Baron Mnchhausen
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Quotes for
Baron Mnchhausen (Character)
from The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (1988)

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The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (1988)
Sultan: Have you any famous last words?
Baron Munchausen: Not yet.
Sultan: "Not yet"? Is that famous?

Baron Munchausen: Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever.

Sally: Are you all right?
Baron Munchausen: Am I dead?
Sally: No.
Baron Munchausen: Blast!
Sally: Who are you really?
Baron Munchausen: [groans]
Sally: Baron Munchausen isn't real, he's only in stories.
Baron Munchausen: Go away! I'm trying to die!
Sally: Why?
Baron Munchausen: Because I'm tired of the world and the world is evidently tired of me.
Sally: But why? Why?
Baron Munchausen: Why, why, why! Because it's all logic and reason now. Science, progress, laws of hydraulics, laws of social dynamics, laws of this, that, and the other. No place for three-legged cyclops in the South Seas. No place for cucumber trees and oceans of wine. No place for me.

Baron Munchausen: You do believe me, don't you?
Sally: I'm doing my best.

Sally: You look different, younger.
Baron Munchausen: I always feel rejuvenated by a touch of adventure. For heaven's sake, don't you get any younger or I'll have to find a wet nurse.

Baron Munchausen: [after being saved by Sally] You horrible little brat! Can't you let me die in peace once in a while?

[repeated line]
Baron Munchausen: I have learned from experience that a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious.

Baron Munchausen: And that was only one of the many occasions on which I met my death, an experience which I don't hesitate strongly to recommend.

[repeated line]
Baron Munchausen: Open the gates!

Baron Munchausen: Berthold!
Desmond: The name's Desmond, mate! We're actors, not figments of your imagination! Now get a grip!

[the sound of the Turks' cannons being fired]
Baron Munchausen: They're inviting us to defeat them! We must oblige them!

Baron Munchausen: I'm Baron Munchausen!
Berthold: That sounds nasty. Is it contagious?

Baron Munchausen: Berthold, come on.
Berthold: Let go of me!
Baron Munchausen: You're coming with us.
Berthold: No chance!
Baron Munchausen: Why not?
Berthold: I can't remember.
Baron Munchausen: You're not frightened, are you?
Berthold: That's it!

Baron Munchausen: Abandon ship!
Berthold: I think the ship's abandoning us.

[the Queen's head comes to rescue the Baron]
Baron Munchausen: Where exactly is Roger?
Queen Ariadne: In bed, with my body, of course. OH!
[makes a series of high-pitched moans and squeals]
Queen Ariadne: Stop it. Stop it!
[to the Baron]
Queen Ariadne: If he discovers my head's with you - ooh! Quickly, quickly. Quickly! Climb into my hair.
[continuing to whimper]
Sally: Why is she making those funny noises?
Baron Munchausen: Um, her body is with the King, and he is, uh... tickling her feet.

Baron Munchausen: What's this?
Vulcan: Oh, this is our prototype. RX, uh, Intercontinental, radar-sneaky, multi-warheaded nuclear missile.
Baron Munchausen: Ah! What does it do?
Vulcan: Do? Kills the enemy.
Baron Munchausen: All the enemy?
Vulcan: Aye, all of them. All their wives, and all their children, and all their sheep, and all their cattle, and all their cats and dogs. All of them. All of them gone for good.
Sally: That's horrible.
Vulcan: Ahh. Well, you see, the advantage is you don't have to see one single one of them die. You just sit comfortably thousands of miles away from the battlefield and simply press the button.
Berthold: Well, where's the fun in that?

Baron Munchausen: Gentlemen! Don't you think it would be a good idea to silence those enemy cannons?
Gunner: No, sir.
Baron Munchausen: No?
Gunner: It's Wednesday.

Berthold: Hang on. Hang on! It's all coming back. I've-I've been stuck here for over twenty years, ever since you were last here on the moon. You abandoned me here! You swine! You toddled off with that old queen of tarts and left me to rot in that parrot cage, didn't you? And now you come back here, just because it suits you, after wasting half my life and expect me to follow you to the ends of the earth!
Baron Munchausen: Yes.
Berthold: All right.

Baron Munchausen: I want you to come and help us fight the Turk again.
Albrecht: Oh no, I couldn't do that. No. Not since I found myself. No, now I really know it, I never really wanted to be *big*, and *strong* and lug heavy things about. No. Now I know, I want to be dainty and sensitive. They call me 'The Midgett' down here. I love it. It's bliss.
Berthold: He's gone funny.

Baron Munchausen: The Sultan is going to cut off my head.
Adolphus: [puzzled] And?
Baron Munchausen: "And?"!
Adolphus: Is that all? Well, I'm sorry. I don't find that funny. DO you find that funny?

Baron Munchausen: Everyone who had a talent for it lived happily ever after.

Baron Munchausen: So, Mr. Jackson, still the rational man? How many people have perished in your logical little war?
Horatio Jackson: There are rules in life! We cannot fly to the moon. We cannot defy death. We must face facts, not folly. You don't live in the real world.

Sally: [the King of the Moon has imprisoned Sally and the Baron in a cage] 'One of the King's favourites'!
Baron Munchausen: This cage isn't real, just part of the King's lunacy.
Sally: [stamping on the metal floor] Seems solid enough to me.
Baron Munchausen: I see we're in a not-very-helpful frame of mind...


The Very Same Munchhausen (1979) (TV)
Baron Munchhausen: Smart-looking face is not a sign of intellect. All the dumb things in the world are done with that facial expression. Smile, gentlemen, smile.

Baron Munchhausen: Why can't you understand that Baron Munchhausen is famous not because he flew or did not fly to the moon, but because he doesn't lie.

Pastor: I've already noticed, baron, you've got rare books.
Baron Munchhausen: Yes, many of them are autographed.
Pastor: It must be so pleasant.
Baron Munchhausen: Sophocles for example.
Pastor: Who?
Baron Munchhausen: Sophocles. This is his best tragedy "Oedipus Rex" with an inscription.
Pastor: For whom?
Baron Munchhausen: For me, of course. Here: "To dear Karl from his loving Sophocles to be warmly remembered."

Marta: He
[Pastor]
Marta: was the fourth, Karl.
Baron Munchhausen: Don't care! We shall invite a fifth, a sixth, a tenth, a twentieth.
Marta: The twentieth will come just in time for my funeral, Karl.
Baron Munchhausen: Let's talk about something else. Is it worth spoiling such a nice evening?
Marta: Is it evening now?
Baron Munchhausen: [It's still light outside] Of course... Look at the moon... the stars!... I am coming to you, my darling...

Marta: [while visiting Munchhausen in Jail] I am ready to return to you. I shall stand everything.
Baron Munchhausen: Me? Never.
Marta: You face imprisonment.
Baron Munchhausen: A nice place.
[Short Pause]
Baron Munchhausen: Here, next to me are Ovid, Cervantes. We shall be knocking at the walls.


Hollywood Party (1934)
Harvey Clemp: Beg pardon, we haven't met. I'm Harvey Clemp, the oil king. Look, a thousand-dollar bill.
[tears up the bill]
Harvey Clemp: You can't do that unless you're a multimillionaire.
Baron Munchausen: A millionaire! Somebody give him a slipper, quick. Elsie, move over, sit down,.
[to Harvey]
Baron Munchausen: You eat, some champagne in the glass.
Knapp: Baron, don't forget our deal at hand: deliver the lions to the studio in the morning and get our check for fifty grand.
Baron Munchausen: I will, thank you.
Harvey Clemp: I'll give 60.
Knapp: I'll make it 70.
Harvey Clemp: 80.
Knapp: 90.
Harvey Clemp: 100.
Knapp: 110.
Harvey Clemp: 130.
Baron Munchausen: Wait, you skipped 120.
Knapp: 120.
Harvey Clemp: 110.
Knapp: 100.
Harvey Clemp: 90.
Knapp: 80.
Harvey Clemp: 70.
Baron Munchausen: Wait, gentlemen, you're going backwards. We was up to 130,000.
Harvey Clemp: Go ahead anyway, I'll give you the 140.
Knapp: I'll make it 150, and that's all that we can afford.
Baron Munchausen: Can I hear 160, could I hear 155? Going, wenting, leaving, could I please hear 155? Going, going...
Harvey Clemp: I'd rather make it 175.
Baron Munchausen: Sold! Sold to the gentleman on my right for $175,000.
Harvey Clemp: I want to congratulate you Baron, I think you made a mighty good sale there.

Baron Munchausen: [singing] I'm going to say, I'm going to...
Female chorus singers: [interrupting the Baron's singing] It's an honor to our nation, to hear your salutation / We have our celebration, in great anticipation
Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I want to say, I want to...
Baron Munchausen: [the chorus of ladies resumes singing] No leopards made him shiver, no tigers made him quiver / Down by the Niger River, where lions eat your liver
Baron Munchausen: I want to say, I want to say, oh...
Female chorus singers: [a waltz plays as Jimmy dances with the Baron and the chorus girls resume singing] This greeting's really a sensation, a most magnificent ovation
Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...
Female chorus singers: [singing] He only wants to say...
Baron Munchausen: [pauses singing] Well, let me say it!
Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...
Baron Munchausen: [fanfare plays, the Baron pauses singing again] Hello! I fooled you!
Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] Oh, hello, hello, hello, hel-lo
Female chorus singers: [singing] We are very glad to meet you, and we greet you with hello / Hello, hello, hel-lo.
Durante: [song pauses] Greetings and salutations, Baron! Welcome to my poor house.
Baron Munchausen: [chuckles] Well, who wants to live in a poor house?
Female chorus singers: [singing] Hello forever
Durante: [sings as he shakes the Baron's hand] Hello, forever
Female chorus singers: [song continues] Hello, hello. hel-lo!
Durante: [blushingly after the Baron kisses him on the cheeks] I never knew you cared.
Female chorus singers: [chorus resumes] Hel-lo!
[the guests applaud as the song ends]

Female chorus singers: [fanfare plays as song starts] This is a holiday, no melancholy day / This is a jolly day / To welcome the Baron, who came from the Congo today
Durante: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Durante: [sings] Why, the Baron is coming to say hello,
Female chorus singers: Hello
Durante: Just hello,
Female chorus singers: Hello, hello, hello
Durante: Not hello, hello, hello, but halloo
Female chorus singers: Halloo
Durante: Say, he won't say "howdy-doo", "miss me babe", or "how are you" / "Press the flesh, old thing" or "Cheerio", or say "How's tricks" or "there" or "hi-de-ho" / Not "Wie geht, mein freund" or "mazel tov", "Bonjour" or any high-hat stuff,
Durante: [spoken] What a lingust, what a linguist!
Durante: [song resumes] By now, you ought to know, the Baron's going to say hello,
African tribesmen chorus: A goona goona, a trader horna / Good afternoon-a, or is it morn-a? / Here's the Baron, kicking King Kong around /
Female chorus singers: What's he gonna say, what's he gonna say?
African tribesmen chorus: He's coming here to say hello,
Female chorus singers: Oh no,
African tribesmen chorus: That scootin' tootin sof-of-a-gun from Africa / That prevaricating second-to-none from Africa / He's going to say
Female chorus singers: He's going to say
Baron Munchausen: [a gorilla carries the Baron in his arms] I'm going to say
Baron Munchausen: [song pauses] And so we're here. It has been a long walk, but we're here, ha-ha. Schnarzan, I bring you the most ferocious ape ever captured in the valleys of Africa, he is the son of King Kong. His name is Ping Pong. Now let Papa down. Pingie, go to Schnarzan.

Baron Munchausen: [singing] I'm going to say, I'm going to...
Female chorus singers: [interrupting the Baron's singing] It's an honor to our nation, to hear your salutation / We have our celebration, in great anticipation
Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I want to say, I want to...
Female chorus singers: [the chorus of ladies resumes singing] No leopards made him shiver, no tigers made him quiver / Down by the Niger River, where lions eat your liver
Baron Munchausen: I want to say, I want to say, oh...
Female chorus singers: [a waltz plays as Jimmy dances with the Baron and the chorus girls resume singing] This greeting's really a sensation, a most magnificent ovation
Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...
Female chorus singers: [singing] He only wants to say...
Baron Munchausen: [pauses singing] Well, let me say it!
Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] I only want to say...
Baron Munchausen: [fanfare plays, the Baron pauses singing again] Hello! I fooled you!
Baron Munchausen: [resumes singing] Oh, hello, hello, hello, hel-lo
Female chorus singers: [singing] We are very glad to meet you, and we greet you with hello / Hello, hello, hel-lo.
Durante: [song pauses] Greetings and salutations, Baron! Welcome to my poor house.
Baron Munchausen: [chuckles] Well, who wants to live in a poor house?
Female chorus singers: [singing] Hello forever
Durante: [sings as he shakes the Baron's hand] Hello, forever
Female chorus singers: [song continues] Hello, hello. hel-lo!
Durante: [blushingly after the Baron kisses him on the cheeks] I never knew you cared.
Female chorus singers: [chorus resumes] Hel-lo!
[the guests applaud as the song ends]


Meet the Baron (1933)
Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: [to Baron Munchausen] We were looking for fruits and nuts.
The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: And then we found you!

The Famous Baron Munchausen of the Air: Did I have dinner tonight?
Joe McGoo - the Favorite 'Schnozzle' of the Screen: What a question, did you have dinner tonight? You ate 12 courses, not counting the cutlery!


The Outrageous Baron Munchausen (1962)
Baron Munchausen: This how I shall address the Sultan.
[The Baron then speaks in a series of musical tones]
Joey: Melodious, but unintelligible.
Baron Munchausen: The language of diplomacy!

Baron Munchausen: You move like a girl!
Tonick: Then what should I do?
Baron Munchausen: Fight like a man!
Tonick: Will it help?
Baron Munchausen: No, but it is the proper thing to do.