Tom Scavo
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Quotes for
Tom Scavo (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Desperate Housewives: We're So Happy You're So Happy (#5.2)" (2008)
Tom Scavo: [Lynette is sitting at her computer] What're you doing?
Lynette Scavo: I'm just talking to Porter on Silverfizz.
Tom Scavo: Who is Sarah J from MacArthur High School?
Lynette Scavo: Me! I'm sixteen, cute, I like graphic novels and Tokyo Police Club.
Tom Scavo: Oh my God! You're pretending to be somebody else!
Lynette Scavo: Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs, I really think the ends justify the means.
Tom Scavo: We'll address you major ethical breach in a moment. What did you find out?
Lynette Scavo: The good news is he really doesn't hang out with that guy, but I am a little worried about 'Anita47' who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphordesiac.
Tom Scavo: OK, you got what you came for, you know who he hangs around with, now time to stop.
Lynette Scavo: You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poetry?
Tom Scavo: Seriously?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah, our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this beautiful, heartwrenching poetry.

Tom Scavo: You told a teenage boy you liked his poetry? Geez Lynette why not just flash him a boob?
Lynette Scavo: shh he'll here you...

Tom Scavo: So what are you gonna do? are you gonna tell him the truth now or are you gonna wait until after he kills me and blinds himself?

Tom Scavo: Dear Porter really like you but I wanna see other offspring...
Lynette Scavo: Go away...

Lynette Scavo: Tom don't you dare!
Tom Scavo: Hey one of us needs to live to take care of the other ones!

"Desperate Housewives: Rose's Turn (#5.20)" (2009)
Tom Scavo: [Tom and Lynette are having dinner with Gabby and Carlos Tom has just found out Carlos saw Lynette naked after she tripped and fell in the shower] What's going on here?
Gabrielle Solis: Lynette was taking a shower and Carlos came by to drive her to work she tripped and fell and he helped her.
Lynette Scavo: You told her? I asked you no to.
Carlos Solis: She's my wife I tell her everything.
Tom Scavo: Well you hear that Lynette? They tell each other everything, that way they know that they're not hiding anything.
Lynette Scavo: I was just afraid you'd overreact! Like you're doing right now.
Tom Scavo: Full disclosure Lynette! That's what a marriage is about!
Gabrielle Solis: So I guess you disclosed your little "friendship" with Patty Rizzo?
Lynette Scavo: What little friendship?
Tom Scavo: You know what I think this is gorgenzola.
Lynette Scavo: Tom?
Tom Scavo: Patty gave me a ride home and for some reason Gabby's making a big deal about it.
Lynette Scavo: Because it's Patty Rizzo, she's a total slut. You should be on antibiotics just for sitting in her car!
Gabrielle Solis: Exactly!
Carlos Solis: Stay out of this Gabby you've done enough damage!
Gabrielle Solis: Hey don't snap at me! Lynette's my friend and I was just watching her back!
Tom Scavo: While your husband was watching her back!
Lynette Scavo: Drop it Tom! We'll continue this at home!
Gabrielle Solis: If you have a shower at the office, how come you come home smelling so bad?
Carlos Solis: I don't know... Why does lamb tat like sawdust?

Lynette Scavo: What's that look on your face? You didn't eat dairy again did you?
Tom Scavo: No I've been working out!
Lynette Scavo: Oh.
Tom Scavo: If you're good I'll let you cut the feel
Lynette Scavo: That's ok I can see it from here. It's "thrilling"

Tom Scavo: Wait you just took a shower, where?
Lynette Scavo: At work.
Tom Scavo: Didn't know you had a shower there.
Lynette Scavo: I don't, Carlos does.
Tom Scavo: So you went into Carlos' office stripped naked and took a shower?
Lynette Scavo: No I went into Carlos' "bathroom" closed the door then stripped naked and took a shower.
Tom Scavo: I'm not comfortable with this. What if he walked in?
Lynette Scavo: Then maybe I'd get that raise I've been asking for.
Tom Scavo: This isn't funny. You already spend 16 hours a day with the guy and now I find out that some of those hours you are naked and wet!
Lynette Scavo: Hours? It was two minutes. It's not like I'm lighting candles and playing Berry White.
Tom Scavo: I don't care I want it to stop.
Lynette Scavo: Fine... I should've just had sex I'd be asleep by now.

Lynette Scavo: So I wanna hear more about the garden club. Tom says he's meeting all kinds of nice people
Gabrielle Solis: Really? Any favourites Tom?
Tom Scavo: They're all great gals. One's sorta a pain in the ass. Other than her, having a great time!
Gabrielle Solis: All though I keep telling Tom how dangerous gardens can be everywhere you step there are shovels and rakes and "hoes".

"Desperate Housewives: In a World Where the Kings Are Employers (#5.15)" (2009)
Porter Scavo: Ooh, Dad called a family meeting.
Parker Scavo: Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant.
Lynette Scavo: Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it.
Parker Scavo: Wow!
Preston Scavo: Is he gonna be okay?
Lynette Scavo: I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive, and you with me?
[all nod]
Tom Scavo: Hey guys, good, you're all here.
Penny Scavo: I love you daddy!
Lynette Scavo: Not yet.
Tom Scavo: I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria.
Lynette Scavo: Just know that we're 100% behind you.
Tom Scavo: That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette Scavo: Tom, what the hell are you talking about?
Tom Scavo: You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker Scavo: At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo.
Tom Scavo: Come on, we'll love working together,
Porter Scavo: Why? We don't even like living together.
Preston Scavo: You're not even going to pay us?
Penny Scavo: I'm nine, is that even legal?
Tom Scavo: I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday!
Parker Scavo: Mom, please do something.

[the twins decide to take a break as soon as a group of teenagers come in]
Lynette Scavo: What's going on here?
Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school.
Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom Scavo: Fine, don't wear the apron.
Porter Scavo: No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here.
[Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up]
Parker Scavo: [looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve-top, who's taking it?
Tom Scavo: I will.
[they all look shocked]

Tom Scavo: I had to let all of our employees go. So starting tomorrow you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette Scavo: Tom what the hell are you talking about?
Tom Scavo: I got it all worked out. You and I will handle the days and the kids will join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker Scavo: Um. At the risk of sounding spoiled. No.
Tom Scavo: come on it'll be fantastic! We'll love working together!
Porter Scavo: Why? we don't even like living together.
Tom Scavo: look labor is our number one cost if we can eliminate it we'll start making a profit again.
Preston Scavo: what you're not even gonna pay us?
Penny Scavo: I'm nine is that even legal?
Tom Scavo: I think so... but just to be safe you're now 15. Happy Birthday!

Lynette Scavo: [Preston sees a group of kids from his and Porters school and Porter and Preston decide to take a break] Wow, wow, wow, what's going on here?
Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school.
Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDermitt. The guy called me Jesus for a year cause i wore sandals one day if he sees me wearing this I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom Scavo: Fine don't wear the apron that's...
Porter Scavo: No. I'm not waiting on a kid who's going to make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here!
Tom Scavo: Humiliating?
Lynette Scavo: Guy's easy
Tom Scavo: No you're not humiliated when you use the money we make here to buy your clothes!
Lynette Scavo: Tom it's fine, I'll take the table
Tom Scavo: No no no no no no no your mother can't wait on this whole restaurant herself!
Porter Scavo: Well then you do it!
Tom Scavo: Porter I'm your father and your boss and I'm telling you right now to go take that table.
Porter Scavo: Or what your gonna fire me? go for it.
Tom Scavo: [grabs Porter by his collar and shoves him against the wall as Lynette gasps] Do you think this is a joke? This is my life!
Lynette Scavo: Tom!...
Tom Scavo: No!
[shakes Porter repeatedly]
Tom Scavo: you're worried about being embarrassed?
[shakes Porter while saying]
Tom Scavo: I've put everything I have into this restaurant!
Lynette Scavo: Alright that's enough! Let got of him! Let go of him! Let go of him!
Parker Scavo: Guys... I just set a twelve top. Who's taking it?
Tom Scavo: [sighs] ... I will...
[he walks off as everyone stares at him looking scared]

"Desperate Housewives: If It's Only in Your Head (#5.24)" (2009)
[Tom gets into college]
Parker Scavo: I can help you study if you want.
Tom Scavo: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese.
Preston Scavo: I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin.
Lynette Scavo: I'm so proud. Porter aren't you gonna congratulate your father.
Porter Scavo: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.

Lynette: I went to the doctor today.
Tom: What's wrong?
Lynette: I'm pregnant.
Tom: Pregnant?... With a baby?
Lynette: How long have you been sniffing those markers? Of course with a baby.

Lynette Scavo: [Preston, Porter and Lynette help a drunk Tom inside] Ok, easy easy, you're a little drunk there.
Tom Scavo: [kiss Lynette] That's cause I love you Lynette
Lynette Scavo: I love you to baby, there you go.
Tom Scavo: [turns to Porter still helping him] And I love you Preston.
Porter Scavo: I'm Porter
Tom Scavo: I never could tell you two apart, but you're my favourite
[Porter raises his eyebrows and helps Tom to sit down, takes of Tom's shows for him]
Tom Scavo: Lynette how come you let me drink so many margaritas?
Preston Scavo: Yeah and why did we have to stay to closing? It's almost 2.00
Lynette Scavo: Who cares what time it is? We were celebrating a big change in your dad's life.
Tom Scavo: WOOHOO!
Lynette Scavo: Woo! Hey someone called.
[plays the message about the mix up with the time for Tom's test, for the next day at 8.00am]
Tom Scavo: Oh cram! I gotta crap for that test1
Lynette Scavo: Oh geez...

"Desperate Housewives: Bargaining (#5.21)" (2009)
Tom Scavo: Last night we were having sex, you fell asleep.
Lynette Scavo: After?
Tom Scavo: During.
Lynette Scavo: Oh... was it good?

Lynette Scavo: [walks in as Tom is cleaning the house] See this? My third espresso, I'm wired no way I'm falling asleep tonight.
Tom Scavo: [glares at Lynette and continues cleaning without saying a word]
Lynette Scavo: Hey. How about we throw a pizza on the front lawn and when the kids run out to get it, we lock the door and "do it" in every room in the house?

"Desperate Housewives: Anything You Can Do (#1.7)" (2004)
Tom Scavo: Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!
Lynette Scavo: Thanks.
Tom Scavo: Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign.
Lynette Scavo: Great! You wanna run it by me?
Tom Scavo: No. I'm good. But, thanks.
Lynette Scavo: Okay.
Tom Scavo: Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah?
Tom Scavo: I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could...
Lynette Scavo: And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?
Tom Scavo: Uh... day after tomorrow!
Lynette Scavo: Tom!
Tom Scavo: Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice.
Lynette Scavo: You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?
Tom Scavo: I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time...

Lynette Scavo: What did you say?
Tom Scavo: Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it.
Lynette Scavo: No, no. Let's, let's do it.
Tom Scavo: Really?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah, it's good for your career. I'll pull it off.

"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Lynette: Oh, wait, I got to tell you. I was having trouble with swelling so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom.
Tom Scavo: A condom?
Lynette: Yeah.
Tom Scavo: What's the big deal? Let's risk it.
Lynette: Let's risk it?
Tom Scavo: Yeah.
[Lynette punches him in the face]

"Desperate Housewives: My Heart Belongs to Daddy (#2.4)" (2005)
Tom: The kids would benefit from having two stay-at-home parents. Although buying food might become an issue.

"Desperate Housewives: What Would We Do Without You? (#3.22)" (2007)
[Lynette and Tom aren't talking at all at breakfast]
Parker Scavo: Are you mad at daddy?
Lynette Scavo: No. Why would you think that?
Parker Scavo: Cause you're not talking to him.
Lynette Scavo: Well you know two people who have known each other as long as mommy and daddy ahve, they don't have to always talk, in fact a sign of a good relationship is being comfortable in silence.
Tom Scavo: That's true, although mommy ignoring me last night at work wasn't exactly what I call comfortable.
Lynette Scavo: Well daddy probably didn't notice that I was unloading twenty-pound bags of flour cause he still can't lift them, so mommy didn't exactly have time to sit around and chew the fat.
Tom Scavo: Well you haven't wanted to chew that fat for five days now. Come on Lynette something is obviously bugging you.
Lynette Scavo: You wanna know what's bugging me? I'm trying to have a lovely breakfast with my family and you're picking a fight.
Tom Scavo: Who's fighting, I just wanna talk!
Lynette Scavo: There's nothing to talk about, OK, just leave me alone.
Parker Scavo: Sorry I asked!

"Desperate Housewives: Getting Married Today (#3.23)" (2007)
Stella Wingfield: [Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.
Stella Wingfield: [they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?
Lynette Scavo: It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.
Stella Wingfield: Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.
[hands Parker a book]
Stella Wingfield: And for you and you.
[hands the twins books]
Parker Scavo: These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.
Stella Wingfield: Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.
Porter Scavo: We're eight.
Stella Wingfield: What do I care?
Lynette Scavo: Just say thank you.
[kids say 'thank you']
Stella Wingfield: [pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?
Parker Scavo: [looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!
Stella Wingfield: [to Lynette] Oh, is that Toms little B-a-s-t-a...
Tom Scavo: Ok kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

"Desperate Housewives: A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. (#5.18)" (2009)
Tom Scavo: So what do you gals do when you get together?
Gabrielle Solis: Mostly gossip. You got any good gossip?
Tom Scavo: ...Oh I heard Ed Simmons got a new Harley!
Gabrielle Solis: ...You know I should get back...
Tom Scavo: Come on give me a break. I'm still new at this.
Gabrielle Solis: Ok. We'll start with something a little easier. Bitching.
Tom Scavo: I can handle that! Bitch away!
Gabrielle Solis: Well, I am so pissed at Carlos, he is never home. And when he is, he's to tired to do anything. And by anything I mean sex.
[Tom stares at her]
Gabrielle Solis: Are you uncomfortable?
Tom Scavo: A little... go on.
Gabrielle Solis: Well we've never had a drought like this it's been almost two weeks.
Tom Scavo: Two weeks? That's a drought for you?
Gabrielle Solis: Yeah. Lately Carlos just doesn't want to do it
Tom Scavo: Err! Wrong! Guys always wanna do it.
Gabrielle Solis: Really?
Tom Scavo: Yeah!
Gabrielle Solis: Even if you're tired and get home late?
Tom Scavo: Even if we're exhausted and late and been shot in the leg... twice! We still want to. So you've just gotta get past the tired adult to find the horny teenage boy inside.
Gabrielle Solis: Huh. It's good to know... You're good at this girl talk thing!
Tom Scavo: Well thanks! So um, does Lynette ever talk about me and sex?
Gabrielle Solis: ...Yeah, I should get back...

"Desperate Housewives: Silly People (#2.14)" (2006)
Ed Ferrara: So, the pig actually eats the bacon?
Tom Scavo: Uh, huh, yeah.
Ed Ferrara: I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.
Lynette Scavo: Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.
Ed Ferrara: What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?
Tom Scavo: More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.
Ed Ferrara: You were Greek?
Tom Scavo: Alpha Tau Omega.
Ed Ferrara: I was Phi Kap.
Tom Scavo: You?
Ed Ferrara: And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.
Tom Scavo: Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.
Ed Ferrara: Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

"Desperate Housewives: Your Fault (#1.13)" (2005)
[Lynette's father-in-law, Rodney, climbs up the ladder to the roof, from where grandson Parker is not budging. He is afraid to climb down despite Lynette's prior attempts to coax him down]
Rodney Scavo: Parker, I got a question for you. It's only one, but it's kind of an important question - a character-defining question, actually. Wanna hear it?
Parker Scavo: Hm-hmm.
Rodney Scavo: Only a little girl would be afraid to come down the ladder. Now, you're not a little girl, are you?
[Lynette looks askance at Rodney]
Rodney Scavo: I'm not looking at a girly girl, am I?
Rodney Scavo: [Tom comes back outside]
Tom Scavo: [to his father, who's climbing down the ladder with Parker piggy-backing] Wow, you got him down.
[to wife Lynette]
Tom Scavo: How'd he do that?
Lynette Scavo: Sexism.

"Desperate Housewives: Now I Know, Don't Be Scared (#4.6)" (2007)
Tom Scavo: Ok, now you're scaring me.
Lynette Scavo: Why?
Tom Scavo: Look at yourself. You've declared jihad on a possum.
Lynette Scavo: This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!
Tom Scavo: OK. You do what you need to do.
Lynette Scavo: Thank you.

"Desperate Housewives: Bang (#3.7)" (2006)
[at Bree's house, people are watching the news about the hostage situation]
Tom Scavo: [Knocks on the door, comes in, unaware that Lynette is a hostage] Bree would you mind watching the kids, I got a doctor's appointment and Lynette is taking her sweet time at the market.
[People looking at him in shock]
Tom Scavo: I'm sorry, are you guys having a party?

"Desperate Housewives: Gossip (#3.20)" (2007)
[Parker is sitting outside watching Mrs. McClusky wash her door]
Tom Scavo: Here you are. What are you doing outside?
Parker Scavo: Some big kids threw eggs at Mrs. McClusky's house.
Tom Scavo: Oh, jeez, they shouldn't have done that.
Parker Scavo: We should go talk to her.
Tom Scavo: Naw, it's late, she probably doesn't want us to bother her.

"Desperate Housewives: Pretty Little Picture (#1.3)" (2004)
Tom Scavo: [to Lynette] Listen, the kids are watching a video, which means we've got only about forty five minutes until they actually find Nemo...