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: We'll throw away the TV. We'll perform Shakespeare in front of him.
: Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.
: Do you really have to go? Gil
: My whole life is "have to."
[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room
: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Gil
: Oh? Grandma
: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! Gil
: What a great story. Grandma
: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
: Keep Patty away from Larry - suck the intelligence right out of her.
: What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good? Taylor
: Yeah. Gil
: You feel like you wanna throw up? Taylor
[vomits all over Gil, and starts crying
: Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you standing there? Gil
: Waiting for her head to spin around.
: Who's that? Gil
: It's my kid brother, Larry, your uncle. Don't give him any money. Justin
: I won't.
: I happen to LIKE the roller coaster, okay? As far as I'm concerned, your grandmother is brilliant. Gil
: Yeah, if she's so brilliant, why is she sitting in our NEIGHBOR'S CAR?
[Gil sees Justin wearing nothing but a gunbelt
: That's what you're wearing to bed? You'll catch a cold!
[Justin puts on a cowboy hat
: Karen, how about after the kids are asleep... (referring to Justin.) I wear this outfit?
Student 1 at College
: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle! Dean at College
: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up! Student 2 at College
: What's he yelling? Kevin Buckman Age 21
: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE! Gil
: [Yelling through a megaphone
] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
[Kevin shoots the megaphone from his hands
: Nice shot, son! It's important to be supportive. Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea..."
[after his wife just told him she's pregnant with their 4th child
: Well, great! Let's see how I can screw the fourth one up! Hey, let's have five. Let's have six. Let's have a dozen and pretend they're donuts!
: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at? Gil
: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations. Frank
: Well, which one did I punch the band leader? Gil
: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
: [mimics Susan laughing
] Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch. Gil
] Gee, I wonder why.
: They're bad dudes. That's why they call the game "Bad Dudes."
: Hey, Gil, our boys finally gonna win one game? Gil
: Way to be supportive, Lou.
: They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...
: ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go!
[holds up jumbled of twisted balloons
: Your lower intestines.
: [lights went out unexpectedly and have just been turned on. Gil thinks he has a flashlight but is holding a vibrator
] What's this?
[switches vibrator on
: [lights come up, Gil laughs and leaves the room
: Mommy, what was that? Karen
: That was... an electric ear cleaner. Taylor
: It was kind of big. Grandma
: It sure was!
: [Frank has asked Gil for advice about Larry
] And you want my advice? Why me? Why now? Frank
: Because I know you think I was a shitty father.
[Gil is silent
: Thank you for not arguing. And I know you're a good father.
: You know, when you were two years old, we thought you had polio. Did you know that? Gil
: Yeah, Mom said... something about it a couple of years ago. Frank
: Yeah, well, for a week we didn't know. I hated you for that.
[Gil looks surprised and hurt
: I did. I hated having to care, having to go through the pain, the hurt, the suffering. It's not for me.
[after Gil and Karen get into an accident when she tries to "relax" him
] Highway Policeman
: So, how did this happen? Gil
: [gives Karen a look
] Show him, honey.
: Did he say "Cool"? Gil
: [seeing Taylor get pushed around in a school play
] They're hurting my sister! Gil
: He's going! Get him! Justin
: Hang on, Taylor! Taylor, I'm gonna save you.
[In the car after the baseball game, Kevin is singing "The Diarrhea Song" while Taylor laughs
] Kevin Buckman
: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into third and you feel a juicy turd, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're driving in your Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy, diarrhea, diarrhea. Karen
: Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song? Kevin Buckman
: Last summer at camp, Mom. Gil
: Ah, that was money well spent. Justin
, Kevin Buckman
: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea.
: [Gil and Larry are reuniting
] How long has it been? Three years? Larry Buckman
: Something like that. Gil
: You stopped wearing your turban! Larry Buckman
: [reading a book
] The Penal Colony, by Franz Kafka. Gil
: Hey, Nathan, Patty a doctor yet? Nathan
: Mock if you will. Gil
: All right. Nathan
: Our children are more capable of retaining and absorbing information than we are and yet we insist on treating them like adorable little morons. Gil
: What are you saying, Patty can learn things I can't learn? Nathan
: [lays out four cards with lots of red dots stuck on them
] Patty, which one of these is the square root of 8,649? Patty
: [looks at the cards for a few seconds then points at one
[Nathan picks up the card, checks the answer on the back then shows it to Gil. Patty is correct. Gil pulls an expression of disbelief and thumps his head with his palm
: They're like sponges, Gil, just waiting to absorb. Justin
: [picks up one of the cards
] I want this. Nathan
: You see? Take my advice, forget about Kevin and Taylor, it's too late. Work on Justin. Gil
: Actually, Justin is quite bright. In his preschool class, he was the only...
[Justin picks one of the red dot stickers off the card and puts it in his mouth
: Slow down, Justin. I'll get you some dip.