Felicia Tilman
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Quotes for
Felicia Tilman (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

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"Desperate Housewives: Remember Paul? (#7.1)" (2010)
Paul Young: I'm surprised you agreed to see me.
Felicia Tilman: I wanted to spit in your face. I didn't realise there'd be glass.

"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Lynette: What is it? Teeth?
Felicia Tilman: Dentures. They were my dear sister, Martha's. I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child.
Edie: Oh. Thank you.
Felicia Tilman: I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you and Martha were such close friends, Edie. I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by since she left us so abruptly. You know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail.
Edie: Felicia, uh, I think you've had enough.
Felicia Tilman: I do apologize if I've offended anyone, but while you all are chit-chatting and eating these yummy hors d'oeuvres, just remember you're in the company of a murderer.

"Desperate Housewives: Move On (#1.11)" (2005)
Felicia Tilman: I'm not worried, Edie. Martha and I have a very intense bond. We were connected at the most primal level and, a few days ago, I felt this sensation in my soul. That's when it first dawned on me that something had happened to my sister, and when she didn't arrive at my home as scheduled, well... that's when I knew she was dead.
Edie Britt: Oh, honey, no. You musn't think like that. Martha's only missing.
Felicia Tilman: [in a patronizing tone] No. Edie. She's dead. But she's my sister and I'm going to find out *exactly* what happened to her.
Edie Britt: Look, Felicia, it's... natural to freak out when a loved one's missing.
Felicia Tilman: Loved one? Oh. Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman, and the day she died, this world became a better place.

"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
Felicia Tilman: Paul? I was making cookies and I heard the most sickening thud. Are you okay?
Paul Young: There's shortening on my doorstep.
Felicia Tilman: Shortening? That's the last thing you'd want on your front porch. It's meant for baking.

"Desperate Housewives: Every Day a Little Death (#1.12)" (2005)
Felicia Tilman: [referring to the neighbors gathered outside after learning that her sister's body had been found] Look at them all - vultures, pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details.
Detective Copeland: I don't know. I think they just want to show their support.
Felicia Tilman: Please. Human beings *feed* on misery. Well, we might as well give the people what they want
[grins, then proceeds to address the crowd]
Felicia Tilman: Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister Martha would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is... Martha died a violent death. Yes I know. It's hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs... which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial and probably in great pain. But the good news is
Felicia Tilman: there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes... to your loved ones.
[heads back indoors, then suddenly turns around]
Felicia Tilman: Oh! In lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale day after tomorrow. Please,
[huge grin]
Felicia Tilman: no personal checks.