Carlos Solis
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Quotes for
Carlos Solis (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

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"Desperate Housewives: Back in Business (#5.4)" (2008)
Carlos Solis: [to Gabrielle] You want blind sex? I can arrange that?

Juanita Solis: What were you two doing?
Carlos Solis: Uh... we were, uh...

Carlos Solis: Why don't we just tell her the truth?
Gabrielle Solis: What? Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry.

Carlos: Why don't we just tell her the truth?
Gabrielle: What? That Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry.

"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Carlos Solis: At the Donahue party everyone was talking mutual funds, and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfield.
Gabrielle Solis: I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.

Gabrielle Solis: It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.
Carlos Solis: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.
Gabrielle Solis: I made over two hundred thousand doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

Gabrielle Solis: I really hate the way you talk to me.
Carlos Solis: And I really hate that I spent fifteen thousand dollars on your diamond necklace, that you couldn't live without. But I'm learning to deal with it.

"Desperate Housewives: Could I Leave You? (#2.17)" (2006)
Carlos: Oh, my god. Are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?
Gabrielle: No, plain I can handle. Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house, the clocks have stopped working.
Carlos: No one can predict what a child is gonna look like. For all you know, her kid could end up winning beauty contests.
Gabrielle: With her D.N.A., the only thing that kid's gonna be winning is best in show.

Eugene Beale: Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club.
Gabrielle: Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work.
Libby: You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer.
Carlos: Really?
Libby: Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you.
Carlos: Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it.

Carlos: That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents.
Gabrielle: Why?
Gabrielle: What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested.
Carlos: It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it.
Gabrielle: No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin.
Carlos: We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance.
Gabrielle: Well, that's different.
Carlos: Why?
Gabrielle: Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people.

"Desperate Housewives: Pretty Little Picture (#1.3)" (2004)
Carlos Solis: [to Gabrielle] You know what your problem is? You're very tense. You should go to a spa, or go shopping. Find a way to relax.

Rex: We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos.
Carlos Solis: You're not?
Rex: It's a story Bree concocted to cover the fact we're seeing a marriage counselor.
[Bree drops tray of food]
Rex: Bree! Bree!
[She takes his glass of wine]
Rex: He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro!
[to everyone]
Rex: Bree and I are in marriage counseling.
[to Bree]
Rex: Everyone knows our little secret now. Did the sky fall? Has your life come crashing down?

Carlos Solis: [to Gabrielle, about Bree] I'd probably cry too if I had to have sex with that woman.

"Desperate Housewives: God, That's Good (#3.19)" (2007)
Mike Delfino: [Mike walks into Carlos' room, Edie is hiding next to the door]
Mike Delfino: So uh... you got a girl in here?
Carlos Solis: No, why?
Mike Delfino: Because when I came home, I thought I heard sex noises.
Carlos Solis: Nah, that was just me!

Carlos Solis: Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to be quiet.
Edie Britt: What? I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!
Carlos Solis: I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our... 12?

"Desperate Housewives: Running to Stand Still (#1.6)" (2004)
Gabrielle Solis: Thank you, Yoa Lin
Juanita Solis: I don't see why you have her
Gabrielle Solis: It's a big house. I need help.
Juanita Solis: It's only called help when you do some of the work yourself.
Gabrielle Solis: I supervise.
Juanita Solis: You pay her $300 a week. That's $15,000 a year. Carlos, you always say how you're not putting enough away for retirement!
Carlos Solis: You know, baby, if would be a good idea if we cut back on expenses.
Gabrielle Solis: You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?
Carlos Solis: Other women manage...

Carlos Solis: Mmmmm... that's nice...
Gabrielle Solis: You like that?
Carlos Solis: Oh yeah.
Gabrielle Solis: God, I'm gonna miss this, Carlos.
Carlos Solis: What do you mean?
Gabrielle Solis: Well, since, I'm gonna have to be doing the cooking, and the cleaning, and all the shopping, like the other wives...
Carlos Solis: Mmmm hmmm
Gabrielle Solis: I'm going to be exhausted at night, just like all the other wives, til I build up my stamina, of course, but that might take a couple of years.

"Desperate Housewives: You Could Drive a Person Crazy (#2.2)" (2005)
[Carlos is upset because a fellow inmate is threatening to beat him up if he doesn't give him $7,000, and Gabby doesn't want him to pay]
Gabrielle: You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for God's sake!
Carlos: Yeah, it was for golf!
Gabrielle: Oh...

Gabrielle: Why are all rich men such jerks?
Carlos: The same reason why all beautiful women are bitches.

"Desperate Housewives: One Wonderful Day (#1.23)" (2005)
[as he dresses for court in prison]
Carlos: Beating up a second gay guy looks bad.
Gabrielle: Yes, well, Carlos, in some circles, beating people up at all is frowned upon.

Carlos: Now they think I'm some kind of serial gay basher.
Gabrielle: Well...
[holds up police sketch]
Gabrielle: You kind of are.

"Desperate Housewives: Rose's Turn (#5.20)" (2009)
Tom Scavo: [Tom and Lynette are having dinner with Gabby and Carlos Tom has just found out Carlos saw Lynette naked after she tripped and fell in the shower] What's going on here?
Gabrielle Solis: Lynette was taking a shower and Carlos came by to drive her to work she tripped and fell and he helped her.
Lynette Scavo: You told her? I asked you no to.
Carlos Solis: She's my wife I tell her everything.
Tom Scavo: Well you hear that Lynette? They tell each other everything, that way they know that they're not hiding anything.
Lynette Scavo: I was just afraid you'd overreact! Like you're doing right now.
Tom Scavo: Full disclosure Lynette! That's what a marriage is about!
Gabrielle Solis: So I guess you disclosed your little "friendship" with Patty Rizzo?
Lynette Scavo: What little friendship?
Tom Scavo: You know what I think this is gorgenzola.
Lynette Scavo: Tom?
Tom Scavo: Patty gave me a ride home and for some reason Gabby's making a big deal about it.
Lynette Scavo: Because it's Patty Rizzo, she's a total slut. You should be on antibiotics just for sitting in her car!
Gabrielle Solis: Exactly!
Carlos Solis: Stay out of this Gabby you've done enough damage!
Gabrielle Solis: Hey don't snap at me! Lynette's my friend and I was just watching her back!
Tom Scavo: While your husband was watching her back!
Lynette Scavo: Drop it Tom! We'll continue this at home!
Gabrielle Solis: If you have a shower at the office, how come you come home smelling so bad?
Carlos Solis: I don't know... Why does lamb tat like sawdust?

"Desperate Housewives: The Little Things You Do Together (#3.15)" (2007)
Carlos Solis: [after Gaby told Carlos she assumed she had sex with Zach] I can't believe you bagged another neighbourhood kid!
Gabrielle Solis: [Carlos walks away] Where are you going?
Carlos Solis: To warn the Scavo boys!

"Desperate Housewives: Something's Coming (#4.9)" (2007)
Carlos: Maybe I should go over and say something to Edie...
Gabrielle: What? Rot in hell you maggot-y whore!

"Desperate Housewives: Bargaining (#5.21)" (2009)
Gabrielle Solis: Are you a lunatic? I am not walking into a ballroom of people without my face on.
Carlos Solis: Come on, this is the perfect opportunity to teach her that beauty's only skin deep.
Gabrielle Solis: Yeah well once you see this skin without foundation, you may wanna rethink that.
Carlos Solis: Gabby your daughter is in pain and don't you love her enough to put your vanity aside for one night?
Gabrielle Solis: I was in labor for 20 hours! She still owes me for that!
[Carlos gives her an exasperated look]
Gabrielle Solis: Fine, I will make the ultimate sacrifice and I will be ugly for my daughter. But if she ever needs a kidney.
[points at Carlos]

"Desperate Housewives: Me and My Town (#5.9)" (2008)
Carlos Solis: Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you?
Gabrielle Solis: First time you saw me on the runway.
Carlos Solis: Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you.
Carlos Solis: Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street.
Gabrielle Solis: Mmm. I remember that place.
Carlos Solis: Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and
Carlos Solis: you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now *that* is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks.
Gabrielle Solis: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever?
Carlos Solis: No. When?
Gabrielle Solis: About two seconds ago.
[kisses Carlos]
Gabrielle Solis: Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.

"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Carlos: I sure hope Libby likes this camera.
Gabrielle: Well, why wouldn't she? It's exactly what she asked for, the most expensive one in the store. You know, I'm telling you, Carlos. I'm getting really tired of kissing her ass.
Carlos: The woman is giving us her baby. We'll kiss whatever needs kissing.
Libby: What the hell are you guys doing here?
Carlos: Ah, we brought you this gift and you said that you didn't want us coming by your house...
Libby: Thanks, but I'm working, so you gotta go.
Gabrielle: Look, we spent a lot of money on that. The least you can do is open it so we can bask in your happy expression.

"Desperate Housewives: Ah, But Underneath (#1.2)" (2004)
Carlos Solis: [to Gabrielle] When a man buys a woman expensive jewelry, there are many things he may want in return. For future reference, conversation ain't one of them.

"Desperate Housewives: Opening Doors (#4.14)" (2008)
Carlos Solis: [to Gaby about Ellie] So we have two tramps living in our house.

"Desperate Housewives: Getting Married Today (#3.23)" (2007)
Edie Britt: Carlos! You've got to understand, I do want a baby with you. Just not yet, I... I just wanted to give you a chance to fall in love with me first.
Carlos Solis: I don't believe you and I will never trust you again.
Edie Britt: Well what was I supposed to do? You backed me into a corner! And you were going to bail on us and I was just trying save what we had.
[He starts to walk away]
Edie Britt: Carlos! Don't leave me, please just talk to me.
Carlos Solis: I am done with you.
Edie Britt: Carlos!
Minister: Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, Mr and Mrs Victor Lang.
Edie Britt: I'm sorry!
[she bursts into tears]

"Desperate Housewives: A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. (#5.18)" (2009)
Carlos Solis: [Carlos and Gabby walk down the corridor to hear Lucy yelling. Carlos to Lynette] What's with the yelling?
Lynette Scavo: I don't know I'm just as worried as you are...

"Desperate Housewives: Not While I'm Around (#3.12)" (2007)
Carlos: I was worried until they brought out the crayons and kids' menu.

"Desperate Housewives: Hello, Little Girl (#4.13)" (2008)
Carlos Solis: It's good for a dog to sleep with its master. It helps us bond.
Gabrielle Solis: Well if you ever want to bond with my boobs again, you'll get her off.

"Desperate Housewives: Silly People (#2.14)" (2006)
Carlos: What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?
Gabrielle: Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation, and I have no intention of statisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideas and values of the United States of America.

"Desperate Housewives: Free (#4.17)" (2008)
Carlos: [Carlos has recently become blind] I'm going to read some porn.
[he sighs]
Carlos: In Braille.

"Desperate Housewives: There Is No Other Way (#2.16)" (2006)
Carlos: Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child.
Gabrielle: So?
Carlos: So, you're topless.
Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts.
Carlos: Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?
Gabrielle: Yeah, that was a good trip.

"Desperate Housewives: Thank You So Much (#2.15)" (2006)
Carlos: [about Gabrielle's mother] I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment.
Gabrielle: Maybe, but you don't know her like I do.
Carlos: Okay. You ran away from home fifteen years ago. Did you ever think to talk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your step-dad?
Gabrielle: It wouldn't have done any good.
Carlos: How do you know that?
Gabrielle: Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro and she chose to look the other way.
Carlos: But you never even gave her a chance to step up. You just ran away from home.
Gabrielle: [in tears] Because if I did, then she, we, there was a chance she wouldn't have believed me, and, and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me.

"Desperate Housewives: Liaisons (#3.18)" (2007)
Carlos Solis: I'm sorry, I was on the phone to my cousin in Tucson and we always trade bad date stories.
Edie Britt: And to think I went out of my way to spare your feelings.
Carlos Solis: What's that supposed to mean?
Edie Britt: You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer.

"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
Carlos: You wanna be a better mother? Do what my mama did, make sacrifices. My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me.
Gabrielle: That's what put her in an early grave. Well, that and the hit and run thing.