William Lichter
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Quotes for
William Lichter (Character)
from Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

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Can't Hardly Wait (1998)
[holding up a card]
William: I downloaded this little baby off the Net. I will know exactly how many spirits I may imbibe without affecting my judgment or my behavior.
X-Phile 2: You have every angle covered.
X-Phile 1: You know William, from this light, you somewhat resemble David Duchovny.

William: Witness Exhibit A: My 8th Grade science project - a working rain forest. Mike Dexter threw it out a third story window. It rains here no more. Witness Exhibit B: An eye patch I wore for a month after Mike beaned me with a raisin in home ec. My parents took me to a 3D film. I saw no third dimension. And of course, how could I forget the pudding incident? I know no one else has. Well gentlemen, tonight, Mike Dexter will know humiliation. Tonight Mike Dexter will know ridicule. Tonight is the night we fight back. Tonight is our independence night.

William: You know what they say about women and trolley cars. There's plenty of 'em in the sea.

William: You... have to come with me. There's this chick... there's these two chicks... they're triplets, man. You're not going to believe what they're doing. Not because I made it up or anything but because it is so... unbelievable. Come on out to the pool house, 'cause they told me to tell you... they want you to watch. So, come out... the pool house, come on...
Mike Dexter: [interrupting him] I'm a loser. I broke up with the hottest girl in school, my friends all sold me out... and somebody in there just called me a fag!

[drunk for the first time in his life]
William: I can't feel my legs, I HAVE NO LEGS!

[after drinking his first beer and spitting it out]
William: Nobody drink the beer, the beer has gone bad!

William: You see the salt on this pretzel? Look at the stars. Some people, they say the stars are billions and billions of tons of hot gas. But I think maybe, maybe it's just God's salt. And God's just waiting to eat us.

William: [Rocking out to Guns N Roses] Wild Bill Rock and Roll!

William: [Discussing "The Plan" with the X-Philes] Okay, you're Boba Fett, and you're Grand Moff Tarkin.
X-Phile 1: How come he gets to be Boba Fett?
William: Ok, fine, *you're* Boba Fett, and *you're* Grand Moff Tarkin.
X-Phile 2: I don't want to be Grand Moff Tarkin!
William: All right, fine, you know what? You're both KISS dolls!

X-Phile 1: I'm telling you, that patch of sky right up there above those powerlines is like a superhighway for UFO activity.
X-Phile 2: [sighs] Yeah, right. I wonder how William's doing at the party. I just hope he isn't having any trouble blending in.
[cut to a very drunk William, at the center of attention, downing coutless shots of liquor to show off to a crowd]
William: [to himself] Isn't there something I was supposed to do tonight?

Cop: Lichter? William Lichter? Let's go. Your parents are here to take you home.
William: [drunk] Oh... no. Oh... my parents? They're here? They must be so mad at me! Have you seen my father? Does he have a weapon of some kind?
Cop: Afraid not. Actually, they're more worried about you than anything else. You know, it's not your fault that...
[reads from a clipboard in a very sarcastic tone]
Cop: Mike Dexter beat you up and forced you to drink alcohol until you passed out.
William: Wh-what?
Cop: That's the statement we got from the Dexter kid. He made you drink, took your chothes off.
William: He... he said that?
Cop: Unless... if you have another unconvincing side of the story you'd like to tell...
William: No... no, no, no. It's what... yeah. Uh, you know. It's just the funny thing that... he finally came clean, you know? Mike, always picking on me, yeah.