Prof. Ned Brainard
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Quotes for
Prof. Ned Brainard (Character)
from The Absent Minded Professor (1961)

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Flubber (1997)
Phillip Brainard: If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

Phillip Brainard: I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: I was just gonna, you know, grade my lunch, eat a few tests and hope for the best.
Martha George: [about the excitement of getting married] How do you hold it in?
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: [thinking she meant waste] Well, like everybody else, Ruthie. I just cross my legs real tight.
Martha George: [gets a little tickled by that answer] I was talking about your excitement.

Weebo: Maybe you should just go without me.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Why?
Weebo: Because I get car sick.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Oh, come on. You're not gonna blow chips.
Weebo: No!
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: You don't have a stomach.
Weebo: I have a queasy gyro.

Wilson Croft: What happened between us, Phil?
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Well, I just got tired of you stealing my ideas, Wilson.

Wilson Croft: I'm not an innovator like you, Phil. I'm an adapter, and to that end, I have profited from your ideas.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Why are you here?
Wilson Croft: Well, to be honest. I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancee. And make her my wife.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Well, I think you'll be sadly disappointed.

[after two of Brainard's balls hit Smith and Wesson while testing the Flubber, the bowling ball knocks the cap off a tank of a compressed gas]
Phillip Brainard: [high-pitched voice] This definitely has applications in the field of sports. Ho, ho, ho! Yes!

[Brainard and Reynolds are visiting Hoenicker to discuss the Flubber]
Chester Hoenicker: You came to repay your loan?
Phillip Brainard: No.
Chester Hoenicker: I know you didn't. I was just having a little fun.
Phillip Brainard: I'm here to sell you the Flubber.
Chester Hoenicker: You been to your house recently?
Phillip Brainard: Yes.
Chester Hoenicker: Do I really need to buy it?
Phillip Brainard: Flubber's a very quixotic substance. It's very difficult to handle. Have you tried to do anything with it?
Chester Hoenicker: My man is working on it. It won't be a problem.
Phillip Brainard: Well, I could make it a lot easier for you. If you give us a 30 day extension on the loan, I'll tell you everything I know... and make you a great deal of Flubber.
Chester Hoenicker: I'll give you the 30 days, and after that you give me two years. Whatever you come up with over the next two years is mine.
Sara Reynolds: That's not fair.
Chester Hoenicker: Shop somewhere else, lady.
Phillip Brainard: Sara. Sara. I'll do it.

Phillip Brainard: Weebo - - I've just solved all our problems!
Weebo: [showing an image of Dumbo on her display screen] I'm all ears.

Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: [to Sara, before he attempts to fall out the window with the flubber springing him back up] Ta-ta, my love.
Sara Reynolds: [deadpan] Are you nuts?
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: I'll be right back!
[the flubber flys out of Phillip's back pocket. Phillip falls to the ground]
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Ouch.
Sara Reynolds: Phillip, are you hurt?
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: [pained] Just my pride.

Son of Flubber (1963)
Mr. Harker: Now if you'll just give me a check for the amount on this paper here, please.
Professor Ned Brainard: But how can I pay you if nobody pays me?
Mr. Harker: Well, I regret to say, Professor, that's your problem. But look at it from our standpoint. We've been counting on you. We trusted you. Uncle Sam needs the money. You don't build those rockets to the moon with Green Stamps, you know.

Professor Ned Brainard: You'd think those people at the Pentagon could've least have given us a couple hundred thousand out of petty cash, or something.

Professor Ned Brainard: The road to genius is paved with fumble-footing and bumbling. Anyone who falls flat on his face is at least moving in the right direction: forward. And the fellow who makes the most mistakes may be the one who will save the neck of the whole world some day.

Professor Ned Brainard: If need be, I'll bet you'd put your own mother in jail.
Mr. Harker: Funny you should mention that about Mom. A little matter of some unreported income from jams and jellies. We nailed her dead to rights!

Biff Hawk: [about his father, Alonzo Hawk] Pop's the biggest loan shark in the state, and he's proud of it.
Professor Ned Brainard: Let's just say your father is a very shrewd businessman.
Biff Hawk: Shrewd? The only time my pop ever got the worst of a bargain was when he got me. I just didn't turn out the way he wanted me to at all.

Professor Ned Brainard: I hardly consider myself in the same class as Mr. Edison.

Defense Secretary: Professor, I don't think you realize how important this discovery of yours is. It's big. We've got to handle it big, everything about it. If you settle chickenfeed now, it's going to be a chickenfeed operation. Everyone is going to lose face. Everything is going to fall apart, all the way down the line. And the free world loses another battle. Is that what you want?
Professor Ned Brainard: Well, no, I wouldn't that, sir.

Professor Ned Brainard: [speaking to Daggett about his meeting at Washington] Things aren't quite as simple as I hoped they'd be.
Alonzo Hawk: So they gave you the ol' dipsy-do, huh? They really sandbagged you. They hung your hide up on the barn door to dry.
President Rufus Daggett: Professor, am I to assume something has gone amiss?
Professor Ned Brainard: Well...
President Rufus Daggett: But I thought they were delighted with your discovery.
Professor Ned Brainard: Oh, they are. It's just... Well, it's a little hard to explain.
Alonzo Hawk: May I?
[walks up to Brainard and Daggett]
Alonzo Hawk: Allow me to boil it down for you gentlemen, and you'll be sure if I get it straight?
[to Brainard]
Alonzo Hawk: Number one: the boys in Washington latched onto your little discovery so you can't sell it anywhere else.
[Brainard nods slowly]
Alonzo Hawk: Number two: they're not about to give you any money until they think it over. Number three: meantime, you've got no money. How am I doing?
[Brainard nods again]
Alonzo Hawk: Number four: somebody'd better lay 350,000 clams on the barrel-head, first of the month by 9AM, to pay off the short-term loan made to this college by the Auld Lang Syne Insurance and Loan Company, or else, exactly at 9:03, a fleet of bulldozers owned by the Auld Lang Syne Demolition and Wrecking Company will start rolling through those hallowed gates and start flattening these ivy-covered walls in all directions. Period! End of story! Very sad. But, uh, personally, I'm crazy about it.
President Rufus Daggett: I can't believe you'd do a thing like that, Mr. Hawk.
Alonzo Hawk: Oh, you can't?
President Rufus Daggett: No.
Alonzo Hawk: Well, boys, it looks like I'm calling the tune again. Anybody care to dance?

Professor Ned Brainard: [Trailing Shelby Ashton's car on his flying Model T car] Okay, Charlie! Battle Stations! I need a guinea pig for this experiment, and I know just the 'pig'!

The Absent Minded Professor (1961)
Prof. Ned Brainard: Let's see, flying rubber... Flubber!

Prof. Ned Brainard: Corners beautifully, doesn't it?

Prof. Ned Brainard: I'm an American! See it? My credit cards!

Prof. Ned Brainard: Substance X, we dub thee... Flubber!

Prof. Ned Brainard: Mr. Hawk, let me get this straight. You want me to turn my discovery over to you so you can blackmail our government?
Alonzo P. Hawk: All right, then look at it this way: Medfield College can grow and prosper, or it can wither and die on the vine. That's entirely up to you.

Prof. Ned Brainard: I'm a desperate man, Charlie, and desperate men do desperate things.