Ernest P. Worrell
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Quotes for
Ernest P. Worrell (Character)
from Ernest Scared Stupid (1991)

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Ernest Scared Stupid (1991)
Kenny: Ernest I got it! What we need is a tree house!
Ernest P. Worrell: I thought we needed dress shields.

Trantor the Troll: You will die for the disgrace of your forefathers!
Ernest P. Worrell: I didn't have four fathers! I only had one father and I didn't know him that well!

Ernest P. Worrell: How 'bout a bumper sandwich, Boogerlips?

[When seeing Trantor the Troll for the first time]
Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, I sure hope you're from Keebler!

Ernest P. Worrell: I never knew when to quit. Just ask my fourth grade teacher.

[while driving to the treehouse with a now wooden Rimshot]
Ernest P. Worrell: What good is a wooden dog? Oh, sure they swim better, but what am I gonna call him, Splinter?

Ernest P. Worrell: Boy, Jimmy. When you play charades you play for keeps. Knowhatimean?

Ernest P. Worrell: [to the troll] You'd better stay away. I know jujitsu, kung fu, karate, tai chi, and I saw "Hulkamania" three times. Once in slow-mo.

Ernest P. Worrell: [about the troll] He looked like a big giant Mr. Potato Head. Except he was shaped more like a watermelon.

Ernest P. Worrell: Nuh uh, ain't no trees in Botswana, nuh uh, I know, I AM a Botswanian lumberjack, and I ain't never had a job...

Ernest P. Worrell: [as the Old Lady] Be grateful, little trolls in China don't even get milk.

Ernest P. Worrell: [being attacked by the troll] Help, help! May day! May day! Christmas Day! Colombus Day!

Ernest P. Worrell: Pretty soon the kids won't have to worry about eating their Brussel sprouts because the Brussel sprouts will be eating them.

Ernest P. Worrell: [to Rimshot] We have nothing to fear but fear itself, plus the known fact that Old Lady Hackmore will turn us into a couple of drooling, red eyed zombies if she catches us here.
[knocks on the door]
Ernest P. Worrell: Well, nobody home, I guess they're out robbing graves or biting the heads off chickens or whatever's in Voodoo Vogue.

Ernest P. Worrell: Miak!

Ernest P. Worrell: How about a little Miak!
Trantor the Troll: Miak?
Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah, Miak. I bet you thought I couldn't find any at this time of the year, well a little resourceful for ya, a little to light on my feet. Eat Miak and die!

Ernest P. Worrell: [Rimshot's been turned to wood] Rimshot! Oh my God.
Kenny: Don't worry, Ernest, we'll figure out some way to beat this.
Ernest P. Worrell: I'll tell you how we beat this thing, I'll tell you how we beat it. My great great granddaddy put him in that tree and so can I. Somebody with a runny nose is going to die.

Ernest P. Worrell: There's nothing in that tree for me.

Ernest P. Worrell: [about the troll] It looked like a great big Mr. Potato Head only it was the size of a watermelon!

Ernest P. Worrell: [after running over the troll and not finding him] He must be a greasy spot in the road.

Ernest P. Worrell: Make sure your shoes are on the right feet and all your furniture's up against the WALLLL!

Ernest P. Worrell: Sheriff Binder open up! It was awful, the thunder and the lightning, and it had great big teeth and things on its ears like this! It was at least this big and at least this long!
Cliff: Whoa, whoa, Ernest, what's going on?
Amanda: Ernest do you know what time it is?
Ernest P. Worrell: Maybe Old Lady Hackmore was right, maybe it WAS a troll! Luckily I was there to beat it within an inch of its face.
Cliff: Old Lady Hackmore?
Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah the kids and I built a treehouse out there and she got REAL STEAMED.
Amanda: You took Kenny and the kids out there? Trespassing on an old lady's property?
Cliff: Yeah, but what happened?
Ernest P. Worrell: Sheriff, I saw a troll! I really saw a troll!
Kenny: Dad, something really weird WAS happening in those woods tonight!
Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah, you gotta do something, Sheriff.
Cliff: Now calm down, Ernest, you probably just had a bad dream. So pinch yourself.
[Ernest pinches himself and screams]
Cliff: and go home.
Ernest P. Worrell: Oww! I'm not dreaming, this really hurts!

Ernest P. Worrell: We got him, Rimshot, we got ol' Honkerhead himself.

Ernest P. Worrell: [as a doll he picked up as the garbage truck is closing on him] No no don't stick my head in those gears!
[to the doll]
Ernest P. Worrell: But it's me or you
[as the doll]
Ernest P. Worrell: But I have a family at the doll factory!
Ernest P. Worrell: I'll send them a nice card
[sticks the doll's head in the gears]
Ernest P. Worrell: [as the doll] You'll never get away with this Ernest I know where you live.

Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
Harmony Star: Hey, Ernest, how did it go?
Ernest P. Worell: It worked great. Victory is at hand. Now we have to move onto what I like to call "Plan B."

Ernest P. Worell: I am one with the Yuletide, know what I mean?

Ernest P. Worell: What we have here is a failure to accumulate.

Ernest P. Worell: [quietly] Santa Claus.
Mary Morrissey: What did you say?
Ernest P. Worell: His name is Santa Claus!
[children giggle]
Ernest P. Worell: That's it. Yuck it up. He happens to be a close, personal friend of mine. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah. Fifth graders think they know everything.

Ernest P. Worell: [gesturing to Santa's sack] You better check it out.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Why?
Ernest P. Worell: Call it... Uh, a fifth sense. Call it a flash of intermission, but I just got this feeling deep down in the heart of my bottom.

Ernest P. Worell: You know, I don't tell many people this, but Christmas is just about my favorite time. Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt like it was my own personal holiday.

Harmony Star: There's no such thing! Think about it: a guy who flies around the whole world in one night. It just doesn't quite correspond to the laws of time and travel.
Ernest P. Worell: Now, now, now, now, now, it's possible. You take the International Date Line, multiply it by the Time Zones, divided by the accelerated rotation of the earth... uh, carry the 1, and, uh, allowing for the Vernal Equinox on the Tropic of Cancer, he might just pull it off.

Ernest P. Worell: Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your 'Channel' Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can.

Ernest P. Worell: No, there's only one person authorized to operate this sack. His big, red, oneness: The Claus.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': This is Ernest. I'm Santa Claus.
[odd silence]
Ernest P. Worell: Surprised?
Harmony Star: Uh, no. No, not - not really.

Film Studio Gate Guard: [advances toward's Ernest's truck to see what is under the tarp in back] I'd better have a look.
Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as a snake rancher, referring to the venomous "snakes" under the tarp] Careful, now... them be "pisin"!
[lunges at the guard, who gasps and winces]
Ernest P. Worell: "Pisin" snakes! One minute, you be a strappin' young man like yerself, an' the next...
[imitates a snake's fangs with his fingers]
Ernest P. Worell: SNAP!
[swipes his "fangs" at the guard, who again gasps and winces]
Ernest P. Worell: Yer dead meat!

Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as a snake rancher, referring to the venomous snakes in the back of his truck] Ya want one fer yer boy? I gave one to my boy last year...
[removes his hat]
Ernest P. Worell: [singing] Rock of ages... a-cleft fer me... let me hide myself in thee... That's all these movie people want..."pisin"!

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': [after Ernest has just finished driving suicidally on the freeway and busted a window to rescue one] I take it you really needed a tree?
Ernest P. Worell: Nah, I've already got one at home, but I've got a friend that I think could use one, besides it'd be a shame if the little guy didn't have a home for the holiday.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': It's rare to meet someone with such Christmas spirit.

Harmony Star: [after Ernest gets fired] Ernest, it was a dead end job anyway, it's nowhere working for a guy like that.
Ernest P. Worell: If there hadn't been children present, it might have been a very ugly scene indeed.
Harmony Star: Why didn't you just tell him you were robbed? This all could have been avoided if you'd just lied!
Ernest's Boss: [tosses Ernest's tree out of the door after him, knocking him down] Merry Christmas!
[laughs sadistically as Ernest lies face down on the pavement]
Harmony Star: Ernest, you are in serious need of help.

Ernest P. Worell: [Vern opens the door] Ho ho ho, Vern! Merry
[Vern slams the door on him]
Harmony Star: I thought you said this guy was your friend.
Ernest P. Worell: Oh Vern's just like that, he'll do anything for a laugh. Come on!

Ernest P. Worell: Hey! Listen, I gotta get these reindeer down to the children's museumm, like, five minutes ago, you know what I mean?
Chuck: Elms?
Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.
Chuck: Your name ain't Elms?
Ernest P. Worell: No. Ernest.
Chuck: We're holding these reindeer for a guy named "Helper Elms". Now, we've got some REAL good questions, and he'd better have some REAL good answers.
Ernest P. Worell: Look, it's a long story, but before I tell you, let me ask you something. Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Chuck: [eyes the flying reindeer on the ceiling] Somehow... I knew this question was going to come up.

Ernest P. Worell: [first lines; singing as he drives a taxi] Oh, Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh Chriiistmas tree.
[repeats over and over... and over]
Cab Passenger: Hey, could you hurry it up? I've got a flight to catch!

Ernest P. Worell: [disguised as Marty Brock's mother] Don't try to defend him, honey, there's no future in it.

Ernest P. Worell: [after getting out of the taxi] That'll be $32.50.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Here you go.
Ernest P. Worell: [notices the money] Hey, uh, this ain't real.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': What?
Ernest P. Worell: This money carries the likeness of one...
[with funny faces]
Ernest P. Worell: "Mr. Funtime".
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Well I don't understand. I don't have much use for currency but I do like to keep some on hand, I just... oh my... last year, a 5 year old boy asked for a Mr. Funtime grocery store, I included a rather large amount of... play money. I suppose I must've gotten the two confused.
Harmony Star: Dum de dum dum.

Harmony Star: [jumping into Ernest's cab and making him speed away from the restaurant where she skipped out on the bill] You see that guy back there? That's my mean uncle, he makes me work in his restaurant like a slave, he keeps me in the basement where there's rats and filth,and I finally just escaped, so please don't let him get me!
Ernest P. Worell: [John Wayne voice] Well no need to fret, young lady, you're safe with us.
Harmony Star: ...Thanks. By the way, my name's Harmony Star, remember that name, I'm going to be famous someday.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Oh this is Ernest, I'm Santa Claus.
Ernest P. Worell: Surprised?
Harmony Star: Uh, no, no not, not really.

Ernest P. Worell: Vern throws the greatest Christmas parties, of course we're a little early so we can help him decorate and set up the food. Maybe he'll have finger sandwiches and cheese balls and bean dip!
Harmony Star: Well I hope he's got something I can eat and not just a lot of white sugar and red meat. You know I think red meat makes people overly aggressive and makes them like, kill people and stuff, knowhutImean?
Ernest P. Worell: You're right as rain, pudding, pork's my meat.

Ernest P. Worell: You know, I don't want to insult you being we've just met and all, but you kind of remind me of somebody.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Santa Claus?
Ernest P. Worell: I guess you get that a lot, huh?
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Well it's to be expected.
Ernest P. Worell: Because you look like him?
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Because I am him.
Ernest P. Worell: Because you am him.
[looks back confusedly]

Ernest P. Worell: [suspended in mid-air in Santa's sleigh which has run out of power] Nobody moves, nobody dies.
[one of the elves sneezes and the sleigh drops]

Ernest P. Worell: Santa's in the slammer! We gotta get him out! Is vagrancy a capital crime?

Ernest Goes to Jail (1990)
Ernest P. Worrell: I came! I saw! I got blowed up!

Ernest P. Worrell: Did you hear the one about the three legged dog that walked into a bar and said, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."

Ernest P. Worrell: Mr. Poodle-Smurf is lucky to have me. One day, I'm gonna walk into his office and I'll say: 'Oscar Babe'.
Oscar Pendlesmythe: WHAT?
Ernest P. Worrell: Oh good morning Mr. Poodle-Smurf, Puddle-Smit, Smiddle-Poot...
Oscar Pendlesmythe: Pendlesmythe you idiot!

Ernest P. Worrell: I've never been inside a restaurant that doesn't have a drive-thru window before.

Guard: Eat, Greaseball!
Ernest P. Worrell: I didn't order grease ball.

Ernest P. Worrell: We're sequestered. And on top of that we can't even leave! This is just great.

Ernest P. Worrell: Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing, Oh no. I'm in... I'm in... jail!

Ernest P. Worrell: Death row? You mean like the chair, the hot seat, dead meat, deep 6, it's over pal, you're outta here bub, the groundhog's are bringing you your mail, you're picking turnips with a step ladder, the no tomorrow row? That kind of row? Oh no. The row?

Ernest P. Worrell: [to lawyer as he's being taken to the chair] You pal, you're not getting anymore of my business!

Ernest P. Worrell: I've been vandalized by Elvis.

Ernest P. Worrell: So it's come to this. A pointless, miserable end to a shallow, meaningless life. But it's as it should be. It's the hand I've been dealt, and I have to play it as it lays. Oh, I'm not going to cry because life's thrown me a curve. I'm not going to whine because I got mashed potatoes when French fries is what I really wanted. It's time for me to step up to the plate, belly up to the bar! It's time for me to look fate square in the eye, flare my nostrils, breathe life's last breath! It's time for me to lie down with lions so I can soar with the eagles! All right! I'm ready! Come and get me! Let's do it!

Ernest P. Worrell: [finding Rimshot in the trashcan] What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?

Ernest P. Worrell: [after being electrocuted by the electric chair] You better watch out, Ruben. I'll zap you.
Rubin Bartlett: You're a dead man, Worrell.
Ernest P. Worrell: Very well. You asked for it. After all, I am Ernest P. Worrell... Electro-man.

Ernest P. Worrell: [after drying himself off with his body dryer and checking the circuit board] Oh, there's my problem right there. This wire's got a little sh...
[gets electricuted]
Ernest P. Worrell: short in it.
[Then a metal comb clings to his vest]
Ernest P. Worrell: Gosh, not again.

Ernest P. Worrell: [after removing a metal lid that clinged to his face with a lobster still stuck on his face] I recommend the lobster.

[Ernest and the crew he's with are being forced to go into a jail cell, and Ernest is mistaking the prison he's in for his jury crew, and a guard comes up from behind him and hits him]
Ernest P. Worrell: I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss! After all, I do have a living to earn.
Mean prison guard: Now look, Nash -...
Ernest P. Worrell: My name is "Worrel, Ernest P. Worrel."
Mean prison guard: Oh, Mister Funny-Man, huh? Yeah, Mister Funny-Man. You'll think funny when you're tapping to the tune of 2-20, son!
[throws him into his cell, right next to them]
Ernest P. Worrell: That is the rudest bailiff I have ever seen in my life.

Ernest P. Worrell: Real men are not intimidated by physical threats against their personal selves, and, ironically, neither am I.

Ernest P. Worrell: [when Ernest notices that metal things are attacking him] Huh?

Lyle: Let him go.
Ernest P. Worrell: Lyle! You talk! That's great!
Rubin Bartlett: Have you flipped? Come on, we've got to get of this guy before he blows the whole thing!
Lyle: No! He's different than us!
Rubin Bartlett: [before Lyle knocks him out] Shut up and get out of my way!
Lyle: You better go. Mister Nash is probably robbing the bank right now.
Ernest P. Worrell: Nash? Well, come with me.
Lyle: I don't belong out there. I got a place in here.
Ernest P. Worrell: Well, I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
Lyle: Ernest, things won't be the same without you. You know what I mean?

The Ernest Film Festival (1986) (V)
Ernest P. Worrell: Vern? Vern? Looks like you need some mouth to mouth resignation.

Ernest P. Worrell: Ya know, Vern, Cream O'Weber Highland sour cream is good on anything from potatoes to tacos, that it was inspired me to write this poem. I infectionatly call it "Sour Cream" by Ernest P. Worrell. Actually, it's by Cream O'Weber Highland, I just wrote the words. "Roses are red, violets are blue, sour cream is white, and comes in a tub."

Ernest P. Worrell: You gotta give your fair share, Vern, because if you don't pitch in your part and I don't pitch in my part, these poor people won't have a part to pitch in. Get Ernest 'bout the United Way, knowhutImean?

Ernest P. Worrell: Hey Vern, ya diggin' a hole? Why? Did you call the gas company first? Why not? Vern, if you don't call before you dig, you could hit a gas line and ruin a perfectly good afternoon, knowhutImean? No heat. No hot water. Ya can't cook and you're sure not gonna make any new friends down at the gas company, knowhutImean?

Ernest P. Worrell: [On smoking cigarettes] Gosh, Vern, ya tryin' to kill us all? Walkin' around all the time with that weed hangin' out of your mouth. Don't you know how deadly that thing is? You're just askin' for a case of the Big C: Cancer city, Chemo Therapy Hotel. I care 'bout you, Vern, that's why I'm warning you, you better give up them cigarettes, buddy, or the groundhogs will ber bringin' you your mail, knowhutimean?

Ernest P. Worrell: Vern, what's these dead minnows doin' on my pizza pie?

Ernest P. Worrell: That freshly bewed Convient Coffee every morning get's me movin'. I'm movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-... In my Convienient Cup. I'm movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-... I think I'll have a donut.

Ernest P. Worrell: [after watching Andy Griffith] I know what, Vern, let's me and you play Mayberry. I'll be Andy and you be Dopey.

Ernest P. Worrell: [reading Vern's hospital chart] Hey Vern it says here you're gettin' 50 suppositories a day. Where you puttin' them things anyway?

Ernest P. Worrell: Country Fresh Lite keeps ya livin' right, knowhutimean?

Ernest P. Worrell: [At an ice cream shop] And Vern, I guess you got the chocolate. Don't you want yours, Vern? Well pay the lady.

Ernest P. Worrell: Boy, Vern, crime fightin' is a thankless job, but somebody's gotta do it. Knowhutimean?

Ernest P. Worrell: Did you see her fix these hamburgers? She cooked'em just the way I like'em. She cooked them one at a time, all the fixings, none of them conveyer belts, no automatic burger machines, none of that factory stuff, it's just a real hamburger made by a real human being. What'll they think of next?

Ernest P. Worrell: [Figuring out a mathematical equation, typing on his head like a calculator] Vern drives 18 miles to Tyson's Toyota at 20¢ a mile, that's government standard. Divided by the excellerated rotation of the earth, minus the frustration factor equals... Vern, you're gonna save $53,000 on a $9,000 car. I don't know how them boys stay in business!

Ernest P. Worrell: Don't touch that dial, Vern. Don't touch it. Please, Vern. I'm trapped in this TV forever.

Ernest P. Worrell: Hey Vern. Boy, Vern, being in the hospital sure is rough duty, huh? Well thank goodness M*A*S*H comes on every week night on WDBJ 7, your hometown station, with Hawkeye and Hot Lips and the whole gang, what a ride. You know, Vern, if I can swing it, I'm gonna try to come down here every night and watch M*A*S*H with you, don't that sound like fun?

Ernest Goes to Camp (1987)
Mr. Tipton: Okay, one more chance, but your boys better get with the program. Know what I mean?
Ernest P. Worrell: Oh I know what you mean, sir, thank you.

Nurse St. Cloud: And that was the ritual of the Blade, the Stone, and the Arrow.
Ernest P. Worrell: Like in our culture: Paper, Rock, Scissors.

Ernest P. Worrell: One monkey don't stop no show.

Ernest P. Worrell: All aboard that's going ashore!

[Ernest is getting his shots and is in pain]
Ernest P. Worrell: I did it! I took the Lindbergh baby! I am 'Josef Mengele' qv! AAAHHH!

Mr. Tipton: Have you ever held a leadership position?
Ernest P. Worrell: I had a ant farm once.

Ernest P. Worrell: Somethin' burnin'? Ayyy-EWW!

Ernest P. Worrell: No. I-I can't eat on an empty stomach.

Ernest P. Worrell: And then, he thought he heard it, and that's when Vernon turned around and looked in his rear window... and there, staring back at him was the hook man!
[laughs sinsterly]
Ernest P. Worrell: So, he stomps on the gas, and he tore out of there, and the next day, Vernon went to get in his car, and there, hanging on the rear view mirror, was the hook!
Crutchfield: I thought it was supposed to be on the door handle.
Ernest P. Worrell: Well yeah it was, but then Vernon hung it on the rear view mirror like dice and baby shoes.

Ernest P. Worrell: My motto is, "I never met a bad kid."
State Supervisor: Then let me introduce you to some. These misfits were selected by their ward leaders as most in need of help.
[they step over to the boys]
State Supervisor: This here's the ringleader, Bobby Wayne. He's been in and out of institutions like this since he was eleven.
Bobby Wayne: Since I was nine.
State Supervisor: And this here's Crutchfield. Twelve years old and already a master thief.
Crutchfield: [Hands back Ernest's wallet] It's like a... gift or something.
Ernest P. Worrell: Well, thanks
[takes the wallet]
State Supervisor: And here's Danny Simpson. He comes from a long line of troublemakers.
Danny: It's a family tradition. I've got a reputation to uphold.
State Supervisor: And the Albert Eeeeiiinstein of this institution, Chip Ooooozgood.
Chip Ozgood: [Says nothing]
State Supervisor: [Shakes her head] Butch Too Cool Vargas.
Butch 'Bubba' Vargas: [Says nothing, looks at her contemptuously]

Ernest P. Worrell: You see these hands? Huh? Huh? You see them? If I put them in my pockets I will be arrested for concealing lethal weapons.

Butch 'Bubba' Vargas: Ernest, um... we've been thinking.
Crutchfield: Yeah, we ain't got much of a chance but we got a plan.
Bobby Wayne: If we stop those miners then there will be a Camp Kikakee.
Ernest P. Worrell: Boys, we can't stop those miners, look what they did to me and that was just one of them.
Chip Ozgood: Come on Ernest, that don't sound like no path of the brave to me.
Moustafa 'Moose' Hakeem Jones: I don't want to go back to no institution, I want to stay right here with you.
Bobby Wayne: Yeah we all do, Ernest.
Chip Ozgood: Come on, Ernest, we can get them.
Bobby Wayne: Hey, it's the path of the brave.
Crutchfield: Let's go for it, we can do it, Ernest.

[Krader has come to kill Ernest with his rifle. He points his rifle at Ernest and has him dead in the crosshairs]
Nurse St. Cloud: [v.o] If he had faith in The Great One, the knife would not cut him.
[Krader fires and inexplicably misses, much his his own and Ernest's surprise. He moves closer and aims again]
Nurse St. Cloud: [v.o] If he had courage; *true* courage, the rock would not break him.
[Krader fires again and misses. He moves closer and targets Ernest again]
Nurse St. Cloud: [v.o] If the brave was pure of heart, the arrow could not catch him.
[Krader fires and misses. He moves to point-blank range and takes aim. Ernest plugs the rifle barrel with his finger and smirks]
Ernest P. Worrell: [smugly] Paper, rock scissors.

Ernest Rides Again (1993)
Ernest: Boy this is great! This is just like that John Wayne movie when he and Sundance were in Bulgaria.
Abner: Bolivia. They were in Bolivia. Wait a minute, they were killed in Bolivia.
Ernest: Well maybe they should've stayed in Bulgaria.

Abner: Look, consider the ramifications!
Ernest: We don't have any ramifications, all we've got is this cannon!

Ernest: Know what I mean?

Ernest: Isn't that one of those lizards that when its tail falls off, it can grow another lizard?

Abner: I left my detector!
Ernest: So did I!
Abner: But it was a Ten Co.
Ernest: Mine was an Eleven-Co.

Abner: Ernest, are you dead?
Ernest: I guess I would be if I weren't just *that* close to being an actual cartoon.

Ernest: Why the long face? I thought you were a "hysterical" professor.

Ernest: Could it be? Is it possible?
[Unearths a bicycle seat]
Ernest: It is! It's Cleopatra's crystal skull!

Ernest: [after approaching a sign reading "Apple Maggot Contamination - Do not pass go, do not collect $200] Stopped by apple maggots again!

Ernest: [as Dr. Glencliff's Cadillac is approaching Ernest, Abner, and the cannon from the distance] Oh, no, it's that crazy doctor in the Batmobile!

Ernest in the Army (1998)
Ernest P. Worrell: A real soldier wouldn't leave those people. And ironically, neither would I.

Ernest P. Worrell: I am poultry in motion.

Ernest P. Worrell: Poisoned barbed wire. A feeble attempt to frighten lesser minds.

Ernest P. Worrell: The desert sun certainly has an adverse effect on chocolate milk.

Ernest P. Worrell: Gosh Ben, you never let me do anything, ever since we were kids.
Sarge: I let you do stuff.
Ernest P. Worrell: What kind of stuff?
Sarge: ...Stuff.
Ernest P. Worrell: Well okay, stuff, but you never let drive.

Ernest P. Worrell: Army people, army people, army army army people.

Cindy: Are you a mirage?
Ernest P. Worrell: No ma'am, Southern Baptist.

Ernest P. Worrell: I learned CPR on Oprah!

"Hey, Vern, It's Ernest!: Hey Vern, It's Pets (#1.7)" (1988)
Ernest P. Worrel: Vern, would you consider keeping a family of rats in your bedroom?

Ernest P. Worrel: Hey Vern, my pet daycare center's going great, but the ducks have locked themselves in the other bathroom. So I was wondering if you'd mind watching these water snakes for me.
[drops snakes in the tub]
Ernest P. Worrel: Oh Vern, they already had lunch, nap time is 2 o' clock and please, don't let them play stick ball in the street know what I mean?

Ernest P. Worrel: Hey Vern, I know you're not supposed to count your chickens before they hatch but what do you do if they're already numbered?
[picks up an egg with 8 on it]

Ernest's Greatest Hits Volume 2 (1992) (V)
Ernest P. Worrell: [Vern, drunk, is trying to unlock is car door] Here, Vern, let me drive you home. This ain't even your car.