Porter Scavo
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Quotes for
Porter Scavo (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

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"Desperate Housewives: In a World Where the Kings Are Employers (#5.15)" (2009)
Porter Scavo: Ooh, Dad called a family meeting.
Parker Scavo: Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant.
Lynette Scavo: Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it.
Parker Scavo: Wow!
Preston Scavo: Is he gonna be okay?
Lynette Scavo: I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive, and you with me?
[all nod]
Tom Scavo: Hey guys, good, you're all here.
Penny Scavo: I love you daddy!
Lynette Scavo: Not yet.
Tom Scavo: I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria.
Lynette Scavo: Just know that we're 100% behind you.
Tom Scavo: That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette Scavo: Tom, what the hell are you talking about?
Tom Scavo: You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker Scavo: At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo.
Tom Scavo: Come on, we'll love working together,
Porter Scavo: Why? We don't even like living together.
Preston Scavo: You're not even going to pay us?
Penny Scavo: I'm nine, is that even legal?
Tom Scavo: I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday!
Parker Scavo: Mom, please do something.

[the twins decide to take a break as soon as a group of teenagers come in]
Lynette Scavo: What's going on here?
Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school.
Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom Scavo: Fine, don't wear the apron.
Porter Scavo: No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here.
[Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up]
Parker Scavo: [looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve-top, who's taking it?
Tom Scavo: I will.
[they all look shocked]

Tom Scavo: I had to let all of our employees go. So starting tomorrow you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette Scavo: Tom what the hell are you talking about?
Tom Scavo: I got it all worked out. You and I will handle the days and the kids will join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker Scavo: Um. At the risk of sounding spoiled. No.
Tom Scavo: come on it'll be fantastic! We'll love working together!
Porter Scavo: Why? we don't even like living together.
Tom Scavo: look labor is our number one cost if we can eliminate it we'll start making a profit again.
Preston Scavo: what you're not even gonna pay us?
Penny Scavo: I'm nine is that even legal?
Tom Scavo: I think so... but just to be safe you're now 15. Happy Birthday!

Porter Scavo: Just so you know, 30 years from now when you and dad are old and feeble...
Lynette Scavo: You're putting us in the cheapest nursing home you can find, yeah. I got it.

Lynette Scavo: [Preston sees a group of kids from his and Porters school and Porter and Preston decide to take a break] Wow, wow, wow, what's going on here?
Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school.
Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDermitt. The guy called me Jesus for a year cause i wore sandals one day if he sees me wearing this I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom Scavo: Fine don't wear the apron that's...
Porter Scavo: No. I'm not waiting on a kid who's going to make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here!
Tom Scavo: Humiliating?
Lynette Scavo: Guy's easy
Tom Scavo: No you're not humiliated when you use the money we make here to buy your clothes!
Lynette Scavo: Tom it's fine, I'll take the table
Tom Scavo: No no no no no no no your mother can't wait on this whole restaurant herself!
Porter Scavo: Well then you do it!
Tom Scavo: Porter I'm your father and your boss and I'm telling you right now to go take that table.
Porter Scavo: Or what your gonna fire me? go for it.
Tom Scavo: [grabs Porter by his collar and shoves him against the wall as Lynette gasps] Do you think this is a joke? This is my life!
Lynette Scavo: Tom!...
Tom Scavo: No!
[shakes Porter repeatedly]
Tom Scavo: you're worried about being embarrassed?
[shakes Porter while saying]
Tom Scavo: I've put everything I have into this restaurant!
Lynette Scavo: Alright that's enough! Let got of him! Let go of him! Let go of him!
Parker Scavo: Guys... I just set a twelve top. Who's taking it?
Tom Scavo: [sighs] ... I will...
[he walks off as everyone stares at him looking scared]

"Desperate Housewives: If It's Only in Your Head (#5.24)" (2009)
[Tom gets into college]
Parker Scavo: I can help you study if you want.
Tom Scavo: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese.
Preston Scavo: I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin.
Lynette Scavo: I'm so proud. Porter aren't you gonna congratulate your father.
Porter Scavo: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.

[Gaby wonders how Ana got the house clean so fast and then the Scavo twins come down the stairs]
Porter Scavo: We finished upstairs Ana!
Preston Scavo: Anything else you need done?
Ana Solis: They wanted to hang out but I had chores to do, so they insisted on helping me. Aren't they sweet!
Parker Scavo: [Comes in with a brush and cleaning gloves] Hey, um, I'm not bragging, and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toilet.
Gabrielle Solis: Ok boys thanks for your hard work but maybe it's time to go home and take a shower. Preferably a cold one.
Ana Solis: Bye Preston!
Porter Scavo: I'm Porter.
Preston Scavo: I'm Preston.
Parker Scavo: Oh, you can call me whatever you want!

Lynette Scavo: [Preston, Porter and Lynette help a drunk Tom inside] Ok, easy easy, you're a little drunk there.
Tom Scavo: [kiss Lynette] That's cause I love you Lynette
Lynette Scavo: I love you to baby, there you go.
Tom Scavo: [turns to Porter still helping him] And I love you Preston.
Porter Scavo: I'm Porter
Tom Scavo: I never could tell you two apart, but you're my favourite
[Porter raises his eyebrows and helps Tom to sit down, takes of Tom's shows for him]
Tom Scavo: Lynette how come you let me drink so many margaritas?
Preston Scavo: Yeah and why did we have to stay to closing? It's almost 2.00
Lynette Scavo: Who cares what time it is? We were celebrating a big change in your dad's life.
Tom Scavo: WOOHOO!
Lynette Scavo: Woo! Hey someone called.
[plays the message about the mix up with the time for Tom's test, for the next day at 8.00am]
Tom Scavo: Oh cram! I gotta crap for that test1
Lynette Scavo: Oh geez...

"Desperate Housewives: We're So Happy You're So Happy (#5.2)" (2008)
[Porter finds out he's been flirting with his mother online, when she signs a 'Dear John' letter to him 'Love Mom']
[He comes down to where she is at her computer, he has a very sad and betrayed look on his face, and he places a book of poetry in front of her and walks away, leaving her looking ashamed]
Lynette Scavo: [Porter is sitting at the table eating a sandwich] Hi, mind if I join you?
[he ignores her]
Lynette Scavo: OK, I know what I did was unforgivable and I am not trying to make excuses, but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you and then I was Sarah J and I had you back and we where talking again and you where telling me things.
Porter Scavo: [Mad at her] I wasn't telling you anything, I was telling her.
Lynette Scavo: [Porter looks sad] Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations and I'm going to miss them.
[She walks off]
Porter Scavo: [Whispers] Me too.

[Porter is listening to music on his headphones, when Lynette walks into his room, he removes them]
Lynette Scavo: Hey, got a sec?
Porter Scavo: Not really.
Lynette Scavo: So, I assume you know what happened to Jimmy Kimrado?
Porter Scavo: I guess.
Lynette Scavo: Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is 'I guess'?
Porter Scavo: He's not my friend.
[implying that he doesn't associate with people who sell drugs]
Lynette Scavo: What are you talking about, you where on the same little league team?
Porter Scavo: Yeah, a million years ago, anything else?
Lynette Scavo: No, not really.

"Desperate Housewives: Mother Said (#4.15)" (2008)
[the kids sneak into Lynette's room while she's asleep]
Parker Scavo, Preston Scavo, Porter Scavo: Happy Mother's Day!
Lynette Scavo: Oh my gosh, that is so sweet, thank you.
[Porter gives her a breafast in bed tray with breakfast on it]
Parker Scavo: We're gonna go get your present.
Porter Scavo: I hope you like turtles!

"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Lynette: You are going to behave today. I am not gonna be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know that I'm serious, I am...
[takes a piece of paper out of her pocket]
Porter Scavo: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell-phone number!
Preston Scavo: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Are you willing to risk that?

"Desperate Housewives: Getting Married Today (#3.23)" (2007)
Stella Wingfield: [Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.
Stella Wingfield: [they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?
Lynette Scavo: It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.
Stella Wingfield: Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.
[hands Parker a book]
Stella Wingfield: And for you and you.
[hands the twins books]
Parker Scavo: These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.
Stella Wingfield: Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.
Porter Scavo: We're eight.
Stella Wingfield: What do I care?
Lynette Scavo: Just say thank you.
[kids say 'thank you']
Stella Wingfield: [pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?
Parker Scavo: [looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!
Stella Wingfield: [to Lynette] Oh, is that Toms little B-a-s-t-a...
Tom Scavo: Ok kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

"Desperate Housewives: God, That's Good (#3.19)" (2007)
Parker Scavo: [after Lynette tells him no to fudgesickles] I told you she'd say no!
Porter Scavo: Mrs. McCluskey always has some fudgesickles.
Preston Scavo: Yeah, but she's in the hospital.
[they all smile]
Preston Scavo: [the twins hold open a window to Mrs. McCluskey's basement while Parker climbs in through it]
[He opens the chest freezer and finds some melted fudgesickles, but gets a wide-eyed look on his face when he sees a mans body]
Preston Scavo: [Parker comes out the door looking stunned] Where's the ice cream?
Parker Scavo: She didn't have any.
Porter Scavo, Preston Scavo: Awe man!
Porter Scavo: There wasn't anything good in there?
Parker Scavo: [deadpanned] No.

"Desperate Housewives: No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds (#3.11)" (2007)
[Lynette is giving dinner to the kids, Kayla walks over toward the TV with hers]
Lynette Scavo: Kayla, where are you going?
Kayla: To watch TV.
Lynette Scavo: Oh, sweety we don't watch TV during dinner.
Kayla: But my show is on.
Lynette Scavo: Well, I'm sorry those are the rules.
Kayla: My mommy let me.
Lynette Scavo: Just this once.
Lynette Scavo: [the twins give Lynette 'What gives?' looks, Parker crosses his arms] Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking, but Kayla's going through a hard time right now, come and sit down. Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ice cream when you're sick.
Porter Scavo: But she's not sick.
Lynette Scavo: That's true, but she's sad.
Parker Scavo: [cute or funny] I'm sad, I can't watch TV!
Lynette Scavo: Eat your tacos.
Lynette Scavo: [Kids give each other looks of agreement and get up to go over to the TV] Wow, wow, wow, sit your buts down.
Preston Scavo: It's not fair.
Lynette Scavo: I don't care, we have rules.
Porter Scavo: Well she gets to!
Lynette Scavo: She's special, now sit down! Come on.
Porter Scavo: Does she get dessert too?
Kayla: Of course I do.

"Desperate Housewives: Love Is in the Air (#1.14)" (2005)
Karen McCluskey: How old are your boys anyway?
[Preston and Porter look at each other]
Porter Scavo: We're six.
Karen McCluskey: [turns to Parker] And you?
Parker Scavo: Five.
Karen McCluskey: Wow. Your mom just pops them out, doesn't she?
Preston Scavo: How old are you?
Karen McCluskey: How old do you think?
Porter Scavo: 150.

"Desperate Housewives: Get Out of My Life (#8.14)" (2012)
[Lynette greets her twin sons coming to visit, then notices they have luggage and figures out they want to move back in, so she barricades herself in the house]
Preston Scavo: Please let us in, we're children of divorce.
Lynette Scavo: Exactly. Go to your dad's.
Preston Scavo: But we like you so much more.
Lynette Scavo: Don't give me that!
Porter Scavo: No, seriously... Dad has that stupid girlfriend.
Preston Scavo: And he's been so unfair to you.
Lynette Scavo: [letting them in] You had me at 'stupid girlfriend'.

"Desperate Housewives: Bang (#3.7)" (2006)
[Bree hears, on the TV, that someone, female has been shot, and thinks it could be Lynette]
Porter Scavo: Mrs. Hodge, when's mommy gonna be back from the store?
Bree Hodge: I'm sure she'll be back soon, why don't we have some... cookies?
Parker Scavo: Mommy said we can't have cookies before dinner.
Bree Hodge: Well, um, I'm sure she won't mind, come on.

"Desperate Housewives: Sweetheart, I Have to Confess (#3.6)" (2006)
Parker Scavo: How long will daddy be gone?
Lynette Scavo: Well that sorta depends on daddy.
Porter Scavo: Are you two mad at each other?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah, a little, but that's okay. We still love each other very much, but like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out.
Preston Scavo: Why can't he take a time-out in his room?
Lynette Scavo: Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place.
Parker Scavo: [Being cute, while petting his dog] No fair that sounds fun!
Lynette Scavo: Not this pizza place, it's a rat hole. But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home.
Porter Scavo: What's petulant?
Lynette Scavo: It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your future's.
Preston Scavo: Huh?
Lynette Scavo: It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, he'll learn a new one: grovel!