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: Why not me? Why not? A guy can get anything he wants as long as he pays the price. What's wrong with that? Stranger things have happened.
: I know, Jerry, that you are as human as the rest of us, if not more so.
: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce myself. My name is Rupert Pupkin. I was born in Clifton, New Jersey... which was not at that time a federal offense. Is there anyone here from Clifton? Oh, good. We can all relax now. I'd like to begin by saying... my parents were too poor to afford me a childhood. But the fact is that... no one is allowed to be too poor in Clifton. Once you fall below a certain level... they exile you to Passaic. My parents did put the first two down payments on my childhood. Don't get me wrong, but they did also return me to the hospital as defective. But, like everyone else I grew up in large part thanks to my mother. If she were only here today... I'd say, "Hey, ma, what are you doing here? You've been dead for nine years!" But seriously, you should've seen my mother. She was wonderful. Blonde, beautiful, intelligent, alcoholic. We used to drink milk together after school. Mine was homogenized. Hers was loaded. Once they picked her up for speeding. They clocked her doing 55. All right, but in our garage? And when they tested her... they found out that her alcohol had 2% blood. Ah, but we used to joke together, mom and me... until the tears would stroll down her face... and she would throw up! Yeah, and who would clean it up? Not dad. He was too busy down at O'Grady's... throwing up on his own. Yeah. In fact, until I was 13 I thought throwing up was a sign of maturity. While the other kids were off in the woods sneaking cigarettes... I was hiding behind the house with my fingers down my throat. The only problem was I never got anywhere... until one day my father caught me. Just as he was giving me a final kick in the stomach for luck... I managed to heave all over his new shoes! "That's it", I thought. "I've made it. I'm finally a man!" But as it turned out, I was wrong. That was the only attention my father ever gave me. Yeah, he was usually too busy out in the park playing ball with my sister Rose. But today, I must say thanks to those many hours of practice my sister Rose has grown into a fine man. Me, I wasn't especially interested in athletics. The only exercise I ever got was when the other kids picked on me. Yeah, they used to beat me up once a week... usually Tuesday. And after a while the school worked it into the curriculum. And if you knocked me out, you got extra credit. There was this one kid, poor kid... he was afraid of me. I used to tell him..."Hit me, hit me. What's the matter with you? Don't you want to graduate?" Hey, I was the youngest kid in the history of the school to graduate in traction. But, you know, my only real interest right from the beginning, was show business. Even as a young man, I began at the very top collecting autographs. Now, a lot of you are probably wondering... why Jerry isn't with us tonight. Well, I'll tell you. The fact is he's tied up. I'm the one who tied him. Well, I know you think I'm joking... but, believe me, that's the only way... I could break into show business... by hijacking Jerry Langford. Right now, Jerry is strapped to a chair... somewhere in the middle of the city. Go ahead, laugh. Thank you. I appreciate it. But the fact is, I'm here. Now, tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding... and you'll think I was crazy. But, look, I figure it this way. Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime. Thank you. Thank you.
: Is Mr. Langford expecting you? Rupert Pupkin
: Yes, I don't think he is.
: Well I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Jerry Langford
: So did Hitler.
: Rupert? What are you doing down there? Rupert Pupkin
: I'm gonna work 50 times harder, and I'm gonna be 50 times more famous than you. Jerry Langford
: Then you're gonna have idiots like you plaguing your life!
: [arguing with Masha
] What about things that I did for you that no money can buy, no money can buy? What about the time I gave you my spot! You came over there, I gave you my spot! You stood there and I let you get right next to Jerry. I waited for 8 hours for him and you went right next to him cause you were crying to me cause you wanted to get next to Jerry and you got next to him. And what about the time I gave you my last album of the Best of Jerry, what about that? It wasn't anybody else it was me and I didn't even ask you for money and I can't even pay my rent! What are talking about? I live in a hovel! And you live in a townhouse! I can't believe this girl!
: The more scribbled the name, the bigger the fame.
: Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.
: Alright, look pal, I gotta tell you... this is a crazy business, but it's not unlike any other business. There are ground rules, and you don't just walk on to a network show without experience. Now I know it's an old, hackneyed expression, but it happens to be the truth. You've got to start at the bottom. Rupert Pupkin
: I know. That's where I am, at the bottom. Jerry Langford
: Well, that's the perfect place to start. Rupert Pupkin
: I know that, but I'm not say... there's gotta be... Jerry Langford
: It looks so simple to the viewer at home, those things that come so easily, that are so relaxed, and looks like it's a matter of just taking another breath. It takes years and years and years of honing that.
: [Jerry is trying to throw Rupert out of his home, Rupert is trying to get Jerry to see his comedy material
] Alright, alright! I can take a hint, Jerry! I just wanna ask you to listen to my stuff for 15 minutes, that's all! Is that asking too much? Jerry Langford
: Yes, it is. I have a life, OK? Rupert Pupkin
: Well, I have a life too. Jerry Langford
] That's not my responsibility! Rupert Pupkin
: Well, it is when you tell me to call you and then you don't take my call? Jerry Langford
] I told you to call to get rid of ya! Rupert Pupkin
: To get rid of me? Jerry Langford
: That's right! Rupert Pupkin
: OK, all right. I can take a hint. Jerry Langford
: If I didn't tell you that, we'd still be standing on the steps at my apartment! Rupert Pupkin
: Yeah, alright! So I made a mistake! Jerry Langford
: So did Hitler!