Jackie Burkhart
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Quotes for
Jackie Burkhart (Character)
from "That '70s Show" (1998)

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"That '70s Show: Can't You Hear Me Knocking (#7.13)" (2005)
Steven Hyde: Seriously Jackie don't you have something to say?
Jackie Burkhart: Like what?
Steven Hyde: I don't know, I'm a spoilt, crazy whack job and I'm sorry
Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady
Michael Kelso: Especially a spoilt crazy whack job, that's likely to get you killed
Reginald "Red" Forman: [entering] Oh my god, there's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even that's going to ruin my day
Eric Forman: Yes only one and one man only has the power to do that, tis I
Reginald "Red" Forman: No not even you can do that and who the hell talks like that
Kitty Forman: Red, honey you were happy remember?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing
Kitty Forman: I'll come too, I'll grab my fishing stick
Reginald "Red" Forman: I don't want to go
Kitty Forman: Why not?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Because I don't want you to go
Michael Kelso: [using a golf stick like a shotgun] Burn

Karate Instructor: You don't understand Jackie, I am a stranger who wants to hurt you
[gets in a fighting stance]
Jackie Burkhart: I'm not buying it
Donna Pinciotti: [to Jackie] Okay maybe its not a stranger, maybe its someone who's already hurt you like Hyde
Jackie Burkhart: Watch it Donna
Donna Pinciotti: You with a glimpse of hope asked him if you had a future and he said I don't know
[to the other students]
Donna Pinciotti: I don't know! Like Jackie Burkhart wasn't special enough, I thought Jackie Burkhart was special but apparently you're no better than me
Jackie Burkhart: All men are bastards!
[She pushes the karate instructor behind the screen and hits knee, punches and elbows to the back of the neck]
Jackie Burkhart: I'm better then everyone and its Jackie, not Jackie san,just Jackie, dork san
[She kicks him in the nads]

Jackie Burkhart: There were dogs on the path so we climbed to the top of this tall thing to get away from them
Donna Pinciotti: That was me
Fez: Dogs?
Donna Pinciotti: What did you do!
Eric Forman: What! Nothing! Kelso thought there was a death ray so he called the White House and we thought the Feds were after us! But its okay, we just imagined it
Donna Pinciotti: I'm cutting you off, where's your stash?
Michael Kelso: Its all gone man

Jackie Burkhart: [To the karate instructor] Someone might follow one of these other women home but when people follow me, its usually to ask me where I get my hair done or to give me presents
Donna Pinciotti: That's true, I've seen it

Jackie Burkhart: I would never be in an alley because I'm not poor and if I ever was in an alley, I would have a boy with me to protect me
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie you're not always going to be with a guy, you're not with one now and no I don't count


"That '70s Show: Jackie's Cheese Squeeze (#4.19)" (2002)
Michael Kelso: Alright, look. Jackie, here's the deal, you cheated on me.
Jackie Burkhart: You used to cheat on me all the time.
Michael Kelso: Yeah? Well, yeah. But you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.

Jackie Burkhart: So, friends?
Eric Forman: As long as you promise not to tell people we're friends.

[Eric catches Jackie and Todd kissing]
Jackie Burkhart: Eric! Did you get a haircut? 'Cause I love it. You look just like Parker Stevenson.
Eric Forman: Oh, really? 'Cause I told the guy he should.... No! No, no. That's not gonna work, tramp-face. I saw tongue!

Jackie Burkhart: I was waiting outside for Michael to pick me up, but the idiot never showed.
Todd: That's the third time this week. Three strikes and he's out according to the rules of baseball... and love.
Jackie Burkhart: Actually, it's four strikes, if you count the time he showed up late 'cause he had to see how the Jetsons ended.
Todd: Oh man. First he goes behind your back and takes that modeling job and now this whole Jetsons thing. No futuristic cartoon could ever keep me from you.


"That '70s Show: I Can't Quit You Babe (#5.2)" (2002)
[Hyde explains how he and Jackie got together]
Steven Hyde: It was obvious she wanted me.
[we see the recollection of Hyde]
Jackie Burkhart: I want you.
Steven Hyde: It's obvious.

[Eric and Donna walked in Jackie and Hyde while they were making out]
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, so, um... what exactly did you see?
Eric Forman: Hands, tongues, yours, his... It was horrible!
Donna Pinciotti: You were like Siamese twins, joined at the beard.

[Hyde just left and Jackie makes up an excuse to leave as well]
Jackie Burkhart: I just remembered that I have to go to the mall because they're having this big Monday Madness Sale.
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, it's Tuesday.
Jackie Burkhart: See? Total madness!

[talking with Donna]
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, this is my Michael box. I saved everything that loser ever gave me.
[she opens the box and pulls out a rubber chicken]
Jackie Burkhart: Hmm. One-year anniversary... What a moron.
[she throws the rubber chicken away]


"That '70s Show: Baby Fever (#3.7)" (2000)
[Kelso finds out Jackie smashed his van]
Michael Kelso: How did this happen, Jackie, how?
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, like I said...
Michael Kelso: How?
Jackie Burkhart: Coming out of the drive...
Michael Kelso: [yells] HOW?
Steven Hyde: Kelso. Come on man, relax. Let those of us who aren't you enjoy this moment.
Fez: Besides, it's not all that bad. This door still works.
[Fez tries to open the remaining back door, and it falls off]
Eric Forman: Hey, Jackie. What happened to the other door?
Jackie Burkhart: Other door?
Eric Forman: Yeah, you know, the thing that always got in the way... of this giant, gaping hole.

Michael Kelso: You owe me money.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Michael Kelso: Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The... shag carpeting, uh... eight track, strobe light, black light, red light.
Jackie Burkhart: I hate you!
Michael Kelso: Well, I hate you more!
Jackie Burkhart: I hate you most!
Michael Kelso: Well, I hate you the... damn it!
Steven Hyde: All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is - a divorce.
Fez: Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.
Steven Hyde: All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.
Jackie Burkhart: Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
Michael Kelso: I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
Steven Hyde: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Michael Kelso: Right.
Steven Hyde: [takes a notepad and starts writing] All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie Burkhart: Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Michael Kelso: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.
[Kelso takes off his shirt and gives it to Jackie]
Fez: [takes the notepad from Hyde] Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso... uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Michael Kelso: Well... uh... w... one time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky.
[angrily, Jackie slaps Kelso on his bare chest]
Michael Kelso: And... and... Hyde, help me out here.
Steven Hyde: Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
Michael Kelso: Hyde!
Steven Hyde: Dude, you burned her house.

[Kelso is sitting on the couch, wearing only his underwears, shivering cold. Hyde is still calculating what Jackie and Kelso owe each other. Fez is playing with a yo-yo]
Michael Kelso: I'm cold.
Fez: That must be why your nipples are so pointy.
[Kelso slaps Fez's arm]
Fez: Oh, pointy nipple man is mad. I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples.
Steven Hyde: All right, that was really disturbing. Okay. Here we go. According to my calculations, for repairs to the van: Jackie, you owe Kelso $ 65.
Michael Kelso: [triumphantly] Aha! Justice!
Steven Hyde: Yeah. And, Kelso, you owe Jackie... $ 8,265.
[Kelso is shocked to hear that]
Jackie Burkhart: [triumphantly] Aha! Pay up, moocher!
Michael Kelso: Wha-wha... no, no. This is... that's totally unfair! Hyde, you suck.
Steven Hyde: You could have been a man and forgiven her. But no. You wanted to do the math.
Michael Kelso: Man, math has never been my friend. Wait. No. But she had other guys in my van!
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, YOU had other girls in your van while we were dating! So, give me my $ 8,000!
Michael Kelso: Okay. I change my mind. I forgive you.
[Jackie glares at Kelso]

Michael Kelso: Jackie, what are these?
[takes a pair of drumsticks from the back of his van]
Jackie Burkhart: Umm, vansticks?


"That '70s Show: Ramble On (#5.5)" (2002)
Jackie Burkhart: You're mad at me for telling Donna Eric's secret, I tell secrets, that's who I am
Steven Hyde: All I know is if you're going to be my girlfriend, you can't go shooting off your big fat cheerleader mouth
Jackie Burkhart: Wait you just called me your girlfriend
Steven Hyde: No I didn't
Jackie Burkhart: Yes you did
Steven Hyde: No I didn't
Jackie Burkhart: Yes you did
Steven Hyde: No I didn't
Jackie Burkhart: Yes you did, shut up you're ruining it
[moving to his bed]
Jackie Burkhart: listen I'll stop telling secrets if you admit I'm your girlfriend
Steven Hyde: No the price is too high
Jackie Burkhart: I'm going to tell everyone everything anyway starting with you called me your girlfriend
Steven Hyde: You're blackmailing me now? you're coming along nicely
[They kiss]

Eric Forman: How can I lose a 25 pound ring?
Michael Kelso: I once lost a six foot rubber chili dog, I still haven't found it, it's just gone!
Eric Forman: Hyde this is all your fault, you told Jackie I didn't like the ring
Michael Kelso: Hyde stabbed you in the back, no, he wouldn't do a thing like that, like he didn't steal Jackie from me, oh, wait a minute!
Steven Hyde: [To Eric] Look man I told her not to tell
Eric Forman: And I told you not to tell
Michael Kelso: [To Hyde] You and Jackie are gossiping now, the more you go out, the more like each other, you become
Eric Forman: Who knows what you and your little girlfriend are going to be up to in a couple of months
Jackie Burkhart: [Fantasy sequence] 2,4.6.8, who do we appreciate! Go team!
Steven Hyde: 2,4.6.8, who do we appreciate! Go team! Jackie I heard the best piece of gossip, Eric Forman doesn't have any school spirit
Jackie Burkhart: I'm telling everyone
Steven Hyde: Too late I already did
Steven Hyde: First of all Jackie's not my girlfriend and second of all I'm not the only one who spills stuff around here
Eric Forman: You're right, hey Kelso, Hyde watches Little House on the Prarie
Michael Kelso: [laughs] Little house on the prarie?
Steven Hyde: It reminds me of a simpler time

Michael Kelso: [Kelso's superhero fantasy]
Michael Kelso: [As Batman] Okay super pals I'm gonna need a status report
Steven Hyde: [As a wonder twin, stops making out with Jackie] My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe
Fez: [As Aquaman] The oceans are secure but I can't check for another 45 minutes because I just ate
Eric Forman: [As Superman entering with Donna as Wonder Woman] Hey guys
Michael Kelso: Oh no, you've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideous ring
Donna Pinciotti: Actually its a gift
Steven Hyde: Form of worst gift ever
[Holds his fist out to the side]
Jackie Burkhart: [As the other wonder twin] Shape up, I hope he kept the receipt
Eric Forman: Alien zombies are attacking the Earth, lets swing into action gang
Michael Kelso: Hold it, we're still on this ring
Steven Hyde: Are you sure its not an alien artifact?
Donna Pinciotti: I got it at the mall
Reginald "Red" Forman: Greetings dumbasses
Eric Forman: Oh, oh, its Dr Bald
Reginald "Red" Forman: My army of alien zombies is invading, good lord that is an ugly ring, alien zombies get a load of that ring
Eric Forman: That's it, this thing's coming off
Steven Hyde: Careful man, you drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation, we'll all go crashing into the sun
Michael Kelso: Yeah way to use science in a burn


"That '70s Show: Eric's Burger Job (#1.5)" (1998)
Jackie Burkhart: I just want to listen to the guitar solo one more time.
Steven Hyde: Not again put the headphones on
[Jackie holds up the cord and plugs it in then puts on the headphones]
Steven Hyde: Now wrap it around your neck.

Jackie Burkhart: Wait so your parents are going to be out of town?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah it's just going to be me alone Saturday, well I'm babysitting my sister Tina; I'll watch some TV, maybe order a pizza
Michael Kelso: Let's have a party, a toga party
Jackie Burkhart: Michael maybe she doesn't want to have a party, maybe she wants to be alone
Donna Pinciotti: Well it'd just be me but if someone happens to come by, that'll be cool
Michael Kelso: Party at Donna's
Fez: Donna I've never been to an American party, may I come?
Donna Pinciotti: I don't care, so Eric will you be there?
Eric: Eric:
[not looking up from the newspaper]
Eric: Yeah, sure
Jackie Burkhart: [Donna leaves the basement and Jackie smacks Eric and Kelso across the back of the head] You are both so stupid
Steven Hyde: That's a first, I actually agree with Jackie
[to Eric]
Steven Hyde: she totally put on a full court press man and you dropped the ball
Eric: What are you talking about, all she said was she's going to be alone Saturday, order a pizza, oh my God, I'm so stupid

Steven Hyde: Hello my minimum wage friend, I demand service
Eric: Welcome to fatso burger, how may I serve you?
Steven Hyde: That is so sad man
Michael Kelso: Jackie I've been racking my brain trying to thinking of why this guy didn't hire me
Jackie Burkhart: Michael I'm so sick of hearing this, you've still got me
Michael Kelso: I'm good looking and he's jealous, this body's a curse!
Jackie Burkhart: If you worked you wouldn't be able to see me whenever I wanted lover
[They kiss]
Fez: Please stop touching, it gives me needs


"That '70s Show: Jackie Bags Hyde (#3.8)" (2000)
Jackie Burkhart: I wish my daddy could buy him for me.

Jackie Burkhart: Wait. Is Fez Puerto Rican?
Donna Pinciotti: You know what... I don't know.

[Hyde and Jackie are sitting on the back of her car at night. Hyde takes a swallow of his pop. Jackie looks at him and smiles]
Jackie Burkhart: This is the best date ever.
Hyde: Jackie, we haven't talked in 30 minutes.
Jackie Burkhart: That's okay. Steven, you don't have to say anything. I understand you.
Hyde: [sneers] Oh, you do, do you?
Jackie Burkhart: Sure. Ok, so you're probably sitting there thinking "I'm on this date with this girl who really, really likes me... and, and she's so beautiful that..."
Hyde: Jackie...
[Jackie puts her finger to Hyde's lips to silence him]
Jackie Burkhart: Shhh... and you're wondering "How can I open up to her, when everyone I have ever loved have abandoned me. Am I even worthy of love?". Well... you are, Steven. You are.
[Hyde looks at her for a moment, then covers his eyes and seems to start crying. Jackie puts her arm around him for comfort]
Jackie Burkhart: It's OK, Steven, it's OK. You know what, let it out. Let it all out.
Hyde: [in whimpering voice] OK.
Jackie Burkhart: It's OK.
[Hyde lifts his face to reveal he wasn't really crying, and blows raspberry in her face. Jackie calmly wipes the spit off her cheek, and then jumps off the car]
Jackie Burkhart: Let's go home!
Hyde: Oh c'mon, I'm kidding! No, this is, this is alright. We can hang out here for awhile, ok? God...
[Jackie walks around the car and joins Hyde again, smiling. Hyde offers her soda]
Hyde: Here, have some of my pop.
Jackie Burkhart: [takes the soda] sure.
[Jackie smiles at Hyde, gets closer to him, takes his arm and puts it around her shoulder]
Hyde: OK.
[Jackie takes a sip from the soda]


"That '70s Show: Going to California (#5.1)" (2002)
[Eric wants to tell Donna how he feels about her]
Jackie Burkhart: Look, Eric, just write her a letter. That's how I broke up with Michael. I was able to take my time and come up with good synonyms for... cowardly won't-marry-me loser, run-away-to-California jackass.

[to Donna]
Jackie Burkhart: Look, Donna, I know you're nervous about seeing people at school after running away and all. But I want you to know it's all under control. I told everyone you went away to have a baby.


"That '70s Show: Roller Disco (#3.5)" (2000)
Jackie Burkhart: Hey, Fez, I just made up a poem. Do you want to hear it?
Fez: Okay.
Jackie Burkhart: There once was a guy named Fez... who had a really cute butt!
Fez: Well, I have to say... I don't hate it.

Jackie Burkhart: We're going to be partners!
[Hyde just stares at her]
Jackie Burkhart: Skating partners!
Steven Hyde: How about instead, you hit me in the face with a wrench and I black out?


"That '70s Show: Eric's Naughty No-no (#3.19)" (2001)
[Kelso feels bad for watching porn movie]
Michael Kelso: Jackie, you know I love you and you know how much I've changed, right?
Jackie Burkhart: [smiles] Yeah?
[noticing Kelso's guilty expression, Jackie frowns]
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, what'd you do?
Michael Kelso: I went to a stag film. But then it turned out that there weren't any stags at all. It was just naked people having sex. Go ahead and punish me.
Jackie Burkhart: [pats on Kelso's palm] No, Michael, I'm not gonna punish you. You were honest with me, and honesty should be rewarded.
Michael Kelso: [excitedly] Wow. I'm not in trouble and I get a reward? Is it a cash reward?
Jackie Burkhart: [chuckles] No, Michael, the reward is feeling better about yourself.
Michael Kelso: [disappointed] Oh.

[Hyde, Jackie and Fez are listening to Kelso]
Michael Kelso: Okay, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest about that I feel like you should know.
Jackie Burkhart: [nods] Okay.
[Jackie looks at Hyde and Fez]
Jackie Burkhart: Why are they here?
Michael Kelso: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Hyde smiles]
Michael Kelso: So, anyway, I made a list.
Steven Hyde: [to Jackie] The list was my idea.
Michael Kelso: Thank you for that, Hyde. Okay, so let's just get started. Um, that picture you saw of me in kindergarten? Those weren't puffy pants. It was a big boy diaper.
[Hyde and Fez chuckle. Some time later:]
Michael Kelso: ...and that time you came out of the shower, and you thought you saw a flash? I did take your picture. This one time you asked me if you had anything in your teeth? And you did, but I said no, 'cause it's funnier that way.
[Hyde is enjoying. Jackie's expression becomes more and more sour. Some time later:]
Michael Kelso: ...when we were about to fool around, and I said that I washed my hands? But really I just got done playing with like six dogs.
[Jackie looks at Hyde, who barely suppresses his laughter. Fez looks disgusted]
Michael Kelso: But that's not as bad...
Jackie Burkhart: [sharply] All right, Michael, stop! Okay, Michael, I think we need to work on selective honesty.
Fez: [disgusted] Yes, that and basic hygiene. Seriously, good God, man.
[Fez leaves]
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, Michael, unless one of your secrets involves kissing a girl, I don't need to know about it.
[Jackie walks to the door]
Michael Kelso: Okay. All right.
Michael Kelso: [to Hyde] Oh, science fact. Dogs are cleaner than humans.
[Kelso and Jackie leave]


"That '70s Show: Moon Over Point Place (#2.26)" (2000)
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now, I love you!
Hyde: Oh my God, will you shut up?

[at Leo's photo hut, Jackie is talking to Leo while he looks at photos]
Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah, there's a lot of things about Steven that I used to not like. But now, I really like. Like... well, I thought his pork chop sideburns were a sign that he was poor and dirty and living in a shack. But then... but then I realized that Elvis had sideburns and he lived in Graceland. Well, that was an eye-opener...
[Hyde enters]
Jackie Burkhardt: There he is! Hi Steven!
Hyde: [to Leo] What is she doing here?
Leo: I think she is hitting on me, man. But I ain't interested. Tell her I ain't interested and make her go away.
Jackie Burkhardt: Hitting on you? I'm not hitting on you, you relic!
Leo: Hey, name calling is no way to win someone's heart.
Jackie Burkhardt: What are you talking about?
Leo: What are you talking about?
Jackie Burkhardt: What are you talking about?
Leo: What are you talking about?
Jackie Burkhardt: What are you talking about?
[Hyde leaves]
Leo: What are you talking about?
Jackie Burkhardt: Great! Now he got away! Steven!
[Jackie goes after Hyde]
Leo: [to himself] What was she talking about?


"That '70s Show: The Pill (#1.17)" (1999)
Donna Pinciotti: You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.
Jackie Burkhardt: Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!
[she runs to the bathroom door]
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I don't want to tell him!
[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie goes out of the bathroom, they see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face side to side]
Jackie Burkhardt: I think he knows.

Eric: What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?
Jackie Burkhardt: I'm pregnant.
Donna Pinciotti: [outside] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?
Eric: Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.
Donna Pinciotti: Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.
Eric: Not here.
[they run into the car]
Eric: [no audio] Jackie's pregnant.
[Donna makes a shocking face]


"That '70s Show: Cat Fight Club (#2.25)" (2000)
[Jackie has just beaten up Laurie]
Hyde: You kicked her ass, man!
Jackie Burkhardt: [exhausted] Yeah... yeah... whatever.

[Hyde, Jackie, and Fez are playing Monopoly]
Jackie Burkhardt: This game is just like real life. I am the richest of all.


"That '70s Show: Jackie Says Cheese (#4.13)" (2002)
[Jackie receives a paycheck - the first salary she has ever earned in her life]
Jackie Burkhart: [excited] Oh my gosh! It's a check!
[Jackie points to the corner of the check]
Jackie Burkhart: And that's my name! Mine!
Michael Kelso: So... we can stay together!
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, and I can still be rich!
Michael Kelso: Yeah!
Donna Pinciotti: Well, if this isn't gonna go badly, I'm heading home.
[Donna turns to leave]
Michael Kelso: No, wait. Jackie deserves a celebration. Hey, let's go buy me that remote control car!
Jackie Burkhart: [firmly] No, Michael. Money doesn't grow on trees.
[Jackie pauses, realizing what she has just said]
Jackie Burkhart: Money *doesn't* grow on trees. You know, I think having a job is changing me. Okay, think about it: a whole new me.
Michael Kelso, Donna Pinciotti: That'll be great!

[last scene: Jackie talks to her boss]
Jackie Burkhart: I know in orientation we talked about theft in the workplace, so I would like to report a theft - from my check.
[Jackie shows her paycheck]
Jackie Burkhart: Now, I don't know who FICA is, but that bitch stole like 10% of my money. Also, now, I don't know if you have this key in your typewriter, but when I write "Jackie" I like to dot my "I" with a smiley face. Also, now, I put this in the suggestion box, but... you have something hanging from your nose. Oh, and I want Saturday off. Thank you. Bye.
[Jackie exits the store without waiting for response, leaving her boss totally confused]


"That '70s Show: Babe I'm Gonna Leave You (#5.14)" (2003)
Jackie Burkhart: Steven! I called three times within the last half hour!
Steven Hyde: Yeah, I figured it was you because all the calls came during the commercials for "The Newlywed Game".

Jackie Burkhart: Oh. You're here. Didn't know they let slut-balls in here.
Annette: Well I saw you here so I thought it was okay.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, you don't know it but you just burnt yourself.
Annette: Oh, I know it. The question is do *you* know it?
Eric Forman: Donna, are you following this?
Donna Pinciotti: Um, I think one of them is a slut-ball and the other one knows it.


"That '70s Show: Ice Shack (#3.10)" (2001)
Jackie Burkhart: Fez, I'm cold.
Fez: Frankly my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.

Donna Pinciotti: It's kinda cold.
Eric: Here! Take my jacket.
Donna Pinciotti: I love you.
Eric: God, we are such the... perfect couple.
Jackie Burkhardt: [looking at Kelso] I'm cold, too.
Michael Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie, I can't control the weather!


"That '70s Show: That '70s Pilot (#1.1)" (1998)
Michael Kelso: That's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.
Jackie Burkhart: Who did we exchange for him?

Jackie Burkhart: Michael! Don't tell our private conversations to other people Michael. We have to have our own private conversations!


"That '70s Show: Fez Gets the Girl (#3.12)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: Jackie, why do you wanna go anyway? You hate Led Zeppelin.
Jackie Burkhart: I never said I hated them, Michael. For your information, I think Led is hot.

[Donna tells Jackie she has two tickets for Led Zeppelin]
Jackie Burkhart: Zeppelin? Oh, my God! That's a band, right?


"That '70s Show: Punk Chick (#1.22)" (1999)
Kitty Forman: Have you ever baked a pie before?
Jackie Burkhart: No, I don't really cook much. I was kinda just hoping to get by on my looks.

Kitty Forman: Now Jackie, have you ever made a pie before?
Jackie Burkhardt: No, I don't really cook much. I just plan on getting by on my looks.


"That '70s Show: The Kids Are Alright (#6.1)" (2003)
Michael Kelso: Now, I'm going to drink my raw eggs.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, Michael, no.
Michael Kelso: No, Jackie, wait until I finish my eggs.
Jackie Burkhart: But Michael...
Michael Kelso: Jackie, whatever it is it can wait until I finish my eggs!
Jackie Burkhart: Fine!
[Kelso drinks the raw eggs]
Michael Kelso: There. Now, what is this that's so important that you had to tell me?
Jackie Burkhart: You're allergic to eggs.
[Kelso thinks and then laughs]
Michael Kelso: Oh, yeah, I am.
Michael Kelso: [still laughing] I have to go to the hospital now.

[Jackie and Kelso sit at the Hub]
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, do you think I'm immature?
Michael Kelso: No, you're almost fully grown.
Jackie Burkhart: Well... Steven thinks so. Apparently, I'm immature, and that skank in the leather jacket is what? Cool? Well, I can be cool, people can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was totally realistic.
[Jackie's daydream: she and Donna enter the Hub. Jackie wears the same black tight outfit that Olivia Newton-John wore at "You're The One That I Want" song scene in the movie "Grease". The guys are playing the arcade machine. Eric, Kelso and Fez turn around]
Eric Forman: [bites his hand] Wow!
Michael Kelso: [shakes his hand] Yowza!
Fez: [smiles, rubbing his belly] Yummy!
[Hyde turns around. He takes off his sunglasses, astonished to see Jackie - similarly to Danny Zuko's reaction when he saw how Sandy changed]
Steven Hyde: Jackie?
Jackie Burkhart: Tell me about it, Steve.
[the music of "You're The One That I Want" plays in the background. The gang starts dancing]
Steven Hyde: [in John Travolta's voice] I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, for the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'...
Jackie Burkhart: [in Olivia Newton-John's voice] You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you. You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must me true...
Steven Hyde: [in John Travolta's voice] Nothin' left, nothin' left for me and you...
Jackie Burkhart, Steven Hyde: You're the one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh. The one I need. Oh, yes, indeed...
[Hyde hugs Jackie. The music fades]
Steven Hyde: [in his normal voice] Oh, Jackie, you're so much cooler than that skank I was with before. Please take me back, 'cause we belong together like Bop-booba-loo-ba, sha-walla, sha-bang, sha-bang...
[Jackie and Hyde kiss passionately. The gang is overjoyed that the two are back together]
Michael Kelso: Ah! The whole gang is back together again.
[Fez kisses Eric on his cheek]
Eric Forman: Yes, they did it!
Donna Pinciotti: This is so great for the whole...
[end of Jackie's daydream]


"That '70s Show: Halloween (#2.5)" (1999)
[the gang is burying their permanent records]
Jackie Burkhart: This is so stupid. Why don't we just burn them?
Michael Kelso: Jackie, they've already been in a fire. They can't be destroyed that way.

[Fez is dressed up as Batman for Halloween]
Jackie Burkhart: Donna, you know who protected me back there? Fez.
Donna Pinciotti: He had to, he's Batman.


"That '70s Show: A Legal Matter (#6.10)" (2004)
Michael Kelso: Come on, Eric, we're a team.
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah. Michael is the looks, Steven is the brain, and you? Your house has food.

Michael Kelso: I can't believe I'm the stooge.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, it's just the way some people are, okay? Some people are lazy, some people are clumsy, some people are stooges.
Steven Hyde: You're lucky enough to be all three.


"That '70s Show: After Glow (#2.17)" (2000)
Jackie Burkhart: Eric, if it makes you feel any better, Michael was really bad his first time, too.
Eric Forman: Oh, that's supposed to make me feel better?
Jackie Burkhart: Doesn't it?
Eric Forman: [realizes it does] Yeah, a little. Thanks, Jackie.


"That '70s Show: The Velvet Rope (#2.3)" (1999)
Jackie Burkhart: Androgynous guys are so manly.


"That '70s Show: Donna's Story (#4.8)" (2001)
Jackie Burkhart: [angrily] Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress, you spent my 50 dollars on this stupid machine!
[Kelso looks accusingly at Hyde]
Steven Hyde: [to Jackie] Jackie, I did not.
[Hyde looks at Kelso, smiling]
Steven Hyde: [chuckles] Oh, yeah, I did.
Michael Kelso: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: "You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a Pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life".
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, there's another old saying, Michael: "You're dumb as dirt".
Eric Forman: That's true. That was in the yearbook.
Michael Kelso: Okay, okay. All right. Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!
Fez: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.
Michael Kelso: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.
Fez: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response... because I can't think of one. But when I do, a good day to you.


"That '70s Show: Laurie and the Professor (#2.4)" (1999)
Jackie Burkhardt: No offence Eric, but your sister is as slutty as they come.
Michael Kelso: Eric, would you let her talk about your sister like that?
Eric: Sure.


"That '70s Show: Red and Stacey (#4.10)" (2001)
Fez: It's time that you two left now good day.
Donna Pinciotti, Jackie Burkhart: But Fez...
Rhonda: [shouts] He said good day.


"That '70s Show: Kitty and Eric's Night Out (#2.18)" (2000)
Jackie Burkhart: [has a wide-eyed epiphany, while talking with Donna] Oh my God... I LIKE FEZ!
[runs away, screaming]


"That '70s Show: Who Needs You (#8.9)" (2006)
[Fez is furious at Jackie for carelessly causing damages to his apartment, and demands that she leaves]
Fez: You pushed it too far. I want you out!
Jackie Burkhart: Wait, what? Fez, where am I supposed to go?
Fez: [sarcastically] Oh, how about this: why don't you go down to "I Don't Care" Street, make a left on "Get Out Of My Life" Boulevard, and take the express bus to downtown "Suck It"!
[Fez walks away angrily]


"That '70s Show: Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die (#3.4)" (2000)
Michael Kelso: You want to see Fez and Eric run around? Someone might get hurt, it's funny when people get hurt.
Steven Hyde: Especially when their in there underwear.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, the only one dumb enough to get hurt around here, is you.
Michael Kelso: Okay, Jackie, I'm really starting get sick-
[cuts his finger on soda can]
Michael Kelso: OWW!


"That '70s Show: Bring It on Home (#5.19)" (2003)
[Jackie's mum has left home]
Kitty Forman: Honey, do you have any idea where she might be?
Jackie Burkhart: Well, the last postcard I got had a picture of some guy with a bone through his nose. What is that, like, Tennessee?


"That '70s Show: First Date (#1.16)" (1999)
Jackie Burkhart: I can't believe you, Michael.
Michael Kelso: What?
Jackie Burkhart: You can't just maul me in front of my father!
Michael Kelso: I bet he didn't even notice.
Jackie Burkhart: He yelled at you to stop it.
Michael Kelso: I thought he was yelling at you.


"That '70s Show: The Best Christmas Ever (#1.12)" (1998)
Jackie Burkhart: Hyde, if you want to make out with me, the answer's probably no.


"That '70s Show: I'm Free (#6.5)" (2003)
[Jackie, Donna and Hyde chide Kelso for not taking responsibility on Brooke's baby]
Steven Hyde: Kelso, you know what you should do, but your not gonna do it because you're too much of a tool.
Michael Kelso: You know what? It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life.
[Kelso walks away. Hyde looks after him disgustedly]
Steven Hyde: Tool.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, Steven, you're sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too. This so foxy.
Steven Hyde: Hey, why don't we go down to my room, tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash, she lost our rent money at the track.
[Jackie nods excitedly. She and Hyde Jackie hug each other and enter the house]


"That '70s Show: Eric's Hot Cousin (#4.14)" (2002)
Jackie Burkhart: Lobster face!
Donna Pinciotti: Little Red Riding BITCH!


"That '70s Show: Eric's Buddy (#1.11)" (1998)
Donna Pinciotti: Where's Buddy?
Eric Forman: Oh, Buddy. Um, well, Buddy got... busy, so...
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he has lots to do. He is popular.
Fez: Yeah, and so obviously gay
[Eric squirms]


"That '70s Show: Winter (#7.11)" (2004)
Patty Ryals: Jackie Burkhart, welcome to the LOPP's christmas party. Who's your boyfriend?
Jackie Burkhart: Oh ehm... he can't be here. He's at rich... stockbrokers school.
Patty Ryals: Well then i'm just gonna have to seat you with the Single Ladies Of Point Place.
Jackie Burkhart: The SLOPP's?
Donna Pinciotti: HA! You're a SLOPP.


"That '70s Show: Kitty's Birthday (That's Today?!) (#3.17)" (2001)
Fez: I was just showing Caroline the back of my new car and my tongue.
Michael Kelso: Fez, this isn't your car.
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, foreigners can't drive here unless it's a cab.


"That '70s Show: Squeeze Box (#6.20)" (2004)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Alright, I admit that we saw Pam's... them.
[Hyde nods. Kitty scowls]
Reginald "Red" Forman: But it's not like planned it.
Steven Hyde: Although our timing couldn't have been better.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, I think you mean "worse", Steven.
Steven Hyde: No, I'm pretty sure I meant "better".


"That '70s Show: Fun It (#8.7)" (2005)
Donna Pinciotti: [entering the Formans' basement] Quick, turn on the TV.
Jackie Burkhart: [groans] Donna, nobody has time for one of your muscle-building shows.


"That '70s Show: The Good Son (#1.25)" (1999)
Donna Pinciotti: Excuse me. Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?
Jackie Burkhart: Umm, Cheerleading camp.


"That '70s Show: I Love Cake (#2.7)" (1999)
Jackie Burkhart: Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius the better off we'll both be.


"That '70s Show: Red Fired Up (#2.24)" (2000)
Laurie Forman: [Jackie and Laurie are arguing in the basement] You better watch your back.
Jackie Burkhardt: Really? 'Cause you should stop spending so much time on *yours*.
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Laurie looks shocked]
Michael Kelso: Hey, I'm sorry. I just got swept away by the super-good burn.


"That '70s Show: Let's Spend the Night Together (#7.2)" (2004)
Jackie Burkhardt: I never thought I'd say this to someone wearing cashmere - but I don't think we can be friends.


"That '70s Show: Fez Dates Donna (#3.21)" (2001)
Jackie Burkhart: Come on Michael, let's go somewhere where our love is accepted.
Eric Forman: While you're there, you might want to check out the monkey cages.


"That '70s Show: Join Together (#6.2)" (2003)
[Kelso talks with Hyde, trying to make him reconcile with Jackie]
Michael Kelso: Look, Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry, but... there's gotta some things that you did, that you wish you hadn't done. Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was, and then you licked your lips, and you rubbed you stomach and you were like "Mmm, it's really good, Kelso", and then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't of done that.
Steven Hyde: Yeah... well, maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.
Michael Kelso: [nods] Now see, that's something that Jackie oughta know.
[some time later:]
Michael Kelso: Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.
Jackie Burkhart: [confused] What?
Michael Kelso: I'm just telling you what he said.
Jackie Burkhart: Alright, look, Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.
Michael Kelso: Well, somebody ought to make that clear.
[some time later:]
Michael Kelso: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.
Steven Hyde: [confused] That can't be what she said.
Michael Kelso: It's word for word, man.
Steven Hyde: Kelso, would you get outta here?
Michael Kelso: What? I'm helping.
Steven Hyde: You're making me wanna kick your ass!
Michael Kelso: [angrily] That better be the rash talking.
[Kelso leaves. Hyde throws the basketball at his back]


"That '70s Show: Eric's False Alarm (#4.25)" (2002)
Jackie Burkhart: [tired of Kelso spying on her] Michael, you've lost your mind!
Michael Kelso: Yep, and I don't miss it!


"That '70s Show: The Crunge (#5.10)" (2002)
[Kelso sits on the couch, reading a book. Fez and Hyde come out of Hyde's room]
Steven Hyde: Kelso, what the hell are you doing with a book?
Michael Kelso: Reading.
[Hyde and Fez snicker]
Michael Kelso: I am reading, 'cause what good is having brains if you got nothing up here?
[Kelso taps his skull. Jackie comes down the stairs]
Jackie Burkhart: Hey.
[Jackie and Hyde kiss, then they sit down]
Jackie Burkhart: So, I saw my dad in prison today.
Steven Hyde: Oh. How was it?
Jackie Burkhart: Well, first it was a real downer, then I realized that I'll be okay without my dad. Because the S.A.T. proved that there's another man who could take care of me.
Steven Hyde: You better be talking about Santa Claus.
Jackie Burkhart: No, Steven, I'm talking about you, because you have potential.
Michael Kelso: He doesn't have potential. I have potential. Like, I'm reading Moby Dick, and I'm not even halfway through, and I can already tell you the ending: The whale is a robot.


"That '70s Show: We're Not Gonna Take It (#6.6)" (2003)
[Bob is depressed since Joanne broke up with him. To cheer him up, Donna and Jackie sent him anonymously a nice basket of fudge]
Bob Pinciotti: [cheerfully] Guess what, girls. I got fudge.
[Donna and Jackie feign they have no idea who sent it]
Donna Pinciotti: [smiles] Fudge? What a surprise! Who is it from?
[Bob finds a note inside the basket]
Bob Pinciotti: It didn't say, but there is a poem: "Roses are red, violets are blue, fudge is sweet, here's some fudge".
[Donna looks critically at Jackie for the lousy rhyme. Jackie is slightly embarrassed]
Jackie Burkhart: [whispers to Donna] They rushed me.


"That '70s Show: Gimme Shelter (#7.20)" (2005)
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, everything is set for the party tonight! Oh, and Fez, I need you to get there a little early so you can park everyone's cars.
Fez: Sorry, Jackie, I can't make it.
Jackie Burkhart: What?
Fez: Yeah, Kelso and I have to find an apartment tonight, or Red is going to kill me in my sleep.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, and I can't let Fez go alone.
Jackie Burkhart: Why not?
Michael Kelso: 'Cause then I'll have to go to your party, which I don't want to do.
Steven Hyde: Oh, no, no, Kelso, you have to go. If you're not there, and Fez is not there, it's gonna be pretty damn obvious that I'm not there.
Jackie Burkhart: Okay, Steven, I understand you don't like dinner parties. But just let me make my case.
[Jackie kicks Hyde's ankle]
Steven Hyde: [winces painfully] Ohh!
Jackie Burkhart: [firmly] You're going!


"That '70s Show: Parents Find Out (#2.19)" (2000)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [as Jackie tries to cheer Kitty up, after Kitty learns Eric and Donna are "sexually active"] Jackie? Oh, good, you're here. Now get out.
Jackie Burkhart: I'm trying to help.
Reginald "Red" Forman: You wanna help? Go make me a sandwich.


"That '70s Show: Grandma's Dead (#1.23)" (1999)
[to Red]
Jackie Burkhart: I'm really sorry your mom died. It's like... sad and stuff.


"That '70s Show: Happy Jack (#6.17)" (2004)
Eric: Isn't the bikini a marvelous invention? Imagine the first Aztec who said, "I've just got to see some more belly-button", you know? Yeah, the Mexicans are such resourceful people.
Jackie Burkhart: Eric, don't be so stupid. Everyone knows the French invented the bikini. The Mexicans just added on the top because they're Catholic.
Eric: Another good example of religion dividing isntead of uniting... and, FYI - if God wanted Mexican women to wear tops, he wouldn't have created tequila.


"That '70s Show: Jackie Moves On (#2.22)" (2000)
Jackie Burkhardt: OK, Fez, I just want to thank you for last night. I know I wasn't my super-cute self, and I'm sorry. But you're a really good friend.
Fez: But Jackie, I was hoping that perhaps we could be more than friends?
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, hope springs eternal, Fez. How 'bout you just keep worshipping me from afar and stay available... just in case.
Fez: You would do that for me? That's a sweet deal!


"That '70s Show: Eric's Drunken Tattoo (#3.22)" (2001)
[Kelso is talking in his sleep and talks about marrying Jackie. Jackie smiles happily, thinking that he means her]
Jackie Burkhart: I love you, Michael Kelso.
Michael Kelso: [still sleeping] I love you too, Jackie Onassis.
[Jackie's smile immediately fades]


"That '70s Show: I'm a Boy (#6.8)" (2004)
Jackie Burkhart: So, hey, maybe a good way to break the ice would be for everyone to tell a few things about themself. I'll go first. I like make-up and diets, and Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
Brooke: Okay, well, I was valedictorian in my class, I run marathons, and I tutor kids in Latin.
Michael Kelso: Well, I egged a valedictorian of my class. And a marathon runner Oh, and some kids that took Latin!
Steven Hyde: This is fun.


"That '70s Show: The Trials of M. Kelso (#3.18)" (2001)
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, I have some bad news... I just found out I have BHD.
Michael Kelso: ...BHD?
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, Brutal Hair Disease. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and get all my hair shaved off.
Michael Kelso: So... you'll be...
Jackie Burkhart: Bald, Michael, B-A-L-D, no hair, shiny head, BALD... And my hair... won't EVER grow back either. Will you still love me when I'm bald?
Michael Kelso: ...you can wear a wig...?
Jackie Burkhart: So Michael, are you saying you would NOT love me if I didn't have a luscious full-bodied head of hair?
Michael Kelso: [sees Donna laughing of him and realizes he's being tested] OH! No, Jackie, no, I would love you even MORE. I would shave off my hair and paste it to your head.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, that's beautiful!
[leaves]
Michael Kelso: [to Donna] That was a test, right? 'Cause bald chicks are gross.


"That '70s Show: That Disco Episode (#1.7)" (1998)
Michael Kelso: Jackie, where did you go?
Jackie Burkhardt: I had to go and get something for you to bite on. I told everyone you were having a seizure.


"That '70s Show: The First Time (#2.16)" (2000)
Michael Kelso: Rrrr, could you BE any more annoying?
Jackie Burkhardt: YES!


"That '70s Show: Burning Down the House (#2.15)" (2000)
[Jackie and Donna walk down the hallway, toward the party, unaware to the fire Kelso started]
Jackie Burkhart: God, how dare you say that about me and Michael?
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, you wanted my honest opinion.
Jackie Burkhart: Your honest opinion that we're great together. Look, you were wrong about Michael. He knows he made a mistake and he's going to make it up to me. You wait and see.
[at Jackie's living room, "Disco Inferno" plays. Smoke fills the room, and Kelso tries unsuccessfully to put out the fire with a pillow. Jackie and Donna enter]
Michael Kelso: Uh, Jackie, where's the fire extinguisher?
[Jackie is shocked to see the mess Kelso made in her house. Kelso starts blowing on the fire in futile attempt to put it out]


"That '70s Show: A New Hope (#1.20)" (1999)
Donna Pinciotti: David Milbank? Aw, barf! Eric, remember when you beat him up on the playground?
Eric Forman: Yep!
[grinning]
Eric Forman: I kicked his ass.
Jackie Burkhart: Wait, wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?
Eric Forman: Yep.
[excitedly]
Eric Forman: And I kicked his *ass*!


"That '70s Show: Holy Craps (#3.20)" (2001)
[Fez breaks up with Caroline and doesn't dare to say it's because she's crazy]
Fez: Umm... because... Donna and I are in love!
Caroline: What?
Donna Pinciotti: Oh my god!
Jackie Burkhart: Eeewwww!


"That '70s Show: Donna's Panties (#3.15)" (2001)
Michael Kelso: Hey guys, check out this article in "Boy's Life."
Eric: "The Square Knot Not Just For Squares"?
Michael Kelso: No the one about being an astronaut. I think I'm gonna do that.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I think in order for them to let you be an astronaut, you have to be not dumb.
Michael Kelso: No, 'cause if they can send a monkey into space, they can send me.
Steven Hyde: I don't know. Monkeys are pretty smart.
Michael Kelso: All right, fine, make fun of me. But when you see my shoe prints on the moon, what are you gonna say then?
Eric: Probably "Hey some monkey is wearing Kelso's shoes!"


"That '70s Show: Nobody's Fault But Mine (#5.23)" (2003)
Steven Hyde: Jackie... I love you.
Jackie Burkhart: [long silence] Yeah, well I don't love you.