Steven Hyde
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Quotes for
Steven Hyde (Character)
from "That '70s Show" (1998)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"That '70s Show: Can't You Hear Me Knocking (#7.13)" (2005)
Eric Forman: Poor little tough guy hiding behind his bluster
Steven Hyde: Shut up Forman, I'm fine!
Michael Kelso: Sounds like someone needs a tickle
Fez: No I'm okay
Eric Forman: We're your best friends and we're not going to let you go through this alone
Michael Kelso: Eric's right
[climbs over the couch]
Michael Kelso: we're going to do something that guys do
Fez: A massage train?
Michael Kelso: No
[to Hyde]
Michael Kelso: so we got you a present
Michael Kelso: [The circle] This is a great present guys, I especially like the teeny white paper you wrapped it in
Michael Kelso: The Russians have a Russian death ray aimed at the White house, I read it in a magazine
Eric Forman: That was the Flash and it is a comic book
Fez: I love comic books, sometimes I wish I had thought bubbles, do you see anything?
Steven Hyde: The Russians don't have a death ray man but they do have a stupid ray and its pointed at your head
Michael Kelso: They do have a death ray and I'll prove it, where's the phone?
Eric Forman: Kelso I'm not allowed to make long distance calls without permission
Michael Kelso: They've got me on hold, oh and they're playing the theme song to the President
Eric Forman: Hail to the chief
Michael Kelso: Thank you Eric but I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song

Fez: If Hyde's right and the Feds are outside, we have to dispose of the evidence
Eric Forman: [The second circle] Good job disposing of the evidence guys
Michael Kelso: Eric you better take this seriously, we have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than at the Pink Floyd concert
Fez: Without all the smoke machines and lasers this is just like punishment
Steven Hyde: I never thought I'd say this but I wish I had more people to share this with

Steven Hyde: [The third circle] This is our third circle today and it hasn't calmed me down at all!
Fez: I can't be sent back to my home country, my parents would be ashamed, I'd get stoned and then they'd throw rocks at me
Eric Forman: I think we all need to settle down! Just settle down! Who's yelling! Who is yelling!

Eric Forman: The Feds wouldn't park a car right outside my house
Steven Hyde: Everything you think the Government aren't doing, they are doing, the only thing they didn't do was land man on the moon, Spielberg shot the whole thing in a Hollywood movie set, that's how he got the job for Jaws!

Eric Forman: Kelso if you tell the White house there's a death ray, they're going to have you committed, I say go for it
Michael Kelso: Of course they're not going to admit it, I got to trick them into saying it, its what cops call
[uses air quotes]
Michael Kelso: tricking them
[on the phone]
Michael Kelso: hello white house, I have a few questions, how well is the President protected? Because someone wants to hurt the President, damn right its a threat, a threat on the President's life! Where am I now? I'm at Red Forman's house in Point place
Eric Forman: No!
[Eric and Hyde hang up the phone]
Steven Hyde: You idiot! You just told them where we are, they're going to come here and arrest us
Michael Kelso: They should arrest the Russians, they're the ones with the death ray!
Fez: You didn't mention the death ray!
Michael Kelso: Ah ha! So you admit there is a death ray!

Eric Forman: [to a vacuum they think has a bug in it] You're looking for Michael Kelso
Michael Kelso: Quit it
Eric Forman: No this whole thing is your fault.
Michael Kelso: If its anyone's fault, its Hyde's because he got dumped by Jackie so we had to be nice to him
Fez: Go easy on the kid! Breaking up with Jackie was the biggest mistake he ever made, remember we were talking about it behind his back!
Steven Hyde: Shut up Fez, if I want to hear your advice, I'll kick you in the nads
Fez: Oh in that case my advice is please don't kick me in the nads
Eric Forman: [in a loud voice] Maybe the Feds have some advice, remember they're listening with the
[whispers]
Eric Forman: V-A-C-U-U-M
Steven Hyde: [They look puzzled for a little bit] It spells Vacuum.
Michael Kelso: Vacuum has two U's in it, that's messed up

Steven Hyde: Seriously Jackie don't you have something to say?
Jackie Burkhart: Like what?
Steven Hyde: I don't know, I'm a spoilt, crazy whack job and I'm sorry
Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady
Michael Kelso: Especially a spoilt crazy whack job, that's likely to get you killed
Reginald "Red" Forman: [entering] Oh my god, there's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even that's going to ruin my day
Eric Forman: Yes only one and one man only has the power to do that, tis I
Reginald "Red" Forman: No not even you can do that and who the hell talks like that
Kitty Forman: Red, honey you were happy remember?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing
Kitty Forman: I'll come too, I'll grab my fishing stick
Reginald "Red" Forman: I don't want to go
Kitty Forman: Why not?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Because I don't want you to go
Michael Kelso: [using a golf stick like a shotgun] Burn

Fez: [They think a van parked across the street is the FBI] Its just a dog catcher van
Steven Hyde: That's what they want you to think man
Michael Kelso: Yeah a real dog catcher van wouldn't say dog catchers because otherwise the dogs would see it and run away
Fez: I can hear dogs inside
Steven Hyde: Its obviously a recording, alright, on the count of three, one, two, three
[They open the doors releasing a bunch of dogs]
Steven Hyde: I don't know if its the fresh air talking but I'm beginning to think this entire thing is just our imagination
Eric Forman: I think we need to let this whole imagination thing go
[almost hits Fez with his red plastic light saber]
Eric Forman: Whoa, watch out, I almost cut you right in half there man

Steven Hyde: [Fourth circle] The Feds have ruined the circle man
Michael Kelso: The circle's what's keeping us sharp, if it wasn't for the circle, we wouldn't have known the Feds were after us, planning our every move, I say thank you for the circle

Steven Hyde: [Eric is carrying a red plastic light saber] You know that's not a real weapon?
Eric Forman: I know
Steven Hyde: Not even if you really, really believe
Eric Forman: I don't
[Hyde walks away]
Eric Forman: Don't let me down baby
[He kisses the light saber]

Steven Hyde: Kelso finally figures out how to use a phone and we're all going to jail!
Eric Forman: Maybe its not them, I mean the Feds wouldn't park a car right outside my house
Steven Hyde: Everything you think the Government's not doing, they are doing, the only thing they didn't do was land man on the moon, Spielberg shot the whole thing in a Hollywood movie set, that's how he got the job for Jaws!

Steven Hyde: This is starting to feel like work, the Feds have ruined the circle man
Michael Kelso: The circle's what's keeping us sharp, if it wasn't for the circle, we wouldn't have known the Feds were after us, planning our every move, I say thank you for the circle


"That '70s Show: Over the Hills and Far Away (#5.6)" (2002)
Kitty Forman: Do you have to breathe so much, it's like a sauna in here
Eric Forman: Alright, you heard the lady, no more breathing
Kitty Forman: I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much, there's a difference
Fez: [to Red] For crazy people
Reginald "Red" Forman: Hey Ali Baba, close sesame
Steven Hyde: Red you missed the exit
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh damn, Eric you're supposed to be watching the map, what are you doing?
Eric Forman: [He holds up the map which he folded into a crown] Making you a crown because you're king of the road!
Fez: I need to go to the bathroom
Steven Hyde: Can you turn up the radio?
Michael Kelso: First down, touchdown!
Kitty Forman: WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!

Reginald "Red" Forman: Before we hit the road we need to talk about the horrible thing that has taken over your mother.
Eric Forman: Oh you mean her change of life?
Steven Hyde: I thought we were calling it the lady parts problem.
Reginald "Red" Forman: It goes by many names, it's a tricky enemy, I haven't been this frosty since Korea and like a Commie it can jump out at any moment and attack.
Kitty Forman: [off-screen] Red, honey.
Steven Hyde: Take cover!
Eric Forman: Retreat!

Eric Forman: So I told my girlfriend we could go to different schools, everyone does that right?
Lisa: My boyfriend and I have been going to different schools for three years and now we love each other more than ever.
Eric Forman: And I bet when you get together, it's like a thunderstorm.
Ted: [to Lisa] Hey pretty lady.
[She kisses him]
Eric Forman: Excuse me, hello? Didn't you just say you have a boyfriend?
Lisa: Yeah but he's not here
Eric Forman: [to Hyde] I told Donna we could go to different schools, if Donna doesn't hate Marquette, we're screwed
Steven Hyde: Who cares man? I just turned down a half drunk college chick, I'm pretty sure she could do stuff

Melanie: That is a great beard, I've never made out with a guy with a beard before.
Steven Hyde: Well today is your lucky day.
Melanie: You want to go up to my room?
Steven Hyde: Absolutely.
[she grabs his arm but he doesn't move]
Steven Hyde: Actually, I can't.
Melanie: If you change your mind, me and a few of the other girls will be in the shower.
[she leaves]
Fez: [to Melanie] I can go! My name is Fez! Don't pretend you don't see me!
Steven Hyde: What did I just do man? I turned down a sure thing because of Jackie.
Fez: And you don't know what she's doing at Marquette. Or who.
Steven Hyde: Shut up!
Fez: I bet if she was doing it, you would cry because you love her.
Steven Hyde: If you don't shut up, you're gonna to become the first person to touch his chin to his ass.
Fez: Have you been spying on me!

Steven Hyde: Mrs. Forman, college isn't for me. I do my learning on the streets.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Steven you're a smart kid. If you apply yourself, you can go to college too
Steven Hyde: You don't trust me alone around the house?
Reginald "Red" Forman: See how smart you are.
Kitty Forman: My baby boy is all grown up and off visiting college. I am so frickin old!
Eric Forman: And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.

Ted: Visitor's week is great. There's a dorm party, tons of beer, tons of chicks.
Steven Hyde: Hey man all I need is one beer and two chicks.

Fez: Hyde I meant to tell you.
[sings]
Fez: Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree making love like two monkeys.
Steven Hyde: Will you shut up man, that's not even how it goes.
Fez: Is it making you mad?
Steven Hyde: Yeah.
Fez: Then that's how it goes.

Michael Kelso: This place is awesome, look they've even got dirty cartoons on the wall.
Steven Hyde: Kelso, those are CPR instructions.
Michael Kelso: I've done CPR a lot.


"That '70s Show: Eric's Burger Job (#1.5)" (1998)
Ricky: Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?
Eric: I think it will be a wonderful experience.
Michael Kelso: My girlfriend's dad owns it.
Fez: I love the uniforms.
Steven Hyde: To unionize the workers, man.
Ricky: What do you consider to be your best quality?
Eric: I'm a real people person.
Steven Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Michael Kelso: My eyes. Oh and I guess my butt too.
Ricky: Name something about yourself that is a weakness.
Eric: I allow people to boss me around.
Fez: I love chocolate.
Steven Hyde: I'm brutally honest. Pinhead.
Michael Kelso: Um...
[falls backwards on chair]
Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: Covered in gold chains.
Michael Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No, yeah rock star.
Steven Hyde: Prison.

Eric: Hey would you guys respect me if I got a job at the town dump?
Donna Pinciotti: Town dump no? State dump? why are you getting a job anyway?
Eric: Everything costs money, gas, clothes, fun
Michael Kelso: Dates, dates cost money
Fez: No Kelso that is prostitution
Steven Hyde: Dates are prostitution man , except you don't always get what you paid for
Donna Pinciotti: Says the man who's never had a girlfriend
Steven Hyde: Hey you guys remember Andra the biker chick?
Eric: Whatever happened to her?
Steven Hyde: [proud] She's dating my uncle

Jackie Burkhart: I just want to listen to the guitar solo one more time.
Steven Hyde: Not again put the headphones on
[Jackie holds up the cord and plugs it in then puts on the headphones]
Steven Hyde: Now wrap it around your neck.

Jackie Burkhart: Wait so your parents are going to be out of town?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah it's just going to be me alone Saturday, well I'm babysitting my sister Tina; I'll watch some TV, maybe order a pizza
Michael Kelso: Let's have a party, a toga party
Jackie Burkhart: Michael maybe she doesn't want to have a party, maybe she wants to be alone
Donna Pinciotti: Well it'd just be me but if someone happens to come by, that'll be cool
Michael Kelso: Party at Donna's
Fez: Donna I've never been to an American party, may I come?
Donna Pinciotti: I don't care, so Eric will you be there?
Eric: Eric:
[not looking up from the newspaper]
Eric: Yeah, sure
Jackie Burkhart: [Donna leaves the basement and Jackie smacks Eric and Kelso across the back of the head] You are both so stupid
Steven Hyde: That's a first, I actually agree with Jackie
[to Eric]
Steven Hyde: she totally put on a full court press man and you dropped the ball
Eric: What are you talking about, all she said was she's going to be alone Saturday, order a pizza, oh my God, I'm so stupid

Steven Hyde: So big party?
Donna Pinciotti: [sarcastically] Whoopee
Steven Hyde: I can't believe Forman missed all those signals
Donna Pinciotti: What signals?
Steven Hyde: [in a girly voice] Oh poor me, all alone in my big house, just me in my nightie, if only some scrawny little neighbor boy would come over
Donna Pinciotti: He's not scrawny, why am I even talking to you about this?
Steven Hyde: Because I'm all you've got
Donna Pinciotti: [lying down on the couch embarrassed] So everyone knows! All I wanted was some time alone with him
Steven Hyde: And how does that make you feel?
Donna Pinciotti: Frustrated, its frustrating as hell
Steven Hyde: Do you have trouble sleeping at night?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, Sometimes
Steven Hyde: Do you think you'd sleep easier if you had a scrawny little neighbour boy next to you?

Steven Hyde: Hello my minimum wage friend, I demand service
Eric: Welcome to fatso burger, how may I serve you?
Steven Hyde: That is so sad man
Michael Kelso: Jackie I've been racking my brain trying to thinking of why this guy didn't hire me
Jackie Burkhart: Michael I'm so sick of hearing this, you've still got me
Michael Kelso: I'm good looking and he's jealous, this body's a curse!
Jackie Burkhart: If you worked you wouldn't be able to see me whenever I wanted lover
[They kiss]
Fez: Please stop touching, it gives me needs

Donna Pinciotti: Hey Fez
Fez: Hello Donna, now tell me which one of these ladies is easy?
Tina Pinciotti: Donna your creepy friends are playing with Dad's stereo
Fez: [to unseen characters] Guys you can't go in the house
Donna Pinciotti: [to Tina] Hello pretty lady with the eyes like the sea
Tina Pinciotti: Hi
Steven Hyde: She's not a pretty lady, she's my sister and she's 14
Fez: You know in my country
Steven Hyde: It's illegal here


"That '70s Show: Ramble On (#5.5)" (2002)
[to Eric]
Michael Kelso: Man, that is one big bad-ass ring. Hey, maybe people will think that you won the Super Bowl.
Steven Hyde: Nah, nobody will believe that. But he could be the sick little boy that the whole team rallies around.

Eric Forman: [looking at the man ring] My girlfriend has bad taste
Fez: Well she is dating you
Eric Forman: What was she thinking?
Steven Hyde: Forman you got to expect this man, I mean look at her Dad, the apple doesn't fall far from the bob

Jackie Burkhart: You're mad at me for telling Donna Eric's secret, I tell secrets, that's who I am
Steven Hyde: All I know is if you're going to be my girlfriend, you can't go shooting off your big fat cheerleader mouth
Jackie Burkhart: Wait you just called me your girlfriend
Steven Hyde: No I didn't
Jackie Burkhart: Yes you did
Steven Hyde: No I didn't
Jackie Burkhart: Yes you did
Steven Hyde: No I didn't
Jackie Burkhart: Yes you did, shut up you're ruining it
[moving to his bed]
Jackie Burkhart: listen I'll stop telling secrets if you admit I'm your girlfriend
Steven Hyde: No the price is too high
Jackie Burkhart: I'm going to tell everyone everything anyway starting with you called me your girlfriend
Steven Hyde: You're blackmailing me now? you're coming along nicely
[They kiss]

Eric Forman: How can I lose a 25 pound ring?
Michael Kelso: I once lost a six foot rubber chili dog, I still haven't found it, it's just gone!
Eric Forman: Hyde this is all your fault, you told Jackie I didn't like the ring
Michael Kelso: Hyde stabbed you in the back, no, he wouldn't do a thing like that, like he didn't steal Jackie from me, oh, wait a minute!
Steven Hyde: [To Eric] Look man I told her not to tell
Eric Forman: And I told you not to tell
Michael Kelso: [To Hyde] You and Jackie are gossiping now, the more you go out, the more like each other, you become
Eric Forman: Who knows what you and your little girlfriend are going to be up to in a couple of months
Jackie Burkhart: [Fantasy sequence] 2,4.6.8, who do we appreciate! Go team!
Steven Hyde: 2,4.6.8, who do we appreciate! Go team! Jackie I heard the best piece of gossip, Eric Forman doesn't have any school spirit
Jackie Burkhart: I'm telling everyone
Steven Hyde: Too late I already did
Steven Hyde: First of all Jackie's not my girlfriend and second of all I'm not the only one who spills stuff around here
Eric Forman: You're right, hey Kelso, Hyde watches Little House on the Prarie
Michael Kelso: [laughs] Little house on the prarie?
Steven Hyde: It reminds me of a simpler time

Michael Kelso: [Kelso's superhero fantasy]
Michael Kelso: [As Batman] Okay super pals I'm gonna need a status report
Steven Hyde: [As a wonder twin, stops making out with Jackie] My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe
Fez: [As Aquaman] The oceans are secure but I can't check for another 45 minutes because I just ate
Eric Forman: [As Superman entering with Donna as Wonder Woman] Hey guys
Michael Kelso: Oh no, you've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideous ring
Donna Pinciotti: Actually its a gift
Steven Hyde: Form of worst gift ever
[Holds his fist out to the side]
Jackie Burkhart: [As the other wonder twin] Shape up, I hope he kept the receipt
Eric Forman: Alien zombies are attacking the Earth, lets swing into action gang
Michael Kelso: Hold it, we're still on this ring
Steven Hyde: Are you sure its not an alien artifact?
Donna Pinciotti: I got it at the mall
Reginald "Red" Forman: Greetings dumbasses
Eric Forman: Oh, oh, its Dr Bald
Reginald "Red" Forman: My army of alien zombies is invading, good lord that is an ugly ring, alien zombies get a load of that ring
Eric Forman: That's it, this thing's coming off
Steven Hyde: Careful man, you drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation, we'll all go crashing into the sun
Michael Kelso: Yeah way to use science in a burn


"That '70s Show: After Glow (#2.17)" (2000)
Steven Hyde: Eric, I've been thinking about your problem with Donna. After hours of careful consideration, it still makes me laugh.

Steven Hyde: See Fez, you take all the partially consumed drinks. You mix them together to form one giant Uber-drink. In this case, Tom Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise On The Beach!

Steven Hyde: I think Donna and Forman finally made the beast with two backs
Eric Forman: Well, Hyde, I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no, but... I'm especially not saying no!

Steven Hyde: Look, Forman, if God had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man!


"That '70s Show: That '70s Pilot (#1.1)" (1998)
Eric Forman: If my dad catches me copping beers he'll kill me.
Steven Hyde: I'm willing to take that risk.

Steven Hyde: [The first circle] Is Red still thinking of giving you the car man ?
Michael Kelso: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need serious gas money because the Cruiser's a boat
Eric Forman: I know the cruiser's a boat, this whole gas shortage bites
Fez: Who's getting a boat?
Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as gas shortage man, its all set up by the government, everything's controlled by the oil companies like I heard about this guy who invented a car that runs on water man, its fiber glass, air cooled and it runs on water!
Fez: So it is a boat?
Steven Hyde: No its a car but instead of gas you put water in the tank
Michael Kelso: [laughing] I haven't heard of this car, hey Jackie's good for gas money
Eric Forman: You are such a whore
Fez: When does the boat get here whore?

Steven Hyde: [The first circle] Is Red still thinking of giving you the car maybe ?
Michael Kelso: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need serious gas money because the Cruiser's a boat
Eric Forman: I know the cruiser's a boat, this whole gas shortage bites
Fez: Who's getting a boat?
Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as gas shortage man, its all fake, the oil companies control everything like I heard about this guy who invented a car that runs on water man, its got a fiber glass, air cooled engine and it runs on water!
Fez: So it is a boat?
Steven Hyde: No its a car only you put water in the tank instead of gas
Michael Kelso: [laughing] I haven't heard of this car, hey Jackie's good for gas money
Eric Forman: You are such a whore
Fez: When does the boat get here whore?

[first scene of the series: May 17, 1976. 8:47 p.m. The gang is at the Formans' basement]
Steven Hyde: Eric, it is time.
Eric Forman: Why don't you do it?
Steven Hyde: It's your house.
Michael Kelso: Your house!
Steven Hyde: [points upward] Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass. In ten minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.
Eric Forman: If my dad catches me copping beers, he'll kill me!
Steven Hyde: I'm willing to take that risk.
Michael Kelso: Don't worry about it! Just remain calm, keep moving...
Donna Pinciotti: And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.
Eric Forman: What's wrong with your dad's hair?
Donna Pinciotti: Just don't look at it.
Steven Hyde: [grabs Eric's face] And Eric: cold. Definitely cold.
[Eric nods. Hyde pats him on the shoulder. Eric begins to run up the stairs. He pauses, looks back down, and continues]


"That '70s Show: I'm a Boy (#6.8)" (2004)
Kitty Forman: You have been such a big help, working yourself nearly to death. I made you your special sandwich.
Eric Forman: Awww. The 'Eric McSweety'.
Steven Hyde: It's a regular sandwich, hold the masculinity.

Steven Hyde: No, no, man, there is no way I'm going on a date with your ex-girlfriend who's now my girlfriend and your new girlfriend who doesn't want to be your girlfriend, but is pregnant with your child. That's like, hillbilly territory.
Michael Kelso: I'll pay.
Steven Hyde: I'm in.

Jackie Burkhart: So, hey, maybe a good way to break the ice would be for everyone to tell a few things about themself. I'll go first. I like make-up and diets, and Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
Brooke: Okay, well, I was valedictorian in my class, I run marathons, and I tutor kids in Latin.
Michael Kelso: Well, I egged a valedictorian of my class. And a marathon runner Oh, and some kids that took Latin!
Steven Hyde: This is fun.

[Eric and Donna just had sex]
Eric Forman: You know what I have right in the palm of my hand?
Steven Hyde: No one wants to know that, just wash up.


"That '70s Show: Eric Gets Suspended (#2.9)" (1999)
Hyde: Hey, I got a B in Spanish... I didn't even know I was taking Spanish.
Eric: [Moments later] Donna! You're smoking a cigarette.
Hyde: Even worse, man. It's a menthol!

Hyde: The blonde's blonde and hot.
Fez: Yes, and since I set us up on this date she is mine, right?
Hyde: Well, I can see why you'd think that. But, actually, since I came along to help you out, American custom dictates that I get the blonde.
Fez: Once again the local custom bones the foreign guy.

Hyde: Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.
Michael Kelso: Wow, back up. Why'd he get suspended?
Donna Pinciotti: Because he's stupid.
Michael Kelso: [terrified] They can do that?


"That '70s Show: Stolen Car (#1.14)" (1999)
Eric Forman: [Kelso has borrowed a car from his cousin, Sully] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael Kelso: Maybe he's, like, religious or something.
Steven Hyde: Wasn't Sully in prison for arson?
Michael Kelso: Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God, too, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?
Fez: Sully must love bingo.
Eric Forman: All right. I'm starting to think that this isn't Sully's car.
Michael Kelso: Then whose car is it?
[Police siren wails behind them and they stare forward in shock]

Steven Hyde: I can't talk to cops, man. I go insane with rage.

Steven Hyde: So what do you guys wanna do?
Eric Forman: We could walk to the Hub.
Steven Hyde: Too far.
Eric Forman: We could walk to...
Steven Hyde: Too far.


"That '70s Show: Canadian Road Trip (#3.23)" (2001)
Steven Hyde: We're part of an elite, high school terrorist team. The Strike Force Wisconsin!

Eric: Okay, guys. Road trip checklist. Car: Check. Okay. We're good.
Fez: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Steven Hyde: Well, the beer is stronger, and as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez: Then let's haul ass to Canada!
Eric: Okay. Shh. Fez. If my dad finds out that we're going to Canada uh, for beer, no less, he's gonna start killing people, okay? People like us. So keep it down.
Michael Kelso: [Runs up to the guys] All right! Canada! Whoo-hoo! Beer!
[blows his horn]
Eric: Kelso, you're not going.
Michael Kelso: What? Why not?
Steven Hyde: Because this is a risky mission and you tend to screw these things up.
Michael Kelso: That is a damnable lie!
Eric: Okay. Kelso, remember that time we were gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridwell's door, and you lit it in the car on the way over?
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I wanted to see it all flamey.
Eric: And then you panicked and stepped on it.
Michael Kelso: Eric, it was on fire!
Eric: Okay, You're not going.
Michael Kelso: No, no, no. Fine. I won't use the air horn, and I'll pay for the gas and the beer
Eric: I can't stay mad at you... Come on, you big lug.
Leo: [already sitting in the backseat of the car] Hey, dudes.
Steven Hyde: Leo, man, what are you doin' here?
Leo: Sittin'. What are you doin' here?
Steven Hyde: We're goin' to Canada to buy beer.
Leo: Canada? Cool, man. I spent some time up there during 'Nam.
Eric: Oh, conscientious objector, huh?
Leo: No. I didn't mind. Hey, a road trip sounds good, man, but I don't want nothin' to do with that beer. That stuff will mess with your mind, man.

[to the Mounties]
Steven Hyde: You got us. We're here to take over your country.


"That '70s Show: Hunting (#2.13)" (2000)
Steven Hyde: So you caught those birds with just a whistle and a stick? Very impressive, Fez.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, you know, that's a good way to hunt. Because even if you don't get anything, you still have all the fun of a whistle and a stick.

Fez: I like Midge.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, we all like Midge.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Midge has nice jugs.
Bob Pinciotti: What?
Michael Kelso: What?
Bob Pinciotti: No, you said something.
Michael Kelso: [nervously] No I didn't. So what's up with your hair?

[about Red]
Steven Hyde: You know, he's never really warmed up to you.
Eric Forman: Going on 17 years now.


"That '70s Show: Ice Shack (#3.10)" (2001)
Leo: Wow, business really picked up with those "Buy one get one free coupons."
Steven Hyde: Yeah, because you forgot the "buy one" part.

Leo: I can't drive since my license got suspended.
Steven Hyde: What'd you do, man?
Leo: I dropped it in a glass of water and it just hung there... suspended. And while I was looking at it I ran a red light.

Steven Hyde: [Got pulled over by police and thought the bag Leo had was filled with illegal drugs] Dog food?
Leo: Yeah... oh wait. I mean if the dog food is in this bag then wheres... oh wow, I gotta check on my dog man!


"That '70s Show: Jackie Moves On (#2.22)" (2000)
Steven Hyde: Boy Laurie, you really like that hot dog... you didn't even chew it!

Laurie Forman: Hey, Hyde. Going home, so you could ask another guy "Are you my daddy"?
Steven Hyde: Hey, Laurie. The surgeon general called, he told you to stop hording all the penicillin.
Laurie Forman: You know, you should watch your table manners. Because when you're in prison, that would just really turn on some guy named "Tank".
Steven Hyde: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you could ask him to take it easy on me.
Laurie Forman: Oh, yeah? Well... Nice hair.
Steven Hyde: Awww, Laurie... Are you out of put downs?
Laurie Forman: Yeah...

Laurie Forman: Well, that's not as bad as when I walked in on you in bed with your Dorthy Hammil poster and you were all...
Eric Forman: LAURIE WAS BORN WITH A TAIL!
Steven Hyde: What?
Eric Forman: Yea! Laurie was born with a tail!
Laurie Forman: Yea! Laurie was born with a tail!


"That '70s Show: Baby Fever (#3.7)" (2000)
[Kelso finds out Jackie smashed his van]
Michael Kelso: How did this happen, Jackie, how?
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, like I said...
Michael Kelso: How?
Jackie Burkhart: Coming out of the drive...
Michael Kelso: [yells] HOW?
Steven Hyde: Kelso. Come on man, relax. Let those of us who aren't you enjoy this moment.
Fez: Besides, it's not all that bad. This door still works.
[Fez tries to open the remaining back door, and it falls off]
Eric Forman: Hey, Jackie. What happened to the other door?
Jackie Burkhart: Other door?
Eric Forman: Yeah, you know, the thing that always got in the way... of this giant, gaping hole.

Michael Kelso: You owe me money.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Michael Kelso: Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The... shag carpeting, uh... eight track, strobe light, black light, red light.
Jackie Burkhart: I hate you!
Michael Kelso: Well, I hate you more!
Jackie Burkhart: I hate you most!
Michael Kelso: Well, I hate you the... damn it!
Steven Hyde: All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is - a divorce.
Fez: Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.
Steven Hyde: All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.
Jackie Burkhart: Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
Michael Kelso: I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
Steven Hyde: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Michael Kelso: Right.
Steven Hyde: [takes a notepad and starts writing] All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie Burkhart: Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Michael Kelso: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.
[Kelso takes off his shirt and gives it to Jackie]
Fez: [takes the notepad from Hyde] Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso... uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Michael Kelso: Well... uh... w... one time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky.
[angrily, Jackie slaps Kelso on his bare chest]
Michael Kelso: And... and... Hyde, help me out here.
Steven Hyde: Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
Michael Kelso: Hyde!
Steven Hyde: Dude, you burned her house.

[Kelso is sitting on the couch, wearing only his underwears, shivering cold. Hyde is still calculating what Jackie and Kelso owe each other. Fez is playing with a yo-yo]
Michael Kelso: I'm cold.
Fez: That must be why your nipples are so pointy.
[Kelso slaps Fez's arm]
Fez: Oh, pointy nipple man is mad. I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples.
Steven Hyde: All right, that was really disturbing. Okay. Here we go. According to my calculations, for repairs to the van: Jackie, you owe Kelso $ 65.
Michael Kelso: [triumphantly] Aha! Justice!
Steven Hyde: Yeah. And, Kelso, you owe Jackie... $ 8,265.
[Kelso is shocked to hear that]
Jackie Burkhart: [triumphantly] Aha! Pay up, moocher!
Michael Kelso: Wha-wha... no, no. This is... that's totally unfair! Hyde, you suck.
Steven Hyde: You could have been a man and forgiven her. But no. You wanted to do the math.
Michael Kelso: Man, math has never been my friend. Wait. No. But she had other guys in my van!
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, YOU had other girls in your van while we were dating! So, give me my $ 8,000!
Michael Kelso: Okay. I change my mind. I forgive you.
[Jackie glares at Kelso]


"That '70s Show: The Career Day (#1.18)" (1999)
Michael Kelso: In the morning my dad and I picked the carrots fresh off the trees
Steven Hyde: Kelso, that's... that's good, go with that.

Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the Food Service Industry. May I cut the cheese?
Edna Hyde: [to Hyde] Is he kidding?
Steven Hyde: We can never tell.
Edna Hyde: Well, knock yourself out, but if you cut off a finger, you're outta here.


"That '70s Show: Uncomfortable Ball Stuff (#4.7)" (2001)
[about Fez]
Leo: I don't like what's going on here, man. That little dude's making us all look bad. I'm afraid the boss is gonna fire me.
Steven Hyde: Leo, you are the boss.

[Fez needs money to buy new shoes]
Leo: Just do what I do and steal money from the register when the boss ain't looking.
Steven Hyde: Again, Leo, you are the boss.
Leo: And I'm not looking.
[Hyde takes some money from the register and gives it to Fez]


"That '70s Show: Eric's Naughty No-no (#3.19)" (2001)
[the circle]
Michael Kelso: Honesty's cool, man. It's like I can do anything wrong and then ask for forgiveness, and then I'm good again. I mean, someone should invent a religion like that.
Eric Forman: Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, they were way, way above average?
Steven Hyde: Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
[Hyde snickers]
Fez: What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
Michael Kelso: See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, is from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything.
Fez: Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are all small in the pants.
Steven Hyde: [in serious voice] Kelso, this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie, and I'll help you. 'Cause all's I really want is for you to be happy.
[Hyde smiles slyly]

[Hyde, Jackie and Fez are listening to Kelso]
Michael Kelso: Okay, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest about that I feel like you should know.
Jackie Burkhart: [nods] Okay.
[Jackie looks at Hyde and Fez]
Jackie Burkhart: Why are they here?
Michael Kelso: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Hyde smiles]
Michael Kelso: So, anyway, I made a list.
Steven Hyde: [to Jackie] The list was my idea.
Michael Kelso: Thank you for that, Hyde. Okay, so let's just get started. Um, that picture you saw of me in kindergarten? Those weren't puffy pants. It was a big boy diaper.
[Hyde and Fez chuckle. Some time later:]
Michael Kelso: ...and that time you came out of the shower, and you thought you saw a flash? I did take your picture. This one time you asked me if you had anything in your teeth? And you did, but I said no, 'cause it's funnier that way.
[Hyde is enjoying. Jackie's expression becomes more and more sour. Some time later:]
Michael Kelso: ...when we were about to fool around, and I said that I washed my hands? But really I just got done playing with like six dogs.
[Jackie looks at Hyde, who barely suppresses his laughter. Fez looks disgusted]
Michael Kelso: But that's not as bad...
Jackie Burkhart: [sharply] All right, Michael, stop! Okay, Michael, I think we need to work on selective honesty.
Fez: [disgusted] Yes, that and basic hygiene. Seriously, good God, man.
[Fez leaves]
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, Michael, unless one of your secrets involves kissing a girl, I don't need to know about it.
[Jackie walks to the door]
Michael Kelso: Okay. All right.
Michael Kelso: [to Hyde] Oh, science fact. Dogs are cleaner than humans.
[Kelso and Jackie leave]


"That '70s Show: Moon Over Point Place (#2.26)" (2000)
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now, I love you!
Hyde: Oh my God, will you shut up?

[at Leo's photo hut, Jackie is talking to Leo while he looks at photos]
Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah, there's a lot of things about Steven that I used to not like. But now, I really like. Like... well, I thought his pork chop sideburns were a sign that he was poor and dirty and living in a shack. But then... but then I realized that Elvis had sideburns and he lived in Graceland. Well, that was an eye-opener...
[Hyde enters]
Jackie Burkhardt: There he is! Hi Steven!
Hyde: [to Leo] What is she doing here?
Leo: I think she is hitting on me, man. But I ain't interested. Tell her I ain't interested and make her go away.
Jackie Burkhardt: Hitting on you? I'm not hitting on you, you relic!
Leo: Hey, name calling is no way to win someone's heart.
Jackie Burkhardt: What are you talking about?
Leo: What are you talking about?
Jackie Burkhardt: What are you talking about?
Leo: What are you talking about?
Jackie Burkhardt: What are you talking about?
[Hyde leaves]
Leo: What are you talking about?
Jackie Burkhardt: Great! Now he got away! Steven!
[Jackie goes after Hyde]
Leo: [to himself] What was she talking about?


"That '70s Show: Ski Trip (#1.13)" (1999)
Steven Hyde: Man, I can't wait! A trip to my favorite place. Anywhere but here!

Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the gym!
Steven Hyde: Everyone!


"That '70s Show: Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die (#3.4)" (2000)
Michael Kelso: You want to see Fez and Eric run around? Someone might get hurt, it's funny when people get hurt.
Steven Hyde: Especially when their in there underwear.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, the only one dumb enough to get hurt around here, is you.
Michael Kelso: Okay, Jackie, I'm really starting get sick-
[cuts his finger on soda can]
Michael Kelso: OWW!

Reginald "Red" Forman: [on Fez getting hurt] So, you were chasing him on the roof because he took you're little rubber ball?
Eric Forman: No, it wasn't a ball, it was a super ball.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, you should see that thing bounce, it's pretty super.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [annoyed] Dumbasses.


"That '70s Show: Bring It on Home (#5.19)" (2003)
Steven Hyde: This just in: Your weirdo boyfriend sleeps in the nude.
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah? So? I do too.
Michael Kelso: Oh yeah!
Fez: Oh, I can see it now. And it is glorious!
[looks around nervously]
Fez: Excuse me.
[he runs out]

Michael Kelso: I have a question. If Hyde was in Hyde's bed and Jackie was in Hyde's bed, what exactly was going on in said bed?
Steven Hyde: Nothing. She needed a place to sleep.
Michael Kelso: Needed a place to sleep! Well, a bed is an interesting choice now, wouldn't you say?


"That '70s Show: Battle of the Sexists (#1.4)" (1998)
Michael Kelso: Donna beat you at basketball?
Fez: Is this true, Eric?
Eric: Yeah, is that a big deal?
Steven Hyde: Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.
Michael Kelso: Especially a girl you love.
Fez: In my country, if a woman beats you it makes her want you.
Eric: Really?
Fez: Yeah, but this is America, wuss.

Fez: [Watching Kelso and Jackie argue] She will crush him, yes?
Steven Hyde: Like the spirit of your Mayan forefathers.
Fez: My forefathers were not Mayan.
Steven Hyde: Like anyone cares.


"That '70s Show: Red Sees Red (#3.2)" (2000)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Look what Eric and Steven did was bad but you sneaking around with Kelso that's just unpleasent.
Laurie Forman: But Daddy I'm not seeing Kelso.
Steven Hyde: Untrue!
Eric Forman: A damnable Lie!

Eric: I love the Bradys... hey, did you ever see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?
[both Eric and Hyde laugh]
Red: Hey, did you ever see the one where Greg was a real wise-ass, so Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?
[Laurie storms out]
Hyde: That one's my favorite.


"That '70s Show: Eric's Buddy (#1.11)" (1998)
Frank: Hey, you. Buy something or get out. I have a big wedding coming in.
Steven Hyde: Frank, you don't have a big wedding coming in.
Frank: Oh, did I say I have a big wedding? What I meant to say was, buy something, or get out!

Steven Hyde: [after Kelso and Jackie leave] So Forman, now that the scary kids are gone, is Buddy gay?
Eric Forman: Well, I don't think it's really my place to...
Donna and Hyde: He's gay.
Eric Forman: Okay guys, hypothetical situation, crazy scenario, wouldn't happen in, like a million years. Let's just, let's say, okay, that Buddy made a move on me.
Donna Pinciotti: Eric, he's not going to make a move on you if he knows you're straight.
Steven Hyde: I don't know. I mean, Forman is pretty irresistible.
Eric Forman: [pause] I don't think he'll make a move on me again.
Donna and Hyde: Again?
Eric Forman: Or for the first time, you know. I gotta go.


"That '70s Show: Eric's Birthday (#1.2)" (1998)
[first lines]
Steven Hyde: [watching "Petticoat Junction"] Does it bother anyone else that these women live in Hooterville?
Eric Forman: Technically, Petticoat Junction is down the track from Hooterville.
Steven Hyde: Well, does it bother anyone that they live down the track from Hooterville?
Donna Pinciotti: What bothers me is that they bathe in the town water tank.

Michael Kelso: Hey, Eric, maybe she's going to give you the big gift. You know, the BIG gift. You guys know what I'm talking about right?
Steven Hyde: Yes, Kelso. We got it. Then, we got it.
Fez: I'm not even from here, and I got it.


"That '70s Show: Hyde's Father (#3.3)" (2000)
Bud: You know, Steven, I've really improved since I stopped drinking. I got a new job, and even a new apartment. I even got a color TV.
Steven Hyde: Color TV. Wow. I remember when I was a kid, I didn't even have a father.
[walks out of the room]

[the bartender sees Hyde]
Bud: Hey, you look kinda familiar. Do I know you?
Steven Hyde: I should hope so... dad.


"That '70s Show: Baby Don't You Do It (#6.14)" (2004)
Steven Hyde: Oral test on the penal code!
[Jackie, Hyde, and Fez start laughing hysterically]

[Red, Kitty and Bob are furious at Eric and Donna, for lying to the pastor that they are virgins]
Kitty Forman: [sarcastically] Oh, look! It's Eric and Donna! Did everyone know they're virgins?
[awkward silence. Hyde looks funnily at Eric and Donna]
Kitty Forman: I think I wanna be a virgin too. Hey, everyone! I'm a virgin! Ha-ha-ha! Well, I said that, so it must be true.
Eric Forman: OK, I know this seems really bad, but I've got a really simple way to fix that: just start going to a different church. Hey, how about that one where they sing more and let you marry, like, six people?
Steven Hyde: Hey, Red, tell me the story about how Eric and Donna had to stand up in front of the whole church and pretend to be virgins.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [angrily] Once upon a time, two dumbasses went to church and brought shame upon their entire family, and their father had to hear about it - the whole damn car ride home!
Steven Hyde: That's a great story. It's scary, but it's funny too.


"That '70s Show: Cat Fight Club (#2.25)" (2000)
[Jackie has just beaten up Laurie]
Hyde: You kicked her ass, man!
Jackie Burkhardt: [exhausted] Yeah... yeah... whatever.

Hyde: Hey, man. It's better than Laurie being down here. She's like a big cancerous tumor. Jackie, y'know, she's like a tiny benign cist.


"That '70s Show: Babe I'm Gonna Leave You (#5.14)" (2003)
Steven Hyde: Well, I'm done with Jackie and I feel like a guy who had a 95 pound mole removed. A 95-pound, Donny-Osmond-loving, shoe-shopping, ice-capade-attending mole.

Jackie Burkhart: Steven! I called three times within the last half hour!
Steven Hyde: Yeah, I figured it was you because all the calls came during the commercials for "The Newlywed Game".


"That '70s Show: Gimme Shelter (#7.20)" (2005)
Steven Hyde: Why can't we do something fun? Like drive up to the border and throw stuff at the Canadians. They never fight back because... they're Canadians.

Jackie Burkhart: Oh, everything is set for the party tonight! Oh, and Fez, I need you to get there a little early so you can park everyone's cars.
Fez: Sorry, Jackie, I can't make it.
Jackie Burkhart: What?
Fez: Yeah, Kelso and I have to find an apartment tonight, or Red is going to kill me in my sleep.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, and I can't let Fez go alone.
Jackie Burkhart: Why not?
Michael Kelso: 'Cause then I'll have to go to your party, which I don't want to do.
Steven Hyde: Oh, no, no, Kelso, you have to go. If you're not there, and Fez is not there, it's gonna be pretty damn obvious that I'm not there.
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, Steven, I understand you don't like dinner parties. But just let me make my case.
[Jackie kicks Hyde's ankle]
Steven Hyde: [winces painfully] Ohh!
Jackie Burkhart: [firmly] You're going!


"That '70s Show: Romantic Weekend (#3.16)" (2001)
[Kelso tells the guys how he was making out with Pam Macy in the school orchestra room]
Michael Kelso: You know the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls?
Fez: Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
Michael Kelso: No.
[pauses]
Michael Kelso: Okay. Let me put it this way. The buffer wouldn't buff.
Fez: Poor Mr. Cooper.
Steven Hyde: No, Fez. I think what he's trying to say is the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
Eric Forman: The weasel wouldn't pop.
Michael Kelso: The alphabet soup never spelled "go".
Eric Forman: There were a lot of Amish people but they couldn't raise the barn.
Steven Hyde: Nice one, Forman.
Eric Forman: It just came to me.

Donna Pinciotti: We're spending the weekend at a hotel.
Steven Hyde: What, car sex isn't good enough anymore?
Fez: I would love car sex...
[pauses]
Fez: Or just sex...
[pauses]
Fez: Or just a car.


"That '70s Show: That Disco Episode (#1.7)" (1998)
Fez: What is disco?
Steven Hyde: Disco is from hell, okay? And not the cool part with all the murderers, but the lame-ass part where all the bad accountants live.

Fez: What is disco?
Steven Hyde: It's from Hell. And, not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame-ass part with all the accountants.


"That '70s Show: Jackie Bags Hyde (#3.8)" (2000)
Hyde: Get in the car, we're goin' on a freakin' date.

[Hyde and Jackie are sitting on the back of her car at night. Hyde takes a swallow of his pop. Jackie looks at him and smiles]
Jackie Burkhart: This is the best date ever.
Hyde: Jackie, we haven't talked in 30 minutes.
Jackie Burkhart: That's okay. Steven, you don't have to say anything. I understand you.
Hyde: [sneers] Oh, you do, do you?
Jackie Burkhart: Sure. Ok, so you're probably sitting there thinking "I'm on this date with this girl who really, really likes me... and, and she's so beautiful that..."
Hyde: Jackie...
[Jackie puts her finger to Hyde's lips to silence him]
Jackie Burkhart: Shhh... and you're wondering "How can I open up to her, when everyone I have ever loved have abandoned me. Am I even worthy of love?". Well... you are, Steven. You are.
[Hyde looks at her for a moment, then covers his eyes and seems to start crying. Jackie puts her arm around him for comfort]
Jackie Burkhart: It's OK, Steven, it's OK. You know what, let it out. Let it all out.
Hyde: [in whimpering voice] OK.
Jackie Burkhart: It's OK.
[Hyde lifts his face to reveal he wasn't really crying, and blows raspberry in her face. Jackie calmly wipes the spit off her cheek, and then jumps off the car]
Jackie Burkhart: Let's go home!
Hyde: Oh c'mon, I'm kidding! No, this is, this is alright. We can hang out here for awhile, ok? God...
[Jackie walks around the car and joins Hyde again, smiling. Hyde offers her soda]
Hyde: Here, have some of my pop.
Jackie Burkhart: [takes the soda] sure.
[Jackie smiles at Hyde, gets closer to him, takes his arm and puts it around her shoulder]
Hyde: OK.
[Jackie takes a sip from the soda]


"That '70s Show: A Legal Matter (#6.10)" (2004)
Michael Kelso: I can't believe I'm the stooge.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, it's just the way some people are, okay? Some people are lazy, some people are clumsy, some people are stooges.
Steven Hyde: You're lucky enough to be all three.

Michael Kelso: You guys are making a pretty good case that I'm the stooge.
Steven Hyde: Well if you're not, there's a guy who's about to step on a rake that I really wanna meet.


"That '70s Show: Nobody's Fault But Mine (#5.23)" (2003)
[Hyde and Kelso decide to drive to Fez]
Michael Kelso: Fine, Shotgun!
Steven Hyde: There's only 2 of us, you moron!

Steven Hyde: Jackie... I love you.
Jackie Burkhart: [long silence] Yeah, well I don't love you.


"That '70s Show: The Velvet Rope (#2.3)" (1999)
[on the way to the club, in Chicago]
Fez: People are so friendly around here. Two women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, for money, Fez.
Fez: I could not ask them for money.
[pauses]
Fez: Or could I?


"That '70s Show: Heartbreaker (#5.4)" (2002)
Michael Kelso: [He's wearing goggles] Get my eye now
Steven Hyde: [Hyde kicks him in the leg then Hyde's sitting on his back pinning him to the couch]
Michael Kelso: Get off me!
Steven Hyde: Not until you calm down
Fez: [after giving him a wet willy] Ah a wet one
Michael Kelso: Fez I'm going to get free eventually and then I'm going to kick your ass!
Steven Hyde: We need to settle this
Michael Kelso: I don't want to settle this, I don't want to talk about it, all I want to do is pound you until you feel as bad as I do!
Steven Hyde: [getting up] Fine, hit me, free shot
Michael Kelso: [getting up] Fine hit me, free shot
Steven Hyde: No man that's why they call it a free shot
Michael Kelso: [in a stance] Here it comes, its coming, get ready
Fez: We're ready fool, do it!
Michael Kelso: Forget it, its not going to change anything, just, forget it
[He sits down on the couch]
Steven Hyde: Look man I didn't plan this thing with me and Jackie, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry
Donna Pinciotti: [same time] Awwww!
Fez: Awwww!
Steven Hyde: Get bent!
Michael Kelso: What are we going to do now?
Donna Pinciotti: [getting up] I'll tell you what you're going to do, you're going to shake and you're going to get over it
Michael Kelso: No
Donna Pinciotti: Shake
Michael Kelso: I don't want to
Donna Pinciotti: Shake!
[Kelso and Hyde shake hands]


"That '70s Show: Won't Get Fooled Again (#6.13)" (2004)
Michael Kelso: I have an idea!
Steven Hyde: Oh, Good. Kelso is gonna make it worse now.


"That '70s Show: Roller Disco (#3.5)" (2000)
Jackie Burkhart: We're going to be partners!
[Hyde just stares at her]
Jackie Burkhart: Skating partners!
Steven Hyde: How about instead, you hit me in the face with a wrench and I black out?


"That '70s Show: Donna's Story (#4.8)" (2001)
Jackie Burkhart: [angrily] Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress, you spent my 50 dollars on this stupid machine!
[Kelso looks accusingly at Hyde]
Steven Hyde: [to Jackie] Jackie, I did not.
[Hyde looks at Kelso, smiling]
Steven Hyde: [chuckles] Oh, yeah, I did.
Michael Kelso: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: "You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a Pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life".
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, there's another old saying, Michael: "You're dumb as dirt".
Eric Forman: That's true. That was in the yearbook.
Michael Kelso: Okay, okay. All right. Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!
Fez: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.
Michael Kelso: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.
Fez: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response... because I can't think of one. But when I do, a good day to you.


"That '70s Show: Red and Stacey (#4.10)" (2001)
Steven Hyde: [to Eric] You're soft.
Donna Pinciotti, Michael Kelso: [Leaning over to Hyde, and in unison] How soft is he, Hyde?
Steven Hyde: [pauses] Softer than Liberace at the playboy mansion.
[They all start laughing again]


"That '70s Show: Garage Sale (#2.1)" (1999)
Kitty Forman: [about Hyde's brownies] Well, I know Steven put the special ingredient in.
Eric: I told him not to!
Hyde: [At the same time] Special ingredient?
Kitty Forman: Of course! Love!
Hyde: Yes, ma'am, Mrs. Forman. There's a whole big bag of love in here.


"That '70s Show: Who Needs You (#8.9)" (2006)
[Red, Kitty, Hyde and Samantha are at the kitchen, having breakfast. Hyde is reading the newspaper]
Samantha Hyde: You know I hate it when you read the paper while I'm sitting right here next to you!
Steven Hyde: [indifferently] Yeah, that's why I'm doing it, honeybunch.
Samantha Hyde: Why don't you read your horoscope? I bet it says you won't be getting ANY!
[Samantha stands and leaves angrily]
Steven Hyde: [loudly] Oh, here's my horoscope: "You'll find yourself living with a BITCH!"


"That '70s Show: I'm Free (#6.5)" (2003)
[Jackie, Donna and Hyde chide Kelso for not taking responsibility on Brooke's baby]
Steven Hyde: Kelso, you know what you should do, but your not gonna do it because you're too much of a tool.
Michael Kelso: You know what? It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life.
[Kelso walks away. Hyde looks after him disgustedly]
Steven Hyde: Tool.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, Steven, you're sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too. This so foxy.
Steven Hyde: Hey, why don't we go down to my room, tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash, she lost our rent money at the track.
[Jackie nods excitedly. She and Hyde Jackie hug each other and enter the house]


"That '70s Show: Magic Bus (#6.3)" (2003)
Steven Hyde: How'd it go with Donna?
Eric Forman: I ruined it. And I knew I was ruining it, while I was ruining it. I just kept on ruining it. Now Bogie, you know that, that guy knows how to let a woman go, "Here's lookin' at you kid." I threw a toaster.


"That '70s Show: Red's Birthday (#2.10)" (1999)
[to Kelso]
Steven Hyde: Man, if you get any dumber, you're going to need a helmet.


"That '70s Show: Who Wants It More? (#3.11)" (2001)
Leo: I saw a UFO once, man. It was awesome. It just hung in the air, then it sent me a message. Big bright yellow letters saying I was going to have a good year.
Steven Hyde: Did this, by any chance, happen at a football game?
Leo: Yeah, man! And the weird thing is, I was the only one freaking out about it, man. Wait a second, good year, no, it was a terrible year, man. Stupid aliens.


"That '70s Show: The Seeker (#6.25)" (2004)
Kitty Forman: Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
Steven Hyde: I don't need that kid stuff.
[walks to door with everyone, waits until they leave, then turns around and runs back to Kitty, giving her a kiss and taking the lollipop]


"That '70s Show: Squeeze Box (#6.20)" (2004)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Alright, I admit that we saw Pam's... them.
[Hyde nods. Kitty scowls]
Reginald "Red" Forman: But it's not like planned it.
Steven Hyde: Although our timing couldn't have been better.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, I think you mean "worse", Steven.
Steven Hyde: No, I'm pretty sure I meant "better".


"That '70s Show: Prom Night (#1.19)" (1999)
Edna Hyde: They're all gonna laugh at you!
Steven Hyde: Shut up Ma! You're making the night too damn special!


"That '70s Show: The Third Wheel (#4.11)" (2001)
[Hyde and Eric walk in the Bowling Alley. Jill is sitting in a chair]
Steven Hyde: Jill, what are you doing here?
Eric Forman: All right. I confess. 'Twas me. I asked Jill to meet us here. Jill, Hyde's my friend. That's no reason to break up with him.
Jill: What? He broke up with me. He said he had to spend time with you because of some brain inflammation that made you act like a dillhole.
[Hyde looks uncomfortable]
Eric Forman: But... I don't have a brain thing.
Steven Hyde: He forgets he has it. It's part of the disease.


"That '70s Show: Thank You (#5.8)" (2002)
Steven Hyde: Yeah, Thanksgiving. We celebrate the subjugation of an indigenous people with yams and Underdog floats.


"That '70s Show: Red Fired Up (#2.24)" (2000)
[the guys are sitting in the circle and talking about Kelso and Jackie breaking up]
Michael Kelso: Ya know guys, there are a lot of ladies out there and I haven't seen nearly enough of them naked. From now on, I'm gonna live free. I'm going to be boldly going where no man has gone before.
[the next seen shows the Forman's front door. The doorbell rings and Kitty answers the door. Kelso is standing there holding flowers]
Michael Kelso: Is Laurie here?
Kitty Forman: [laughs] Don't you mean Eric?
Michael Kelso: No, Laurie. Your other kid.
[Hyde walks by and stops when he sees Kelso]
Steven Hyde: You're dating Laurie? Man, you're going where every man has gone before.
Kitty Forman: [turns around] Steven it is not nice to be so... truthful.
[Laurie comes down the stairs]
Laurie Forman: Hi Kelso.
[notices the flowers]
Laurie Forman: Did you buy those for me?
Michael Kelso: Yep, just like you told me.
Laurie Forman: No, I told you roses! Come on doofus!
[she walks out the door with Kelso]
Steven Hyde: You know Mrs. Forman, those two could have the dumbest babies ever.
Kitty Forman: [starts to laugh then abruptly stops and turns toward Hyde] That's not funny.


"That '70s Show: Till the Next Goodbye (#7.25)" (2005)
Kitty Forman: Eric, Jackie's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.
Steven Hyde: Jackie wants to talk to Forman?
Kitty Forman: Yes. Now, pick up, because she's been blabbering for 45 minutes, and I never noticed it when she was living here, but she's not that interesting.


"That '70s Show: Join Together (#6.2)" (2003)
[Kelso talks with Hyde, trying to make him reconcile with Jackie]
Michael Kelso: Look, Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry, but... there's gotta some things that you did, that you wish you hadn't done. Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was, and then you licked your lips, and you rubbed you stomach and you were like "Mmm, it's really good, Kelso", and then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't of done that.
Steven Hyde: Yeah... well, maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.
Michael Kelso: [nods] Now see, that's something that Jackie oughta know.
[some time later:]
Michael Kelso: Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.
Jackie Burkhart: [confused] What?
Michael Kelso: I'm just telling you what he said.
Jackie Burkhart: Alright, look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.
Michael Kelso: Well, somebody ought to make that clear.
[some time later:]
Michael Kelso: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.
Steven Hyde: [confused] That can't be what she said.
Michael Kelso: It's word for word, man.
Steven Hyde: Kelso, would you get outta here?
Michael Kelso: What? I'm helping.
Steven Hyde: You're making me wanna kick your ass!
Michael Kelso: [angrily] That better be the rash talking.
[Kelso leaves. Hyde throws the basketball at his back]


"That '70s Show: The Crunge (#5.10)" (2002)
[Kelso sits on the couch, reading a book. Fez and Hyde come out of Hyde's room]
Steven Hyde: Kelso, what the hell are you doing with a book?
Michael Kelso: Reading.
[Hyde and Fez snicker]
Michael Kelso: I am reading, 'cause what good is having brains if you got nothing up here?
[Kelso taps his skull. Jackie comes down the stairs]
Jackie Burkhart: Hey.
[Jackie and Hyde kiss, then they sit down]
Jackie Burkhart: So, I saw my dad in prison today.
Steven Hyde: Oh. How was it?
Jackie Burkhart: Well, first it was a real downer, then I realized that I'll be okay without my dad. Because the S.A.T. proved that there's another man who could take care of me.
Steven Hyde: You better be talking about Santa Claus.
Jackie Burkhart: No, Steven, I'm talking about you, because you have potential.
Michael Kelso: He doesn't have potential. I have potential. Like, I'm reading Moby Dick, and I'm not even halfway through, and I can already tell you the ending: The whale is a robot.


"That '70s Show: Hyde's Christmas Rager (#3.9)" (2000)
Steven Hyde: I mean he lives on a fantasy island, man and he's a midget. It's so obvious.


"That '70s Show: Sleepover (#2.8)" (1999)
Steven Hyde: So, what do I do here anyway?
Leo: Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere.


"That '70s Show: Immigrant Song (#5.24)" (2003)
[Hyde, Kelso and Fez are on top of the water tower, with black paint and brushes for writing graffiti]
Michael Kelso: So, Hyde. I gave Jackie some jellybeans today.
Steven Hyde: Who cares?
Michael Kelso: Well, you should because they were pink, and that is the bean of love, and I got her that particular bean because I never stopped loving her.
Steven Hyde: [sarcastically] Well, you stopped long enough to cheat on her with Pam Macy, Laurie and Annette. Who else am I forgetting?
Michael Kelso: [laughs] Ho-ho-ho! There where many others, but you cheated on her with a nurse.
Steven Hyde: It was a misunderstanding that you caused. That's it, lets go!
[Hyde approached Kelso menacingly. Fez tries to stop them from fighting]
Michael Kelso: Oh, okay, I hope you got that nurse's phone number cause your gonna need it when I'm done with ya!
Fez: Hey! Stop it! Stop it! You two need to grow up and start painting genitals on the water tower!
Michael Kelso: Fine! I'll be over here.
Steven Hyde: Fine! I'll be over here.
[Hyde and Kelso return to their original spots]


"That '70s Show: That '70s Finale (#8.22)" (2006)
[Kelso walks into the living room with a big bottle rocket]
Michael Kelso: Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?
Red Forman: Sure and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
Steven Hyde: And that my friends, is the last foot-in-ass of the decade! Cheers!
Kitty Forman: Michael, I just... it's so good to see you. The girls in the emergency room where just asking about you.
Michael Kelso: You know, it's like I've been gone for so long, I almost forgot you're a hot Mom!
Kitty Forman: Oh! Hahahahaha!
Red Forman: You know what else it hot?... My foot when it's in your ass.
Steven Hyde: Look at that. He got one more in him.


"That '70s Show: That Wrestling Show (#1.15)" (1999)
Steven Hyde: Hey, can we get a move on? If I miss that twenty midget free-for-all I'm gonna be super pissed!


"That '70s Show: Grandma's Dead (#1.23)" (1999)
Steven Hyde: Red, I'm sorry your mom died and I'm sorry Kelso's an idiot.


"That '70s Show: Misfire (#8.4)" (2005)
[Hyde, Fez, Randy and Kelso are at the Formans basement. Samantha enters, wearing Jeannie costume]
Samantha Hyde: Okay, I'm working on an bit for my new act. What is sexier? This Jeannie costume, or my naughty stewardess outfit?
Steven Hyde: Sam! What did I tell you about parading around half-naked in front of my friends? If you're gonna do it, you've gotta charge'm!


"That '70s Show: Jackie's Cheese Squeeze (#4.19)" (2002)
[Eric just told Steven Jackie kissed Todd]
Steven Hyde: We hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!


"That '70s Show: Dine & Dash (#3.13)" (2001)
[Kelso comes running into the basement]
Michael Kelso: Hey guys, guess what I got!
Steven Hyde: V.D.?
Michael Kelso: No. A 100 bucks!
Eric: Money to treat your V.D.?


"That '70s Show: What Is and What Should Never Be (#5.3)" (2002)
Michael Kelso: Hey guys! What are you talking about?
Eric, Steven Hyde: [at the exact same time] Indie 500
Eric: Niiice!


"That '70s Show: Radio Daze (#3.14)" (2001)
Eric Forman: Hey, I'm Hyde. I don't feel anything. I'm just a frizzy haired robot!
Steven Hyde: Hey, I'm Forman, I use the same voice to imitate everybody!


"Robot Chicken: Gold Dust Gasoline (#1.3)" (2005)
Fez: [phone rings] Kelso!
Michael Kelso: Fez! I just took your picture with my phone! I just sent it to you!
Fez: [checks phone] Oooh... what a sexy photo! It really captures my metrosexuality!
Steven Hyde: Okay... who just text messaged me saying I'm a douche bag?
Michael Kelso: *Burn!*


"That '70s Show: Punk Chick (#1.22)" (1999)
Steven Hyde: [talking about moving to New York] If I can make it there...
Eric Forman: You can't make it there!
Steven Hyde: ...But if I can make it there...
Eric Forman: You won't make it there!
Steven Hyde: Would you just listen! If I can make it there... Dammit Forman, now I lost my train of thought!


"That '70s Show: The Trials of M. Kelso (#3.18)" (2001)
Steven Hyde: School spirit is for losers, man. You're just like, floating along on a conveyor belt of conformity... like, pep-rallies, extra curricular activities... washing you hair...


"That '70s Show: Crazy Little Thing Called Love (#8.17)" (2006)
Kitty Forman: [Discussing possible retirement activities with Red] Well you know, you could take a trip. When Amy O'Brien's husband retired, they went to see the nutcracker museum in Rhode Island. We don't have to go some place that fancy, but there is that cave in West Virginia I've been wanting to see.
Steven Hyde: That's a good idea, Red. You and Kitty should travel - you know, see the world.
Reginald 'Red' Forman: I saw the world when I was in the Navy. It shot at me.


"That '70s Show: Burning Down the House (#2.15)" (2000)
Michael Kelso: Man, I wish Jackie would loosen up. She's throwing a great party down here and she's missing it.
Fez: Kelso, you don't get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie, and you crapped on it.
Steven Hyde: Alright, ease up on Kelso, huh?
Michael Kelso: Thanks, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: [sarcastically] Yeah, so you did something horrible, but it's Jackie, so who cares?
Michael Kelso: No wait, what are you saying?
Fez: I'm saying you burned her man, royally. Nice job.
Michael Kelso: But no, man, I didn't want to burn her. I invited all these people to her party so it would be fun, to make it good.
Fez: She didn't want a good party, she wanted her party.
Michael Kelso: You know what? You're right Fez. Alright, this party's over. Everybody out!
Eric Forman: No, Kelso, what are you saying man? Think!
Michael Kelso: You know what guys? For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking.
[Kelso throws his lit cigar in the trashcan]
Michael Kelso: You know I'm in danger of ruining the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I am not going to let that happen.
[Eric, Hyde and Fez bend forward to look at the trashcan erupting into flames]
Steven Hyde: Kelso...
Michael Kelso: Do not interrupt me, this is important! From now on, I'm going to put Jackie's needs first and she's going to be so proud of me!
[Hyde points to the trashcan. Kelso finally notices the fire]
Michael Kelso: Whoa!
[Kelso foolishly pours his brandy on the fire in an attempt to put it out. Naturally, the alcoholic drink nourishes the fire]
Michael Kelso: Whoa man, this is a rager! Give me your brandies!
[Kelso grabs their glasses and pours more brandy on the fire]
Michael Kelso: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!


"That '70s Show: A New Hope (#1.20)" (1999)
Fez: Im so excited to see Star Whores!
Steven Hyde: No Fez, it's Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that!


"That '70s Show: I Can't Quit You Babe (#5.2)" (2002)
[Hyde explains how he and Jackie got together]
Steven Hyde: It was obvious she wanted me.
[we see the recollection of Hyde]
Jackie Burkhart: I want you.
Steven Hyde: It's obvious.


"That '70s Show: Water Tower (#1.21)" (1999)
Steven Hyde: Okay. All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?
Michael Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Steven Hyde: I bled. I didn't cry.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled AND you cried.
Steven Hyde: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding... You see my point?
Michael Kelso: Yeah: it's funny when friends get hurt.
Steven Hyde: Close enough.


"That '70s Show: The Kids Are Alright (#6.1)" (2003)
[Jackie and Kelso sit at the Hub]
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, do you think I'm immature?
Michael Kelso: No, you're almost fully grown.
Jackie Burkhart: Well... Steven thinks so. Apparently, I'm immature, and that skank in the leather jacket is what? Cool? Well, I can be cool, people can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was totally realistic.
[Jackie's daydream: she and Donna enter the Hub. Jackie wears the same black tight outfit that Olivia Newton-John wore at "You're The One That I Want" song scene in the movie "Grease". The guys are playing the arcade machine. Eric, Kelso and Fez turn around]
Eric Forman: [bites his hand] Wow!
Michael Kelso: [shakes his hand] Yowza!
Fez: [smiles, rubbing his belly] Yummy!
[Hyde turns around. He takes off his sunglasses, astonished to see Jackie - similarly to Danny Zuko's reaction when he saw how Sandy changed]
Steven Hyde: Jackie?
Jackie Burkhart: Tell me about it, Steve.
[the music of "You're The One That I Want" plays in the background. The gang starts dancing]
Steven Hyde: [in John Travolta's voice] I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, for the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'...
Jackie Burkhart: [in Olivia Newton-John's voice] You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you. You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must me true...
Steven Hyde: [in John Travolta's voice] Nothin' left, nothin' left for me and you...
Jackie Burkhart, Steven Hyde: You're the one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh. The one I need. Oh, yes, indeed...
[Hyde hugs Jackie. The music fades]
Steven Hyde: [in his normal voice] Oh, Jackie, you're so much cooler than that skank I was with before. Please take me back, 'cause we belong together like Bop-booba-loo-ba, sha-walla, sha-bang, sha-bang...
[Jackie and Hyde kiss passionately. The gang is overjoyed that the two are back together]
Michael Kelso: Ah! The whole gang is back together again.
[Fez kisses Eric on his cheek]
Eric Forman: Yes, they did it!
Donna Pinciotti: This is so great for the whole...
[end of Jackie's daydream]


"That '70s Show: Vanstock (#2.6)" (1999)
Laurie Forman: Good morning, orphan
Steven Hyde: Good morning...
Laurie Forman: That's it? That's all you've got?
Steven Hyde: [waits until Red's out of the room] ... whore.
Laurie Forman: Mom, he called me a whore!
Kitty Forman: Um... yeah.


"That '70s Show: Streaking (#1.3)" (1998)
Steven Hyde: I'm going to write an awesome slogan like "I hate the fuzz" on my ass.
Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off?


"That '70s Show: Donna's Panties (#3.15)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: Hey guys, check out this article in "Boy's Life."
Eric: "The Square Knot Not Just For Squares"?
Michael Kelso: No the one about being an astronaut. I think I'm gonna do that.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I think in order for them to let you be an astronaut, you have to be not dumb.
Michael Kelso: No, 'cause if they can send a monkey into space, they can send me.
Steven Hyde: I don't know. Monkeys are pretty smart.
Michael Kelso: All right, fine, make fun of me. But when you see my shoe prints on the moon, what are you gonna say then?
Eric: Probably "Hey some monkey is wearing Kelso's shoes!"


"That '70s Show: Eric's Stash (#2.12)" (2000)
Eric Forman: Money doesn't make the world go round. You know what makes the world go round?
Steven Hyde: Screw you, you called me a thief!
Eric Forman: It's love, that's right.


"That '70s Show: The Battle of Evermore (#5.17)" (2003)
Red Forman: [walks out into the driveway] Sooooo... I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high-school dumbass with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven Hyde: That was like eight burns in one sentence.
Donna Pinciotti: An octo-burn. Let's get the hell outta here.