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: Gimme a powerslide. Full throttle. JB
[Hissing while performing a horrible powerslide
: How did that feel? JB
: Really good. How did it look? KG
: Amazing... ly bad.
: [Begins to vocalize. The microphone lights on fire and he knocks it over
: I do not need... KG
: He does not need. JB
: A microphone... KG
: A microphone. JB
: My voice is fucking... KG
: Fucking. JB
: Powerful! JB
: [Begins to sing to crowd and moves hand in a slow passing motion. A powerful wind comes from his hands
: [Begins to vocalize again and the man's head he is looking at explodes. He apologizes
: I did not mean... KG
: He did not mean. JB
: To blow your mind... KG
: To blow your mind JB
: But that shit happens to me... all the time!
: What's it gonna be Kyle? You have to decide... Tits... or Destiny. KG
: [Lifting up his shirt
: Cock, use the cock.
: Kyle's fingers be silver. KG
: Jack's voice then be gold. JB
: But lest you think we're vain. JB
: We know you're all robots and we don't care! Tenacious D! We reign! Supreme, Oh, God! Burrito supreme, and a chicken supreme, and a cutlass supreme.
: Excuse me, are you gonna charge us for all the refills? Truck Stop Waitress
] No, you're so pretty you'll get everything for free. KG
: That's a pretty good deal.
Open Mic Host
: [comforting Tenacious D
] You guys, having some satanic guitar pick isn't gonna make your rock any better... because Satan's not in a guitar pick, he's inside all of us. In here
[taps their chests
] Open Mic Host
: in your hearts. He's what makes us not want to go to work, or exercise, or tell the truth. He's what makes us want to party and have sex with each other all night long. He's that little voice in your mind that says "Fuck you" to the people you hate. Now you can stay out here and fight on the ground and cry like babies, or you can go in there like friends and rock. So, what's it gonna be? KG
] Let's go in there and show'em what Tenacious D is all about. JB
: Yeah. I already got a guitar pick anyways.
[holds up KG's pick
: [JB's first rocklesson
] Lesson 1: the powerslide
[turns on a video showing Pete Townshend performing a powerslide on stage
: [turns it of again
: Hm... It's just sliding on your knees. KG
: Is it? Or is it the single most powerful stage-move in any rocker's arsenal?
: I've had this birth mark since I was born! KG
: I have an ass-mark too!
: [looks out the window and sees a hot babe
] WOW, check out that superfox. KG
: You think you can handle a woman like that? JB
: I think so. KG
: Well, you better know so. Cause there's gonna be then times hotter once backstage at the Kyle Gass Project. JB
: Really? KG
: [nods his head
] Sex is a crucial component to the Kyle Gass Project. Now drop and give me one cock push-up. JB
: What's a cock push-up? KG
: [Repeats JB like he is supposed to know what it means
] What's a cock push-up? A cock push-up my friend, is when you lay on your stomach, and lift yourself of the ground with nothing but your boner. JB
: No problem. KG
: The cock is a muscle, you gotta learn how to flex it. From now on I want you to do one cock push-up a day, everyday. JB
: It hurts my cock. KG
: Keep at it, you never know when you'll need to fuck your way out of a tight situation.
: I AM COMPLETE! KG
: FUUUUCKK! Satan
] Yes you are fucked/Shit out of luck./Now I'm complete and my cock you will suck. This world shall be mine/ and you're first in line/You brought me the pick and now you shall both die! JB
] WAIT, Wait, wait, you motherfucker! We chalenge you to a rock-off! Give us one chance to rock your socks off! Satan
: FUCK! FUCK! Fuck! The demon code prevents me, from declining the rock off challenge. What are your terms? Whats the catch? JB
] If we win you must take your sorry ass back to hell, and also you will have to pay our rent! Satan
: And what if i win? JB
: Then you can take Kage back to hell... KG
: What? JB
: Trust me, Kage. It's the only way! KG
: What are you talking about? JB
: To be your little bitch! Satan
: Fine! Let the rock off begin!
: [after the first show
] That was amazing, you guys changed people's lives tonight. KG
: I know, it was so awesome dude. JB
: Yeah, it was awesome, compared to bullshit!
: Go ahead and sleep on the power couch. Your training begins tomorrow, at the crack of noon.
: Ready, Kage? KG
: Ready. JB
: Let's do this. Fatty.
: Do not make a sound unless it's a masterpiece. Not a fuckin' sound. KG
] Thought I felt something. JB
: Let's hear that back.
: Go score me a dime-bag. JB
: A what? KG
: Ten dollars worth of weed. Now listen: Go down to Wake & Bake Pizza, ask for Jojo. Tell him you want the Bob Marley Extra Crispy. He'll know what you're talkin' about. JB
: All right dude, roger that. One Extra Crispy comin' up!
[hangs up phone
: Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know I will be rockin' cause it's fucking insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, more precious than a diamond on a platinum chain! JB
: In Venice Beach, there was a man named Kage When he was buskin he was all the rage. He met Jables and he taught him well, all the techniques that were developed in hell. Cock pushups and the power slide, gig simulation now theres nowhere to hide. They formed a band they named Tenacious D, and then they got the Pick of Destiny. JB
: Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child. You know I will be rockin' cause it's fucking insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, our tasty grooves are better than a chicken chow mein! JB
: Cause he who is sleazy, is easy to pleasy. And she who is juicy, must be loosy-goosey. And he who is groovy, will be in my movie, so come on! JB
: The wizard and the demon had a battle royale, the demon almost killed him with an evil kapow, but then he broke his tooth and thus the demon said "OW" JB
: Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know I will be rockin' cause it's fucking insane! Cause it's the Pick! Of Destiny child, you know our movie's better than Citizen Kane! JB
: Cause he who's a geezer, must live in my freezer. And she who is starkey, is full of mularkey. And he who is groovy, must be in my movie, so come on! Oh! Cause if you're a diva, then go to Geneva. And if you're a crony, then suck on my bony. And if you are groovy, then get in my movie! It's called the Pick of Destiny! The Pick of Destiny.
Truck Stop Waitress
: What'll you have? KG
: What do you recommend? Truck Stop Waitress
: I recommend you order some food.
: I'll have the fried chicken. And the steak... and the chicken-fried steak.
: Whoa! You guys putting on a concert? Can I watch? KG
: Half off the pie? Lee
] Hey, you've reached KG. You know what to do.
: Welcome to the gig simulator, after this your training is complete, you will be ready to audition for the KGP. JB
: The what? KG
: The Kyle Gass Project. JB
: Oh, right, right.
: Dude, I've got some smoking hot babes, and they want us to play a gig! JB
: No, I've just had the weirdest conversation of my life in there.
[points to the bathroom
: Let the simulation begin!
[shines lights in JB's face
: Okay, should I just sing a song?
[KG presses tape recorder
] Tape recorder
: Hey, sing something, douche bag!
: I took a bullet for J.B., now i'm in heaven and I can see... Jack Black
: Your decision to rescue me... Kyle Gass
: ...was definatlly poops mcgee!