Edie Britt
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Quotes for
Edie Britt (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

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"Desperate Housewives: Anything You Can Do (#1.7)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: Hey, Edie!
Edie Britt: Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.
Susan Mayer: Oh this? Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI.

Edie Britt: Hey, how was your big date?
Susan Mayer: Mike had to reschedule.
Edie Britt: Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI.

Paul Young: Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do.
Edie Britt: Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house.
Paul Young: I am?
Edie Britt: Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame 'em. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
Paul Young: Is there any way to get around it?
Edie Britt: Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die. Well, I'm just saying! Oh, I've gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow.

"Desperate Housewives: Liaisons (#3.18)" (2007)
Edie Britt: No man respects an easy conquest. I make all my men wait.
Susan Mayer: It's true, she has a little room with magazines and an aquarium.
Edie Britt: I have so missed our friendship.

Travers McLain: What does 'Bad in Bed' mean?
Edie Britt: Well it means that you're not good at making... your bed. Mommy doesn't like people saying she can't make a bed because, trust me, nobody makes a bed as good as your mommy.
Travers McLain: If you want, I can tell people you're good in bed.

Carlos Solis: I'm sorry, I was on the phone to my cousin in Tucson and we always trade bad date stories.
Edie Britt: And to think I went out of my way to spare your feelings.
Carlos Solis: What's that supposed to mean?
Edie Britt: You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer.

"Desperate Housewives: You're Gonna Love Tomorrow (#5.1)" (2008)
Edie Britt: Mrs. McCluskey, you're still alive!
Karen McCluskey: It's nice to see you too, Edie. How long has it been? Five years?
Edie Britt: This is my husband, Dave Williams.
Karen McCluskey: [to Dave] So, how did you two meet? You run a free clinic or something?
Dave: I'm sorry, who are you?
Karen McCluskey: Karen McCluskey, Edie's best friend on the street.

Edie Britt: What the hell happened to you? Look at you. Your clothes, your hair... Carlos might be blind, but the rest of us aren't.
Gabrielle Solis: I had two children.
Edie Britt: For what... breakfast?

Edie Britt: I have a husband now.
Susan: Really? Whose?

"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Susan: I was married to Karl, and I used to try to surprise him, and he would always, always, always say 'No, Susan. Don't surprise me. I don't like it.
Edie: Whatever. I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and buy a wedding dress. Oh, and by the way, I'll be wearing white, so that'll be a surprise for everybody.

Lynette: What is it? Teeth?
Felicia Tilman: Dentures. They were my dear sister, Martha's. I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child.
Edie: Oh. Thank you.
Felicia Tilman: I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you and Martha were such close friends, Edie. I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by since she left us so abruptly. You know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail.
Edie: Felicia, uh, I think you've had enough.
Felicia Tilman: I do apologize if I've offended anyone, but while you all are chit-chatting and eating these yummy hors d'oeuvres, just remember you're in the company of a murderer.

"Desperate Housewives: Nice She Ain't (#3.5)" (2006)
Edie Britt: Wow, how self absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here and I even backed off when he fell for your little miss adorable act. But he's over that, it's my turn now and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt well that's just gravy.

Susan: How do you sleep at night?
Edie: Soon... with Mike on top of me.

"Desperate Housewives: Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know (#5.19)" (2009)
Edie Britt: [Last Lines] As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things that seemed so ordinary, but when you put them together they make up a life, a life that really was one-of-a-kind. I'll tell you something, it's not hard to die when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived!

Gabrielle Solis: We're an unstoppable team!
Edie Britt: The hottest chicks on Wisteria Lane!
Gabrielle Solis: Oh be nice. There are lots of attractive women on the street!
Edie Britt: Like who?
Gabrielle Solis: How about Bree?
Edie Britt: Uh with that hair colour you could stick a red nose on her and she could join the circus
Gabrielle Solis: Lynette's beautiful.
Edie Britt: Mmm for a baby factory...
Gabrielle Solis: And Susan?
Edie Britt: We're the hottest. Ok?

"Desperate Housewives: Ah, But Underneath (#1.2)" (2004)
Edie Britt: [to Mrs. Huber] It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband worked for all those years, gone.

"Desperate Housewives: Opening Doors (#4.14)" (2008)
Edie Britt: Tell me anyway. Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut.
Bree Hodge: Oh, come on, Edie. Carlos, Mike, Karl. You do have a way at picking at other women's leftovers.

"Desperate Housewives: Getting Married Today (#3.23)" (2007)
Edie Britt: Carlos! You've got to understand, I do want a baby with you. Just not yet, I... I just wanted to give you a chance to fall in love with me first.
Carlos Solis: I don't believe you and I will never trust you again.
Edie Britt: Well what was I supposed to do? You backed me into a corner! And you were going to bail on us and I was just trying save what we had.
[He starts to walk away]
Edie Britt: Carlos! Don't leave me, please just talk to me.
Carlos Solis: I am done with you.
Edie Britt: Carlos!
Minister: Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, Mr and Mrs Victor Lang.
Edie Britt: I'm sorry!
[she bursts into tears]

"Desperate Housewives: Dress Big (#3.17)" (2007)
Edie Britt: [to Carlos, undressing] Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance.

"Desperate Housewives: A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. (#5.18)" (2009)
Edie Britt: [to Dave] I always wondered why you were so determined to live on Wisteria Lane.

"Desperate Housewives: The Ladies Who Lunch (#1.16)" (2005)
Edie Britt: What the hell kind of street do we live on?

"Desperate Housewives: Now You Know (#4.1)" (2007)
Lynette Scavo: And, Edie, you look great, especially, you know, given the circumstances.
Edie Britt: You mean that I tried to hang myself? Well, it's okay. The doctor encouraged me to talk about it.
Bree: Surely not over food.

"Desperate Housewives: God, That's Good (#3.19)" (2007)
Carlos Solis: Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to be quiet.
Edie Britt: What? I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!
Carlos Solis: I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our... 12?

"Desperate Housewives: Bang (#3.7)" (2006)
Edie Britt: Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month.
Austin Britt: Wait - a month? It was a $10 whiskey!
Edie Britt: I know. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff.

"Desperate Housewives: Listen to the Rain on the Roof (#3.1)" (2006)
Edie: And now, the media room.

"Desperate Housewives: It Wasn't Meant to Happen (#2.20)" (2006)
Lynette: Karl broke up with Edie.
Susan: Oh my God!
Bree: Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone.
Susan: Really? Did he say who it is?
Edie: I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!
Bree: [Pause] No, he did not say.

"Desperate Housewives: Move On (#1.11)" (2005)
Felicia Tilman: I'm not worried, Edie. Martha and I have a very intense bond. We were connected at the most primal level and, a few days ago, I felt this sensation in my soul. That's when it first dawned on me that something had happened to my sister, and when she didn't arrive at my home as scheduled, well... that's when I knew she was dead.
Edie Britt: Oh, honey, no. You musn't think like that. Martha's only missing.
Felicia Tilman: [in a patronizing tone] No. Edie. She's dead. But she's my sister and I'm going to find out *exactly* what happened to her.
Edie Britt: Look, Felicia, it's... natural to freak out when a loved one's missing.
Felicia Tilman: Loved one? Oh. Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman, and the day she died, this world became a better place.

"Desperate Housewives: Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else (#5.3)" (2008)
Edie Britt: [seeing Susan and Gabrielle fighting] And they call me white trash.

"Desperate Housewives: Sweetheart, I Have to Confess (#3.6)" (2006)
Mike Delfino: Where we close?
Edie Britt: Honestly, we lived about fifteen feet from each other and you barely knew that I existed.
Mike Delfino: Seriously?
Edie Britt: It's true, I mean you weren't rude or anything. We'd wave or exchange hello's as we went to get our mail but you never really looked at me. Well, not really... I was just another neighbour to you.
Mike Delfino: Well if we weren't friends then why are you here everyday helping me?
Edie Britt: Because from the first moment I laid eyes on you, I sorta fell in love with you.
Mike Delfino: Oh.
Edie Britt: Yeah and I'm not telling you this because I expect anything so you can just relax, okay?
Mike Delfino: Okay.
Edie Britt: But when you do come back home and we do run into each other when we're getting our mail. I'd really appreciate it if you'd just look at me, that's all.