Bartleby Gaines
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Quotes for
Bartleby Gaines (Character)
from Accepted (2006)

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Accepted (2006)
Bartleby Gaines: You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing.
Sherman Schrader: I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon. But then I realized, I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology. I said it, okay? I said it.
Bartleby Gaines: So you're saying... you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. head?
Sherman Schrader: I'm saying I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.

Bartleby Gaines: Nah, I'm not going to answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces, and it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look and not by who we are, just because you want us to be more like them when the truth is we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College and their - their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what? Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a bit different? Of putting so much pressure on kids they turn into these - these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
Dean Van Horne: Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!
Bartleby Gaines: Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?
Dean Van Horne: Your curriculum is a joke, and you, sir, are a criminal.
Bartleby Gaines: You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion. That's the real crime! Well, what about you parents? Did -did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I - I lied to you. I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. Dad, especially to you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. Life was full of possibilities, and isn't that what you ultimately want for us? As parents, I mean, is - is that, is possibilities. Well, we came here today to ask for your approval, and something just occurred to me: I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval? We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. 'Cause there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you just know it. And I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. 'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or - or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shit-load at South Harmon. So you can go ahead, sign your forms, reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning, and we'll never stop growing, and we'll never forget the ideals what were instilled in us at our place, 'cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us, so GO!

Bartleby Gaines: Listen guys, there are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. Albert Einstein. You know? Pocahontas never went to college. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim; they had a great run. Both Lewis and Clark. Suzanne Somers. Bono.

Sherman Schrader: Who was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh, that's our mascot
Sherman Schrader: A sandwich? You're the SHIT Sandwiches?

[Dean Van Horne's BMW explodes as he walks toward it in Harmon College parking lot]
Bartleby Gaines: [cut to Bartleby Gaines and Freaky Student standing on hill on other side of parking lot]
[Bartleby exhales in disbelief]
Bartleby Gaines: Whoa!
Freaky Student: I told ya.

Bartleby Gaines: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that they're gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines: I... I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben: DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines: [quietly] Holy shit...
Jack Gaines: [after long pause] ... Which is?
Uncle Ben: ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines: I couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines: It is so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben: Fuckin' A!

Bartleby Gaines: Hey Shrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Sherman Schrader: Oh, yeah I do, actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.

Bartleby Gaines: What the hell happened?
Glen: An explosion of flavor. I'm working with some very unstable herbs.

Bartleby Gaines: And they all paid first semester's tuition?
Rory: Yep. 10,000 bucks apiece. I stopped counting after the first 100 checks.
Glen: That's 74 million dollars.
Rory: It's a million dollars, Glen.
Glen: Yeah... In human dollars.

Bartleby Gaines: Remember that time we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, and then Lizzie was born.
Bartleby Gaines: It's worse than that.

Sherman Schrader: [screams loudly and high-pitched]
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, what the hell was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Uh, this is embarrassing.
Bartleby Gaines: Are you kidding me?
Sherman Schrader: It'd be really cool if you guys wouldn't... tell people I scream like that.

Sherman Schrader: It was your idea to put "acceptance is just one click away"
Bartleby Gaines: Yeah, you put it as "one click away"! You don't make it... clickable!

Bartleby Gaines: Glen since when have you been working at the kwik and stop?
Glen: since I got boned HARD by every college I applied to
Bartleby Gaines: why what happened?
Glen: some political crap I got a zero on my SAT's.
Sherman Schrader: you do know you get 600 points just for signing your name right?
Glen: ...aw DAMNIT!

Bartleby Gaines: Hey Rory, hows it goin? What's wrong?
Rory: I... I... I- I didn't get into Ya- I didn't get into... I-I-I I didn't get into Yal- I didn't get into Yale.
Bartleby Gaines: What? Why not?
Rory: Well, there's no room for Rory at Yale! No, too many mediocre rich kids with well-connected parents.

Bartleby Gaines: Why'd you get fired?
Glen: I got fired for making a shrimp slushy.
Bartleby Gaines: That's disgusting! Why would you do that pal?
Glen: 'Cause I was hungry and thirsty!

Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.
Sherman Schrader: Scared? I'm not scared. You're scared.
Hands: Schrader, you were scared to try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
Sherman Schrader: I told you that in confidence Hands!
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, you were afraid when you're tooth fell out because you were terrified of the Tooth Fairy.
Sherman Schrader: That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifling through my shit.

Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, what about you? What do you want to learn?
Sherman Schrader: Well, B, I'm glad you asked actually, 'cause since we're going to prison, I'm gonna learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.

Rory: Ever since nursery school, every single waking moment of every single day has been scheduled. So what do I want to do? Nothing.
Bartleby Gaines: Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like it.

Bartleby Gaines: Does the run-of-the-mill college experience include stripping you of your dignity? Totally humiliating you, making you wear a... a... frigging hot dog suit?
Sherman Schrader: It's a tradition.
Bartleby Gaines: A tradition?
Sherman Schrader: Yes.
Bartleby Gaines: I've got a tradition for you. Schrader, you've been my best friend since we were 5 years old. That's the only tradition I know.

Hoyt Ambrose: You want me to give you something funny to laugh about?
Bartleby Gaines: You mean funnier than your future alcohol abuse?
Glen: BATTLE ROYALE

Jack Gaines: [on the phone] Tell me what classes you're taking?
Bartleby Gaines: [on the phone] Classes? Right, I'm taking
[sees kids playing craps]
Bartleby Gaines: statistics, and uhh
[sees kids dealing drugs]
Bartleby Gaines: business, and
[sees girl nearly taking her bikini off]
Bartleby Gaines: an... a... tomy...
Jack Gaines, Diane Gaines: [on the phone] Anatomy?

Diane Gaines: Are you huffing?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh god.
Diane Gaines: Are you high?
Jack Gaines: You're huffing grass?
Bartleby Gaines: No I'm not huffing mom I'm not stoned I'm completely fine, infact I'm more clear and level headed than I've ever been.
Jack Gaines: Okay cut the crap Bartleby. Society has rules and the first rule is: You go to college. You wanna have a happy and successful life, you go to college. If you wanna be somebody, you go to college. If you wanna fit in, you go to college.
Bartleby Gaines: Well you know what maybe I didn't get into college!

Jack Gaines: Listen, I took another look at that website, what's all this be-what-you-wanna-be-crap?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh no no, dad they just have to say stuff like that just to keep from being sued.
Jack Gaines: Yeah well it sounds like a bunch of crap to me.

Bartleby Gaines: Schrader what about you?
Sherman Schrader: Well B I'm glad you asked actually because since we're going to prison, I wanna learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.
Bartleby Gaines: Okay ha ha. I'll tell you something though, all our lives we've been told what to learn, well today the tide is going to turn my friend because today we're gonna ask the customers.

Bartleby Gaines: [waving and fake smiling at girls leaving in their yellow buggy] Hey! I hate my life. I'm a huge tool. Have fun being hot.

Bartleby Gaines: I could go to jail.
Uncle Ben: Don't worry, you're young. Your butt can take it.