Bob Pinciotti
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Quotes for
Bob Pinciotti (Character)
from "That '70s Show" (1998)

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"That '70s Show: Christmas (#6.7)" (2003)
[Red has been assigned to be Santa Claus at the mall this year, and is not at all thrilled about it. He and Kitty are at the mall, dressed like Santa and Mrs. Santa. Bob wears elf costume]
Kitty Forman: [chuckles] Okay, Mr. Claus. Let's hear your best Santa laugh!
Reginald "Red" Forman: [dully] Ho, ho.
Bob Pinciotti: You left out a 'ho', Red. It's three ho's, did you even read the Santa manual?
Kitty Forman: Okay Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".
[some time later]
Reginald "Red" Forman: So what do ya want for Christmas?
Young Boy #1: I want a slinky!
Reginald "Red" Forman: A slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a slinky in a day. I'm putting you down for flash cards. Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas.
[the boy gapes]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Next!
Young Girl #1: I want a pony.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Ponies die.
[the girl is shocked]
Reginald "Red" Forman: What you need is a good pair of boots. Go on, keep it moving.
Little Girl #2: I want a flying car.
Reginald "Red" Forman: I did too when I was your age, kid. But then the future came... and took my dreams away. Just like it's gonna take yours.
[the girl gapes]
Kitty Forman: Okay, okay little girl, y'know what? I bet if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.
[Kitty and the girl walk away]
Reginald "Red" Forman: [calling after them] Don't listen to her, it's a lie.
[Kitty turns to Red, glaring at him]
Kitty Forman: [chiding] Bad Santa!

[Red has just finished telling the boy his version of Vietnam War]
Reginald "Red" Forman: ...and that's what really happened in Vietnam.
Young Boy #2: [confused] I don't understand.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [glumly] Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.
Kitty Forman: Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.
[Kitty leads the boy away. The boy turns to her]
Young Boy #2: What's an "ambush"?
Kitty Forman: [smiles] It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.
[Red gets up and approaches Kitty]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty, I gotta tell ya, I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. Y'know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.
Kitty Forman: Well, I'm glad Red, but let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a fire fight.
[Red turns back and sees Bob sitting in his chair, also dressed like Santa Claus. Bob waves to him]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Bob, what the hell are you doing?
Bob Pinciotti: You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney!
Bob Pinciotti: I'm not moving.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [takes off his Santa hat] Kitty, hold my silly red hat.

Reginald "Red" Forman: This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.
Bob Pinciotti: Tell ya what, you name five reindeer and I'll step down.
Reginald "Red" Forman: I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass!
Kitty Forman: [annoyed] Oh for goodness sake, why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it Assmas?
Bob Pinciotti: [gets up, sighing] Fine, I'll go. I only got worked up because Joanne's gone, Donna's working. The only people I have at home are my two friends, Egg and Nog.
[Red sighs and takes off his Santa suit]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Alright, fine. You wanna be Santa, go ahead.
Bob Pinciotti: [sits back] Thanks, Red.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Yeah, it's all for the best. I've already eaten about two pounds of fake beard as it is.
[the young boy returns with a cop. He points accusingly at Bob, mistakes him for Red]
Young Boy #2: There he is! Santa's the one that told me communists hate God.
[confused, Bob looks around]
Reginald "Red" Forman: [smiles] Gotta go, Santa!
[Red walks away, without correcting the boy's mistake of identity]
Kitty Forman: Merry Christmas, Bob.
[Kitty walks away]
Kitty Forman: [mumbles angrily] Mrs. Claus needs a drink.
[the cop approaches Bob, who still does not understand what the kid accused him of]

"That '70s Show: Hunting (#2.13)" (2000)
Eric Forman: So where's Fez?
Bob Pinciotti: Kelso probably shot him.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh, I saw him walking into the woods right after we got here. Said he was going hunting. He had a whistle and a stick!
[starts laughs]
Bob Pinciotti: Ah, crazy foreign bastard.
[Fez walks up to them carrying two dead birds]
Fez: Let's eat.

Fez: I like Midge.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, we all like Midge.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Midge has nice jugs.
Bob Pinciotti: What?
Michael Kelso: What?
Bob Pinciotti: No, you said something.
Michael Kelso: [nervously] No I didn't. So what's up with your hair?

"That '70s Show: I Can't Quit You Babe (#5.2)" (2002)
Bob Pinciotti: She's going to that school and that's final.
Eric Forman: Ok, fine. But know this, I'm prepared to fight this with every fiber of my being.
[Donna walks in wearing her school uniform]
Eric Forman: On the other hand, you can't put a price on a good education.

Kitty Forman: We are very disappointed in you, Eric. Even though going to California to rescue Donna is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard of.
Bob Pinciotti: That's true. If he had gone by horse, they would have made it a movie.

"That '70s Show: The Velvet Rope (#2.3)" (1999)
Midge Pinciotti: Donna, your negativity is bruising our auras. Please leave.
Donna Pinciotti: Gladly.
Bob Pinciotti: Oh, and honey, we're also exploring tantric sex. So if you here any strange noises coming from Mommy and Daddy's bedroom...
Donna Pinciotti: Ew! Why must you guys freak me out on a daily basis?

"That '70s Show: I Can See for Miles (#6.11)" (2004)
Bob Pinciotti: [Bob gives Red a gift] Your welcome big guy.
Reginald "Red" Forman: What's this for?
Bob Pinciotti: No reason I have been thinking about you and how much we have been through a lot.
Reginald "Red" Forman: No we haven't.
[Opens box and finds out Bob gave him shoes.]
Kitty Forman: Oh he gave you shoes. What do you say Red?
Reginald "Red" Forman: [To Bob] What the hell's wrong with you?
Kitty Forman: Or we say thank you very much.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [To Bob] Don't you think it's a little odd for a man to be giving another man a pair of shoes?
Bob Pinciotti: I saw them. I thought they would go nice with your tan pants.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Quit thinking about my pants. My legs and what covers them is my business.

"That '70s Show: Who Wants It More? (#3.11)" (2001)
Bob Pinciotti: Red, Red I'm so sorry It was an accident.
Reginald "Red" Forman: I never thought I'd say this. I'm glad you're my friend.
[Red hugs Bob]
Bob Pinciotti: Red I never thought I'd say this you smell nice.

"That '70s Show: Hot Dog (#5.7)" (2002)
[about Kitty's menopause]
Red Forman: Jesus Christ. What can I do about it? She's insane.
Bob Pinciotti: You know, you should get her a banjo.
Red Forman: What?
Bob Pinciotti: You can't hold a banjo and not smile!
Red Forman: Bob, you can't hold a potato chip and not smile.
Bob Pinciotti: [smiles]

"That '70s Show: We're Not Gonna Take It (#6.6)" (2003)
[Bob is depressed since Joanne broke up with him. To cheer him up, Donna and Jackie sent him anonymously a nice basket of fudge]
Bob Pinciotti: [cheerfully] Guess what, girls. I got fudge.
[Donna and Jackie feign they have no idea who sent it]
Donna Pinciotti: [smiles] Fudge? What a surprise! Who is it from?
[Bob finds a note inside the basket]
Bob Pinciotti: It didn't say, but there is a poem: "Roses are red, violets are blue, fudge is sweet, here's some fudge".
[Donna looks critically at Jackie for the lousy rhyme. Jackie is slightly embarrassed]
Jackie Burkhart: [whispers to Donna] They rushed me.

"That '70s Show: That '70s Pilot (#1.1)" (1998)
Bob Pinciotti: Red, a Toyota?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Yeah, it's mine. I tell you the last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.

"That '70s Show: The Keg (#1.6)" (1998)
Kitty Forman: Now who would like a drink?
Bob Pinciotti: Oooh, let's do daiquiris, huh?
Kitty Forman: Oooh, I don't know if we have enough ice. Eric took a whole tubful.
Reginald "Red" Forman: He took a tub of ice?
Kitty Forman: Oh, the kids are making a volcano.
Midge Pinciotti: Right, that's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Plastic cups?
Midge Pinciotti: Sure, plastic volcano cups!

"That '70s Show: Jackie Bags Hyde (#3.8)" (2000)
Bob Pinciotti: Sparkler dogs! God bless America!