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: Swear to God, sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Michele
: Do you want to try to have sex sometime just to see if we are? Romy
: What? Yeah, right, Michelle. Just the idea of having sex with another woman creeps me out. But if we're not married by the time we're 30, ask me again. Michele
: So, Mi-chelle! What are you up to? Michele
: Oh, okay. Um, I invented Post-Its. Christie
: No offense, Michele, but how in the world did *you* think of Post-Its? Michele
[looks across the room at Romy talking to Billy Christianson
: And I thought of them completely by myself. I mean, all Michele did was say: "What about making them yellow?" Michele
: [turns to the A Group
] Actually I invented a special kind of glue. Christie
: Oh really? Well then I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving us a detailed account of exactly how you concocted this miracle glue, would you? Michele
: No. Um, well, ordinarily when you make glue first you need to thermoset your resin and then after it cools you have to mix in an epoxide, which is really just a fancy-schmancy name for any simple oxygenated adhesive, right? And then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process and it turns out I was right.
: Thanks a lot Romy. Romy
: What? Christie
: Thanks for stealing my boyfriend! Romy
: What are you talking about? Christie
: Billy just broke up with me. Apparently he's had a crush on you since Mr. Roswell's class and now that he knows that you like him, he doesn't want to pretend with me anymore. My life was perfect and you ruined it! Oh! Romy
: I swear to God Christy, I didn't even think he'd dance with me! Michele
: Wow, she is really P.O.'d. This is so cool! Romy
: I know. It's like I had this dream where Billy was like in love with me, and he was in a wheelchair, but still, it's like it's coming true!
: For me, it's like I've just given birth to my own baby girl, except she's like a big giant girl who smokes and says "shit" a lot. You know?
: I'm the Mary, and you're the Rhoda. Romy
: YOU'RE the Rhoda, you're the Jewish one.
: This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy. Michele
: OK, I don't even know what you're talking about cause of those words, but come here.
: Did you lose weight? Romy
: Actually, I have been trying this new fat free diet I invented. All I've had to eat for the past six days are gummy bears, jelly beans, and candy corns. Michele
: God, I wish I had your discipline.
: Oh my God, you did it! Romy
: Yeah, I did. Michele
: What did you have to do? Romy
: I had to give everyone in the service department hand jobs. Michele
: Well, while you were doing that, I made us a tape of all the nostalgic songs from high school to get us in the mood. Romy
: Michele? Michele
: What? Romy
: Do you really think I would do that? For a car? Just get in. Michele
: You look so good with blond hair and black roots its like not even funny.
: You have absolutely no proof that you're cuter. Michele
: Oh, proof. You want proof? Ok, fine. Who lost their virginity first? Romy
: Oh, big wow, with your cousin Barry. I wouldn't brag about it.
: Remember the prom? You got so thin by then. Romy
: Oh, I know. I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.
: You know, even though we've watched Pretty Woman like thirty-six times, I never get tired of making fun of it.
: You know, even though I had to wear that stupid back brace and you were kind of fat, we were still totally cutting edge.
: I've been killing myself for eight days and I gained a pound. Michele
: That's impossible. Did you deduct sixteen pounds for your shoes?
: Wanna get a room? Romy
: But you're married! Billy Christiansen
: To Christie! Romy
: Yeah, but you have children, and you're a successful real estate developer. Billy Christiansen
: I do dry wall for her old man's construction company, and you know this new kid, don't even know if he's mine! So, how about that room? Romy
: Okay. Why don't you get that room? Why don't you wash your face and take off all your clothes? And, I'll be there in five minutes. Billy Christiansen
: All right! Your fantasy is going to come true tonight. See you later! Michele
: Bye. Romy
: Now he's going to see what it feels like to wait. Michele
: Such a good one.
: Michele? Now that I'm looking at this, our lives don't seem as impressive as I thought. Michele
: They don't? Romy
: Well, do you think it's impressive that we're still single, and we've been living together for ten years, and I'm a cashier and you're unemployed? Michele
: Not super-impressive. Romy
: Then, what's the point of going if we're not going to impress people?
: I don't believe it! Christie
: What? Cheryl
: THAT! Kelly
: They're back! Christie
: Nice outfits. Post-it's must be really lucrative! Michele
: Romy, are you sure you wanna do this? Romy
: Oh yeah, Michele. I am SO sure!
[they approach Christie, Cheryl, & Kelly
: What the hell is your problem, Christie? Why the hell are you always such a nasty bitch? I mean, okay, so Michele and I did make up some stupid lie! We only did it because we wanted you to treat us like human beings. But you know what I realized? I don't care if you like us, 'cause we don't like you. You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying fuck what you think!
[Cheryl and Kelly laugh sarcastically
: Come on Michele. Michele
: Okay, and... YEAH! Christie
: Unbelievable! They're as deluded about their lives as they are about those HIDEOUS clothes Lisa Luder
: Actually Christie. They have nice lines. A fun, frisky use of color. All and all, I'd have to say they're really... NOT BAD! Christie
: Well, WE still think they're ridiculous. Don't we girls? Lisa Luder
: Why don't you just let them think for themselves for once? Christie
: You're just jealous. Because unlike a certain ball-busting dried up career woman, I might mention, we're all HAPPILY MARRIED! Lisa Luder
: That's right, Christie. Keep telling yourself that.
[looking at yearbook pictures
: Oh my God! Remember what a big controversy it was for us to have our picture taken together? Michele
: Yeah, because Danny Weller like, lodged that complaint. Because alphabetically he was supposed to be between us. Romy
: So we said: "OK Danny. If you want to be between us, come to Michele's house on Friday night and we'll be waiting." Michele
: And then he showed up, and we were like: "Danny, it was a joke!" Romy
: And then we turned the sprinklers on him!
[both laugh hysterically
: Oh my God!
[abruptly stops laughing
: Didn't he die? Romy
: I think so.
[Romy whips Michele in the face with her hair
: Ow! That hurt! But it looked really good!
: The reunion is less than two weeks away. I just can't believe that you turned down a job! Michele
: Well, I thought the whole point of going to the reunion was to impress people. I mean, how am I gonna impress ANYBODY by selling ban-lon smocks at Bargain Mart?
[looking at yearbook pictures
: Well we definitely weren't in the A group, but you know, we weren't really in the B group either. Michele
: Oh my god! We weren't in the C group were we? Romy
: Oh god no, that was, like, all the losers and honor students, like Sandy Frink and Heather Mooney. Michele
: So, Romy, what group WERE we in? Romy
: Well, we weren't really in a group, we were more like loners. Oh look! There we are! Michele
: Yeah, and alone.
: Sandy Frink has a helicopter? Romy
: Yeah, apparently he's worth millions. He invented some kind of rubber. Michele
: Like for condoms?
: Hey Romy, remember Mrs. Divitz's class, there was like always a word problem. Like, there's a guy in a rowboat going X miles, and the current is going like, you know, some other miles, and how long does it take him to get to town? It's like, 'Who cares? Who wants to go to town with a guy who drives a rowboat?
: Wow, all that time you guys were making my life hell, the A group was doing the same thing to you! I had no idea! Michele
: You know? I bet in high school, everybody made somebody's life hell. Heather
: Nope, sorry, never had the opportunity. Michele
: I bet that's not true... Heather
: You think? Michele
: Oh, yeah, you were really unpleasant.
: Let's fold scarves!
[Michele is a at job interview
: Well, my first choice was to work at a boutique on Rodeo Drive, but this would be okay.
: [addressing Romy & Michele
] Just a reminder, girls - you have DETENTION after school today. Michele
: Yeah, we're really looking forward to it!
[Mr. Lish looks at them, stunned, then quickly withdraws
: Can you believe he just got married? Like how desperate is she?
: To me, fashion is just like... everything.
[looks at a customer looking into a mirror
: By the way... Hi! That blouse looks great on you! Irate Customer
: [looking pleased
] Thank you! Michele
: And see? I have this really believable way of telling people they look really good, even though I'm just, you know...
[does masturbating gesture
: . Irate Customer
: [looks embarrassed and leaves
] I think she heard me.
: [after Romy takes a half-eaten Dorito from her and puts it back in the bag
] Like that one chip is gonna make a difference... wasn't even a whole chip.
: [singing along to radio
] Cut loose! Footloose! Kick off your sunday shoes!
[they both trail off and look at each other
: I have no idea what the rest of the lyrics are...
: Do you have some sort of business woman special? Truck Stop Waitress
: Come again? Romy
: Well, were business women. Michele
: From LA. Romy
: And you know how some places have like a lunch special? Michele
: For business women... Truck Stop Waitress
: We don't have anything like that. Romy
: Ok we'll take 2 burgers, fries, and medium cokes cause were in a hurry. Michele
: We're due in Tucson later... some business thing, you know. Truck Stop Waitress
: What kind of business you all in?
[Romy and Michele give a long pause
: You paid a whole dollar for that?
: [looking around discount outlet disgustedly
] I'd like to go... away!
: All I ever wanted was for people to think that we were better than we were in high school. And now we're just a stupid joke, just like we always were. Michele
: Romy, can I tell you the truth? I never knew that we weren't that great in high school. I mean, we always had so much fun together... I thought high school was a blast! And until you told me that our lives weren't good enough, I thought everything *since* high school was a blast. I think we should go back out there as ourselves, and just have fun like we always do. The hell with everyone else! Romy
: I don't think I can. Michele
: Well, do you think you can stop being such a baby? God! I feel like I've been, like, chasing you all over this reunion. We have come all this way, now we are going to enjoy ourselves whether you like it or not! Romy
: God, Michele... I've never seen this side of your personality before. You're so bossy and domineering. I like it! Michele
] Me too!
: [On video phone in the future in Michelle's dream
] Billy, honey. Tell your mommy that Michelle Wienberger is on the phone. Romy
: No. Not Until you admit that I'm the Mary, and you're the Rhoda. Michele
: I'm the Mary! You're a pasty hag on your death bed!
: [explaining the pros and cons of Michele's new job
] You also get a 5% employee discount over and above our everyday low prices.
[proudly showing off garish tie
] Creepy Manager
: I got this tie for a dollar. Michele
] You paid a whole dollar for that?
: [explaing the pros and cons of the job
] You also get a 5% employee discount, over and above our everyday low prices.
[proudly shows off a gaudy tie
] Creepy Manager
: I got this tie for a dollar. Michele
: You paid a whole dollar for that?
: [he thinks they are hookers by how they are dressed
] Here, girls.
[he hands them a dollar for a soda
] Iowa Tourist
: I will pray for God to lead you to a better life. Michele Weinberger
: Thanks. Wow, people in LA are just so nice. Police Officer
: LAPD. You're under arrest.
[she pushes them up against the soda machines
] Police Officer
: Hands against the machines. Michele Weinberger
: Under arrest for what? Police Officer
: Solicitation. Romy White
: What? We even haven't had sex... in like months.
[the officer frisks Romy in a very personal spot
] Romy White
: Where *exactly* do you think I'm hiding a gun? Police Officer
: [the officer goes to Michele next
] C'mon spread 'em. Michele Weinberger
: This is all a really big mistake. Police Officer
: Oh, yeah? That's for the judge to decide. Once money changes hands, you ladies have earned yourself a trip downtown. Michele Weinberger
: Money? You mean this dollar? He gave this to us to buy a tab with! Police Officer
: Uh-huh. Romy White
: It's true! What do you think she's gonna do for a dollar? Lick his neck?
[standing in a movie theater line on a hot summer day
] Romy White
: We have got to get to L.A. How much money do we have now? Michele Weinberger
: Umm, like $68. Romy White
: What? In three more years we saved up eight more dollars? Michele Weinberger
: We're never gonna get to L.A. Romy White
: If I had know we'd waste so much time, we could have gone to college.
[Romy and Michele walk down a Los Angeles sidewalk both dressed like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman"
] Michele Weinberger
: No wonder all the stars live here. Romy White
: Oh, I know. It's so exciting. It's like 9:00 and look at all the people in the streets. Michele Weinberger
: And none of them are wearing spurs.
: You know what I hate? When cute gay guys flirt with you and they know they can't deliver.
: Romy, what's karma? Romy White
: Oh, it's this Middle Eastern religious thingy that the Indians with the dots believe in.
[Points to her forehead