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: Wow, you've turned into a right sexy wee bastard. Do you know that? Tony Giardino
: Thanks, Mrs. Mackenzie. May Mackenzie
: Hasn't he? Charlie Mackenzie
: Oh, I think so.
: Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you gotta believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Betty, Judy, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they make me horny, Saturday morny... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney. Hey Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love.
: Alright, give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.
: So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes? Tony Giardino
: What do ya mean? Charlie Mackenzie
: You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch. Tony Giardino
: What do ya mean? I look hip! Charlie Mackenzie
: No no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop TRYING to look hip. Tony Giardino
: I AM an undercover cop trying to look hip.
: Hey Mom, I find it interesting that you refer to the Weekly World News as, "The paper." The paper contains facts. May Mackenzie
: This paper contains facts. And this paper has the eighth highest circulation in the whole wide world. Right? Plenty of facts. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact.
: I like the night life. I like to boogie.
: Maybe it is late. You know, I'll be honest with you, I had a really great time tonight and, uh, I'd really love to kiss you but I think that if I kiss you we'll end up kissing on the couch and if we end up kissing on the couch then chances are we'll kiss in the bedroom and if we kiss in the bedroom then, you know, tha-that's the part I always rush into and I just don't think it's a good idea to rush into spending the night together. Harriet Michaels
: I wanna spend the night together. Charlie Mackenzie
: I have no problem with that!
: Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows. Tony Giardino
: So who's in this Pentavirate? Stuart Mackenzie
: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!" Charlie Mackenzie
: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"? Stuart Mackenzie
: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!
: Do you actually like haggis? Charlie Mackenzie
: No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
: So bright women intimidate you? Charlie Mackenzie
: No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. But it's a shame I'm going to have to destroy you.
: Marry me. Harriet
: No. Charlie Mackenzie
: Tony, have you heard of this? Mrs. X? She murders her husbands on their honeymoons, then changes her identity and marries again. Tony Giardino
: I never heard of it. So what? Charlie Mackenzie
: I think I'm dating Mrs. X!
: What do you look for in a woman you date? Charlie Mackenzie
: Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I'd really have to go with breast size.
: You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called Fuck You. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.
] Charlie Mackenzie
: Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the *large* cappuccino. *Hello!* Look at the size of this thing. Tony Giardino
: It's practically a bowl. Charlie Mackenzie
: It's like Campbell's Cup-O'-ccino! Charlie Mackenzie
: [laughing at his Campbell's joke and wiping his tears
] Oh, My sides. Please. Aidez-moi.
: Look at the size of that boy's heed. Tony Giardino
: Shhh! Stuart Mackenzie
: I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick. Tony Giardino
: Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex. Stuart Mackenzie
: Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid. Tony Giardino
: Shh! Stuart Mackenzie
: Has it's own weather system. Tony Giardino
: Sh, sh, shh. Stuart Mackenzie
: HEAD! MOVE!
: I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.
: Let's get pissed!
: I'm afraid you're gonna ki - leave me. Harriet Michaels
: That I'm gonna cleave you?
: How many people have you brutally murdered? Harriet Michaels
: Well, brutal's a very subjective word. I mean, what's brutal to one person might be totally reasonable to somebody else.
: Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? "He wants you back," he screamed into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It's really hard. This poem... sucks.
: Alright, we have a piper who's down. It's alright, he's just pissed. We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is down!
: HEED! PANTS! NOW!
: I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit.
: Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life... Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called love.
: Come, let us dance like children of the night!
: No, not really. Usually I follow the Judao-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill". But, that's just me.
: Let me make you some breakfast. Charlie Mackenzie
: Oh, gee, you know, I'd love to. But you know, I'm really running late, but thanks! Rose Michaels
: What would you say to silver-dollar pancakes, fresh-squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee? Charlie Mackenzie
: Well, that sounds great!
[Cut to Rose pouring cereal in Charlie's bowl
] Rose Michaels
: Sorry. I didn't have those other things. Charlie Mackenzie
: No, no, that's fine. That other stuff will probably kill you... whereas "Froot Loops" are light, and reasonably high in fiber. I care for "Apple Jacks" a great deal.
: There's another one here. Native San Franciscan. Plumber. Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, disappeared four months ago, body was found in a sewer. Obituary Employee
: Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain.
] Charlie Mackenzie
: Did they mention anything about his wife? Obituary Employee
: All right, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people here. I'm sorry. Charlie Mackenzie
: No no, I'm serious. Did they mention the wife? Obituary Employee
: Look, I'm sorry you know. You know, I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives. Charlie Mackenzie
: No no, I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife? Obituary Employee
: You win, you win okay? I'm a bad person! Obituary Writer
: Just take it easy! Obituary Employee
: No, he's sayin' I'm insensitive! He's sayin' I'm a shit! Obituary Writer
: He's not sayin' you're a shit! Charlie Mackenzie
] Did they mention the wife? Did they mention the wife? Obituary Employee
: No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy?
[speaking to the whole office
] Obituary Employee
: YEAH! Oh yes, yeah. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop you're job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for!
] Obituary Writer
: He was my ride home. Charlie Mackenzie
: Tell me one bad thing that you've done, and it better be evil. Harriet Michaels
: How evil? Charlie Mackenzie
: Really evil. Like so evil, that you would say it was E-VEEL, like it's the FRU-ETS of the DEV-EEL. E-VEEL.
: [after Charlie has stayed all night at Stuart's house, and is finally leaving
] Fine. Go. You've stayed your hour.
: [as Harriet is meeting Charlie's parents for the first time
] Show her the picture of Charlie when he shit his pants at Niagara Falls!
: Well... you know Harriet. Charlie Mackenzie
: Well, actually, I don't. Rose Michaels
: But you did have sex with her. Charlie Mackenzie
: Thirty years ago today, May and I were married. Some of you were there, some of you weren't born, and some of you are now DEED! But, we both said "I do," and we haven't agreed on a single thing since. May Mackenzie
: That's true! Stuart Mackenzie
: But I'm glad I married you, May, because hey, could've been worse.
: [to Harriet
] Rose just tried to kill me!
: I have a surprise for you. Charlie Mackenzie
: What is it? Harriet Michaels
: It's a health shake. And I made it especially for you. Try it. Charlie Mackenzie
: Thank you, no. Thanks. Thanks.
] If you think I'm sexy and you want my body, all you've got to do is call.
: I could do anything to you in your sleep. Charlie Mackenzie
: What could you do? Harriet Michaels
: You know, anything. You're lying on your side, totally asleep, I could just... Oh... stick a needle in your...
] Charlie Mackenzie
: Rose, jailbird. Happy in her cage, no longer full of rage. She roosts. Harriet, sweet Harriet, you acted cuckoo 'cause you thought I would leave you. Sweet bird. Harriet, sweet Harriet, so knowing, so trusting, so love... ed. Harriet, sweet Harriet.
: [after Stuart and Harriet have been married
] Let's get pissed!
: [after exhausting a bagpipe player at Stuart and Harriet's wedding
] We have a piper who's down! Repeat, Piper Down!
: Charlie, would you like a juice? May Mackenzie
: Look at what I've bought myself, a Juice Tiger. Charlie Mackenzie
: A Juice Tiger? May Mackenzie
: Yes, I juice everything now. May Mackenzie
: I'm on a new diet. May Mackenzie
: I'm on a Weekly World News Garth Brooks Juice Diet.
: Larry Leonard, crooner, made a name for himself being able to sing in six different languages the song, "Only You. Charlie Mackenzie
: Yes, see? Tony Giardino
: Charlie, does Harriett even know the words to Only You? Charlie Mackenzie
: Well, I don't know Tony, we haven't reached that all too critical do you know the words to "Only You" phase in our relationship, so I'm afraid I'm not much help!