Seth Cohen
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Quotes for
Seth Cohen (Character)
from "The O.C." (2003)

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"The O.C.: The Model Home (#1.2)" (2003)
Luke Ward: Shut up, queer.
Seth Cohen: Well, at least I don't shave my chest.
Luke Ward: What'd you say?
Marissa Cooper: Luke, come on.
Seth Cohen: I just said you look nice in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.

Ryan: What kind of music do you listen to?
Marissa: Right now, punk.
Seth: Yeah, I am sorry, but Avril Lavigne doesn't count as punk.
Marissa: Oh yeah? Well, what about the Cramps? Stiff Little Fingers? The Clash? Sex Pistols?
Seth: I listen to the same music as Marissa Cooper? I think I have to kill myself.

Ryan: [laughs insincerely] You know what I like about rich kids?
[punches Luke]
Ryan: Nothing!
Seth: That was awesome!

Seth: Dude, what did you tell her?
Ryan: I didn't tell her anything. I think the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.
Seth: Okay, I was going for stealth, and also it's slimming.

Marissa: I mean, what did I ever do to you?
Seth: Nothing, Marissa. I've lived next door to you forever and you've never done or said anything to me.
Marissa: Oh, my God, you're the one who never talks to me. You think you're so much better than everyone.
Seth: I do? Well, if you're talking about Luke, then yes, because that guy shaves his chest.

Sheriff: So, you have no idea where Ryan might have gone?
Seth: I don't know. He did say something about going down to Mexico and gambling on cockfights. I mean, I don't know what kind of jurisdiction you guys...
Sandy: Quit joking around. Will you answer his question?
Seth: Yes, I did. I really don't know. I do not know the guy. I never got the chance.

Marissa: Look, I don't know why Luke does that. Did that. He's just...
Seth: An ass?
Marissa: Protective.

Seth: Dad, I'm sure Ryan's fine. We should just try again when it's light out.
Sandy: Could be too late by then.
Seth: Yeah, well, maybe he's better off on his own, anyways.
Sandy: What does that mean?
Seth: Okay, if we find him, then what? Then, if he's very lucky he gets to go back with his mom? I would run away, too.

Sandy: What was he even doing there? Why didn't you tell us?
Seth: Because he didn't want to go to a foster home. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to leave either. It's like, you force me to live amongst these-these pod people and the first cool person I meet, it's like, you kick him out of the house.
Sandy: I did the best I could.
Seth: So did I

Seth: Fair enough. Where are you going?
Ryan: I don't know. New town, get a job somewhere, save some money.
Seth: Great plan. Sounds like you've given it a lot of thought.

Ryan: So I'm now property of the government. Nickname: 0382965.
Seth: Hey, it's better than death-breath Seth. Or so I would imagine.

Sandy: Since the minute you were born, I knew I would never take another easy breath without knowing that you were all right.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?

Sandy: The minute you were born, I knew... I would never take an easy breath without knowing you were safe.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?

Marissa: Where are we?
Seth: Well, its one of my mom's housing developments. She and my grandpa own a bunch of them - this is supposed to be the model home... but it never got finished.
Marissa: Why, did someone die here and now its haunted?
Seth: Yes. That is exactly what happened.

Marissa: What are you doing?
Seth: Nothing. We're just hanging out. Oh, look, it's somebody's birthday. I guess my invitation probably got lost in the mail.

Ryan: So how long you been with him?
Marissa: Luke? Um... I don't know really.
Seth: I know. Fifth grade, when you two got your mack on during our class trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Back of the bus. Classy lady.

Kirsten: Seth. I know that I am not the perfect Carol Brady mom, but I love you and I am trying to protect you. I have dropped all the charges on him. I have hired somebody to find his mother. What more do you want?
Seth: I would like you to go with me.

Sandy: When your mother gave birth to you, I knew I wouldn't take a breath without knowing you were safe and OK.
Seth: Great, so I'm like asthma.


"The O.C.: The New Kids on the Block (#2.3)" (2004)
Seth Cohen: Dude, I don't even want Summer back. Unless that is what she wants. In which case that's not about me, that's about me supporting her and her wanting of, of, of... me. If that's what she wants.

Seth Cohen: Changing urinal cakes. That's how committed Seth Cohen is to the new Seth Cohen.
Ryan Atwood: Okay, now you're talking about yourself in, like, the 4th person.
Seth Cohen: It's a whole new dimension of selflessness, Ryan.

Seth Cohen: The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.
Ryan Atwood: Could be what?
Seth Cohen: C'mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?

Seth Cohen: So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the urinals!
[walks off whistling as Ryan stands there stoically until Seth wanders back the other way]
Seth Cohen: I don't know where they are.

Alex Kelly: That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.

Summer Roberts: Cohen, that was really sweet.
Seth Cohen: Pathetic and sweet?
Summer Roberts: No, just sweet.

Seth Cohen: This is the old Seth Cohen. I'm back, man. Red, white, and me.

Seth Cohen: Maybe I just can't be just friends with you.
Summer Roberts: Then maybe this is it for us.


"The O.C.: The Risky Business (#2.18)" (2005)
Trey Atwood: Stallone, huh? Nah, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan Atwood: Are you kidding me? Seagal, man.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, divided house cannot eat. Now we all gotta get together behind a single action hero.
Sandy Cohen: Steve McQueen.
Seth Cohen: Steve M-who?

Seth: [about Sandy] Woah, he sings, he surfs and he reads minds.

Seth: [In a high voice] Hello, pleased to meet you.
Guy in Apartment: Who the hell are you?
Seth: Well, I'm Pippins McGee.

Seth: All right, hold it up. More. More. More. You're naughty.
Zach: Just take the picture.
Seth: You're an animal in the woods.

Seth: All right ottoman, work with me. You're sexy. Get nasty. Work with me, you ottoman. You little- That's it. You're a cougar. You're a panther, and you're in the woods.

Seth: Hey.
[Ryan pushes him into a locker]
Seth: Don't blame me for your sexual tension.

Seth: Let me just paint a picture of what could maybe happen. Now it's late at night and your thirsty. SO is she. So you meet up at the fridge. 'Hey.' 'Hey.' 'Yoo-hoo?' 'Maybe just you. Let's kiss on the mouth.' 'Okay.'
[He makes a weird face pretending to kiss someone]
Seth: 'Oh, let's French hard.'

Seth: Julia is Marissa's mom.
Trey Atwood: Oh, so Ryan's mother-in-law.
Sandy: What? What Ryan and Marissa? What?
Seth: It's on.
Sandy: Really? I'm always the last to know.
Ryan: There's nothing to know.
Trey Atwood: Oh really? 'Cause that's not what it looked like the other night, you coming to Marissa's rescue and all.
Sandy: Well, he's very chivalrous, not unlike the young Steve McQueen.
Seth: Yeah, some people say chivalry's dead. I don't believe it.
Ryan: There's nothing going on with me and Marissa.
Sandy: Nothing?
Trey Atwood: Really?
Seth: Ryan...
Ryan: We're taking it slow.
Trey Atwood, Sandy: Yeah! Taking it slow! Alright!
Sandy: Well it's a good thing she's no longer you neighbor.
Seth: That's right! It's hard to take it slow with her next door.
Kirsten: So, Caleb and Julie are off on their trip.
Sandy: What are we gonna do without them?
Kirsten: Well, for starters, housekeeper got deported and so there's no one to stay with Marissa. So I told Julie that Marissa could stay here for the week.
[Trey, Sandy and Seth look and Ryan]
Seth: That'll keep things at a snail's place.


"The O.C.: The Sister Act (#3.12)" (2006)
Summer: [watching Taylor's mom and her dad split up, happy] Wow. That was amazing. All you did was tell her he voted for John Kerry?
Seth: [unconvincingly] Yes, that is exactly what I told her.
Summer: You told her he has genital warts!
Seth: The Kerry thing wasn't going to work!
Summer: Come on!

Kirsten: Oh Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsand and you know who.
Seth: Now we have a quarome.
Sandy: What happened?
Kirsten: There are factors of which I was not aware of when I had you set them up.
Seth: Wait, you set them up?
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go out with Summer's dad and she threated to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look Neil is a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her, maybe he see's something in her that we don't.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: What the hockey?
Kirsten: Nah nah nah.
Sandy: Okay okay fine. But we have to make sure she's the one who ends is. If Neil starts pulling away, she might take it out on Marissa.
Seth: Genital warts
[Summer hits him]
Seth: is the answer.

Seth: I'm telling you, it'll work.
Summer: We're not starting a rumor that my dad has genital warts.
Sandy: Hey Seth, how about lending your mom and hand downstairs.
Seth: Actually... uh dad, we're kind of busy right now.
Summer: We're trying to figure out a way to break up my dad and some skank-out-hoebag.
Sandy: Veronica Townsand.
Summer: See everyone knows.
Sandy: You got nothing to worry about, it's a long story, but last nights date, one time thing.
Summer: Really? I mean because he's bringing her to the party tonight.
Sandy: He's going on a second date with her?
Summer: I don't know.
Kirsten: Oh Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsand and you know who.
Sandy: What happened?
Kirsten: There are factors of which I was not aware of when I had you set them up.
Seth: Wait, you set them up?
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go on a date with Summer's dad, and she threated to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look, Neil's a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her maybe he see's something in her that we dont.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: What the hockey?
Kirsten: Nah nah nah.
Sandy: Okay okay fine, but we have to make sure she's the one who ends it. If Neil starts pulling away she might take it out on Marissa.
Seth: Genital warts is the answer.
[Summer slaps Seth]
Kirsten: Seth!

Seth: Marissa, I'm gonna need to borrow you for a second, 'cause, we're gonna have to work on Summer's birthday present.
Marissa: Her birthdays not for like eight months.
Seth: What to get the girl who has everything? We need to plan early.

Ryan: [Ryan answers the door] Yeah?
Kaitlin Cooper: So I show up at my house to surprise my mom and this Persian dude answers.
Ryan: Uh, I'm sorry?
Kaitlin Cooper: I figured that he was the new butler, but then I saw his shoes, Prada. I thought maybe he's my new step-dad. And I was about to like, hug him, when his wife shows up. And no matter how rich the guy is my mother would never join a herom.
Ryan: I don't think...
Kaitlin Cooper: So I was like, "Persian dude, what are you doing at my house? And where is my mother?" And he was all like, "Who's your mother?" So I told him and he tells me that my mother moved and all the mail is being forwarded here.
Ryan: Uh, I think that you may have...
Kaitlin Cooper: Are you gonna invite me in or what?
[Ryan looks down thinking of what to say]
Kaitlin Cooper: Jeez Ryan,
[Ryan looks up shocked]
Kaitlin Cooper: I see Newport hasn't improved your manners at all.
Ryan: Oh my god.
Seth: [Seth walks up] Oh my god, Kaitlin Cooper?
Kaitlin Cooper: Weird neighbor kid, hi.
Seth: You have uh, you have grown...
Kaitlin Cooper: Boobs?
Seth: No...
[Looks at Ryan and nods]

Seth: I'm telling you it would work.
Summer: We're not starting a rumor that my dad has gentile warts.
Sandy: Hey Seth? How about lending a hand to your mom downstairs?
Seth: Actually dad, we're kind of busy right now.
Summer: We're trying to figure out away to break up my dad and some skank-and-hoebag.
Sandy: Veronica Townsend.
Summer: See everyone knows.
Sandy: You got nothing to worry about. It's a long story but, last night's date, one time thing.
Summer: Really? Because I mean, he's bringing her to the party tonight.
Sandy: He's going on a second date with her?
Summer: I don't know.
Kirsten: Oh Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsend and you know who.
Seth: Now we have a quarome.
Sandy: What happened?
Kirsten: There are factors of which I was not aware of when I had you set them up.
Seth: Wait, you set them up?
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go out with Summer's dad and she threaten to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look Neil is a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her, maybe he see's something in her that we don't.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: What the hockey?
Kirsten: Nah nah nah.
Sandy: Okay okay fine. But we have to make sure she's the one who ends is. If Neil starts pulling away, she might take it out on Marissa.
Seth: Gentile warts
[Summer hits him]
Seth: is the answer.
Kirsten: Seth.

Seth: I'm telling you, it'll work.
Summer: We're not starting a rumor that my dad has genital warts.
Sandy: Hey Seth, how about lending your mom and hand downstairs.
Seth: Actually... uh dad, we're kind of busy right now.
Summer: We're trying to figure out a way to break up my dad and some skank-out-hoebag.
Sandy: Veronica Townsend.
Summer: See everyone knows.
Sandy: You got nothing to worry about, it's a long story, but last nights date, one time thing.
Summer: Really? I mean because he's bringing her to the party tonight.
Sandy: He's going on a second date with her?
Summer: I don't know.
Kirsten: Oh Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsend and you know who.
Sandy: What happened?
Kirsten: There are factors of which I was not aware of when I had you set them up.
Seth: Wait, you set them up?
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go on a date with Summer's dad, and she threated to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look, Neil's a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her maybe he see's something in her that we dont.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: What the hockey?
Kirsten: Nah nah nah.
Sandy: Okay okay fine, but we have to make sure she's the one who ends it. If Neil starts pulling away she might take it out on Marissa.
Seth: Genital warts is the answer.
[Summer slaps Seth]
Kirsten: Seth!


"The O.C.: The Escape (#1.7)" (2003)
Seth: Face it, our chemistry is undeniable.
Summer: You know what else is undeniable?
Seth: What?
Summer: The pain this fork is going to cause when I jam it into your eye!

[Seth and Summer get in the same bed]
Summer: [glares] You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
Seth: Oh, hey, pillow talk.

Summer: Be, like, a gentleman.
Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.

Summer: My hair is frizzing out. I look like Howard Stern!
Seth: See, strangely, I feel like my Jew-fro benefits from this climate.
Summer: You're Jewish?
Seth: Yes. That's why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.

Marissa: Hey, we're lucky that guy even stopped for us.
Summer: Well, we'd be even luckier if Cole Trickle here hadn't driven us off the road!
Seth: Who the hell is Cole Trickle?
Summer: Ugh, Tom Cruise? Days of Thunder?
Marissa: Hey guys, can we try to be positive here?
Seth: Yeah, okay, I am positive that this is Summer's fault.
Summer: I am positive that I am leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: Oh, so you're planning on making some extra money tonight?

Seth: I'm going 70 in a 65 zone.
Summer: 80 is the new 70.
Seth: What? Who talks like that?

Summer: Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh wait, who? Cohen does!
Seth: Well, they have God on their side okay, Summer? I'm not going to beat Jesus.


"The O.C.: The Debut (#1.4)" (2003)
Anna Stern: I mean, whatever you think about the whole superhero movie genre, at least it's getting people to read the original source material.
Seth Cohen: I cannot believe that you read comic books. I mean, you're a girl.
Anna Stern: What is that supposed to mean? And I call them graphic novels. In fact, if more people did, maybe the whole form wouldn't be so marginalized.
Seth Cohen: I couldn't agree more.

Anna: Could you be any more pathetic? Lone figure, sitting on the floor, wondering if he's going to be lonely for the rest of his life.
Seth: Oh, hey, your sensitivity, it's really... nonexistent.
Anna: You know what your problem is? You're not a man.
Seth: Again, not appreciating the brutal honesty.

Seth: Are you just not going to go 'cause you're afraid of Luke?
Ryan: That's not what I'm afraid of. Look, your parents taking me in, that's, like, the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I'm not going to lose it just to kick some guy's ass.
Seth: But you could totally kick his ass, right?
Ryan: Oh, yeah.

Anna: Do you know what girls find sexy?
Seth: Nope. Uh, wait, let me guess. Dudes who play water polo?
Anna: Confidence!

Summer: [looking at Ryan] Every girl needs a white knight.
Seth: Seth Cohen, white knight.

Ryan: You knew about this and didn't say anything.
Seth: I didn't want to jinx it. Dude, you're a Cohen now. Welcome to a world of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

Kirsten: [to Ryan] We should clean all this out so that you'll have room for some of your... right. You don't have any stuff. Which means we've got to go shopping. For clothes and shoes and underpants.
Seth: Mom, don't say underpants.


"The O.C.: Pilot (#1.1)" (2003)
Seth: Why don't you go back to Chino? I'm sure there are a bunch of really nice cars in the parking lot that you could steal.
Summer: Chino? Eww!

Seth: She's got Tahiti written all over her.

Seth Cohen: Wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock... in case, there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.

Seth Cohen: Why do they even need a fashion show? Every day's a fashion show for these people.
Betsy, Newport Woman #3: Did I hear you were from Canada?
Ryan Atwood: Yes, yes you did.

Seth: [to Ryan] Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know.

Sandy: So, I'd thought we'd head out to the fashion show at around seven.
Seth: Yeah, okay. Have fun.
Sandy: Come on. It's a whole new school year, Seth.
Seth: It's also the same kids, Dad. Why do they even need a fashion show? Every day's a fashion show for these people.
Sandy: Yeah, well, Ryan has to go. Marissa invited him.
Seth: [to Ryan] Marissa invited you? I've lived next door to Marissa since, like, forever. Her dad almost got married to my mom even and, like, she's never even invited me to a birthday.
Sandy: That is not true. They did not almost get married.
Seth: Eh.
Ryan: Hey, maybe Summer will be there.
Seth: That's interesting. She is Marissa's best friend. 7:00?

Seth: Wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock... in case, there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.


"The O.C.: The Dearly Beloved (#2.24)" (2005)
Seth Cohen: Hey Ryan, apparently Mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. Plan your afternoon accordingly.

Seth Cohen: This isn't supposed to happen to us. We're not that family.

Kirsten Cohen: I don't know who you are but I am not going.
Seth Cohen: Mom, please. You gotta do this.

Sandy Cohen: The car accident she had. Did you know she'd been drinking?
Seth Cohen: No I didn't, because you only just told me.

Marissa Cooper: Hey, can I call you back?
Seth Cohen: No, we got a problem. We're on our way to Trey's but you're closer, maybe you can stop him.
Marissa Cooper: What do you mean?
Seth Cohen: Ryan knows.

Seth Cohen: I know what happened to Marissa. I guess while we were in Miami Trey kind of attacked her or something, I mean she fought him off but that's how he got the cut on his head.


"The O.C.: The Heartbreak (#1.19)" (2004)
Summer: You're in my house.
Seth: And you're dressed. I wonder who's most disappointed.

Seth: Who is this?
Summer: No-one.
Seth: I'm not no-one.
Summer: Princess Sparkle. What do you want?
Seth: She's just Captain Oates's type.
Summer: Well you tell him to keep his hooves off.

Seth: It's not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Because the whole reason we broke up is because of me. It's always been you Summer. It's just always been you. I tried to fight it and I tried to deny it. And I can't, I can't do it, you're undeniable.

Seth: I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. I was like Nemo and I just wanted to go home

Seth: I had sex with a girl! Summer, to be more specific.
Ryan Atwood: How was it?
Seth: I had sex.
[whispering]
Ryan Atwood: That bad?
Seth: No, not that bad it was just kind of weird.
Ryan Atwood: Weird?
Seth: Ye, but not kinky weird, more like awkward. But hey, you know what? It was my first time and she's a more experienced woman, that's to be expected. And I did make some faces in the middle that I wish that I could take back but I can't and there's also sort of a whiny noice that came out towards the end, that wasn't my finest hour. And I sucked so bad. I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.

Sandy: Did you uhh... use... uh... protection?
Seth: Oh my god yes. Oh my god yes. Oh my god, I cannot believe you just asked me that.


"The O.C.: The Nana (#1.23)" (2004)
Summer: Was I really mean to you?
Seth: No.
[pause]
Seth: That would have required speaking to me.

Sandy: Who is that woman?
Seth: Not the nana.
Kirsten: Come on you guys. Maybe she's changed. Maybe she's mellowed. Maybe she's genuinely happy to be here. No you're right, something's wrong.

Sophie 'Nana' Cohen: Your father doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.
Seth: Well you're the one who doesn't want to stick around so whose fault is that.

Seth: I gotta go. Summer's having a hebrew hernia.

Sandy: Who's coming to the airport with me?
[everyone ignores him]
Sandy: Seth?
[Seth points to Ryan]
Sandy: Ryan? You're not ready for the Nana. No-one's ever ready for the Nana. That woman is scary.
Sophie 'Nana' Cohen: [off camera] Hello?
Sandy: Can't be.
Sophie 'Nana' Cohen: The door's wide open. A person could walk in here and kill us all.
Seth: It is. It's the Nana.

Seth: I don't know who that woman is, but it's not the nana.
Ryan Atwood: [where's Marissa?] Where else could she be?
Seth: She was even nice to my mom and the nana has never been a fan of the Kirsten. She's like the Green Arrow to my mother's Hawkman.
[Ryan looks confused]
Seth: The Cyclops to her Wolverine, two people who have nothing in common suddenly getting along.
Ryan Atwood: I know where she is.


"The O.C.: The Rainy Day Women (#2.14)" (2005)
[Marissa walks in from the bedroom wearing a skimpy robe]
Marissa: Hey Alex, should I be getting dressed or are we going back to...
[sees Seth standing in the living room as Alex walks in from the kitchen]
Marissa: ...bed?
Seth: Oh My God.
Marissa: Oh My God.
Alex: Oh My God.
Seth: [to Alex] Let me get this straight. You broke up with me, for Marissa?
Alex: Do you want your money?
Seth: Hey, who better than a superhero understands secret identity? Now hold on, just want to make sure I have the visual.
[Marissa looks uncomfortable]
Seth: Okay I got it, great, thank you. Hey listen, Alex. Thank you. Both of you. For everything, I mean, keep doing what you're doing, I like it.
[walks out]

Seth: They're showing a marathon of 'Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley's.
Ryan Atwood: What's that?
Seth: Hm, apparently 'The Valley' has got its own reality show knock-off. And, you know, why watch the angst of fictional characters when you can watch real people in contrived situations?

Seth: Then Eureka Ryan! Eu-freakin'-reka!

Seth: Dude, I'm a child of southern california if I go out in this I'll melt.

Ryan: You're listening to Boyz2Men?
Seth: I can think of no sadder song in the whole world.
Ryan: So I'm guessing it didn't go well.
[turns down music]
Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.
Ryan: Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing. You said you named your boat after her, which I thought was a little weird. Considering you never talked to her.
Seth: Eureka Ryan! I can't believe I just said "eureka." That's okay. That's it.
Ryan: What's it?
Seth: The thing to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's going to put Zachary's Euro-trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except you sold the boat for bus fare.
Seth: I did. Damn it. Eureka Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except with what money?
Seth: Kay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I'd step outside. Let me ask you something, do you like the shape of the idea even?
Ryan: Definitely.
Seth: Great, so all I need is money. Hang on. Yes. Got the answer. But before I say "eureka" again do you see any other potential flaws, or holes in my plan?
Ryan: No.
[Seth gets up]
Seth: Then, eureka Ryan! Eu-freaking-reka! Turn this music off. It's depressing me.

Ryan: You're listening to Boyz2Men?
Seth: I can think of no sadder song in the whole world.
Ryan: So I'm guessing it didn't go well.
[Turns down music]
Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.
Ryan: Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing. You said you named your boat after her, which I thought was a little weird. Considering you never talked to her.
Seth: Eureka Ryan! I can't believe I just said "eureka." That's okay. That's it.
Ryan: What's it?
Seth: The thing to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's going to put Zachary's Euro-trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except you sold the boat for bus fare.
Seth: I did. Damn it. Eureka Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except with what money?
Seth: Kay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I'd step outside. Let me ask you something, do you like the shape of the idea even?
Ryan: Defiantly.
Seth: Great, so all I need is money. Hang on. Yes. Got the answer. But before I say "eureka" again do you see any other potential flaws, or holes in my plan?
Ryan: No.
[Seth gets up]
Seth: Then, eureka Ryan! Eu-freaking-reka! Turn this music off. It's depressing me.


"The O.C.: The Secret (#1.12)" (2003)
Luke: This is gonna be weird.
Ryan: Yep.
Luke: Everyone's gonna be staring at me... Talking.
Marissa: Yep.
Luke: Maybe I can just blow the whole thing off... Go hit the beach... Give everyone time to get it out of their systems.
Ryan: It's been months... I'm still the kid from Chino who burned a house down.
Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
Seth: I'm still... The... I'm still Seth Cohen.
Luke: Man this is gonna suck.
Seth: Yep well... Welcome to my world

Ryan: Maybe you've got the Summer flu?
Seth: Yes, it's November, but it's possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need som Anna-biotics.

Seth: [the Dandy Warhols "We Used To Be Friends" plays] Do I have a fever? I think I might have a fever and/or the chills.
Ryan: Since when?
Seth: Since recently.
Sandy: So your not feeling well?
Seth: No I feel fine.
[coughs]
Seth: Just my head's a littly achy and my stomach's kind of weird. I'm okay.
Sandy: Come here.
[feels Seth's head]
Sandy: Huh. You don't feel warm.
Seth: What about cold or clammy?
Ryan: Maybe you've got the summer flu.
Seth: Yeah. It's November, but it's possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need some Anna-biotics.
Sandy: Do you not wanna go to school?
Seth: No, Dad. I want to go to school. Okay? I'm just worried about infecting others.
Sandy: You're right, we can't take a chance. We should just take you straight to the emergency room. Just to be sure.
Seth: Okay, all right. Or I could stay home and try and sleep it off.
Ryan: Or you could go to scool, face Summer and Anna and apologize.
Seth: First of all, ah... no. Second of all, hm... no. Why would I?
Sandy: Oh , the Summer flu. I just got it. That was good.
Seth: It's not my fault that they both tried to kiss me on Thanksgiving. What was I supposed to do? Not kiss back? Say "No, stop"? Risk hurting their feelings?
Sandy: Well it seems to me you already did hurt their feelings.
Seth: Yeah, perhaps I did but what about my feelings okay? Hello I was the one who was assulted. I'm the victim here.

Kirsten: You just like saying that.
Sandy: Yogalates? I kinda do. Yogalates.
Ryan: Yogalates.
Kirsten: You know what I wanna know?
Sandy: Yogalates.
Kirsten: Is why these two are so smug.
Seth: Because for once they didn't do anything wrong.
Sandy: That's true. Here's to ya.
Ryan: Back at ya.
Kirsten: Enjoy it boys, because knowing the two of you, it won't last long.
Sandy: Yogalates.

Ryan: Maybe you have the Summer flu.
Seth: Yeah, maybe. Even though it's November.
Ryan: And maybe you need some Annabiotics.


"The O.C.: The Way We Were (#2.2)" (2004)
Seth Cohen: Today's topic: Capes - fey or kinda cool?

Seth Cohen: So, today's topics, we have some topics... The Hulk. He gets bigger, all his clothes rip off. Except... his pants. Why is that?

Seth Cohen: I'm afraid it is time once again for me to stand on that proverbial coffee cart and declare my love for her.

Seth Cohen: Look at him. He's like, what, the conventionally attractive, you know, athletic, confident, just... completely non-neurotic, Wasp version of me...

Summer Roberts: What do you want from me, Cohen?
Seth Cohen: I just want you.
Summer Roberts: No, you don't. You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freaking Wonder Woman costume and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left...
Seth Cohen: I wanna make that up to you...
Summer Roberts: It has nothing to do with me, it is about you and it is always about you. What you need and what you want. You know, it seems that you only want me when you can't have me. You like the chase and that's all... so, you know what? You can have it.


"The O.C.: The Distance (#2.1)" (2004)
Kirsten: Seth, it's Mom.
Seth: Mom, hmm? Blonde, sharp Anglican features, cute little nose?
Kirsten: Come home.
Seth: Did Ryan come back?
Kirsten: Seth Ezekiel.
Seth: Okay, using the dreaded middle name is not the best way to forge a bond.

Seth: Ok, here's the deal. I hate it there. Now if you and Dad decide to move anywhere else on the planet then we can talk.

Seth: Huh, so we leave for three months, you tear the place apart.

Ryan Atwood: How'd you make it all the way from Newport on that little catamaran?
Seth: Hm. Well, Ryan, sit down, my son. It was a long and torturous journey, and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna sugar coat any details with you...
Ryan Atwood: Please don't.
Seth: -'cause we're friends. First, I sailed to Catalina. Then, I sailed to Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara, I ran out of snacks. Freaked out a little bit, pawned my boat for cash, took a Greyhound to Portland.
Ryan Atwood: You took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. But don't say it like that, cause it was a local. Okay, have you ever been in one of those? Okay, not for the faint of heart.
Ryan Atwood: I can't believe after all that you took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. I think we're definitely going to have to come up with a better story for school though, that'd be good.
Ryan Atwood: I don't know, I like the bus idea. It's cool.
Seth: Okay, what about maybe... boat sank, saved by whales? It's very Whale Rider.
Ryan Atwood: What else you' got?
Seth: I took a boat, boat sank, saved by a mermaid? Boat sank, stranded on a desert island...

Ryan Atwood: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem for me.


"The O.C.: The Gamble (#1.3)" (2003)
Seth: Hi, Summer. Seth Cohen.
Summer: I'm superstitious. Blow on these.
Seth: What?

Summer: [screams in delight and pulls him towards the table] You're not going anywhere, Sid.
Seth: Seth.
Summer: Whatever!

Seth: What are you doing?
Kirsten: Taking a Newpsie break.

Kirsten: I have dropped all the charges, I have even hired someone to find his mother. What more do you want?
Seth: I want you to come with me.
Julie: Kirsten? Hi. We're talking about the bunting. Is acetate ok?
Kirsten: Yeah.
Julie: Great.
Kirsten: Give me 15 minutes to lose the ladies.


"The O.C.: The L.A. (#1.22)" (2004)
Summer: I'm sorry. Can we go home? Somewhere with real people?
Seth Cohen: You think we're gonna find that at home? We live in Newport Beach.

Seth Cohen: I heard this terrible music and I knew it could only be self-absorbed actors with musical instruments.

Seth: I'm gonna declare this month "Angst Free Ryan" Month.
Ryan: A month? You think it's gonna last all month?
Seth: "Angst Free Ryan" Week, with an option for an extra week, if you like it.

Seth: [both in shocked silence] I can't believe they were at a motel, it's so cheap, so tawdry.
Ryan: Yeah, cause that's the real moral of the story here.
Seth: How could he do it? I mean, I get how he could do it, it's Mrs Cooper.
Ryan: What about her? It's her daughter's ex-boyfriend. If Marissa ever found out
Seth: No, she can not find out, she doesn't handle bad news well at all.


"The O.C.: The Outsider (#1.5)" (2003)
Seth Cohen: You know what I was thinking? I think that this being your last night and all, we should do something special. I don't know what. Possibly get a couple of tattoos or some hookers and lose our virginity. Right? Okay, dude, I don't know. There's a shark movie at the IMAX. If that's what you're into.
Ryan Atwood: [smiles] I just want to take it easy.

Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.

Summer: What are you doing? I need you to introduce me to...
Seth: You know what Summer? No.
Summer: What?
Seth: All you've done this entire evening is use me to meet rich, older guys.
Summer: That is not true. Ok, maybe a little.
Seth: Do you have any idea how depressing it is to listen to you babbling away about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your boobs?
Summer: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
Seth: Who cares. The point is that they don't care about you. They don't know who you are, in fact I'll bet that none of these guys knows that every day of third grade you used to share your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that big fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel!
Seth: AND none of those guys was there the day you had to read your poem aloud in class and your hand was shaking you were so nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
Summer: Poem? What poem?
Seth: 'I... wish I were a mermaid'
Summer: You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.
Seth: 'I wish I were a mermaid, and friends with all the fish. A shiny tail and sea shells, that
[Summer kisses him]
Seth: would be my wish.'

Seth Cohen: I do think from now on though, we gotta stick together because united, we're unstoppable. But divided, its like...
Ryan Atwood: People get shot.


"The O.C.: The Best Chrismukkah Ever (#1.13)" (2003)
Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses working on my side.

Ryan: You better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle.
Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.

Seth: My father, the struggling Jew from the Bronx... and my mother, Waspy McWasp.

[Summer tries to impress the comic-obsessed Seth by dressing as Wonder Woman]
Seth: [clearly impressed] I think I'm gonna pass out.
Summer Roberts: [throws the Lasso of Truth around Seth] You're not going anywhere.


"The O.C.: The Perfect Storm (#3.5)" (2005)
Seth Cohen: If Taylor's going to fall for your plan, we need to speak in a language she'll understand.
Summer Roberts: Are you trying to say that you believe me?
Seth Cohen: No, not exactly, but there's just no other options. Do you have her cellphone number?
Summer Roberts: What? We're not going to call her. She's not a moron, just evil.
Seth Cohen: We're not going to call her, my little dim sum, we're going to text her. Or should I say, Dean Hess is.
[hands her a sidekick]
Summer Roberts: You got the bedazzled one? Pink, too? Wait, we can't text her an apology. We're texting her an apology?
Seth Cohen: Nope, an invitation. I got a room at the Mermaid Motel.
Summer Roberts: You mean the place where Ryan may or may not have conceived Theresa's baby and where Marissa's mom and Luke got it on?
Seth Cohen: Newport's very own den of sin.
Summer Roberts: Ew. But I like it.
Seth Cohen: We can even, I mean, if we have some free time ...
[Summer looks disgusted]
Seth Cohen: Whatever.

Seth: I got a room at the Mermaid Hotel.
Summer: You mean the place where Ryan may or may not have conceived Theresa's baby, and where Marissa's mom got in on with Luke?
Seth: Newport's very own "Den of Sin."
Summer: Ew. But I like it.

Summer Roberts: Will you quit peeping out the window, Cohen?
Seth Cohen: [still looking through window] You don't peep out of windows. You peep into them.
Summer Roberts: You'd know.

Seth Cohen: [about Ryan, who is quitting school] He got a job on a fishing boat. He leaves tomorrow night.
Summer Roberts: Wait, what? Are you serious? Your dad's, like, letting him go?
Seth Cohen: He's pulling the old Sandy Cohen Jedi mind-meld on him. Trying to break his will by agreeing with him.
Summer Roberts: Oh, like he did with you? Which you fell for because you were both spineless and weak.
Seth Cohen: Yes, exactly. But this is Ryan we're talking about.


"The O.C.: The Proposal (#1.24)" (2004)
Marissa: Besides, I'm not the only one crying.
Seth: I'm sorry what? I'm allergic, OK, and there is so much pollen in here right now. It's ridiculous.
Marissa: It's OK.
Seth: Hey tomorrow we are watching football, OK?
Summer: Football season is five months away.
Seth: ESPN Classics, OK, we watch old games.

Seth: Summer did all the building. And the heavy lifting and the wiring of the electronics but I painted.

Summer: You're such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth: You're a dandy, woman.

Summer: And we looked through all your toys and we couldn't find any plastic horses but we did find this.
Marissa: Share Bear? Wow!
Seth: She'll watch over you with her Care Bear Stare.
Ryan Atwood: How'd you know about the Care Bear Stare?
Seth: I painted that.


"The O.C.: The Mallpisode (#2.15)" (2005)
Seth Cohen: Now that you and I are back together and Lindsay's out of the picture, who knows, maybe Marissa and Ryan might get it together.
Summer Roberts: Are you crazy? There were, like, the worst couple ever. And besides, Marissa's happy now.
Seth Cohen: Okay. And by happy you mean... you mean gay.
Summer Roberts: That's funny.

Seth Cohen: What happens in the mall, stays in the mall.

Seth Cohen: It seems like the Fantastic Four is becoming fantastic again.

Seth Cohen: [sees Sandy working under the kitchen sink] Oh, father, I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb Nichol: Exactly what I said.
Sandy Cohen: Nothing like a good crack about a plumber.


"The O.C.: The Homecoming (#1.11)" (2003)
Marissa: Hey, so, Seth, did you know that Ryan did musicals?
Seth: Ryan, that's extremely minty of you. I didn't know they has musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they even had dancing or, or laughter.
Ryan: That's 'cause no-one lived there as funny as you.

[during the holidays, Seth tries to juggles Anna and Summer without letting them know about each other]
Anna: [as Seth returns from the pool house, where he has been with Summer] Where have you been?
Seth: Ryan just asked me to feed his sea monkeys while he was away.
Anna: Ryan has sea monkeys? I love them! Can I see them?
Seth: [desperate] No! Uh... you can't see them, that is, well, because they're dead. Suicide. You know how the holidays can be.

Seth: Mom! Marissa went to Chino with Ryan!
Kirsten Cohen: What! Sweety, I can't here you!
Seth: Mom, Marissa and Ryan are Chino!
Julie Cooper: Marissa's in Chino?
Seth: No, I said Marissa has my chinos! God, I love those pants!


"The O.C.: The Blaze of Glory (#2.16)" (2005)
Seth Cohen: I gotta say, this year, not as good as last.
Ryan Atwood: You think?
Seth Cohen: I do. I mean, look, we all tried some new things, and that was fun. Yard guys, illegitimate daughters, less fighting, more live music...
Ryan Atwood: Well, I think you remember last year as better because it was all new.
Seth Cohen: So you think I've sentimentalized the past all out of proportion?
Ryan Atwood: Yeah, come on. We can't keep living in last year.
Seth Cohen: Sure we can.

Seth Cohen: Well, Coop, I think I got...
Marissa Cooper: First of all, only Summer calls me Coop.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, but I figured, we're back together now, and, you know, A equals C and B equals C, then A equals B. You know what I'm sayin'.
Marissa Cooper: No, I really don't

Seth Cohen: That is one angry lesbian.


"The O.C.: The Girlfriend (#1.6)" (2003)
Caleb Nichol: You're not serious. You're still smoking the weed, aren't you?
Kirsten Cohen: Dad!
Seth Cohen: Daddy smoked weed?
Kirsten Cohen: Out now. Private conversation.
Seth Cohen: Ryan, guess who's a stoner!

Seth: Is it twisted to find my potential grandma really hot?
Ryan: Not when she looks like that.

Summer Roberts: What are you doing? I need you to introduce me to...
Seth Cohen: Hey, you know what Summer? No.
Summer Roberts: What?
Seth Cohen: All you've done this whole evening is use me to meet rich, older guys.
Summer Roberts: Ok, that is not true
[Seth looks at her]
Summer Roberts: Ok, maybe a little.
Seth Cohen: Do you have any idea how depressing it is to listen to you babbling away about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your boobs?
Summer Roberts: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
Seth Cohen: Who cares. The point is that none of those guys really knows you. They don't care about who you really are. In fact, I'll bet they have no idea that every day of third grade you shared your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that big fat squirrel.
Summer Roberts: I hated that mean squirrel.
Seth Cohen: And, none of those guys was there the day you had to read your poem aloud in class and your hand was shaking because you were so nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
Summer Roberts: Poem? What poem?
Seth Cohen: "I... wish I was a mermaid"
Summer Roberts: You remember that? That must've been, like, sixth grade.
Seth Cohen: "I wish I was a mermaid, and friends with all the fish, a shiny tail and seashells, that's-
[Summer kisses him]
Seth Cohen: what I would wish"


"The O.C.: The Family Ties (#2.7)" (2005)
Seth Cohen: The story's old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.

Seth Cohen: I'm so screwed. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta called Sylvia.

[Seth and Ryan get home and Seth is drunk]
Seth: Oh, I know who lives here.
Ryan: Yeah.
Seth: It's the Cohen residence in the hizzy.
Ryan: [stops car in the drive-way] Okay, we gotta be really stealth here.
Seth: Hey,I was on camp capture the flag, Camp Takahoa, I invented the stealth.
Ryan: [smiles] Right, you did.
Seth: I sure did.
Ryan: But you're yelling, you need to be quiet.
Seth: I haven't been this wased
[whispers]
Seth: since you first night in Newport, when we beat up those kids.
[gets louder]
Seth: With a little bit, little bit of that,
[getting out of the car]
Seth: With a little bit of thaaat Little bit of that.
[falls on trash cans]
Sandy: What's going on? You guys okay? Seth?
Seth: [gets up] Shhh! We're being stealth. Shh.
[jumps on the car hood and flips]


"The O.C.: The O.C. Confidential (#2.20)" (2005)
Summer: You did not just give me the finger.
Seth: I didn't give you "the" finger.

Seth: I cannot believe I missed Death Cab. Just kill me. Seriously, shoot me in the face. Speaking of which, is Summer around?

[Seth and Ryan are looking for two drug dealers outside the Bait Shop]
Seth: Well they're not that way, 'cause that's the ocean.


"The O.C.: The Goodbye Girl (#1.21)" (2004)
Seth: [trying not to cry] Anna, wait a second. What am I going to do without you? Who am I going to play Jenga with? You're so wise and all your sage wisdom, what am I going to do without that?
Anna: [smiles] Confidence, Cohen.

Seth: [Journey's "Seperate Ways" plays on car radio] Come on, man. Her flight leaves soon.
Ryan Atwood: I'm doing 75 in a 65, all right?
Seth: [mimicking Ryan] "I'm doing 75 in a - " Everyone knows 80 is the new 75.
Ryan Atwood: What? Who talks like that?
Seth: What is up with this a.c? My Jewfro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
Ryan Atwood: The a.c's fine.
Seth: What is this music?
Ryan Atwood: Do not insult Journey. All right?


"The O.C.: The SnO.C. (#2.5)" (2004)
Kirsten Cohen: Why is that ninja smoking a cigarette?
Sandy Cohen: Honey, I don't actually think that's a ninja. Ninjas usually wear capes, right?
Kirsten Cohen: Oh, so a ninja's like a superhero.
Seth Cohen: Mom, Dad, you two enjoy. Ryan, give me five minutes.
Sandy Cohen: Where are you going? Come on back.
Ryan Atwood: Nice work.
Sandy Cohen: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.

Seth Cohen: These are fists. Or, as I like to call them, my twin ambassadors of pain.


"The O.C.: The Heavy Lifting (#3.15)" (2006)
Seth: Summer found my stash.
Ryan: You don't have any visible bruises. Did she... did she go for the kidneys?

Seth: Trust me, man, no girl wants to be alone on Valentine's Day.
Ryan: ...and you know this because?
Seth: Because inside my manly exterior beats the heart of a 14-year-old girl.


"The O.C.: The Ex-Factor (#2.9)" (2005)
Seth Cohen: I am a man in the desert. I'm dying of thirst. You have a thermos full of Kool-Aid. Come on, give me a sip. Did you meet the ex? I know you did.
Ryan Atwood: All right. Yes, I did.
Seth Cohen: And, who is he?
Ryan Atwood: He... is a she.

Ryan Atwood: So Alex hooked up with a girl. It's not a big deal.
Seth Cohen: Ryan, my girlfriend dated a girl. It's a very big deal. There's only one thing Ì can do to make it okay.
Zach Stevens: You're gonna hook up with a guy?


"The O.C.: The Telenovela (#1.20)" (2004)
Anna: Now she's got you... There's nothing scarier than that.
Seth: Nothing's scarier than being with me, or do you mean like, anyone?
Anna: Look, once you get what you want, that's when you've got something to lose. She's afraid of losing you, Cohen
Seth: Why? I'm not going anywhere.

Kirsten Cohen: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.


"The O.C.: The Second Chance (#2.11)" (2005)
Summer Roberts: Is that Marissa?
Seth Cohen: Yeah. Or as I like to call her, Cosmo Girl. Passion for fashion, and a magic flask.
Summer Roberts: Alcohol as a superpower. Well, that is an interesting take.

Summer Roberts: Do not forget about my rage blackouts.
Seth Cohen: I have not. In fact, it's part of your superpowers.
Summer Roberts: Really?
Seth Cohen: Yeah, it's very Hulk-like.
Summer Roberts: But I'm not gonna turn green, am I?


"The O.C.: The Heights (#1.9)" (2003)
Seth: Open your mind here, dad. This isn't me we're talking about. With Ryan here, we have a chance to have a real athlete in the family. Someone to achieve all that your Jewishness has prevented me from accomplishing.

Seth: I like to think I can convey everything with a look.
Kirsten Cohen: Well, you look adorable!
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Cute?
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Dope?
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Rad?
Seth: Please, please, this is so painful for me!
Kirsten Cohen: Hey Sandy, dosen't Seth look rad?
Sandy Cohen: Oh, you do look rad! Mad props son!


"The O.C.: The Cliffhanger (#3.14)" (2006)
Seth: Oh no, the Atwood grunt, that's never a good sign

Seth: [Seth is high and just finished watching "Save the Last Dance" with Summer] This is pretty amazing too.
Summer: It's just a blue screen Cohen.
Seth: I know, it's so blue. I never realized it was so blue before. It's kind of like I wanna go swimming in it or something.
Summer: Yeah...
Seth: A little dippy-dip.
Summer: Kay, it's pretty blue. Will you excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Seth: Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. We should... we should take our pants off.


"The O.C.: The O.Sea (#2.23)" (2005)
Zach: Even when you're not being a couple you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
Seth: Um, Luke and Leah were brother and sister.

Seth: Dude, Reed is all over us, and not in a good way.


"The O.C.: The College Try (#3.22)" (2006)
Seth Cohen: Dr. Overbee, I have to get in here, okay? And it's not just because I love it, although I do, truly I do. It's because of a girl. Her name is Summer Roberts, and she's going here. And if I don't get in I'm going to lose her, and the rest of my life is going to be ruined.
Dr. Overbee: So this is about a girl?
Seth Cohen: Yes. It's about *the* girl.

Seth Cohen: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half Indian, half Jewish. I am a Hinjew.


"The O.C.: The Sleeping Beauty (#4.5)" (2006)
Taylor Townsend: You might want to sit down because I have HUGE news and a favor to ask you.
Seth Cohen: You like Ryan, and you want my help convincing him to date you.
Taylor Townsend: Wow.
Seth Cohen: You said he was funny. That was kind of a giveaway.
Taylor Townsend: I know. It's crazy. I mean, I've always thought, cute guy, might be good for a night of rough and tumble fun, but it's not like we have anything in common -
Seth Cohen: - So ignore it, it's probably just gas.

Taylor Townsend: [explaining her new crush on Ryan] - then, when he helped me with my husband, and he kissed me, it was like Dorothy landing in Oz. Everything popped into Technicolor.
Seth Cohen: Ah.
Taylor Townsend: [offended] You think I don't know what that means?
Seth Cohen: I said "ah."
Taylor Townsend: Meaning "Ah, that Taylor. She is so pathetic. Someone's the least bit nice to her and she becomes totally obsessed with them. First me, and then her French husband when he lent her a subway ticket, now Ryan."
Seth Cohen: Well, isn't it kinda true?
Taylor Townsend: So what? Yes. I have a psychological predilection to become romantically attached to men who are nice to me, due to the fact I was raised by a she-wolf of a mother who practiced emotional terrorism. Does that mean, that if by some miracle, love does come into my life, I should deny it? What kind of person would that make me? What kind of life -
Seth Cohen: [tired of her talking] - What do you want me to do?


"The O.C.: The Perfect Couple (#1.10)" (2003)
Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic: The Gathering.
Ryan: You're still playing Magic.
Seth: But not as much.

Summer: I like Seth Cohen.
Seth: You, uh, what now?
Summer: Nothing. I wasn't talking to you. And if you tell anyone what you heard here, I'll kill you.


"The O.C.: The Rescue (#1.8)" (2003)
Seth: It's pronounced Tee-ah-HUANA. God, Mom, you are so white.

Seth: He's on a diet.
Kirsten: Why is he on a diet?
Seth: I don't know.
Kirsten: Well, I'm going to go ask.
Seth: No, Mom, he's in, like, a Zen concentration mode.
Kirsten: Well, he has to eat.
Seth: He's naked!


"The O.C.: The Showdown (#2.22)" (2005)
Seth: Well, today's the first day back from spring break, and I was planning on telling Summer, about that little... misunderstanding in Miami.
Sandy: Where you licked the whipped cream off the girl's naked stomach... and ate the cherry out of her mouth?


"The O.C.: The Return of the Nana (#2.21)" (2005)
Sandy: Fellas, you got everything?
Seth Cohen: I got my cardigan, my orthopedic shoes and my humidifier. Now take me to my people.


"The O.C.: The Graduates (#3.25)" (2006)
Sandy Cohen: I love you, kid.
Seth Cohen: I can't say I love you to another man, but I have much affection for you as well.


"The O.C.: The Day After Tomorrow (#3.20)" (2006)
Ryan Atwood: Seth, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
Seth Cohen: Did I get in? Now who's smoking pot? Listen to me, the only class I've ever gotten less than an A in was gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs Rushfield cry. So of course I... Oh God, how did I not get in?


"The O.C.: The Father Knows Best (#2.13)" (2005)
Seth Cohen: No, I'm not wallowing, Ryan, I'm agonizing. The two are vastly different.
Ryan Atwood: Really?
Seth Cohen: Yeah. See, wallowing, that's, like, lounging around eating ice cream, watching, eh, VH1. But agonizing, that's more like MTV2, okay. It's no thrills, requires discipline.


"The O.C.: The Night Moves (#4.15)" (2007)
Seth Cohen: [Ryan has woken up in the hospital after getting hurt in the earthquake, Seth is sitting in a chair in his room] Although, you're going to have to wrap your head about the fact that we're really brothers now... We're blood brothers.
Ryan Atwood: You... donated blood?
Seth Cohen: Eh, I had an extra few pints flowing through my veins. It was no big deal.
Ryan Atwood: Hm. You're not a big fan of needles.
Seth Cohen: Nor of fainting, it turns out. But, the bank was a little low and us O negative guys gotta stick together.
Ryan Atwood: Hm. It's weird, cause all of the sudden I have this strange urge to listen to Death Cab and read comic books.
Seth Cohen: For real?
Ryan Atwood: No. I'm kidding.


"The O.C.: The Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah (#3.10)" (2005)
Seth: No wait, listen to me. This wouldn't be just an ordinary bar mitzvah, you know what this would be? Wait for it... wait... A Chrismuckkah Bar mitzvahkkah. Spell that dude!
Ryan: That's crazy.
Seth: Yeah? So crazy that it just might work.
Marissa: So we throw a big party...
Summer: And Ryan gets the money from the bar mitzvah?
Marissa: And then we can spend the money for Johnny's surgery.
Ryan: How's this going to work? Am I just gonna stand in front of Newport and sing in Hebrew?
Seth: You chant, and hell yes.


"The O.C.: The New Era (#2.4)" (2004)
Seth Cohen: Her with the tattoo, you with the wristband, that's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney, the 50 Cent to her ... Mrs Cent.


"The O.C.: The Links (#1.16)" (2004)
Ryan: I don't play golf.
Seth: Not true buddy. You just don't play well.


"The O.C.: The Rivals (#1.17)" (2004)
Sandy: [Sandy and Seth are discussing Danny, Summer's new boyfriend]
Sandy: Whoa, that kid is not funny.
Seth: Thank you. I know.
Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.
Sandy: Gentiles. I love your mother more than words, but not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.


"The O.C.: The Pot Stirrer (#3.13)" (2006)
Ryan: [Seth has been smoking pot due to stress of going to college] Well, it's-it's-it's almost 3:30. Isn't our interview at 4:00?
Seth: [high] What're you talking about?
[looks at clock]
Seth: Hey, how'd that happen?
Ryan: Well, are you ready?
Seth: Am I ready? Do me a favor.
[pulls up shirt sleeve and feels bicep]
Seth: Go ahead and feel that. Feel that puppy right there.
Ryan: No, dude, no.
Seth: Okay, you don't wanna touch another man. I get it.
[Ryan frowns and sniffs the air]
Seth: I get it. You find my slender swimmers body, um, intimidating.
Ryan: [confused] Something smells.
Seth: No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. But they say the first sign of, uh, a brain tumor is, uh, phantom smells, so you should lie down.
[Ryan finds can of air freshener]
Seth: Hey. Hey. You solved it. You figured it out. That's- You're mystery solver. You're like Encyclopedia Brown. Remember Encyclopedia Brown? He went on down to Texas to solve the mystery of the Great Shootout.
[Ryan raises his eyebrows]
Seth: Hey, how bout this for a change? How bout in a cage match, Encyclopedia Brown versus The Great Brain
[Looks at Ryan completely straight faced]
Seth: to the death.
Ryan: [pause] Are you high?
Seth: Am I high? No! No, come on, man. I love when you go for the comedy.
[Ryan looks at Seth and goes over to the desk]
Seth: But I would not quit your day job beatin up, uh, people.
[Ryan moves the book off of the ashtray]
Seth: I wouldn't.
Seth: [Ryan picks up ashtray and holds it out to Seth] I don't know how that got there.


"The O.C.: The Last Waltz (#3.4)" (2005)
Seth Cohen: [to Summer:] You plan the dance, you leave the toilets to me.
[stands up]
Seth Cohen: I was hoping that'd sound more heroic.


"The O.C.: The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't (#2.6)" (2004)
Seth Cohen: [to Lindsay] Congratulations, you're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.


"The O.C.: The Brothers Grim (#2.17)" (2005)
Ryan Atwood: If we haven't gotten Trey out of the store... I swear he would've taken the guy out.
Seth Cohen: So he's got rage issues... like uh... like Summer, or...
Ryan Atwood: He's just got a lot of pride, you know...


"The O.C.: The End's Not Near, It's Here (#4.16)" (2007)
Seth: I've been doing some checking-up on your new roommate. His favorite book and movie are Da Vinci Code. He's no me.
Ryan: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Seth: At least I leave you funnier than when I found you.
Ryan: I'm a lot better off than when you found me.
Seth: Me too.


"The O.C.: The Secrets and Lies (#3.19)" (2006)
Seth Cohen: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I've got a six-pack myself, I know.
Summer Roberts: Oh, Cohen, those are your ribs.


"The O.C.: The Swells (#3.6)" (2005)
Sandy: Where's Marissa?
Summer: Oh, she can't make it. She's busy.
Ryan: Oh, is she studying? Cause... I've been known to get her to blow off some homework.
Summer: Uh, she's not studying. She's at the beach... with Johnny.
[Awkward silence]
Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Summer: I'm just the messenger.


"The O.C.: The Earth Girls Are Easy (#4.8)" (2006)
Seth Cohen: [putting down the bag with the pregnancy test] When I found out it was your pregnancy test I totally freaked out, and I thought, this'll change everything. But then Ryan asked me if I could imagine a time when I'd ever not wanna be with you, and I realized that the answer is no.
Summer Roberts: I'm totally pregnant, aren't I?
Seth Cohen: I don't know.
Summer Roberts: What do you mean you don't know?
[Seth holds up a ring]
Summer Roberts: Is that gonna like squirt invisible ink or something?
Seth Cohen: No, but it will make you engaged to me.
Summer Roberts: What? Are you insane?
Seth Cohen: Possibly, but I'm certain on this.
Summer Roberts: No, Cohen, we can't.
Seth Cohen: Sure we can, we're both adults, we don't share DNA...
Summer Roberts: But...
Seth Cohen: You just have to want to. I do.
Summer Roberts: Don't you think we should look at the test first?
Seth Cohen: And have you wonder for the rest of your life if I proposed to you because you're pregnant? I'm doing this because I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
Summer Roberts: You know, once you do this, you can't take it back.
Seth Cohen: I know. Summer Roberts, will you marry me?


"The O.C.: The Dawn Patrol (#3.21)" (2006)
Summer: The break-up is off. That's right, I broke up with you, and technically it's within my power to technically un-break us up.
Seth Cohen: You can do that?
Summer: Technically, I just did. So unless you can explain to my satisfaction what your deal is and why you suddenly don't want to be together next year, we're back on. Technically, efficiently, completely.


"The O.C.: The Gringos (#4.2)" (2006)
Seth: So where we goin?
Ryan: Mexico.
Seth: Perfect, I need Chiclets.


"The O.C.: The Third Wheel (#1.15)" (2004)
Oliver Trask: So Luke is...
Seth: Yeah, we don't let him out much.


"The O.C.: The Strip (#1.26)" (2004)
Theresa Diaz: I'm probably going to be out of here in a couple of days. I can't impose on Seth's parents forever.
Seth Cohen: Sure you can. I intend to.


"The O.C.: The Man of the Year (#3.24)" (2006)
Seth Cohen: Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean - I feel like you.
Ryan Atwood: Well, now that you're on a roll, are you going to tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown, too?
Seth Cohen: Yeah, I don't think so.