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: Dude! J.D.
: Dude! Wayne
: Why didn't you answer the door? J.D.
: I'm eatin'. Wayne
: So? J.D.
: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'. Wayne
: Since when? J.D.
: Since always. Wayne
: I never knew that. J.D.
: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay. Wayne
: Is there anything else you wanna tell me? J.D.
: I got three balls. Wayne
: Shut up! God! J.D.
: Dude. Dude. Dude!
: Have you ever had a girlfriend? J.D.
: Yes... No! Judith
: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man? J.D.
: Which man? Judith
: Any man! J.D.
: You mean like a tall man? Judith
: Sure, whatever! J.D.
: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me! Judith
: What about a short man? J.D.
: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets! Judith
: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all? J.D.
: Does that include celebrities?
: By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman? Wayne
: Uh, yeah. Yeah, we snuffed that broad just like ya said. Coach Norton
: Good. How'd ya do it? Wayne
: We, um... J.D.
: Ate her... Coach Norton
: You ate her? Wayne
: Yeah, we ate her. J.D.
: Alive. Coach Norton
: My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart; that's the perfect crime.
: COME ON AH YEEEEEEEH-HA!
: Okay, our enemy is wicked, so... J.D.
: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger. Wayne
: Damien. J.D.
: Dude, she's Vader. Wayne
: No! She is the Emperor! J.D.
: Yeah, but with really great tits! Wayne
: Okay, now Sandy, that girl? She's a nice girl. J.D.
: Ah, yeah. Wayne
: She's a sweetheart. J.D.
: Dude, a saint. Wayne
: A goddess. J.D.
: A princess. Wayne
: 'Know what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa. J.D.
: Yeah, but with way better tits.
: Fuck you, replacement-friends! Wayne
: Eat this, Fake Wayne!
: Do you want a drink? Judith
: Scotch on the rocks. J.D.
: No problem. You want ice with that?
: When are you going to get hitched there, son? J.D.
: Actually I'm not, I'm GAY. Coach Norton
: Oh... me too!
: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,
[making obscene gestures with his hands
: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha! Wayne
: Dude, mimes don't talk. J.D.
: They do when they're off duty.
: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember? Sandy
: Um, no I don't think I recall... J.D.
: Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body? Sandy
: Um... J.D.
: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong? Sandy
: No, JD, I really... J.D.
: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.
: You're not gay... you're just confused. J.D.
: Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me? Wayne
: Maybe she's a herm. Darren
: A what? J.D.
: Ya know, a herm. A little puss, little dick.
: Isn't one-and-only supposed to be, like, one? And only?
[Judith has torched Darren's Neil Diamond albums
: She torched Neil? You're right. She is a monster.
: So, Coach, how's your parole coming? Coach Norton
: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining J.D.
: God! What is their PROBLEM?
[Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren
: She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants. J.D.
: I thought his ass looked tighter!
: Judith escaped. Wayne
: You've been pinching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!
: What happened? Judith
: [Karate yell
: [bringing a box of videos to Judith
] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.
: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother. Wayne
: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power tool. J.D.
: It's true!
[in the R-rated version
: [in the R-rated version
] I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse J.D.
: It's true!
: Neil! I wanna party with you! I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!
[Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F'
: Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight.
[shows the fun levels large decline
: [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B'
: Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.
[Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart
: Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO!
[Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart
: This has obviously lead to increased whacking off! J.D.
: I'm chafing.
: She used her super-intellect on me! She's like Hanibal Lecter.
: Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.
: So when are you getting hitched? J.D.
: Actually, I'm not. I'm gay. Coach Norton
: Me too.
: What is it that I always said? J.D.
: If you can dream it, you can do it. Coach Norton
: Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.
: Judy, awesome to meet you. Judith
: Jud-*ith*. J.D.
: Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?