about?
Dr. Gregory House: Why wouldn't I be? Got all my starters back, plus a couple of first-class free agents. I feel like Mike Tomlin.
[Tomlin look-alike Foreman glares at him]
Dr. Gregory House: Probably not as much as you do, but... you get the idea.


"House M.D.: The Confession (#8.5)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: As the new Dean of Medicine, I'd like to personally welcome our new employees, and ask why the Hell did you want to come back?
Dr. Robert Chase: Tired of surfing.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He hasn't changed.
Dr. Robert Chase: And neither has the job, right? We still get to do crazy crap.
Dr. Chris Taub: Save people's lives instead of just their noses.

Dr. Chi Park: But it could end up causing another cardiac arrest.
Dr. Gregory House: Hopefully, and we'll know what set it off.
Dr. Robert Chase: What he means is, it's better to do it here where we can revive him than have it happen somewhere else.
Dr. Gregory House: The prodigal son has returned.
[House hugs Chase]

Dr. Robert Chase: He's in too good a shape. We need to get him to the point he was at last night.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Don't look at me. But if you want to...
Dr. Robert Chase: Cute. But I didn't mean physical stress.

Dr. Jessica Adams: I know when House went to prison you quit medicine. You don't do that unless...
Dr. Robert Chase: I didn't quit. I took a vacation. I knew when he got out, I'd get my job back.
Dr. Jessica Adams: House didn't even know he'd be coming back.
Dr. Robert Chase: I had faith.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Now that has baggage stamped all over it.

Dr. Eric Foreman: That falls under natural causes. If you kill him, we're looking at...
Dr. Robert Chase: Dead is dead.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not as far as our lawyers are concerned. I'm not being a dick. This is a real issue. And I have to worry about the big picture.
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't. I'll be doing what you would've done a year ago. I'll be in surgery.

Dr. Robert Chase: House is screwing with you - by not screwing with you. He's watching TV, and drinking martinis all night. Meanwhile, he's keeping you here searching for a plan that doesn't exist.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How the Hell did I not see that?... I'm glad you're back.
Dr. Robert Chase: Me too.


"House M.D.: Fools for Love (#3.5)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Allergic reaction to the floroquinolone.
Dr. Robert Chase: We should switch her to a different antibiotic.
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Dr. Robert Chase: We can't treat the salmonella unless...
Dr. Gregory House: Salmonella? That was a total stretch.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Man, why does that sound so familiar? You think it's 'cuz I said it about an hour ago?
Dr. Gregory House: Then, it was a dumb thing to say. Now, it's smart.

Dr. Gregory House: How much morphine is the husband on?
Dr. Robert Chase: We can't increase it anymore. His respirations are depressed.
Dr. Gregory House: Decrease it! Drugs cloud people's judgment. Cold turkey the sucker.

Dr. Gregory House: How is that unethical? It'll lead to a diagnosis.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's leading to the torture of a husband on the off-chance he'll allow a procedure on another person.
Dr. Gregory House: Which will lead to a diagnosis. Didn't I just say that?
Dr. Robert Chase: Give it up. Foreman and Cameron are too ethical and I'm too scared of getting sued.

Dr. Robert Chase: We can't babysit House all day.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll tell Cuddy to put a nurse by his room.

Dr. Robert Chase: Hey, Foreman, can you wear the beeper for a couple of hours this weekend? What?
Dr. Eric Foreman: We just destroyed two peoples' lives.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm not allowed to run errands anymore?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'd like to see some sign that it affects you or on that you recognize that it affects other people.
Dr. Robert Chase: So are you going to wear the beeper or not?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sorry, can't.


"House M.D.: Fetal Position (#3.17)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: So... the sleep lab... you and Cameron *not* sleeping... how serious is it?
Dr. Robert Chase: It's nothing. She's only doing it to make House jealous.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then why are you doing it?
Dr. Robert Chase: Are you kidding?

Dr. Eric Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Robert Chase: [looking at a photograph of House] It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: ...He's caring.

Dr. Cameron: Anybody going to stop her?
Dr. Robert Chase: Stopping the madness is *her* job.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Somebody's gotta be Cuddy's Cuddy.

Dr. Robert Chase: How'd you like it if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. Gregory House: I'd hate it. That's why, cleverly, I have no personal life.

Dr. Robert Chase: If it were really a person, and we had no other options, we'd do an exploratory surgery. Cut into his chest and have a look around.
Dr. Gregory House: Let's do that!
[Starts to leave then stops in front of Cuddy]
Dr. Gregory House: You're the one who insists we treat it like a person... I'll put it back when I'm done.


"House M.D.: Half-Wit (#3.15)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: He paged us at five in the morning for that? I'm going back to bed, distonia's not life threatening, who needs a panel to take care of it...
Dr. Cameron: Takes conilizopan for seizures he has from a bus accident when he was ten.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then we treat with Benstrupine.
Dr. Robert Chase: [enters] What's up?
Dr. Cameron: 35 year old savant, distonia.
Dr. Robert Chase: Pfft. I'm going back to bed.
Dr. Gregory House: [appears] Where're you going?
Dr. Robert Chase: Uh... bathroom. It can wait.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There is no case, House. Even if distonia was a big medical mystery, it's not this time.
Dr. Gregory House: [shocked] And you're not intruiged as to how a perfectly healthy ten year old boy with no prior musical training gets into an accident on his way to school and can suddenly play the piano?
[Chase reaches across for the bag of breakfast, House takes it with his cane]
Dr. Robert Chase: We have to solve a 25 year old case before breakfast?
Dr. Gregory House: [looks at Chase and Cameron and their wet hair] You two shower together?
Dr. Cameron, Dr. Robert Chase: NO!
Dr. Gregory House: [looks at Forman] Double negative. It's a yes.
[Forman stares at Chase and Cameron]

Dr. Gregory House: Your turn.
Dr. Robert Chase: Do you have to do that?
Dr. Gregory House: You mean, cheapen everyone's attempt at a human moment by identifying the real calculation that go into it?
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm sorry you're dying. I'm gonna hug you. Anything to say?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything you can't finish.

Dr. Robert Chase: You can't just randomly stab the temporal lobe and hope you hit the right spot.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll only take little tiny pieces.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Until what?
Dr. Gregory House: Until I find the problem.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Or you kill him.
Dr. Gregory House: No, I'll keep going even if I killed him.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [seeing an old photo of House] He's not smiling.
Dr. Robert Chase: I wonder if he has teeth.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [searching House's place] I'll take in here. Bedroom's down the hall.
Dr. Robert Chase: You've been here?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Where else would the bedroom be?
Dr. Robert Chase: Come with?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're scared of him catching us breaking into his home, but you're not scared of him catching us doing it in his bed?
Dr. Robert Chase: [to himself] If I'm gonna get fired anyway...


"House M.D.: Small Sacrifices (#7.8)" (2010)
Dr. Chris Taub: He hasn't had hallucinations.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about *him* with a capital O-M-G.
Dr. Robert Chase: You want us to do a differential diagnosis on Jesus?

Dr. Chris Taub: Chickens aren't roosting. She's just got a friend. A guy she met in an online support group for cheating spouses.
Dr. Robert Chase: I've heard of that group. It's called "irony."
Dr. Chris Taub: You think she's cheating on her spouse with someone from a cheating spouse support group?
Dr. Robert Chase: Sounds like the perfect place to hit on vulnerable women.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not here to be your wingman.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'll be your wingman this time.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I didn't come here to get laid.
Dr. Robert Chase: Then don't. Talking to beautiful women isn't nearly as much fun as watching Taub not talking to his wife.

Dr. Robert Chase: Sorry I took off on you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Twice?
Dr. Robert Chase: First one was my bad. Second one I had no choice. It was a threesome.
Dr. Chris Taub: They're overrated.
Dr. Robert Chase, Dr. Eric Foreman: He's bluffing.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Have you seen the bride-to-be?
Dr. Robert Chase: Gorgeous woman half his age. He's a lucky guy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, for a while.
Martha Masters: My father's 19 years older than my mother and they've been happily married for 32 years.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm guessing your dad wasn't on the Forbes 400 and your mom didn't look like a swimsuit model.
[Masters stares hard at him]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sorry, that didn't come out right.
Martha Masters: My father was the classics chair at Columbia and my mother was his student... His gorgeous student.


"House M.D.: Massage Therapy (#7.4)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: I get it. You're jealous of my new cane, so you hired a new doctor that you could lean on.
Dr. Robert Chase: Exactly. Nothing to do with the fact that you instructed me to hire one. Dr. House this is Dr. Kelly Benedict. Your new fellow.

Dr. Robert Chase: Oh... and she's not like Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: True. Cameron had much smaller breasts, by which I mean she was smarter.

Dr. Gregory House: Now, some *person* seemed to think that I was not being fair to you in our last DDX, because I made you nervous. So this time I'm gonna put you at ease.
[House puts two chairs facing each other]
Dr. Gregory House: It's just you and old Doc House, couple of pals chittin' the chat.
Dr. Robert Chase: Why not just place her chair above a trapdoor with a shark tank underneath?
Dr. Gregory House: Because Wednesday's when I get my shark tank cleaned. And also because I'm giving her a chance.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're giving her a test.
Dr. Gregory House: This whole job is a test. I'm giving her the chance to fail sooner rather than later... or pass.

Dr. Robert Chase: [about Kelly Benedict] What? You like her now?
Dr. Gregory House: Nope. But she got me to the right answer which none of the rest of you did. If you want to give her another shot, go for it.
Dr. Robert Chase: Okay. I will.
Dr. Gregory House: Great. It'll make it easier for you to sleep with her. Come on, why else would you have hired her?
Dr. Robert Chase: That's *not* why I hired her!

Dr. Gregory House: So, while you're cooking up some ideas of your own, allow me to present theory 2.0 of why Chase hired you. Dr. Kelly, meet your doppelganger.
[shows wrong slide]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, no. Hold on a second.
[shows another slide]
Dr. Robert Chase: Come on, House.
Dr. Chris Taub: Is that... That's Baby Chase and his mom. That's adorable.
Dr. Gregory House: Never mind the baby. Peep the babe. Note the cheekbones and eye shape.
Dr. Chris Taub: They do actually look alike.
Dr. Gregory House: I know what you're thinking, "Chase wants to sleep with his mom." But who wouldn't hit that, if that looked like that? It's a classic case of what Freud called...


"House M.D.: Recession Proof (#7.14)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: File says he's a Real Estate Developer. Could've been exposed to something visiting a construction site.
Martha Masters: He's lying.
[Everyone stares at Masters]
Martha Masters: He's not an executive. I saw his hands. There covered with calluses and cuts. He works with them - a lot.
Dr. Gregory House: Stand up.
[Masters slowly rises. House hugs her]
Martha Masters: Oh.
Dr. Gregory House: Our little girl is finally growing up. I mean you dream of this day, and when it finally happens... So what did Mr. Meathook say when you called him a liar?
Martha Masters: I didn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Baby steps. Go down there and do it.

Bert: Haven't you ever done something in a relationship that you wished you could take back?
Dr. Robert Chase: ...Maybe.
Bert: How'd you handle it?
Dr. Robert Chase: I told her the truth - eventually.
Bert: How'd that work out?
Dr. Robert Chase: Not well.

Martha Masters: I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought, there'll be plenty of time for that in the future... but now - when I do want them - I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish a relationship in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient?
Dr. Robert Chase: ...Be honest with her. If it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope: side with hope.

Martha Masters: We need to ask you a few questions. Alone, if you don't mind... Uh, they tend to be personal in nature...
Diane: I'm his wife. I can probably answer them better than he can.
Martha Masters: They're about his job.
Diane: Well, what does that matter? He sits in an office all day.
Bert: Honey, take a break. It's okay.
Diane: No! Seriously, if there's something really wrong with him, I want to know about it.
Martha Masters: It's not...
Dr. Robert Chase: Our questions are about what he eats for lunch at work and what comes out at the end. Bowel movements mostly. Color, texture, smell.
Diane: Okay.
Bert: Pretty sure you can't help with that.
Diane: Maybe I could use a break.
[to Chase]
Diane: Thank you for your honesty.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're welcome.

Martha Masters: Taub and Foreman done? I'm hitching a ride with them.
Dr. Robert Chase: Me, too.
Martha Masters: You're not picking up your date?
Dr. Robert Chase: No, going solo. All those meaningless relationships tend to wear a guy out after a while.


"House M.D.: Human Error (#3.24)" (2007)
Dr. Robert Chase: Any pain?
Esteban: No. I'm just sunburned.
Dr. Robert Chase: Any blurred vision?
Esteban: No. So, my wife, she is with Dr House?
Dr. Robert Chase: She's with another doctor who is part of Dr House's team.
Esteban: No, she's supposed to see Dr House. We have permission.
Dr. Robert Chase: That's the way it works with Dr House.
Esteban: I came a thousand miles to see him!
Dr. Robert Chase: He doesn't care. I'm sorry, but that's who he is. That's who you risked your life to see. And you made the right choice.

Dr. Robert Chase: Foreman's not going anywhere.
Dr. Gregory House: He said that to you?
Dr. Robert Chase: He doesn't really want to leave. And you don't really want to let him. You'll cave. Just like you did with Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron. But, of course, who is?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [sternly] I'm in the room.

Dr. Robert Chase: This isn't gonna work! He's not a moron! You can't just agree with everything he says for two days and hope he forgets the last three years and how much he hates you.
Dr. Gregory House: Anything else?

Dr. Robert Chase: I don't really care if Foreman stays or goes, but...
Dr. Gregory House: You're fired.
Dr. Robert Chase: [stammers] What, because I yelled at you?
Dr. Gregory House: Because you've been here the longest, learned all you can, or you haven't learned anything at all. Either way, it's time for a change.
Dr. Robert Chase: Fine.

Dr. Eric Foreman: No tumors in her arm. Synovial membrane's working fine.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No hot spots. No bone cancer. Maybe we should be looking for something else.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [Chase walks in wearing his coat, carrying a bag, some books and an umbrella] Is it raining out?
Dr. Robert Chase: House fired me.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because you yelled at him?
Dr. Robert Chase: "Time for a change" was the official explanation.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It makes no sense.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Since when does House make sense?
Dr. Allison Cameron: He always makes sense.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's angry.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yes, it's all about you, Foreman. He's upset you're leaving so he fires Chase.


"House M.D.: The Tyrant (#6.3)" (2009)
Dr. Robert Chase: [Speaking of Taub and Thirteen] What happened to them?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He quit, and I had to let her go.
Dr. Robert Chase: You actually fired your girlfriend?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yes. You two are both competent, and I know I can work with you.

Dr. Robert Chase: How's it going with you? It worried me when you joked about letting that man shoot Dibala.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I wasn't joking.
Dr. Robert Chase: You can't want to kill anyone. Especially not your own patient.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's only natural to feel he should...
Dr. Robert Chase: No! It's completely *un*natural. Only psychopaths can kill other people without some kind of breakdown.

Dibala: [Speaking of Cameron] I did her a favor. I showed her her true character.
Dr. Robert Chase: She's a better person than you are.
Dibala: She's too weak to act on her beliefs. That is not her fault. Most everyone is. Even my own advisors. My own Colonel. All they do is negotiate, and debate and sign treaties. They are appeasers. All the while we are beset by assassins and traitors, the scum.

Dr. Robert Chase: Your choice is to send bands of drunk crazed children to massacre an entire people?
Dibala: Don't ask me questions you don't want to know the answers to.
Dr. Robert Chase: I saved your life. I deserve to know what you're planning to...
Dibala: Whatever it takes to protect my country!

Dr. Robert Chase: If the cops are going to come for me, please warn me. So I can tell my wife first.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Chase... you really think you can kill another human being without consequences to yourself?
Dr. Robert Chase: No.


"House M.D.: Saviors (#5.21)" (2009)
Dr. Robert Chase: So I shouldn't be at all concerned that you're treating another doctor's patient for hiccups instead of going on a vacation I spent a week planning.
Dr. Allison Cameron: ...There's a reason I need to stay with this case a while longer. But... I can't tell you what it is.
Dr. Robert Chase: So you admit you lied to me. Now you're asking me to trust you?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yes.
Dr. Robert Chase: ...Okay.

Dr. Robert Chase: Do you think Cameron's in love with House?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That is a ridiculous question. She is in love with you.
Dr. Robert Chase: Are you in love with House?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That... is an even more ridiculous question.
Dr. Robert Chase: Two questions, zero answers. I can extrapolate from that.

Dr. Allison Cameron: This... has nothing to do with House.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, well it has nothing to do with me either, not anymore... Let me know when I can pick up my things.

Dr. Robert Chase: Are- are you proposing to me?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm
[Cameron exhales]
Dr. Allison Cameron: proposing that you propose to me.
Dr. Robert Chase: After I broke up with you? After you ruined my planned proposal? You expect to...
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm not expecting... hoping.
[Long pause. Chase walks to Cameron, slight pause. then he gets down on one knee. and holds her hand]
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yes!


"House M.D.: Larger Than Life (#7.9)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: [about Masters] God! She's still talking. Make it stop.
Dr. Robert Chase: House's world view doesn't include random acts of self-sacrifice. He's gonna count heroism as a symptom until proven otherwise.

Dr. Robert Chase: [to Taub] So she's not cheating on you, and you're getting all the action you can handle. I don't see the downside.

Eva: Do you think we could consult with him?
Dr. Robert Chase: I didn't know you knew Dr. Taub.
Eva: I don't.
Dr. Robert Chase: You saw the ads.
Eva: Look, no offense, but you were wrong yesterday. And they wouldn't have made him the face of the hospital if he weren't really good, right?
Dr. Robert Chase: Dr. Taub. The patient would like to see you.
Dr. Chris Taub: How can I help?

Dr. Robert Chase: You think Taub really comes across as the most trustworthy doctor here?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I knew it was bugging you.
Dr. Robert Chase: They cut me out.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a pretty boy. Works well with the ladies, not so much with the patients. No one wants an underwear model performing their splenectomy.
Dr. Robert Chase: I notice they weren't exactly knocking down your door looking for Dr. Trustworthy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's 'cause I'm black. Cortisol levels look normal. We were wrong. Which House will interpret as him being right. He's gonna make us biopsy the pituitary gland.
Dr. Robert Chase: You seem pretty calm for a guy who's surrounded by racists.
Dr. Eric Foreman: 80% of the Princeton population is white. Some are racist, some aren't. White works with both demographics.
Dr. Robert Chase: So race is your excuse, not the fact that you usually look like you're about to punch someone in the face?
Dr. Eric Foreman: We're good.


"House M.D.: Cane and Able (#3.2)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: [a patient who believes he's abducted by aliens goes missing] The kid's not in his room.
Dr. Gregory House: Foreman you take Alpha Centauri, Chase can check Tatooine and Cameron can setup an Intergalactic Checkpoint.

Dr. Robert Chase: Hey, Foreman. Yo' Momma's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backin' up...

[the team has discovered a piece of metal lodged in the back of the patient's neck]
Dr. Gregory House: The results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.
Dr. Robert Chase: Really?
Dr. Gregory House: No, you idiot. It's titanium.

Todd: [as his son's having a seizure] I thought you got it all!
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, yell at me. That'll fix the kid.


"House M.D.: Office Politics (#7.6)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're arguing Dugan's politics are a sign that he's mentally compromised?
Dr. Robert Chase: No. His tactics. He's most likely the one who leaked it. And all the commentators are saying Anderson will catch a major backlash.

Dr. Eric Foreman: So you're holding a grudge, because she chose a different school?
Dr. Chris Taub: We talked for an hour. She didn't remember me. She remembers the 20th digit of some math constant, but she doesn't remember a guy she had a one-on-one meeting with.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, I barely remember you.
Dr. Chris Taub: Mystery solved. Now we can all go back to our lives.

Dr. Chris Taub: Is that guy seriously using the toilet? Oh, my God, he's sitting down.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Don't try to change the subject. Did you sleep with her?
Dr. Chris Taub: No wonder he's in jail. Anyone who would do that has no shame.
Dr. Robert Chase: Or maybe he tried to sleep with her, and she shot him down.
Dr. Chris Taub: I don't know her. Is he grunting? I think I hear grunting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You realize we're not gonna drop this.
Dr. Chris Taub: I didn't sleep with her. I interviewed her for Hopkins Med School.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So you're holding a grudge because she chose a different school?
Dr. Chris Taub: We talked for an hour. She didn't remember me. She remembers the 20th digit of some math constant, but she doesn't remember a guy she had a one-on-one meeting with.
Dr. Robert Chase: I barely remember you.
Dr. Chris Taub: Mystery solved. Now we can all go back to our lives.
[Toilet flash sounds]

Martha Masters: We treat with chemotherapy or steroids.
Dr. Gregory House: We treat with chemotherapy.
Martha Masters: I said chemo.
Dr. Gregory House: And then you said "or."
Dr. Robert Chase: Once again, the bunny meets the blade.
Dr. Gregory House: The road to dead patients is paved with "or's." Chemo is the more effective treatment, which means it will confirm our diagnosis more quickly...
Martha Masters: I agree, but there is another option.
Dr. Gregory House: There are lots of other options. There's bloodletting, crystals, prayer...
Martha Masters: Another medically accepted option.
Dr. Gregory House: Which is both less effective and less scary. So the patient might just choose it. Unless, of course, we don't mention it to him.
Martha Masters: We can't withhold information. If we explain both the benefits and the risks of each treatment, I'm sure Dugan will choose chemo.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're sure.
Martha Masters: [to Dugan] The better option is chemotherapy. It's faster and more likely to completely cure you.
Joe Dugan: I'll take the steroids.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, my goodness. If only someone could have predicted that you'd make that incredibly stupid decision.


"House M.D.: Don't Ever Change (#4.12)" (2008)
Dr. Robert Chase: You want more time? Joshua got God to make the sun stand still. No reason God can't speed it up. And, by God, I of course mean you.
Dr. Gregory House: I told you we needed you.

Dr. Gregory House: [after Chase explains the patient's decision to wait 8 hours despite being advised against it by a rabbi] Nice work, Chase!
Dr. Robert Chase: [sarcastically] Yeah, I should have had twin rabbis called.

Dr. Robert Chase: Why do you need me?
Dr. Gregory House: Because saying "Nice work, Chase," is far less effective if you're not here.


"House M.D.: Insensitive (#3.14)" (2007)
Dr. Robert Chase: Happy Valentine's Day.
Dr. Allison Cameron: A holiday that only applies to people who are already paired up. For everyone else, it's Wednesday.
Dr. Robert Chase: Wow. Thank you for that dash of cold water.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Hannah, you're having a paranoid delusion.
Hannah Morganthal: I don't believe you.
Dr. Robert Chase: [to Cameron] Did you think she would?

[last lines]
Dr. Allison Cameron: So I'm thinking we should have sex.
Dr. Robert Chase: That makes sense.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Despite the wisdom of pop songs there's no point in putting our lives on hold until love comes along. We're both healthy and busy people, and we work together so it's convenient.
Dr. Robert Chase: Like microwave pizza?
Dr. Allison Cameron: And of all the people I work with you're the one I'm least likely to fall in love with.
Dr. Robert Chase: Like microwave pizza.
Dr. Allison Cameron: The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Some day there'll be a time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we've already had sex once and didn't get weird about it, so...
Dr. Robert Chase: I get it, I get it. So, what if I'm offended by your judgment?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Then you're not the man I'm looking for.


"House M.D.: Last Temptation (#7.19)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: Once this case is over, you going back to surgery?
Martha Masters: That's the plan.
Dr. Robert Chase: I think that's a mistake. I think you should go back to surgery.
Martha Masters: I just said I was.
Dr. Robert Chase: No. You said it was your plan. Which means House might be right. You might be lying to yourself.
Martha Masters: Would it be so terrible? You chose House over surgery.
Dr. Robert Chase: My time here has *changed* me. In ways not everyone in my life thought was for the better.

Dr. Robert Chase: I think when you *do* change, it's not so simple to go back.

Dr. Robert Chase: What's with the sudden interest in her future?
Dr. Gregory House: You know, a blacksmith who spends this much time hammering out a new blade from raw Jell-O, he gets curious about who ends up wielding it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No reason to be curious unless you're interested in wielding it yourself. You want her to intern here.


"House M.D.: Spin (#2.6)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: Go forth and scan his neck.
Dr. Robert Chase: His neck?
Dr. Gregory House: Or repeat everything I say in question form.

Dr. Robert Chase: You were right.
Dr. Gregory House: Now there were three wasted words.

Dr. Robert Chase: We take drugs to help us fall asleep, to stay awake...
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah but we don't make careers out of who can stay awake the longest.
Dr. Robert Chase: Really? Ever been to uh, I dunno... Med School?


"House M.D.: Lockdown (#6.16)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: You had a conversation with House, and came back, informed me I had been forever poisoned by him, and started packing.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Intesting how your story leaves out the part where you murdered another human being.

Dr. Robert Chase: Just tell me the truth.
Dr. Allison Cameron: About what?
Dr. Robert Chase: Did you ever love me?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I don't know!
Dr. Robert Chase: Thank you for finally telling me.

Dr. Allison Cameron: I still don't know why I said that. It's not even true. I did love you. Just... not in a way that would have ever worked.
Dr. Robert Chase: Why not?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because everything you said is true. I'm a mess. I married a man I knew was dying. So... God knows how screwed up I already was. Him dying messed me up even more. I pushed you out of my life. And I'm-I'm un-unfixable. Not you.


"House M.D.: Out of the Chute (#7.16)" (2011)
Martha Masters: Wait. I understand the booze and hookers, but why vicodin?
Dr. Robert Chase: [Everyone stares at Masters] Wow. You *really* don't have any friends in here, do you?

Martha Masters: It wasn't *that* ridiculous a theory.
Dr. Gregory House: Great theory. It's a ridiculous test. You can't give a standard balance test to a champion bull rider. If you're gonna test Superman's strength, you need a bigger bar bell. Find one, make him lift it. Then call me and tell me how high it got... And tell Cuddy spying is for cowards.
[Ends the call]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Just keep me posted.
Dr. Eric Foreman, Dr. Robert Chase: I will.

Carnell: House...
Dr. Gregory House: I like you, Carnell.
[phone rings]
Dr. Gregory House: Don't ruin it.
[picks up a phone]
Dr. Gregory House: Stinky feet, could point to diabetes, athlete's foot or gangrene. Pick one.
Carnell: No!
Dr. Chris Taub: Uh, none. None of those cause bloody sputum or disappearing masses.
Carnell: No, no, no! No! You are going to kill her.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't do that Carnell. They might get the idea that I'm shooting at a hooker. Fungal infection causes ulceration between the toes. Bleeding can be from recurring abscesses that appear to be recurring masses.
Martha Masters: Symptoms in the head or feet mean the infection would have to be in the heart or the brain.
Dr. Chris Taub: I say we start by looking in the heart because looking at his brain with a metal plate is problematic.
Dr. Robert Chase: So is MRI-ing his heart. He's got a seven centimeter conductive metal rod holding his rib together.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It'll rip him in two.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it'll just feel like it's ripping him in two, which is much better.
Dr. Chris Taub: We could minimize the damage by injecting ice-water into his abdominal cavity.
Carnell: No! Please, no!
[House shoots an arrow and Carnell finds an arrow sticking Sarah's body, bleeding]
Carnell: Oh, God!
Dr. Gregory House: Opps. Got to go.
Carnell: Call an ambulance!
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Carnell: What do you mean, why! She's hurt!
Dr. Gregory House: She doesn't look hurt.
[Sarah starts laughing]
Carnell: No, you didn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, we did.
Carnell: [Sarah shows the trick] You're an ass.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, go get me General Patton's Colt .45. The one with two notches.


"House M.D.: The Dig (#7.18)" (2011)
Dr. Eric Foreman: House says he's going to be out for the next 3 days.
Dr. Robert Chase: Sweet! If I make it straight to the airport, I can make Cabo before the last call.

Martha Masters: This guy kept everything he ever came to into contact with. An interactive life history.
Dr. Robert Chase: It's an indiscriminate pile of rubbish.
Martha Masters: Well,for the most part, so are our lives.

Martha Masters: There has to be some kind of inciting psychological incident.
Dr. Robert Chase: This is perfect for you. You get all the human interaction you crave without any actual human interaction.
Martha Masters: She was a cheerleader. Hah.
Dr. Robert Chase: You know, when you're interested in something and nobody else is, the polite thing is to keep it to yourself.
Martha Masters: Popular, beautiful, gregarious.
Dr. Robert Chase: Hydrogen sulphide is about two parts per billion, the the size of healthy fart. I'll be back for you in July.


"House M.D.: Emancipation (#5.8)" (2008)
[as Foreman rushes away from them]
Dr. Robert Chase: I think we gave him an idea.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Or he's off to kill House.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I've looked down one end and up the other. All tests came back clean. I can't figure this out.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You can't? Don't you work with three other doctors, and a grouchy gimp?
Dr. Eric Foreman: This isn't House's case.
Dr. Robert Chase: [pause. Chase takes the folder] Just so you know, whatever you're trying to prove, it won't be enough.

Dr. Robert Chase: There's a point when Cameron and I aren't enough.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We're not there!


"House M.D.: A Pox on Our House (#7.7)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: This isn't Cuddy. Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.
Dr. Gregory House: [waves his hand in front of Chase] These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Dr. Gregory House: You know how you can tell there's nothing to be done? Chase showed up.
Dr. Robert Chase: I was here at 9.

Dr. Robert Chase: So if he responds to treatment, that proves he doesn't have smallpox.
Dr. Chris Taub: Then what does the daughter have?
Dr. Robert Chase: Damn. I was hoping you weren't gonna ask me that. Can we please just focus on the disease we've just diagnosed, and can treat?


"House M.D.: Humpty Dumpty (#2.3)" (2005)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Maybe we were right to begin with: his problems are all caused by DIC precipitated by falling off of my roof.
Dr. Robert Chase: DIC wouldn't cause a fever this high.
Dr. Gregory House: See. My lapdog agrees with me.

[about Cuddy]
Dr. Robert Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been... nasty.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.

Dr. Gregory House: [while going through Dr. Cuddy's underwear drawer] Oh my God... She's got pictures of you in here. Just you. It's like some kind of weird shrine.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're kidding.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.
[Closes drawer]


"House M.D.: Deception (#2.9)" (2005)
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's the irony of change, they don't like other women in charge. What, you think it's something else?
Dr. Robert Chase: You sabotaged yourself. You went on a date with House, you slept with me. Putting you in charge of this department is like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah, they're really worried that I'm going to create a hostile work environment.
Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe that's the problem. Being in charge means having say no to House. Would you hire you for that?

Dr. Robert Chase: Gambling doesn't take away his pain.
Dr. Gregory House: [enters] It does if I win.

Dr. Robert Chase: I'd give her two months.
Dr. Gregory House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.


"House M.D.: Autopsy (#2.2)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: We've got a patient who for no obvious reason is hallucinating. Since it's not obvious, I thought we'd go with subtle.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It doesn't matter. If her sat percentage is off, that means her blood isn't getting enough oxygen; that's a problem with her lungs, not her heart.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And a lung problem isn't causing hallucinations.
Dr. Robert Chase: But the lungs could lead us somewhere that is.
Dr. Gregory House: Welcome to the end of the thought process.

Dr. Robert Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth.

Dr. Gregory House: [Smugly] You did it, didn't you?
Dr. Robert Chase: It... it wasn't sick. It was just one kiss. One kiss for a dying girl.
[Cameron puts her hands over her mouth and gets a disgusted look on her face. Foreman turns away in disgust]
Dr. Robert Chase: One kiss. Thank you. Thanks.


"House M.D.: Cursed (#1.13)" (2005)
Jeffrey Reilich: You're treating him for both diseases?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Covering all the bases.
Jeffrey Reilich: What, throw everything against the wall and see what sticks?
Dr. Robert Chase: Works for spaghetti.

Dr. Gregory House: But the patient's getting better.
Dr. Robert Chase: In *spite* of the Cytoxan.
Dr. Gregory House: On the other hand... getting better.
Dr. Robert Chase: Cytoxan makes him more susceptible to infection. The anthrax could relapse and be more resistant.
Dr. Gregory House: Better!

Dr. Cameron: You know, parents are never as bad as kids think they are.
Dr. Robert Chase: You like my dad so much, ask him out.
Dr. Cameron: I'd make an excellent step-mom - I'm very lenient.
[pauses]
Dr. Cameron: He's your father, you never see him, and he's here. Unless he's done some unspeakable thing, you should lighten up.
Dr. Robert Chase: Right, thanks for the tip.
Dr. Cameron: Okay.
[pauses]
Dr. Cameron: He beat your mom.
[pauses again]
Dr. Cameron: He beat you.
[pauses then again. No answer]
Dr. Cameron: What did he do?
Dr. Robert Chase: Really. Don't push it.
Dr. Cameron: All this hate. It's toxic.
Dr. Robert Chase: Then stay away.


"House M.D.: Brave Heart (#6.5)" (2009)
Dr. Robert Chase: I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.
[Chase sighs]
Dr. Robert Chase: I've crossed some line, and I'm having trouble getting back to the other side.

Dr. Gregory House: You've a little devil on your shoulder told you to kill a guy. And you've got a little angel won't shut up. Telling you, you're going to burn in a lake of fire.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm fine!
Dr. Gregory House: You shouldn't be! Talk to someone. Docs fixed me up in 7 weeks. You're... 10 minutes, tops.

Dr. Robert Chase: I needed to get wasted - I did, and now I'm better.


"House M.D.: House Divided (#5.22)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: [trying to talk Chase into a depraved bachelor party] You are going to commit to that one special woman forever, which is beautiful. But if your commitment the day *after* the wedding is the same as your commitment the day before, then the wedding meant nothing. So, and I can see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're evil. See ya.

Dr. Robert Chase: Cameron is not going to be happy about this party.
Dr. Gregory House: But you on the other hand...
Dr. Robert Chase: Plan on spending the rest of my life with Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: So... I need the cancel the Fart Band?
Dr. Robert Chase: So I need you to kidnap me.
Dr. Gregory House: Spoken like a true Aussie.

Immigration Officer #2: [to Cameron] I'm sorry ma'am, illegals only.
Dr. Robert Chase: [as the officers are taking him away] I'm - I'm sure it's a mistake. I'll call you as soon as I know what's going on.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [Quietly to Foreman] Don't let House get him into too much trouble.


"House M.D.: The Choice (#6.19)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: Just like most straight marriages. He's got the right to life liberty and unhappiness - like the rest of us.

Dr. Robert Chase: If history is written by the victor, how do we find out what really happened?
Dr. Gregory House: Talk to the loser.

Dr. Robert Chase: We don't want to do it either. But Wilson already paid us.
Dr. Gregory House: It's gonna suck.
Dr. Robert Chase: I know.
Dr. Gregory House: Where and when?


"House M.D.: Known Unknowns (#6.6)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Maybe this is House's way of telling you to talk to her.
Dr. Robert Chase: Sure. How was your day, honey? By the way, I killed someone.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Hey! Are you trying to kill yourself? It's from the same batch the girls ate.
Dr. Robert Chase: They ate what he ate. And what a hundred other healthy people ate. Dig in. Lunch is on the Adams.

[last lines]
Dr. Allison Cameron: If you don't want to tell... okay. But I could help. Whatever this is, it's eating away at you. We could get past it together. I love you no matter what.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Long pause] We lose patients sometimes. One of those patients... Dibala... we didn't ac- we didn't actually lose him... I killed him.


"House M.D.: Parents (#8.6)" (2011)
Dr. Gregory House: I'm going to say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on - not the ex-wife you cheated with. Because if the latter was prone to violence, you would've been scattered across various dumpsters years ago.
Dr. Chris Taub: [Looking around to the rest of the team] Seriously? No one wants to talk about the patient? New office furniture, we need a new topic.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Pulling out his wallet] What's the action on the ex-wife?

Dr. Jessica Adams: The part where he said that baby doesn't need *you*. You've only got her a few days a week. And most of that is spent with a rotating cast of nurses.
Dr. Robert Chase: That's how daddy likes to spend his time too.
Dr. Chris Taub: Shut up!

Dr. Robert Chase: You know how I got interested in medicine? When my mother drank, she couldn't handle me, so she locked me in my father's study. Only so many hours you can cry and bang the door before you give up and try and find something to read. We all have family disfunction. That's why we're so successful- to fill the hole.


"House M.D.: Private Lives (#6.14)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: How good looking am I? I'm not asking if you're attracted to me. I'm looking for an objective answer.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Oh, okay then it's an appropriate question.
Dr. Robert Chase: Last night, I acted like a complete tosser to prove to House that women don't go out with me for my looks. Cost me a hundred buck, and my definition of myself... and women.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: So date men. They're not shallow at all.

Dr. James Wilson: I'm looking to get something on House.
Dr. Robert Chase: Couldn't you just... ask the love nmyphs for the secret?
Dr. James Wilson: Don't! My mission - is to find something that House would not like to see made public and make it public.
Dr. Robert Chase: Him? But you know him better than anyone. Why wouldn you need my help?
Dr. James Wilson: House would never leave anything secret around the condo. But you've worked in the same office with him on and off for years.


"House M.D.: Safe (#2.16)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: Melinda's dying.
Dr. Gregory House: We're all dying. How fast?

Dr. Robert Chase: We're going to need a semen sample. You can use the bathroom over there.
Dan: Right... uh... how do I...
Dr. Allison Cameron: Aim and shoot.
[Dan walks off]
Dr. Robert Chase: No thinking about Dr Cameron - we'll know.


"House M.D.: Informed Consent (#3.3)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: [looking through a microscope as House comes] It's not Kawasaki's either. What's next?
Dr. Gregory House: Congo red.
Dr. Robert Chase: Amyloidosis?
Dr. Gregory House: What the hell else would I mean by "congo red"?

Dr. Gregory House: What's the largest organ?
Dr. Robert Chase: Skin.
Dr. Gregory House: We need to get a piece.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [sarcastically to Chase] Sure. We'll just... wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece!


"House M.D.: Babies & Bathwater (#1.18)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: [responds to Foreman's dog metaphor describing House's actions] Dogs can learn things. House can't.

Dr. Robert Chase: You seen House?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [half-chuckles] Look for a shallow grave with Vogler standing over it.


"House M.D.: Daddy's Boy (#2.5)" (2005)
Dr. Cameron: Why would you need $5,000?
Dr. Robert Chase: Bad night at poker or a great night with a hooker.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.

Dr. Allison Cameron: You're not curious?
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm curious about crocs, but I don't stick my head in their mouths.


"House M.D.: Top Secret (#3.16)" (2007)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Where were you two when the guy woke up?
Dr. Robert Chase: Ahm... we just... stepped out for a second.
Dr. Eric Foreman: To do what?
Dr. Robert Chase: To get a coffee, we've been up most of the night.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's just pushing to make sure we get the complete history. Obviously, we're missing something or we'd have the answer.
[Foreman looks suspiciously at Cameron]
Dr. Eric Foreman: You didn't have any coffee when you came back.
Dr. Allison Cameron: All right already, we confess. You caught us, we snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex, we shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working and we're sorry, now can me move on?
[Chase looks shocked, Foreman starts laughing]
Dr. Eric Foreman: House would do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No you would do House AND Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Dr. Robert Chase: [defensive] She did me once!
Dr. Eric Foreman: She was stoned!
[continues laughing]

Dr. Robert Chase: You can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.
Dr. Gregory House: Where's his mouth been?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He says he hasn't performed oral sex on anyone in more than a year.
Dr. Gregory House: Selfish bastard!


"House M.D.: You Must Remember This (#7.12)" (2011)
Nadia: [House moves her cup] Why are you doing that?
Dr. Gregory House: More important question is, why are you?
Nadia: [moves her cup back] It's just a habit.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a habit that compels you in an obsessive way that's so bad it's a disorder.
Nadia: I don't have OCD.
Dr. Robert Chase: Each brain with OCD has its own way of filtering it. Some people wash their hands and hoard TV Guides, you do puzzles and hoard memories.
Dr. Gregory House: So what we thought was a gift, was just you literally obsessing over your own life.
Nadia: That's why I can't stop the memories even when I try. But everything else? My kidneys...
Dr. Gregory House: Your memory was a symptom of a symptom of a larger disease. You have McLeod's syndrome. It's rare genetic disorder that affects the nervous system, blood and can cause OCD.

Dr. Robert Chase: You said there was a second case.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh. Yeah, thanks.
[shows Taub's poster]
Dr. Chris Taub: Oh.
Dr. Gregory House: The case of the 45-year-old doctor who just failed his pathology re-certification exam is going to lose his board certification and get fired.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How did you fail it? You spend half your life in the lab.
Dr. Chris Taub: I was recovering from the flu. I'm retaking it next week. It's not an issue.
Dr. Gregory House: Normally, I'd let Darwinism run its course, but Cuddy's in a big tizzy about her poster boy getting canned. So, how are we gonna get the short guy off the short bus?
Martha M. Masters: What about a tutor?
Dr. Chris Taub: I don't need a tutor.
Dr. Gregory House: Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hardass.
Dr. Chris Taub: Foreman.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Interesting.
Dr. Gregory House: You must be more worried than you look.


"House M.D.: Under My Skin (#5.23)" (2009)
Dr. Robert Chase: Technically she dies because House has some personal stuff to work through, *and* we weren't smart enough to get the answer without him.

Dr. Allison Cameron: I-I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you. That's how I feel right now. But... I don't... know...
Dr. Robert Chase: I'll wait until you do.
[Starts to leave]
Dr. Allison Cameron: I ca- I *can't* know. No - no one knows!
Dr. Robert Chase: I do.


"House M.D.: Birthmarks (#5.4)" (2008)
Dr. Allison Cameron: What do you think House would send, the "Gentle Comfort" arrangement, or the "Warm Thoughts" bouquet? I mean, if he wasn't an ass.
Dr. Robert Chase: Send one of those giant cookies shaped like a coffin. His mom would believe it was from him.

Dr. Robert Chase: When my father died, I wound up killing a patient and I hated the man. Whatever House says or doesn't say, I'm sure the guy's a mess.


"House M.D.: Love Hurts (#1.20)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: [about Cameron and House's upcoming date] House isn't going to hand you anything. You want him, you've gotta take him. Jump him.

Dr. Robert Chase: [to Cameron, sarcastically] Yeah, I get it. House is adorable. I just want to hold onto him and never let go.


"House M.D.: One Day, One Room (#3.12)" (2007)
Dr. Wilson: Tell her the truth.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [Cut to Cameron] Tell her your life has been good.
Dr. Gregory House: It hasn't been.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Tell her anyway. She wants hope. She wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. Things can be okay, which means maybe they can be okay for her again.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [Cut to Foreman] Tell her your life sucked.
Dr. Gregory House: It didn't.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone. She wants to know she's gonna survive this, that other people have been through this and worse and come out the other end. She wants to know she's gonna heal. Act like... you healed.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Cut to Chase] Tell her... Keep her asleep.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks. You've all been a huge help.

Dr. Robert Chase: There's no wrong answer, because there's no right answer.


"House M.D.: No Reason (#2.24)" (2006)
[first lines]
Dr. Gregory House: He's got a temperature of 103.
Dr. Robert Chase: Why do we care?
Dr. Gregory House: Because we're humans, we work like that.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [at House's hospital bed] Test was negative.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No trash against the fence.
[he looks at his papers]
Dr. Allison Cameron: Is your leg really better?
Dr. Gregory House: [distracted] Don't worry; I'm sure something else is wrong.
Dr. Robert Chase: We did find blood.
[House looks up and eyes Chase]
Dr. Gregory House: On which side?
Dr. Robert Chase: [walking around] The wrong side.
Dr. Gregory House: First thing that makes sense.
Dr. Robert Chase: The wrong side's the wrong side; it can't make sense.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It'd mess with his brain. Wouldn't cause fever.
[eyes Moriarty]
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's been sleeping a lot lately.
Dr. Gregory House: [looks up at her] You worried? I marked a change of meds on his chart.
[sighs]
Dr. Gregory House: Foreign object. Body wants to get rid of it. It causes the fever.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [in monotone disbelief] Blood's a foreign object?
Dr. Eric Foreman: In the brain lining, it is. Blood dyscrasia means cancer.
Dr. Gregory House: Find it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: All the tests...
Dr. Gregory House: have been negative! What do you do if your trash cans are full? You use your neighbor's trash cans. Except it's still light outside. Your neighbor will see you. So you go out the back way, into an alley, and drop off your trash by their garage.
Dr. Robert Chase: We'll check the lymphatic system in the chest.
[turns and starts walking]
Dr. Gregory House: [looks at him astonished] You got that from trash cans in the alley?
Dr. Robert Chase: [stops to speak] The saliva glands from the tongue are connected to the lymphatic system in the lungs. It's the next lymphatic system over.
Dr. Gregory House: [scans the team] Yeah. Go get lung lymph.
[Everyone leaves]
Jack Moriarty: [woken up] How did he know that?
Dr. Gregory House: I wouldn't have hired him if he wasn't smart.
Jack Moriarty: Right. Because you have nothing but respect for him. Maybe he knew the answer because the question wasn't nearly as tricky as you thought.
[House considers this]
Jack Moriarty: Maybe he's not getting smarter. You're getting dumber.
[cut to a surgery; back to Moriarty and a fake sleeping House]
Jack Moriarty: You pretend to buck the system. Pretend to be a rebel. You claim to hate rules. But all you do is substitute your own rules for society's. And it's a nice, simple rule. Tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way and what will be will be. What will be should be. And everyone else is a coward. But you're wrong. It's not cowardly to not call someone an idiot. People aren't tactful or polite because it's nice. They do it because they've got an ounce of humility. Because they know that they will make mistakes and they know that their actions have consequences and they know that those consequences are their fault. Why do you want so bad not to be human, House?
[Cameron and Foreman come back in]
Jack Moriarty: Oh, he's awake.
Dr. Allison Cameron: House, we need to talk to you.
Dr. Gregory House: [eyes still closed] How the hell did you know I was awake?
Jack Moriarty: Your nostrils flare when you sleep.


"House M.D.: After Hours (#7.22)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: Have you talked to anyone about it?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: No, I may have an Aortic Arch Aneurism. Oh wait, that's her. Either help me or leave!

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I made a promise.
Dr. Robert Chase: You made a promise?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I will not take her to the hospital.
Dr. Robert Chase: Great. Then I will.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: No.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm gonna move you, then I'm gonna pick your friend up, carry her down to my car, take her to the hospital, and try to save her life.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: She's staying here.
Dr. Robert Chase: Move.
[pause]
Dr. Robert Chase: Move!
[moves Thirteen away]
Dr. Robert Chase: She's going to the hospital.


"House M.D.: Instant Karma (#6.4)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: The room will be filled not because of a coin flip, not because of the patient, but because House's Department screwed up. They're gonna be like sharks in a chum-filled swimming pool. And there's no way I'm jumping in unless I'm in a steel cage.
Dr. Robert Chase: So what do you want?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I want you to have everything covered.

Dr. Robert Chase: [to House] Where you want to be in charge or not, you *are*. And you always will be.


"House M.D.: DNR (#1.9)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: But if we stop everything, he'll get worse.
Dr. Gregory House: True. Then we'll add our medications back one at a time. If he gets better then we'll have our answer.
Dr. Allison Cameron: And if he doesn't get better?
Dr. Gregory House: Then we're in trouble. Not as much as he is. I suppose that's your point.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [referring to House] You make enough calls, one of them is bound to be right.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, he's just a lucky, lucky guy.


"House M.D.: Open and Shut (#6.18)" (2010)
Tom: You married?
Dr. Robert Chase: I - I was.
Tom: Did you ever agree to go see a chick flick with your wife, or pretend to enjoy classical music?
Dr. Robert Chase: Stravinskey never groped my wife in a midtown hotel room.
Tom: She needs this, I don't. I don't want her to feel bad about that.

Dr. Robert Chase: Not that I could ever do it. But I was jealous of House and Cameron, and she never touched him.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Not counting the emotional fondling.


"House M.D.: Knight Fall (#6.17)" (2010)
Dr. Gregory House: Foreman, take Frodo and break bread with the Hobbits.
Dr. Chris Taub: [Rising up] I still think Hemotoma's more likely.
Dr. Gregory House: That's why you and Chase are going to get an MRI.
Dr. Chris Taub: But you just...
Dr. Gregory House: I said "Frodo", not "Gollum."
[House leaves]
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Is he saying I have short legs, or hairy feet?
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't even know who Frodo is.

Dr. Robert Chase: You really don't think you're a knight, do you?
William: Being a knight isn't a game. It's a lifestyle. And we do it everyday. Not just when we play dress up. We live by a code and uphold ideals like: loyalty, courage, humility.
Dr. Chris Taub: And the part where you beat the crap out of each other in armor?
William: That we do for fun. At least it was, until yesterday.


"House M.D.: Acceptance (#2.1)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: How's an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Are you serious?
Dr. Gregory House: Man knows prisons. When we got a yachting question, we'll come to you.

Dr. Robert Chase: No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks completely normal.


"House M.D.: Euphoria: Part 1 (#2.20)" (2006)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Drugs?
Dr. Robert Chase: He's a cop.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Good point. How about... drugs?

Dr. Robert Chase: You want to give Foreman a brain biopsy?
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, really, who doesn't?


"House M.D.: Failure to Communicate (#2.10)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: [to Foreman] The only thing you've been asked to do is supervise House in case he does something insane.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Which might, you know, save a life.

Dr. Robert Chase: You're not my boss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm House's boss. House is your boss. The math is pretty simple.


"House M.D.: Poison (#1.8)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell"?
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm Australian.
Dr. Gregory House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.

Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll check into it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'll make the call.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'll keep the kid alive - for a while, at least.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll have lunch.


"House M.D.: Dying Changes Everything (#5.1)" (2008)
Dr. Robert Chase: You want me to do a *second* major surgery, on a patient we almost lost during a *first* major surgery, to see if she needs a *third* major surgery?

Thirteen: Then what do you suggest? Because the patient's got a high fever, a low heart rate and a dim chance of survival if we stand here like idiots.
Dr. Robert Chase: Then I suggest you don't stand there like idiots.


"House M.D.: Changes (#7.20)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: I was having tons of sex, and I was bored - hating myself. I was never going to be ready when something real came along.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So you're becoming some sort of supermonk, and I can't change at all?
Dr. Robert Chase: I challenge you to go one differential without House or anyone else getting under your skin.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Since I say nothing gets to me, and you won't take me at my word, how am I supposed to prove you wrong?
Dr. Robert Chase: I guess you can't. I hope that doesn't eat at you.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I just said treatment for both is chelation.
Dr. Gregory House: I said force diuresis and try dialysis. You need a transcript?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You wanna put him on dialysis, risk infection and hemodynamic swings, when we can just chelate?
Dr. Robert Chase: Whoa! Whoa! Settle down.
Dr. Gregory House: If we chelate, we're not gonna know what disease he had, which means we're not gonna know if the problem was in his lousy, old job or his still lousy new life, which, for the purposes of a metaphorical argument, is very important.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Pointless to argue. He's the boss, he needs his puzzle solved. Why bang our heads against a wall?
Dr. Gregory House: When you're done with the patient, treat Foreman by banging his head against a wall.


"House M.D.: Fall from Grace (#7.17)" (2011)
Martha Masters: He already jumped off a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Noticing House pass by the office] Ride some kind of... prostitute chariot to work.

Dr. Robert Chase: They say true love doesn't exist anymore. Maybe it never did. So, without further ado... Do you, Dominika Patrova, take this man to be your lawfully-wedded husband?
Dominika: I do.
Dr. Robert Chase: And do you, Gregory House, take this woman to be your lawfully-wedded wife?
Dr. Gregory House: Yep.
Dr. Robert Chase: Then by the power vested in me by the state of New Jersey just for today, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
[people clap]


"House M.D.: Unwritten (#7.3)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: Good morning gentlemen.
[Chase chuckles]
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, if it's any consolation, I didn't get any sleep either.

Dr. Gregory House: Can't let Jack Cannon end this way.
Dr. Robert Chase: We're treating a patient, not a book.


"House M.D.: Control (#1.14)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: You guys don't think it's weird House knew the patient needed a heart transplant before we did any heart tests?
Dr. Allison Cameron: That's House. He knows things.
Dr. Robert Chase: But usually he's putting it in our face, telling us how cleverly he figured it out. This time, nothing. Just "I had a hunch".

Dr. Robert Chase: [to a patient who won't give up her Blackberry in the radiology room] I'm pretty sure my X-Ray machine can take your phone in a fight. It'll fry it.


"House M.D.: Black Hole (#6.15)" (2010)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Well, it's taken over us just over an hour to prove she has a very boring subconscious.
Dr. Gregory House: Anyone ever tell you that you can be a buzzkill?
Dr. Robert Chase, Thirteen, Dr. Chris Taub: Yes.

Dr. Robert Chase: We could do a full body scan.
Dr. Gregory House: We *hate* full body scan.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And by "we" you mean you. We also hate it when patients die before we figure out what's wrong with them.
Dr. Gregory House: ...Do the scan.


"House M.D.: Need to Know (#2.11)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: Millions of women are on fertility treatments, and they don't get cancer.
Dr. Gregory House: Right. They get babies. She had a blood clot and a stroke. She'll get another one and probably die if we don't find that tumor. Do an endometrial biopsy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Biopsy's painful and unnecessary. We just did an ultrasound.
Dr. Gregory House: [squints and looks at his watch]
Dr. Eric Foreman: What?
Dr. Gregory House: Shh.
Dr. Cameron: If you have a personal issue that's interfering with...
Dr. Gregory House: [interrupts] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What are we waiting for?
Dr. Gregory House: Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine has just begun. Now go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer.
[goes into his office]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shakes his head and smiles]
Dr. Robert Chase: [looks confused] Hoo-hoo?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He went to Hopkins.

Dr. Gregory House: What does the flailing look like?
Dr. Robert Chase: Her arms spasm uncontrollably and there's a mild facial twitch.
Dr. Gregory House: Demonstration?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [in a impatient tone] You wanna know what it looks like, go see the patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Ooh, snarky. Was he like this the whole time I was gone?


"House M.D.: Act Your Age (#3.19)" (2007)
Dr. Allison Cameron: She's being abused.
Dr. Eric Foreman: A bloody t-shirt doesn't equal abuse. Kids get hurt all the time.
Dr. Robert Chase: That amount of blood?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh, crap. You two are agreeing again.

Dr. Gregory House: Somebody better be dying.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Lucy's big brother has a crush on me, so he bit the crap out of Chase.
Dr. Gregory House: Not interested.
Dr. Robert Chase: Figured you'd like to know when one of your employees gets attacked by a sociopath.
Dr. Gregory House: Bees or monkeys, yes. Sociopaths, no.


"House M.D.: Hunting (#2.7)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm not an idiot.
Dr. Gregory House: Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged-out colleague when they have a chance.

Dr. Robert Chase: When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again.


"House M.D.: The Itch (#5.7)" (2008)
Dr. Robert Chase: All right forget about the patient. What is going on with you? This is why we left House's team, to avoid the constant flood of pure craziness.
Dr. Allison Cameron: That's why I left. You got fired.

Dr. Robert Chase: You know why we spend nights at my house? Because when we spend nights at yours - I can tell you don't want me there.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why would I keep inviting you over if I didn't want you there?
Dr. Robert Chase: You always kick me out every morning. You never offered me a drawer, never cleared out your closet for me. I was just a visitor.


"House M.D.: Clueless (#2.15)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Chase, find out what the resort cooks with, if they painted recently, or did any plumbing repairs.
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't speak Spanish.
Dr. Gregory House: Then it'll be challenging.

Dr. Robert Chase: [about a couple's threesome] Another guy or girl?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Girl. His wife's college roommate.
Dr. Robert Chase: If he's not happily married, I don't know who could be.


"House M.D.: Selfish (#7.2)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: Did it ever occur to you that House is just happy, and could give a crap about other people's lives because of it?
Dr. Taub: Well, that's ironic and depressing. And by that logic, the reason you don't give a crap is because you're happy. Which means you've got someone new, giving you chew toys.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're one fourth right.
Dr. Taub: Wait! Are you saying...
[Both their pagers go off]
Dr. Taub: You're dating *four* women?

Dr. Gregory House: She's bleeding to death, out of her lung. I want to fill a quarter of it with foam. That'd stop the bleeding, all right. Thought it made more sense than diet and exercise. And if she doesn't have enough lung function left, you'll have killed her. The only alternative is slowly suturing the lung, hoping the bleeding stops in time and she doesn't die on her own. But we would walk away with clean hands. Except for all the blood.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're right. Faster and riskier is better. Foam the lung.
Dr. Robert Chase: You got a green light?
Dr. Gregory House: No. Suture the lung.


"House M.D.: Sleeping Dogs Lie (#2.18)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: This will numb you up.
[sprays a substance in Hannah's open mouth and shot cuts to Foreman watching and Max in the background, far from the doctors and patient]
Dr. Robert Chase: And this will keep your tongue out of the way. Don't worry; you shouldn't feel anything except for a slight pulling.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So, you think I was out of line?
Dr. Robert Chase: That article would've sat on House's desk for the next 6 years.
[continues with Hannah's mouth]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [softly] I could've told her.
Dr. Robert Chase: You could've written it for her, too. She knows House as well as any of us. She should've known she was waiting for him to do something he was never gonna do.
[puts instrument down; Hannah's eyes begin rapidly moving]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Chase?
[Chase turns and expression changes as he sees Hannah's rapidly moving eyes]
Dr. Robert Chase: Hannah? You still with us?
Max: What's wrong with her eyes?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [softly] Looks like R.E.M.
Max: What's that?
Dr. Robert Chase: [looks over at her] Rapid Eye Movements. It's what your eyes do when you're sleeping.
Max: [voice breaking] But, she's awake.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [loudly] Hannah. Hannah, can you hear me?
Hannah: [slowly looks more alert] Yeah, of course.
[Chase looks seriously at Foreman]


"House M.D.: Honeymoon (#1.22)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I miss anything?
Dr. Robert Chase: Kitchen Sink?


"House M.D.: Bombshells (#7.15)" (2011)
Dr. Chris Taub: The kid scratched out the faces of half of his class. You don't think that's a problem?
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's not *our* problem.
Dr. Robert Chase: Why is it anyone's problem? I violently executed my 10th grade Geometry teacher about 5 different ways in my mind.
Martha Masters: I didn't want to kill anybody. I just wanted to torture them slowly in my basement - preferably with acid. Guys... ever think what you might do to House?
Dr. Chris Taub: [the elevator opens. The team gets in the elevator. Slight pause] Maybe it's no big deal.
Dr. Robert Chase: Unless it is. Somebody shot House.


"House M.D.: Mob Rules (#1.15)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: The hematoma caused the coma.
Dr. Gregory House: That's a catchy diagnosis. You could dance to that.


"House M.D.: Forever (#2.22)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: [in the morgue, prays before doing a stomach biopsy on a dead infant] God of compassion, take Michael into your arms. Welcome him into paradise. There will be no sorrow, no weeping, and no pain. Peace and joy in Your forever love.
Dr. Robert Chase: [to Michael] I'm sorry.


"House M.D.: Chase (#8.12)" (2012)
Dr. Gregory House: Plaques... can be mistaken for nodules... which means
Dr. Robert Chase: Syphilis
Dr. Gregory House: explains the shoulder and foot involvement. Hope you practiced immaculate contraception


"House M.D.: Joy (#5.6)" (2008)
Becca: Who's that?
Dr. Robert Chase: Dr. Gregory House. He's the one you'll be suing when you develop sepsis.


"House M.D.: Son of Coma Guy (#3.7)" (2006)
Dr. Allison Cameron: [rushes in the room; looks around to a relaxed Foreman and Chase] I was paged.
Dr. Robert Chase: Saw you with a cop. What'd he want?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [slides door closed] How many pills does House take, did I ever write him a prescription; that sort of stuff.
[sighs]
Dr. Allison Cameron: I told him six.
Dr. Eric Foreman: A day, or in a mouthful?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I was just hoping you guys would stay consistent with...
Dr. Robert Chase: [nervous] He wants to talk to us, too?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're next.
Dr. Robert Chase: [aghast] We gotta tell House what's going on.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Tritter says no.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then no it is. Cops have a thousand ways to make life difficult for you.
Dr. Gregory House: [House slides door open to peek in] Quick! What's the kid's status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron.
[looks around expectantly; team is silent]
Dr. Gregory House: See, if that were rhetorical, it would mean that I could just turn around and leave now. Which I'm not doing. From which you should deduce...
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's off all drugs except the antibiotics. His liver's just managing to hang in there.
Dr. Robert Chase: He's still sliding into coma.


"House M.D.: Perils of Paranoia (#8.8)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: He's not *in* prison; It's kinda hard to gas a guy unless you can seal him in a room first.
Dr. Gregory House: Which is why Arceus created the universe with three states of matter, and three hundred solid and liquid poisons that could cause these symptoms.
Dr. Chris Taub: Arceus?
Dr. Gregory House: [takes a sip of tea] Look it up.


"House M.D.: Skin Deep (#2.13)" (2006)
Dr. Allison Cameron: [team meeting in room to discuss patient ] Labs show valium and heroin in her urine.
Dr. Robert Chase: A supermodel on smack. Shocker.
[Gets up]
Dr. Gregory House: [looking away] Oh, Alex. I expected so much more from you. Heroin chic is so five years ago.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Okay. Let's start crossing out withdrawal symptoms.
Dr. Allison Cameron: A positive test means she tried it once; doesn't mean she's an addict; she's only 15.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction.
Dr. Gregory House: He's right.
[dramatically swallows Vicodin]
Dr. Robert Chase: She's never menstruated; sounds like a symptom of drug addiction to me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Or bulimia o-or her age. Some girls don't start 'til their mid to late teens.
Dr. Gregory House: Evidence to the contrary: The round hips. The perfectly sculpted, bountiful breasts.
Dr. Robert Chase: Implants. I've seen some of her photos. They've grown dramatically since last summer.
Dr. Gregory House: Symptomatic of turning 14. Two clinic hours says that those love apples are handcrafted by God.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [incredulous, walks over to House] Whoa! I thought that you didn't believe in God.
Dr. Gregory House: I do now.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're on.
[comes over to House and the two men bump fists]
Dr. Allison Cameron: [disgusted] Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?
Dr. Gregory House: It could be relevant. Come on, Cameron. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women develop breasts -
[House slips due to pain and catches himself on a table, disrupting the table's contents while the team looks on. He regains his composure; looks back to team]
Dr. Gregory House: No, I'm fine.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Even if she is an addict, a lot of her symptoms - the cataplexy, the violence - they could be neurological. We chalk this up to drugs, we could be releasing her with Juvenile M.S. or Parkinson's or...
Dr. Gregory House: [interrupts] So detox her.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Fine. We'll set her up on a program that'll wean her onto the methadone.
Dr. Gregory House: And in four weeks, we'll know that you're right. Or, we'll know that Cameron's right and the pretty girl will do Milan next fall in a wheelchair. Put her in a coma and pump her full of naltrexone. Cut the four weeks in one night.
[House exits; Cameron and Chase look to Foreman]


"House M.D.: The Fix (#7.21)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: Just because he has guns doesn't mean he's a murderer.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Tell that to the bear.


"House M.D.: Damned If You Do (#1.5)" (2004)
Dr. Robert Chase: I haven't seen television in over twenty years.
Dr. Robert Chase: Do you consider it the work of the devil or do you just not get it where you lie?


"House M.D.: Histories (#1.10)" (2005)
Dr. James Wilson: The only question is whether she dies in two months or three.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh, God!
Dr. James Wilson: You were right. There's nothing we can do for her. Might as well put her back on the street.
Dr. Gregory House: Unless it's not cancer.
Dr. Robert Chase: Oh, you're joking?
Dr. Gregory House: [Sarcastically] There's nothing funnier than cancer!


"House M.D.: No More Mr. Nice Guy (#4.13)" (2008)
[House asked Chase to go bowling with him]
Dr. Robert Chase: I assume Wilson was busy?
Dr. Gregory House: Again.
Dr. Robert Chase: With Amber?
Dr. Gregory House: Again.
Dr. Robert Chase: Still it was nice of you to invite me, this is fun.
Dr. Gregory House: No it wasn't, no it isn't. I didn't invite you to be nice. I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves.
Dr. Robert Chase: What's the second thing?
Dr. Gregory House: Other hand.


"House M.D.: 5 to 9 (#6.13)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: It was his *thumb*! I couldn't just let him toss in the trash to save a few bucks.


"House M.D.: Two Stories (#7.13)" (2011)
Martha Masters: We need to get a Chest CT.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Excuse me I'm the senior team member. Which means we don't need anything unless I say we need to.
Dr. Chris Taub: [to a nurse] Do you want to have an affair?
Dr. Robert Chase: [to the same nurse] Do you want to have a threesome?
Martha Masters: You can't talk to her like that! I'm telling Cuddy.
[Masters leaves]
Dr. Eric Foreman: We need a Chest CT.
Dr. Chris Taub, Dr. Robert Chase: Get it yourself!


"House M.D.: Big Baby (#5.13)" (2009)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Her trial results are already compromised just from the fact that I know. As long as she's wasting time... why not... give her something that might actually work?
Dr. Robert Chase: Valid point. Except for the fact that it's a load of crap! Don't be an idiot.


"House M.D.: Resignation (#3.22)" (2007)
Dr. Robert Chase: Why's Foreman quitting?
Dr. Gregory House: He wants to breed llamas.


"House M.D.: Lines in the Sand (#3.4)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: Do a stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because he screamed?
Dr. Robert Chase: It could also be an environmental reaction... an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, something he ate...
Dr. Gregory House: Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... the lungs are in the chest too, right?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I had a date last night, she screamed! Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. Gregory House: Course not... this isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!


"House M.D.: Lucky Thirteen (#5.5)" (2008)
Dr. Eric Foreman: Do you think... I'm boring?
Dr. Robert Chase: Yes.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're saying that just to screw with me.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah. Why would you expect anything else?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I expect House to pull my strings. I expect Cameron to make me feel better. I expect the new team to kiss my ass. And I expect you to be honest, because you don't give a crap.
Dr. Robert Chase: ...Yes. You're boring. That speech was boring.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [sarcastically] Thanks so much.
Dr. Robert Chase: You don't let other people's problems affect you. You don't let your *own* problems affect you. And it's the problems that make us interesting. You're never out of control. Which is good... and... boring. Never losing control also means never putting yourself out there, never pushing your limits. On the other hand, you have a tattoo. Maybe I'm wrong.


"House M.D.: Simple Explanation (#5.20)" (2009)
Dr. Chris Taub: Kutner wanted to die, Charlotte doesn't. So in a contest for my concern and interest, she wins.
Dr. Robert Chase: Okay. Either you're a cold-hearted bastard or you're too miserable to face it. Go home and cry.


"House M.D.: Runaways (#8.10)" (2012)
Dr. Jessica Adams: Do you think people can change?
Dr. Robert Chase: No. But I don't think that's gonna change your opinion, because... people don't change.


"House M.D.: Wilson (#6.9)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: Why are you doing surgery when I need you find me a new case?
Dr. Robert Chase: You don't want a new case.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, right.


"House M.D.: Love is Blind (#8.14)" (2012)
Dr. Jessica Adams: We see people with disabilities all the time, but seeing and understanding are not the same.
Dr. Robert Chase: Are you talking to me, or writing a Facebook post?


"House M.D.: Last Resort (#5.9)" (2008)
Dr. Robert Chase: This is pathetic. If I strap a bomb to my chest, do I get seven doctors attending me? Do you think he's the only guy in New Jersey with an unsolved illness and a pistol? I'm not playing.
[Chase leaves]


"House M.D.: Both Sides Now (#5.24)" (2009)
Dr. Robert Chase: You don't have doubts. You just don't want to kill the only thing left of someone who loved you.
[Cameron starts crying and they hug]
Dr. Robert Chase: Don't do it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I do have trouble giving things up. For example
[Cameron starts laughing]
Dr. Allison Cameron: I never cancelled our wedding plans.


"House M.D.: All In (#2.17)" (2006)
Dr. Gregory House: [approaching Chase, who is chatting up a girl] Hey, how's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining?
[noticing girl]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured that after that girl on the stairwell you'd be done for the night.
Dr. Robert Chase: He's joking.
Dr. Gregory House: No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time!
Nicole Ballard: I'll, uh, see you later.


"House M.D.: The Social Contract (#5.17)" (2009)
Dr. Gregory House: My patient has a quality of life issue.
Dr. Robert Chase: He says awful things. *Hardly* a medical condition.
Dr. Gregory House: When he leaves here, he's going to lose his family. He's going to alienate the people he works with. And if he ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky. 'Til he drives them away too.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Chase thinks for moment] I'll see what I can do.


"House M.D.: The Socratic Method (#1.6)" (2004)
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't know who I am any more.


"House M.D.: The Down Low (#6.10)" (2010)
Dr. Robert Chase: [as they're following a car] In the lab, there is significantly less chance of getting killed. You're too close. Slow down.
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: We're in a car in broad daylight. What's going to happen?
Dr. Robert Chase: You honestly think he doesn't have a gun in that car?
Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: You think he's going to shoot doctors?
Dr. Robert Chase: Just... back off.


"House M.D.: Detox (#1.11)" (2005)
Dr. Gregory House: Your fourth diagnostic criterion for lupus is psychosis. This is just a kid missing his cat.
Dr. Robert Chase: He was being attacked by an animal that wasn't in the room! That's psychosis.
Dr. Gregory House: There is a difference between psychosis and hallucination.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So if he was imagining a fake cat it would be lupus, but since it was a real cat it's not?


"House M.D.: Role Model (#1.17)" (2005)
Dr. Robert Chase: House never gives speeches!


"House M.D.: Meaning (#3.1)" (2006)
Dr. Robert Chase: What about boogers? Should we include boogers?


"House M.D.: Living the Dream (#4.14)" (2008)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Don't know.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Don't have to know.
Dr. Robert Chase: Don't... care?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Wrong! Until this inspection is over, you're back on House-watch!


"House M.D.: Unfaithful (#5.15)" (2009)
Dr. Robert Chase: [to Thirteen] Office romances are a *bad* idea.
[Cameron glares at him.Chase looks at Cameron]
Dr. Robert Chase: We beat some very long odds.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Wow. Save the gushy stuff for the wedding.


"House M.D.: Moving On (#7.23)" (2011)
Dr. Robert Chase: House, you should relax. You had surgery this morning.
Dr. Gregory House: Minor surgery, removing a drain.
Dr. Robert Chase: Put there during major surgery.
Dr. Gregory House: My doctor says it's okay as long as I don't leave my hospital bed.
Dr. Chris Taub: Which doctor was that, Seuss or J?
Dr. Gregory House: Nurse!
Nurse Felicia: Dr. Hourani wrote it in his chart.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I'm surprised he approved it.
[pause]
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I'm more surprised you actually asked.
Dr. Gregory House: I do things like that now. I'm making some changes.


"House M.D.: Joy to the World (#5.11)" (2008)
Dr. Robert Chase: [Sarah stays behind in Observation] What?
Sarah: Am I going to get in trouble? Should we apologize or something?
Dr. Robert Chase: Yes. You should. Natalie's on the third floor.
Sarah: Who's down there?
Dr. Robert Chase: Mr. Rabbits.


"House M.D.: Unplanned Parenthood (#7.5)" (2010)
Dr. Chris Taub: So what was that shrug? A "Dr. Cheng could work" shrug or a "House is gonna crush you for even considering her" shrug?
[Chase shrugs]
Dr. Chris Taub: You suck.
Dr. Robert Chase: House is gonna hate anyone we hire, because he doesn't want to hire anyone.