Bree Van De Kamp
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Quotes for
Bree Van De Kamp (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Desperate Housewives: Pretty Little Picture (#1.3)" (2004)
[at dinner party with all the wives and their partners]
Bree: Rex cries after he ejaculates.

Rex: [having an allergic reaction] You put onions in my salad?
Bree: No, I didn't!
[looks back at table]
Bree: Oh, wait.

[Bree is compulsively fixing a button on Dr. Goldfine's jacket during their session]
Dr. Goldfine: I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.
Bree: Oh, who cares what he thinks. I took psychology in college. We learned all about Freud. A miserable human being.
Dr. Goldfine: What makes you say that?
Bree: Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800s. There were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown, not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done. She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked. He saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say thank you? I doubt it.

[first lines]
Mary Alice Young: [voice over narration] After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts. Every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered, when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held onto only one thing. My memory. It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all. Every single detail. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp. I remember the easy confidence of her smile, the gentle elegance of her hands, the refined warmth of her voice...
Bree: Bye.
Mary Alice Young: [voice over narration] ...But what I remember most about Bree...,
Bree: Rex, wasn't that a lovely...?
Mary Alice Young: [voice over narration] ...was the look of fear in her eyes. Bree had started to realize her world was unraveling. And for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable...

Bree: Oh, Rex, you look so tired.
Rex: I didn't sleep. This damn thing is so uncomfortable.
Bree: Well, why don't you move back upstairs, and sleep in my bed.
Rex: We're in marriage counseling, Bree. I think that would confuse things.
Bree: It's just... I miss you.
Rex: I know you do. Of course, if I don't start getting some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion.
Mary Alice Young: [narrating voice over] Yes, Bree was afraid of many things. But if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of..., it was a challenge.

Susan Mayer: How could we have all forgotten about this?
Lynette Scavo: We didn't exactly forget. It's just that usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.
Bree: Lynette!
Lynette Scavo: I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

Susan Mayer: Lynette?
Lynette Scavo: I'm in.
Bree: I'll make braised lamb shanks.
Lynette Scavo: I'm still in.

Rex: So these "tennis lessons" we're taking. How are we doing?
Bree: My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.
Rex: Of course.

Susan Mayer: Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it's gonna be hard to replace that screen?
Mike Delfino: Well that depends. If you nail it in yourself, you might wanna wear gloves. Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt.
Susan Mayer: Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory, but I am nowhere near ready to laugh about it. So, please, no jokes.
Bree: [opens the front door] Hey, where have you two been?
Mike Delfino: Um, Susan had a problem finding something to wear
[stifles his laughter]
Mike Delfino: . Oh, was that the kinda thing you meant?
Susan Mayer: Pretty much.

Bree: Why is this happening?
Rex: Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase.

Bree: Rex cries when he ejaculates.


"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me.
Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

Rex: Since when do you make mistakes?
Bree: What's that supposed to mean?
Rex: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this, this plastic suburban housewife, with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like, "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

Danielle Van De Kamp: Why can't we ever have normal soup?
Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.
Danielle Van De Kamp: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of. Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
Bree: First of all, your Father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion.
[turns to Andrew]
Bree: So, how's the osso buco?
Andrew Van De Kamp: It's okay.
Bree: It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?
Bree: [shocked] Excuse me?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Tim Harper's Mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.
Bree: You'd rather I serve pork and beans?
Danielle Van De Kamp: [turns to Andrew] Apologize now, I am begging.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?
Bree: Are you doing drugs?
Andrew Van De Kamp: What?
Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.
Danielle Van De Kamp: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Shut up.
[to Bree]
Andrew Van De Kamp: Mom, I'm not the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting like she's running for Mayor of Stepford.
Bree: [at the dinner table] Rex, seeing that you're the head of this household I would really appreciate it if you said something.
Rex: Pass the salt?

Rex: [after Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant] Are we gonna talk about what I said?
Bree: [to Rex] If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind.

Gabrielle Solis: What's that?
Bree: It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice.


"Desperate Housewives: Anything You Can Do (#1.7)" (2004)
Bree Van De Kamp: God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack.
Susan Mayer: He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him.
Lynette Scavo: Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?
Susan Mayer: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it.
Gabrielle Solis: Who the hell's Dana?
Lynette Scavo: That's the mystery part.
Susan Mayer: I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide.
Lynette Scavo: So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret...
Bree Van De Kamp: ...and sent the note.
Gabrielle Solis: So who the hell is that?

Rex Van De Kamp: You're going to ruin his whole future over a little rough housing?
Bree Van De Kamp: Rex, this was practically assault.
Rex Van De Kamp: Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong, but in his defense, his mother and I are going through severe marital problems.
Bree Van De Kamp: Is that relevant?
Rex Van De Kamp: Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry.
Bree Van De Kamp: If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!
Rex Van De Kamp: All I'm saying, is that we need to take some of the responsibility here.
Bree Van De Kamp: And so does Andrew! Blaming his actions on our problems... which are not so serious... does not help him.
Rex Van De Kamp: Our problems are serious!
Bree Van De Kamp: Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit.
Rex Van De Kamp: Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today.
Bree Van De Kamp: You went to an attorney?
Rex Van De Kamp: Yeah! And a good one too!
Bree Van De Kamp: Well he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!
Rex Van De Kamp: Bring it on!

Andrew Van De Kamp: What's this about?
Rex Van De Kamp: You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced.
Bree Van De Kamp: But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I've got a question.
Bree Van De Kamp: Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy.

Bree Van De Kamp: Is, is that what you would prefer, Danielle? To live with your father.
Danielle Van De Kamp: I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom.
Bree Van De Kamp: Um, all this, um, wine is, uh, giving me a headache.


"Desperate Housewives: Love Is in the Air (#1.14)" (2005)
[watching an S&M video demonstration with Rex]
Rex: Well?
Bree Van De Kamp: What the hell did your mother do to you?

[Bree has agreed to try "dominating" Rex]
Rex: If things do get too rough, we'll have a control word. If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately.
Bree: Okay. So what's our control word?
Rex: Well, lately I've been using "Philadelphia". What's wrong?
Bree: Well, it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia, and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap.
Rex: Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.
Bree: Um, how about "Boise"?
Rex: "Boise"?
Bree: What's the matter with "Boise"?
Rex: We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like "Boise" would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious.
Bree: Hmm.
[sombre tone]
Bree: How about "Palestine"?
Rex: "Boise" will be just fine.

Rex: I want you to say you'll try it, just once.
Bree Van De Kamp: Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you?
Rex: So I can feel pleasure, yes!
Bree Van De Kamp: Fine.
[slaps Rex across the face]
Bree Van De Kamp: So, was it good for you too?

Bree Van De Kamp: Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for 10 next week. We're using our best china and serving duck.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: So, you and Rex are a couple again?
Bree Van De Kamp: Yes. You know, that's one of the things I hated most about our separation, not being able to throw dinner parties. There is just something so civilized and elegant about them, don't you think?
Dr. Albert Goldfine: I take it you've resolved your feelings about his infidelity?
Bree Van De Kamp: Let's just say I've put them in an imaginary box and don't plan on looking at them for a while.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Do you think that's the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation?
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, it won't be easy at first. There will be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory lovemaking, but after a few decades whiz by, I'm sure I'll find a way to forgive him.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Well, as long as you have a plan.
[smirks]
Bree Van De Kamp: [Looking pensive] I do want to forgive him Dr. Goldfine but,
[pauses]
Bree Van De Kamp: there is still something he's not telling me.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Really?
Bree Van De Kamp: I think it has something to do with why he had the affair.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Have you confronted him?
Bree Van De Kamp: Once... and you should have seen the look in his eyes. He was terrified that I'd figure it out.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: [looks away]
Bree Van De Kamp: You know what it is, don't you?
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Bree, I can't discuss other patients.
Bree Van De Kamp: I realize that. This thing that he is hiding, is it bad?
Dr. Albert Goldfine: [Looks away]
Bree Van De Kamp: OH! OK, um,
[nervous laugh]
Bree Van De Kamp: maybe it's better that I don't know.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Bree, how does the reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?
Bree Van De Kamp: We're, um, WASPs Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: You'd settle for that? A life filled with repression and denial?
Bree Van De Kamp: And the dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties.


"Desperate Housewives: Ah, But Underneath (#1.2)" (2004)
Susan: I think we should give it to Paul.
Gabrielle Solis: He's still mourning Susan. He'll probably freak out.
Susan: It doesn't matter. She was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.
Lynette Scavo: That'll be fun. "Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep dark secret. Another bear claw".

Bree Van De Kamp: [to Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette] It's the age old question, isn't it? How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

Bree Van De Kamp: Do you remember when you proposed?
Rex Van De Kamp: For God's sake.
Bree Van De Kamp: We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine and when we finished it, you turned to me and you said, "If you marry me, Bree Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life". And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant, and even though my Father didn't like you, I said yes.
Rex Van De Kamp: That was a long time ago.
Bree Van De Kamp: You're gonna cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer and we're gonna find ourselves a marriage counselor.


"Desperate Housewives: Welcome to Kanagawa (#4.10)" (2008)
Bree: [Bree is trying to set Andrew up with their contractor, hinting at him] Oh yes, he just broke up with his life partner, TODD... who he was GAY WITH.

Bree: We need to find someone who's bad at gay math!

Andrew Van De Kamp: Mom, I'm gonna take these bowls to the kitchen...
Bree: Oh! thanks, dear.
Andrew Van De Kamp: With you... What are you doing?
Bree: Oh, I'm trying to stay out of the way of all the sparks that are flying...
Andrew Van De Kamp: Sparks? The man is twice my age.
Bree: Yes, but he's also... he's got a great sense of... OK, do you know how hard it is to get a good contractor?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh my God.
Bree: And poor Walter just had his heart broken, so if it takes you being nice to hime to have our house fixed...
Andrew Van De Kamp: You're pimping me out for a new roof?
Bree: And windows... and I'm not pimping you out, I'm simply asking you to show some kindness to a lonely man who happens to be an excellent roofer.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, if by kindness you mean sex...
Bree: Watch your mouth, I would never suggest that. You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them, I've done it all my life. Andrew, I have got to get back into my house, and you're my only hope.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Fine, for you I'll flirt, I'll flatter and I'll charm.
Bree: Bless you...
Andrew Van De Kamp: And in exchange... I expect a 60-inch flat-screen TV.
Bree: Fine. And if you can get him to come on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound.


"Desperate Housewives: Could I Leave You? (#2.17)" (2006)
Peter McMillian: I'll tell you what. Here's my card and if you ever do have a problem or you just feel like talking, give me a call, okay?
Bree: I know you think I'm kidding myself, but I'm not. I'm nothing like you people. I just don't have a compulsive personality.

Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.
Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

Bree: Tonight was a very unusual situation. I wish you could've known me when Rex was alive and my kids were young and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think you really would've liked me so much.
Peter McMillian: I like you just fine.
Bree: Really? Because I don't.


"Desperate Housewives: Live Alone and Like It (#1.19)" (2005)
Bree: Andrew, you remember Reverend Sikes, don't you?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, come on.
Bree: Um, Reverend, why don't you, um, have seat, and I will get some refreshments?
[the reverend sits down at the dining room table where Andrew is sitting and Rex is pouring wine]
Reverend Sikes: Ah. So, Andrew, it's been a long time.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Yes. Yes, it has.
Bree: Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly.
Reverend Sikes: Oh, bubbly, please. So, your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys.
[Andrew stares at his mother who smiles back lovingly. Andrew looks at the wine]
Andrew Van De Kamp: I don't suppose I could get some of that.
Rex Van De Kamp: I'm gonna need every drop.

Reverend Sikes: And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquility that is nothing short of miraculous.
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh.
[Bree reaches over and touches Andrew's arm. Andrew smiles back at his mother]
Reverend Sikes: And all it takes is a little faith and a desire to change.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm sorry, but I, I really don't want to talk about my sex life.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, that's just too bad, because this needs to be discussed.
Reverend Sikes: Bree, please, let the boy speak. Go on.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So, I'm good.
Reverend Sikes: Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time.
Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am.

Bree Van De Kamp: Reverend, I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're giving up.
Reverend Sikes: Well, we can't force him on the path of righteousness. He himself has got to want to make the journey.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, then, what do we do, just stand by while he starts dating boys?
[to Andrew]
Bree Van De Kamp: And by the way, the correct word is not "gay." It's "sodomy."
Rex Van De Kamp: We're in the middle of dinner.
Bree Van De Kamp: So?
Rex Van De Kamp: So, can you at least wait until desert before calling our son a sodomite?
Bree Van De Kamp: How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me.
Rex Van De Kamp: For starters, I knew this dinner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, at least I'm trying to be pro-active!
Reverend Sikes: Please, there's no need to get upset.
Bree Van De Kamp: I am upset because there is a problem here and no-one seems to notice it but me.
Rex Van De Kamp: As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, then it is our job to support him!
[brief silence]
Bree Van De Kamp: [to Andrew] Your father is into S&M.
Rex Van De Kamp: Bree!
Bree Van De Kamp: He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are.
[Bree gets up and leaves]
Rex Van De Kamp: Excuse me.
[Rex leaves too]
Andrew Van De Kamp: [to Reverend Sikes] What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again sometime.


"Desperate Housewives: Come Play Wiz Me (#3.13)" (2007)
[Bree has found Alma and a passed out Orson in bed together, along with sleeping pills and Viagra]
Bree Van De Kamp: You raped my husband!
Alma Hodge: We made love. And when our baby is born, he's going to come back to me.
Bree Van De Kamp: Baby?
Alma Hodge: It's true. I could be expecting right now.
Bree Van De Kamp: Were you expecting this?
[Bree decks Alma before she calls her house]
Bree Van De Kamp: Andrew, I need you to come over right away. And, um...
[pause]
Bree Van De Kamp: ...bring the wheelbarrow.

Bree: [to Alma] You... RAPED my husband!

Bree: [Bree finds Orson and Alma in bed together] Orson, I have caught you cheating, at least have the courtesy to WAKE UP!


"Desperate Housewives: Next (#2.1)" (2005)
Bree: I cannot afford to break down right now.
Susan: Why not?
Bree: [Rex's mother pulls up] You'll see why in a moment.

Bree Van De Kamp: You are no longer invited to the funeral.
Phyllis Van De Kamp: What?
Reverend Sikes: You're not serious.
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security. And those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks.
Reverend Sikes: Bree, this is your grief talking.
Bree Van De Kamp: Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church!
Reverend Sikes: Bree!
Bree Van De Kamp: I am not kidding. I will go non-denominational so fast, it will make your head spin.

Andrew Van De Kamp: Mom, Grandma's leaving. All right, you have to talk to her.
Bree Van De Kamp: No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me...
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, OK, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad.
Bree Van De Kamp: She went out of her way to be cruel to me. I don't want her at the funeral.
Danielle Van De Kamp: [crying] Mom, if you don't let Grandma come, I will never forgive you!
Andrew Van De Kamp: [to Danielle] Did I ask for your help?
[to Bree]
Andrew Van De Kamp: You know Dad would want her there.


"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Peter McMillian: Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze. That's why when you turn me on like that it's a bit of a problem.
Bree: It was just a peck on the cheek.
Peter McMillian: It doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing.
Bree: So how long has it been since you-
Peter McMillian: A year. They have this rule: plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, you know, then I can move on to a pet. And if I can make that work, then I can start dating again.
Bree: So, how are you doing?
Peter McMillian: I'm on my fourth ficus.
Bree: Oh.

Donna: You should also know, I'm not a lesbian.
Bree: Oh, well, that's nice for you.


"Desperate Housewives: Art Isn't Easy (#4.5)" (2007)
Danielle Van De Kamp: You're always mean to me, just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you're not gonna emasculate me.
Bree Hodge: You don't even know what that means, you petulant sock puppet.
Danielle Van De Kamp: Who cares? I'm going to the store.
Bree Hodge: Buy a dictionary.

Susan Delfino: Okay, before we become an ugly mob, why doesn't one of us go talk to the guys? But not me, they hate me.
Karen McCluskey: Bree, you talk to them, you can relate to them.
Bree Hodge: Why would you say that?
Karen McCluskey: You've got a kid that came flying out of the closet and a husband that had been looking for the door knob.


"Desperate Housewives: Now You Know (#4.1)" (2007)
Bree: Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!

Lynette Scavo: And, Edie, you look great, especially, you know, given the circumstances.
Edie Britt: You mean that I tried to hang myself? Well, it's okay. The doctor encouraged me to talk about it.
Bree: Surely not over food.


"Desperate Housewives: It Wasn't Meant to Happen (#2.20)" (2006)
Bree: I think you'd love the opera. The music and the voices, it's just all so passionate.
Peter McMillian: Yeah, three hundred-pound soprano seducing balding tenors. That'd be hot!

Lynette: Karl broke up with Edie.
Susan: Oh my God!
Bree: Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone.
Susan: Really? Did he say who it is?
Edie: I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!
Bree: [Pause] No, he did not say.


"Desperate Housewives: There Is No Other Way (#2.16)" (2006)
Bree: [after Andrew tells her he hates her] The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected... and I still have a chance to set you right.

Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.
Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?
Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.
Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.


"Desperate Housewives: There's Always a Woman (#5.6)" (2008)
Orson Hodge: They got him for organ trafficking.
Bree Hodge: What?

Katherine Mayfair: I tell you if I'm not careful this guy could steal my heart.
Bree Hodge: Well if he tries you let me know.


"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
[Bree has brought down a box of Andrew's porn]
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, dad, I-I forgot to warn you. These are some of Andrew's adult videos. I don't approve, but boys will be boys.
[Henry files through the box of porn]
Eleanor Mason: Oh, Henry, stop looking at that filth.
Henry Mason: I don't get it. Where are the women?
Eleanor Mason: What are you talking about?
Henry Mason: This is all just a bunch of... naked men.
[Eleanor takes the magazine from Henry]
Eleanor Mason: Sweet mother of God. What the hell are they doing?
Henry Mason: I don't know, and I don't know what I'm even looking at.
Eleanor Mason: Henry, this is pornography for ho-homosexuals.
[Bree enters]
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, shoot! I wish you hadn't gone through that. Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation, and we were having such a nice time.
Henry Mason: Bree, is... is Andrew... gay?
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, dad, Andrew hates labels. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Eleanor Mason: Excuse me, but he has a magazine titled "Leather Daddies in Love." That does not sound like a phase to me.

Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?
Eleanor Mason: Bree!
Bree: Oh, I slapped him once and he deserved it!
Andrew Van De Kamp: I just asked her to stop drinking.
Henry Mason: You were drinking?
Eleanor Mason: She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair.
Bree: Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!
Eleanor Mason: Is she okay?
Bree: She's dead!
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!
Bree: Andrew falsely accused me of molestation... in a mall!


"Desperate Housewives: One Wonderful Day (#1.23)" (2005)
Bree: [the doctor has just called to tell Bree that Rex is dead] No, no - of course. You did everything you could.
[Bree hangs up the phone, gracefully finishes cleaning her silverware... and then begins to cry uncontrollably]

Rex: Bree... I think I'm having a heart attack!
Bree: No, you're not!


"Desperate Housewives: My Heart Belongs to Daddy (#2.4)" (2005)
[George has dinner with the Van De Kamps]
Andrew Van De Kamp: So, George, can I ask you a question? And it's kind of personal.
George Williams: Sure.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Have you ever actually been with a woman?
George Williams: [chuckling] Excuse me?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player, so I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.
George Williams: My experience with women is none of your business.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.
George Williams: We're not dating exactly.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great. But I wanna make sure my mom's happy, you know, and it would really set my mind at ease to know that she's with a guy that knows how to please a lady.
George Williams: This is inappropriate.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You know, my parents had a great sex life. Man, I heard 'em through the wall of my bedroom once.
George Williams: Please shut up.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You should've heard my mom, too. She had this... this weird moan. It was kind of like, um...
[Andrew makes a moan that's followed by an unh!]
Andrew Van De Kamp: Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.
[a dumbfounded George looks at Andrew while Bree and Danielle enter with cobblers]
Bree Van De Kamp: Okay, time for cobbler. Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn't match. I tried to replace it, but it's Spode Florence. It's a rare pattern. It belonged to my grandmother. But hopefully once you taste the dessert, you'll forget all about it.
George Williams: I'm not hungry.
Bree Van De Kamp: George, you have to have this. It's absolutely scrumptious.
[Bree takes a bite]
Bree Van De Kamp: Mmm. Mmm!
[George looks from Bree to Andrew, who points to Bree and mouths "That's it." George slams his fist and stands up]
George Williams: Go to your room!


"Desperate Housewives: Remember Paul? (#7.1)" (2010)
Lynette Scavo: Susan, Bree, Gaby, this is my old college roomate Renee.
Bree Van De Kamp: Hi! It's so nice to finally meet you. Lynette has talked so much about her friend in college.
Renee Perry: Oh yes. You know how in school the pretty girls always hang out together? Well I refused to go along with that.


"Desperate Housewives: Sunday (#4.11)" (2008)
Bree: Don't you dare try to turn our son into an intellectual!


"Desperate Housewives: Bargaining (#5.21)" (2009)
Bree Van De Kamp: MJ there's someone in my life who hits me with a dead squirrel every single day, and you are the only one who can help me. Please, please invite Evan to your party
M.J. Delfino: ...ok.
Bree Van De Kamp: Thankyou, oh thankyou sweetheart
[kissed MJ on the head and walks off]
M.J. Delfino: Boy the stuff I do for macaroons.


"Desperate Housewives: School of Hard Knocks (#8.4)" (2011)
Bree: Go pack up your sex factory, and I'll make you cookies!


"Desperate Housewives: Suspicious Minds (#1.9)" (2004)
Bree: Danielle! How was school.
Danielle: It was okay.
Bree: Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?


"Desperate Housewives: Opening Doors (#4.14)" (2008)
Edie Britt: Tell me anyway. Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut.
Bree Hodge: Oh, come on, Edie. Carlos, Mike, Karl. You do have a way at picking at other women's leftovers.


"Desperate Housewives: In Buddy's Eyes (#4.12)" (2008)
Bree Hodge: Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart. Edie's... Edie, and I'm the domestic one. The one who knows that there are three tines in a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who I am. That's also who you are


"Desperate Housewives: Color and Light (#2.7)" (2005)
Bree Van De Kamp: [after agreeing to marry George just to be polite] Obviously there is a downside to good manners.


"Desperate Housewives: The Ladies Who Lunch (#1.16)" (2005)
Maisy Gibbons: [jailed for prostitution, she declines Bree's offer of a deal] I'm not interested... But you do get credit for one thing: you came to visit me, even it was for an ulterior motive. None of the other girls from the Club even bothered. I've been abandoned. Guess that's what happens when you become the town whore.
Bree: Oh, sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore, they abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.


"Desperate Housewives: Marry Me a Little (#5.22)" (2009)
Bree: Orson, we've been robbed!
Orson Hodge: It wasn't me, I swear.


"Desperate Housewives: Come Back to Me (#1.10)" (2004)
Bree: [to Rex, in the hospital, after a heart attack] I know you still love me. Maisy told me. As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to find the most vindictive lawyer I can find. And together, we will eviscerate you. I will take away your money, your family, and your dignity. And I am thrilled you still love me. Because I want what's going to happen to you to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm just so glad you didn't die before I told you that.


"Desperate Housewives: You Must Meet My Wife (#7.2)" (2010)
Bree: I feel awful. I should never have been fiddling with that radio.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Radio? Mom, I saw you from across the street. You were checking out Keith's ass.
Bree: That's preposterous.
Andrew Van De Kamp: You were looking at that contractor's butt like you were waiting for a side of steak sauce.
Bree: Watch your mouth! This isn't one of your homosexual dance clubs. I'm telling you... it was the radio.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Ok... But while we're talking about the radio... you do know that particular model is like 15 years too young for you, right?


"Desperate Housewives: Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know (#5.19)" (2009)
Gabrielle Solis: Ok my hour's up someone else hold Edie now.
Lynette Scavo: I'll take her!
[Gabby hands Lynette the urn and after a few second of holding it Lynette opens the it]
Lynette Scavo: kinda looks like cat litter.
Susan Mayer: Lynette! Don't look at Edie...
Lynette Scavo: Or what I'll turn to stone? She's all rough and gritty...
Bree Van De Kamp: Uh Gabby... before we learn what Edie tastes like.
Gabrielle Solis: I got it...
Bree Van De Kamp: I think a little more reverence for the dead is in order.
Lynette Scavo: Oh please we're talking about Edie. A little more irreverence is what we need.


"Desperate Housewives: Your Fault (#1.13)" (2005)
Bree Van De Kamp: It was my first week in college, and I went to a meeting of the Young Republicans, where Rex gave a speech and I went up to him afterward and introduced myself and told him that I agreed with his stance on the death penalty, and... he took me out to a diner and, uh, we stayed up until 2 in the morning talking about big government, gun control and illegal immigration.
[sighs]
Bree Van De Kamp: It was just... it was just such a magical night.


"Desperate Housewives: Bang (#3.7)" (2006)
[Bree hears, on the TV, that someone, female has been shot, and thinks it could be Lynette]
Porter Scavo: Mrs. Hodge, when's mommy gonna be back from the store?
Bree Hodge: I'm sure she'll be back soon, why don't we have some... cookies?
Parker Scavo: Mommy said we can't have cookies before dinner.
Bree Hodge: Well, um, I'm sure she won't mind, come on.


"Desperate Housewives: Running to Stand Still (#1.6)" (2004)
Lynette Scavo: I'm not surprised that he's playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we're on to him.
Bree Van De Kamp: Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?
Susan Mayer: No. That's why we have to find him. It's the only way we'll know the truth.
Bree Van De Kamp: It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible.
Gabrielle Solis: Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way.


"Desperate Housewives: Come in, Stranger (#1.5)" (2004)
Bree Van De Kamp: I love to try out new recipes before the holidays. That way if the cookbook has it wrong, I can fix it.


"Desperate Housewives: Guilty (#1.8)" (2004)
Lynette Scavo: I love my kids so much. I'm so sorry they have me as a mother.
Bree Van De Kamp: Lynette, you are a great mother.
Lynette Scavo: No, I'm not. I can't do it. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. It's so humiliating.
Susan: No, it's not. So you got addicted to your kids' ADD medication. It happens.
Bree Van De Kamp: You've got four kids. That's a lot of stress. Honey, you just need some help.
Lynette Scavo: That's what makes it so humiliating. Other moms don't need help. Other moms make it look so easy. All I do is complain.
Susan: That's not true. When - when Julie was a baby, I - I was out of my mind almost every day.
Bree Van De Kamp: I used to get so upset when Andrew and Danielle were little, I used their nap times to cry.
Lynette Scavo: [sniffs] Why didn't you ever tell me this?
[sobs]
Bree Van De Kamp: [whispers] Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit that they can't handle the pressure.
Susan: I think it's just like we think, you know, it's easier to keep it all in.
Lynette Scavo: Oh, we shouldn't. We should tell each other this stuff.
Susan: It helps, huh?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah. It really
[sniffs]
Lynette Scavo: does.
[continues sobbing]


"Desperate Housewives: Who's That Woman? (#1.4)" (2004)
Bree: [speaking to her son after she catches him in a strip club] Andrew, I'm curious. When you fantasize about this woman, do you ever stop to think how she came to be on this runway? That's someone's little girl. And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her. Dreams that did not include a thong... and a pole...


"Desperate Housewives: Lovely (#6.15)" (2010)
Bree Hodge: What you doing?
Robin Gallagher: Making you my screensaver.
Bree Hodge: Oh that's sweet.
Robin Gallagher: You're replacing my cat, he's eating noodles.


"Desperate Housewives: Thank You So Much (#2.15)" (2006)
Bree: Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist.
Frank: Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists.
Bree: I didn't have to. He committed suicide.


"Desperate Housewives: The Gun Song (#4.16)" (2008)
Bree: Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face when you know I'm at a low point!


"Desperate Housewives: You Could Drive a Person Crazy (#2.2)" (2005)
[Phyllis has been crying all time since Rex's death and stealing all the attention from Bree]
Bree: For God's sake, Phyllis, don't you ever worry about dehydration?
Phyllis Van De Kamp: Are you saying that I am too emotional?
Bree: I'm saying that even Italians take a break now and again.


"Desperate Housewives: Where Do I Belong? (#7.12)" (2011)
Beth Young: Where would I get a gun?
Susan Delfino: Oh... I don't know. How about the one you pointed at me on Halloween night?
Gabrielle Solis: [to Susan] You never told us that.
Beth Young: You mean the night you broke into my house and tried to kill my husband with a club... being the natural-born lunatic that you are?
Bree Van De Kamp: [to Susan] You never told us that either.
Susan Delfino: [sheepish] Am I not allowed to have a private life?


"Desperate Housewives: Every Day a Little Death (#1.12)" (2005)
George Williams: [while Bree stands behind him helping him aim a gun] What is that perfume you're wearing?
Bree Van De Kamp: Uh, I'm not wearing perfume.
George Williams: Are you sure? Because you smell amazing.
Bree Van De Kamp: Oh! I was making macaroons before I left the house.
[without skipping a beat]
Bree Van De Kamp: Okay, now, I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't fly away, but not so firmly that you can kill it. Got it?


"Desperate Housewives: There Won't Be Trumpets (#1.17)" (2005)
Soprano Singer: [sings "Ave Maria" a cappella during the funeral procession of Juanita Solis]
Lynette: What a voice.
Bree Van De Kamp: You have to hand it to the Catholics. They do grief better than anyone.


"Desperate Housewives: The Game (#4.3)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: When our babies go to college, we'll be like...
Bree Van De Kamp: Dead?