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: You're air-conditioned here? The Devil
: Sure! Fucks up the ozone layer.
: Tradition is the illusion of permanence. Doris
: You have no values. Your whole life, it's nihilism, it's cynicism, it's sarcasm and your orgasm. Harry Block
: You know in France, I could run on that slogan and win.
: You know, I cannot understand why the most sophisticated of women can't tell the difference between a meaningless, hot, passionate sexual affair and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage. Joan
: [breaking down
] Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others? Harry Block
: No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying. Joan
: You're an atheist, Harry! Harry Block
: Wha-hey, we're alone in the universe, you're going to blame that on me, too? Joan
: [angrily tears papers from typewriter
] Stop your tap-dancing...
: It's tradition. Harry Block
: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
: Does the president think of fucking every woman he meets? Oh sorry, bad example.
: The most important words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
: Between air conditioning and the Pope, I chose air conditioning.
: I'm a guy who can't function well in life but can in art.
: Six shrinks later, three wives down the line, and I still can't get my life together.
: The two most important things are the work that you choose and sex.
: Do you care even about the holocaust, or do you think it never happened? Harry Block
: Not only do I know that we lost 6 million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken
: You ever fuck a blind girl? Harry Block
: No. That I never did. The Devil
: Oh, they're so grateful.
: [to his brother-in-law Bert
] I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
: Cookie, do you know what a black hole is? Cookie
: Sure, that's how I make my livin'!
: How come you got all this money? Harry Block
: I always keep hooker money around, you know, 'cause I once paid by check years ago and the I.R.S. killed me.
: Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.
: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
: The ironic thing is that the school that kicked me out is honoring me soon. Shrink
: Why did they kick you out? Harry
: Because I wasn't interested in college. I wanted to be a writer and that's all I cared about. Also, I tried to give the Dean's wife an enema. They didn't take kindly to that.
: Look, I was merely explaining to you why my choice of necessity is confined to your practice.
: Between air-conditioning and the Pope, I'll take air-conditioning.
: [after sex
] Cookie, you're a definite artist. They should put your lips in the Smithsonian.
: You love baseball. Harry Block
: Baseball's easy because it has rules. It has foul lines.
: Cookie is the nanny. Doris
: The nanny! Where did you get her, from an agency or a massage parlor? Harry Block
: Oh jesus! She's a sweet kid, what are you picking on? Doris
: Ah, still with the sex pots, the tramps, the vilda chayes. Harry Block
: Ah, she's got a PhD, this girl. Doris
: Really? I don't know how she did on her written, but I'm sure she got an A plus on her oral exam.
: [to a suffering damned soul in Hell
] What did you do? Damned Man
: I invented aluminum siding.
: I'm a Jew. I don't believe in Heaven. Harry Block
: Where do you want to go? Harry's Father
: A Chinese restaurant.
: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
: Can I be honored and then arrested?
: [to his brother-in-law
] I don't think you're a paranoid. I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that everybody likes you!
: This guy is too old for her. Richard
: He's younger than you are. Harry Block
: Hey, I'm much too old for her, it's ridiculous. But, because of my immaturity I have a boyish quality that works.
: You're a self-hating jew. Harry Block
: Hey, I may hate myself but not 'cause I'm jewish.
: You never forgave him because you thought he was a bad father. Harry Block
: He was! Harry's Sister
: Thanks for stopping by...
: You schmuck, you bastard. I'd like to cut your fuckin' head off. Harry Block
: You're upset, right?
: And then, after their child was born, she became what he called "Jewish with a Vengeance".