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: [Samantha has found out that Chris is seeing someone else
] The jig is up! Run! Samantha James
: You son of a bitch! Chris
: Samantha! You're here! Shit! Samantha James
: There she is. There's the little slut you've been banging behind my back! Old Woman
: Me? Samantha James
: Not you, wrinkles.
[Points at Jamie
] Samantha James
: Her! Jamie Palamino
: Who are you? Samantha James
: I'm Samantha James, bitch!
] Jamie Palamino
: Don't shove me!
[Shoves Samantha back
] Samantha James
: You're a whore! Santa's little whore! Santa's little whore! Jamie Palamino
: Get off! Mike
: [In an excited, high pitched voice
] Cat fight!
: Will you try it on for me? Please? I think it will fit... Chris
: [putting on Jamie's gift
] ... It's a little snug. Jamie Palamino
: Aww. "Shakes come and go but friends are furrr-ever." That's adorable! Let's go show my mom.
: I think I just peed a little!
: Why do you keep messing with my head? Chris
: I messed with your head for three days. You've been *torturing* me for twenty years! Jamie Palamino
: Is this all because I didn't screw you in high school? Get over yourself! Chris
: After being the biggest tease for so long, trust me, I am so over myself. Jamie Palamino
: Oh, so I'm the tease? I practically throw myself at you the other night and you did nothing! Chris
: And now you know how it feels.
: Here we go! One grilled cheese with ranch on the side. And one sugar mountain supreme for the chubby bunny!
[Rhonda makes noises imitating a bunny
: Excuse me. Umm, this isn't gonna work for me. Rhonda
: But this is what you always order. Chris
: Yeah! Ten years ago when I was a whale! Jamie Palamino
: The pancakes are fine. He's just kidding. Chris
: [to Jaime
] What? Jamie Palamino
: [Rhonda walks away from the table
] Be more rude! Chris
: She's rude! She's rude! I haven't had sweets for ten years, ok? You know what this would do to my stomach? Jamie Palamino
: Relax little girl. I'll have the pancakes, and you can have my sandwich, ok? Chris
: I'll just enjoy this glass of water.
[Chris takes a small sip of water and swallows audibly
: I'm stuffed!
: So, how's the love life? Jamie Palamino
: Lame. Marty and I broke up a year ago. Chris
: Another jerk, huh? Jamie Palamino
: "Another jerk, huh?" Chris
: I'm just saying... you dated a lot of jerks in high school. Jamie Palamino
: So what about you? You in love with anyone besides yourself?
: We need to talk about what you wrote. Is that really how you feel? Chris
: I don't know. Maybe. Why? Jamie Palamino
: Because that's the nicest thing anyone's ever written me. Chris
: It was? Jamie Palamino
: Yes. I love you Chris -
[goes to kiss him. Chris goes for her lips and she moves to his cheek
] Jamie Palamino
: - like a brother! Chris
: Hmm? Jamie Palamino
: We're friends right? Chris
: For sure!
] This is it. You're finally going to have sex with Jamie Palamino. Oh God, look at that face. Look at that body. Why are you smiling like a fricken idiot? Go on. Make a move. MAKE A MOVE!
[takes a deep breath
] Jamie Palamino
: What's on your mind? Chris
] Bush. President Bush. The first family, really. Jamie Palamino
: [Jamie sighs and rolls over
] Dude! You're killing me! This is the girl of your dreams! Ravish her! What if she doesn't want to be ravished? What if she wants to stay friends? Friends don't ravish each other. Friends watch New Years Rockin' Eve. I wonder who's hosting this year. Jamie Palamino
: Chris, can you put your feet on mine? They're freezing. Chris
[thinking while cuddling up behind Jamie
: Hell yeah. Her feet aren't even cold. This is it. Don't even think about how weird tomorrow's going to be. Jamie Palamino
: Chris? Chris
: [thinking as he slowly rolls over off of her
] Oh God. Oh, God. What are you doing? Where are you going? Jamie Palamino
: Is everything alright? Chris
: Oh, everything's fine. Yeah. You okay? Uh, you need another blanket or anything? Jamie Palamino
: No, I'm fine. Chris
: You're not going to make a move are you?
: Good night, Jamie. Jamie Palamino
: Good night, Chris. Chris
] You don't deserve a penis!
: Look Jamie. I said a lot of crappy things the other night and I'm sorry about that. The truth is, I'm scared to be your friend, because I'm always going to want more. But then I got to thinking that I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all. Chris
: [Jamie opens her door
] You know that's a lie too. Jamie Palamino
: [Comes outside and closes her door
] Why are you back here? Chris
: Because I want to take you on a date. And I don't care if it's in the day, or at night, or whenever, as long as it's a real date. And I wanna tell you how beautiful I think you are. Inside and out. And I wanna have babies with you, and I wanna marry you, and I love you Jamie. I always have. Chris
: [Chris leans in and kisses her. Jamie accepts this for a second and pulls back
] Sorry. Twenty years all at once, just blah!
[Jamie laughs. Chris leans in and kisses her again
: So, tell me about your job! Chris
: Oh my God, when you get past all the glamour, it's just crazy. I mean, you got Pink calling you, Good Charlotte, then it's Jay-Z's birthday party, and I am totally name dropping right now and I'd really like to stop. Mick Jagger. How about you?