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Quotes for
J.D. (Character)
from Saving Silverman (2001)

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Saving Silverman (2001)
Wayne: Dude!
J.D.: Dude!
Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door?
J.D.: I'm eatin'.
Wayne: So?
J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.
Wayne: Since when?
J.D.: Since always.
Wayne: I never knew that.
J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.
Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me?
J.D.: I got three balls.
Wayne: Shut up! God!
J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude!

Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
J.D.: Yes... No!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
J.D.: Which man?
Judith: Any man!
J.D.: You mean like a tall man?
Judith: Sure, whatever!
J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me!
Judith: What about a short man?
J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all?
J.D.: Does that include celebrities?

Coach Norton: By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?
Wayne: Uh, yeah. Yeah, we snuffed that broad just like ya said.
Coach Norton: Good. How'd ya do it?
Wayne: We, um...
J.D.: Ate her...
Coach Norton: You ate her?
Wayne: Yeah, we ate her.
J.D.: Alive.
Coach Norton: My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart; that's the perfect crime.


Wayne: Okay, our enemy is wicked, so...
J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
Wayne: Damien.
J.D.: Dude, she's Vader.
Wayne: No! She is the Emperor!
J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits!
Wayne: Okay, now Sandy, that girl? She's a nice girl.
J.D.: Ah, yeah.
Wayne: She's a sweetheart.
J.D.: Dude, a saint.
Wayne: A goddess.
J.D.: A princess.
Wayne: 'Know what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.
J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.

J.D.: Fuck you, replacement-friends!
Wayne: Eat this, Fake Wayne!

J.D.: Do you want a drink?
Judith: Scotch on the rocks.
J.D.: No problem. You want ice with that?

Coach Norton: When are you going to get hitched there, son?
J.D.: Actually I'm not, I'm GAY.
Coach Norton: Oh... me too!

J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,
[making obscene gestures with his hands]
J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!
Wayne: Dude, mimes don't talk.
J.D.: They do when they're off duty.

J.D.: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember?
Sandy: Um, no I don't think I recall...
J.D.: Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body?
Sandy: Um...
J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong?
Sandy: No, JD, I really...
J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.

Wayne: You're not gay... you're just confused.
J.D.: Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me?
Wayne: NO!

J.D.: Maybe she's a herm.
Darren: A what?
J.D.: Ya know, a herm. A little puss, little dick.

J.D.: Isn't one-and-only supposed to be, like, one? And only?

[Judith has torched Darren's Neil Diamond albums]
J.D.: She torched Neil? You're right. She is a monster.

Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming?
Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining
J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?

[Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren]
Wayne: She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants.
J.D.: I thought his ass looked tighter!

J.D.: Judith escaped.
Wayne: ...Dehrrrrrrrr.

J.D.: You've been pinching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!

J.D.: What happened?
Judith: [Karate yell] Wah!

J.D.: [bringing a box of videos to Judith] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.

Judith: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.
Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power tool.
J.D.: It's true!

[in the R-rated version]
Wayne: [in the R-rated version] I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse
J.D.: It's true!

J.D.: Neil! I wanna party with you! I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!

[Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F']
Wayne: Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight.
[shows the fun levels large decline]
Wayne: [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B']
Wayne: Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.
[Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart]
Wayne: Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO!
[Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart]
Wayne: This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!
J.D.: I'm chafing.

J.D.: She used her super-intellect on me! She's like Hanibal Lecter.

J.D.: Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.

Coach Norton: So when are you getting hitched?
J.D.: Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.
Coach Norton: Me too.

Coach Norton: What is it that I always said?
J.D., Wayne: If you can dream it, you can do it.
Coach Norton: Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.

J.D.: Judy, awesome to meet you.
Judith: Jud-*ith*.
J.D.: Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?