Coach Morris Buttermaker
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Quotes for
Coach Morris Buttermaker (Character)
from The Bad News Bears (1976)

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Bad News Bears (2005)
Morris Buttermaker: You guys swing like Helen Keller at a Piñata party.

Morris Buttermaker: Baseball's hard, guys. I mean, it really is. You can love it but, believe me, it don't always love you back. It's kind of like dating a German chick, you know?

Morris Buttermaker: [watching girls play softball] You know, in my life I thought I'd never say, "Look at the ass on that second baseman." But look at the ass on that second baseman.

Morris Buttermaker: [convincing the kids to wear their protective cups] If you get hurt, they can sue my ass so hard, they'll start garnishing my turds.

Morris Buttermaker: [reading names off roster] Daragebrigadian? Is that Aztec?
Garo Daragebrigadian: No, Armenian.
Morris Buttermaker: Well, they both built pyramids.

Morris Buttermaker: Okay, Engelberg, this is a screwball. It's an old school thing. You gotta stand in there because it looks like it's gonna hit you, but it drops off the table.

Morris Buttermaker: It's 3 o'clock. I gotta go.
Lady With Rat Problem: What about the rats?
Morris Buttermaker: Well, one thing is for damn sure, you got a shit load of rats down there.

[after having the kids use cans of pesticide that had a warning against carcinogen]
Morris Buttermaker: Hey, Hooper, what are you doing with that patch on your eye? Playing Pirate? Come to swab the deck, matey?
Matthew Hooper: Mother says I have cancer of the eye.

Morris Buttermaker: Hey, Hooper, you wanna put that thing in fourth gear and get over here already?

Morris Buttermaker: You with me?
Matthew Hooper: Like I said, we took a vote.
Morris Buttermaker: This is not a democracy! It is a dictatorship, and I'm Hitler!

Morris Buttermaker: [as he's yelling at the ump] What are you on? 'Cause I want some!

Morris Buttermaker: Is that a baggy full of bacon?
Mike Engelberg: I'm on Atkins!

[to his team after losing the first game of the season]
Morris Buttermaker: You guys look like the last shit I took.

Morris Buttermaker: Nice tits, Engelberg.

Morris Buttermaker: Now, my old coach used to say a tie is like kissing your sister, but the way we've been playing, it's more like kissing a really hot stepsister.

Morris Buttermaker: [telling the kid's about the protective cups they have to wear] Also, you'll want to write your names on them because that's how you get Crabs. And trust me, you don't want to spend your Sunday afternoon picking through your pumpkin patch with a little comb.

Morris Buttermaker: Come on guys, remember what I told you, there's no "I" in team
Matthew Hooper: Yea, but there's an "M" and an "E".
Tanner Boyle: THERE SHOULD BE AN "F" AND A "U"!

Morris Buttermaker: I struck out Mike Schmidt in an exhibition game. Struck his ass right out.

Garo Daragebrigadian: [holding two cans of pesticide] Hey Coach, what's carcinogen mean?
Morris Buttermaker: Liberal propaganda. Don't worry about it. It's just bullshit.

Morris Buttermaker: [after hitting Ahmad with a pitch] It's all right, kid. You had a helmet on. Imagine if you didn't. You know what I'm saying?

Amanda Whurlitzer: Man, you must have a big one because I don't know what else my mom saw in you.
Morris Buttermaker: You're not supposed to be talking about my... my one. You're 12 years old. As far as you know, I'm like G.I. Joe down there, okay?
Amanda Whurlitzer: I have the Internet, you know. I'm not stupid.

[after her daughter tells him she's going "out" with a boy]
Morris Buttermaker: You're 12. There ain't no out when you're 12.
Amanda Whurlitzer: Calm down, "Boilermaker". It's just a show with some stupid band. I'm not a little girl anymore. I had my period, alright?
Morris Buttermaker: Do you want me to have a stroke or something?

Morris Buttermaker: I've been disappointed before.

Morris Buttermaker: Ain't no doubt about it lady. You got a shitload of rats down there.

[Morris Buttermaker steps out of Liz Whitewood's bedroom in the morning]
Toby Whitewood: Mr. Buttermaker?
Morris Buttermaker: What do you say, Whitewood?
Toby Whitewood: What are doing here?
Morris Buttermaker: Listen, kid. I... there's something... that you need to do, and that's oil your mitt all the time. So I came by to check and make sure you oil your mitt.

Liz Whitewood: I have been thinking a lot about you.
Morris Buttermaker: I have that effect on women.
Liz Whitewood: Really...
Morris Buttermaker: Yeah. Well, I haven't paid for sex in years. I think a lot of it has to do with getting older and... you know, being more distinguished.
Liz Whitewood: I was thinking more along the lines of the dangerous type. What you hear about the bad boy, the sexy scumbag, the serial killer who gets married in prison. I have never felt like that. Until I met you.
Morris Buttermaker: Well, thanks.

Morris Buttermaker: Listen, kid, you don't want to go to Salt Lake, trust me. They don't even like Africans up there.
Garo Daragebrigadian: Armenian
Morris Buttermaker: Yeah, right.

Woman: Sorry the stuff's so ratty, but this is a six-team league, and I'm afraid your boys are getting the
[looking at Toby]
Woman: S-H-l-T end of the stick.
Morris Buttermaker: [to Toby] Yeah, I can spell "shit", alright. Does she think I'm 11?

Morris Buttermaker: [after the team tells him that they took a vote on not playing] THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! It's a dictatorship and I'm Hitler! Now get your stuff and get your asses out on the field!

Morris Buttermaker: Who the hell are you? Shoeless Joe walking on the holy corn field?

The Bad News Bears (1976)
[after the Bears lose 18-0]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Come on, fellas. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Ogilvie: Yeah, it took several hundred years.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Well, your mother and I didn't got along too well, Amanda. I liked her very much, though. I still do. As a matter of fact I'm just not the marrying kind. But I guess I handled it badly, huh?
Amanda Whurlitzer: You handled it like shit!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Those boys aren't very rough. You won't get hurt.
Amanda Whurlitzer: That's got nothing to do with it. I'm almost 12 and I'll... I'll be getting a bra soon.
[Buttermaker stares. Amanda looks at her chest]
Amanda Whurlitzer: Well, maybe in a year or so. I can't be playing all dumb baseball.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: What if he tries something?
Amanda Whurlitzer: I'll handle it.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Rolling Stones, 11 years old.
Amanda Whurlitzer: I know an 11-year-old girl who is already on the pill.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Don't ever say that word again.
Amanda Whurlitzer: Jesus! Just who in the heck you think you are?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: The goddamned manager, that's who!
Amanda Whurlitzer: Big wow!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [handing out cups and supporters to the boys] There is one thing I forgot to tell you guys. It's a league rule: cups and supporters.
[everyone complains]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Gotta be worn at all times.
[more complaints]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Either you wear 'em or you don't wear 'em and you don't play.
Jose Agilar: ¡Yo no me voy a poner esto! ¡Esto duele!
[Throws his back in the box]
Jose Agilar: ["I'm not going to wear this! It hurts!"]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: What? What are you saying?
Ogilvie: I've been brushing up on my Spanish of late, and I think he is saying something about, you know, his being Catholic, and it's a sin.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Oh, for Christ's sake.
[hands it back to Jose]

Amanda Whurlitzer: Hey, Buttermaker! Maybe next spring you'll teach me how to hit.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: You bet.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Listen, Lupus, you didn't come into this life just to sit around on a dugout bench, did ya? Now get your ass out there and do the best you can.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: This quitting thing, it's a hard habit to break once you start.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Now get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.

Engelberg: You're not supposed to have open liquor in the car. It's against the law.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: So is murder, Engleberg. Now put that back before you get me in real trouble.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [looks at Tanner's black eye] What the hell happened to you, Tanner?
Engelberg: Tanner got into a fight
[because of the first game loss]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Who with?
Engelberg: The 7th Grade.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: What?
Engelberg: [shouts] The 7th Grade.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [leading team chant] A busted bat and a long fly ball...
Bad News Bears: Any day now, Durocher will call!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [after team takes vote to quit the league] Do you want to quit, Tanner?
Tanner Boyle: Crud, No! I want to play ball!

Jimmy Feldman: [team riding in Buttermaker's car to practice] If you were so great, how come you never made it to the major leagues?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Contract disputes.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [at batting practice] Hey, Ahmad - even Hank Aaron peels the ol' eyelids before he takes a swing!

Engelberg: [helping Buttermaker clean pools] When we're through, can we go swimming?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: No! Don't jump in Engleberg, you'll flood the valley.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [trying to console Ahmad after his errors in the first loss] There was nothing easy about those fly balls, Ahmad. They were tough chances! The sun was in your eyes!
Ahmad Abdul Rahim: Don't give me none of your honky bullshit, Buttermaker. I know they were easy.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Let's not bring race into this, Ahmad. We got enough problems as it is.

[hitting batting practice]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: [yells to infield] All right, look alive! Let's get one out there!
[to Engleberg]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Are you ready?
[Buttermaker bunts in front of the plate]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Engleberg?
Engelberg: [exasperated] What?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: That is a bunt - B-U-N-T. The catcher is supposed to pick up the bunt and throw it to first base.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Well, how was I supposed to know? You made such a big deal yelling out to them.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: [sighs] Diversionary tactic, Engleberg. Now get the ball...

P.A. Announcer: [announcing Mets batter] Carl Paranski, Number 6...
Coach Morris Buttermaker: [yelling to Bears fielders] The cool Carl Paranski shift!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: All I know is when we win a game, it's a team win. When we lose a game, it's a team loss.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Hey, can't you hold off of that until after practice?
Engelberg: There's energy in chocolate. I need energy.

Engelberg: [Takes half-empty pint of whiskey from Buttermaker's glove box and holds it up] You're not supposed to have open liquor in the car. It's against the law.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: So is murder, Engelberg. Now put it back before you get me into real trouble.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Now, guys, somebody's gonna pay for this windshield. And I think, Engelberg, it's gonna be your father.
Engelberg: Bullshit.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: First base, second base, third base, home!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Jumping catfish! What a great arm! Who is that kid, anyway?
Toby Whitewood: Of course he's got a great arm, Buttermaker. He's the best athlete in the area. But you don't understand, that's Kelly Leak.
Ahmad Abdul Rahim: You guys talking about Kelly Leak?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Yeah.
Ahmad Abdul Rahim: That dude is a bad mother. You talk about a loan shark. I borrowed a nickel from him last week. He said if I didn't give him a dime by Friday, he'd break my arm.
Miguel Agilar: Es un bandido.

"The Bad News Bears: The Kelly Story (#1.4)" (1979)
Morris Buttermaker: Listen... you're an American, aren't you?
Kelly: Yeah...?
Morris Buttermaker: That's what I thought. How come you don't wanna play baseball? That's America's national pastime. I mean, it's patriotic!
Kelly: My pastime is ladies. American ladies!

Morris Buttermaker: Come on, Engelberg! Show 'em what you're made of!
Engelberg: Is that a fat joke?
Morris Buttermaker: I'll tell you when it's a fat joke!

"The Bad News Bears: Nakedness Is Next to Godliness (#1.3)" (1979)
Tanner Boyle: Hey Buttercrud! Something's wrong with the cruddy showers! The cruddy water ain't coming out of the cruddy faucets!
Morris Buttermaker: Do you have to use that word all the time?
Tanner Boyle: You got another word for water?

"The Bad News Bears: The Food Caper (#1.7)" (1979)
[Engelberg is getting weighed]
Tanner Boyle: Shouldn't we take him out to the truck scale?
Mike Engelberg: Is that a fat joke?
Morris Buttermaker: No, it's a truck joke.