Michael Kelso
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Quotes for
Michael Kelso (Character)
from "That '70s Show" (1998)

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"That '70s Show: Can't You Hear Me Knocking (#7.13)" (2005)
Eric Forman: Poor little tough guy hiding behind his bluster
Steven Hyde: Shut up Forman, I'm fine!
Michael Kelso: Sounds like someone needs a tickle
Fez: No I'm okay
Eric Forman: We're your best friends and we're not going to let you go through this alone
Michael Kelso: Eric's right
[climbs over the couch]
Michael Kelso: we're going to do something that guys do
Fez: A massage train?
Michael Kelso: No
[to Hyde]
Michael Kelso: so we got you a present
Michael Kelso: [The circle] This is a great present guys, I especially like the teeny white paper you wrapped it in
Michael Kelso: The Russians have a Russian death ray aimed at the White house, I read it in a magazine
Eric Forman: That was the Flash and it is a comic book
Fez: I love comic books, sometimes I wish I had thought bubbles, do you see anything?
Steven Hyde: The Russians don't have a death ray man but they do have a stupid ray and its pointed at your head
Michael Kelso: They do have a death ray and I'll prove it, where's the phone?
Eric Forman: Kelso I'm not allowed to make long distance calls without permission
Michael Kelso: They've got me on hold, oh and they're playing the theme song to the President
Eric Forman: Hail to the chief
Michael Kelso: Thank you Eric but I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song

Fez: If Hyde's right and the Feds are outside, we have to dispose of the evidence
Eric Forman: [The second circle] Good job disposing of the evidence guys
Michael Kelso: Eric you better take this seriously, we have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than at the Pink Floyd concert
Fez: Without all the smoke machines and lasers this is just like punishment
Steven Hyde: I never thought I'd say this but I wish I had more people to share this with

Eric Forman: Kelso if you tell the White house there's a death ray, they're going to have you committed, I say go for it
Michael Kelso: Of course they're not going to admit it, I got to trick them into saying it, its what cops call
[uses air quotes]
Michael Kelso: tricking them
[on the phone]
Michael Kelso: hello white house, I have a few questions, how well is the President protected? Because someone wants to hurt the President, damn right its a threat, a threat on the President's life! Where am I now? I'm at Red Forman's house in Point place
Eric Forman: No!
[Eric and Hyde hang up the phone]
Steven Hyde: You idiot! You just told them where we are, they're going to come here and arrest us
Michael Kelso: They should arrest the Russians, they're the ones with the death ray!
Fez: You didn't mention the death ray!
Michael Kelso: Ah ha! So you admit there is a death ray!

Eric Forman: [to a vacuum they think has a bug in it] You're looking for Michael Kelso
Michael Kelso: Quit it
Eric Forman: No this whole thing is your fault.
Michael Kelso: If its anyone's fault, its Hyde's because he got dumped by Jackie so we had to be nice to him
Fez: Go easy on the kid! Breaking up with Jackie was the biggest mistake he ever made, remember we were talking about it behind his back!
Steven Hyde: Shut up Fez, if I want to hear your advice, I'll kick you in the nads
Fez: Oh in that case my advice is please don't kick me in the nads
Eric Forman: [in a loud voice] Maybe the Feds have some advice, remember they're listening with the
Eric Forman: V-A-C-U-U-M
Steven Hyde: [They look puzzled for a little bit] It spells Vacuum.
Michael Kelso: Vacuum has two U's in it, that's messed up

Steven Hyde: Seriously Jackie don't you have something to say?
Jackie Burkhart: Like what?
Steven Hyde: I don't know, I'm a spoilt, crazy whack job and I'm sorry
Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady
Michael Kelso: Especially a spoilt crazy whack job, that's likely to get you killed
Reginald "Red" Forman: [entering] Oh my god, there's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even that's going to ruin my day
Eric Forman: Yes only one and one man only has the power to do that, tis I
Reginald "Red" Forman: No not even you can do that and who the hell talks like that
Kitty Forman: Red, honey you were happy remember?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing
Kitty Forman: I'll come too, I'll grab my fishing stick
Reginald "Red" Forman: I don't want to go
Kitty Forman: Why not?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Because I don't want you to go
Michael Kelso: [using a golf stick like a shotgun] Burn

Fez: [They think a van parked across the street is the FBI] Its just a dog catcher van
Steven Hyde: That's what they want you to think man
Michael Kelso: Yeah a real dog catcher van wouldn't say dog catchers because otherwise the dogs would see it and run away
Fez: I can hear dogs inside
Steven Hyde: Its obviously a recording, alright, on the count of three, one, two, three
[They open the doors releasing a bunch of dogs]
Steven Hyde: I don't know if its the fresh air talking but I'm beginning to think this entire thing is just our imagination
Eric Forman: I think we need to let this whole imagination thing go
[almost hits Fez with his red plastic light saber]
Eric Forman: Whoa, watch out, I almost cut you right in half there man

Steven Hyde: [Fourth circle] The Feds have ruined the circle man
Michael Kelso: The circle's what's keeping us sharp, if it wasn't for the circle, we wouldn't have known the Feds were after us, planning our every move, I say thank you for the circle

Jackie Burkhart: There were dogs on the path so we climbed to the top of this tall thing to get away from them
Donna Pinciotti: That was me
Fez: Dogs?
Donna Pinciotti: What did you do!
Eric Forman: What! Nothing! Kelso thought there was a death ray so he called the White House and we thought the Feds were after us! But its okay, we just imagined it
Donna Pinciotti: I'm cutting you off, where's your stash?
Michael Kelso: Its all gone man

Michael Kelso: What kind of country is this if you can't make even one threatening phone call to the President?

Michael Kelso: One thing I don't get is if the Feds weren't after us all day, why did they send a bugged vacuum?
Fez: [sarcastically] Why don't you call them and ask?
Michael Kelso: That's a good idea

Steven Hyde: This is starting to feel like work, the Feds have ruined the circle man
Michael Kelso: The circle's what's keeping us sharp, if it wasn't for the circle, we wouldn't have known the Feds were after us, planning our every move, I say thank you for the circle

"That '70s Show: Over the Hills and Far Away (#5.6)" (2002)
Kitty Forman: Do you have to breathe so much, it's like a sauna in here
Eric Forman: Alright, you heard the lady, no more breathing
Kitty Forman: I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much, there's a difference
Fez: [to Red] For crazy people
Reginald "Red" Forman: Hey Ali Baba, close sesame
Steven Hyde: Red you missed the exit
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh damn, Eric you're supposed to be watching the map, what are you doing?
Eric Forman: [He holds up the map which he folded into a crown] Making you a crown because you're king of the road!
Fez: I need to go to the bathroom
Steven Hyde: Can you turn up the radio?
Michael Kelso: First down, touchdown!

Eric Forman: Mum seems to have cheered up
Reginald "Red" Forman: Don't be fooled, at any minute it can strike
Michael Kelso: Wait up!
Reginald "Red" Forman: What do you want?
Michael Kelso: The explanation is pinned to my lapel
Reginald "Red" Forman: [opens the envelope] Dear Mr Forman, Mr Kelso and I are unable to take Michael to UW, here's 30 bucks so he can go with you, where's the thirty bucks?
Michael Kelso: I used it to pay for this electronic football game
Reginald "Red" Forman: I swear to God Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein
Eric Forman: Thank you Daddy
Michael Kelso: [to Eric] Thank you? Einstein was ugly

Michael Kelso: This place is awesome, look they've even got dirty cartoons on the wall.
Steven Hyde: Kelso, those are CPR instructions.
Michael Kelso: I've done CPR a lot.

Reginald "Red" Forman: What do you want?
Michael Kelso: Once again the explanation is pinned to my Lapel
Reginald "Red" Forman: [opens the envelope] Dear Mr and Mrs Forman, please give Michael 30 dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke, signed my parents
[Kitty laughs]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Well you made her laugh, that's worth 30 bucks

Michael Kelso: [peeking into the girls bathroom] This is your CPR instructor, I'm gonna need to check your lung capacities.
[to Red who he thinks is Eric, Fez and Hyde]
Michael Kelso: That means their boobs.

Eric Forman: [about UW] This place is great, I wish Donna were here.
[a towel clad college girl walks past]
Eric Forman: My God, will you look at that!
Michael Kelso: We just saw college butt.
Michael Kelso: On a girl.

"That '70s Show: That '70s Pilot (#1.1)" (1998)
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, have I told you how incredibly attractive you are Eric?
Eric Forman: No.
Michael Kelso: You told me he was cute.
Donna Pinciotti: No I didn't.
Michael Kelso: I remember, because you said not to say anything in front of Eric.

[the battery of Eric's car is dead]
Randy: So, what, you want a battery? 'Cause I can get you a battery.
Eric Forman: Are they cheap, or possibly free?
Randy: Thirty-two bucks, minimum.
Michael Kelso: All right, I'll tell you what. We'll trade you our battery plus five bucks for one of your batteries.

Michael Kelso: That's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.
Jackie Burkhart: Who did we exchange for him?

Steven Hyde: [The first circle] Is Red still thinking of giving you the car man ?
Michael Kelso: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need serious gas money because the Cruiser's a boat
Eric Forman: I know the cruiser's a boat, this whole gas shortage bites
Fez: Who's getting a boat?
Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as gas shortage man, its all set up by the government, everything's controlled by the oil companies like I heard about this guy who invented a car that runs on water man, its fiber glass, air cooled and it runs on water!
Fez: So it is a boat?
Steven Hyde: No its a car but instead of gas you put water in the tank
Michael Kelso: [laughing] I haven't heard of this car, hey Jackie's good for gas money
Eric Forman: You are such a whore
Fez: When does the boat get here whore?

Steven Hyde: [The first circle] Is Red still thinking of giving you the car maybe ?
Michael Kelso: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need serious gas money because the Cruiser's a boat
Eric Forman: I know the cruiser's a boat, this whole gas shortage bites
Fez: Who's getting a boat?
Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as gas shortage man, its all fake, the oil companies control everything like I heard about this guy who invented a car that runs on water man, its got a fiber glass, air cooled engine and it runs on water!
Fez: So it is a boat?
Steven Hyde: No its a car only you put water in the tank instead of gas
Michael Kelso: [laughing] I haven't heard of this car, hey Jackie's good for gas money
Eric Forman: You are such a whore
Fez: When does the boat get here whore?

[first scene of the series: May 17, 1976. 8:47 p.m. The gang is at the Formans' basement]
Steven Hyde: Eric, it is time.
Eric Forman: Why don't you do it?
Steven Hyde: It's your house.
Michael Kelso: Your house!
Steven Hyde: [points upward] Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass. In ten minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.
Eric Forman: If my dad catches me copping beers, he'll kill me!
Steven Hyde: I'm willing to take that risk.
Michael Kelso: Don't worry about it! Just remain calm, keep moving...
Donna Pinciotti: And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.
Eric Forman: What's wrong with your dad's hair?
Donna Pinciotti: Just don't look at it.
Steven Hyde: [grabs Eric's face] And Eric: cold. Definitely cold.
[Eric nods. Hyde pats him on the shoulder. Eric begins to run up the stairs. He pauses, looks back down, and continues]

"That '70s Show: Going to California (#5.1)" (2002)
Annette: So, all you care about is sex. I thought that there was more to you than that.
Michael Kelso: But there isn't.

[about Annette]
Michael Kelso: Look, this girl is beautiful, and she believes in me. And if I can get her to put out, she will be 3 out of 3. But right now she's only 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry but 50% just ain't gonna cut it!

[about Annette]
Michael Kelso: I love her.
Eric Forman: No you don't.
Michael Kelso: Well I love parts of her.

Michael Kelso: So, Annette, I'm just saying that I'm leaving in a couple of hours. So I guess the question is: what or what can two virgins do to kill an afternoon?
Annette: [thinks] Well, there is something... but it's kind of wet and dirty.
[Kelso thinks Annette means to have sex]
Michael Kelso: [excited] SOLD!
[shorty later, Kelso and Annette are on the beach, building a sand-castle. Kelso is disappointed, for this is not what he had in mind]
Annette: Having fun?
Michael Kelso: No. These are our last hours together, and... you're not nude!
Annette: [dissapointed] So, all you care about is sex? I thought that there was more to you than that.
Michael Kelso: But there isn't!
Annette: But there is. I believe in you.
Michael Kelso: Stop saying that!
Annette: [smiles] But I do.
Michael Kelso: Damn! OK, start digging a moat...
[they continue building the sand-castle]

[Kelso is frustrated because all he got from beautiful Annette was a good night kiss on the cheek, but no sex]
Michael Kelso: [complaining] In Wisconsin, if you win a girl a giant purple rhinoceros, she puts out!

"That '70s Show: I'm a Boy (#6.8)" (2004)
Michael Kelso: Okay, Brooke, here's the thing: We should date.
Brooke: Michael, I'm pregnant with your child. Pretty much the best and worst things about dating have already happened to us.

Steven Hyde: No, no, man, there is no way I'm going on a date with your ex-girlfriend who's now my girlfriend and your new girlfriend who doesn't want to be your girlfriend, but is pregnant with your child. That's like, hillbilly territory.
Michael Kelso: I'll pay.
Steven Hyde: I'm in.

Jackie Burkhart: So, hey, maybe a good way to break the ice would be for everyone to tell a few things about themself. I'll go first. I like make-up and diets, and Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
Brooke: Okay, well, I was valedictorian in my class, I run marathons, and I tutor kids in Latin.
Michael Kelso: Well, I egged a valedictorian of my class. And a marathon runner Oh, and some kids that took Latin!
Steven Hyde: This is fun.

Michael Kelso: We might not be the perfect match, but I really, really like you. And I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.
Brooke: Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train, or in Paris. Not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert.
[she walks away]
Michael Kelso: Fate! Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.

[to Eric and Donna]
Michael Kelso: There's no groping in the circle! We made that rule for Fez, but it goes for everyone.

"That '70s Show: Eric's Naughty No-no (#3.19)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: Honesty's cool, man. It's like, I can do anything wrong, and then ask for forgiveness and then I'm good again. Someone should invent a religion like that.

[Kelso feels bad for watching porn movie]
Michael Kelso: Jackie, you know I love you and you know how much I've changed, right?
Jackie Burkhart: [smiles] Yeah?
[noticing Kelso's guilty expression, Jackie frowns]
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, what'd you do?
Michael Kelso: I went to a stag film. But then it turned out that there weren't any stags at all. It was just naked people having sex. Go ahead and punish me.
Jackie Burkhart: [pats on Kelso's palm] No, Michael, I'm not gonna punish you. You were honest with me, and honesty should be rewarded.
Michael Kelso: [excitedly] Wow. I'm not in trouble and I get a reward? Is it a cash reward?
Jackie Burkhart: [chuckles] No, Michael, the reward is feeling better about yourself.
Michael Kelso: [disappointed] Oh.

[the circle]
Michael Kelso: Honesty's cool, man. It's like I can do anything wrong and then ask for forgiveness, and then I'm good again. I mean, someone should invent a religion like that.
Eric Forman: Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, they were way, way above average?
Steven Hyde: Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
[Hyde snickers]
Fez: What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
Michael Kelso: See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, is from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything.
Fez: Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are all small in the pants.
Steven Hyde: [in serious voice] Kelso, this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie, and I'll help you. 'Cause all's I really want is for you to be happy.
[Hyde smiles slyly]

[Hyde, Jackie and Fez are listening to Kelso]
Michael Kelso: Okay, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest about that I feel like you should know.
Jackie Burkhart: [nods] Okay.
[Jackie looks at Hyde and Fez]
Jackie Burkhart: Why are they here?
Michael Kelso: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Hyde smiles]
Michael Kelso: So, anyway, I made a list.
Steven Hyde: [to Jackie] The list was my idea.
Michael Kelso: Thank you for that, Hyde. Okay, so let's just get started. Um, that picture you saw of me in kindergarten? Those weren't puffy pants. It was a big boy diaper.
[Hyde and Fez chuckle. Some time later:]
Michael Kelso: ...and that time you came out of the shower, and you thought you saw a flash? I did take your picture. This one time you asked me if you had anything in your teeth? And you did, but I said no, 'cause it's funnier that way.
[Hyde is enjoying. Jackie's expression becomes more and more sour. Some time later:]
Michael Kelso: ...when we were about to fool around, and I said that I washed my hands? But really I just got done playing with like six dogs.
[Jackie looks at Hyde, who barely suppresses his laughter. Fez looks disgusted]
Michael Kelso: But that's not as bad...
Jackie Burkhart: [sharply] All right, Michael, stop! Okay, Michael, I think we need to work on selective honesty.
Fez: [disgusted] Yes, that and basic hygiene. Seriously, good God, man.
[Fez leaves]
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, Michael, unless one of your secrets involves kissing a girl, I don't need to know about it.
[Jackie walks to the door]
Michael Kelso: Okay. All right.
Michael Kelso: [to Hyde] Oh, science fact. Dogs are cleaner than humans.
[Kelso and Jackie leave]

"That '70s Show: Bring It on Home (#5.19)" (2003)
Steven Hyde: This just in: Your weirdo boyfriend sleeps in the nude.
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah? So? I do too.
Michael Kelso: Oh yeah!
Fez: Oh, I can see it now. And it is glorious!
[looks around nervously]
Fez: Excuse me.
[he runs out]

Michael Kelso: I have a question. If Hyde was in Hyde's bed and Jackie was in Hyde's bed, what exactly was going on in said bed?
Steven Hyde: Nothing. She needed a place to sleep.
Michael Kelso: Needed a place to sleep! Well, a bed is an interesting choice now, wouldn't you say?

Fez: Oh, please! I'm a hot looking, smooth talking, frisky ass son of a bitch!
Eric: Hey Fez, right there! That's like, that's like a really weird thing to say.
Michael Kelso: Yea, I mean we're used to you but dude, you're weird!

Fez: You know, I have been called many names since comin' to this country, but I have never been treated like that before.
Michael Kelso: You know Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are gonna judge you on the color of your skin or your funny accent or that girly little way you run. But you know what? You're not alone. Why do you think the Martians won't land here? 'Cause they're green and they know people are gonna make fun of 'em.
Fez: You said it brother! I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Michael Kelso: Well that's Canada. Yup, good ole Canada. They don't make generalizations about people 'cause they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk and puttin' maple syrup on their ham.
Nina: [Nina enters] Fez, we need to talk.
Michael Kelso: Hey ! He might not be from this country, but he's beautiful damn it !
Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it and there's nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks and I wanna get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez: Except that. Thanks Kelso.
[Kelso raises his fist in support as Fez and Nina leave]

"That '70s Show: Kitty's Birthday (That's Today?!) (#3.17)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: Right now I'm just Jackie's friend. But what she doesn't realize is that I'm also a boy. And eventually 'friend' is gonna lead down the path to 'boy', and then I'll be her friend-boy.

Michael Kelso: See, I did some reflecting, and I realized that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.
Eric Forman: Today?

Fez: I was just showing Caroline the back of my new car and my tongue.
Michael Kelso: Fez, this isn't your car.
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, foreigners can't drive here unless it's a cab.

Michael Kelso: Man, what fun is it being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?

"That '70s Show: Red Fired Up (#2.24)" (2000)
[the guys are sitting in the circle and talking about Kelso and Jackie breaking up]
Michael Kelso: Ya know guys, there are a lot of ladies out there and I haven't seen nearly enough of them naked. From now on, I'm gonna live free. I'm going to be boldly going where no man has gone before.
[the next seen shows the Forman's front door. The doorbell rings and Kitty answers the door. Kelso is standing there holding flowers]
Michael Kelso: Is Laurie here?
Kitty Forman: [laughs] Don't you mean Eric?
Michael Kelso: No, Laurie. Your other kid.
[Hyde walks by and stops when he sees Kelso]
Steven Hyde: You're dating Laurie? Man, you're going where every man has gone before.
Kitty Forman: [turns around] Steven it is not nice to be so... truthful.
[Laurie comes down the stairs]
Laurie Forman: Hi Kelso.
[notices the flowers]
Laurie Forman: Did you buy those for me?
Michael Kelso: Yep, just like you told me.
Laurie Forman: No, I told you roses! Come on doofus!
[she walks out the door with Kelso]
Steven Hyde: You know Mrs. Forman, those two could have the dumbest babies ever.
Kitty Forman: [starts to laugh then abruptly stops and turns toward Hyde] That's not funny.

Laurie Forman: [Jackie and Laurie are arguing in the basement] You better watch your back.
Jackie Burkhardt: Really? 'Cause you should stop spending so much time on *yours*.
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Laurie looks shocked]
Michael Kelso: Hey, I'm sorry. I just got swept away by the super-good burn.

Michael Kelso: [finishing Hyde's pizza] This doesn't taste like monkey butt!

Michael Kelso: I just realized Jackie's short, and I don't like short people.

"That '70s Show: Romantic Weekend (#3.16)" (2001)
[Kelso tells the guys how he was making out with Pam Macy in the school orchestra room]
Michael Kelso: You know the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls?
Fez: Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
Michael Kelso: No.
Michael Kelso: Okay. Let me put it this way. The buffer wouldn't buff.
Fez: Poor Mr. Cooper.
Steven Hyde: No, Fez. I think what he's trying to say is the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
Eric Forman: The weasel wouldn't pop.
Michael Kelso: The alphabet soup never spelled "go".
Eric Forman: There were a lot of Amish people but they couldn't raise the barn.
Steven Hyde: Nice one, Forman.
Eric Forman: It just came to me.

Michael Kelso: If this is about maturity, I want nothing to do with it!

Michael Kelso: Guys, I gotta tell you something. I'm omnipotent.

[Pam Macy is driving her car, Kelso is sitting next to her. Kelso is embarrassed and Pam has sour expression, because Kelso was unable to "perform"]
Michael Kelso: Look, Pam, I'm really sorry about what happened... again. I must have the flu or something.
Pam Macy: Well, it's not like any flu I've ever heard of.
Michael Kelso: [angrily] Well, there's lots of kinds of flu, Pam!
Michael Kelso: I'm sorry.
Pam Macy: [teasing] Oh, well, don't take it so HARD. Oops. Sorry.
Michael Kelso: Look, just don't tell anybody, okay?
Pam Macy: [smiles nastily] Oh, Flopsy, I'm not gonna tell ANYBODY. I'm gonna tell EVERYBODY.
[Kelso is worried to hear that]

"That '70s Show: Eric's Burger Job (#1.5)" (1998)
Ricky: Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?
Eric: I think it will be a wonderful experience.
Michael Kelso: My girlfriend's dad owns it.
Fez: I love the uniforms.
Steven Hyde: To unionize the workers, man.
Ricky: What do you consider to be your best quality?
Eric: I'm a real people person.
Steven Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Michael Kelso: My eyes. Oh and I guess my butt too.
Ricky: Name something about yourself that is a weakness.
Eric: I allow people to boss me around.
Fez: I love chocolate.
Steven Hyde: I'm brutally honest. Pinhead.
Michael Kelso: Um...
[falls backwards on chair]
Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: Covered in gold chains.
Michael Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No, yeah rock star.
Steven Hyde: Prison.

Eric: Hey would you guys respect me if I got a job at the town dump?
Donna Pinciotti: Town dump no? State dump? why are you getting a job anyway?
Eric: Everything costs money, gas, clothes, fun
Michael Kelso: Dates, dates cost money
Fez: No Kelso that is prostitution
Steven Hyde: Dates are prostitution man , except you don't always get what you paid for
Donna Pinciotti: Says the man who's never had a girlfriend
Steven Hyde: Hey you guys remember Andra the biker chick?
Eric: Whatever happened to her?
Steven Hyde: [proud] She's dating my uncle

Jackie Burkhart: Wait so your parents are going to be out of town?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah it's just going to be me alone Saturday, well I'm babysitting my sister Tina; I'll watch some TV, maybe order a pizza
Michael Kelso: Let's have a party, a toga party
Jackie Burkhart: Michael maybe she doesn't want to have a party, maybe she wants to be alone
Donna Pinciotti: Well it'd just be me but if someone happens to come by, that'll be cool
Michael Kelso: Party at Donna's
Fez: Donna I've never been to an American party, may I come?
Donna Pinciotti: I don't care, so Eric will you be there?
Eric: Eric:
[not looking up from the newspaper]
Eric: Yeah, sure
Jackie Burkhart: [Donna leaves the basement and Jackie smacks Eric and Kelso across the back of the head] You are both so stupid
Steven Hyde: That's a first, I actually agree with Jackie
[to Eric]
Steven Hyde: she totally put on a full court press man and you dropped the ball
Eric: What are you talking about, all she said was she's going to be alone Saturday, order a pizza, oh my God, I'm so stupid

Steven Hyde: Hello my minimum wage friend, I demand service
Eric: Welcome to fatso burger, how may I serve you?
Steven Hyde: That is so sad man
Michael Kelso: Jackie I've been racking my brain trying to thinking of why this guy didn't hire me
Jackie Burkhart: Michael I'm so sick of hearing this, you've still got me
Michael Kelso: I'm good looking and he's jealous, this body's a curse!
Jackie Burkhart: If you worked you wouldn't be able to see me whenever I wanted lover
[They kiss]
Fez: Please stop touching, it gives me needs

"That '70s Show: Baby Fever (#3.7)" (2000)
[Kelso finds out Jackie smashed his van]
Michael Kelso: How did this happen, Jackie, how?
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, like I said...
Michael Kelso: How?
Jackie Burkhart: Coming out of the drive...
Michael Kelso: [yells] HOW?
Steven Hyde: Kelso. Come on man, relax. Let those of us who aren't you enjoy this moment.
Fez: Besides, it's not all that bad. This door still works.
[Fez tries to open the remaining back door, and it falls off]
Eric Forman: Hey, Jackie. What happened to the other door?
Jackie Burkhart: Other door?
Eric Forman: Yeah, you know, the thing that always got in the way... of this giant, gaping hole.

Michael Kelso: You owe me money.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Michael Kelso: Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The... shag carpeting, uh... eight track, strobe light, black light, red light.
Jackie Burkhart: I hate you!
Michael Kelso: Well, I hate you more!
Jackie Burkhart: I hate you most!
Michael Kelso: Well, I hate you the... damn it!
Steven Hyde: All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is - a divorce.
Fez: Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.
Steven Hyde: All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.
Jackie Burkhart: Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
Michael Kelso: I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
Steven Hyde: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Michael Kelso: Right.
Steven Hyde: [takes a notepad and starts writing] All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie Burkhart: Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Michael Kelso: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.
[Kelso takes off his shirt and gives it to Jackie]
Fez: [takes the notepad from Hyde] Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso... uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Michael Kelso: Well... uh... w... one time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky.
[angrily, Jackie slaps Kelso on his bare chest]
Michael Kelso: And... and... Hyde, help me out here.
Steven Hyde: Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
Michael Kelso: Hyde!
Steven Hyde: Dude, you burned her house.

[Kelso is sitting on the couch, wearing only his underwears, shivering cold. Hyde is still calculating what Jackie and Kelso owe each other. Fez is playing with a yo-yo]
Michael Kelso: I'm cold.
Fez: That must be why your nipples are so pointy.
[Kelso slaps Fez's arm]
Fez: Oh, pointy nipple man is mad. I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples.
Steven Hyde: All right, that was really disturbing. Okay. Here we go. According to my calculations, for repairs to the van: Jackie, you owe Kelso $ 65.
Michael Kelso: [triumphantly] Aha! Justice!
Steven Hyde: Yeah. And, Kelso, you owe Jackie... $ 8,265.
[Kelso is shocked to hear that]
Jackie Burkhart: [triumphantly] Aha! Pay up, moocher!
Michael Kelso: Wha-wha... no, no. This is... that's totally unfair! Hyde, you suck.
Steven Hyde: You could have been a man and forgiven her. But no. You wanted to do the math.
Michael Kelso: Man, math has never been my friend. Wait. No. But she had other guys in my van!
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, YOU had other girls in your van while we were dating! So, give me my $ 8,000!
Michael Kelso: Okay. I change my mind. I forgive you.
[Jackie glares at Kelso]

Michael Kelso: Jackie, what are these?
[takes a pair of drumsticks from the back of his van]
Jackie Burkhart: Umm, vansticks?

"That '70s Show: Heartbreaker (#5.4)" (2002)
Michael Kelso: [laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie?
[He looks back at Donna who's putting her hand through her hair]
Michael Kelso: What the hell? He's dead!
[He slams the beer can on the bench and starts pulling at the kitchen door unable to open it]
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso
Michael Kelso: They're getting away, what is wrong with this thing?
Eric Forman: It's against my better judgment but
[flips the switch]
Michael Kelso: Thank you, now Hyde's really dead
Michael Kelso: [He walks into the screen door] Well that's invisible!

Eric Forman: Okay Donna we need to stabilize him, we're gonna need pudding and lots of it
Michael Kelso: [getting up] Who chooses a chick over a friend?
Eric Forman: What, come on, Kelso remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard because you wanted 10 extra minutes with Pam Macy?
Michael Kelso: I didn't steal Pam Macy from you and you could've played in the snow until we were done
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie wanted to get married and you bailed; now she doesn't want to marry you, that solves your problem albeit with a disturbing twist ending
Michael Kelso: I'm kicking Hyde's ass
Eric Forman: Kelso you couldn't open my kitchen door

Michael Kelso: [He's wearing goggles] Get my eye now
Steven Hyde: [Hyde kicks him in the leg then Hyde's sitting on his back pinning him to the couch]
Michael Kelso: Get off me!
Steven Hyde: Not until you calm down
Fez: [after giving him a wet willy] Ah a wet one
Michael Kelso: Fez I'm going to get free eventually and then I'm going to kick your ass!
Steven Hyde: We need to settle this
Michael Kelso: I don't want to settle this, I don't want to talk about it, all I want to do is pound you until you feel as bad as I do!
Steven Hyde: [getting up] Fine, hit me, free shot
Michael Kelso: [getting up] Fine hit me, free shot
Steven Hyde: No man that's why they call it a free shot
Michael Kelso: [in a stance] Here it comes, its coming, get ready
Fez: We're ready fool, do it!
Michael Kelso: Forget it, its not going to change anything, just, forget it
[He sits down on the couch]
Steven Hyde: Look man I didn't plan this thing with me and Jackie, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry
Donna Pinciotti: [same time] Awwww!
Fez: Awwww!
Steven Hyde: Get bent!
Michael Kelso: What are we going to do now?
Donna Pinciotti: [getting up] I'll tell you what you're going to do, you're going to shake and you're going to get over it
Michael Kelso: No
Donna Pinciotti: Shake
Michael Kelso: I don't want to
Donna Pinciotti: Shake!
[Kelso and Hyde shake hands]

"That '70s Show: Donna's Story (#4.8)" (2001)
Jackie Burkhart: [angrily] Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress, you spent my 50 dollars on this stupid machine!
[Kelso looks accusingly at Hyde]
Steven Hyde: [to Jackie] Jackie, I did not.
[Hyde looks at Kelso, smiling]
Steven Hyde: [chuckles] Oh, yeah, I did.
Michael Kelso: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: "You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a Pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life".
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, there's another old saying, Michael: "You're dumb as dirt".
Eric Forman: That's true. That was in the yearbook.
Michael Kelso: Okay, okay. All right. Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!
Fez: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.
Michael Kelso: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.
Fez: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response... because I can't think of one. But when I do, a good day to you.

Michael Kelso: All right, guys. It is time to make a withdrawal from the First National Bank of Pinball.
[Kelso opens the machine. There are only two coins inside]
Michael Kelso: Oh, man. No one's playing.
Fez: [taunting] Well, I would've played, but my frogs and chickens wouldn't fit into the slot.

[Kelso enters the Hub, and sees a Space Invaders machine instead of the Pinball machine]
Michael Kelso: What the hell! Where's my pinball machine?
Fez: [chuckles] Oh, where, indeed? Oohoho... I remember. I convinced the owner that Pinball was out, and Space Invaders was in.
Michael Kelso: Fez, why would you stab me in the back like that?
Fez: [taunting] Well, rest assured, Kelso, your frogs and chickens comment had nothing to do with it.
[Kelso fails to understand that Fez is talking sarcastically]
Michael Kelso: Well, why then?

"That '70s Show: Ramble On (#5.5)" (2002)
[to Eric]
Michael Kelso: Man, that is one big bad-ass ring. Hey, maybe people will think that you won the Super Bowl.
Steven Hyde: Nah, nobody will believe that. But he could be the sick little boy that the whole team rallies around.

Eric Forman: How can I lose a 25 pound ring?
Michael Kelso: I once lost a six foot rubber chili dog, I still haven't found it, it's just gone!
Eric Forman: Hyde this is all your fault, you told Jackie I didn't like the ring
Michael Kelso: Hyde stabbed you in the back, no, he wouldn't do a thing like that, like he didn't steal Jackie from me, oh, wait a minute!
Steven Hyde: [To Eric] Look man I told her not to tell
Eric Forman: And I told you not to tell
Michael Kelso: [To Hyde] You and Jackie are gossiping now, the more you go out, the more like each other, you become
Eric Forman: Who knows what you and your little girlfriend are going to be up to in a couple of months
Jackie Burkhart: [Fantasy sequence] 2,4.6.8, who do we appreciate! Go team!
Steven Hyde: 2,4.6.8, who do we appreciate! Go team! Jackie I heard the best piece of gossip, Eric Forman doesn't have any school spirit
Jackie Burkhart: I'm telling everyone
Steven Hyde: Too late I already did
Steven Hyde: First of all Jackie's not my girlfriend and second of all I'm not the only one who spills stuff around here
Eric Forman: You're right, hey Kelso, Hyde watches Little House on the Prarie
Michael Kelso: [laughs] Little house on the prarie?
Steven Hyde: It reminds me of a simpler time

Michael Kelso: [Kelso's superhero fantasy]
Michael Kelso: [As Batman] Okay super pals I'm gonna need a status report
Steven Hyde: [As a wonder twin, stops making out with Jackie] My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe
Fez: [As Aquaman] The oceans are secure but I can't check for another 45 minutes because I just ate
Eric Forman: [As Superman entering with Donna as Wonder Woman] Hey guys
Michael Kelso: Oh no, you've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideous ring
Donna Pinciotti: Actually its a gift
Steven Hyde: Form of worst gift ever
[Holds his fist out to the side]
Jackie Burkhart: [As the other wonder twin] Shape up, I hope he kept the receipt
Eric Forman: Alien zombies are attacking the Earth, lets swing into action gang
Michael Kelso: Hold it, we're still on this ring
Steven Hyde: Are you sure its not an alien artifact?
Donna Pinciotti: I got it at the mall
Reginald "Red" Forman: Greetings dumbasses
Eric Forman: Oh, oh, its Dr Bald
Reginald "Red" Forman: My army of alien zombies is invading, good lord that is an ugly ring, alien zombies get a load of that ring
Eric Forman: That's it, this thing's coming off
Steven Hyde: Careful man, you drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation, we'll all go crashing into the sun
Michael Kelso: Yeah way to use science in a burn

"That '70s Show: The Kids Are Alright (#6.1)" (2003)
Michael Kelso: [Eric enters the kitchen wearing one of Donna's blouses] Forman, just 'cause there's a sale at Penney's doesn't mean you gotta buy everything!

Michael Kelso: Now, I'm going to drink my raw eggs.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, Michael, no.
Michael Kelso: No, Jackie, wait until I finish my eggs.
Jackie Burkhart: But Michael...
Michael Kelso: Jackie, whatever it is it can wait until I finish my eggs!
Jackie Burkhart: Fine!
[Kelso drinks the raw eggs]
Michael Kelso: There. Now, what is this that's so important that you had to tell me?
Jackie Burkhart: You're allergic to eggs.
[Kelso thinks and then laughs]
Michael Kelso: Oh, yeah, I am.
Michael Kelso: [still laughing] I have to go to the hospital now.

[Jackie and Kelso sit at the Hub]
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, do you think I'm immature?
Michael Kelso: No, you're almost fully grown.
Jackie Burkhart: Well... Steven thinks so. Apparently, I'm immature, and that skank in the leather jacket is what? Cool? Well, I can be cool, people can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was totally realistic.
[Jackie's daydream: she and Donna enter the Hub. Jackie wears the same black tight outfit that Olivia Newton-John wore at "You're The One That I Want" song scene in the movie "Grease". The guys are playing the arcade machine. Eric, Kelso and Fez turn around]
Eric Forman: [bites his hand] Wow!
Michael Kelso: [shakes his hand] Yowza!
Fez: [smiles, rubbing his belly] Yummy!
[Hyde turns around. He takes off his sunglasses, astonished to see Jackie - similarly to Danny Zuko's reaction when he saw how Sandy changed]
Steven Hyde: Jackie?
Jackie Burkhart: Tell me about it, Steve.
[the music of "You're The One That I Want" plays in the background. The gang starts dancing]
Steven Hyde: [in John Travolta's voice] I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, for the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'...
Jackie Burkhart: [in Olivia Newton-John's voice] You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you. You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must me true...
Steven Hyde: [in John Travolta's voice] Nothin' left, nothin' left for me and you...
Jackie Burkhart, Steven Hyde: You're the one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh. The one I need. Oh, yes, indeed...
[Hyde hugs Jackie. The music fades]
Steven Hyde: [in his normal voice] Oh, Jackie, you're so much cooler than that skank I was with before. Please take me back, 'cause we belong together like Bop-booba-loo-ba, sha-walla, sha-bang, sha-bang...
[Jackie and Hyde kiss passionately. The gang is overjoyed that the two are back together]
Michael Kelso: Ah! The whole gang is back together again.
[Fez kisses Eric on his cheek]
Eric Forman: Yes, they did it!
Donna Pinciotti: This is so great for the whole...
[end of Jackie's daydream]

"That '70s Show: A Legal Matter (#6.10)" (2004)
Michael Kelso: Come on, Eric, we're a team.
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah. Michael is the looks, Steven is the brain, and you? Your house has food.

Michael Kelso: I can't believe I'm the stooge.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, it's just the way some people are, okay? Some people are lazy, some people are clumsy, some people are stooges.
Steven Hyde: You're lucky enough to be all three.

Michael Kelso: You guys are making a pretty good case that I'm the stooge.
Steven Hyde: Well if you're not, there's a guy who's about to step on a rake that I really wanna meet.

"That '70s Show: Roller Disco (#3.5)" (2000)
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my God. I think Jackie and Fez are next. Look. There they are.
Michael Kelso: [shouting] Hey. The next contestants are cheaters. The brown guy is a robot.

Michael Kelso: I don't get Jackie, man. I mean, picking Fez over me? Me? I have the three things that women want. I'm hot, and I'm smart!
Donna Pinciotti: That's two things, you moron.
Michael Kelso: No, it's three. I count hot twice. I mean, come on.

"That '70s Show: Red and Stacey (#4.10)" (2001)
Eric Forman: She likes Red.
Donna Pinciotti: Oh my god!
Michael Kelso: You're gonna have to leave town!
Eric Forman: Why?
Michael Kelso: 'Cause we're gonna tell EVERYONE!

Steven Hyde: [to Eric] You're soft.
Donna Pinciotti, Michael Kelso: [Leaning over to Hyde, and in unison] How soft is he, Hyde?
Steven Hyde: [pauses] Softer than Liberace at the playboy mansion.
[They all start laughing again]

"That '70s Show: Eric Gets Suspended (#2.9)" (1999)
Michael Kelso: I'm just saying... how can I tell you this without hurting your feelings?... Oh, I know! Jackie, I don't want your stupid things in my cool van.
[Jackie gasps and storms out]
Michael Kelso: Wait! I didn't say you were stupid, just everything you like!

Hyde: Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.
Michael Kelso: Wow, back up. Why'd he get suspended?
Donna Pinciotti: Because he's stupid.
Michael Kelso: [terrified] They can do that?

"That '70s Show: Ski Trip (#1.13)" (1999)
Gus the Trucker: Tell me... did it hurt?
Michael Kelso: What?
Gus the Trucker: When you fell down from heaven?
Michael Kelso: [pause] No, I'm fine!

Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the gym!
Steven Hyde: Everyone!

"That '70s Show: Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die (#3.4)" (2000)
Michael Kelso: You want to see Fez and Eric run around? Someone might get hurt, it's funny when people get hurt.
Steven Hyde: Especially when their in there underwear.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, the only one dumb enough to get hurt around here, is you.
Michael Kelso: Okay, Jackie, I'm really starting get sick-
[cuts his finger on soda can]
Michael Kelso: OWW!

Michael Kelso: Oh, I've seen this episode, see those guys think Grant's a secret agent? He's not, it's a case of mistaken identity.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Right, like you've mistaken me for someone who wants you here.

"That '70s Show: Hunting (#2.13)" (2000)
Steven Hyde: So you caught those birds with just a whistle and a stick? Very impressive, Fez.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, you know, that's a good way to hunt. Because even if you don't get anything, you still have all the fun of a whistle and a stick.

Fez: I like Midge.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, we all like Midge.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Midge has nice jugs.
Bob Pinciotti: What?
Michael Kelso: What?
Bob Pinciotti: No, you said something.
Michael Kelso: [nervously] No I didn't. So what's up with your hair?

"That '70s Show: I'm Free (#6.5)" (2003)
[Jackie, Donna and Hyde chide Kelso for not taking responsibility on Brooke's baby]
Steven Hyde: Kelso, you know what you should do, but your not gonna do it because you're too much of a tool.
Michael Kelso: You know what? It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life.
[Kelso walks away. Hyde looks after him disgustedly]
Steven Hyde: Tool.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, Steven, you're sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too. This so foxy.
Steven Hyde: Hey, why don't we go down to my room, tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash, she lost our rent money at the track.
[Jackie nods excitedly. She and Hyde Jackie hug each other and enter the house]

Michael Kelso: Alright. At first, when you told me that I was off the hook, I was, like, totally psyched, right? But then I started to think about it, and... I don't want to be off the hook. I wanna be a part of this kid's life.
Brooke: Michael, I didn't let you off the hook to be nice. I just don't think you understand what it means to have a baby.
[Brooke stands, collects the leftovers of her meal and walks away. Kelso follows her]
Michael Kelso: No, but I do. It... it means taking him to teeball games, and... and teaching him how to ride a bike, and... taking him to the doctor when he's sick.
Brooke: And what if it's a girl?
Michael Kelso: Oh, it's not gonna be a girl. We did it standing up.
[Donna facepalms]
Brooke: [nods] Uh-huh.

"That '70s Show: Somebody to Love (#8.2)" (2005)
Michael Kelso: Hey, Sam, lemme ask you a question about being a striper: can I see your boobs?

Michael Kelso: [to Hyde] So if you're not gonna fire Randy and you're not gonna fire Leo, I have a question: can I see your wife's boobs?

"That '70s Show: Ice Shack (#3.10)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: It turns out the key to winning Jackie back was in the last place I thought to look: My own brain.

Donna Pinciotti: It's kinda cold.
Eric: Here! Take my jacket.
Donna Pinciotti: I love you.
Eric: God, we are such the... perfect couple.
Jackie Burkhardt: [looking at Kelso] I'm cold, too.
Michael Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie, I can't control the weather!

"That '70s Show: The Crunge (#5.10)" (2002)
Michael Kelso: Pavlov was this scientist guy, you know, and every time this dog would ring a bell, Pavlov would eat.

[Kelso sits on the couch, reading a book. Fez and Hyde come out of Hyde's room]
Steven Hyde: Kelso, what the hell are you doing with a book?
Michael Kelso: Reading.
[Hyde and Fez snicker]
Michael Kelso: I am reading, 'cause what good is having brains if you got nothing up here?
[Kelso taps his skull. Jackie comes down the stairs]
Jackie Burkhart: Hey.
[Jackie and Hyde kiss, then they sit down]
Jackie Burkhart: So, I saw my dad in prison today.
Steven Hyde: Oh. How was it?
Jackie Burkhart: Well, first it was a real downer, then I realized that I'll be okay without my dad. Because the S.A.T. proved that there's another man who could take care of me.
Steven Hyde: You better be talking about Santa Claus.
Jackie Burkhart: No, Steven, I'm talking about you, because you have potential.
Michael Kelso: He doesn't have potential. I have potential. Like, I'm reading Moby Dick, and I'm not even halfway through, and I can already tell you the ending: The whale is a robot.

"That '70s Show: Gimme Shelter (#7.20)" (2005)
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, everything is set for the party tonight! Oh, and Fez, I need you to get there a little early so you can park everyone's cars.
Fez: Sorry, Jackie, I can't make it.
Jackie Burkhart: What?
Fez: Yeah, Kelso and I have to find an apartment tonight, or Red is going to kill me in my sleep.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, and I can't let Fez go alone.
Jackie Burkhart: Why not?
Michael Kelso: 'Cause then I'll have to go to your party, which I don't want to do.
Steven Hyde: Oh, no, no, Kelso, you have to go. If you're not there, and Fez is not there, it's gonna be pretty damn obvious that I'm not there.
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, Steven, I understand you don't like dinner parties. But just let me make my case.
[Jackie kicks Hyde's ankle]
Steven Hyde: [winces painfully] Ohh!
Jackie Burkhart: [firmly] You're going!

Michael Kelso: We found one place yesterday that was perfect, but we can't get it 'cause Fez and the landlord are having a feud.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Well, you're not spending another night under my roof. So come on, we're gonna have a chat with this landlord. What's this guy got against you anyway?
Fez: I don't know, that's like asking you why you hate commies. You don't know why. You just do.
Reginald "Red" Forman: I know exactly why I hate commies. They wouldn't stop shooting at me!

"That '70s Show: That '70s Finale (#8.22)" (2006)
[Kelso walks into the living room with a big bottle rocket]
Michael Kelso: Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?
Red Forman: Sure and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
Steven Hyde: And that my friends, is the last foot-in-ass of the decade! Cheers!
Kitty Forman: Michael, I just... it's so good to see you. The girls in the emergency room where just asking about you.
Michael Kelso: You know, it's like I've been gone for so long, I almost forgot you're a hot Mom!
Kitty Forman: Oh! Hahahahaha!
Red Forman: You know what else it hot?... My foot when it's in your ass.
Steven Hyde: Look at that. He got one more in him.

[Final lines of the series]
Eric: Hey guys, last one upstairs has to call Red a dumbass!
[the gang rushes upstairs. Hyde grabs Kelso and makes him the last left behind]
Michael Kelso: Oh, man...
[Kelso wears the "Stupid Helmet" and goes upstairs. Meanwhile, everyone count loudly from 10 to 1. The license plate at the end of the closing credits finally switches from '79 to '80]

"That '70s Show: Jackie's Cheese Squeeze (#4.19)" (2002)
Michael Kelso: Alright, look. Jackie, here's the deal, you cheated on me.
Jackie Burkhart: You used to cheat on me all the time.
Michael Kelso: Yeah? Well, yeah. But you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.

Michael Kelso: Your ass is mine, cheese puff.
Todd: How did you know my nickname?

"That '70s Show: Radio Daze (#3.14)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: But this an El Camino. That's Spanish for "The Camino."

Fez: Well errand boy, you just sold your soul for a car
Michael Kelso: Who cares, Fez. Your soul is like an Appendix, I don't even use it.

"That '70s Show: Burning Down the House (#2.15)" (2000)
Michael Kelso: Man, I wish Jackie would loosen up. She's throwing a great party down here and she's missing it.
Fez: Kelso, you don't get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie, and you crapped on it.
Steven Hyde: Alright, ease up on Kelso, huh?
Michael Kelso: Thanks, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: [sarcastically] Yeah, so you did something horrible, but it's Jackie, so who cares?
Michael Kelso: No wait, what are you saying?
Fez: I'm saying you burned her man, royally. Nice job.
Michael Kelso: But no, man, I didn't want to burn her. I invited all these people to her party so it would be fun, to make it good.
Fez: She didn't want a good party, she wanted her party.
Michael Kelso: You know what? You're right Fez. Alright, this party's over. Everybody out!
Eric Forman: No, Kelso, what are you saying man? Think!
Michael Kelso: You know what guys? For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking.
[Kelso throws his lit cigar in the trashcan]
Michael Kelso: You know I'm in danger of ruining the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I am not going to let that happen.
[Eric, Hyde and Fez bend forward to look at the trashcan erupting into flames]
Steven Hyde: Kelso...
Michael Kelso: Do not interrupt me, this is important! From now on, I'm going to put Jackie's needs first and she's going to be so proud of me!
[Hyde points to the trashcan. Kelso finally notices the fire]
Michael Kelso: Whoa!
[Kelso foolishly pours his brandy on the fire in an attempt to put it out. Naturally, the alcoholic drink nourishes the fire]
Michael Kelso: Whoa man, this is a rager! Give me your brandies!
[Kelso grabs their glasses and pours more brandy on the fire]
Michael Kelso: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

[Jackie and Donna walk down the hallway, toward the party, unaware to the fire Kelso started]
Jackie Burkhart: God, how dare you say that about me and Michael?
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, you wanted my honest opinion.
Jackie Burkhart: Your honest opinion that we're great together. Look, you were wrong about Michael. He knows he made a mistake and he's going to make it up to me. You wait and see.
[at Jackie's living room, "Disco Inferno" plays. Smoke fills the room, and Kelso tries unsuccessfully to put out the fire with a pillow. Jackie and Donna enter]
Michael Kelso: Uh, Jackie, where's the fire extinguisher?
[Jackie is shocked to see the mess Kelso made in her house. Kelso starts blowing on the fire in futile attempt to put it out]

"That '70s Show: Drive in (#1.8)" (1998)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Eric is that Kid from not America down here?
Eric Forman: Dad it's Fez!
Reginald "Red" Forman: Yeah whatever! The Erdmans called and they they want him to Go Home! Kelso stop saying Porno!
Michael Kelso: I didn't say it Mr. Foreman. Fez did!
Fez: [to Kelso] You are a bitch!

Michael Kelso: Eric! 'The Omen' is playing at the drive-in! Do you know what this means for us? It's make-out city!
Eric Forman: I... I really like you as a friend, Kelso. But can I bring a girl?

"That '70s Show: Eric's Stash (#2.12)" (2000)
Michael Kelso: College is for ugly girls who can't get modeling contracts.
Donna Pinciotti: No, college is for women who don't want to marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard moron children.

Michael Kelso: You know what's a funny word? Pickle-weasel!

"That '70s Show: The Career Day (#1.18)" (1999)
Michael Kelso: In the morning my dad and I picked the carrots fresh off the trees
Steven Hyde: Kelso, that's... that's good, go with that.

"That '70s Show: Uncomfortable Ball Stuff (#4.7)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: Look man, breaking up sucks, okay? When Jackie dumped me, you know what she said? "Something, something... Never want to see you again... Blah, blah, blah..." Hey, you think that didn't hurt?

"That '70s Show: Won't Get Fooled Again (#6.13)" (2004)
Michael Kelso: I have an idea!
Steven Hyde: Oh, Good. Kelso is gonna make it worse now.

"That '70s Show: The Acid Queen (#6.4)" (2003)
[after Kelso tries in vain to convince the others he had sex with Brooke, she comes to the basement]
Brooke: Kelso, we have to talk about doing it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Michael Kelso: Just a second, Brooke.
[to Fez]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Eric and Donna]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Hyde]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Jackie]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Michael Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Michael Kelso: So, Brooke. What did want to talk about?
Brooke: I just found out I'm pregnant.
Michael Kelso: [defensively] I never touched her!

"That '70s Show: Mother's Little Helper (#7.7)" (2004)
[repeated line]
Michael Kelso: You know what your problem is? I'm too good looking.

"That '70s Show: Laurie and the Professor (#2.4)" (1999)
Jackie Burkhardt: No offence Eric, but your sister is as slutty as they come.
Michael Kelso: Eric, would you let her talk about your sister like that?
Eric: Sure.

"That '70s Show: The Promise Ring (#3.25)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: Oh my god. Am I talking in rhyme. I wish I could do that all the time. Oh, I did it again.

"That '70s Show: Christmas (#6.7)" (2003)
Michael Kelso: [to Brooke] Pregnant women should not be standing on their tiptoes, 'cause the baby will come out all cross-eyed.

"That '70s Show: Stolen Car (#1.14)" (1999)
Eric Forman: [Kelso has borrowed a car from his cousin, Sully] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael Kelso: Maybe he's, like, religious or something.
Steven Hyde: Wasn't Sully in prison for arson?
Michael Kelso: Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God, too, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?
Fez: Sully must love bingo.
Eric Forman: All right. I'm starting to think that this isn't Sully's car.
Michael Kelso: Then whose car is it?
[Police siren wails behind them and they stare forward in shock]

"That '70s Show: First Date (#1.16)" (1999)
Jackie Burkhart: I can't believe you, Michael.
Michael Kelso: What?
Jackie Burkhart: You can't just maul me in front of my father!
Michael Kelso: I bet he didn't even notice.
Jackie Burkhart: He yelled at you to stop it.
Michael Kelso: I thought he was yelling at you.

"That '70s Show: Canadian Road Trip (#3.23)" (2001)
Eric: Okay, guys. Road trip checklist. Car: Check. Okay. We're good.
Fez: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Steven Hyde: Well, the beer is stronger, and as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez: Then let's haul ass to Canada!
Eric: Okay. Shh. Fez. If my dad finds out that we're going to Canada uh, for beer, no less, he's gonna start killing people, okay? People like us. So keep it down.
Michael Kelso: [Runs up to the guys] All right! Canada! Whoo-hoo! Beer!
[blows his horn]
Eric: Kelso, you're not going.
Michael Kelso: What? Why not?
Steven Hyde: Because this is a risky mission and you tend to screw these things up.
Michael Kelso: That is a damnable lie!
Eric: Okay. Kelso, remember that time we were gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridwell's door, and you lit it in the car on the way over?
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I wanted to see it all flamey.
Eric: And then you panicked and stepped on it.
Michael Kelso: Eric, it was on fire!
Eric: Okay, You're not going.
Michael Kelso: No, no, no. Fine. I won't use the air horn, and I'll pay for the gas and the beer
Eric: I can't stay mad at you... Come on, you big lug.
Leo: [already sitting in the backseat of the car] Hey, dudes.
Steven Hyde: Leo, man, what are you doin' here?
Leo: Sittin'. What are you doin' here?
Steven Hyde: We're goin' to Canada to buy beer.
Leo: Canada? Cool, man. I spent some time up there during 'Nam.
Eric: Oh, conscientious objector, huh?
Leo: No. I didn't mind. Hey, a road trip sounds good, man, but I don't want nothin' to do with that beer. That stuff will mess with your mind, man.

"That '70s Show: Battle of the Sexists (#1.4)" (1998)
Michael Kelso: Donna beat you at basketball?
Fez: Is this true, Eric?
Eric: Yeah, is that a big deal?
Steven Hyde: Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.
Michael Kelso: Especially a girl you love.
Fez: In my country, if a woman beats you it makes her want you.
Eric: Really?
Fez: Yeah, but this is America, wuss.

"That '70s Show: Bye Bye Basement (#4.5)" (2001)
Donna Pinciotti: So Eric made friends with me when I was five so he could do it with me when I'm seventeen?
Michael Kelso: Well, that, and your sweet Big Wheel.

"That '70s Show: Eric's Buddy (#1.11)" (1998)
Michael Kelso: I don't see why you can't serve us our food, Frank. We are paying customers, you know.
Frank: Hey, I didn't lose a leg in Vietnam so I can serve some hot dogs to teenagers.
Michael Kelso: You have both of your legs, Frank.
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!

"That '70s Show: Sunday, Bloody Sunday (#1.10)" (1998)
[to Jackie and Kelso]
Donna Pinciotti: Finally. Where have you guys been?
Michael Kelso: We had to look for the paper, and eat, and then some stuff happened, you know.
Eric Forman: Your shirt's on inside out.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, that's the stuff.

"That '70s Show: The Seeker (#6.25)" (2004)
Michael Kelso: Would it make you feel better if I told you Eric left a note?
Donna Pinciotti: Eric left a note?
Michael Kelso: No. But hold on to that feeling.

"That '70s Show: Eric's Birthday (#1.2)" (1998)
Michael Kelso: Hey, Eric, maybe she's going to give you the big gift. You know, the BIG gift. You guys know what I'm talking about right?
Steven Hyde: Yes, Kelso. We got it. Then, we got it.
Fez: I'm not even from here, and I got it.

"That '70s Show: Time Is on My Side (#7.1)" (2004)
Eric: You know, this whole marriage thing has made me think: why am I in such a hurry to grow up? You know life is like a train. It's bearing down on you, and guess what? It's gonna hit you! So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance, or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer, and just watch it come!
Kelso: I did that once.
Eric: No, Kelso. Not a real train... a metaphorical one...
Kelso: Like a... like a ghost train?
[Eric stares at Kelso for a moment]
Eric: Yes... a ghost train.

"That '70s Show: Jackie Says Cheese (#4.13)" (2002)
[Jackie receives a paycheck - the first salary she has ever earned in her life]
Jackie Burkhart: [excited] Oh my gosh! It's a check!
[Jackie points to the corner of the check]
Jackie Burkhart: And that's my name! Mine!
Michael Kelso: So... we can stay together!
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, and I can still be rich!
Michael Kelso: Yeah!
Donna Pinciotti: Well, if this isn't gonna go badly, I'm heading home.
[Donna turns to leave]
Michael Kelso: No, wait. Jackie deserves a celebration. Hey, let's go buy me that remote control car!
Jackie Burkhart: [firmly] No, Michael. Money doesn't grow on trees.
[Jackie pauses, realizing what she has just said]
Jackie Burkhart: Money *doesn't* grow on trees. You know, I think having a job is changing me. Okay, think about it: a whole new me.
Michael Kelso, Donna Pinciotti: That'll be great!

"That '70s Show: Babe I'm Gonna Leave You (#5.14)" (2003)
[Jackie is at the dance with Hyde]
Michael Kelso: How can she be with him when she's so clearly not over me?
Annette: I think the question is, how can you be with me when you're so clearly not over her?
Michael Kelso: Wait, is this a riddle? Start over.

"That '70s Show: Misty Mountain Hop (#5.12)" (2003)
Fez: Boy, Jackie looks mad.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I cheated on her like a hundred times and she never looked that pissed.

"That '70s Show: Join Together (#6.2)" (2003)
[Kelso talks with Hyde, trying to make him reconcile with Jackie]
Michael Kelso: Look, Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry, but... there's gotta some things that you did, that you wish you hadn't done. Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was, and then you licked your lips, and you rubbed you stomach and you were like "Mmm, it's really good, Kelso", and then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't of done that.
Steven Hyde: Yeah... well, maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.
Michael Kelso: [nods] Now see, that's something that Jackie oughta know.
[some time later:]
Michael Kelso: Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.
Jackie Burkhart: [confused] What?
Michael Kelso: I'm just telling you what he said.
Jackie Burkhart: Alright, look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.
Michael Kelso: Well, somebody ought to make that clear.
[some time later:]
Michael Kelso: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.
Steven Hyde: [confused] That can't be what she said.
Michael Kelso: It's word for word, man.
Steven Hyde: Kelso, would you get outta here?
Michael Kelso: What? I'm helping.
Steven Hyde: You're making me wanna kick your ass!
Michael Kelso: [angrily] That better be the rash talking.
[Kelso leaves. Hyde throws the basketball at his back]

"That '70s Show: An Eric Forman Christmas (#4.12)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: rudolph had a GIRLFRIEND! ok her name was clarise! she thought he was cute. now if anyone was gay it was that hermey guy, i mean NO straight elf has hair like that!

"That '70s Show: Eric's False Alarm (#4.25)" (2002)
Jackie Burkhart: [tired of Kelso spying on her] Michael, you've lost your mind!
Michael Kelso: Yep, and I don't miss it!

"That '70s Show: We're Not Gonna Take It (#6.6)" (2003)
Michael Kelso: [Kelso trying to train to be a waiter] I can't believe I did it!
Eric: I can't believe the glue held. Your first shift will not go well.
Michael Kelso: [holding the tray side ways] Yeah it'll be a disaster!

"That '70s Show: Immigrant Song (#5.24)" (2003)
[Hyde, Kelso and Fez are on top of the water tower, with black paint and brushes for writing graffiti]
Michael Kelso: So, Hyde. I gave Jackie some jellybeans today.
Steven Hyde: Who cares?
Michael Kelso: Well, you should because they were pink, and that is the bean of love, and I got her that particular bean because I never stopped loving her.
Steven Hyde: [sarcastically] Well, you stopped long enough to cheat on her with Pam Macy, Laurie and Annette. Who else am I forgetting?
Michael Kelso: [laughs] Ho-ho-ho! There where many others, but you cheated on her with a nurse.
Steven Hyde: It was a misunderstanding that you caused. That's it, lets go!
[Hyde approached Kelso menacingly. Fez tries to stop them from fighting]
Michael Kelso: Oh, okay, I hope you got that nurse's phone number cause your gonna need it when I'm done with ya!
Fez: Hey! Stop it! Stop it! You two need to grow up and start painting genitals on the water tower!
Michael Kelso: Fine! I'll be over here.
Steven Hyde: Fine! I'll be over here.
[Hyde and Kelso return to their original spots]

"That '70s Show: Eric's Panties (#3.6)" (2000)
[Donna confronts Eric with the panties she found in his car]
Eric Forman: Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are!
[Midge rushes in, snatching the panties from Donna]
Midge Pinciotti: Donna! Those panties are mine.
[hearing that, Kelso and Fez get excited, thinking incorrectly that Eric had sex with Midge]
Michael Kelso: Eric! OOOH! OOOH!
[Kelso and Fez bow down]
Michael Kelso: You are a god! A god I say!
[Donna pulls her mother to the side]
Donna Pinciotti: Um, Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
Fez: And please as specific.
Midge Pinciotti: Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things... in creative places.
Michael Kelso, Fez: [disgusted] UGH!

"That '70s Show: Fez Gets the Girl (#3.12)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: Jackie, why do you wanna go anyway? You hate Led Zeppelin.
Jackie Burkhart: I never said I hated them, Michael. For your information, I think Led is hot.

"That '70s Show: Hyde Moves In (#1.24)" (1999)
Michael Kelso: 'No Parents' would be cool, like the Lord of the Flies!
Eric Forman: Kelso, did you ever FINISH Lord of the Flies?
Michael Kelso: No, so...?

"That '70s Show: Dine & Dash (#3.13)" (2001)
[Kelso comes running into the basement]
Michael Kelso: Hey guys, guess what I got!
Steven Hyde: V.D.?
Michael Kelso: No. A 100 bucks!
Eric: Money to treat your V.D.?

"That '70s Show: What Is and What Should Never Be (#5.3)" (2002)
Michael Kelso: Hey guys! What are you talking about?
Eric, Steven Hyde: [at the exact same time] Indie 500
Eric: Niiice!

"Robot Chicken: Gold Dust Gasoline (#1.3)" (2005)
Fez: [phone rings] Kelso!
Michael Kelso: Fez! I just took your picture with my phone! I just sent it to you!
Fez: [checks phone] Oooh... what a sexy photo! It really captures my metrosexuality!
Steven Hyde: Okay... who just text messaged me saying I'm a douche bag?
Michael Kelso: *Burn!*

"That '70s Show: Eric's Drunken Tattoo (#3.22)" (2001)
[Kelso is talking in his sleep and talks about marrying Jackie. Jackie smiles happily, thinking that he means her]
Jackie Burkhart: I love you, Michael Kelso.
Michael Kelso: [still sleeping] I love you too, Jackie Onassis.
[Jackie's smile immediately fades]

"That '70s Show: The Trials of M. Kelso (#3.18)" (2001)
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, I have some bad news... I just found out I have BHD.
Michael Kelso: ...BHD?
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, Brutal Hair Disease. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and get all my hair shaved off.
Michael Kelso: So... you'll be...
Jackie Burkhart: Bald, Michael, B-A-L-D, no hair, shiny head, BALD... And my hair... won't EVER grow back either. Will you still love me when I'm bald?
Michael Kelso: ...you can wear a wig...?
Jackie Burkhart: So Michael, are you saying you would NOT love me if I didn't have a luscious full-bodied head of hair?
Michael Kelso: [sees Donna laughing of him and realizes he's being tested] OH! No, Jackie, no, I would love you even MORE. I would shave off my hair and paste it to your head.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, that's beautiful!
Michael Kelso: [to Donna] That was a test, right? 'Cause bald chicks are gross.

"That '70s Show: That Disco Episode (#1.7)" (1998)
Michael Kelso: Jackie, where did you go?
Jackie Burkhardt: I had to go and get something for you to bite on. I told everyone you were having a seizure.

"That '70s Show: The First Time (#2.16)" (2000)
Michael Kelso: Rrrr, could you BE any more annoying?
Jackie Burkhardt: YES!

"That '70s Show: Water Tower (#1.21)" (1999)
Steven Hyde: Okay. All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?
Michael Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Steven Hyde: I bled. I didn't cry.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled AND you cried.
Steven Hyde: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding... You see my point?
Michael Kelso: Yeah: it's funny when friends get hurt.
Steven Hyde: Close enough.

"That '70s Show: Jackie Bags Hyde (#3.8)" (2000)
Michael Kelso: I'm whats known as man-pretty.

"That '70s Show: Donna's Panties (#3.15)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: Hey guys, check out this article in "Boy's Life."
Eric: "The Square Knot Not Just For Squares"?
Michael Kelso: No the one about being an astronaut. I think I'm gonna do that.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I think in order for them to let you be an astronaut, you have to be not dumb.
Michael Kelso: No, 'cause if they can send a monkey into space, they can send me.
Steven Hyde: I don't know. Monkeys are pretty smart.
Michael Kelso: All right, fine, make fun of me. But when you see my shoe prints on the moon, what are you gonna say then?
Eric: Probably "Hey some monkey is wearing Kelso's shoes!"

"That '70s Show: Halloween (#2.5)" (1999)
[the gang is burying their permanent records]
Jackie Burkhart: This is so stupid. Why don't we just burn them?
Michael Kelso: Jackie, they've already been in a fire. They can't be destroyed that way.

"That '70s Show: Nobody's Fault But Mine (#5.23)" (2003)
[Hyde and Kelso decide to drive to Fez]
Michael Kelso: Fine, Shotgun!
Steven Hyde: There's only 2 of us, you moron!

"That '70s Show: The Battle of Evermore (#5.17)" (2003)
Michael Kelso: You know Leo never liked phones. He said he could hear voices in 'em.