Chester 'Chazz' Darvey
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Quotes for
Chester 'Chazz' Darvey (Character)
from Airheads (1994)

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Airheads (1994)
Rex: We're gonna take the cops up on those demands they wanted.
Pip: We got a killer list goin'.
Rex: Yeah, check it out. We ask for airplay and whatever else we want, then we demand a whole bunch of weird stuff. This way we can plead insanity later.
Chazz: Where'd this come from?
Rex: Pip's idea.
Chazz: Way to go, Pip.

[Chazz and Rex are testing Chris]
Chazz: Who'd win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?
Chris Moore: Lemmy.
[Rex imitates a game show buzzer]
Chris Moore: ... God?
Rex: Wrong, dickhead, trick question. Lemmy *IS* God.

Chazz: We got to send one person out.
Pip: I'll go.
Rex: One of the hostages, doof.

Pip: This is never gonna work.
Chazz: Pip, damn it, what is your problem?
Pip: You remember that guy Doper Greg? Remember that guy, man? He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's face and try to make the thing watch cartoons with him all the time.
Rex: So what? Will you shut up?
Chazz: Just get to the point? What?
Pip: Well, he won this radio giveaway, and when he went down to the station, they wouldn't let him in the building. It was, like, this total security building. They slid his tickets through this litle slot with, like, salad tong things.
Chazz: Oh, so just because that anus couldn't get in, does that mean that we can't?
Rex: Anybody gives us any static, I shove this in their face.
Pip: [Rex holds up his plastic gun and fires it at Pip and Chazz, laughing] Ahhh.
Pip: Yeah, but remember that fat kid on "Hard Copy" with a toy gun. The cops zapped him with a taser until he went bald.
Rex: And then he sued them for a million bucks when his pubes didn't grow in.
Pip: Still got no hair on his balls, man.

[their first attempt at opening the back door fails]
Pip: Oh, man! We almost got in. That's too bad. Let's get goin'.
Rex: Hey, Pip, you backstabber, what, are you quittin' out on us?
Pip: What? The door's locked!
Rex: Aw, man, you're such a flake. You don't even care about this band, do you? You run around in your apartment all day in your fudgies.
Pip: That's not true.
Rex: It is, too. I always got to tell you to put pants on when somebody comes over.
Pip: [yelling] He's making this up.
Chazz: [yelling] Will you both shut up? Please, OK? You're brothers, all right. C'mon, man, we ain't locked out yet. Stay here, Pip.
[Rex slaps Pip]
Pip: [loudly] Ahh, you got a big mouth, man.
Rex: Hey, Pip...
[gives Pip the finger]

Chazz: Yvonne, get your shit and go. You'll be home in time for The Simpsons.

Chazz: For all you care, our record could be Pip farting on a snare drum.
Pip: I ain't fartin' on no snare drum.

Chazz: Okay, lemme ask you a question: who's side did you take in the big David Lee Roth-Van Halen split?
Chris Moore: What?
Marcus: What kind of question is that?
Chazz: Who's side did you take: Halen or Roth?
Chris Moore: ...Van Halen
Ian: HE'S A COP!

Chazz: Do you know what it's like to be on the bill and to play for 15 minutes and the only people there to see you are the other bands and their girlfriends? Don't talk to me about Rock 'n' Roll! I'm out there in the clubs and on the streets and I'm living it!
Chazz: I am Rock 'n' Roll!

Chazz: [yelling at Kayla] You are acting like a fucking Spazz!

Ian: You're on the air!
Butt-head: [on phone] Whoa! Am I on the air?
Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, give me the phone.
Ian: [to Beavis and Butt-head] What? Am I speaking English, what did I just say dipshit?
Chazz: So, what do you guys want?
Butt-head: You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right?
Chazz: Yes.
Butt-head: We saw you guys at The Wheel Well last month. You suck!
Rex: Hey, come down here and say that, you punks!
Chazz: Yeah, well, you can kiss my ass.
Butt-head: Why don't you make the chicks get naked?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Naked!

[Chazz's tape, which Kayla had dropped in the middle of the road earlier, is now in bad shape]
Chazz: Oh, whoa. What happened to this?
Kayla: It fell off the nightstand.
Chazz: [as he grabs the tape and looks at it] What did you do to my tape? Can we even play this?
Rex: I don't know, maybe if I clean it up and re-spool it. Christ!
Kayla: I came all the way down here just to bring that stupid tape.
Rex: Yeah, and you took real good care of it, didn't you, Yoko?

[the demo is briefly played on the air, but it's not played properly]
Chazz: Hey, what the did you do with it?
Ian: What did I do with it? Hey, I didn't do anything. Tonto must have loaded the tape in wrong.
Pip: Hey, your machine dilapidated it, man.
[suddenly, the demo is ruined by catching a fire]

Chazz: [Carl has grabbed Kayla and is trying to humiliate Chazz in front of the entire Audience by calling him "Chester"] Hey, you stay out of this and get your hands off her!
Kayla: Why did he call you that?
Carl Mace: There's a lot that Chester didn't tell you about, right, Chester?
Rex: What's he talking about Chazz?
Chazz: Um... Kayla, I...
Chazz: It's... uh, he's... awww shit. Kayla, there's something I gotta tell ya. Um... I was a geek in high school. I had really short hair, I played "Dungeons and Dragons", I had a bug collection, I ate my Boogers. My name's not Chazz... it's Chester, and I understand if You don't love me, anymore.
D & D Rocker: I played D & D, too!
School Newspaper Rocker: I was editor of the school magazine!
Corduroy Rocker: I used to wear corduroy pants!
Masturbating Rocker: I used to masturbate... constantly!
[His two friends start hitting him]

Chazz: I'm average and screwed up enough that I might just write a song that will live forever. And then it's all going to be worth it.