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Quotes for
Karl Mayer (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

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"Desperate Housewives: Bargaining (#5.21)" (2009)
Mike Delfino: Karl!
Karl Mayer: Hey Mike, heard MJ's having a sleepover! I thought I'd hit ya up for an invitation.
Mike Delfino: Aren't you a little old for sleepovers?

Mike Delfino: MJ finalised his guest list
Karl Mayer: Well I think if you check that guest list again you'll find that Evan's name is on there.
[places money in Mike's hand]
Mike Delfino: I'm MJ's dad. Not his bouncer. But thanks.
[smiles and closes the door]


"Desperate Housewives: A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. (#5.18)" (2009)
Susan Mayer: Karl. What are you doing here?
Karl Mayer: Well I just enrolled Evan.
Susan Mayer: Wow. and I was worried that we'd be out of each others lives forever... lucky lucky.
Karl Mayer: What are you doing here?
Susan Mayer: I am an art teacher.
Karl Mayer: Really? Do they know that?
Susan Mayer: And now I'm ignoring you and moving on to Evan. Hello Evan.
Karl Mayer: Evan, this is Susan. She's your sister Julie's mother, we used to be married. She was a lot younger then.
Susan Mayer: Evan, why don't you head into the classroom? I need to talk to your daddy and I may need to use some grown up words.
Karl Mayer: Ok Susie Q, what's wrong? Get it off that chest you wouldn't let me enhance.
Susan Mayer: Listen it's bad enough that I have one husband running around the halls. I don't need the faculty and the parents knowing that I have two. So not a word about us having been married. No more wise cracks. No Susie Q's. I am Miss Susan. Art teacher.
[starts to walk off into the classroom]
Karl Mayer: Yes Miss Susan. Can I bang your erasers after class?
Susan Mayer: [steps out of the classroom and glares at Karl] Karl I'm serious don't mess with me. I have a yard stick and I'm not afraid to use it.

Karl Mayer: You called me down here for this? It's a kid playing with a soccer ball.
Susan Mayer: It's a head and he's stabbing someone with a sword.
Karl Mayer: Well maybe it was in self defence!
Principal Hobson: Mr Mayer, generally when kids exhibit this type of behaviour, there's a problem
[phone rings]
Principal Hobson: excuse me.
[looks at phone]
Principal Hobson: I have to take this, sorry.
[walks out of the room talking on the phone]
Karl Mayer: Thanks for ratting out my kid on his first day!
Susan Mayer: It's not my fault. I showed this to the school pyschologist, she gave it to the Principal. My hands are tied!
Karl Mayer: So right away it's Evan's fault? Did you ever consider that he didn't understand the assignment?
Susan Mayer: I told the class to draw what made them happy! All the other kids drew kittens and rainbows! Your son drew small intestines on the end of a stick!
Karl Mayer: Let's cut to what this is really about. You hate me! And you don't want my son in your class!
Susan Mayer: That is not true!
Karl Mayer: It is to! You're still punishing me for what happened between us! you're still stuck in the past blaming me for your screwed up life!
Susan Mayer: Ok well someone call Guineus because you just set the world record for the biggest load of crap in one sentence!
Karl Mayer: Oh bite me!
Principal Hobson: [walks back in the room] How long was I gone?
[stares from Karl to Susan]
Susan Mayer: Uh this is nothing Mr Hobson. We're just having a difference of opinion.
Karl Mayer: Yeah. And my opinion is your teacher doesn't understand the difference between emotional problems and creativity!
Susan Mayer: Shut up Karl!
Principal Hobson: [to Susan] Excuse me. Did you just tell him to 'shut up'?
Karl Mayer: You know this is typical
[gestures with hand]
Karl Mayer: "Susan" behaviour and you wonder why no man can stay with you!
Susan Mayer: [throws paint in Karl's face as Principal Hobson looks on shocked]
[to Principal Hobson]
Susan Mayer: Would this seem any less shocking if I told you we were once married for twelve years?


"Desperate Housewives: Pretty Little Picture (#1.3)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: You can afford a cabin, but you can't scrape up child support?
Karl Mayer: The check is in the mail.
Susan Mayer: Uh...
[checks mailbox]
Susan Mayer: No, it's not.

Karl Mayer: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan Mayer: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!
Karl Mayer: I don't want to go back to that ugly place, really, and if you do, I suggest you get some help.
Susan Mayer: You know what? I don't need an apology! I don't need anything from you!
Karl Mayer: You're humiliating yourself!
Susan Mayer: No, you're the one who's been humiliated, Karl. Why don't you see that? You walked out on your family! People think you're scum, not me! So worry about yourself! I'm okay with me!
[barefoot and wearing only a towel and talking to Karl whose in the car]
Susan Mayer: I can walk down the street and hold my head high!
[She accidentally gets her towel caught on the door as she slams it, and he drives off leaving Susan standing naked as she gasps]
Susan Mayer: Oh!
[Susan looks around, whimpers, and runs to her door with embarrassment and it's locked]
Susan Mayer: Oh!
[Susan hides behind the porch's support beam embarrassed]


"Desperate Housewives: Could I Leave You? (#2.17)" (2006)
Susan: I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me.
Karl: Now why would I do that?
Susan: Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life.
Karl: I'll bring the wine.