Jack Wells
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Quotes for
Jack Wells (Character)
from Lake Placid (1999)

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Lake Placid (1999)
Jack Wells: It's not a science trip.
Kelly Scott: Could you be a little more condescending? 'Cause I'm not real great with subtlety.
Jack Wells: Something in that lake killed somebody, all right? I appreciate your trying to help. I'm really glad that you... brought the RAID.
Kelly Scott: There, that's better.
Jack Wells: Ma'am...
Kelly Scott: Look, if you call me "ma'am" one more time I'll sue you, and with today's laws, it's possible.
Sheriff Hank Keough: She's good.

Sheriff Hank Keough: Tents were sent ahead. Should already be set up by the time we get there.
Kelly Scott: Tents? We're staying in TENTS?
Sheriff Hank Keough: I told you, two days we'd have to camp.
Kelly Scott: Yes! Camp! But I thought that meant Ramada Inn. I never heard tents! Will there be toilets?
Jack Wells: Maybe we should just take you back.
Kelly Scott: Why? Because I prefer toilets?
Kelly Scott: Maybe I should just wipe myself with some leafy little piece of poison oak. And then I can spend the whole day scratchin' my ass, blendin' in with the natives.

Kelly Scott: Uh, there's something I wanted to ask you. What's it like to be a woman in the woods of Maine? I mean, the guys don't turn all horny or anything like they did in Deliverance, right?
[She sees Jack Wells is listening]
Kelly Scott: Ahh... I knew you were there.
Jack Wells: Hmm. Never been to Maine before, huh?
Kelly Scott: Oh, I have good hygiene, I'm not welcome.

Mrs. Bickerman: Oh, my husband passed away. It's been almost two years now.
Sheriff Hank Keough: My department doesn't have any record of that, Mrs. Bickerman.
Mrs. Bickerman: Well, I'm sorry. Incomplete records haunt me so.
Jack Wells: What was the cause of your husband's death, ma'am? Do you know?
Kelly Scott: We don't mean to invade your privacy, but was he ill, was he sick?
Sheriff Hank Keough: Was he swallowed?

Hector Cyr: Sheriff, think about being rich. My parents had the added luxury of ditching me off at karate school on a regular basis. I *am* a brown belt, go ahead, take your best shot, take your best...
[Hank punches him in the nose, knocks him down]
Sheriff Hank Keough: [to Jack] He said he knew karate.
Jack Wells: You hit him.
Sheriff Hank Keough: I did, yeah.
Hector Cyr: Did he say "go"? Aren't you supposed to say "go" in karate? You're supposed to say "go"!

Sheriff Hank Keough: Look. He's suffering. I get to be humane.
[Aims grenade launcher]
Hector Cyr: No! No. No, no, no look, he's trapped. We've done it. So what it's not a net but, but, but he's trapped. Mission accomplished.
Jack Wells: Shoot him!
Hector Cyr: I've got more drugs. He's half dead.
Jack Wells: He's half alive! Shoot him!

Hector Cyr: What'd Bickerman say?
Jack Wells: Well, she didn't want to tell us about the second croc 'cause she was afraid we'd blow its head off.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Women's intuition.

Mrs. Bickerman: I'll sue you!
Jack Wells: Go ahead.
Mrs. Bickerman: You can't take a cow by eminent domain!
Sheriff Hank Keough: We just did.
Jack Wells: We won't let her get hurt, Ma'am.
Mrs. Bickerman: You're all cocksuckers! I knew it first, I just didn't want to say it!

Sheriff Hank Keough: We're saved! The museum in New York just sent us some additional backup.
Kelly Scott: Kelly Scott.
Jack Wells: Jack Wells.
Kelly Scott: Hi.
Jack Wells: Eh, some museum sent ya', huh?
Kelly Scott: What, are we all museum bigots in Maine?
Sheriff Hank Keough: She's rude sarcastic. You two should get along.

Jack Wells: Do you know how your husband died?
Mrs. Bickerman: Oh yes! I killed him.
Jack Wells: You killed him?
Mrs. Bickerman: Oh yes!

Hector Cyr: Let's not overlook the fact that he didn't eat me.
Jack Wells: 'Cause he just ate a cow, stupid!

Kelly Scott: We're doing the right thing.
[trapping instead of killing the crocodile]
Jack Wells: You might think differently if you get eaten.
Kelly Scott: Gee, thanks.

Kelly Scott: You hurt his feelings.
Jack Wells: I don't care.
[to Keough]
Jack Wells: Do you care?
Sheriff Hank Keough: No, he's an asshole.

Hector Cyr: [after being startled by Hank and his revolver] Jesus fucking Christ!
Sheriff Hank Keough: What the hell are you doing?
Hector Cyr: What the hell are YOU doing? I'm laying a spring trap.
Sheriff Hank Keough: I could have shot you!
Hector Cyr: This could end up saving your life, which is meaningful to you, because the longer you live, the more sex you get to have with your sister!
Jack Wells: [comes running over] What's going on here?
Hector Cyr: [about Hank, who'd been out for a bathroom break] He's waving his little wang around scaring the shit outta me!
Sheriff Hank Keough: [holds up his revolver] How big is *this?*

Kelly Scott: [closing dialogue at end of movie] Doesn't anyone "make a move" around here in Maine?
Jack Wells: [opens the passenger door and moves his bag] Get in.
Kelly Scott: You move a bag and that's it? That's your "move"?
Jack Wells: Come on, I know a good bar where we can get some beers.
Kelly Scott: [gets in and closes the door] Are the glasses clean?
Jack Wells: Uhh... yeah. Are you gonna complain like this all night?
Kelly Scott: [gives him a look] Start the car Jack.
Jack Wells: [gives her a look] I miss the crocodile already.
[they both laugh and drive away]
Jack Wells: [end of movie]