Kelly Gaines
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Quotes for
Kelly Gaines (Character)
from "Cheers" (1982)

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"Cheers: Loverboyd (#8.22)" (1990)
[Kelly enters the bar]
Kelly Gaines: Hi Woody.
Woody Boyd: Oh hey, Kelly. I didn't expect to see you here.
Kelly Gaines: Oh, Woody, I'm leaving for Europe first thing in the morning, and I wanted to spend every single free minute of the time I have left with you.
Woody Boyd: That's a great idea.
Kelly Gaines: But first, I have to get my hair done. Oh, then I have to get my shots, and I have to buy a new bathing suit. Oh, and I haven't even started packing.
Woody Boyd: So what are you saying, Kelly?
Kelly Gaines: I guess, "bye".
Woody Boyd: Well, at least we have this time together.

Woody Boyd: What are you studying?
Kelly Gaines: French, Economics, and Nude Male Figure Drawing.

Kelly Gaines: Oh, Woody. I kind of wish I didn't have to go all the way to Europe right now, what with us getting so close and everything. But Daddy really wants me to go and you know how he is.
Woody Boyd: [slightly exasperated] Do I ever.
Kelly Gaines: What's that supposed to mean?
Woody Boyd: Nothing. I just know how he is.
Kelly Gaines: What do you mean by "is"?
Woody Boyd: Well, he can be sort of... you know.
Kelly Gaines: What do you mean by "you know"?
Woody Boyd: Same thing as is.
Kelly Gaines: [getting mad] Hey! Are you putting down Daddy?
Woody Boyd: I'm not putting down Daddy.
Kelly Gaines: Don't call him Daddy. He's not your Daddy. He's my Daddy!
Woody Boyd: Well it's a good thing, because my Daddy doesn't treat me like a baby!
Kelly Gaines: [shocked] Woody Boyd, what an awful thing to say!
Woody Boyd: I'm sorry, Kelly. I take it back.
Kelly Gaines: [removing the 'Promise Ring' Woody gave her and putting it on the bar counter] Well you can take this back, too.
Woody Boyd: I can't take this back, I don't even have a receipt.
Kelly Gaines: [in a matter-of-fact tone of voice] Well then I guess you'll just have to find the person who has it, and give it back to them so they can return it and get credit.
Woody Boyd: [confused] What's that supposed to mean?
Kelly Gaines: You know what it means.
Woody Boyd: [still confused] No really, what does it mean?
Kelly Gaines: [leaving the bar] Stop it Woody, you can't make up now.
Woody Boyd: [still confused, and turning to the others] No really, can anybody tell me what it means?

Sam Malone: [picks up one of Kelly's Barbie doll's combs] Boy, this is a great little comb. Teeth aren't too wide, nice flexibility, good heft. I've been looking for one of these for my eyebrows.
Kelly Gaines: That one's for blondes.
Sam Malone: For...? Geesh, you are rich.

Woody Boyd: We could get secretly engaged.
Kelly Gaines: Oh yes, Woody. That's a wonderful idea. It'll be our special secret. I'll be in Europe, and you'll be here, and we'll have an unspoken bond across the ocean.
Woody Boyd: Oh, that sounds swell. So you won't date any other guys while you're in Europe?
Kelly Gaines: Well Woody, if I don't date any other guys, then people might suspect that I'm secretly engaged.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, that's right, yeah. So I'll have to do the same thing back here in the States, 'cept of course I'll date women.
Kelly Gaines: Right Woody.
Woody Boyd: Yeah.
Woody Boyd: Hey, wait a minute. You're not already secretly engaged to someone else, are you?
Kelly Gaines: No. But even if I were, I couldn't tell you because it'd be a secret.
Woody Boyd: Boy, I can trust you.

Woody Boyd: [Hiding in Kelly's closet, and finding a surprise] Wow! What are all these Barbie legs doing in here?
Kelly Gaines: ...Sometimes I get mad.

Woody Boyd: Kelly, I wanna say something. I'm not just gonna stand still while you run off to Europe. I love you Kelly, and I want to make you Ms Woodrow Tiberius Boyd.
Kelly Gaines: ...Tiberius?
Woody Boyd: [upset that she doesn't like his middle name, and counters with her own in retaliation] Susan!
Sam Malone: Kids, kids, calm down. Why is everybody making such a big fuss about their middle name?
Woody Boyd: What's yours, Sam?
Sam Malone: Hey, shut up!

Woody Boyd: Kelly, you mean everything in the world to me, and I want you to know that someday I'm going to give you back everything you've given up by marrying me.
Kelly Gaines: Oh Woody, I don't need all those things. I'd live in a coldwater flat in the seediest part of town to be with you.
Woody Boyd: Then have I got a surprise honeymoon suite for you.

Sam Malone: The point is that you should be sharing with each other how you feel-names don't matter. I'm not saying that you should get married, but...
Kelly Gaines: No no! Let's get married. Oh, that'll be a blast!
[Woody and Kelly embrace and begin to kiss passionately]
Sam Malone: Well, whether you get married or not, what's important is to share how you feel. How you feel about him, how he feels about you, how...
Kelly Gaines: Woody, I know he's your friend and all, but...
Woody Boyd: [in a direct 'I know what I want' tone of voice] Beat it, Sam.

"Cheers: Rich Man, Wood Man (#10.19)" (1992)
[Kelly has just taken her first subway ride. Woody, on the other hand, just got mugged on the subway]
Kelly Gaines: Woody, I wanted to show you that I can live without all my money.
Woody Boyd: Well, I don't want you to live without your money. I think it's wrong for someone to have to give up their money. It kind of came to me as I was handing over my wallet.

Kelly Gaines: [Woody has locked himself in the main office of Cheers] Woody, aren't you ever coming out of there? You're starting to scare me.
[Woody opens the door]
Woody Boyd: I'm sorry Kelly, I'm not trying to scare you but it's just, your money is turning me into a monster. All my old friends hate me now.
[Woody closes the door]
Kelly Gaines: But everything was going so well, what happened?
[Woody opens the door]
Woody Boyd: I just looked into a mirror and I didn't like what I saw.
[Woody closes the door]
Kelly Gaines: Whatever's wrong, we can work it out.
[Woody opens the door]
Woody Boyd: It's a little more complicated than that, Kelly.
[Woody closes the door]
Sam Malone: [remarking to himself and Norm nearby] It's like having a fight with Senor Wences.
Woody Boyd: [Woody opens the door] Come on in, Kelly.
Kelly Gaines: Thank you.
Norm Peterson: [after Kelly has gone into the office with Woody, and the door closes behind them] You know Sammy, you could nail that door shut right now. I didn't see a thing.

Norm Peterson: Kelly, I don't think Woody can even afford taxis. You'll have to take the subway.
Kelly Gaines: The what?
Norm Peterson: The 'T,' you know, the subway.
Kelly Gaines: Come again?
Norm Peterson: The subway, th-the little trains that run underground? Carry people back and forth?
Kelly Gaines: [thinking he's joking] Right, an underground train. You're such a joker, Mr Peterson!
Norm Peterson: Kelly, they exist, an-and most people take them to work everyday!
Kelly Gaines: [still not convinced] Sure they do, Mr Peterson. Alright, I'll take your little underground train tomorrow morning.
[snickers as she leaves the bar]
Kelly Gaines: Underground trains: whoo-whoo!

Kelly Gaines: Hi everybody! Where's Woody?
Rebecca Howe: Well he's out looking for you. What happened, Kelly? Did you get lost?
Kelly Gaines: No, I was having such a great time I didn't want it to end! I love the subway!
Rebecca Howe: Wait a minute. You like the subway?
Kelly Gaines: Not at first. I got real angry because a lot of other people tried to get on 'my subway car.' And then I met some young people who apparently work for the city, because they were spray painting the walls, and they let me write 'Kelly loves Woody' in a big red heart! And then 'the pigs' came and we ran.

"Cheers: Golden Boyd (#7.13)" (1989)
[after her date with Woody, Kelly is about ready to take off with boyfriend Nash]
Kelly Gaines: So, I guess we should be leaving.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, I guess I should be getting back to work.
Kelly Gaines: Well, have fun working.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, have fun leaving.

Kelly Gaines: Thanks again for a wonderful evening, Woody. You introduced me to a whole new world.
Woody Boyd: Man, it's hard to believe a girl like you's never been to a monster truck and tractor-pull before.

Kelly Gaines: Nash, I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it. I'm tired of being treated like chattel.
Woody Boyd: Excuse me, I think that's pronounced "cattle"?

Woody Boyd: Ok, let's hurry! If we get there by 6 o'clock we can sit at the Pac-Man table.
Kelly Gaines: What's a Pac-Man?
Woody Boyd: Oh Kelly, I have so much to teach you.

"Cheers: Two Girls for Every Boyd (#8.9)" (1989)
[Emily and Woody are rehearsing a romantic scene. Emily kisses Woody, when Kelly walks in. Kelly has no idea Woody is in a play]
Kelly Gaines: Woody. I can't believe it.
Woody Boyd: Oh wait Kelly. It's not what it looks like.
Kelly Gaines: Don't make excuses, Woody. Now I see what's going on. You're busy every night and you won't tell me why. I walk in here and find you two kissing in the back room of a bar. It all adds up. You're in a play and you didn't even tell me.
[Kelly rushes out. Woody chases after her]
Woody Boyd: Wait, maybe I was just cheating on you.

Woody Boyd: Wait, this is a misunderstanding.
Emily: Yeah, listen to him.
Kelly Gaines: [to Emily] You stay out of this!
Cliff Clavin: Oh, Woody's babes comin' ta blows!
[the guys at the bar all start chanting "Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!"]
Kelly Gaines: [after Emily blocks the door, keeping her from leaving] You get out of my way right now or so help me I'll, I'll, I'll hurt your feelings!
Emily: You do, and I'll hurt yours right back.
[the guys at the bar turn away, realizing the fight's gone 'tame,' chanting "Kitten fight. Kitten fight. Kitten fight."]

"Cheers: No Rest for the Woody (#10.14)" (1992)
Kelly Gaines: [about Woody] Is he OK?
Sam Malone: Yeah, he's fine. It's just he's been working twenty-four hours a day for the past four days.
Kelly Gaines: Is that a lot? I'm not part of the workforce.

[the Insurance Agent has taken Woody's blood]
Woody Boyd: Do I get a cookie?
Insurance Agent: I'm sorry, no.
Woody Boyd: Why not? The other place gave me a cookie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Woody, are you saying you've already given blood today?
Woody Boyd: Is that bad?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, it's bad. You're suffering from a lack of blood and a lack of sleep. I'm surprised you're not hallucinating.
Woody Boyd: Ah, that's a good one, Dr. Crane. Hallucinating.
[Kelly enters]
Kelly Gaines: Woody, why aren't you ready for the party?
Woody Boyd: What party? Who are you? Why am I covered with ants?

"Cheers: The Gift of the Woodi (#7.19)" (1989)
Kelly Gaines: Oh Woody, you make me feel so ashamed. Your gift makes all those others seem so cheap.
Woody Boyd: [embracing her] Oh Kelly, you're the best girl in the whole world.
Kelly Gaines: And to think that for your Birthday, I was going to get you a Porsche. Talk about shallow. All you really need is to hear me say, 'I love you too.'
[suddenly notices that Woody has grown very quiet]
Kelly Gaines: Woody... Woody?
Woody Boyd: I'm sorry, did you say something after 'Porsche?'

Cliff Clavin: [offering Kelly some of his vegetable preparations] Beetabega fajita-on-a-pita?
Kelly Gaines: [thinking he's speaking Spanish] No habla espanol, senor.

"Cheers: A Fine French Whine (#10.10)" (1991)
Kelly Gaines: Sorry Henrí but I guess I can't marry you because my boyfriend won't let me.

Henrí: I am sorry Kelly. I was trying to take you away from Woody and have my way with you and divorce you and take half your money. Can you ever forgive me?
Kelly Gaines: Oh, I can't stay mad at you you silly.

"Cheers: Woody or Won't He (#8.17)" (1990)
Kelly Gaines: Sam?
Sam Malone: Yeah?
Kelly Gaines: You're invited to come Saturday too. After all, you're almost a member of the family. Mother, Sam was the one who introduced Woody and me.
Sam Malone: Actually, no I didn't.
Kelly Gaines: You didn't?
Sam Malone: No.
Kelly Gaines: Well gee, it'd be rude to uninvite you now, so I, I guess we're stuck. Well, we'll see ya.

"Cheers: Home Malone (#9.25)" (1991)
Sam Malone: Say, Carla, I'm babysitting tonight. You got any advice for me?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sure. Here's everything you need to know about babies. Remember, you're the boss.
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, stick a bottle in their mouth.
Sam Malone: Great, OK, great.
[Sam leaves and Kelly, who has just started working as a waitress at the bar, enters]
Kelly Gaines: OK, I'm ready.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: OK. Here's everything you need to know about customers. Remember, you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, just stick a bottle in their mouths.

"Cheers: The Little Match Girl (#11.1)" (1992)
Woody: It's a good thing this fire didn't spread. It could have been like that fire my great-grandmother's cow started. Darn thing kicked over a lantern and burned an entire city to the ground. Yup, the shame was so great, the family had to move to Ohio and change their last name to Wilkins.
Kelly: But Woody, you're from Indiana and your family name is Boyd.
Woody: Oh, well, some stuff happened in Ohio.

"Cheers: Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl (#11.10)" (1992)
Kelly Boyd: Well, Mr. No-Wife-of-Mine-Will-Have-Her-Family-Buy-Us-a-House-Even-If-We-Have-to-Live-Like-Peasants Boyd, if you insist, then I guess I have no choice.
Woody Boyd: First, that's not my name.

"Cheers: Woody Interruptus (#9.12)" (1990)
Kelly Gaines: Woody, I think you were a little rude to Henri just now.
Woody Boyd: Well, I think Henri was a little rude too.
Kelly Gaines: He's supposed to be rude, he's French!

"Cheers: The Beer Is Always Greener (#11.2)" (1992)
Woody Boyd: I love you, Kelly - that's why I'm now a member of the Lutheran Evangelical Church of America. Just like you.
Kelly Boyd: Oh, Woody! You saved our marriage... What a wonderful sacrifice! Now when we die and go to heaven, we won't be separated by barbed wire and barking dogs... What was it exactly that saved you, Woody?
Woody Boyd: Something Dr. Crane said.
Kelly Boyd: ...That thing about how true love can overcome all differences?
Woody Boyd: Not exactly. He took me aside and said that I'd better get used to giving into you on every point for the rest of our lives if I ever want to see you naked again.

"Cheers: Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa (#11.9)" (1992)
Kelly Boyd: Don't play dumb with me, Miss Howe. I invented it.