Lynette Scavo
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Quotes for
Lynette Scavo (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

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"Desperate Housewives: Remember Paul? (#7.1)" (2010)
Lynette Scavo: Susan, Bree, Gaby, this is my old college roomate Renee.
Bree Van De Kamp: Hi! It's so nice to finally meet you. Lynette has talked so much about her friend in college.
Renee Perry: Oh yes. You know how in school the pretty girls always hang out together? Well I refused to go along with that.

Lynette Scavo: Renee comes off a little stuck-up when you first meet her. Which is a real time-saver.

Renee Perry: Lynette, why so mean? I worked on these compliments all the way from the airport.
Lynette Scavo: Drive slower next time.

Susan Delfino: So Renee, you have to tell us, what was Lynette like in college?
Renee Perry: Absolutely fearless. She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumours be damned.
Lynette Scavo: Yes, Renee was always the one with the fashion sense. Before I met her, I'd never even heard of Gucci or Prada or Chlamydia.

Lynette Scavo: Well, of course you can stay here as long as you want.
Renee Perry: Thanks. And to show you my appreciation, I would like to pay for your first face-lift.
Lynette Scavo: That is so generous. Although, now that you've had nine, you probably get the next one free.

Gabrielle Solis: Wow, you guys play rough.
Lynette Scavo: No, it's just what we do. It's fun. I tease her about being all botulism from the nose up...
Renee Perry: ...and I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down.

Renee Perry: I gotta say Lynette, this place is adorable. It's so cosy and intimate and...
Lynette Scavo: Pay attention kids. You're learning a lot of new words for "small".

Lynette Scavo: Hi...
Renee Perry: I'm back Rodolfo. Please tell Signor Cipriani I always stay at that suite when I visit Venice and if it's not available, I will be very unhappy. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone more important I need to speak with.
Lynette Scavo: Hi...
Renee Perry: Hey Jose. Thanks for holding. Look, I can't do Thursday, so...
Lynette Scavo: Jose, she'll call you back.
Renee Perry: Lynette, you haven't changed.
Lynette Scavo: Neither have you.

"Desperate Housewives: We're So Happy You're So Happy (#5.2)" (2008)
[Porter finds out he's been flirting with his mother online, when she signs a 'Dear John' letter to him 'Love Mom']
[He comes down to where she is at her computer, he has a very sad and betrayed look on his face, and he places a book of poetry in front of her and walks away, leaving her looking ashamed]
Lynette Scavo: [Porter is sitting at the table eating a sandwich] Hi, mind if I join you?
[he ignores her]
Lynette Scavo: OK, I know what I did was unforgivable and I am not trying to make excuses, but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you and then I was Sarah J and I had you back and we where talking again and you where telling me things.
Porter Scavo: [Mad at her] I wasn't telling you anything, I was telling her.
Lynette Scavo: [Porter looks sad] Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations and I'm going to miss them.
[She walks off]
Porter Scavo: [Whispers] Me too.

Tom Scavo: [Lynette is sitting at her computer] What're you doing?
Lynette Scavo: I'm just talking to Porter on Silverfizz.
Tom Scavo: Who is Sarah J from MacArthur High School?
Lynette Scavo: Me! I'm sixteen, cute, I like graphic novels and Tokyo Police Club.
Tom Scavo: Oh my God! You're pretending to be somebody else!
Lynette Scavo: Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs, I really think the ends justify the means.
Tom Scavo: We'll address you major ethical breach in a moment. What did you find out?
Lynette Scavo: The good news is he really doesn't hang out with that guy, but I am a little worried about 'Anita47' who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphordesiac.
Tom Scavo: OK, you got what you came for, you know who he hangs around with, now time to stop.
Lynette Scavo: You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poetry?
Tom Scavo: Seriously?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah, our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this beautiful, heartwrenching poetry.

[Lynette, not satisfied with Porter's unwillingness to discuss a possible frienship with a drug dealer at school,enters Parker's room]
Lynette Scavo: Hey Parker, can I ask you something? Just between us, does Porter hang out with Jimmy Kimrado?
Parker Scavo: I don't know, I could check his friends list on Silverfizz.
Lynette Scavo: His what on what?
Parker Scavo: [logs on to Porter's page] It's like MySpace, you have a webpage. It shows your hobbies, your favorite music, and you can talk to people.
Lynette Scavo: Really? Can anyone talk to him?
Parker Scavo: Yeah, he just has to invite you.
Lynette Scavo: And, uh, how would somebody make that happen?
[Parker looks at her curiously]

[Porter is listening to music on his headphones, when Lynette walks into his room, he removes them]
Lynette Scavo: Hey, got a sec?
Porter Scavo: Not really.
Lynette Scavo: So, I assume you know what happened to Jimmy Kimrado?
Porter Scavo: I guess.
Lynette Scavo: Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is 'I guess'?
Porter Scavo: He's not my friend.
[implying that he doesn't associate with people who sell drugs]
Lynette Scavo: What are you talking about, you where on the same little league team?
Porter Scavo: Yeah, a million years ago, anything else?
Lynette Scavo: No, not really.

Tom Scavo: You told a teenage boy you liked his poetry? Geez Lynette why not just flash him a boob?
Lynette Scavo: shh he'll here you...

Tom Scavo: Dear Porter really like you but I wanna see other offspring...
Lynette Scavo: Go away...

Lynette Scavo: Tom don't you dare!
Tom Scavo: Hey one of us needs to live to take care of the other ones!

"Desperate Housewives: In a World Where the Kings Are Employers (#5.15)" (2009)
Porter Scavo: Ooh, Dad called a family meeting.
Parker Scavo: Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant.
Lynette Scavo: Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it.
Parker Scavo: Wow!
Preston Scavo: Is he gonna be okay?
Lynette Scavo: I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive, and you with me?
[all nod]
Tom Scavo: Hey guys, good, you're all here.
Penny Scavo: I love you daddy!
Lynette Scavo: Not yet.
Tom Scavo: I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria.
Lynette Scavo: Just know that we're 100% behind you.
Tom Scavo: That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette Scavo: Tom, what the hell are you talking about?
Tom Scavo: You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker Scavo: At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo.
Tom Scavo: Come on, we'll love working together,
Porter Scavo: Why? We don't even like living together.
Preston Scavo: You're not even going to pay us?
Penny Scavo: I'm nine, is that even legal?
Tom Scavo: I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday!
Parker Scavo: Mom, please do something.

Lynette Scavo: [Penny won't make salads] You're not a baby, you're fifteen, remember?
Penny Scavo: Also, I can't find my band-aid.
Lynette Scavo: Ok, you fill water glasses, I'll make salads.
Parker Scavo: [Brings a check and money] Hey mom, this is for table 5.
Lynette Scavo: Ok, thanks. Uh, you didn't give them enough change.
Parker Scavo: Yeah, I know. i figured this out, you can short people one percent and they won't even notice. If they've got a buzz on, three percent.
Lynette Scavo: Ok, you make the salads, I'll handle the register.
Lynette Scavo: [the twins are fighting over who will wait on a hot lady] Well since I'm the only one who can wait on that table without knocking over the drink with my pants, how 'bout I take it?

[the twins decide to take a break as soon as a group of teenagers come in]
Lynette Scavo: What's going on here?
Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school.
Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom Scavo: Fine, don't wear the apron.
Porter Scavo: No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here.
[Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up]
Parker Scavo: [looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve-top, who's taking it?
Tom Scavo: I will.
[they all look shocked]

Tom Scavo: I had to let all of our employees go. So starting tomorrow you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette Scavo: Tom what the hell are you talking about?
Tom Scavo: I got it all worked out. You and I will handle the days and the kids will join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker Scavo: Um. At the risk of sounding spoiled. No.
Tom Scavo: come on it'll be fantastic! We'll love working together!
Porter Scavo: Why? we don't even like living together.
Tom Scavo: look labor is our number one cost if we can eliminate it we'll start making a profit again.
Preston Scavo: what you're not even gonna pay us?
Penny Scavo: I'm nine is that even legal?
Tom Scavo: I think so... but just to be safe you're now 15. Happy Birthday!

Porter Scavo: Just so you know, 30 years from now when you and dad are old and feeble...
Lynette Scavo: You're putting us in the cheapest nursing home you can find, yeah. I got it.

Lynette Scavo: [Preston sees a group of kids from his and Porters school and Porter and Preston decide to take a break] Wow, wow, wow, what's going on here?
Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school.
Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDermitt. The guy called me Jesus for a year cause i wore sandals one day if he sees me wearing this I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom Scavo: Fine don't wear the apron that's...
Porter Scavo: No. I'm not waiting on a kid who's going to make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here!
Tom Scavo: Humiliating?
Lynette Scavo: Guy's easy
Tom Scavo: No you're not humiliated when you use the money we make here to buy your clothes!
Lynette Scavo: Tom it's fine, I'll take the table
Tom Scavo: No no no no no no no your mother can't wait on this whole restaurant herself!
Porter Scavo: Well then you do it!
Tom Scavo: Porter I'm your father and your boss and I'm telling you right now to go take that table.
Porter Scavo: Or what your gonna fire me? go for it.
Tom Scavo: [grabs Porter by his collar and shoves him against the wall as Lynette gasps] Do you think this is a joke? This is my life!
Lynette Scavo: Tom!...
Tom Scavo: No!
[shakes Porter repeatedly]
Tom Scavo: you're worried about being embarrassed?
[shakes Porter while saying]
Tom Scavo: I've put everything I have into this restaurant!
Lynette Scavo: Alright that's enough! Let got of him! Let go of him! Let go of him!
Parker Scavo: Guys... I just set a twelve top. Who's taking it?
Tom Scavo: [sighs] ... I will...
[he walks off as everyone stares at him looking scared]

"Desperate Housewives: Bang (#3.7)" (2006)
Carolyn Bigsby: Don't look at me that way you know you wanted her dead.
Lynette Scavo: How can you say that?
Carolyn Bigsby: Well you told me about her and your husband after and I made it pretty clear where I stand on whores.
Lynette Scavo: I did not want this. Don't you dare say that I wanted this.
Carolyn Bigsby: Shut up!
Lynette Scavo: No I will not shup up! What's the matter with you?
Carolyn Bigsby: Have you not been paying attention, my husband cheated on me!
Lynette Scavo: Who cares! Who cares, we all have pain! Everyone in here has pain but we deal with it! We swallow it and get going with our lives. What we don't do is go around shooting strangers!
Carolyn Bigsby: She deserved it!
Lynette Scavo: Well maybe you deserved to be cheated on!

Mary Alice Young: [narrating] Lynette Scavo had a dream that night. It was one she had many times before.
Lynette Scavo: Hey! Mary-Alice, are you okay?
Mary Alice Young: Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
Lynette Scavo: Ok! I'll see you later!
Mary Alice Young: [narrating] But this night, something changed.
Lynette Scavo: No, you're not. I can tell. Please, tell me what's wrong. Let me save you.
Mary Alice Young: You can't.
Lynette Scavo: Why not?
Mary Alice Young: Sweety, we can't prevent what we can't predict!
Lynette Scavo: Isn't there anything I could do?
Mary Alice Young: Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them.
Mary Alice Young: [narrating] This was the last time Lynette would ever dream of me. And for her sake, I'm grateful.

Nora: [shot] "Kayla was the one thing I did good in my life. Promise me you'll take really good care of her."
Lynette Scavo: [nods]
Nora: Come on, I don't have all day.
Lynette Scavo: [crying] I will, I promise

Susan Mayer: Hey, is that the new neighbor?
Gabrielle Solis: He's cute!
Lynette Scavo: Edie said he's a bachelor.
Gabrielle Solis: Keep talking.
Lynette Scavo: Who lives with his invalid sister.
Gabrielle Solis: You can stop now.

[the twins are making a human pyramid with Parker on top]
Preston Scavo: Mommy, look at us!
Lynette Scavo: I'll look as soon as I get back from the store.
Parker Scavo: [waves goodbye] Bye mom!

[Lynette is on the floor in the grocery store trying to call Tom because a women is holding hostages in the back, at gun-point]
Parker Scavo: [Parker picks up] Hello?
Lynette Scavo: Hello, sweetie it's mommy, I need to talk to daddy.
Parker Scavo: Porter's hogging all the Legos.
Lynette Scavo: Tell them I said to share, now put daddy on.
Parker Scavo: I did tell them, but he says he needs them all for his robot!
Lynette Scavo: Put daddy on and I'll buy you a real robot.
Parker Scavo: [his eyes get wide with excitement] You will?
Lynette Scavo: A big one with laser beam eyes, now go, get daddy!
Parker Scavo: [to the twins] I'm getting a real robot!
[twins shouting complaints]

"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Lynette: You are going to behave today. I am not gonna be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know that I'm serious, I am...
[takes a piece of paper out of her pocket]
Porter Scavo: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell-phone number!
Preston Scavo: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Are you willing to risk that?

Susan Mayer: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for lunch.
Gabrielle Solis: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
Lynette: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

Lynette: What are you doing? We are at a wake!
Preston Scavo: When we got here you said we could go in the pool.
Lynette: I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on?
Preston Scavo: Yeah, we put them on under our clothes before we left.

Lynette: [to Parker] Not now, honey, Mommy's threatening Daddy.

Lynette: Oh, wait, I got to tell you. I was having trouble with swelling so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom.
Tom Scavo: A condom?
Lynette: Yeah.
Tom Scavo: What's the big deal? Let's risk it.
Lynette: Let's risk it?
Tom Scavo: Yeah.
[Lynette punches him in the face]

"Desperate Housewives: Rose's Turn (#5.20)" (2009)
Tom Scavo: [Tom and Lynette are having dinner with Gabby and Carlos Tom has just found out Carlos saw Lynette naked after she tripped and fell in the shower] What's going on here?
Gabrielle Solis: Lynette was taking a shower and Carlos came by to drive her to work she tripped and fell and he helped her.
Lynette Scavo: You told her? I asked you no to.
Carlos Solis: She's my wife I tell her everything.
Tom Scavo: Well you hear that Lynette? They tell each other everything, that way they know that they're not hiding anything.
Lynette Scavo: I was just afraid you'd overreact! Like you're doing right now.
Tom Scavo: Full disclosure Lynette! That's what a marriage is about!
Gabrielle Solis: So I guess you disclosed your little "friendship" with Patty Rizzo?
Lynette Scavo: What little friendship?
Tom Scavo: You know what I think this is gorgenzola.
Lynette Scavo: Tom?
Tom Scavo: Patty gave me a ride home and for some reason Gabby's making a big deal about it.
Lynette Scavo: Because it's Patty Rizzo, she's a total slut. You should be on antibiotics just for sitting in her car!
Gabrielle Solis: Exactly!
Carlos Solis: Stay out of this Gabby you've done enough damage!
Gabrielle Solis: Hey don't snap at me! Lynette's my friend and I was just watching her back!
Tom Scavo: While your husband was watching her back!
Lynette Scavo: Drop it Tom! We'll continue this at home!
Gabrielle Solis: If you have a shower at the office, how come you come home smelling so bad?
Carlos Solis: I don't know... Why does lamb tat like sawdust?

Lynette Scavo: What's that look on your face? You didn't eat dairy again did you?
Tom Scavo: No I've been working out!
Lynette Scavo: Oh.
Tom Scavo: If you're good I'll let you cut the feel
Lynette Scavo: That's ok I can see it from here. It's "thrilling"

Tom Scavo: Wait you just took a shower, where?
Lynette Scavo: At work.
Tom Scavo: Didn't know you had a shower there.
Lynette Scavo: I don't, Carlos does.
Tom Scavo: So you went into Carlos' office stripped naked and took a shower?
Lynette Scavo: No I went into Carlos' "bathroom" closed the door then stripped naked and took a shower.
Tom Scavo: I'm not comfortable with this. What if he walked in?
Lynette Scavo: Then maybe I'd get that raise I've been asking for.
Tom Scavo: This isn't funny. You already spend 16 hours a day with the guy and now I find out that some of those hours you are naked and wet!
Lynette Scavo: Hours? It was two minutes. It's not like I'm lighting candles and playing Berry White.
Tom Scavo: I don't care I want it to stop.
Lynette Scavo: Fine... I should've just had sex I'd be asleep by now.

Lynette Scavo: So I wanna hear more about the garden club. Tom says he's meeting all kinds of nice people
Gabrielle Solis: Really? Any favourites Tom?
Tom Scavo: They're all great gals. One's sorta a pain in the ass. Other than her, having a great time!
Gabrielle Solis: All though I keep telling Tom how dangerous gardens can be everywhere you step there are shovels and rakes and "hoes".

"Desperate Housewives: Ah, But Underneath (#1.2)" (2004)
[after the kids bite and knock the beefy middle-aged woman over]
Lynette Scavo: Run, boys, run!

[a motorcycle cop pulls Lynette over]
Officer Hayes: License and registration, please.
[she hands them to him]
Officer Hayes: Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?
[she looks at the kids in the back]
Lynette Scavo: I have a theory.
Officer Hayes: The kids were jumping up and down. They should be sitting, wearing their seatbelts.
Lynette Scavo: I yelled at them. They never listen to me. It's very frustrating.
Officer Hayes: Well, you have to find a way to control them. After all, that's your job.
[he hands her the ticket and walks off]
Mary Alice Young: [narrating] Though he'd been a policeman for six years, Officer Hayes had never found himself in a truly dangerous situation. Then again, he had never before told a woman how to raise her children.
[Lynette furiously gets out of her car and slowly approaches Officer Hayes]
Lynette Scavo: Are you saying I'm a bad mother?
Officer Hayes: Ma'am, you need to get back in your car, please.
Lynette Scavo: I have no help. My husband's always away on business.
Officer Hayes: I'm gonna have to ask you to step back now.
Lynette Scavo: My babysitter joined the Witness Relocation Program! I haven't slept through the night...
[Officer Hayes slowly reaches for his gun]
Officer Hayes: Ma'am.
Lynette Scavo: six years. And for you to stand there and judge me...
[she stands in front of Officer Hayes, who's terrified. He looks at the children, who are acting terrible]
Officer Hayes: Okay. I'm not gonna give you a ticket. I'm just gonna let you off with a warning.
Lynette Scavo: I accept your apology.
[she takes the warning, sighs, and gets back in the car]
Officer Hayes: Buckle up.

Susan: I think we should give it to Paul.
Gabrielle Solis: He's still mourning Susan. He'll probably freak out.
Susan: It doesn't matter. She was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.
Lynette Scavo: That'll be fun. "Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep dark secret. Another bear claw".

Beefy Middle-Aged Woman: Listen, it seems to me that you have some anger management issues.
Lynette Scavo: I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues.

"Desperate Housewives: Anything You Can Do (#1.7)" (2004)
Bree Van De Kamp: God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack.
Susan Mayer: He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him.
Lynette Scavo: Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?
Susan Mayer: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it.
Gabrielle Solis: Who the hell's Dana?
Lynette Scavo: That's the mystery part.
Susan Mayer: I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide.
Lynette Scavo: So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret...
Bree Van De Kamp: ...and sent the note.
Gabrielle Solis: So who the hell is that?

Tom Scavo: Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!
Lynette Scavo: Thanks.
Tom Scavo: Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign.
Lynette Scavo: Great! You wanna run it by me?
Tom Scavo: No. I'm good. But, thanks.
Lynette Scavo: Okay.
Tom Scavo: Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah?
Tom Scavo: I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could...
Lynette Scavo: And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?
Tom Scavo: Uh... day after tomorrow!
Lynette Scavo: Tom!
Tom Scavo: Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice.
Lynette Scavo: You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?
Tom Scavo: I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time...

Lynette Scavo: What did you say?
Tom Scavo: Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it.
Lynette Scavo: No, no. Let's, let's do it.
Tom Scavo: Really?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah, it's good for your career. I'll pull it off.

Lynette Scavo: Hey, Jordana!
Jordana Geist: Hey Lynette, how are you? You look a little tired. Is everything okay?
Lynette Scavo: Actually, I'm getting ready for a dinner party tomorrow night. Six people.
Jordana Geist: Sounds fun.
Lynette Scavo: Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare just to get me over the hump?
Jordana Geist: Tina! Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm really running low. I need all my energy I can get. My sister, Elaine, and her kids are flying in town for a week.
Lynette Scavo: Yeah, that's exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often.
Jordana Geist: Yeah, sisters are great.
Lynette Scavo: Yeah. Just three or four pills, I'm really hitting a wall here.
Jordana Geist: Yeah, the come down can be a real bitch. I wish I could help.
Lynette Scavo: I'm not going to forget about this, Jordana.
Jordana Geist: What's that supposed to mean?
Lynette Scavo: It means come Girl Scout Cookie time, don't bother bringing little Tina, because we won't be home!

"Desperate Housewives: Don't Look at Me (#2.19)" (2006)
Mrs. Pate: Yesterday afternoon, Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina.
Lynette: What kind of cookie?
Mrs. Pate: What does that matter?
Lynette: Oh, it doesn't. I'm just stalling because I am completely mortified.

Karen McCluskey: Here's the big news. Parker offered me a fudgesicle if I would show him my vagina. Oh, good god, Lynette, relax. I didn't do it. I just got this out of the freezer a second ago.
Lynette: Uh, yeah. Of course, no, sorry.
Karen McCluskey: Apparently, Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me and see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff?
Lynette: Oh, that was me. He was asking about the birds and the bees and I fudged a few of the details. Well, he's only seven years old. I don't think he needs to know everything yet. I don't wanna rob him of his innocence.
Karen McCluskey: Well, now, that's where you're wrong. You get 'em when they're young. Give 'em all the gory details. And then when they're good and disgusted, you shame 'em.
Lynette: Excuse me?
Karen McCluskey: You tell them sex is dirty and wrong and he shouldn't talk about it and if he does, he's going straight to hell.
Lynette: That is ridiculous.
Karen McCluskey: Spoken like a true liberal idiot.
Lynette: No, I am not going to shame my son.
Karen McCluskey: Mm, I'm telling ya, it works. It keeps people in their place, it keeps parents from being humiliated, and it keeps me from having to spend the afternoon talking about my woo-woo.

Lynette: [Parker is coloring] Sweety could you put the crayons down for a second, we need to talk. I talked to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou.
Parker Scavo: Oh, are you mad?
Lynette: [laughs uncomfortably] No, not exactly, I'm trying to understand why you did that.
Parker Scavo: [Innocently] Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there, that doesn't sound right to me.
Lynette: Well, actually he's kinda right, he's got the concept down.
Parker Scavo: [Innocently confused] That's weird! How does a baby get in there?
Lynette: Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days, why don't you wait for him?
Parker Scavo: OK. Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen and he knows everything!
Lynette: [Parker looks skeptical as Lynette draws a picture] ... And then the mommy and the dadd because they love each other so much, they hug real tight, and a seed is magically implanted and nine months later a baby is born.
Parker Scavo: What kind of seed?
Lynette: Oh, that's not important.
Parker Scavo: I don't believe you!
Lynette: Parker I'm your mother. Mother's don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.

Lynette: I talked to Mrs. McCuskey and for God sakes Parker, you can't ask people things like that.
Parker Scavo: Why?
Lynette: [Grasping for straws] Because, it's rude.
Parker Scavo: I said please!
Lynette: That doesn't matter. You gotta quit talking to people about their bodies, and about where babies come from.
Parker Scavo: Why?
Lynette: Because it's not an appropriate subject.
Parker Scavo: Why?
Lynette: Because it's not.
Parker Scavo: Why?
Lynette: Ahh, because it's dirty and wrong and I'll wash your mouth out with soap, that's why!
[he looks shocked]

"Desperate Housewives: A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. (#5.18)" (2009)
Juanita Solis: We're bored...
Lynette Scavo: Hey I got you sodas didn't I and I let you feed the paper shredder.
Juanita Solis: Don't you have any toys?
Lynette Scavo: No. Got a hole puncher! Sorry that's the best I could do. Come on.
Juanita Solis: [Juanita and Cecilia see Lucy's figurines] What about those glass things? They're pretty can we hold one?
Lynette Scavo: Oh sweety those aren't to play with. Not unless you want to see someone go completely bonkers... Actually, they do look like a lot of fun. If only I had the power to stop you.

Carlos Solis: [Carlos and Gabby walk down the corridor to hear Lucy yelling. Carlos to Lynette] What's with the yelling?
Lynette Scavo: I don't know I'm just as worried as you are...

Lynette Scavo: [to Lucy as she's packing up her office] Don't forget your little animals!...

"Desperate Housewives: If It's Only in Your Head (#5.24)" (2009)
[Tom gets into college]
Parker Scavo: I can help you study if you want.
Tom Scavo: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese.
Preston Scavo: I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin.
Lynette Scavo: I'm so proud. Porter aren't you gonna congratulate your father.
Porter Scavo: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.

Lynette: I went to the doctor today.
Tom: What's wrong?
Lynette: I'm pregnant.
Tom: Pregnant?... With a baby?
Lynette: How long have you been sniffing those markers? Of course with a baby.

Lynette Scavo: [Preston, Porter and Lynette help a drunk Tom inside] Ok, easy easy, you're a little drunk there.
Tom Scavo: [kiss Lynette] That's cause I love you Lynette
Lynette Scavo: I love you to baby, there you go.
Tom Scavo: [turns to Porter still helping him] And I love you Preston.
Porter Scavo: I'm Porter
Tom Scavo: I never could tell you two apart, but you're my favourite
[Porter raises his eyebrows and helps Tom to sit down, takes of Tom's shows for him]
Tom Scavo: Lynette how come you let me drink so many margaritas?
Preston Scavo: Yeah and why did we have to stay to closing? It's almost 2.00
Lynette Scavo: Who cares what time it is? We were celebrating a big change in your dad's life.
Tom Scavo: WOOHOO!
Lynette Scavo: Woo! Hey someone called.
[plays the message about the mix up with the time for Tom's test, for the next day at 8.00am]
Tom Scavo: Oh cram! I gotta crap for that test1
Lynette Scavo: Oh geez...

"Desperate Housewives: Pretty Little Picture (#1.3)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: How could we have all forgotten about this?
Lynette Scavo: We didn't exactly forget. It's just that usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.
Bree: Lynette!
Lynette Scavo: I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

Lynette Scavo: [to Tom] Throw a dinner party? I don't even have time to wash my face!

Susan Mayer: Lynette?
Lynette Scavo: I'm in.
Bree: I'll make braised lamb shanks.
Lynette Scavo: I'm still in.

"Desperate Housewives: Mother Said (#4.15)" (2008)
[the kids sneak into Lynette's room while she's asleep]
Parker Scavo, Preston Scavo, Porter Scavo: Happy Mother's Day!
Lynette Scavo: Oh my gosh, that is so sweet, thank you.
[Porter gives her a breafast in bed tray with breakfast on it]
Parker Scavo: We're gonna go get your present.
Porter Scavo: I hope you like turtles!

Lynette Scavo: [to Kayla] We're supposed to be spending time together not going into debt.

"Desperate Housewives: Bargaining (#5.21)" (2009)
Tom Scavo: Last night we were having sex, you fell asleep.
Lynette Scavo: After?
Tom Scavo: During.
Lynette Scavo: Oh... was it good?

Lynette Scavo: [walks in as Tom is cleaning the house] See this? My third espresso, I'm wired no way I'm falling asleep tonight.
Tom Scavo: [glares at Lynette and continues cleaning without saying a word]
Lynette Scavo: Hey. How about we throw a pizza on the front lawn and when the kids run out to get it, we lock the door and "do it" in every room in the house?

"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Gabrielle: We were supposed to have four weeks. She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks. We don't have anything! We don't, we don't have diapers, and we don't have the stuff babies drink.
Lynette: Formula.
Gabrielle: Exactly. We're not ready! You know, this is a total inconvenience.
Lynette: Welcome to parenthood. Come on.

Lynette: What is it? Teeth?
Felicia Tilman: Dentures. They were my dear sister, Martha's. I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child.
Edie: Oh. Thank you.
Felicia Tilman: I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you and Martha were such close friends, Edie. I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by since she left us so abruptly. You know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail.
Edie: Felicia, uh, I think you've had enough.
Felicia Tilman: I do apologize if I've offended anyone, but while you all are chit-chatting and eating these yummy hors d'oeuvres, just remember you're in the company of a murderer.

"Desperate Housewives: Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know (#5.19)" (2009)
Gabrielle Solis: Ok my hour's up someone else hold Edie now.
Lynette Scavo: I'll take her!
[Gabby hands Lynette the urn and after a few second of holding it Lynette opens the it]
Lynette Scavo: kinda looks like cat litter.
Susan Mayer: Lynette! Don't look at Edie...
Lynette Scavo: Or what I'll turn to stone? She's all rough and gritty...
Bree Van De Kamp: Uh Gabby... before we learn what Edie tastes like.
Gabrielle Solis: I got it...
Bree Van De Kamp: I think a little more reverence for the dead is in order.
Lynette Scavo: Oh please we're talking about Edie. A little more irreverence is what we need.

Susan Mayer: What do you mean 'you two' were the hottest chicks on the lane?
Lynette Scavo: She called me a 'baby factory'?
Karen McCluskey: Yeah Gabby in hindsight maybe you shouldn't have told that part of the story
Gabrielle Solis: Oh pfft!

"Desperate Housewives: No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds (#3.11)" (2007)
[Lynette is giving dinner to the kids, Kayla walks over toward the TV with hers]
Lynette Scavo: Kayla, where are you going?
Kayla: To watch TV.
Lynette Scavo: Oh, sweety we don't watch TV during dinner.
Kayla: But my show is on.
Lynette Scavo: Well, I'm sorry those are the rules.
Kayla: My mommy let me.
Lynette Scavo: Just this once.
Lynette Scavo: [the twins give Lynette 'What gives?' looks, Parker crosses his arms] Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking, but Kayla's going through a hard time right now, come and sit down. Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ice cream when you're sick.
Porter Scavo: But she's not sick.
Lynette Scavo: That's true, but she's sad.
Parker Scavo: [cute or funny] I'm sad, I can't watch TV!
Lynette Scavo: Eat your tacos.
Lynette Scavo: [Kids give each other looks of agreement and get up to go over to the TV] Wow, wow, wow, sit your buts down.
Preston Scavo: It's not fair.
Lynette Scavo: I don't care, we have rules.
Porter Scavo: Well she gets to!
Lynette Scavo: She's special, now sit down! Come on.
Porter Scavo: Does she get dessert too?
Kayla: Of course I do.

Lynette Scavo: [Tom pulls up in the van bringing Kayla to live with them] Ok, they're here, now listen,
[to Parker]
Lynette Scavo: stand up. Kayla has been through a lot so when she walks through the door I want you to make her feel welcome, ok, give her a hug and be really nice.
Parker Scavo: I'm giving her my room, how much nicer do I have to be?
Lynette Scavo: Well nicer than that or she's gonna get all your toys too!

"Desperate Housewives: Now I Know, Don't Be Scared (#4.6)" (2007)
Parker Scavo: MOM! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone.
Lynette Scavo: Great! Grab this.
[hands him a sack of rodent poison]
Parker Scavo: What's this stuff for?
Lynette Scavo: You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?
Parker Scavo: [Happily] Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles!
Lynette Scavo: Don't give him a name, he's not gonna be around much longer.
Parker Scavo: [concerned] You're not gonna hurt him are you?
Lynette Scavo: Honey, I put up a fence and he burrowed right under it. The man at the garden center said these are crafty creatures and there's only one way to stop 'em.
Parker Scavo: So you're gonna kill him?
Lynette Scavo: Sweaty let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick?
Parker Scavo: Scruffles!
Lynette Scavo: Ok, we're done talkin' here.
[she grabs the bags from him, leaving him looking a little upset]

Tom Scavo: Ok, now you're scaring me.
Lynette Scavo: Why?
Tom Scavo: Look at yourself. You've declared jihad on a possum.
Lynette Scavo: This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!
Tom Scavo: OK. You do what you need to do.
Lynette Scavo: Thank you.

"Desperate Housewives: It Wasn't Meant to Happen (#2.20)" (2006)
Lynette: Karl broke up with Edie.
Susan: Oh my God!
Bree: Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone.
Susan: Really? Did he say who it is?
Edie: I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!
Bree: [Pause] No, he did not say.

Ed Ferrara: At least you and Tom have a love life.
Lynette: Well, we do the best we can. Given the circumstances.
Ed Ferrara: Better than Fran and I. We're dead in that apartment. Ah, I don't wanna bore you with the details.
Lynette: I appreciate that. You know, Ed. I don't want to pry into your personal business, but if you are having problems in that area, you don't have to be resigned to it.
Ed Ferrara: What are you suggesting, hookers? No, Ed Ferrara doesn't pay for sex.

"Desperate Housewives: The Gun Song (#4.16)" (2008)
Lynette: Kayla, I'm sorry how everything turned out.
Kayla Huntington: No, you're not.
Lynette: Okay then.

Parker Scavo: Since when do you make waffles?
Lynette: Well Kayla loves waffles, and since she and I have been having some problems lately, I'm doing something nice for her.

"Desperate Housewives: Every Day a Little Death (#1.12)" (2005)
[the twins put gum in Parker's hair, so Lynette is trying to scrape it out, the entire time he is in pain]
Lynette Scavo: Well, yeah I know it hurts, but that's what you get when you let your brothers put bubble gum in your hair, pain and misery.
Parker Scavo: Are you mad at me?
Lynette Scavo: Yes, yes, I am mad at you. And I'm also cranky. You know how you get when you haven't taken a nap? Well mommies are the same way, we need our down time and if we don't get it, we end up saying and doing things which we don't normally do. And it's frustrating for me too because I do wanna be the best mommy I can be.
Parker Scavo: I think you're the best mommy in the world!
Lynette Scavo: That's sweet of you but it's not exactly true.
[She gets out hair clippers, he looks scared]

[the lady at the health club is letting Lynette in because she thinks Parker has cancer because of his shaved head]
[Another women who survived cancer asks to hug Parker, and offers him reassurances]
Parker Scavo: [Scared] Mommy, am I dying?
Lynette Scavo: No! You're not dying! People just think that because I shaved your head.
Lauren: You shaved his head?
Parker Scavo: Yeah, my brothers put bubble gum in my hair.

"Desperate Housewives: There Won't Be Trumpets (#1.17)" (2005)
[Alisa Stevens is a deaf woman]
Alisa Stevens: Dennis left me.
Lynette: What?

Soprano Singer: [sings "Ave Maria" a cappella during the funeral procession of Juanita Solis]
Lynette: What a voice.
Bree Van De Kamp: You have to hand it to the Catholics. They do grief better than anyone.

"Desperate Housewives: What Would We Do Without You? (#3.22)" (2007)
[Lynette and Tom aren't talking at all at breakfast]
Parker Scavo: Are you mad at daddy?
Lynette Scavo: No. Why would you think that?
Parker Scavo: Cause you're not talking to him.
Lynette Scavo: Well you know two people who have known each other as long as mommy and daddy ahve, they don't have to always talk, in fact a sign of a good relationship is being comfortable in silence.
Tom Scavo: That's true, although mommy ignoring me last night at work wasn't exactly what I call comfortable.
Lynette Scavo: Well daddy probably didn't notice that I was unloading twenty-pound bags of flour cause he still can't lift them, so mommy didn't exactly have time to sit around and chew the fat.
Tom Scavo: Well you haven't wanted to chew that fat for five days now. Come on Lynette something is obviously bugging you.
Lynette Scavo: You wanna know what's bugging me? I'm trying to have a lovely breakfast with my family and you're picking a fight.
Tom Scavo: Who's fighting, I just wanna talk!
Lynette Scavo: There's nothing to talk about, OK, just leave me alone.
Parker Scavo: Sorry I asked!

"Desperate Housewives: Getting Married Today (#3.23)" (2007)
Stella Wingfield: [Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.
Stella Wingfield: [they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?
Lynette Scavo: It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.
Stella Wingfield: Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.
[hands Parker a book]
Stella Wingfield: And for you and you.
[hands the twins books]
Parker Scavo: These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.
Stella Wingfield: Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.
Porter Scavo: We're eight.
Stella Wingfield: What do I care?
Lynette Scavo: Just say thank you.
[kids say 'thank you']
Stella Wingfield: [pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?
Parker Scavo: [looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!
Stella Wingfield: [to Lynette] Oh, is that Toms little B-a-s-t-a...
Tom Scavo: Ok kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

"Desperate Housewives: Welcome to Kanagawa (#4.10)" (2008)
[Parker walks in while Lynette and Mrs. McCluskey ar cleaning up Ida Greenburg's things]
Parker Scavo: Daddy said you where over here, can I help?
Lynette Scavo: [kisses him on the head] Ohh, mwa, mwa, mwa! You realise we're cleaning, right? We're not eating candy.
Karen McCluskey: That's sweet Parker, but we've got everything under control here if you wanna go play.
Parker Scavo: No, I wanna do something nice for Mrs. Greenburg. She sorta saved my life.
Lynette Scavo: What do you mean?
Parker Scavo: When the house was shaking and daddy was passed out by his asthma Mrs. Greenburg made us all go under the stairs.
Lynette Scavo: But that's not where they found her.
Parker Scavo: Yeah, there wasn't enough room for her. She said she be okay in the corner!
Karen McCluskey: Uh, Parker you wanna help? Ida has some ice cream in the freezer that needs eating before it goes bad.

"Desperate Housewives: Down the Block There's a Riot (#7.10)" (2010)
[as the riot goes on]
Lynette Scavo: This is all on you, I hope you know that!
Paul Young: Me? Those are your friends out there, Lynette. The solid citizens of Fairview! Tell me again why you think they're better than a bunch of ex-cons.

"Desperate Housewives: Now You Know (#4.1)" (2007)
Lynette Scavo: And, Edie, you look great, especially, you know, given the circumstances.
Edie Britt: You mean that I tried to hang myself? Well, it's okay. The doctor encouraged me to talk about it.
Bree: Surely not over food.

"Desperate Housewives: Come Play Wiz Me (#3.13)" (2007)
Parker Scavo: [Lynette is looking at herself in an outfit, when she notices Parker in the mirror playing with his foam football] What'cha doin'?
Lynette Scavo: Oh, deciding what to wear my first day back to work. Do I look fat in this?
Parker Scavo: I think you look good in everything!
Lynette Scavo: Wow, you father's taught you well.
Parker Scavo: What about the street fair? If you're going back to work, who's going to take me?
Lynette Scavo: Mrs. McClusky, won't that be fun?
Parker Scavo: No. Do you have to go back to work?
Lynette Scavo: Come on, you and your brothers will be thrilled. Me going back to work is not that big a deal, we're only loosing a little time together in the afternoon.
Parker Scavo: Every hour counts. I miss you all day long.
Lynette Scavo: [She hugs him, kisses and rubs him on the head] Aww, honey, geez. Do you really mean that, or are you manipulating mommy into feeling incredibly guilty?
Parker Scavo: A little of both.
Lynette Scavo: Yep, your father's taught you well.
[He smiles at her]

"Desperate Housewives: Silly People (#2.14)" (2006)
Ed Ferrara: So, the pig actually eats the bacon?
Tom Scavo: Uh, huh, yeah.
Ed Ferrara: I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.
Lynette Scavo: Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.
Ed Ferrara: What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?
Tom Scavo: More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.
Ed Ferrara: You were Greek?
Tom Scavo: Alpha Tau Omega.
Ed Ferrara: I was Phi Kap.
Tom Scavo: You?
Ed Ferrara: And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.
Tom Scavo: Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.
Ed Ferrara: Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

"Desperate Housewives: God, That's Good (#3.19)" (2007)
Lynette Scavo: [Lynette finds Parker staring into their freezer] Hi buddy, what'cha doing?
Parker Scavo: Nothing.
Lynette Scavo: You seem a little mopey lately, is everything okay?
Parker Scavo: Yeah. Can we go see Mrs. McClusky?
Karen McCluskey: [at the hospital] You guys didn't have to come here, no matter what that CAT scan says, I'm breakin' out tomorrow.
Lynette Scavo: Well Parker really wanted to come see you.
Karen McCluskey: [pats him on the head] Don't tell your brothers, you where always my favorite.
Parker Scavo: [quietly] I saw the man in your freezer.
Karen McCluskey: [Smile fades from her face] Lynette could you run down to the snack bar and get me some green jello?
Lynette Scavo: Oh, sure.
Karen McCluskey: OK, time for a little grown-up talk.
[Lynette sees Parker sitting on the bed with Mrs. McClusky talking to him]
Karen McCluskey: So can you understand now why I had to do what I did?
[he nods]
Karen McCluskey: And you know you can never tell anyone, not even you mom?
[he nods again]
Lynette Scavo: They didn't have jello, so I hope pudding is okay.
Karen McCluskey: Ya know, lets give it to Parker, good boy like him deserves a treat.
[he smiles at her]

"Desperate Housewives: Your Fault (#1.13)" (2005)
[Lynette's father-in-law, Rodney, climbs up the ladder to the roof, from where grandson Parker is not budging. He is afraid to climb down despite Lynette's prior attempts to coax him down]
Rodney Scavo: Parker, I got a question for you. It's only one, but it's kind of an important question - a character-defining question, actually. Wanna hear it?
Parker Scavo: Hm-hmm.
Rodney Scavo: Only a little girl would be afraid to come down the ladder. Now, you're not a little girl, are you?
[Lynette looks askance at Rodney]
Rodney Scavo: I'm not looking at a girly girl, am I?
Rodney Scavo: [Tom comes back outside]
Tom Scavo: [to his father, who's climbing down the ladder with Parker piggy-backing] Wow, you got him down.
[to wife Lynette]
Tom Scavo: How'd he do that?
Lynette Scavo: Sexism.

"Desperate Housewives: Get Out of My Life (#8.14)" (2012)
[Lynette greets her twin sons coming to visit, then notices they have luggage and figures out they want to move back in, so she barricades herself in the house]
Preston Scavo: Please let us in, we're children of divorce.
Lynette Scavo: Exactly. Go to your dad's.
Preston Scavo: But we like you so much more.
Lynette Scavo: Don't give me that!
Porter Scavo: No, seriously... Dad has that stupid girlfriend.
Preston Scavo: And he's been so unfair to you.
Lynette Scavo: [letting them in] You had me at 'stupid girlfriend'.

"Desperate Housewives: Running to Stand Still (#1.6)" (2004)
Lynette Scavo: I'm not surprised that he's playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we're on to him.
Bree Van De Kamp: Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?
Susan Mayer: No. That's why we have to find him. It's the only way we'll know the truth.
Bree Van De Kamp: It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible.
Gabrielle Solis: Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way.

"Desperate Housewives: A Vision's Just a Vision (#5.10)" (2008)
[Lynette decides to have a family breakfast]
Lynette Scavo: So, Parker how's that science project you've been working on?
[Cops ring the door bell and arrest Porter]
Parker Scavo: Guess we're done talking about my science project, huh?
Lynette Scavo: Yes, sweety we are.

"Desperate Housewives: Like It Was (#3.4)" (2006)
Lynette Scavo: Parker, hey, where's your uniform? You've got your game in an hour.
Parker Scavo: No I don't, I quit.
Lynette Scavo: What?
Parker Scavo: I hate baseball! Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore.
Lynette Scavo: Well daddy should've checked with mommy so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing!
Parker Scavo: But mom, I suck! Everybody says so! That's why they made up a fake position for me!
Lynette Scavo: It's not fake. There's not a team I know that can get along without their back-up far right fielder! OK, come on, let's go practice.
Parker Scavo: [disgrunteled] Ohh!

"Desperate Housewives: Come in, Stranger (#1.5)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: A guy just smiles at me three times and I'm picking out wedding china. I'm a mess.
Lynette Scavo: But to be fair, that's part of your charm.

"Desperate Housewives: Guilty (#1.8)" (2004)
Lynette Scavo: I love my kids so much. I'm so sorry they have me as a mother.
Bree Van De Kamp: Lynette, you are a great mother.
Lynette Scavo: No, I'm not. I can't do it. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. It's so humiliating.
Susan: No, it's not. So you got addicted to your kids' ADD medication. It happens.
Bree Van De Kamp: You've got four kids. That's a lot of stress. Honey, you just need some help.
Lynette Scavo: That's what makes it so humiliating. Other moms don't need help. Other moms make it look so easy. All I do is complain.
Susan: That's not true. When - when Julie was a baby, I - I was out of my mind almost every day.
Bree Van De Kamp: I used to get so upset when Andrew and Danielle were little, I used their nap times to cry.
Lynette Scavo: [sniffs] Why didn't you ever tell me this?
Bree Van De Kamp: [whispers] Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit that they can't handle the pressure.
Susan: I think it's just like we think, you know, it's easier to keep it all in.
Lynette Scavo: Oh, we shouldn't. We should tell each other this stuff.
Susan: It helps, huh?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah. It really
Lynette Scavo: does.
[continues sobbing]

"Desperate Housewives: Gossip (#3.20)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: Oh, that's right she babysat your kids.
Lynette Scavo: Oh, please I don't wanna think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean geez, if you wanna keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer.
Susan Mayer: Do you think she actually killed him?
Gabrielle Solis: Uh, yeah. Why else would she have hid the body?
Lynette Scavo: Well so far all they've charged her with is improper disposal of a corpse.
Gabrielle Solis: Once they defrost the body and do an autopsy, i guarentee you their gonna find a belly full of arsenic!
Parker Scavo: What's arsenic?
Lynette Scavo: It's just, it's something yucky. Go and play!

"Desperate Housewives: The Story of Lucy and Jessie (#5.17)" (2009)
Gabrielle Solis: Susan, if you're not sure what Jessie ment by it, why don't you just talk to her?
Susan Mayer: Oh, that would be way to awkward. She's my boss.
Lynette Scavo: She's your boss? Let her kiss you again and then sue her!
Gabrielle Solis: Okay, we're going to figure this out for you. Were her eyes open or shut?
Susan Mayer: I don't know.
Gabrielle Solis: Well, how many seconds did the kiss last?
Susan Mayer: I don't remember.
Gabrielle Solis: [frustrated] Oh, for God's sake, was it this?
[Gabrielle quickly smooches Susan on her lips]
Gabrielle Solis: Or was it this?
[Gabrielle kisses Susan passionately for about three seconds]
Susan Mayer: Uh... the second one.
Lynette Scavo: Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian.
Lee McDermott: [snickers] See you at the parade.

"Desperate Housewives: Remember: Part 1 (#2.23)" (2006)
[Lynette, the twins and Parker are at a hotel pool]
Parker Scavo: Where's daddy? I want to show him my dive.
Lynette Scavo: He's not coming, why don't you show me?
[Parker walks toward the deeper end of the pool, looking sad and disappointed]

"Desperate Housewives: Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else (#5.3)" (2008)
Dave Williams: [to Lynette] You know what a midlife crisis is?
Lynette Scavo: I'm married to a 45 year old man who has a red convertible. Yeah, I think I know.

"Desperate Housewives: The Game (#4.3)" (2007)
Lynette: I'm a ninja!

"Desperate Housewives: Sweetheart, I Have to Confess (#3.6)" (2006)
Parker Scavo: How long will daddy be gone?
Lynette Scavo: Well that sorta depends on daddy.
Porter Scavo: Are you two mad at each other?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah, a little, but that's okay. We still love each other very much, but like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out.
Preston Scavo: Why can't he take a time-out in his room?
Lynette Scavo: Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place.
Parker Scavo: [Being cute, while petting his dog] No fair that sounds fun!
Lynette Scavo: Not this pizza place, it's a rat hole. But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home.
Porter Scavo: What's petulant?
Lynette Scavo: It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your future's.
Preston Scavo: Huh?
Lynette Scavo: It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, he'll learn a new one: grovel!