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Quotes for
Gil Chesterton (Character)
from "Frasier" (1993)

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"Frasier: The Zoo Story (#5.12)" (1998)
[the station has hired a tough negotiator, "The Hammer" to renegotiate everyone's contract. Gil's salary has been slashed, but Bebe comes in with Roz, cheering]
Gil Chesterson: How on earth did you get all that?
Bebe: Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried.
[pause]
Bebe: Usually, that's just a metaphor...

[Gil enters the cafe in a daze]
Frasier: Oh, Gil. How did it go with the Hammer?
Gil Chesterson: You've never seen such cold, dead eyes! It was like bargaining with Nosferatu!


"Frasier: Halloween (#5.3)" (1997)
[Gil and Martin are snacking at the Halloween party]
Gil Chesterson: Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.
Martin: [picks up a cheese cube and eats it] Mmm... cheesy.
Gil Chesterson: Mmm, yes, "cheesy." Le mot juste. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
Martin: Yep. So who are you supposed to be?
Gil Chesterson: Chingachgook. I'm the last of the Mohicans.
Martin: Oh... Well... that little mystery solved.

Gil Chesterton: Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.
Martin: Mmm, cheesy.
Gil Chesterton: Mmm, yes, "cheesy." *Le mot juste*. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
Martin: Yep.


"Frasier: Frasier-Lite (#11.12)" (2004)
[before the initial weighing, the staff gorges themselves on junk food to boost their starting weight]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: We got cheeseburgers, donuts, french fries, tacos...
Gil Chesterton: And a duck confit that's as rich as Donald Trump and twice as greasy.

[the KACL team is sitting in a steam room]
Roz Doyle: It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty.
[pause]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty.
Roz Doyle: That wasn't me, Bulldog.
Gil Chesterton: That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall consider it strike one.


"Frasier: Ham Radio (#4.18)" (1997)
Gil Chesterton: [Gil's 'Boyhood in Surrey' speech has been cut from the radio mystery] I'm dying...
Frasier: Poor man was gone.
Gil Chesterton: Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey
[makes triumphant face at Frasier]
Gil Chesterton: , romping with my schoolchums in the thins and spinneys...
Frasier: [fake gunshot] Just then, the lights went out again. Nigel Fairservice was shot again!
Gil Chesterton: Only grazed me! When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lum...
Frasier: [fake gunshot] The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders!

Gil Chesterton: [Frasier is still casting for his radio play Nightmare Inn] Oh, Frasier. I've had a quick peek at your script and I think I'd be perfect as Bull Kragen, the brutish gamekeeper.
Frasier: You know, Gil. I think that's just a bit too on the nose.
[Gil nods in agreement]


"Frasier: The Innkeepers (#2.23)" (1995)
Gil Chesterton: And so, in the opinion of this critic, Mickey's Good Time Tavern is anything but. Dismal decor, perfunctory service, and cuisine that's only marginally preferable to hunger. And finally, on a sadder note, after fifty-three years in the same location, Orsini's is closing its doors. And so tonight a sad adieu to the grand dame of Seattle restaurants.
Roz Doyle: [aside to Frasier] I thought *he* was the grand dame of Seattle restaurants.

Gil Chesterton: This is Gil Chesterton saying bon appetite, buon appetito, and nifty noshing.


"Frasier: The Two Mrs. Cranes (#4.1)" (1996)
Gil Chesterton: Brilliant show, Frasier! Chock full of pithy insight.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What do you want?
Gil Chesterton: A favor. Bonnie Weems, the Auto Lady, just asked me to another one of her wretched dinner parties. Well, I was planning on saying that you and I have ballet tickets, so do back me up.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, I can't.
Gil Chesterton: Oh, but you've got to! Have you any idea how vile her food is? The local raccoons have posted warning signs on her trash bins!
Dr. Frasier Crane: You see, she already invited me, and I told her I promised my father I'd drive him to his army reunion at Rattlesnake Ridge.
Gil Chesterton: Oh, very clever. Well, I'd use it myself, but I killed my father off to escape her Labor Day clambake.


"Frasier: Everyone's a Critic (#7.4)" (1999)
Gil Chesterton: And I thought I'd seen some cruel pranks in the army.


"Frasier: The Perfect Guy (#5.17)" (1998)
[all the male employees at the station are jealous of the new radio host, an impossibly handsome man]
Gil Chesterson: I must confess, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
[stunned silence]
Roz: You didn't notice? You of all people?
Gil Chesterson: Just what are you insinuating?
Roz: Well, you know, that you're a little, er...
Gil Chesterson: For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
[stunned silence]
Frasier: You're... married?
Bulldog: To a woman?
Gil Chesterson: Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb. Well, how often have I said, "I must be running along now, Deb will be waiting"?
Roz: We thought Deb was your cat.
Gil Chesterson: She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop. Honestly, the conclusions people make, just because a man dresses well and knows how to use a pastry bag!
[he exits]
Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.


"Frasier: She's the Boss (#3.1)" (1995)
Roz: All right, all right, listen up everyone, I've been working the office grapevine, I've got the scoop on the new boss.
Gil Chesterton: Is she going to fire me?
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey, first things first! Is she baggable?
Roz: Forget it, Bulldog; she'd have you for breakfast.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Right, like I ever stick around that long.
Roz: Anyway, the word is that she's like this psycho perfectionist. Everyone at her last station was scared to death of her. She's kind of becoming my idol.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey, what if she hates sports? I need this job! I just promised my mom a new pacemaker! Wait, think I could get her to believe I said "pasta maker?"


"Frasier: Good Grief (#6.1)" (1998)
Gil Chesterton: A word of caution on the hummus: To be avoided, as a leper would avoid a magic teacup ride.
Roz Doyle: Gil, Frasier made that.
Gil Chesterton: Oh I'm so sorry.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's quite all right. I understand. You need to flex your critical muscles while you're between jobs.
Gil Chesterton: Oh good, then you might enjoy this one: After sampling your unnuanced baba ganoush, I was tempted to describe your entire Middle-Eastern buffet as 'The Sorrow and the Pita.' Oh who's got a pencil, I've got to write that one down.


"Frasier: Frasier Grinch (#3.9)" (1995)
Gil Chesterton: For those of you who have not yet sampled the punch, here is my capsule review: vile bouquet, unwholesome colour, ghastly taste - and a kick that is simply heaven.


"Frasier: Frasier's Edge (#8.9)" (2001)
Roz Doyle: [to Gil who has just lost an award] Come on, Gil. Isn't it enough to be enough?
Gil Chesterton: You tell me, Miss Three-Time Loser.


"Frasier: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (#3.21)" (1996)
[Gil has been fooled into thinking the new owner is Greek]
Gil Chesterson: [annoyed] Well, I hope you're happy! I've just given four stars to a restaurant called "A Taste Of Greece" which, trust me, is no misnomer.


"Frasier: The Fight Before Christmas (#7.11)" (1999)
Frasier: Have you been baking?
Gil Chesterson: I have. Gingerbread men.
Frasier: Oh my, don't they look... muscular.
Gil Chesterson: Yes well, my wife and I made a New Year's Resolution: Deb and I have joined a gym to slim down and buff up. We needed these to inspire us.
Frasier: Ah yes, there's nothing to straighten a dieter's resolve like a good motivational pastry.


"Frasier: Roz in the Doghouse (#2.12)" (1995)
Gil Chesterton: Oh, I'm so sorry, Frasier. I too entertained hopes for low comedy.


"Frasier: The Doctor Is Out (#11.3)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, shut up you big queen!
Gil Chesterton: Well, I see kitty has claws.


"Frasier: Slow Tango in South Seattle (#2.1)" (1994)
[Bulldog and Gil are reading passages from a romance novel]
Bulldog: [laughing] "I wept as our bodies made the music of love."
Gil Chesterson: [laughing] "I'm your rhapsody, play me!"
Bulldog: [laughing] "Crescendo, my young maestro, crescendo!"
Gil Chesterson: My vessel yearns to dock in the magnificence of your harbor.
Bulldog: [laughs, then stops] Hey, that's not in the book!