Mike Delfino
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Quotes for
Mike Delfino (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

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"Desperate Housewives: Anything You Can Do (#1.7)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice.
Mike Delfino: Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an -unexpected house guest.

Mike Delfino: I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend.
Susan Mayer: Old friend?
Mike Delfino: Yeah, you know...
Susan Mayer: Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?
Mike Delfino: It's hard to explain.
Susan Mayer: Could you give it a shot?

Mike Delfino: I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look... amazing.
Kendra Taylor: Mike, where are the towels?
Susan Mayer: Thanks.

Kendra Taylor: Six weeks in the suburban jungle, and this is all you got?
Mike Delfino: There are over three hundred families in this subdivision. It will take time to check 'em all out.
Kendra Taylor: Dad said the last time he saw you, you were ready to quit.
Mike Delfino: Well, I changed my mind.
Kendra Taylor: This is a gigantic waste of your time and my father's money.
Mike Delfino: You afraid of the old man burning through your inheritance?
Kendra Taylor: That's not funny. Mike, here's the thing.
Mike Delfino: What?
Kendra Taylor: Dad can't chase ghosts alone. If you stop, he'll have to accept it's over. Let me have my father back.
Mike Delfino: If I quit he'll just hire somebody else.
Kendra Taylor: Not if you tell him there's nothing here to find.
Mike Delfino: Oh, I can't do that.
Kendra Taylor: What happens when your girlfriend finds out you're not just this sweet, neighborly plumber? You're lying to her, Mike.


"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
Mike Delfino: Why?
Susan Mayer: I made it, trust me.
[Mike prepares to take a bite]
Susan Mayer: Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
Mike Delfino: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.
[Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as Susan gestures apologetically, smiling]
Mike Delfino: Oh my God.
[makes a face]
Mike Delfino: How did you... it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.
Susan Mayer: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.
[Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue]

Susan Mayer: I have a clog.
Mike Delfino: Excuse me?
Susan Mayer: And you're a plumber, right?
Mike Delfino: Yeah.
Susan Mayer: The clog's in the pipe.
Mike Delfino: Yeah, that's usually where they are.

Mike Delfino: I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims' house next door.
Susan Mayer: Susan Mayer. I live across the street.


"Desperate Housewives: Pretty Little Picture (#1.3)" (2004)
Mary Alice Young: [narrating voice over] As the sun slowly settled on Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house.
[Susan holds the plant in front of her naked body and sidesteps her way down the steps and toward the garden shed on the left side of the house which is also locked. She tiptoes to the window and tries to open it, but it's stuck. She puts the plant down and uses two hands to open it, but slips and falls on her back into her shrubs]
Mary Alice Young: [narrating voice over] Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan that this could be the most humiliating moment of her life.
[Mike walks by and notices her naked in the shrubs]
Mike Delfino: Susan?
Mary Alice Young: [narrating voice over] She was wrong.
Mike Delfino: [averting his eyes and grinning] Uh...whatcha' doing?
Susan Mayer: Locked myself out...naked.
Mike Delfino: Oh.
Susan Mayer: And then I fell.
[crosses her legs]
Susan Mayer: So how are you?
Mike Delfino: Good, good. I just got back. I've been gone all day, and I got your message about dinner, and, um, I would love to come if the invite still stands.
Susan Mayer: It's a date.
Mike Delfino: Alright, I um, assume the dress is, uh, casual.
Susan Mayer: Yeah, it's...it's casual.
[Mike nods, grinning as he walks off. Susan squeals and covers herself with the plants]

Susan Mayer: Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it's gonna be hard to replace that screen?
Mike Delfino: Well that depends. If you nail it in yourself, you might wanna wear gloves. Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt.
Susan Mayer: Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory, but I am nowhere near ready to laugh about it. So, please, no jokes.
Bree: [opens the front door] Hey, where have you two been?
Mike Delfino: Um, Susan had a problem finding something to wear
[stifles his laughter]
Mike Delfino: . Oh, was that the kinda thing you meant?
Susan Mayer: Pretty much.

Susan Mayer: Listen, Mike, about the whole 'seeing me naked' thing. I, I just want to thank you for being such a perfect gentleman.
Mike Delfino: Oh, I wasn't a perfect gentleman, I might have snuck a peek.
Susan Mayer: Oh, goodnight!
Mike Delfino: And for what it's worth, wow.


"Desperate Housewives: Rose's Turn (#5.20)" (2009)
Mike Delfino: Why are you mopping the roof?
Susan Mayer: I was cooking, alright?
Mike Delfino: Lids Susan. You really gotta start using lids.
Susan Mayer: Sometimes it's the stoves fault.

M.J. Delfino: Daddy!
Mike Delfino: Hey buddy, hey are you hungry?
M.J. Delfino: No mummy made spaghetti!
[points at the ceiling]


"Desperate Housewives: Bargaining (#5.21)" (2009)
Mike Delfino: Karl!
Karl Mayer: Hey Mike, heard MJ's having a sleepover! I thought I'd hit ya up for an invitation.
Mike Delfino: Aren't you a little old for sleepovers?

Mike Delfino: MJ finalised his guest list
Karl Mayer: Well I think if you check that guest list again you'll find that Evan's name is on there.
[places money in Mike's hand]
Mike Delfino: I'm MJ's dad. Not his bouncer. But thanks.
[smiles and closes the door]


"Desperate Housewives: God, That's Good (#3.19)" (2007)
Mike Delfino: [Mike walks into Carlos' room, Edie is hiding next to the door]
[whispering]
Mike Delfino: So uh... you got a girl in here?
Carlos Solis: No, why?
Mike Delfino: Because when I came home, I thought I heard sex noises.
Carlos Solis: Nah, that was just me!

Susan Mayer: Did I mention that Maggie is an amazing chef? We're embarrassed to be cooking for her.
Maggie Gilroy: Stop. So, um, Mike, do you have a favorite type of cuisine?
Mike Delfino: Nah. After three months of prison food, everything tastes good to me.
Maggie Gilroy: So you were in prison?
Susan Mayer: He was totally innocent.
Mike Delfino: Yeah, a woman was bludgeoned to death, and her blood wound up on my wrench.
Maggie Gilroy: Oh, my god.
Susan Mayer: But he was cleared. All charges dropped. Here. Eat this.
[She shoves an hors d'oeuvre into his mouth]
Maggie Gilroy: It's just so awful. I mean, to go to jail for a crime you didn't commit.
Mike Delfino: Oh, it was just a few months. Now my first stretch for manslaughter... that was brutal.


"Desperate Housewives: Mother Said (#4.15)" (2008)
Mike Delfino: You're doing great honey, just keep breathing. How close are the contractions?
Susan: A few weeks apart... wanna go to the movies?
Mike Delfino: What?
Susan: I'm not in labour, ok?
Mike Delfino: But y-your water broke. I saw it!
Susan: It was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon wedge.


"Desperate Housewives: Ah, But Underneath (#1.2)" (2004)
Mike Delfino: Should I have told her we were having steak? She's not like, a vegetarian or something, is she?
Susan: Oh, no, no. No, Edie's definitely a carnivore.


"Desperate Housewives: Hello, Little Girl (#4.13)" (2008)
Mike Delfino: [to Orson] Are you the guy that ran me over?


"Desperate Housewives: The Coffee Cup (#6.8)" (2009)
Mike Delfino: [to Susan when he comes home to discover that she wants to have sex with him for the 4th time that day] Oh, God... Susan, I can't. I got nothin' left! I hit my hand with a wrench today, and when I cried, only dust came out!


"Desperate Housewives: Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else (#5.3)" (2008)
Jackson Braddock: [hits Mike over the head playfully] Oops! Didn't see that coming.
Mike Delfino: Just for that, I'm breaking my rule about not hitting girls.


"Desperate Housewives: Sweetheart, I Have to Confess (#3.6)" (2006)
Mike Delfino: Where we close?
Edie Britt: Honestly, we lived about fifteen feet from each other and you barely knew that I existed.
Mike Delfino: Seriously?
Edie Britt: It's true, I mean you weren't rude or anything. We'd wave or exchange hello's as we went to get our mail but you never really looked at me. Well, not really... I was just another neighbour to you.
Mike Delfino: Well if we weren't friends then why are you here everyday helping me?
Edie Britt: Because from the first moment I laid eyes on you, I sorta fell in love with you.
Mike Delfino: Oh.
Edie Britt: Yeah and I'm not telling you this because I expect anything so you can just relax, okay?
Mike Delfino: Okay.
Edie Britt: But when you do come back home and we do run into each other when we're getting our mail. I'd really appreciate it if you'd just look at me, that's all.