Andrew Van De Kamp
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Quotes for
Andrew Van De Kamp (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

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"Desperate Housewives: Live Alone and Like It (#1.19)" (2005)
Bree: Andrew, you remember Reverend Sikes, don't you?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, come on.
Bree: Um, Reverend, why don't you, um, have seat, and I will get some refreshments?
[the reverend sits down at the dining room table where Andrew is sitting and Rex is pouring wine]
Reverend Sikes: Ah. So, Andrew, it's been a long time.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Yes. Yes, it has.
Bree: Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly.
Reverend Sikes: Oh, bubbly, please. So, your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys.
[Andrew stares at his mother who smiles back lovingly. Andrew looks at the wine]
Andrew Van De Kamp: I don't suppose I could get some of that.
Rex Van De Kamp: I'm gonna need every drop.

Reverend Sikes: And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquility that is nothing short of miraculous.
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh.
[Bree reaches over and touches Andrew's arm. Andrew smiles back at his mother]
Reverend Sikes: And all it takes is a little faith and a desire to change.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm sorry, but I, I really don't want to talk about my sex life.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, that's just too bad, because this needs to be discussed.
Reverend Sikes: Bree, please, let the boy speak. Go on.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So, I'm good.
Reverend Sikes: Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am.

Bree Van De Kamp: Reverend, I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're giving up.
Reverend Sikes: Well, we can't force him on the path of righteousness. He himself has got to want to make the journey.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, then, what do we do, just stand by while he starts dating boys?
[to Andrew]
Bree Van De Kamp: And by the way, the correct word is not "gay." It's "sodomy."
Rex Van De Kamp: We're in the middle of dinner.
Bree Van De Kamp: So?
Rex Van De Kamp: So, can you at least wait until desert before calling our son a sodomite?
Bree Van De Kamp: How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me.
Rex Van De Kamp: For starters, I knew this dinner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, at least I'm trying to be pro-active!
Reverend Sikes: Please, there's no need to get upset.
Bree Van De Kamp: I am upset because there is a problem here and no-one seems to notice it but me.
Rex Van De Kamp: As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, then it is our job to support him!
[brief silence]
Bree Van De Kamp: [to Andrew] Your father is into S&M.
Rex Van De Kamp: Bree!
Bree Van De Kamp: He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are.
[Bree gets up and leaves]
Rex Van De Kamp: Excuse me.
[Rex leaves too]
Andrew Van De Kamp: [to Reverend Sikes] What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again sometime.


"Desperate Housewives: My Heart Belongs to Daddy (#2.4)" (2005)
[George has dinner with the Van De Kamps]
Andrew Van De Kamp: So, George, can I ask you a question? And it's kind of personal.
George Williams: Sure.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Have you ever actually been with a woman?
George Williams: [chuckling] Excuse me?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player, so I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.
George Williams: My experience with women is none of your business.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.
George Williams: We're not dating exactly.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great. But I wanna make sure my mom's happy, you know, and it would really set my mind at ease to know that she's with a guy that knows how to please a lady.
George Williams: This is inappropriate.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You know, my parents had a great sex life. Man, I heard 'em through the wall of my bedroom once.
George Williams: Please shut up.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You should've heard my mom, too. She had this... this weird moan. It was kind of like, um...
[Andrew makes a moan that's followed by an unh!]
Andrew Van De Kamp: Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.
[a dumbfounded George looks at Andrew while Bree and Danielle enter with cobblers]
Bree Van De Kamp: Okay, time for cobbler. Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn't match. I tried to replace it, but it's Spode Florence. It's a rare pattern. It belonged to my grandmother. But hopefully once you taste the dessert, you'll forget all about it.
George Williams: I'm not hungry.
Bree Van De Kamp: George, you have to have this. It's absolutely scrumptious.
[Bree takes a bite]
Bree Van De Kamp: Mmm. Mmm!
[George looks from Bree to Andrew, who points to Bree and mouths "That's it." George slams his fist and stands up]
George Williams: Go to your room!

Andrew Van De Kamp: Isn't that weird? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes!


"Desperate Housewives: Nice She Ain't (#3.5)" (2006)
Andrew Van De Kamp: She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. Next time she might jump off the porch.

Andrew Van De Kamp: There's no rush, she's not trying that hard.
[Andrew Van De Kamp about Danielle Van De Kamp's suicide]


"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Danielle Van De Kamp: Why can't we ever have normal soup?
Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.
Danielle Van De Kamp: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of. Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
Bree: First of all, your Father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion.
[turns to Andrew]
Bree: So, how's the osso buco?
Andrew Van De Kamp: It's okay.
Bree: It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?
Bree: [shocked] Excuse me?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Tim Harper's Mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.
Bree: You'd rather I serve pork and beans?
Danielle Van De Kamp: [turns to Andrew] Apologize now, I am begging.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?
Bree: Are you doing drugs?
Andrew Van De Kamp: What?
Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.
Danielle Van De Kamp: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Shut up.
[to Bree]
Andrew Van De Kamp: Mom, I'm not the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting like she's running for Mayor of Stepford.
Bree: [at the dinner table] Rex, seeing that you're the head of this household I would really appreciate it if you said something.
Rex: Pass the salt?


"Desperate Housewives: Impossible (#1.15)" (2005)
[Susan finds Andrew and Justin naked in a pool]
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm not... I'm not gay.


"Desperate Housewives: Anything You Can Do (#1.7)" (2004)
Andrew Van De Kamp: What's this about?
Rex Van De Kamp: You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced.
Bree Van De Kamp: But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I've got a question.
Bree Van De Kamp: Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy.


"Desperate Housewives: Welcome to Kanagawa (#4.10)" (2008)
Andrew Van De Kamp: Mom, I'm gonna take these bowls to the kitchen...
Bree: Oh! thanks, dear.
Andrew Van De Kamp: With you... What are you doing?
Bree: Oh, I'm trying to stay out of the way of all the sparks that are flying...
Andrew Van De Kamp: Sparks? The man is twice my age.
Bree: Yes, but he's also... he's got a great sense of... OK, do you know how hard it is to get a good contractor?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh my God.
Bree: And poor Walter just had his heart broken, so if it takes you being nice to hime to have our house fixed...
Andrew Van De Kamp: You're pimping me out for a new roof?
Bree: And windows... and I'm not pimping you out, I'm simply asking you to show some kindness to a lonely man who happens to be an excellent roofer.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, if by kindness you mean sex...
Bree: Watch your mouth, I would never suggest that. You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them, I've done it all my life. Andrew, I have got to get back into my house, and you're my only hope.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Fine, for you I'll flirt, I'll flatter and I'll charm.
Bree: Bless you...
Andrew Van De Kamp: And in exchange... I expect a 60-inch flat-screen TV.
Bree: Fine. And if you can get him to come on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound.


"Desperate Housewives: Could I Leave You? (#2.17)" (2006)
Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.
Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.


"Desperate Housewives: You Must Meet My Wife (#7.2)" (2010)
Bree: I feel awful. I should never have been fiddling with that radio.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Radio? Mom, I saw you from across the street. You were checking out Keith's ass.
Bree: That's preposterous.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You were looking at that contractor's butt like you were waiting for a side of steak sauce.
Bree: Watch your mouth! This isn't one of your homosexual dance clubs. I'm telling you... it was the radio.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Ok... But while we're talking about the radio... you do know that particular model is like 15 years too young for you, right?


"Desperate Housewives: Next (#2.1)" (2005)
Andrew Van De Kamp: Mom, Grandma's leaving. All right, you have to talk to her.
Bree Van De Kamp: No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me...
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, OK, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad.
Bree Van De Kamp: She went out of her way to be cruel to me. I don't want her at the funeral.
Danielle Van De Kamp: [crying] Mom, if you don't let Grandma come, I will never forgive you!
Andrew Van De Kamp: [to Danielle] Did I ask for your help?
[to Bree]
Andrew Van De Kamp: You know Dad would want her there.


"Desperate Housewives: There Is No Other Way (#2.16)" (2006)
Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.
Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?
Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.
Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.


"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?
Eleanor Mason: Bree!
Bree: Oh, I slapped him once and he deserved it!
Andrew Van De Kamp: I just asked her to stop drinking.
Henry Mason: You were drinking?
Eleanor Mason: She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair.
Bree: Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!
Eleanor Mason: Is she okay?
Bree: She's dead!
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!
Bree: Andrew falsely accused me of molestation... in a mall!


"Desperate Housewives: Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else (#5.3)" (2008)
Gabrielle Solis: [to Andrew] I took the car to the mechanic's who told me the radiator's shot.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, that, yeah. It's been giving me trouble for years. Just use the jar.
Gabrielle Solis: What jar?
Andrew Van De Kamp: It's in the truck. You just keep it full of water and when the radiator reheats, you fill it up. Oh, and try not going uphills and stay in the shade as much as possible.
Gabrielle Solis: I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun!