Coach Morris Buttermaker
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Coach Morris Buttermaker (Character)
from The Bad News Bears (1976)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Bad News Bears (2005)
Morris Buttermaker: You guys swing like Helen Keller at a Piñata party.

Morris Buttermaker: Baseball's hard, guys. I mean, it really is. You can love it but, believe me, it don't always love you back. It's kind of like dating a German chick, you know?

Morris Buttermaker: [watching girls play softball] You know, in my life I thought I'd never say, "Look at the ass on that second baseman." But look at the ass on that second baseman.

Morris Buttermaker: [convincing the kids to wear their protective cups] If you get hurt, they can sue my ass so hard, they'll start garnishing my turds.

Morris Buttermaker: [reading names off roster] Daragebrigadian? Is that Aztec?
Garo Daragebrigadian: No, Armenian.
Morris Buttermaker: Well, they both built pyramids.

Morris Buttermaker: Okay, Engelberg, this is a screwball. It's an old school thing. You gotta stand in there because it looks like it's gonna hit you, but it drops off the table.

Morris Buttermaker: It's 3 o'clock. I gotta go.
Lady With Rat Problem: What about the rats?
Morris Buttermaker: Well, one thing is for damn sure, you got a shit load of rats down there.

[after having the kids use cans of pesticide that had a warning against carcinogen]
Morris Buttermaker: Hey, Hooper, what are you doing with that patch on your eye? Playing Pirate? Come to swab the deck, matey?
Matthew Hooper: Mother says I have cancer of the eye.

Morris Buttermaker: Hey, Hooper, you wanna put that thing in fourth gear and get over here already?

Morris Buttermaker: You with me?
Matthew Hooper: Like I said, we took a vote.
Morris Buttermaker: This is not a democracy! It is a dictatorship, and I'm Hitler!

Morris Buttermaker: [as he's yelling at the ump] What are you on? 'Cause I want some!

Morris Buttermaker: Is that a baggy full of bacon?
Mike Engelberg: I'm on Atkins!

[to his team after losing the first game of the season]
Morris Buttermaker: You guys look like the last shit I took.

Morris Buttermaker: Nice tits, Engelberg.

Morris Buttermaker: Now, my old coach used to say a tie is like kissing your sister, but the way we've been playing, it's more like kissing a really hot stepsister.

Morris Buttermaker: [telling the kid's about the protective cups they have to wear] Also, you'll want to write your names on them because that's how you get Crabs. And trust me, you don't want to spend your Sunday afternoon picking through your pumpkin patch with a little comb.

Morris Buttermaker: Come on guys, remember what I told you, there's no "I" in team
Matthew Hooper: Yea, but there's an "M" and an "E".
Tanner Boyle: THERE SHOULD BE AN "F" AND A "U"!

Morris Buttermaker: I struck out Mike Schmidt in an exhibition game. Struck his ass right out.

Garo Daragebrigadian: [holding two cans of pesticide] Hey Coach, what's carcinogen mean?
Morris Buttermaker: Liberal propaganda. Don't worry about it. It's just bullshit.

Morris Buttermaker: [after hitting Ahmad with a pitch] It's all right, kid. You had a helmet on. Imagine if you didn't. You know what I'm saying?

Amanda Whurlitzer: Man, you must have a big one because I don't know what else my mom saw in you.
Morris Buttermaker: You're not supposed to be talking about my... my one. You're 12 years old. As far as you know, I'm like G.I. Joe down there, okay?
Amanda Whurlitzer: I have the Internet, you know. I'm not stupid.

[after her daughter tells him she's going "out" with a boy]
Morris Buttermaker: You're 12. There ain't no out when you're 12.
Amanda Whurlitzer: Calm down, "Boilermaker". It's just a show with some stupid band. I'm not a little girl anymore. I had my period, alright?
Morris Buttermaker: Do you want me to have a stroke or something?

Morris Buttermaker: I've been disappointed before.

Morris Buttermaker: Ain't no doubt about it lady. You got a shitload of rats down there.

[Morris Buttermaker steps out of Liz Whitewood's bedroom in the morning]
Toby Whitewood: Mr. Buttermaker?
Morris Buttermaker: What do you say, Whitewood?
Toby Whitewood: What are doing here?
Morris Buttermaker: Listen, kid. I... there's something... that you need to do, and that's oil your mitt all the time. So I came by to check and make sure you oil your mitt.

Liz Whitewood: I have been thinking a lot about you.
Morris Buttermaker: I have that effect on women.
Liz Whitewood: Really...
Morris Buttermaker: Yeah. Well, I haven't paid for sex in years. I think a lot of it has to do with getting older and... you know, being more distinguished.
Liz Whitewood: I was thinking more along the lines of the dangerous type. What you hear about the bad boy, the sexy scumbag, the serial killer who gets married in prison. I have never felt like that. Until I met you.
Morris Buttermaker: Well, thanks.

Morris Buttermaker: Listen, kid, you don't want to go to Salt Lake, trust me. They don't even like Africans up there.
Garo Daragebrigadian: Armenian
Morris Buttermaker: Yeah, right.

Woman: Sorry the stuff's so ratty, but this is a six-team league, and I'm afraid your boys are getting the
[looking at Toby]
Woman: S-H-l-T end of the stick.
Morris Buttermaker: [to Toby] Yeah, I can spell "shit", alright. Does she think I'm 11?

Morris Buttermaker: [after the team tells him that they took a vote on not playing] THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! It's a dictatorship and I'm Hitler! Now get your stuff and get your asses out on the field!

Morris Buttermaker: Who the hell are you? Shoeless Joe walking on the holy corn field?


The Bad News Bears (1976)
[after the Bears lose 18-0]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Come on, fellas. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Ogilvie: Yeah, it took several hundred years.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Well, your mother and I didn't got along too well, Amanda. I liked her very much, though. I still do. As a matter of fact I'm just not the marrying kind. But I guess I handled it badly, huh?
Amanda Whurlitzer: You handled it like shit!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Those boys aren't very rough. You won't get hurt.
Amanda Whurlitzer: That's got nothing to do with it. I'm almost 12 and I'll... I'll be getting a bra soon.
[Buttermaker stares. Amanda looks at her chest]
Amanda Whurlitzer: Well, maybe in a year or so. I can't be playing all dumb baseball.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: What if he tries something?
Amanda Whurlitzer: I'll handle it.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Rolling Stones, 11 years old.
Amanda Whurlitzer: I know an 11-year-old girl who is already on the pill.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Don't ever say that word again.
Amanda Whurlitzer: Jesus! Just who in the heck you think you are?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: The goddamned manager, that's who!
Amanda Whurlitzer: Big wow!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [handing out cups and supporters to the boys] There is one thing I forgot to tell you guys. It's a league rule: cups and supporters.
[everyone complains]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Gotta be worn at all times.
[more complaints]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Either you wear 'em or you don't wear 'em and you don't play.
Jose Agilar: ¡Yo no me voy a poner esto! ¡Esto duele!
[Throws his back in the box]
Jose Agilar: ["I'm not going to wear this! It hurts!"]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: What? What are you saying?
Ogilvie: I've been brushing up on my Spanish of late, and I think he is saying something about, you know, his being Catholic, and it's a sin.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Oh, for Christ's sake.
[hands it back to Jose]

Amanda Whurlitzer: Hey, Buttermaker! Maybe next spring you'll teach me how to hit.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: You bet.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Listen, Lupus, you didn't come into this life just to sit around on a dugout bench, did ya? Now get your ass out there and do the best you can.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: This quitting thing, it's a hard habit to break once you start.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Now get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.

Engelberg: You're not supposed to have open liquor in the car. It's against the law.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: So is murder, Engleberg. Now put that back before you get me in real trouble.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [looks at Tanner's black eye] What the hell happened to you, Tanner?
Engelberg: Tanner got into a fight
[because of the first game loss]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Who with?
Engelberg: The 7th Grade.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: What?
Engelberg: [shouts] The 7th Grade.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [leading team chant] A busted bat and a long fly ball...
Bad News Bears: Any day now, Durocher will call!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [after team takes vote to quit the league] Do you want to quit, Tanner?
Tanner Boyle: Crud, No! I want to play ball!

Jimmy Feldman: [team riding in Buttermaker's car to practice] If you were so great, how come you never made it to the major leagues?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Contract disputes.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [at batting practice] Hey, Ahmad - even Hank Aaron peels the ol' eyelids before he takes a swing!

Engelberg: [helping Buttermaker clean pools] When we're through, can we go swimming?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: No! Don't jump in Engleberg, you'll flood the valley.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [trying to console Ahmad after his errors in the first loss] There was nothing easy about those fly balls, Ahmad. They were tough chances! The sun was in your eyes!
Ahmad Abdul Rahim: Don't give me none of your honky bullshit, Buttermaker. I know they were easy.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Let's not bring race into this, Ahmad. We got enough problems as it is.

[hitting batting practice]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: [yells to infield] All right, look alive! Let's get one out there!
[to Engleberg]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Are you ready?
[Buttermaker bunts in front of the plate]
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Engleberg?
Engelberg: [exasperated] What?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: That is a bunt - B-U-N-T. The catcher is supposed to pick up the bunt and throw it to first base.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Well, how was I supposed to know? You made such a big deal yelling out to them.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: [sighs] Diversionary tactic, Engleberg. Now get the ball...

P.A. Announcer: [announcing Mets batter] Carl Paranski, Number 6...
Coach Morris Buttermaker: [yelling to Bears fielders] The cool Carl Paranski shift!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: All I know is when we win a game, it's a team win. When we lose a game, it's a team loss.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Hey, can't you hold off of that until after practice?
Engelberg: There's energy in chocolate. I need energy.

Engelberg: [Takes half-empty pint of whiskey from Buttermaker's glove box and holds it up] You're not supposed to have open liquor in the car. It's against the law.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: So is murder, Engelberg. Now put it back before you get me into real trouble.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Now, guys, somebody's gonna pay for this windshield. And I think, Engelberg, it's gonna be your father.
Engelberg: Bullshit.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: First base, second base, third base, home!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Jumping catfish! What a great arm! Who is that kid, anyway?
Toby Whitewood: Of course he's got a great arm, Buttermaker. He's the best athlete in the area. But you don't understand, that's Kelly Leak.
Ahmad Abdul Rahim: You guys talking about Kelly Leak?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Yeah.
Ahmad Abdul Rahim: That dude is a bad mother. You talk about a loan shark. I borrowed a nickel from him last week. He said if I didn't give him a dime by Friday, he'd break my arm.
Miguel Agilar: Es un bandido.


"The Bad News Bears: The Kelly Story (#1.4)" (1979)
Morris Buttermaker: Listen... you're an American, aren't you?
Kelly: Yeah...?
Morris Buttermaker: That's what I thought. How come you don't wanna play baseball? That's America's national pastime. I mean, it's patriotic!
Kelly: My pastime is ladies. American ladies!

Morris Buttermaker: Come on, Engelberg! Show 'em what you're made of!
Engelberg: Is that a fat joke?
Morris Buttermaker: I'll tell you when it's a fat joke!


"The Bad News Bears: Nakedness Is Next to Godliness (#1.3)" (1979)
Tanner Boyle: Hey Buttercrud! Something's wrong with the cruddy showers! The cruddy water ain't coming out of the cruddy faucets!
Morris Buttermaker: Do you have to use that word all the time?
Tanner Boyle: You got another word for water?


"The Bad News Bears: The Food Caper (#1.7)" (1979)
[Engelberg is getting weighed]
Tanner Boyle: Shouldn't we take him out to the truck scale?
Mike Engelberg: Is that a fat joke?
Morris Buttermaker: No, it's a truck joke.