Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso
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Quotes for
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso (Character)
from "Cheers" (1982)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Cheers: Peterson Crusoe (#3.11)" (1984)
Norm Peterson: [about a spot found on his chest x-ray] Ever since I heard this news, all I can think of is how I may be coming to the end of my life with nothing to show for it.
Diane Chambers: Well, you've got all of us, your friends. And we're going to be with you, all the way through this.
Sam Malone: You bet.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean we're going to have to have the surgery and everything, Diane? I'm not saying I won't do it.
Diane Chambers: I'll explain it later, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Everybody says, "I'll explain it later".

Norm Peterson: A flaw on the x-ray.
[everyone breathes a sigh of relief for Norm]
Cliff Clavin: Oh, let me buy you a drink, Normie.
Norm Peterson: No, no, no, no, not right now, Cliff. Right now I think I'm going to take a little walk with a gentleman I haven't been paying a whole lot of attention to lately: Norm Peterson.
Diane Chambers: I think I understand.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I don't, but I'm sure you'll tell me later.

[Norm is about ready to head off for good to Bora Bora]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Goodbye Normie.
Norm Peterson: Goodbye Coach.
[they give each other a big hug]
Cliff Clavin: Coach, Coach, you're going to feel pretty silly when he pulls the plug on this gag, you wait and see.
Norm Peterson: You understand, don't you Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, Normie, but they'll tell me later.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Norm. Normie, you want to hear a crazy, hopeless dream? I wanted to play baseball, and uh, maybe coach a little you know, and then afterward tend bar in a nice place. And look what happened to me?
Sam Malone: Coach, that's exactly what happened to you.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh yeah. No wonder I'm such a happy guy.

Cliff Clavin: When I was a lad, I went to see the movie Trapeze with Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No kidding Cliffy, did you sit between them?

[Coach has agreed to judge a contest between Diane and Carla]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Diane and Carla] Now, if either one of you suspects any wrong-doing, you come to me and I'll make an immediate and final decision.
Diane Chambers: Do we have any appeal?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I think you're both cute as a button, but that's not going to affect my decision.


"Cheers: Father Knows Last (#1.15)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah, Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?
Norm Peterson: I can't, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, I'm sorry Norm.
Norm Peterson: I look at Vera, and I just can't.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Diane. Make a toast.
Diane Chambers: Oh, all right. 'To the baby. With Marshall as the father, it's sure to have brains. With Carla as the mother, it's sure to have... need for them.'

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You know the biggest argument I ever had with my wife was over naming our daughter. She kept insisting, insisting on Lisa, and I wanted to stick with the original name.
Sam Malone: What was that, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Baby Girl Pantusso.

[the gang discovers who the father of Carla's baby is]
Norm Peterson: Marshall?
Cliff Clavin: Carla made love to a Ph.D. from MIT?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [Annoyed] Hey, look, you guys, if you can't say it in front of me don't say it at all.


"Cheers: King of the Hill (#3.15)" (1985)
[Sam walks into Cheers. Sees a few huge boxes in front of the bar.]
Sam Malone: Ahhh, come on Coach, is this what I think it is?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What do you think it is?
Sam Malone: I think it's something totally useless that some salesman talked you into buying.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Boy, you're good at thinking Sam.
Sam Malone: [reads the boxes] Oh. The "Billiard Buddy Pool Table Adapter".
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah. But it's not useless Sam. You can make it into a ping-pong table, a knock-hockey table, a salad bar...
Sam Malone: How much?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, I don't know. A buck. A buck and a half with croutons.
Sam Malone: No, Coach. I mean how much for the whole thing?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, six hundred bucks Sam, but the salesman said, the salesman said satisfaction guaranteed.
Sam Malone: Or...?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Now, that would have been a good question.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, are you really going to play in this charity game?
Sam Malone: Yeah, you know I was out there warming up Coach, and my arm feels pretty good.
Carla Tortelli: Are you kidding me? When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, it's not cooking.
Sam Malone: All I care about is not embarrassing myself.
Carla Tortelli: Good luck.
Sam Malone: I have a right to be a little bit rusty. The only thing I've thrown in the past ten years is Diane's butt out of here.
Diane Chambers: No Sam, you're thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of here.
Sam Malone: Ah.
Carla Tortelli: [sarcastically] You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue on the subject is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
Cliff Clavin: Well, as a matter of fact, I was just about to tell Normie here that Florida is a pollution-free state. You know, you know how they treat solid waste?
Carla Tortelli: You said they treated you very well.

Diane Chambers: [about Playboy Playmates] What kind of culture do I live where they are the ideal woman?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well gee Diane, you've got to admit they are beautiful.
Diane Chambers: Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive hair cuts and those bodies, and what have you got?
Carla Tortelli: You!

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What'll it be, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a trough of beer and a snorkel.


"Cheers: Someone Single, Someone Blue (#1.20)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [about an elderly gentleman who just left the bar] You know something? That's the first guy I ever met that was actually on the Titanic, Sam.
Sam Malone: He survived the Titanic?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I forgot to ask.

Diane: Oh, Ernie Pantuso, but you can call him 'Coach'.
Coach: Or you can call me 'Red'.
Diane: Red?
Sam: Yeah, during his playing days his teammates used to call him Red.
Mrs. Helen Chambers: Oh because your hair was red?
Coach: Oh no ma'am. Because I read a book.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What'll it be, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Fame, fortune, fast women.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, yeah? How about a beer?
Norm Peterson: Even better.


"Cheers: Give Me a Ring Sometime (#1.1)" (1982)
[Diane is sitting at the bar and needs to go to the ladies room]
Diane: Excuse me. Where is your bathroom?
Coach: Uh, next to my bedroom.

Coach: [answers the ringing telephone] Cheers... Yeah, just a sec.
Coach: [to everyone in the bar] Is there an Ernie Pantusso here?
Sam: That's you, Coach.
Coach: [to the person on the phone] Speaking.

Coach: I'm working on a novel. Going on six years now. I think I might finish it tonight.
Diane: You're writing a novel?
Coach: No, reading it.


"Cheers: No Help Wanted (#2.14)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm Peterson: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, I hope he didn't tell me and I forgot. Nah, I'd remember forgetting something that big.

Diane Chambers: It's impossible to escape the conclusion.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I found a way.


"Cheers: One for the Book (#1.11)" (1982)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You want a beer, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?
Carla Tortelli: There's a lady present, Norm.
Norm Peterson: [to Diane] Oh, sorry, Diane.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You know, I once thought of being a priest.
Kevin: Oh, you're religious?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, I thought it would a nice, kind of peaceful life, you know?
Kevin: [scoffs] Allow me to dispel your misconceptions.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [kneeling] Oh, thank you, father.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Loneliness is a good thing to share with somebody.


"Cheers: Snow Job (#2.18)" (1984)
Tommy: Here's your mail.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, thanks.
Tommy: I'm, uh, afraid they're all bills.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, good. I'll give them to Bill the moment he comes in.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [about being held back a grade at school] It's just as bad to skip a grade.
Carla Tortelli: You skipped a grade, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah. I skipped four. High school I think they called it.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What's shakin', Norm?
Norm Peterson: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.


"Cheers: Truce or Consequences (#1.8)" (1982)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to everyone in the bar] Who needs a ride home?
[there is no response]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Come on, who needs a ride home?
Jack: I guess we're all sober enough to drive ourselves home tonight, Coach.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, looks like you get to go straight home for a change.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I've never driven straight home alone. I wouldn't know how to do it.
Norm Peterson: OK Coach, you can take me.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, what a prince.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Thanks Norm. I owe you one.
Norm Peterson: Anytime.
Cliff Clavin: Good night, Norm.
Norm Peterson: 'night.
Norm Peterson: [to Coach] Just drop me off at Kenmore Square. I can catch a cab from there to take me back here to my car.

[Diane is furious with Carla and needs to release some emotion]
Diane Chambers: Coach, what do you do when you are so furious that you have to do something?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I know you think it's a little crazy, but I bang my head on the bar.
Diane Chambers: Doesn't sound crazy to me. It might do me a lot of good right now.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, OK.
[Coach proceeds to bang his head on the bar]

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: How's it going, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Daddy's rich and mama's good looking.


"Cheers: Rebound: Part 1 (#3.1)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [Cliff, annoyed with The Coach, grabs his tie, places it in the blender and turns the blender on. The Coach turns off the blender, takes his tie out and holds it up.] Anybody want a mai tai?

Diane Chambers: [a knock on Diane's apartment door] Who is it?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's Ernie, Pantusso.
Diane Chambers: Coach? What do you want?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Diane, I have to talk to you. It's important.
Diane Chambers: Coach, you're a dear man, and I love you, and I've missed you, but you're part of a period of my life that I want to see fade into memory. Do you understand Coach?
[pause]
Diane Chambers: Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [long pause] Western Union.

Norm Peterson: Coach, you've had kids. Does a baby change you?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Are you kidding Normie, it can't even change itself.


"Cheers: They Called Me Mayday (#2.9)" (1983)
Sam Malone: I wrote pretty good in high school.
Diane Chambers: You didn't write pretty good. You wrote pretty well.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Norm] Gee, I wish she'd make up her mind.
Sam Malone: [to Diane] Whoa, wait a sec here. Listen, I got an idea. You're a pretty g... well writer.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I just came back from doing some laps in the pool.
Carla Tortelli: How many of them?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Huh? Three. Takes about an hour.
Cliff Clavin: Hey Coach, that's kind of slow, isn't it?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I could run a hell of a lot faster if they got the water out of there.

Diane Chambers: [seeing Dick Cavett enter the bar] Coach, do you know who that is?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Who, the guy with Dick Cavett?


"Cheers: Diane Meets Mom (#3.8)" (1984)
Phil Ryan: [walks into the bar toward Coach] Hello.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, hi. What can I get you?
Phil Ryan: I'm a phone company repairman.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [sticks out his hand to shake Phil's] Oh, I'm a bartender, Ernie Pantusso.
[they shake hands]
Phil Ryan: Phil Ryan. I got a call to come down here.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, there must be some mistake, Phil. I, I, I didn't call for any repairman.
Carla Tortelli: I think Sam put in a call, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: He did?
Carla Tortelli: Uh-huh.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, that's strange. He didn't say anything to me about it. I better give him a call and find out what this is all about.
[picks up the phone and starts to dial. finds out the phone isn't working]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Bum luck, Phil. The phone's out.
[Phil looks at Carla, confused about The Coach]
Carla Tortelli: [to Phil about The Coach] Give him a couple of seconds.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [long pause] Say, Phil, uh, I hate to impose on you but since they got you down here on this wild goose chase, would you mind taking a look at the phone?
Phil Ryan: Sure.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Thank you.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Carla quietly] Lucky thing he happened by here, huh Carla?
Carla Tortelli: Sometimes fate takes a hand, Coach.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What would you say to a nice beer, Norm?
Norm Peterson: "Going down?"

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What's up, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Everything that's supposed to be.


"Cheers: Norman's Conquest (#2.20)" (1984)
Carla Tortelli: [to Norm, about having sex with a client] Norman, I think that you better give the lady what she wants. She is a client. If you don't come across, she's going to drop you like a bad habit.
Diane Chambers: Norman, has it come to this? Are you going to sell your virtue to the first person who buys you a drink in a bar? If you were a woman, I think we'd have a name for you.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I kinda like Becky. I realize Norma is closer, you only have to add "U" "H".

[Norm enters the bar with an attractive ladyfriend]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Normie, Normie! Could this be Vera?
Norm Peterson: Well, with a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.


"Cheers: Diane's Perfect Date (#1.17)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: Walter happens to be a distinguished geneticist.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, he studies Jeanettes.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Beer, Norm?
Norm Peterson: That's that sudsy amber stuff, right?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, I've being hearing good things about it.


"Cheers: Teacher's Pet (#3.16)" (1985)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [about Sam] No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.
Diane Chambers: Miss Purdy?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah, our beautiful school teacher.
Diane Chambers: And Sam is her favorite?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I can't say that, but Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
Diane Chambers: They kissed?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah, I saw them smooching in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
Diane Chambers: With probing tongues?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No Diane, with a thumb tack and my thumb.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [singing to the tune of "When the Saints Go Marching In"] Albania! Albania! You border on the Adriatic, your land is mostly mountainous and your chief export is chrome!


"Cheers: Fortune and Men's Weight (#2.17)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: How does a beer sound, Norm?
Norm Peterson: I don't know Coach. I usually finish 'em before they get a word in.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What's your most troublesome problem?
Norm Peterson: Ah, that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see. I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. Guess my biggest problem is I've never been happier.


"Cheers: Cheerio, Cheers (#3.22)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: You know, this morning I was thinking I'm not married, I'm carrying my sixth kid, I'm broke, I live in squalor. I'm having a crisis of faith.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, come on, Carla, don't talk like that.
Carla Tortelli: Well, would a just God be putting me through this, Coach?
Cliff Clavin: Well, Carla, I know it looks sort of bleak out there. But, uh, you just have to have patience. Remember Job.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Cliffie's right, honey. You got a good "jobe" here. You're in great health.
Carla Tortelli: I don't know.
[Carla walks away]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Cliff, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of Carla, but you pronounce the word "job".

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Carla, what are you looking for, a sign from God? Religious belief is based on faith.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, well, I never thought I'd say this, Coach, but I think I've lost faith.
Sam Malone: [entering from his office] Hey, listen up, everybody. I have an announcement to make. Diane here is leaving for Europe, and she's... she's not going to be back to Cheers ever.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Aww...
[Carla falls to her knees and clasps her hands together]
Carla Tortelli: [singing] I believe, for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. I believe that somewhere in the darkest night, a candle glows.


"Cheers: Manager Coach (#2.8)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to his children's baseball team] Nobody's quitting.
Tank: Well, I am! I can't take it anymore. You're too hard on me. I can't sleep. My pets hate me. I'm starting to smoke again.

[one of Coach's Little Leaguers has pinched Diane's rear]
Sam Malone: You're gonna kick him off the team just for that one little incident?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, Sam, that's not the only reason. He's leading the league in errors. The only thing he's had his hands on all week is Diane's keister.


"Cheers: Affairs of the Heart (#2.6)" (1983)
Sam Malone: Lefty had a heart problem.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: That's it. Hank has the same thing. I mean, the least bit of excitement - wham, bam, he's curtains.
Diane Chambers: Coach, how about sex?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Diane, please! I thought you were Sam's girl?
Diane Chambers: Coach, I'm talking about Hank.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Hank is seeing Carla.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Sam] Are you listening to this?

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: How's life, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Ask the man who's got one.
[Coach serves Norm a beer]
Norm Peterson: Ahh, here's mine now.


"Cheers: Sam Turns the Other Cheek (#3.5)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: [about Sam's story] Coach, I think there's something rotten in the State of Denmark.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's all that cheese.

Carla Tortelli: What a night! Two hundred bucks in tips.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What are you going to do with all that money, Carla?
Carla Tortelli: I'm going to spend it all on my kids.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Good girl.
Carla Tortelli: How many gunney sacks and one-way tickets do you think it'll buy?


"Cheers: Old Flames (#2.7)" (1983)
Sam Malone: Coach, I'm having blackouts.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's kind of a nice break in the day, isn't it Sam?

Carla Tortelli: Hey, Coach. Will you take me home?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: OK Carla.
Carla Tortelli: You know Coach, every night you walk out of here and you forget your keys. You got 'em this time?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's OK Carla. I got it all figured out. I left 'em in the car.
Carla Tortelli: Aren't you afraid someone's going to steal it?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I locked the doors.
Carla Tortelli: How are you going to get in without your keys?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I made a duplicate set.
Carla Tortelli: Where are they, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [realizing that he left them behind the bar] Holy mackerel.
[the Coach gets the keys from Sam]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [walking out the door] Carla, we'd better make it scramble. It looks like it's going to rain. Come on, I left the windows open.


"Cheers: Show Down: Part 1 (#1.21)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [Sam's brother is coming to visit] Let me do it. I'm a smoothie about breaking bad news.
[Coach goes over to Sam's office door and knocks]
Sam Malone: Yeah?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, your apartment burned down. You lost everything.
Sam Malone: Oh, my god. Really?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, no, no. Your brother's in town. He's on his way over. Makes you feel better, doesn't it?
Sam Malone: I hate it when you do that, Coach.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, a nuclear bomb just got Boston.
Sam Malone: What?
[Sam and Diane exchange glances]
Diane Chambers, Sam Malone: Derek's here.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: They're catching on.


"Cheers: Coach in Love: Part 1 (#3.6)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Normie, Normie, how did you propose to Vera?
Norm Peterson: Well, I ah, you know something? I don't think I did. Do you think there could be a loophole in this terrible tragedy?
Cliff Clavin: No, not if you consumated it.
Norm Peterson: Egad, why couldn't we have had this conversation yesterday?!

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What I want to say is... uh wait a minute.
[pulls a piece of paper out of his breast pocket and starts to read]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Irene, I'm not a rich man, I'm not a young man, I'm not a handsome man, I'm not a tall man, I'm not a strong man, I'm not a talented man, I'm not a well travelled man, I'm not a smart man, I'm not a milk man, I'm not a fat man, I'm not a gingerbread man, I'm not a...
Irene Blanchard: What are you trying to say?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Ah, I don't need a piece of paper to tell you what my feelings are.
[crumples up the paper and throws it on the floor]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Irene, uh. Well, maybe I do.
[picks up the paper and uncrumples it and starts to read]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Uh, ah, Irene, I'm not a rich man, I'm not a young man...


"Cheers: Any Friend of Diane's (#1.6)" (1982)
Rebecca Prout: Pardon me.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, hi.
Rebecca Prout: I'm looking for a Diane Chambers.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Ah, you're in luck. We got a Diane Chambers.
Rebecca Prout: I beg your pardon?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I hope you only want one.
Rebecca Prout: Do you sense, as I do, that this conversation is an exercise in futility?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Thank you very much.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Like he caught me in bed with his wife.


"Cheers: Sumner's Return (#2.5)" (1983)
Prof. Sumner Sloan: [about himself and Diane] Over dinner last night, a mutual friend of ours informed me that Diane works here. Is that correct?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, I don't know. I wasn't at the dinner.

Carla Tortelli: [to Sumner] You slime. You are a total scuzzball. You're not fit to live with sewer rats.
Prof. Sumner Sloan: I can't defend myself.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: God, I thought she was talking to me.


"Cheers: Now Pitching, Sam Malone (#1.13)" (1983)
[the gang are talking about predicting who the next president will be]
Cliff Clavin: I've got a pet little theory about that. You see, if you go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected.
Paul: So who's going to win, Cliff? Reagan again?
Norm Peterson: What, Mondale?
Cliff Clavin: No, no, not a chance. You see, I figured it out. By my calculations, the next president has to be named Yelnik McWawa.
Sam Malone: That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, please. You're talking about our next president.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Beer, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Nah, I'd only drink it.


"Cheers: The Mail Goes to Jail (#3.17)" (1985)
Cliff Clavin: All right, look, I'll call and see what the penalty is, but's it got to be anonymous.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to everyone in the bar] OK, everybody in favor of Cliff calling, raise your hand.
[everyone in the bar raises his/her hand]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's anonymous.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm Peterson: "Daddy wuvs you."


"Cheers: The Coach's Daughter (#1.5)" (1982)
Lisa Pantusso: Look, Daddy. I'm not dumb. I know Roy's abrasive. I know he's insensitive, and I know he's probably only marrying me so he can get the Pennsylvania territory.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Why would you want to marry a man like this?
Lisa Pantusso: Isn't it obvious to you?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Nothing's ever obvious to me.
Lisa Pantusso: Daddy, don't make me say this.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What, what?
Lisa Pantusso: I want to be married and I want to have children. Roy is the first man that ever asked me to marry him, and I'm afraid he's going to be the last.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, come on honey. There must have been dozens of young fellas that proposed to you.
Lisa Pantusso: No, Daddy. Wake up. Roy is the first one, ever.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: But you're so beautiful, so...
Lisa Pantusso: Beautiful? Daddy, you have been saying that I'm beautiful ever since I was a very little girl. But look at me, not as my father, but like you were looking at me for the first time and please, try to see me as I really am.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [after looking deep into Lisa's eyes] Oh my God, I, I didn't realize how much you look like your mother.
Lisa Pantusso: I know. I look exactly like her, and mom was not b...
[Lisa pauses to reflect]
Lisa Pantusso: ...comfortable about her beauty.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.
Lisa Pantusso: She was really beautiful.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yes, and so are you. You're the most beautiful kid in the whole world.
Lisa Pantusso: Thanks, Daddy.


"Cheers: Sam's Women (#1.2)" (1982)
Sam Malone: What's your name?
Brandee: Brandee - with two E's.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Brandee with two E's?
[Brandee nods positively]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [reading the liquor bottle in his hands] Big company like this, they spell it wrong.


"Cheers: Personal Business (#2.3)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [after Diane asks him to give a reference to her next employer] I will tell him you are the best cocktail waitress I have ever seen in my entire life. And then I'll tell him I'd like to sell him some land in Florida that I own.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No kidding! Where is it? We might be neighbors.


"Cheers: Rebound: Part 2 (#3.2)" (1984)
Julie: [pointing in Diane's direction] Hey Coach, who's Miss God's-Gift-to-the-World?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, I didn't see the show this year, honey. I think Miss Kansas won.


"Cheers: Little Sister, Don't Cha (#2.2)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [poking his head into Sam's office] Sam, telephone call.
[Coach turns and sees Sam on the couch with Annette all over him]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I'll just tell them you're breaking in a new waitress.


"Cheers: Sam at Eleven (#1.4)" (1982)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: How's life treating you?
Norm Peterson: Like I just ran over its dog.


"Cheers: How Do I Love Thee?... Let Me Call You Back (#2.10)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I got a great idea, right? I'll think of number from one and ten. Who comes closest gets to go with Sam.
Norm Peterson: Fair enough.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Fair enough?
Norm Peterson: OK.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: OK? Normie?
Norm Peterson: Uh, seven.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Carla?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Nine.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: Two.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I'll say three.
Cliff Clavin: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Uh, Coach, Coach, you can't say anything. You know what it is.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I know. It's six.
Norm Peterson: Why did you say three?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Three's my lucky number.


"Cheers: Coach Buries a Grudge (#2.19)" (1984)
Tom: Let's hang him in effigy.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: To hell with that. Let's hang him right here in Boston.


"Cheers: Let Me Count the Ways (#1.14)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What's doing, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig.


"Cheers: Homicidal Ham (#2.4)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: I happen to know Professor Sebastian DeWitt, one of America's foremost drama coaches. He can spot an actor a mile away.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Boy, that could come in handy at a drive-in.


"Cheers: Fairy Tales Can Come True (#3.4)" (1984)
Alan: [about Cliff] Sorry Sam, but you gotta admit it's a little bit weird, isn't it? I mean, he's never been married, I've never even seen him with a woman.
Steve: Hey Norm, Norm, he's your best friend, is he gay or what?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I can't believe what I'm hearing. You can't tell a gay guy by his appearance. We had an outfielder on the Red Sox, Duke Roberts. I mean he never got married, he never went with girls, he even wore those fancy Italian shoes, and he lived with a guy who was a florist. And Duke wasn't gay.
Sam Malone: Yes he was, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: He was?
[Sam nods affirmatively]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Do you think he'd like to meet Cliffy?


"Cheers: Battle of the Exes (#2.13)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Diane, if you're looking for a place to stay, there's a lovely little inn up in Vermont my wife and I used to drive to all the time.
Diane Chambers: What inn?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: In our station wagon.


"Cheers: Endless Slumper (#1.10)" (1982)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What's the story, Norm?
Norm: A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.


"Cheers: Whodunit? (#3.13)" (1985)
Sam Malone: What seems to be the problem here, folks?
Frasier Crane: Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner, and in the intervening hours it has been encrusted on his tie.
Cliff Clavin: Oh what, you can take Norm's tie here, put it in a kettle and make soup. Incidently, it's a little known fact that the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib, you know, to wipe your chin.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean they're thinking of changing that?
Sam Malone: Why don't you just tell the guy that he's got a spot?
Frasier Crane: [mockingly] Gee, that's an idea. Why didn't we just come to Sam in the first place? Sam, you just don't say, "there's a spot on your tie" to a man the stature of Dr. Bennett Ludlow.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: THE Bennett Ludlow?
Diane Chambers: You've heard of him, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No.
Frasier Crane: Coach, he's only one of the true giants of psychiatry: author, innovator, educator and I'm not ashamed to say my idol and inspiration.
Norm Peterson: All right, you lean over, you pretend you're admiring his tie tack, and then just nibble the morsel off really quick. Who's the wiser?!
Diane Chambers: Sam is right. We have to tell him.
Frasier Crane: Of course you're right. Oh Sam, may we have three brandies please. And I guess I'm the one who should tell him. After all, I'm the one who suggested beef wellington.
Norm Peterson: Beef wellington, you say?!
[makes a motion toward Bennett Ludlow]
Norm Peterson: Where's that tie?!
Frasier Crane: Just have to find a way to tell him as subtle and tactful a way that will allow him to preserve his dignity.
[meanwhile Carla approaches Bennett Ludlow's table]
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Pigpen. What's that thing?
[points at the crumb on his tie]
Carla Tortelli: What are you trying, to catch pidgeons? Ew.
[picks the crumb off his tie]
Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Thank you very much.
Carla Tortelli: Ah, don't mention it. I like a man who wears his dinner with pride.


"Cheers: Show Down: Part 2 (#1.22)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: Coach, do you think I'm a smart person?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You're the smartest person I ever met.
Diane Chambers: Well I, Diane Chambers, bred and educated to walk with kings, once offered a full scholarship at the Sorbonne, have allowed myself to become attracted to a six foot three inch bubble gum card.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well gee, I think I can help you with the sore buns, Diane, but the rest of what you say is all over my head.


"Cheers: Power Play (#2.1)" (1983)
Cliff Clavin: Well, you know, millions believe in reincarnation.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean, like when you come back as a chicken?
Cliff Clavin: Well, not necessarily as a chicken, Coach. The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends on your behavior in this life. You know, if you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Like Colorado.


"Cheers: No Contest (#1.18)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What can I get for you, Norm?
Norm: Well, I am gonna need something to kill time before my second beer. Uhh... how about a first one?


"Cheers: I'll Be Seeing You: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, you don't trust Diane very much, huh?
Sam Malone: Coach, it's gotten to a point where I can't trust a thing that woman says.
Norm Peterson: I know what you mean, Sam. Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them anymore.


"Cheers: Friends, Romans, and Accountants (#1.7)" (1982)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: How's life, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Not for the squeamish, Coach.


"Cheers: The Heart Is a Lonely Snipehunter (#3.14)" (1985)
[Coach's cigar is stinking up the bar]
Sam Malone: Ooh, boy. Is someone boiling tar in here?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, Sam, I'm smoking my cigar.
Sam Malone: Would someone please boil some tar in here?


"Cheers: And Coachie Makes Three (#2.15)" (1984)
[Sam is in Diane's apartment. There's a knock on the door]
Sam Malone: Who's there?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Me. Who's there?
Sam Malone: Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No. I'm Coach.