IMDb > Fez (Character) > Quotes

Edit Photo

Update Data

Quicklinks

Quotes for
Fez (Character)
from "That '70s Show" (1998)

ad feedback

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.

"That '70s Show: Can't You Hear Me Knocking (#7.13)" (2005)

Eric Forman: Poor little tough guy hiding behind his bluster
Steven Hyde: Shut up Forman, I'm fine!
Michael Kelso: Sounds like someone needs a tickle
Fez: No I'm okay
Eric Forman: We're your best friends and we're not going to let you go through this alone
Michael Kelso: Eric's right
[climbs over the couch]
Michael Kelso: we're going to do something that guys do
Fez: A massage train?
Michael Kelso: No
[to Hyde]
Michael Kelso: so we got you a present
Michael Kelso: [The circle] This is a great present guys, I especially like the teeny white paper you wrapped it in
Michael Kelso: The Russians have a Russian death ray aimed at the White house, I read it in a magazine
Eric Forman: That was the Flash and it is a comic book
Fez: I love comic books, sometimes I wish I had thought bubbles, do you see anything?
Steven Hyde: The Russians don't have a death ray man but they do have a stupid ray and its pointed at your head
Michael Kelso: They do have a death ray and I'll prove it, where's the phone?
Eric Forman: Kelso I'm not allowed to make long distance calls without permission
Michael Kelso: They've got me on hold, oh and they're playing the theme song to the President
Eric Forman: Hail to the chief
Michael Kelso: Thank you Eric but I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song

Fez: If Hyde's right and the Feds are outside, we have to dispose of the evidence
Eric Forman: [The second circle] Good job disposing of the evidence guys
Michael Kelso: Eric you better take this seriously, we have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than at the Pink Floyd concert
Fez: Without all the smoke machines and lasers this is just like punishment
Steven Hyde: I never thought I'd say this but I wish I had more people to share this with

Steven Hyde: [The third circle] This is our third circle today and it hasn't calmed me down at all!
Fez: I can't be sent back to my home country, my parents would be ashamed, I'd get stoned and then they'd throw rocks at me
Eric Forman: I think we all need to settle down! Just settle down! Who's yelling! Who is yelling!

Eric Forman: Kelso if you tell the White house there's a death ray, they're going to have you committed, I say go for it
Michael Kelso: Of course they're not going to admit it, I got to trick them into saying it, its what cops call
[uses air quotes]
Michael Kelso: tricking them
[on the phone]
Michael Kelso: hello white house, I have a few questions, how well is the President protected? Because someone wants to hurt the President, damn right its a threat, a threat on the President's life! Where am I now? I'm at Red Forman's house in Point place
Eric Forman: No!
[Eric and Hyde hang up the phone]
Steven Hyde: You idiot! You just told them where we are, they're going to come here and arrest us
Michael Kelso: They should arrest the Russians, they're the ones with the death ray!
Fez: You didn't mention the death ray!
Michael Kelso: Ah ha! So you admit there is a death ray!

Eric Forman: [to a vacuum they think has a bug in it] You're looking for Michael Kelso
Michael Kelso: Quit it
Eric Forman: No this whole thing is your fault.
Michael Kelso: If its anyone's fault, its Hyde's because he got dumped by Jackie so we had to be nice to him
Fez: Go easy on the kid! Breaking up with Jackie was the biggest mistake he ever made, remember we were talking about it behind his back!
Steven Hyde: Shut up Fez, if I want to hear your advice, I'll kick you in the nads
Fez: Oh in that case my advice is please don't kick me in the nads
Eric Forman: [in a loud voice] Maybe the Feds have some advice, remember they're listening with the
[whispers]
Eric Forman: V-A-C-U-U-M
Steven Hyde: [They look puzzled for a little bit] It spells Vacuum.
Michael Kelso: Vacuum has two U's in it, that's messed up

Steven Hyde: Seriously Jackie don't you have something to say?
Jackie Burkhart: Like what?
Steven Hyde: I don't know, I'm a spoilt, crazy whack job and I'm sorry
Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady
Michael Kelso: Especially a spoilt crazy whack job, that's likely to get you killed
Reginald "Red" Forman: [entering] Oh my god, there's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even that's going to ruin my day
Eric Forman: Yes only one and one man only has the power to do that, tis I
Reginald "Red" Forman: No not even you can do that and who the hell talks like that
Kitty Forman: Red, honey you were happy remember?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing
Kitty Forman: I'll come too, I'll grab my fishing stick
Reginald "Red" Forman: I don't want to go
Kitty Forman: Why not?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Because I don't want you to go
Michael Kelso: [using a golf stick like a shotgun] Burn

Fez: [They think a van parked across the street is the FBI] Its just a dog catcher van
Steven Hyde: That's what they want you to think man
Michael Kelso: Yeah a real dog catcher van wouldn't say dog catchers because otherwise the dogs would see it and run away
Fez: I can hear dogs inside
Steven Hyde: Its obviously a recording, alright, on the count of three, one, two, three
[They open the doors releasing a bunch of dogs]
Steven Hyde: I don't know if its the fresh air talking but I'm beginning to think this entire thing is just our imagination
Eric Forman: I think we need to let this whole imagination thing go
[almost hits Fez with his red plastic light saber]
Eric Forman: Whoa, watch out, I almost cut you right in half there man

Jackie Burkhart: There were dogs on the path so we climbed to the top of this tall thing to get away from them
Donna Pinciotti: That was me
Fez: Dogs?
Donna Pinciotti: What did you do!
Eric Forman: What! Nothing! Kelso thought there was a death ray so he called the White House and we thought the Feds were after us! But its okay, we just imagined it
Donna Pinciotti: I'm cutting you off, where's your stash?
Michael Kelso: Its all gone man

Michael Kelso: One thing I don't get is if the Feds weren't after us all day, why did they send a bugged vacuum?
Fez: [sarcastically] Why don't you call them and ask?
Michael Kelso: That's a good idea

"That '70s Show: Ramble On (#5.5)" (2002)

Eric Forman: [looking at the man ring] My girlfriend has bad taste
Fez: Well she is dating you
Eric Forman: What was she thinking?
Steven Hyde: Forman you got to expect this man, I mean look at her Dad, the apple doesn't fall far from the bob

Michael Kelso: [Kelso's superhero fantasy]
Michael Kelso: [As Batman] Okay super pals I'm gonna need a status report
Steven Hyde: [As a wonder twin, stops making out with Jackie] My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe
Fez: [As Aquaman] The oceans are secure but I can't check for another 45 minutes because I just ate
Eric Forman: [As Superman entering with Donna as Wonder Woman] Hey guys
Michael Kelso: Oh no, you've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideous ring
Donna Pinciotti: Actually its a gift
Steven Hyde: Form of worst gift ever
[Holds his fist out to the side]
Jackie Burkhart: [As the other wonder twin] Shape up, I hope he kept the receipt
Eric Forman: Alien zombies are attacking the Earth, lets swing into action gang
Michael Kelso: Hold it, we're still on this ring
Steven Hyde: Are you sure its not an alien artifact?
Donna Pinciotti: I got it at the mall
Reginald "Red" Forman: Greetings dumbasses
Eric Forman: Oh, oh, its Dr Bald
Reginald "Red" Forman: My army of alien zombies is invading, good lord that is an ugly ring, alien zombies get a load of that ring
Eric Forman: That's it, this thing's coming off
Steven Hyde: Careful man, you drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation, we'll all go crashing into the sun
Michael Kelso: Yeah way to use science in a burn

Nina: According to your resume you were dancer number 3 in the school production of My fair lady
Fez: Yes it was magical, I could've danced all night
Nina: I don't think your theater experience applies here
Fez: Well Nina what is the DMV really if not one big stage
Nina: The DMV is the department of motor vehicles
Fez: Yes but they're very similar
Nina: No they're not
Fez: Yes they are
Nina: No they're not
Fez: Yes they are
Nina: No they're not!
Fez: Okay... they are
Nina: No they're not! I'm going to put down no prior experience
Fez: You didn't ask about my special skills?
Nina: I don't see how a fondness for pie is relevant
Fez: But Nina what is the DMV really if not one big pie shop?

Fez: What you didn't read was how much I'd apply myself to the job here
Nina: I'm going to have to ask to stop making puns now
Nina: I don't think its going to work out
[shakes Fez's hand]
Nina: that is a gorgeous man ring, you know wearing something like this shows a lot of confidence
Fez: Well I do feel like a king when I wear it and what is the DMV really if not one big kingdom?

Eric Forman: I can't believe you took my ring!
Fez: Yes I took it, I took it and I'm proud, you have a girlfriend, you have a ring, I have nothing!
Eric Forman: Well you have a job
Fez: Yes that's true, good for me

"That '70s Show: Eric's Burger Job (#1.6)" (1998)

Ricky: Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?
Eric: I think it will be a wonderful experience.
Michael Kelso: My girlfriend's dad owns it.
Fez: I love the uniforms.
Steven Hyde: To unionize the workers, man.
Ricky: What do you consider to be your best quality?
Eric: I'm a real people person.
Steven Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Michael Kelso: My eyes. Oh and I guess my butt too.
Ricky: Name something about yourself that is a weakness.
Eric: I allow people to boss me around.
Fez: I love chocolate.
Steven Hyde: I'm brutally honest. Pinhead.
Michael Kelso: Um...
[falls backwards on chair]
Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: Covered in gold chains.
Michael Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No, yeah rock star.
Steven Hyde: Prison.

Eric: Hey would you guys respect me if I got a job at the town dump?
Donna Pinciotti: Town dump no? State dump? why are you getting a job anyway?
Eric: Everything costs money, gas, clothes, fun
Michael Kelso: Dates, dates cost money
Fez: No Kelso that is prostitution
Steven Hyde: Dates are prostitution man , except you don't always get what you paid for
Donna Pinciotti: Says the man who's never had a girlfriend
Steven Hyde: Hey you guys remember Andra the biker chick?
Eric: Whatever happened to her?
Steven Hyde: [proud] She's dating my uncle

Jackie Burkhart: Wait so your parents are going to be out of town?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah it's just going to be me alone Saturday, well I'm babysitting my sister Tina; I'll watch some TV, maybe order a pizza
Michael Kelso: Let's have a party, a toga party
Jackie Burkhart: Michael maybe she doesn't want to have a party, maybe she wants to be alone
Donna Pinciotti: Well it'd just be me but if someone happens to come by, that'll be cool
Michael Kelso: Party at Donna's
Fez: Donna I've never been to an American party, may I come?
Donna Pinciotti: I don't care, so Eric will you be there?
Eric: Eric:
[not looking up from the newspaper]
Eric: Yeah, sure
Jackie Burkhart: [Donna leaves the basement and Jackie smacks Eric and Kelso across the back of the head] You are both so stupid
Steven Hyde: That's a first, I actually agree with Jackie
[to Eric]
Steven Hyde: she totally put on a full court press man and you dropped the ball
Eric: What are you talking about, all she said was she's going to be alone Saturday, order a pizza, oh my God, I'm so stupid

Steven Hyde: Hello my minimum wage friend, I demand service
Eric: Welcome to fatso burger, how may I serve you?
Steven Hyde: That is so sad man
Michael Kelso: Jackie I've been racking my brain trying to thinking of why this guy didn't hire me
Jackie Burkhart: Michael I'm so sick of hearing this, you've still got me
Michael Kelso: I'm good looking and he's jealous, this body's a curse!
Jackie Burkhart: If you worked you wouldn't be able to see me whenever I wanted lover
[They kiss]
Fez: Please stop touching, it gives me needs

Donna Pinciotti: Hey Fez
Fez: Hello Donna, now tell me which one of these ladies is easy?
Tina Pinciotti: Donna your creepy friends are playing with Dad's stereo
Fez: [to unseen characters] Guys you can't go in the house
Donna Pinciotti: [to Tina] Hello pretty lady with the eyes like the sea
Tina Pinciotti: Hi
Steven Hyde: She's not a pretty lady, she's my sister and she's 14
Fez: You know in my country
Steven Hyde: It's illegal here

"That '70s Show: Bring It on Home (#5.19)" (2003)

Steven Hyde: This just in: Your weirdo boyfriend sleeps in the nude.
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah? So? I do too.
Michael Kelso: Oh yeah!
Fez: Oh, I can see it now. And it is glorious!
[looks around nervously]
Fez: Excuse me.
[he runs out]

Fez: Guys, Nina agreed to let me meet her parents. And to seem completely normal, I've come up with the perfect opening line for Nina's mother: "Hello Mrs. Bartel, I can see where Nina gets her lovely ass."

Fez: Oh, please! I'm a hot looking, smooth talking, frisky ass son of a bitch!
Eric: Hey Fez, right there! That's like, that's like a really weird thing to say.
Michael Kelso: Yea, I mean we're used to you but dude, you're weird!

"That '70s Show: Over the Hills and Far Away (#5.6)" (2002)

Kitty Forman: Do you have to breathe so much, it's like a sauna in here
Eric Forman: Alright, you heard the lady, no more breathing
Kitty Forman: I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much, there's a difference
Fez: [to Red] For crazy people
Reginald "Red" Forman: Hey Ali Baba, close sesame
Steven Hyde: Red you missed the exit
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh damn, Eric you're supposed to be watching the map, what are you doing?
Eric Forman: [He holds up the map which he folded into a crown] Making you a crown because you're king of the road!
Fez: I need to go to the bathroom
Steven Hyde: Can you turn up the radio?
Michael Kelso: First down, touchdown!
Kitty Forman: WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!

Melanie: That is a great beard, I've never made out with a guy with a beard before.
Steven Hyde: Well today is your lucky day.
Melanie: You want to go up to my room?
Steven Hyde: Absolutely.
[she grabs his arm but he doesn't move]
Steven Hyde: Actually, I can't.
Melanie: If you change your mind, me and a few of the other girls will be in the shower.
[she leaves]
Fez: [to Melanie] I can go! My name is Fez! Don't pretend you don't see me!
Steven Hyde: What did I just do man? I turned down a sure thing because of Jackie.
Fez: And you don't know what she's doing at Marquette. Or who.
Steven Hyde: Shut up!
Fez: I bet if she was doing it, you would cry because you love her.
Steven Hyde: If you don't shut up, you're gonna to become the first person to touch his chin to his ass.
Fez: Have you been spying on me!

Fez: Hyde I meant to tell you.
[sings]
Fez: Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree making love like two monkeys.
Steven Hyde: Will you shut up man, that's not even how it goes.
Fez: Is it making you mad?
Steven Hyde: Yeah.
Fez: Then that's how it goes.

"That '70s Show: That '70s Pilot (#1.1)" (1998)

[to Hyde]
Fez: I might not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Steven Hyde: [The first circle] Is Red still thinking of giving you the car man ?
Michael Kelso: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need serious gas money because the Cruiser's a boat
Eric Forman: I know the cruiser's a boat, this whole gas shortage bites
Fez: Who's getting a boat?
Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as gas shortage man, its all set up by the government, everything's controlled by the oil companies like I heard about this guy who invented a car that runs on water man, its fiber glass, air cooled and it runs on water!
Fez: So it is a boat?
Steven Hyde: No its a car but instead of gas you put water in the tank
Michael Kelso: [laughing] I haven't heard of this car, hey Jackie's good for gas money
Eric Forman: You are such a whore
Fez: When does the boat get here whore?

Steven Hyde: [The first circle] Is Red still thinking of giving you the car maybe ?
Michael Kelso: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need serious gas money because the Cruiser's a boat
Eric Forman: I know the cruiser's a boat, this whole gas shortage bites
Fez: Who's getting a boat?
Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as gas shortage man, its all fake, the oil companies control everything like I heard about this guy who invented a car that runs on water man, its got a fiber glass, air cooled engine and it runs on water!
Fez: So it is a boat?
Steven Hyde: No its a car only you put water in the tank instead of gas
Michael Kelso: [laughing] I haven't heard of this car, hey Jackie's good for gas money
Eric Forman: You are such a whore
Fez: When does the boat get here whore?

"That '70s Show: After Glow (#2.17)" (2000)

Fez: If there's one thing guys like us know, it's how to have sex. Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez, am still a virgin.
Eric Forman: [sarcastically] Gosh. My world no longer makes sense.

Fez: I'm not really a virgin.
Fez: [pauses] Yes, I am.

"That '70s Show: Red and Stacey (#4.10)" (2001)

Fez: It's time that you two left now good day.
Donna Pinciotti, Jackie Burkhart: But Fez...
Rhonda: [shouts] He said good day.

Rhonda: [to Fez] Coca puff
Fez: [to Rhonda] Mashed Potato

"That '70s Show: Hunting (#2.13)" (2000)

Eric Forman: So where's Fez?
Bob Pinciotti: Kelso probably shot him.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh, I saw him walking into the woods right after we got here. Said he was going hunting. He had a whistle and a stick!
[starts laughs]
Bob Pinciotti: Ah, crazy foreign bastard.
[Fez walks up to them carrying two dead birds]
Fez: Let's eat.

Fez: I like Midge.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, we all like Midge.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Midge has nice jugs.
Bob Pinciotti: What?
Michael Kelso: What?
Bob Pinciotti: No, you said something.
Michael Kelso: [nervously] No I didn't. So what's up with your hair?

"That '70s Show: Battle of the Sexists (#1.4)" (1998)

Michael Kelso: Donna beat you at basketball?
Fez: Is this true, Eric?
Eric: Yeah, is that a big deal?
Steven Hyde: Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.
Michael Kelso: Especially a girl you love.
Fez: In my country, if a woman beats you it makes her want you.
Eric: Really?
Fez: Yeah, but this is America, wuss.

Fez: [Watching Kelso and Jackie argue] She will crush him, yes?
Steven Hyde: Like the spirit of your Mayan forefathers.
Fez: My forefathers were not Mayan.
Steven Hyde: Like anyone cares.

"That '70s Show: Fez Dates Donna (#3.21)" (2001)

Fez: Caroline, I was just offering my girlfriend Donna a sip from my straw. We don't care about germs because she had her tongue in my mouth.

[repeated line]
Fez: I said good day!

"That '70s Show: Beast of Burden (#7.4)" (2004)

Donna Pinciotti: Well, last time I was here, they were looking for help. And they have no idea how weird you are.
Fez: That IS an advantage.

Jeri: [to Fez, who wants the shampoo boy job] You're a little creepy. But you're cute, so I'll try you out on one of our regular customers.
Donna Pinciotti: Yes! That's great, Fez. I have complete faith in you.
Jeri: You're gonna wash Donna's hair.
Donna Pinciotti: Ooh, you know, I'm kind of exclusive with Paulette.
Jeri: I can't just test him on anyone. He seems kind of pervy.
Fez: She gets me.

"That '70s Show: Romantic Weekend (#3.16)" (2001)

[telling the guys how he was making out with Pam Macy in the school orchestra room]
Michael Kelso: You know the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls?
Fez: Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
Michael Kelso: No.
[pauses]
Michael Kelso: Okay. Let me put it this way. The buffer wouldn't buff.
Fez: Poor Mr. Cooper.
Steven Hyde: No, Fez. I think what he's trying to say is the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
Eric Forman: The weasel wouldn't pop.
Michael Kelso: The alphabet soup never spelled "go".
Eric Forman: There were a lot of Amish people but they couldn't raise the barn.
Steven Hyde: Nice one, Forman.
Eric Forman: It just came to me.

Donna Pinciotti: We're spending the weekend at a hotel.
Steven Hyde: What, car sex isn't good enough anymore?
Fez: I would love car sex...
[pauses]
Fez: Or just sex...
[pauses]
Fez: Or just a car.

"That '70s Show: That Disco Episode (#1.7)" (1998)

Fez: What is disco?
Steven Hyde: Disco is from hell, okay? And not the cool part with all the murderers, but the lame-ass part where all the bad accountants live.

Fez: What is disco?
Steven Hyde: It's from Hell. And, not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame-ass part with all the accountants.

"That '70s Show: Drive in (#1.8)" (1998)

Reginald "Red" Forman: Eric is that Kid from not America down here?
Eric Forman: Dad it's Fez!
Reginald "Red" Forman: Yeah whatever! The Erdmans called and they they want him to Go Home! Kelso stop saying Porno!
Michael Kelso: I didn't say it Mr. Foreman. Fez did!
Fez: [to Kelso] You are a bitch!
[leaves]

Fez: [his host parents are playing a record backwards] In my language, the record just said, "I want to sex your monkey."
[they stare at him in horror]
Fez: [quickly] Which I have never done!

"That '70s Show: Streaking (#1.3)" (1998)

[in the school cafeteria]
Fez: All this food for 45 cents? It is unbelievable!
[He takes a bite of his food, then pushes away his tray]
Fez: Oh... I see.

Steven Hyde: I'm going to write an awesome slogan like "I hate the fuzz" on my ass.
Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off?

"That '70s Show: Halloween (#2.5)" (1999)

[Eric just told a scary story]
Fez: When I was six, the mayor of our town was hung from a tree. Your story was not scary.

Fez: Trick or treat.
[Fez gets an apple]
Fez: An apple? Where's my candy, you son of a bitch?

"That '70s Show: A Legal Matter (#6.10)" (2004)

Red Forman: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red Forman: I didn't understand a word you said. But I heard "Nazi bastards", and that's good enough for me.

Fez: This could be my last day in the country. We should make love.
Donna Pinciotti: What?
Fez: Don't worry, it will be over before you know it.

"That '70s Show: The Career Day (#1.18)" (1999)

Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the Food Service Industry. May I cut the cheese?
Edna Hyde: [to Steven] Is he kidding?
Steven Hyde: We can never tell.
Edna Hyde: Well, knock yourself out, but if you cut off a finger, you're outta here.

"That '70s Show: The Velvet Rope (#2.3)" (1999)

[on the way to the club, in Chicago]
Fez: People are so friendly around here. Two women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, for money, Fez.
Fez: I could not ask them for money.
[pauses]
Fez: Or could I?

"That '70s Show: Heartbreaker (#5.4)" (2002)

Michael Kelso: [He's wearing goggles] Get my eye now
Steven Hyde: [Hyde kicks him in the leg then Hyde's sitting on his back pinning him to the couch]
Michael Kelso: Get off me!
Steven Hyde: Not until you calm down
Fez: [after giving him a wet willy] Ah a wet one
Michael Kelso: Fez I'm going to get free eventually and then I'm going to kick your ass!
Steven Hyde: We need to settle this
Michael Kelso: I don't want to settle this, I don't want to talk about it, all I want to do is pound you until you feel as bad as I do!
Steven Hyde: [getting up] Fine, hit me, free shot
Michael Kelso: [getting up] Fine hit me, free shot
Steven Hyde: No man that's why they call it a free shot
Michael Kelso: [in a stance] Here it comes, its coming, get ready
Fez: We're ready fool, do it!
Michael Kelso: Forget it, its not going to change anything, just, forget it
[He sits down on the couch]
Steven Hyde: Look man I didn't plan this thing with me and Jackie, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry
Donna Pinciotti: [same time] Awwww!
Fez: Awwww!
Steven Hyde: Get bent!
Michael Kelso: What are we going to do now?
Donna Pinciotti: [getting up] I'll tell you what you're going to do, you're going to shake and you're going to get over it
Michael Kelso: No
Donna Pinciotti: Shake
Michael Kelso: I don't want to
Donna Pinciotti: Shake!
[Kelso and Hyde shake hands]

"That '70s Show: Roller Disco (#3.5)" (2000)

Jackie Burkhart: Hey, Fez, I just made up a poem. Do you want to hear it?
Fez: Okay.
Jackie Burkhart: There once was a guy named Fez... who had a really cute butt!
Fez: Well, I have to say... I don't hate it.

"That '70s Show: Eric's Naughty No-no (#3.19)" (2001)

[watching an X-rated film]
Fez: Oh, nothing is going to happen in this scene, that's just two ladies.
[still watching the film]
Fez: Oh bravo, nice plot twist.

"That '70s Show: Eric Gets Suspended (#2.9)" (1999)

Hyde: The blonde's blonde and hot.
Fez: Yes, and since I set us up on this date she is mine, right?
Hyde: Well, I can see why you'd think that. But, actually, since I came along to help you out, American custom dictates that I get the blonde.
Fez: Once again the local custom bones the foreign guy.

"That '70s Show: The Promise Ring (#3.25)" (2001)

Fez: Hyde, when I see a girl, how long do I have to wait before she wants to french me?

"That '70s Show: Ski Trip (#1.13)" (1999)

Fez: I am so cold. The snow has stolen my manhood.

"That '70s Show: Stolen Car (#1.14)" (1999)

Eric Forman: Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael Kelso: [chewing] Maybe he's, like, religious or something.
Steven Hyde: Wasn't Sully in prison for arson?
Michael Kelso: Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God, too, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: [pointing at the key-chain] Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo?"
Fez: Sully must love bingo.
Eric Forman: All right. I'm starting to think that this isn't Sully's car.
Michael Kelso: Then who's car is it?
[Police siren wails behind them and they stare forward in shock]

"That '70s Show: Canadian Road Trip (#3.23)" (2001)

Eric: Okay, guys. Road trip checklist. Car: Check. Okay. We're good.
Fez: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Steven Hyde: Well, the beer is stronger, and as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez: Then let's haul ass to Canada!
Eric: Okay. Shh. Fez. If my dad finds out that we're going to Canada uh, for beer, no less, he's gonna start killing people, okay? People like us. So keep it down.
Michael Kelso: [Runs up to the guys] All right! Canada! Whoo-hoo! Beer!
[blows his horn]
Eric: Kelso, you're not going.
Michael Kelso: What? Why not?
Steven Hyde: Because this is a risky mission and you tend to screw these things up.
Michael Kelso: That is a damnable lie!
Eric: Okay. Kelso, remember that time we were gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridwell's door, and you lit it in the car on the way over?
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I wanted to see it all flamey.
Eric: And then you panicked and stepped on it.
Michael Kelso: Eric, it was on fire!
Eric: Okay, You're not going.
Michael Kelso: No, no, no. Fine. I won't use the air horn, and I'll pay for the gas and the beer
Eric: I can't stay mad at you... Come on, you big lug.
Leo: [already sitting in the backseat of the car] Hey, dudes.
Steven Hyde: Leo, man, what are you doin' here?
Leo: Sittin'. What are you doin' here?
Steven Hyde: We're goin' to Canada to buy beer.
Leo: Canada? Cool, man. I spent some time up there during 'Nam.
Eric: Oh, conscientious objector, huh?
Leo: No. I didn't mind. Hey, a road trip sounds good, man, but I don't want nothin' to do with that beer. That stuff will mess with your mind, man.

"That '70s Show: Magic Bus (#6.3)" (2003)

Fez: Eric, long distance don't work, just like my girlfriend back home.
Eric Forman: Fez, you have a girlfriend back home?
Fez: No, don't you listen? Long distance relationships don't work.

"That '70s Show: Eric's Buddy (#1.11)" (1998)

Donna Pinciotti: Where's Buddy?
Eric Forman: Oh, Buddy. Um, well, Buddy got... busy, so...
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he has lots to do. He is popular.
Fez: Yeah, and so obviously gay
[Eric squirms]
Fez: .

"That '70s Show: Kitty's Birthday (That's Today?!) (#3.17)" (2001)

Fez: I was just showing Caroline the back of my new car and my tongue.
Michael Kelso: Fez, this isn't your car.
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, foreigners can't drive here unless it's a cab.

"That '70s Show: The Seeker (#6.25)" (2004)

Fez: [nervous, to Donna] Eric was afraid getting married and staying here was a mistake... you know, because you'd have to give up your dream of traveling the world and becoming a... ball-breaking feminist.

"That '70s Show: Eric's Birthday (#1.2)" (1998)

Michael Kelso: Hey, Eric, maybe she's going to give you the big gift. You know, the BIG gift. You guys know what I'm talking about right?
Steven Hyde: Yes, Kelso. We got it. Then, we got it.
Fez: I'm not even from here, and I got it.

"That '70s Show: I Love Cake (#2.7)" (1999)

Fez: Cake is good, but you cannot have sex with cake.

"That '70s Show: Let's Spend the Night Together (#7.2)" (2004)

Fez: Oh Donna, if you would knew what I would do to you and your cute blond hair... you would beat the crap out of me
Donna Pinciotti: Well than I might as well beat the crap out of you anyway.
Fez: YES!

"That '70s Show: Whole Lotta Love (#5.16)" (2003)

Fez: Ayee, working with someone after you've had sex with them is hard. I don't know how Donny and Marie do it.

"That '70s Show: Ice Shack (#3.10)" (2001)

Jackie Burkhart: Fez, I'm cold.
Fez: Frankly my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.

"That '70s Show: The Crunge (#5.10)" (2002)

Fez: Eric, somebody had to come in last. There is no shame in that. Well, there is a little shame. Shame on you!

"That '70s Show: Sleepover (#2.8)" (1999)

[repeated line]
Fez: You son-of-a-bitch!

"That '70s Show: Grandma's Dead (#1.23)" (1999)

Fez: Mister Red, always remember: a mother's goodness is carried on forever by her sons.
[Marty starts to cry]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Have you met my sister Marty?

"That '70s Show: Who's Been Sleeping Here? (#7.19)" (2005)

Eric Forman: OK Fez, let me ask you a question. If you were choosing godparents, wouldn't you choose Donna and me?
Fez: Well, in my country we don't have godparents. If something happens to your parents - tough crap. You're a bum. You Americans and your safety nets.

"That '70s Show: Dine & Dash (#3.13)" (2001)

Fez: There's Caroline. Isn't she lovely? She reminds me of that song, "Isn't She Lovely?"

"That '70s Show: Radio Daze (#3.14)" (2001)

Fez: Well errand boy, you just sold your soul for a car
Michael Kelso: Who cares, Fez. Your soul is like an Appendix, I don't even use it.

"That '70s Show: Jackie Moves On (#2.22)" (2000)

Jackie Burkhardt: OK, Fez, I just want to thank you for last night. I know I wasn't my super-cute self, and I'm sorry. But you're a really good friend.
Fez: But Jackie, I was hoping that perhaps we could be more than friends?
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, hope springs eternal, Fez. How 'bout you just keep worshipping me from afar and stay available... just in case.
Fez: You would do that for me? That's a sweet deal!

"Robot Chicken: Gold Dust Gasoline (#1.3)" (2005)

Fez: [phone rings] Kelso!
Michael Kelso: Fez! I just took your picture with my phone! I just sent it to you!
Fez: [checks phone] Oooh... what a sexy photo! It really captures my metrosexuality!
Steven Hyde: Okay... who just text messaged me saying I'm a douche bag?
Michael Kelso: *Burn!*

"That '70s Show: Punk Chick (#1.22)" (1999)

Fez: Damn you, Hyde! Did you go horseback-riding without me?

"That '70s Show: I'm a Boy (#6.8)" (2004)

Reginald "Red" Forman: [agitated] You want to know why I'm unpleasant? I just had a heart attack. And now I have to be driven around like a useless dope by the idiot that married my daughter and gave me the heart attack in the first place. And I am also unpleasant because I just spent the entire day cooped up in the car breathing that mustard gas you call cologne! But mostly, I'm unpleasant because that's how it works in this family.
Fez: I'm family?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh, crap.

"That '70s Show: The Trials of M. Kelso (#3.18)" (2001)

Fez: Oh, we're locked in in a lockerroom... the irony is not lost on me! Why do you mock us fate, why?

"That '70s Show: A New Hope (#1.20)" (1999)

Fez: Im so excited to see Star Whores!
Steven Hyde: No Fez, it's Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that!

"That '70s Show: I Can't Quit You Babe (#5.2)" (2002)

Eric Forman: How was your first day?
Donna Pinciotti: Grim. This nun totally spanked me with a ruler.
Fez: Yet another reason I wish I was a ruler.

"That '70s Show: Holy Craps (#3.20)" (2001)

[Fez breaks up with Caroline and doesn't dare to say it's because she's crazy]
Fez: Umm... because... Donna and I are in love!
Caroline: What?
Donna Pinciotti: Oh my god!
Jackie Burkhart: Eeewwww!

"That '70s Show: Nobody's Fault But Mine (#5.23)" (2003)

Fez: Ah, this is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.
Eric Forman: Fez, why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?
Fez: We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but, of course, they don't show you that.