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: But, Mr. Dupree, I don't play baseball. I'm in the orchestra. Dupree
: First, call me Dupree 'cause I'm your teammate. Second, so what if you're in the orchestra? So was Catfish Hunter.
: [riding off on his bike
] I'll be fine.
[almost immediately is knocked off by a car
: What's with this 'Roman Holiday' obssesion? Your favorite movie is 'Fletch'. Dupree
: It's in my top five, but it's not my favorite.
: So you really were serious about Audrey Hepburn, huh? Dupree
: She had it all. Style, grace, ethereal beauty. Just like I thought Mandy did. Molly Peterson
: I don't know. I have a hard time imagining Audrey Hepburn getting buttered up to Funky Cold Medina. Dupree
: Really? I don't.
: You get your first ten-speed bike, and suddenly you're Lance Armstrong. Dupree
: Let's leave Lance out of this. Guy's done more with one testicle than you and I could do with three.
: Listen, if I got to be the lovable fuckup all my life to win your best friend prize, maybe you should keep your award. Carl Peterson
: I got news for you Dupree. You're not that lovable.
: [after fallling on the skateboard
] I've wracked my little Duprees!
: The doctor said most of my injuries are emotional.
: [during his job interview
] I'm a people person, very personable. I absolutely insist on enjoying life. Not so task-oriented. Not a work horse. If you're looking for a Clydesdale I'm probably not your man. Like I don't live to work, it's more the other way around. I work to live. Incidentally, what's your policy on Columbus Day? Interviewer
: We work. Dupree
: Really? The guy discovered the new world. I'm afraid to even ask about Victory Over Japan Day.
: What's going on with you and Molly? Dupree
: What? Carl Peterson
: You heard me. Are you in love with my wife? Dupree
: Have you lost your mind? What are you talking about? Carl Peterson
: Dupree. Dupree, just answer the question. Dupree
: Whoa, hold on, Jake LaMotta. I'm not gonna answer... that's a sick question! Carl Peterson
: How come you can't answer it? Dupree
: I'm not going to answer because it doesn't deserve and answer. How could you ask me something like that? Carl Peterson
: You're very clever, Dupree. You're living in my house. You're going to town on yourself in my living room. And now, you're moving in on my wife. Dupree
: What? Carl Peterson
: You think you got it all figured out, but I'm on to you, and you're out of here! Dupree
: Oh, no. Hold on. You're not throwing me out of here. I'll leave! Carl Peterson
: Good! And while you're at it, leave the flask and the groomsman's outfit. Dupree
: But you gave those to me. Those were gifts. Carl Peterson
: All right! You know, keep those. But leave the insignia, because that was for my best man.
: So what if her dad hates you. You think you're the first guy to be hated by his father-in-law? So what if he beat your ass with a candlestick. That's probably happened before.
: I'm throwing seven different kinds of smoke!
: Dupree, what you did in our bathroom last night was disgusting. Molly nearly passed out. Dupree
: I know, I know. Believe me. I'm never eating Buffalo wings again. I don't care how much I love them. I'm off them.
: There really aren't any more Audrey Hepburn's out there, are there?
: Everyone's asleep and here's lonely old Dupree waling away on himself. Molly Peterson
: You weren't waling away... Randy Dupree
: God! An animal wouldn't debase himself thus!
: It's not like I'm going to be working for him for the rest of my life. You know, I got plans of my own. Dupree
: There it is. There's that Carlness. They can't lay a glove on you, can they? God, I admire you. I really do.
: Make yourself at home. Molly and I are... Well, we're going to go upstairs and take care of some stuff. Dupree
: Well hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen, we're all adults here. You're newlyweds. Making love's a big part of that. You're supposed to explore each other. I get it. Come on. If this situation's gonna work, we've got to be honest with each other. Now, go on. Enjoy yourselves. I'm not going to listen. Hump away. Go on, get out of here. Good night.
: When did we get HBO? Dupree
: Yeah, you saw that. I upgraded us, and I'm going to go halfsies on it 'cause I love it also.
: If you're going to stay here, things are going to be different from now on. No more naked stuff. Dupree
: But it felt natural to be naked... Carl Peterson
: I don't care! I do not care!
: FirstFirst of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity to come talk to you on Career Day. Now, I am not Mr. Carl Peterson and I don't have a career per se. I guess you could say my career is living and loving. And I do that to the utmost... I see all you fresh-faced kidlets sitting there in your neat little rows, and you're all just pods. Pods, waiting for your instructions. Now some of you are going to get zapped right away and be 15-year-old prodigies, little midget Olympic gymnasts with their pictures on cereal boxes. Some of you will go on to college, and you'll find your rhythm there and then go chase down the titans of industry, or maybe straighten out our problems at the UN. But some of you, and this is the group that no one ever comes into Career Day and addresses, and it's criminal! Some of you are just going to float along, eating spicy foods, humming black people's music into your 30s, well into your 30s, languishing. This group of pods is going to do a lot of languishing. And you're going to take some heat for it. Sadly, you will. Europe's a little easier. They seem to understand a little better. So does South America. I went to Argentina one time and everyone just seemed to be sitting around. It was beautiful. But that's okay. Stay loose. Stay liquid. Laugh a lot. But be ready. That's what Dupree's doing with his life's little pod. Staying nimble till I get the call from the mother ship. My raison d'état. Then I'd fight. Then you'll see Dupree coming in here throwing seven different kinds of smoke!
: Would you be offended if Thompson asked you to get a vasectomy? Dupree
] What? Why would he want me to get a vasectomy, Carl? I barely know the man! Carl Peterson
: Sshhh, wait a minute! Wait! Dupree... Dupree
: Yes, I'd be offended! Carl Peterson
: No, not you! That's not what I mean! Just what do you think of vasectomies? Dupree
: Cutting off my manhood? I think it's barbaric. No one's getting near that part of my body. No one, Carl. Unless, of course, it's a woman. And then she better not have a scalpel. Carl Peterson
: Of course. Dupree
: Why would he want me to get a vasectomy? Carl Peterson
: He doesn't want you to get a vasectomy. It was a hypothetical question. Dupree
: Okay. Carl Peterson
: Forget I asked. Dupree
: Don't joke with me like that, man.
: Bob, before I go, I have my own question for you. And remember, you've never lied to me either, as far as I know. Who did you really want to get a vasectomy? Me? Or was it, in fact, Carl?
: What's with this "Carlness?" It's not even a real word. Dupree
: Yes it is. Carl Peterson
: Oh, it is? Dupree
: It's a verb. It's a conjunction. A preposition. It's a philosophy. A way of life. It's your name with "ness" attached to it.