Susan Delfino
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Quotes for
Susan Delfino (Character)
from "Desperate Housewives" (2004)

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"Desperate Housewives: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.
Mary Alice: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are.

Julie Mayer: Mom, why would someone kill themselves?
Susan Mayer: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.
Julie Mayer: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.
Susan Mayer: Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside.
Julie Mayer: Oh, you mean like how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?
Susan Mayer: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example.

Susan Mayer: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for lunch.
Gabrielle Solis: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
Lynette: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

Susan Mayer: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
Mike Delfino: Why?
Susan Mayer: I made it, trust me.
[Mike prepares to take a bite]
Susan Mayer: Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
Mike Delfino: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.
[Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as Susan gestures apologetically, smiling]
Mike Delfino: Oh my God.
[makes a face]
Mike Delfino: How did you... it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.
Susan Mayer: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.
[Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue]

Julie Mayer: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?
[Susan's pen halts stroke and stops what she is doing. She turns to look at Julie, open-mouthed]
Julie Mayer: Are you mad that I asked you that?
Susan Mayer: No, I'm just trying to remember.
[Julie tilts her head to one side, smiling at Susan, who turns back to her drawing]
Susan Mayer: I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.

Susan Mayer: How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?
Julie Mayer: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.
Susan Mayer: You're right.
Susan Mayer: So, is that your project for school? You know when I was in fifth grade I made the White House out of sugar cubes.
Julie Mayer: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.
Susan Mayer: [gapes at Julie] Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?
Julie Mayer: You were using me to hurt Dad.
Susan Mayer: Oh, that's right. Oh, God.

Susan Mayer: I have a clog.
Mike Delfino: Excuse me?
Susan Mayer: And you're a plumber, right?
Mike Delfino: Yeah.
Susan Mayer: The clog's in the pipe.
Mike Delfino: Yeah, that's usually where they are.

Susan Mayer: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!
Julie Mayer: You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner.
[Susan gives her a look]
Julie Mayer: You're right. They're doing it.

[last lines]
Susan Mayer: Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

Gabrielle Solis: If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives fifty feet away for God's sakes.
Susan Mayer: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on.

Mike Delfino: I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims' house next door.
Susan Mayer: Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

Susan Mayer: [breaking into Edie's house] Hello, anybody home? I need to borrow sugar.

"Desperate Housewives: Anything You Can Do (#1.7)" (2004)
Bree Van De Kamp: God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack.
Susan Mayer: He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him.
Lynette Scavo: Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?
Susan Mayer: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it.
Gabrielle Solis: Who the hell's Dana?
Lynette Scavo: That's the mystery part.
Susan Mayer: I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide.
Lynette Scavo: So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret...
Bree Van De Kamp: ...and sent the note.
Gabrielle Solis: So who the hell is that?

Julie Mayer: Mom, you're getting too dressed up.
Susan Mayer: I know, but I wanna look really sexy.
Julie Mayer: I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven.
Susan Mayer: Hmm. How about midnight?
Julie Mayer: All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?
Susan Mayer: Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation.
Julie Mayer: We are because I enjoy being an only child.
Susan Mayer: Are you finished?
Julie Mayer: Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again.
Susan Mayer: Okay, you can leave now.

Susan Mayer: Hey, Edie!
Edie Britt: Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.
Susan Mayer: Oh this? Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI.

Susan Mayer: Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice.
Mike Delfino: Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an -unexpected house guest.

Kendra Taylor: Coming through! Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Kendra.
Susan Mayer: Susan.
Kendra Taylor: I'm gonna run to the car and get my stuff.

Mike Delfino: I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend.
Susan Mayer: Old friend?
Mike Delfino: Yeah, you know...
Susan Mayer: Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?
Mike Delfino: It's hard to explain.
Susan Mayer: Could you give it a shot?

Mike Delfino: I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look... amazing.
Kendra Taylor: Mike, where are the towels?
Susan Mayer: Thanks.

Edie Britt: Hey, how was your big date?
Susan Mayer: Mike had to reschedule.
Edie Britt: Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI.

"Desperate Housewives: Ah, But Underneath (#1.2)" (2004)
[after reading the blackmail note]
Susan: Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

Susan: I think we should give it to Paul.
Gabrielle Solis: He's still mourning Susan. He'll probably freak out.
Susan: It doesn't matter. She was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts.
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.
Lynette Scavo: That'll be fun. "Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep dark secret. Another bear claw".

Julie Mayer: [mocking Susan] "Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive".
Susan: Shut up.
Julie Mayer: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.
Susan: I keep hoping he'll ask me out.
Julie Mayer: How's that going?
Susan: Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?

Martha Huber: Susan, have you been able to find any old clothes for Edie? She has nothing to wear.
Susan: I thought that was the look she was going for.
Martha Huber: Oh, Susan! Edie may be trash but she's still a human being!

Mike Delfino: Should I have told her we were having steak? She's not like, a vegetarian or something, is she?
Susan: Oh, no, no. No, Edie's definitely a carnivore.

Susan: Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night.
Julie Mayer: He did? Cool.
Susan: But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids.
[Runs up the stairs as she squeals]

Gabrielle Solis: So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?
Susan: Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support.
Gabrielle Solis: I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?
Susan: I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast.
Gabrielle Solis: Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there.
Susan: That's a good idea. Edie will get there at five forty five, which means her breasts will arrive at five thirty, so I should shoot for five.

"Desperate Housewives: Pretty Little Picture (#1.3)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: How could we have all forgotten about this?
Lynette Scavo: We didn't exactly forget. It's just that usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.
Bree: Lynette!
Lynette Scavo: I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

Susan Mayer: Lynette?
Lynette Scavo: I'm in.
Bree: I'll make braised lamb shanks.
Lynette Scavo: I'm still in.

Susan Mayer: You can afford a cabin, but you can't scrape up child support?
Karl Mayer: The check is in the mail.
Susan Mayer: Uh...
[checks mailbox]
Susan Mayer: No, it's not.

Karl Mayer: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan Mayer: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!
Karl Mayer: I don't want to go back to that ugly place, really, and if you do, I suggest you get some help.
Susan Mayer: You know what? I don't need an apology! I don't need anything from you!
Karl Mayer: You're humiliating yourself!
Susan Mayer: No, you're the one who's been humiliated, Karl. Why don't you see that? You walked out on your family! People think you're scum, not me! So worry about yourself! I'm okay with me!
[barefoot and wearing only a towel and talking to Karl whose in the car]
Susan Mayer: I can walk down the street and hold my head high!
[She accidentally gets her towel caught on the door as she slams it, and he drives off leaving Susan standing naked as she gasps]
Susan Mayer: Oh!
[Susan looks around, whimpers, and runs to her door with embarrassment and it's locked]
Susan Mayer: Oh!
[Susan hides behind the porch's support beam embarrassed]

Mary Alice Young: [narrating voice over] As the sun slowly settled on Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house.
[Susan holds the plant in front of her naked body and sidesteps her way down the steps and toward the garden shed on the left side of the house which is also locked. She tiptoes to the window and tries to open it, but it's stuck. She puts the plant down and uses two hands to open it, but slips and falls on her back into her shrubs]
Mary Alice Young: [narrating voice over] Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan that this could be the most humiliating moment of her life.
[Mike walks by and notices her naked in the shrubs]
Mike Delfino: Susan?
Mary Alice Young: [narrating voice over] She was wrong.
Mike Delfino: [averting his eyes and grinning] Uh...whatcha' doing?
Susan Mayer: Locked myself out...naked.
Mike Delfino: Oh.
Susan Mayer: And then I fell.
[crosses her legs]
Susan Mayer: So how are you?
Mike Delfino: Good, good. I just got back. I've been gone all day, and I got your message about dinner, and, um, I would love to come if the invite still stands.
Susan Mayer: It's a date.
Mike Delfino: Alright, I um, assume the dress is, uh, casual.
Susan Mayer: Yeah, it''s casual.
[Mike nods, grinning as he walks off. Susan squeals and covers herself with the plants]

Susan Mayer: Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it's gonna be hard to replace that screen?
Mike Delfino: Well that depends. If you nail it in yourself, you might wanna wear gloves. Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt.
Susan Mayer: Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory, but I am nowhere near ready to laugh about it. So, please, no jokes.
Bree: [opens the front door] Hey, where have you two been?
Mike Delfino: Um, Susan had a problem finding something to wear
[stifles his laughter]
Mike Delfino: . Oh, was that the kinda thing you meant?
Susan Mayer: Pretty much.

Susan Mayer: Listen, Mike, about the whole 'seeing me naked' thing. I, I just want to thank you for being such a perfect gentleman.
Mike Delfino: Oh, I wasn't a perfect gentleman, I might have snuck a peek.
Susan Mayer: Oh, goodnight!
Mike Delfino: And for what it's worth, wow.

"Desperate Housewives: Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else (#5.3)" (2008)
Susan Meyer: [about Juanita] She could take down a small deer.

Gabrielle Solis: Are you saying Juanita is fat for her age?
Susan Meyer: Gaby, Juanita is fat for your age.

Gabrielle Solis: Look at my life, Susan. I've been beaten down.
Susan Meyer: Well, I thought I had you beaten today and the next thing I knew, I was eating grass.
Gabrielle Solis: Today doesn't count. Today I was mad.
Susan Meyer: Maybe you need to get mad more often.

Gabrielle Solis: [to Susan] You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you?
Susan Meyer: I brought booze.
Gabrielle Solis: Come on in.

"Desperate Housewives: Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know (#5.19)" (2009)
Susan Mayer: [to Edie] Don't worry Edie, you're gonna be just fine.

Gabrielle Solis: Ok my hour's up someone else hold Edie now.
Lynette Scavo: I'll take her!
[Gabby hands Lynette the urn and after a few second of holding it Lynette opens the it]
Lynette Scavo: kinda looks like cat litter.
Susan Mayer: Lynette! Don't look at Edie...
Lynette Scavo: Or what I'll turn to stone? She's all rough and gritty...
Bree Van De Kamp: Uh Gabby... before we learn what Edie tastes like.
Gabrielle Solis: I got it...
Bree Van De Kamp: I think a little more reverence for the dead is in order.
Lynette Scavo: Oh please we're talking about Edie. A little more irreverence is what we need.

Susan Mayer: What do you mean 'you two' were the hottest chicks on the lane?
Lynette Scavo: She called me a 'baby factory'?
Karen McCluskey: Yeah Gabby in hindsight maybe you shouldn't have told that part of the story
Gabrielle Solis: Oh pfft!

"Desperate Housewives: Bang (#3.7)" (2006)
Susan Mayer: [using speakerphone] "Release Julie and I will take her place. I repeat, release Julie. I will be a model hostage... "
Julie Mayer: [sighs]

Julie Mayer: You know I wouldn't steal!
Susan Mayer: I'd like to believe you, but drinking beer? Bringing home boys?
Austin Britt: And next thing you know she'll be listening to that rock music everyone's talking about.

Susan Mayer: Hey, is that the new neighbor?
Gabrielle Solis: He's cute!
Lynette Scavo: Edie said he's a bachelor.
Gabrielle Solis: Keep talking.
Lynette Scavo: Who lives with his invalid sister.
Gabrielle Solis: You can stop now.

"Desperate Housewives: Running to Stand Still (#1.6)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: Hey Paul
Paul Young: Hi Susan
Susan Mayer: I got to say, I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice's award for sale. She got it for doing charity work, from the Chamber of Commerce.
Paul Young: Zach and I are moving. We don't need to carry any more with us than is absolutely necessary.
Susan Mayer: That makes sense. Still, I just want to make sure you didnt want to keep it, for Zach, something to remember his mother by.
Paul Young: Zach doesn't need a piece of glass to remember his mother. I'm out of newspaper. Here, let's call it ten bucks for everything.
Susan Mayer: Great. Speaking of Zach, I haven't seen him around lately.
Paul Young: He's been a bit depressed. I thought he could use a change of scenery, so I sent him to stay with relatives.
Susan Mayer: Oh, which ones?
Paul Young: You don't know them.
Susan Mayer: So, how'd you get the fat lip?
Paul Young: The usual way. Asking too many questions.

Gabrielle Solis: Did you find out where Zach is?
Susan Mayer: No, but I can tell you this much. He's not staying with relatives.

Lynette Scavo: I'm not surprised that he's playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we're on to him.
Bree Van De Kamp: Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?
Susan Mayer: No. That's why we have to find him. It's the only way we'll know the truth.
Bree Van De Kamp: It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible.
Gabrielle Solis: Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way.

"Desperate Housewives: Rose's Turn (#5.20)" (2009)
Mike Delfino: Why are you mopping the roof?
Susan Mayer: I was cooking, alright?
Mike Delfino: Lids Susan. You really gotta start using lids.
Susan Mayer: Sometimes it's the stoves fault.

Susan Mayer: [Susan thinks that Dave is suicidal] I will be back after work, to check on you. But until then here's the phone, in case you wanna order chinese, or call a hotline or something.

"Desperate Housewives: What Would We Do Without You? (#3.22)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: Getting married is scary, but at least we'll be doing it together.
Gabrielle Solis: Oh my God! We should totally do that!
Susan Mayer: What?
Gabrielle Solis: Get married! Together!
Susan Mayer: You and me? Well... I'm beyond flattered. I find you to be an incredibly attractive woman. I just...
Gabrielle Solis: No, stupid! I mean a double wedding!
Susan Mayer: Oh... Oh! I would love that!
Gabrielle Solis: I know! Then you wouldn't be mad, and I wouldn't feel guilty.
Susan Mayer: And we could be brides together!
Gabrielle Solis: Together! Let's celebrate! More chocolate! And, just you know, if I was a lesbian, I'd totally do you.
Susan Mayer: That's good to know.

Susan Mayer: Marriage is like these bonbons. You never know what you're getting until you're right in the middle of it.
[Susan breaks open one bonbon chocolate]
Susan Mayer: [gasps] It's one of those hard jelly ones. Do you think that's an omen?

"Desperate Housewives: A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. (#5.18)" (2009)
Susan Mayer: Karl. What are you doing here?
Karl Mayer: Well I just enrolled Evan.
Susan Mayer: Wow. and I was worried that we'd be out of each others lives forever... lucky lucky.
Karl Mayer: What are you doing here?
Susan Mayer: I am an art teacher.
Karl Mayer: Really? Do they know that?
Susan Mayer: And now I'm ignoring you and moving on to Evan. Hello Evan.
Karl Mayer: Evan, this is Susan. She's your sister Julie's mother, we used to be married. She was a lot younger then.
Susan Mayer: Evan, why don't you head into the classroom? I need to talk to your daddy and I may need to use some grown up words.
Karl Mayer: Ok Susie Q, what's wrong? Get it off that chest you wouldn't let me enhance.
Susan Mayer: Listen it's bad enough that I have one husband running around the halls. I don't need the faculty and the parents knowing that I have two. So not a word about us having been married. No more wise cracks. No Susie Q's. I am Miss Susan. Art teacher.
[starts to walk off into the classroom]
Karl Mayer: Yes Miss Susan. Can I bang your erasers after class?
Susan Mayer: [steps out of the classroom and glares at Karl] Karl I'm serious don't mess with me. I have a yard stick and I'm not afraid to use it.

Karl Mayer: You called me down here for this? It's a kid playing with a soccer ball.
Susan Mayer: It's a head and he's stabbing someone with a sword.
Karl Mayer: Well maybe it was in self defence!
Principal Hobson: Mr Mayer, generally when kids exhibit this type of behaviour, there's a problem
[phone rings]
Principal Hobson: excuse me.
[looks at phone]
Principal Hobson: I have to take this, sorry.
[walks out of the room talking on the phone]
Karl Mayer: Thanks for ratting out my kid on his first day!
Susan Mayer: It's not my fault. I showed this to the school pyschologist, she gave it to the Principal. My hands are tied!
Karl Mayer: So right away it's Evan's fault? Did you ever consider that he didn't understand the assignment?
Susan Mayer: I told the class to draw what made them happy! All the other kids drew kittens and rainbows! Your son drew small intestines on the end of a stick!
Karl Mayer: Let's cut to what this is really about. You hate me! And you don't want my son in your class!
Susan Mayer: That is not true!
Karl Mayer: It is to! You're still punishing me for what happened between us! you're still stuck in the past blaming me for your screwed up life!
Susan Mayer: Ok well someone call Guineus because you just set the world record for the biggest load of crap in one sentence!
Karl Mayer: Oh bite me!
Principal Hobson: [walks back in the room] How long was I gone?
[stares from Karl to Susan]
Susan Mayer: Uh this is nothing Mr Hobson. We're just having a difference of opinion.
Karl Mayer: Yeah. And my opinion is your teacher doesn't understand the difference between emotional problems and creativity!
Susan Mayer: Shut up Karl!
Principal Hobson: [to Susan] Excuse me. Did you just tell him to 'shut up'?
Karl Mayer: You know this is typical
[gestures with hand]
Karl Mayer: "Susan" behaviour and you wonder why no man can stay with you!
Susan Mayer: [throws paint in Karl's face as Principal Hobson looks on shocked]
[to Principal Hobson]
Susan Mayer: Would this seem any less shocking if I told you we were once married for twelve years?

"Desperate Housewives: Could I Leave You? (#2.17)" (2006)
Dr. Ron McCreadie: You committed insurance fraud?
Susan: Only in a legal sense.

Susan: I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me.
Karl: Now why would I do that?
Susan: Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life.
Karl: I'll bring the wine.

"Desperate Housewives: Guilty (#1.8)" (2004)
Julie: Mom, if you really need something to freak out about, just remember that you're going to spend the night with Mike in a hotel. No man has seen you naked in years, except your doctor.
Susan: And he retired. I try not to take that personally.

Lynette Scavo: I love my kids so much. I'm so sorry they have me as a mother.
Bree Van De Kamp: Lynette, you are a great mother.
Lynette Scavo: No, I'm not. I can't do it. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. It's so humiliating.
Susan: No, it's not. So you got addicted to your kids' ADD medication. It happens.
Bree Van De Kamp: You've got four kids. That's a lot of stress. Honey, you just need some help.
Lynette Scavo: That's what makes it so humiliating. Other moms don't need help. Other moms make it look so easy. All I do is complain.
Susan: That's not true. When - when Julie was a baby, I - I was out of my mind almost every day.
Bree Van De Kamp: I used to get so upset when Andrew and Danielle were little, I used their nap times to cry.
Lynette Scavo: [sniffs] Why didn't you ever tell me this?
Bree Van De Kamp: [whispers] Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit that they can't handle the pressure.
Susan: I think it's just like we think, you know, it's easier to keep it all in.
Lynette Scavo: Oh, we shouldn't. We should tell each other this stuff.
Susan: It helps, huh?
Lynette Scavo: Yeah. It really
Lynette Scavo: does.
[continues sobbing]

"Desperate Housewives: Home Is the Place (#5.11)" (2009)
Susan: I need a man in my life!
Lee McDermott: Why? We're so useless.

Susan: I need a man in my life!
Bob Hunter: Why? We're so useless.

"Desperate Housewives: Mother Said (#4.15)" (2008)
Mike Delfino: You're doing great honey, just keep breathing. How close are the contractions?
Susan: A few weeks apart... wanna go to the movies?
Mike Delfino: What?
Susan: I'm not in labour, ok?
Mike Delfino: But y-your water broke. I saw it!
Susan: It was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon wedge.

"Desperate Housewives: Remember Paul? (#7.1)" (2010)
Susan Delfino: So Renee, you have to tell us, what was Lynette like in college?
Renee Perry: Absolutely fearless. She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumours be damned.
Lynette Scavo: Yes, Renee was always the one with the fashion sense. Before I met her, I'd never even heard of Gucci or Prada or Chlamydia.

"Desperate Housewives: Me and My Town (#5.9)" (2008)
Susan Mayer: [spits out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii.

"Desperate Housewives: Suspicious Minds (#1.9)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: Gabrielle, he's in high school, and it's illegal and you're married. If Carlos found out, this would kill him.
Gabrielle Solis: It's just sex.
Gabrielle Solis: It's totally harmless.
Susan Mayer: How could you call something like this harmless? After everything you know about what I went through with Carl?
Gabrielle Solis: This isn't about you.
Susan Mayer: Yes, it is. It's about me, and about every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved.
Gabrielle Solis: Ugh.
Susan Mayer: When Carl ran off with Brandi, you saw what a basket case I was. I was crying, I - I was tearing up his clothes, I couldn't get out of bed all day. You were right there. How could you do the same thing?
Gabrielle Solis: Uh, how can you compare me to Carl? That's not fair. You have *no* idea what my life is like.
Susan Mayer: Well, why don't you enlighten me? You are beautiful, you have more money than you can spend, and you have a husband who adores you.
Gabrielle Solis: No, he doesn't adore me. He adores *having* me.
Susan Mayer: That's a rationalization, and you know it.

"Desperate Housewives: Everybody Says Don't (#2.18)" (2006)
Susan: I was married to Karl, and I used to try to surprise him, and he would always, always, always say 'No, Susan. Don't surprise me. I don't like it.
Edie: Whatever. I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and buy a wedding dress. Oh, and by the way, I'll be wearing white, so that'll be a surprise for everybody.

"Desperate Housewives: Nice She Ain't (#3.5)" (2006)
Susan: How do you sleep at night?
Edie: Soon... with Mike on top of me.

"Desperate Housewives: Getting Married Today (#3.23)" (2007)
Susan: My idea of the perfect wedding keeps changing. One day I want white roses and then I want lilies... only one thing stays constant - and I'm looking at him. Why would I need anything else to make my wedding perfect?

"Desperate Housewives: Dress Big (#3.17)" (2007)
Dahlia Hainsworth: If you want your marriage to last, when your husband strays, you extract some suitable penance and get on with it. Punish the sin, but love the sinner.
Susan: Yeah, well, with Karl I was more, "Divorce the ass and seize the assets.

"Desperate Housewives: Art Isn't Easy (#4.5)" (2007)
Susan Delfino: Okay, before we become an ugly mob, why doesn't one of us go talk to the guys? But not me, they hate me.
Karen McCluskey: Bree, you talk to them, you can relate to them.
Bree Hodge: Why would you say that?
Karen McCluskey: You've got a kid that came flying out of the closet and a husband that had been looking for the door knob.

"Desperate Housewives: Now You Know (#4.1)" (2007)
Susan Delfino: OK, before we go any further, can I check these diplomas? Just to make sure they aren't, like, from some med school in the Philippines?

"Desperate Housewives: God, That's Good (#3.19)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: Did I mention that Maggie is an amazing chef? We're embarrassed to be cooking for her.
Maggie Gilroy: Stop. So, um, Mike, do you have a favorite type of cuisine?
Mike Delfino: Nah. After three months of prison food, everything tastes good to me.
Maggie Gilroy: So you were in prison?
Susan Mayer: He was totally innocent.
Mike Delfino: Yeah, a woman was bludgeoned to death, and her blood wound up on my wrench.
Maggie Gilroy: Oh, my god.
Susan Mayer: But he was cleared. All charges dropped. Here. Eat this.
[She shoves an hors d'oeuvre into his mouth]
Maggie Gilroy: It's just so awful. I mean, to go to jail for a crime you didn't commit.
Mike Delfino: Oh, it was just a few months. Now my first stretch for manslaughter... that was brutal.

"Desperate Housewives: Mama Spent Money When She Had None (#5.14)" (2009)
[Susan swipes Katherine's pearls to pay MJ's tuition, and Katherine chases her into the street wearing only a towel]
Katherine Mayfair: Susan Mayer for God's sake, give me back my pearls.
Susan Mayer: [Susan grabs hold of the towel] Pearls or towel, you decide.
Katherine Mayfair: You wouldn't dare!
Susan Mayer: I have been naked once on this street. It would be nice to take the heat off that story.
Katherine Mayfair: Have you lost your mind?
Susan Mayer: Mike said he can't afford to pay for MJ's private school, now I know why! He wants to see his girlfriend wearing pearls when she flashes him!
Katherine Mayfair: He wouldn't pay for MJ's school?
Susan Mayer: No. So, I was gonna take these and sell them to try to pay for it and now that I'm saying it out loud, I hear how stupid that sounds.
Katherine Mayfair: I can't believe Mike would do that.
Susan Mayer: Well... he did.
[They hear someone fall]
Parker Scavo: [Smiling, waves to them] Hey Mrs. Mayfair, it's nice to see you.
[she adjusts her towel]

"Desperate Housewives: Come in, Stranger (#1.5)" (2004)
Susan Mayer: A guy just smiles at me three times and I'm picking out wedding china. I'm a mess.
Lynette Scavo: But to be fair, that's part of your charm.

"Desperate Housewives: Gossip (#3.20)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: Oh, that's right she babysat your kids.
Lynette Scavo: Oh, please I don't wanna think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean geez, if you wanna keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer.
Susan Mayer: Do you think she actually killed him?
Gabrielle Solis: Uh, yeah. Why else would she have hid the body?
Lynette Scavo: Well so far all they've charged her with is improper disposal of a corpse.
Gabrielle Solis: Once they defrost the body and do an autopsy, i guarentee you their gonna find a belly full of arsenic!
Parker Scavo: What's arsenic?
Lynette Scavo: It's just, it's something yucky. Go and play!

"Desperate Housewives: It Wasn't Meant to Happen (#2.20)" (2006)
Lynette: Karl broke up with Edie.
Susan: Oh my God!
Bree: Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone.
Susan: Really? Did he say who it is?
Edie: I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!
Bree: [Pause] No, he did not say.

"Desperate Housewives: Lovely (#6.15)" (2010)
Susan Mayer: Oh don't cry, why you crying? Strippers are supposed to be tough.
Robin Gallagher: Stop calling me that. Yes, I was a stripper. But you know what? You were the only person who never treated me like one, until now.
Susan Mayer: Oh.
Robin Gallagher: And I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with Mike. You know I guess after working nine years in the club I just don't know where the line is anymore.

"Desperate Housewives: Next (#2.1)" (2005)
Bree: I cannot afford to break down right now.
Susan: Why not?
Bree: [Rex's mother pulls up] You'll see why in a moment.

"Desperate Housewives: There Is No Other Way (#2.16)" (2006)
Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Time to check your blood pressure.
Susan: Oh, sure. Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?
Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Yes.
Susan: Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful.
Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside.

"Desperate Housewives: Liaisons (#3.18)" (2007)
Edie Britt: No man respects an easy conquest. I make all my men wait.
Susan Mayer: It's true, she has a little room with magazines and an aquarium.
Edie Britt: I have so missed our friendship.

"Desperate Housewives: Move On (#1.11)" (2005)
Susan Mayer: [singing "New York, New York" to live piano accompaniment after just learning from neighbor Edie that she had had an indiscretion with Carl, her ex] Start spreading the news, I'm leavin' today. I wanna be a part of it, New York, New York. These vagabond shoes...
[whispers in the mike to Carl]
Susan Mayer: You're an ass, you know that?
[piano stops]
Susan Mayer: No, keep playing.
[resumes singing]
Susan Mayer: Are longing to stray.
Susan Mayer: There's a word you know, right?
Susan Mayer: And get around the heart of it, New York, New York. I wanna...
Susan Mayer: just tell you that the affair was one thing. I mean, I forgave you because on some small level, I thought you were in love with her, and now I find out that you were just groping people at parties.
Susan Mayer: Top of the heap.
Susan Mayer: Karl, don't you turn away from me. Look at me! You know, what else were you doing during our marriage? How many other women were you sticking it to? As God is my witness, it will snow on the hills of hell before I ever feel sorry for you again!
[awkward silence in the bar; finishes song]
Susan Mayer: New York!
[piano fluorish]

"Desperate Housewives: You're Gonna Love Tomorrow (#5.1)" (2008)
Edie Britt: I have a husband now.
Susan: Really? Whose?

"Desperate Housewives: The Story of Lucy and Jessie (#5.17)" (2009)
Gabrielle Solis: Susan, if you're not sure what Jessie ment by it, why don't you just talk to her?
Susan Mayer: Oh, that would be way to awkward. She's my boss.
Lynette Scavo: She's your boss? Let her kiss you again and then sue her!
Gabrielle Solis: Okay, we're going to figure this out for you. Were her eyes open or shut?
Susan Mayer: I don't know.
Gabrielle Solis: Well, how many seconds did the kiss last?
Susan Mayer: I don't remember.
Gabrielle Solis: [frustrated] Oh, for God's sake, was it this?
[Gabrielle quickly smooches Susan on her lips]
Gabrielle Solis: Or was it this?
[Gabrielle kisses Susan passionately for about three seconds]
Susan Mayer: Uh... the second one.
Lynette Scavo: Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian.
Lee McDermott: [snickers] See you at the parade.

"Desperate Housewives: Where Do I Belong? (#7.12)" (2011)
Beth Young: Where would I get a gun?
Susan Delfino: Oh... I don't know. How about the one you pointed at me on Halloween night?
Gabrielle Solis: [to Susan] You never told us that.
Beth Young: You mean the night you broke into my house and tried to kill my husband with a club... being the natural-born lunatic that you are?
Bree Van De Kamp: [to Susan] You never told us that either.
Susan Delfino: [sheepish] Am I not allowed to have a private life?

"Desperate Housewives: The Game (#4.3)" (2007)
Susan Mayer: When our babies go to college, we'll be like...
Bree Van De Kamp: Dead?