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: [to Cliff
] I'm looking forward to seeing what you're doing with your life and how we can go about fixing it.
: I got you a great hotel here. Look, it's got HBO... Esther Clavin
: You shouldn't go to that expense. All I need is a large appliance carton and I can sleep on the street with all the other forgotten mothers.
: What's your name? Woody Boyd
: Woody. Esther Clavin
: Woody! Oh, that's the name of a boy whose mother raised him right. Woody Boyd
: Really? 'Cause I looked it up and all I could find was "tree-like".
: Clifford, I'm not trying to make you jealous. I don't have to. I found a wonderful companion in Woody. He's like the son I never had. Cliff Clavin
: What about me? Esther Clavin
: You're the son I did have.
[Cliff and Woody are fighting over Ma Clavin's affections
] Esther Clavin
: Now, now, boys. Let's not get into a Cain and Abel situation here. I can love you both for different reasons. Woody, I can love you because you're generous and kind and strong. And Clifford, I can love you because I'm your biological mother and nature dictates there be a bond.
: [after Cliff and Woody accidentally fall into a hole
] Yes, they're my children all right. Both dumb as dishwater.
: [to son Cliff
] You're my pride and joy. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
[she pauses and ponders that statement
] Esther Clavin
: Gee, think of that.
: Norman, I want to thank you. Norm Peterson
: For what? Esther Clavin
: Well, I know Clifford doesn't have many friends. I remember that surprise birthday party I organized for him and you were the only one who showed up. Norm Peterson
: Yeah. Where were you anyway? Esther Clavin
: I just forgot.
Margaret 'Maggie' O'Keefe
: Command of trivia is one of the things that attracted me to Cliff. That and his manners. Esther Clavin
: Good heavens, his what? Margaret 'Maggie' O'Keefe
: His manners. Esther Clavin
: Oh, my dear, I thought you said his manhood.
: [looking at photos in a scrapbook with Cliff
] Oh look, there's your favorite hiding place in the closet. You used to be in there for hours. Cliff Clavin
: Yeah, it's because you used to always lock the door on me Ma. Esther Clavin
: Well, look at the result, you're a very polite young man.
: Dear Lord, bless Clifford and me, unworthy wretches that we are. Bless the postal system and keep it from harm by helping it to detect the real loonies. Bless our friends and thank you for letting Sam find succor here tonight. Bless the late Mr. Clavin. I know he's not in your vicinity but rather roasting in hell on a spit reserved for those who desert their family. Amen.