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: He basically called me white trash. He said I was from Riverside. Jimmy
: Honey, you are from Riverside. Julie
: It was his tone.
: [after hearing Julie gossiping about him and Kirsten
] Morning ladies, mind if I join you? May I?
[grabs a chunk out of Julie's muffin
: I couldn't help overhearing. Julie
: Oh. I hope you're not... Sandy
: Mad? Offended? No. I am disappointed and frankly I'm a little surprised. This is supposed to be a neighborhood who welcomes outsiders, I mean me I'm all the way from the Bronx and you, you're from Riverside, right? Which is not that different from where Ryan's from
[cell phone rings
: Excuse me. Hello? Yeah, Dawn. That's her. Great, thanks.
: Thanks for the muffin. Julie
] You will not believe what Sandy Cohen just said to me. He basically called me white trash. He said I was from Riverside. Jimmy
: Honey. You are from Riverside. Julie
: It was his tone.
: I have dropped all the charges, I have even hired someone to find his mother. What more do you want? Seth
: I want you to come with me. Julie
: Kirsten? Hi. We're talking about the bunting. Is acetate ok? Kirsten
: Yeah. Julie
: Great. Kirsten
: Give me 15 minutes to lose the ladies.
: Look, Luke and I got in a fight last night, okay? Julie
: So you got into a fight. You've had fights before. You guys have been together forever. Marissa
: Maybe that's the problem. I mean, what if there's someone else out there? Julie
: Like who, that boy from Chino? Marissa, do you want to end up like your Aunt Cindy, with four kids in a trailer park? She broke my mother's heart. I will not let you break mine. Marissa
: Oh, so now this is about you?
[Julie sees Marissa and Alex walk in
] Julie Cooper-Nichol
: Good morning Mariss... oh, hi. I didn't know you had a friend over last night. Well, I'm Marissa's mother, Julie Cooper-Nichol. Alex
: Alex. Julie Cooper-Nichol
: Alex? Oh, yeah. You're the fiesty young lady Caleb mentioned. Well, I was just making bagels. I figured if the Cohens can do it, why can't we? Alex
: Oh, none for me, thanks. I don't eat breakfast. Julie Cooper-Nichol
: Oh, that's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day. Marissa
: Mom! Julie Cooper-Nichol
: You're right, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.
: My husband is currently transporting a fugitive whom happens to be his ex-girlfriend. Julie
: Well, I will see your fugitive, former-girlfriend, flame, and raise you a lesbian daughter. Kirsten
: Well, I'm sure it's just a phase. Julie
: It was for me.
[Kirsten looks a little shocked
: And it is for you, too. You guys will work it out. I couldn't handle it if you didn't, you too are like the moral center of the universe. You're Sandy and Kirsten!
: I don't think it's too much to ask to know what's going on under my roof. Marissa
: Oh. You want to know what's going on with me? I am going to tell you the truth. No screaming, no crying, just the truth. Julie
: You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that. Marissa
: Hold that thought. Alex is my girlfriend. Julie
: I know, and I am so happy that you have made a new friend. Although, I hope you keep seeing Summer... Marissa
: No, Mom, not my friend who's a girl. My girlfriend.
[thunder rumbles in the distance as Julie looks shocked
: Got a minute? Marissa
: Not really. Julie
: Well, I would like to talk to you. About your friend Alex. Marissa
: I'm sure you would, Mom. Julie
: Look, Marissa, I experimented too when I was your age. Albeit it involved a little Motley Cru and a lot of jager. Marissa
: Woah! Way too much information. Julie
: I'm just saying, that I understand that this is a phase, but, that I won't make a big deal about it if you don't. Marissa
: Right. This way you avoid any public embarrassment. Julie
: [notices suitcases
] Where are you going? Marissa
: I'm moving out. You have my cell if Caleb kicks and you need help counting your cash.
: Ok Nixon, paranoid much?
: Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial out I swear I hear a clicking. Julie Cooper-Nichol
: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What's going on with you, Cal? You're either hopped up on blow or something's seriously wrong.
: You two are still-? Jimmy Cooper
: Yeah, we're doing great. She's fantastic, sweet, limber. How about you and Caleb? Julie Cooper-Nichol
: Not so limber.
: So what's going on in your life? Julie Cooper-Nichol
: Aside from our daughter being the spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon?
: [meeting at Marisa's Grave Site
] Thanks for meeting me. Julie
: I'm here every day.
Dr. Neil Roberts
: Julie! My god! Are you alright? Is there an earthquake I didn't feel? Julie
: No. Help me. I was just trying to rearrange some furniture. I got some very helpful tips from HGTV. Dr. Neil Roberts
: Oh great. They suggested that you try to move a built-in? Julie
: I didn't know it was a built-in. Dr. Neil Roberts
: It's not anymore.
: Hey Kaitlin! Why aren't you in school? Kaitlin Cooper
: 'Cause it's 8 PM. And it's Saturday.
: When I was little, and a limousine would drive by, I would always try to see through the tinted windows. To see who the people were inside, what kind of life they lived, glamorous, and lucky. You were probably in there staring right back at me. Which means I've been jealous of you since I was eight.
: When we get back, I'll get you that divorce attorney's number. Kirsten
: I can't believe you're encouraging this. When your husband was caught popping his secretary no-one gave you the number to a divorce attorney. Taryn Baker
: Kirsten, that was very uncalled for. Kirsten
: No, what was uncalled for was your $500 a day coke habit in college. Taryn Baker
: It was just sophomore year. Veronica Townsend
: Besides, what Jimmy did was wrong. He stole. Kirsten
: Oh spare me. You have an entire Guatemalan family cleaning your house for less than minimum wage. I have spent this entire weekend listening to you bad-mouth Jimmy. Yes, he made a mistake, but life is hard and none of us is perfect. Not even you Julie. Julie
: What is that supposed to mean. Kirsten
: He didn't buy jewels and poneys for himself.
: You told Ryan where to find Volchok. Even for you, this is a new low. Julie Cooper
: Okay, you know what? You're crazy. I'm just going to say goodnight. Sandy Cohen
: You sent Ryan down there to commit a murder. I could have you arrested. Julie Cooper
: But then, you'd get Ryan arrested too. And you're not going to do that, are you? Sandy Cohen
: If anything had happended to him or to Seth... Julie Cooper
: [cutting him off
] Okay it's late, and I'm not in the mood for threats.
[Julie gets up to leave
] Sandy Cohen
: Sit down!
] Sandy Cohen
: After everything our families have been through, you would put our kids in danger? Julie Cooper
: At least you still have all your kids.
: There'll be no more hanging out with Brad and Eric. You are to come straight home after school. Do you have any idea how lucky you are that Dean Torres didn't expel you? Kaitlin Cooper
: Mom, this whole thing is just a crock anyway. Julie Cooper
: And how is that? Kaitlin Cooper
: Do you really think that Sudanese refugees have an overwhelming need for Paul Frank tops and last season Manolo Blanhniks? Julie Cooper
: So you think that you can steal them? Kaitlin Cooper
: Look, I did research on the Web. They have mountains of donated clothing in warehouses in New Jersey that nobody wants. They have all they ever needed. Julie Cooper
] You just made that up. Kaitlin Cooper
: Uh... maybe. But it sounded true, didn't it? I learned it from watching you. Julie Cooper
: Kaitlin, I can't do this. I can't keep this family together and have you running around like Miss Clockwork Orange. I can't. Honey, please... I need your help. Kaitlin Cooper
: Mom, do you really think that Dr. Roberts is at that medical conference by himself?
Dr. Neil Roberts
: How's dinner coming? Julie Cooper
: Fantastic. You wouldn't happen to know how to cook a turkey, would you?
: I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. Sandy Cohen
: I don't think I've ever heard you say that before. Julie Cooper
: I don't think I've ever meant it.
: Mom! Marissa went to Chino with Ryan! Kirsten Cohen
: What! Sweety, I can't here you! Seth
: Mom, Marissa and Ryan are Chino! Julie Cooper
: Marissa's in Chino? Seth
: No, I said Marissa has my chinos! God, I love those pants!
: So, listen, Riviera Magazine wants to do a big photo-spread on us. And I think it's a great opportunity for us to demonstrate the resilience and strength of our family. It's wonderful exposure. Marissa Cooper
: Any chance to expose yourself, huh?
: I came to see how you were. Julie
: I'm great. Some of the neighbours are having cockfights in an hour, using stray dogs. It's a holiday tradition. My money's on the feisty Weimaraner. Kirsten
: Good, because I'm awful. Julie
: I'm spitting Skoal into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that, if I wanted to, I could put in reverse. I'm beyond awful.
: I was easier to love back then. Beautiful, and much nicer. Jimmy Cooper
: Jules, come on. You're still beautiful. And we both know, you were never nice.
: It was the 80s. I was young, I had no money, and... it was the 80s.
: She just stopped by to ask a quick business question. Julie
: A quickie, huh?
: [In bed
] It's been so long since we've done this. Jimmy Cooper
: It's like riding a bike ... Well, an incredibly toned and, you know, evenly tanned and limber bike, you know, with a really sharp mind and an incredible sense of ... interior design.
: [to Kaitlin
] Do you like my hair this straight or is it too Avril Lavigne? Marissa
: No, it looks good, Mom. Julie
: [sees Marissa behind her
] Oh, Marissa. You look... oh honey, I thought you were going to wear your hair down. Pulled back like that, it's a little harsh on your angles. Jimmy
: [heads downstairs and to the front door
] Okay, let's go! Julie
: It's going to be so amazing tonight. Are you going to wear the Donna Karan, Maris? I thought it was very forgiving.
: [reading invite
] "Gordon Bullit invites you and a hot guest to start 2007 with a bang." Gordon Bullit
: Whoa, that joke never gets old, does it? Been using it since 1989!
: Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself! But as long as we're on the subject, I could kind of use your advise. Sandy Cohen
: Hey, if this involves you being naked please, you've got to warn me!
: Well, if it isn't the wicked witch of the west coast. Julie Cooper-Nichol
: Are you drunk?
] Julie Cooper-Nichol
: Let me guess: tequila? D.J.
: She was like this when I picked her up. Marissa Cooper
: You don't have to defend youself to her. Julie Cooper-Nichol
: No, but you do young lady! Marissa Cooper
: Come on, let's go D.J. before she tries to sleep with you next. Julie Cooper-Nichol
: What did you say? Marissa Cooper
: You heard me you whore! You know let's do it. Let's tell everyone right here!
] Marissa Cooper
: You know, let's tell everyone why you're leaving Dad. Why don't you tell everyone why you're leaving? Julie Cooper-Nichol
: Marissa... Marissa Cooper
: Get off me! Julie Cooper-Nichol
: [to Jimmy
] You see what you're leaving me with? You see how screwed up she is? Marissa Cooper
: Of course I'm screwed up! I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut! I just hate you both so much!
: I don't want Chippendales! I want strippers! Full on, full frontal, male strippers. Preferably at a place that serves bottomless margaritas. Kirsten
: Uh-huh. Or I could invite the girls over, and I could throw you a lovely catered bachelorette cocktail party. Julie
: With strippers. Kirsten
: Without strippers! Julie, we are smart sophisticated women. We don't need strange naked men dancing in front of us to be entertained. Julie
] I'm not as smart as you. Plus, the boys are getting strippers. Kirsten
: The boys are not getting strippers! Julie
: Kirsten, it's Las Vegas. You get strippers as a side with your entrée. Of course they're getting strippers! Why else would Sandy go to Vegas with Caleb? Kirsten
: Strippers, huh? Julie
: Uh-huh. Let's get all the Newpsies into limos, drive to LA, have dinner on Sunset, then head south to Mantopia. Or The Stud Farm. Kirsten
: You've done your research. Julie
: Todd in accounting. Who also told me about this place called The Petting Zoo. It's not exactly legal, but... Kirsten
: Julie, I am not going to a place called The Petting Zoo. You don't know where the pets have been. Julie
: Just one little stripper. Who never hurt anyone. Who's just trying to make his way in the world... naked.
: Hey, there's eggs. Oh, I'm taking Kaitlin to the stable, so I need to get that check. Jimmy
: Does Kaitlin really need a pony? In a couple of months, she's not even going to like horses. Kaitlin
: What? I love China! She's the prettiest pony.