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: Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days. Tia
: What are you doing here? Buck
: We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us. Tia
: I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9! Buck
: Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug? Bug
: It's an ax? Buck
: Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it. Bug
: [getting scared
] I'll pass. Buck
: Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home... then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
: I'm sorry. Bug
: Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me. Tia
: He's all talk.
[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car
: Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.
: Uncle Buck? Buck
: Yeah? Tia
: Got a minute? Buck
: I got lots of minutes. Tia
: Now that everything's okay with my grandfather, I want to go out tomorrow night. Buck
: You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out. Tia
: [getting angry
] You just can't find any way to be cool can you? Buck
: You mean easy? No. Tia
: I mean decent! Buck
: You mean blind! Tia
: Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up Shit Creek and got stuck! Buck
: [looking frustrated
] Get used on your parents' time.
: What time do you want me to pick you up after school? Tia
: Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends Buck
: No, I have my orders. What time? Tia
: Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride. Buck
: Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here. Tia
: Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here. Buck
: Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and walk you to your first class. 4:00 okay?
: Waiting for your sex? Tia
: Shut up!
: The guy's a predator and you're his prey. Tia
: Really? Buck
: You bet. Tia
: And how would you know? Buck
: When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. Pretty face, good chip on your shoulder. Tia
: I recommend you stay out of my personal life! Buck
: Do your parents stay out of your personal life? Tia
: They don't know my personal life. Buck
: Have they met twiddle-dink? Tia
: His name is Bug. Buck
] First or last? Tia
: First! Buck
: What's his last name, Spray? Tia
: You should talk, Buck!
: Are you crazy? Buck Russell
: I can be. Tia Russell
: You could have taken his head off! Buck Russell
: Yeah, but would he notice?
: [is trying to make Tia go out bowling with him
] We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again. Tia
: Try me. Buck
: How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out-of-work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.
: I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud. Miles Russell
: [Off screen
] Shut up! Maisey Russell
: Shut up, yourself! Tia Russell
: We need boys, so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.
: If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.
: Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?
: They have rent-a-shoes! Tia
: And rent-a-foot disease!
: [eating Chinese take out
] This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How do you find the time?
: When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work. Tia Russell
: So you can interview new housekeepers? Cindy Russell
: I've had enough of your ugliness. Tia Russell
: Oh really? Cindy Russell
: Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act.
: You know there's uh, one family charity case who loves you very much. Tia
] I'm sorry. Buck
: Hey, come on. Nothing to be sorry about. I'm just glad I got a chance to know you again.
: You always kick me around, I'm an American and I have rights. Tia
: Maisey, do I kick you around? Maisey Russell
: No, but you said 'shit' twice, only once that counts though.
: Let the dog out. Maisey Russell
[their dog Parcey emerges from the dryer
: Have a bad day today? It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?
: Do have any idea how embarrassing this is? You driving me up to my school where everyone can see you? I can't believe I'm related to you. Buck
: You just get that big stick out of your keester young lady, and we'll get along just fine. Tia
: Can I ask you a personal question? Buck
: Sure. Tia
: Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?
[a very long pause as Buck glances up, then down, and side to side trying to remember and contemplating Tia's question until he makes eye contact with her again
: Get your bag off the table, people eat there. Maisey Russell
: People eat off of plates. Tia
: Don't give me any crap, Maizy.