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Norm Peterson (Character)
from "Cheers" (1982)
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"Cheers: Peterson Crusoe (#3.11)" (1984)
Norm Peterson: [about a spot found on his chest x-ray] Ever since I heard this news, all I can think of is how I may be coming to the end of my life with nothing to show for it.Diane Chambers: Well, you've got all of us, your friends. And we're going to be with you, all the way through this.
Sam Malone: You bet.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean we're going to have to have the surgery and everything, Diane? I'm not saying I won't do it.
Diane Chambers: I'll explain it later, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Everybody says, "I'll explain it later".
Norm Peterson: A flaw on the x-ray.
[everyone breathes a sigh of relief for Norm]
Cliff Clavin: Oh, let me buy you a drink, Normie.
Norm Peterson: No, no, no, no, not right now, Cliff. Right now I think I'm going to take a little walk with a gentleman I haven't been paying a whole lot of attention to lately: Norm Peterson.
Diane Chambers: I think I understand.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I don't, but I'm sure you'll tell me later.
[Norm is about ready to head off for good to Bora Bora]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Goodbye Normie.
Norm Peterson: Goodbye Coach.
[they give each other a big hug]
Cliff Clavin: Coach, Coach, you're going to feel pretty silly when he pulls the plug on this gag, you wait and see.
Norm Peterson: You understand, don't you Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, Normie, but they'll tell me later.
Diane Chambers: [about Norm wanting to go to Bora Bora in a cargo ship] Norman, wait a minute. What about a passport? What about shots?
Norm Peterson: I already have my passport. And believe it or not, you don't need any shots for Bora Bora. There isn't any disease there.
Carla Tortelli: Lunacy is on its way.
Cliff Clavin: [through a closed door] Normie, it's your best buddy.
Norm Peterson: Go away Frank.
"Cheers: Get Your Kicks on Route 666 (#10.2)" (1991)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about Frasier, Sam, Norm and Cliff taking a road trip] We're all dropping our inhibitions, we're going to go out and find our manhood on the open road.Sam Malone: Yeah, like men.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, like men, we be.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Real men.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, like those chicks on Thelma and Louise.
[the guys are talking about the last time they cried]
Norm Peterson: There was one time, uh, we thought Vera was pregnant, and it turns out she wasn't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, Norm.
Cliff Clavin: You never told me that, buddy.
Norm Peterson: Well, turns out she was lying. She didn't tell me until after the wedding. I must have cried for a week.
Cliff Clavin: Here we are wasting away in the desert. I never pictured that the four of us would go out like this.
Norm Peterson: How did you picture it, Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: Well, pictured Sammy getting topped by a jealous husband. Norm, I figured, you, you know... heart attack. Frasier here...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Cliff, I don't want to hear.
Cliff Clavin: You bet you don't.
Rebecca Howe: Look guys. Postcards from Woody.
Sam Malone: [excitedly] Hey, all right.
[Rebecca hands a postcard to each of Sam, Norm and Cliff]
Rebecca Howe: Listen to mine. "Dear Miss Howe. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." What does yours say, Sam?
Sam Malone: "Dear Sam. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody."
Norm Peterson: [reading his postcard under his breath but audibly] "...having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: "Dear Mr. Clavin. I'm having a great time on vacation. Love, Woody."
"Cheers: Sam Turns the Other Cheek (#3.5)" (1984)
Sam Malone: [Sam and his latest girlfriend, Maxine, come out of the office arm in arm] Oh, sorry it has to be like this.Maxine: [sobbing uncontrollably] Why?
Norm Peterson: Back up the garbage truck, Cliffy. Entering dump city.
Diane Chambers: [to Sam, about dating married women] Well, it's refreshing to know you draw the line somewhere.
Sam Malone: Hey, hey, I draw lot's of lines. As a matter of fact, there are three categories of women I never get involved with: married, underage and comatose.
Norm Peterson: He's added one.
Norm Peterson: [about dumping girlfriend Maxine] Now you want to tell me what was wrong with that one, Sammy? She looked perfect to me. Body was a 10.
Cliff Clavin: So was her face.
Diane Chambers: So was her IQ.
Carla Tortelli: I am never going to be afraid to go to the dentist again. I found a way to communicate with him.
Norm Peterson: How was that?
Carla Tortelli: Well, as he leaned in with his drill, I grabbed him where I knew I could get his attention, and I said, "We're not going to hurt each other, are we."
Diane Chambers: Carla, did that work?
Carla Tortelli: We're having a late dinner.
"Cheers: It's a Wonderful Wife (#9.19)" (1991)
Norm Peterson: Oh, Rebecca, there you are. I've been looking everywhere for you.Rebecca Howe: What are you talking about? You're just sitting there on your bar stool.
Norm Peterson: I know. This is where I look from.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Guys love dirty pictures of their babes. Hey, Nick always used to take them of me, until one time I smashed his camera and broke his nose.
Norm Peterson: What, you got in a fight, huh?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, fell off the monkey bars.
Sam Malone: Cheers wouldn't be Cheers without you. You're the reason why people come here.
Norm Peterson: Oh, what people?
Sam Malone: Well, uh, delivery men for one.
Norm Peterson: Hey, do you want to tell me why you fired Vera.
John Allen Hill: Who are you?
Norm Peterson: I'm her husband, Norm.
John Allen Hill: Oh, yes, I didn't recognize you without a bar growing out of your chest.
"Cheers: Cry Harder (#8.26)" (1990)
Frasier: Well, it's always good to see justice done, but I have to tell you, I hate to think of that poor man in prison. Those wretched places are filled with the worst degenerates, the most worthless dirty scum ever on this planet.Norm: Frase, why would you say that?
Frasier: Well, I was a prison counselor. You know, very often, I was their only friend.
Rebecca: Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be without Vera for twenty years?
Norm: Oh my God.
Rebecca: You see. You'd miss Vera.
Norm: Oh, I thought you said beer.
Jim Montgomery: [talking for the Lily Corporation Board of Directors] We know you've been trying to buy back this bar for some time now, and we've decided as a token of our gratitude, the least we can do is sell it to you at a reduced price.
Sam: You're kidding. How much?
Jim Montgomery: One dollar. Take it or leave it.
Sam: This bar? I give you a dollar and this bar is mine?
Jim Montgomery: That's right, Mr. Malone. Nice catch.
Sam: I can't believe this, this bar is mine, all I have to do is give you a doll...
[Sam looks into his empty wallet]
Sam: Oh, sh, shoot, shoot...
Sam: [to Norm and Frasier] Hey, give me a dollar, huh.
Norm: I'm all tapped out, Sam.
[Frasier shrugs]
Sam: Hey, anybody, pl... Hey Woody, give me a dollar, man.
Woody: Hey, you already owe me a dollar, Sam.
Carla: Sam, I got a quarter.
Cliff: Oh, hey Sammy, here's a dime.
Pete: Here's four bits.
Sam: Right. I, uh, OK I got eighty-five cents here.
Jim Montgomery: I'll take it.
Sam: Hey, guys. I low-balled him.
"Cheers: Thanksgiving Orphans (#5.9)" (1986)
Norm Peterson: Guys, listen. I'm having a slight problem with the damn bird.Diane: What color is it now, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Well, I think we're moving into the earth tones.
Norm Peterson: I think something's wrong with your oven, Carla.
Carla: Hey, my oven was just fine until you stuffed Birdzilla in it!
Norm Peterson: Everybody get enough to eat?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I never had a chance to try the potatoes.
Sam Malone: [scooping mashed potatoes off the mantelpiece onto Frasier's plate] Oh, well here, let me...
"Cheers: Norm's Big Audit (#11.13)" (1993)
Norm Peterson: Hey Cliffy. Whatcha doing?Cliff Clavin: I'm filling out an application for the Boston Marathon. It's something I do every year.
Norm Peterson: What, you mean you run in the Boston Marathon?
Cliff Clavin: No, no, I just get the free T-shirt. It impresses the girls down in the gym.
Norm Peterson: Ah. Wait, wait, wait. You work out in a gym?
Cliff Clavin: Nah. I just hang out in front with the T-shirt.
[after Dot Carroll, the IRS auditor, threatens Norm with fraud, he starts flirting with her]
Dot Carroll: I think I know what's going on here, Mr. Peterson.
Norm Peterson: What?
Dot Carroll: [angrily] I wasn't born yesterday. I know when someone's making a pass at me. And let me tell you this Buster, you're coming on to an official of the United States government, an auditor for the Internal Revenue Service. This meeting is over... Stud! We'll continue this audit in my hotel room, Ritz-Carlton room 147. Meet me there tonight. And PS: I play rough.
Norm Peterson: [to Dot about her chain smoking] And while we're at it, you could cut back to three or four packs a day.
Dot Carroll: I do it to stay thin - you want one?
"Cheers: The Two Faces of Norm (#8.5)" (1989)
Woody Boyd: Hey Mr. Peterson. Got room for a beer?Norm Peterson: Nope, but I am willing to add on.
Norm Peterson: [about his alter ego, Anton Kreitzer] Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, come on now, I'm not Kreitzer, I'm Norm Peterson. I swear to God, I can prove it to you. Watch this.
[yells to everyone in the bar]
Norm Peterson: Afternoon everyone.
Everybody in the Bar: Anton!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Norm! I think there's a lesson to be learned here. You alowed the evil side of your nature to rise up and now threaten to destroy everything you built. Let it go no further. Time has come to reject your darker self.
Norm Peterson: Thank you Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Cheers: Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? (#10.8)" (1991)
Sam Malone: I got you a very, very special gift, my friend.Norm Peterson: More special than a free beer?
Sam Malone: Yeah, come here.
Norm Peterson: Is it a keg and a snorkel?
Norm Peterson: What a birthday, huh? A free beer, a Celtics jacket from Kevin McHale, and Sammy wiping out my bar tab.
Sam Malone: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't say anything about wiping out a bar tab.
Norm Peterson: [with mock sarcasm] Well, happy birthday to me.
Cliff Clavin: Normie.
Norm Peterson: Yeah?
Cliff Clavin: Even though I chipped in for the beer with the guys, I also got you a special little gift.
Norm Peterson: Oh yeah. What's that?
Cliff Clavin: Well, I did some research on the historical significance of birthdays - uncovered a lot of interesting facts, and, uh... I'm not going to share them with you. Happy birthday, big guy!
"Cheers: Where Nobody Knows Your Name (#9.4)" (1990)
Cliff Clavin: Anyone seen my gum? I left it around here somewhere.Norm Peterson: What did you take your gum out for?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, give my mouth a rest.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [starts writing in his book] Dear Diary, today it finally happened...
Rebecca Howe: [about Robin's old girlfriend Jeanne-Marie] The nerve of that cheap slut, pretending like Robin turned himself in for her.
Norm Peterson: Don't worry, Rebecca. Your friends know who the real cheap slut is.
Rebecca Howe: I mean the only thing that really does matter is that I am Robin's true love. It actually makes it more romantic because we're the only ones who know.
Norm Peterson: Except for us.
Woody Boyd: And I kind of told my Mom in Hanover.
Rebecca Howe: You know what I mean. It's sort of like a secret Valentine between me and Robin.
Norm Peterson: ...and us.
Woody Boyd: ...and my Mom.
Rebecca Howe: Woody, who cares if your Mother knows? I mean, who is she going to tell?
Woody Boyd: Are you serious? She has choir practice tonight. Once she gets a cup of coffee in her, those old biddies will bleed it out of her. For a moist crumb cake, she'll tell anybody why you never see Uncle Willie and Aunt May in the same room at the same time.
Norm Peterson: Why, why would that be, Wood?
Woody Boyd: I don't see any crumb cake.
"Cheers: Grease (#9.6)" (1990)
Woody Boyd: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?Norm Peterson: Pretty nervous when I'm in the room.
Sam Malone: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Beats me... then he kicks me, and then leaves me for dead.
Norm Peterson: I love the Heifer. I don't know what I'm going to do without that place. It was like my home away from Cheers.
"Cheers: The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover (#11.17)" (1993)
Sam Malone: Did you hear that everybody? Frasier and Lilith are back together again. Oh, that makes me so happy. Here, free drinks on the house.[Sam pours a mug of beer and hands it to an excited Norm]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Just a minute, Sam. I haven't taken her back.
Woody Boyd: [as he grabs the beer from Norm's hands] Ah, sorry, Mr. Peterson.
Norm Peterson: [to Frasier and Lilith] Wait, wait, come on now, now... You two kids belong together. Come on.
Dr. Frasier Crane: The unmitigated gall. You think you can walk back into my life and patch it up again as quickly as you destroyed it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I'm sorry.
Norm Peterson: All right, she's sorry. Beers for everybody, come on.
[the gang at the bar are being held hostage by a crazed gunman when Vera telephones Cheers]
Norm Peterson: [over the telephone] Ah, Vera... Hello, yes, yes, I know it's late. You see, we're being held hostage by a mad gunman, and... What do you mean I've used that one before?
[the gang at the bar are plotting how to escape from a mad gunman holding them hostage]
Cliff Clavin: Ah, I got it. How about I sob uncontrollably and lose control of my bodily functions?
Norm Peterson: Cliff, is that a plan?
Cliff Clavin: No, actually it's more of a warning.
"Cheers: I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday (#4.6)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: Sorry guys, I'm a little distracted tonight.Norm Peterson: Oh yeah, you got some problems Diane, or just the usual?
Diane Chambers: What do you mean 'the usual'?
Norm Peterson: Ah, you know, just how you usually are?
Diane Chambers: How am I usually?
Norm Peterson: So you're distracted, huh?
Norm Peterson: Hey, you're always giving the Hungry Heifer a bad rap. I don't get it. So, I've had a few bad meals there, but it's the best value in town. Woody, their steaks come by the pound.
Woody Boyd: Boy, the steaks are that big?
Carla Tortelli: No, that's where they get them.
Norm Peterson: All right, I know you guys think Cliff is pretty weird, but I'll say this much for him: he'll probably never reproduce.
"Cheers: The Godfather: Part 3 (#5.22)" (1987)
Woody Boyd: Sam, beer distributor on the phone.Sam Malone: Tell him I'll call back.
Norm Peterson: Sammy? Hey? Hey? Where are your priorities? Come on.
[Sam gets up]
Sam Malone: You know, there are hundreds of good, solid reasons why you two should not get married.
Joyce Pantusso, Coach's Niece: Like?
Sam Malone: Like... Like I forbid you to, young lady.
Joyce Pantusso, Coach's Niece: Wait, you can't forbid me. You're not my father.
Sam Malone: All right, all right. Woody, I forbid you to marry Joyce.
Woody Boyd: Sam, you're only my boss.
Sam Malone: Damn it, I'm gonna fobid somebody somethin', I'll tell ya.
[Norm gets up]
Sam Malone: Norm, I forbid you to leave that stool.
Norm Peterson: Sorry, Sam, nature calls.
Sam Malone: Hey, hey! You go and you're cut off.
Norm Peterson: Whatever you say, Pop.
[Norm sits back down]
Norm Peterson: [Frasier walks in carrying a small box] Hey, Fras, thought you'd be out on the links by now.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It would be exceedingly difficult to tee off with this.
Cliff Clavin: What's that, Fras?
Dr. Frasier Crane: This is my extra-special gift from Lilith.
[Frasier dumps the contents on to the bar]
Carla Tortelli: It's a tie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and I hate it, it's ugly.
[Frasier grabs a fork and starts stabbing it]
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just a tie. An ordinary gray tie. I wanted golf clubs! It's not special! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
[Frasier throws the tie on the floor, stomps on it and then walks off]
Norm Peterson: Glad she didn't give him a puppy.
"Cheers: The King of Beers (#11.3)" (1992)
Norm Peterson: Listen, if you don't mind, right now I've been tasting beer all morning, OK, so I'm just going to take a break, change my clothes and go over to Cheers and hoist a few.Mike: [laughing] Whoa. You're kidding, right?
Norm Peterson: Yeah. These clothes'll be fine.
Norm Peterson: Rebecca, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason you always lose is because you think you're going to lose?
Rebecca Howe: Oh, don't give me that crap. I tried that positive thinking stuff, and I knew it wouldn't work, and sure enough, it didn't.
"Cheers: Sam's Women (#1.2)" (1982)
Sam Malone: Does anybody know any good movies?Norm Peterson: Yeah, what's the name of that new Australian film that's supposed to be so good?
Brandee: No, no Australian films. I hate subtitles.
Diane Chambers: This one's no problem - it's dubbed.
Diane Chambers: But tell me, once you've consumed as much sex for as long as you want it, what would you do then?
Norm Peterson: [long pause] I'd help the poor.
"Cheers: Little Sister, Don't Cha (#2.2)" (1983)
Norm Peterson: Cliff, Annette's not as innocent as you think she is.Cliff Clavin: What's that supposed to mean, Norm?
Norm Peterson: I mean, since she's been working here, she's been around... and around.
Cliff Clavin: What are you saying this for Norm? 'Cause you're jealous or something? 'Cause Annette and I are starting a new life together, and all the magic's gone out of your relationship?
Norm Peterson: More people have enjoyed Annette's magic than Doug Henning's.
Cliff Clavin: I've the best safety record in the branch, Coach. Never even been near an accident.
Paul: Not since you were born.
Cliff Clavin: Was that comment addressed to me, Paul?
Paul: Oh, no Cliff. If it were addressed to anybody, it'd probably get lost in the mail.
Cliff Clavin: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
Norm Peterson: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.
"Cheers: Diane's Perfect Date (#1.17)" (1983)
Norm Peterson: Ah, Sammy, watching you getting ready for a date is like watching a great matador prepare for a bullfight.Cliff Clavin: I hate that stuff. You know, who wants to see a guy go and manipulate and torment a poor, unthinking creature like that?
Sam Malone: Hey, I always buy 'em breakfast, don't I?
[Sam and Diane are arguing loudly in the bar]
Norm Peterson: Please, please. Do you think I behave like this in your home?
"Cheers: For Real Men Only (#8.8)" (1989)
Woody Boyd: It's a memory quilt that all the women in my family made for me when I graduated from high school.Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I've heard of these things. A bunch of women get together and embroider patches that string together the happy memories of a young man's life.
Cliff Clavin: So these women were authentic folk artists then, huh?
Woody Boyd: No, just bored housewives.
Woody Boyd: Hey, check this out. See this soft blue square here? This is a piece of my very first baby blanket.
Norm Peterson: Now, what do those little dots signify?
Woody Boyd: Oh, that represents my very first childhood disease: smallpox. I almost died.
Cliff Clavin: Uh, what's that long green thing there?
Woody Boyd: Oh, this is the bean stalk from my very first high school play. I fell off it during the first act, cracked two ribs and punctured a lung. I almost died.
Woody Boyd: Oh, this red patch here represents the big fire that burned down my house when I was six.
Norm Peterson: And what, you almost died?
Woody Boyd: No, I got out. And while I was running away, I fell in this well right here, and I almost...
[pauses]
Woody Boyd: Well, you know.
Cliff Clavin: [in comparison to a Jewish bris] The original rites of passage started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo.
Norm Peterson: Yeah?
Cliff Clavin: When the young jungle tribal lad was on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward and take out this large sharpened clam shell...
Sam Malone: Oh, no, no, no don't tell me...
Cliff Clavin: ...they would fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres...
Sam Malone: Oh.
Cliff Clavin: ...then they'd take these two big jagged rocks in there...
Norm Peterson: Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff...
Cliff Clavin: ...and bang them together to call in the tribes out of the hills, you know. Then the witch doctor stepped up with this long sharpened bamboo staff...
Sam Malone: Oh, here it comes.
Cliff Clavin: ...and shoved it into the ground, hung a flag on it and they danced around it, pretty much, until they dropped, really.
Sam Malone: Oh, wait... When do they circumcize the kid?
Cliff Clavin: What do you mean circumsize? There are no Jews in Borneo, you moolyak.
"Cheers: Knights of the Scimitar (#5.8)" (1986)
[Cliff has just joined the lodge The Knights of the Scimitar, and wants Sam, Norm and Woody to join as well, but says he can only ask one person at a time. None really want to, but also don't want to tell Cliff directly]Cliff Clavin: I figured out a fair way to do the choosing, OK? I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Whoever is the closest, wins. Norm, you first.
Norm Peterson: 2,000,012.
Sam Malone: 2,000,013.
Woody Boyd: 2,000,014.
Cliff Clavin: Well, the number was 4. Norm's closest with 2,000,012.
Woody Boyd: [mad] Darn, I was going to say 4. I should have stuck with my first instinct.
High Sultan: Are you married?
Norm Peterson: Yup.
High Sultan: To...?
Norm Peterson: Long.
"Cheers: Two Girls for Every Boyd (#8.9)" (1989)
[Norm gives Woody relationship advice while Carla answers the phone]Norm: Okay, what you should do is tell her the truth. Honesty is the cornerstone in any relationship.
Carla: Norm, it's Vera.
Norm: I'm not here.
Woody Boyd: Boy, this is a big night for me. Who wants to help me paint the town?
Norm Peterson, Cliff Clavin, Pete: Oh, hey, all right.
Norm Peterson: Oh, hey let's go.
Cliff Clavin: Hey, where we going Wood?
Woody Boyd: To the theater. I'm in charge of scenery and I've got to paint the town.
"Cheers: Fortune and Men's Weight (#2.17)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: How does a beer sound, Norm?Norm Peterson: I don't know Coach. I usually finish 'em before they get a word in.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What's your most troublesome problem?
Norm Peterson: Ah, that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see. I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. Guess my biggest problem is I've never been happier.
"Cheers: Norm's First Hurrah (#5.23)" (1987)
Norm Peterson: I'm going to pitch it to my supervisor tomorrow, but I tell you, I'm a little nervous about putting my butt on the line.Carla Tortelli: How do you think the line feels?
[after Thompkins steals Norm's proposal and the Board of Directors shoots it down]
Diane Chambers: Now now, Norman, you can't let this phase you. You have to keep pushing. I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.
Norm Peterson: No no, Diane, a few minutes ago, I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life and it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me. I am not a go-getter, I've never been a go-getter. What's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter. I'm very happy right where I am. I'm sick of all these people saying "Peterson, you gotta push", "You gotta get ahead", "You gotta make that goal." I don't even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that, Diane. I'm very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.
Diane Chambers: Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned like this.
Norm Peterson: That's because I believe in this. I'll tell you something else, Norm Peterson may be a motionless lump, but he's a damn good one.
"Cheers: Feeble Attraction (#8.11)" (1989)
Woody Boyd: Hey Mr. Peterson. Jack Frost nipping at your nose?Norm Peterson: Yeah. Now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.
Norm Peterson: Anybody seen Doris around here?
Sam Malone: Oh, yeah, little gal with a Moe Howard haircut?
Norm Peterson: Oh, yeah.
Sam Malone: I thought you got rid of her.
Norm Peterson: Gee Sammy, I'm trying to. I can't shake the girl. I mean, I come in Cheers, she's here. I go upstairs to go plug the parking meter, she's there. I come back in Cheers, she's here. Sammy, it's like somehow she's figured out my whole routine.
Doris: [enters the bar] Oh, oh Mr. Peterson. Somehow I knew I'd find you here when you weren't at the parking meter. Could I warm up your seat for you?
Norm Peterson: It's OK, Doris. It's never cold.
Doris: [to another customer] I love that about him.
"Cheers: Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman (#11.5)" (1992)
[Andy Schroeder, the murderer who once dated Diane, comes into the bar with dynamite strapped to his body]Rebecca Howe: [gasps in fright as she sees Andy] Oh my God.
Norm Peterson: Hey, it's Andy Andy.
Rebecca Howe: What, you know this person?
Cliff Clavin: [matter of factly] Yeah. Former major felon. Once killed a waitress.
Andy Schroeder: [yells] Where's Diane. I demand to see Diane.
Woody Boyd: Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here in five or six years.
Andy Schroeder: [surprised] Oh, really? Well... OK.
[Andy walks out of the bar as plainly as he came in]
Cliff Clavin: I didn't tell you guys 'cause I didn't want you to think any less of me.
Norm Peterson: I don't think that's possible, Cliff.
"Cheers: Behind Every Great Man (#3.19)" (1985)
[Norm and Cliff walk into the bar]Norm Peterson: Afternoon everybody.
Everyone in the Bar: [loudly] Norm!
Cliff Clavin: Afternoon everybody.
[dead silence]
Norm Peterson: [about his and Cliff's meal at The Hungry Heifer] Yeah, Cliffy had himself the tunnel T-bone. For less than four bucks, you get 24 ounces of USDA choice US bef.
Cliff Clavin: Bef? You mean beef.
Norm Peterson: Beef? Don't be ridiculous Cliffy, that stuff is bef. You see, it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic, what... , meat-like substance.
Cliff Clavin: Ohh, Norm.
Norm Peterson: What do expect for four bucks? Do you hear me complain about the loobster?
"Cheers: Call Me, Irresponsible (#7.20)" (1989)
Cliff Clavin: All right, I got it, I got it. The worst possible way to die: to be eaten alive by rats.Norm Peterson: Naw, I think I can do better than that. I'd say the worst way to die is to be sliding down a razor banister, OK? A greased razor banister.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Wait, I've got it. To die alone, knowing that you have never been loved.
Norm Peterson: Come on Frasier, if you're not even going to try...
[Carla has received a bouquet of roses, supposedly from Eddie]
Rebecca Howe: Oh, why can't more men send flowers?
Sam Malone: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
Rebecca Howe: I said "more men", not "Mormons".
Sam Malone: I know they can't dance.
Norm Peterson: No Sammy, that's the, ah, that's the Amish.
Sam Malone: Why can't Mormon's send flowers?
Rebecca Howe: They can.
Sam Malone: What are you talking about?
Rebecca Howe: I just wish some one would send me some damn roses.
Sam Malone: Why does it have to be a Mormon?
Rebecca Howe: [exasperated] Oh!
Sam Malone: Some people you just can't discuss religion.
"Cheers: Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh (#8.21)" (1990)
Sam Malone: What are you up to Norm?Norm Peterson: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
Norm Peterson: Gary's smarter than that. He know we'd be on the look out for a stranger, so he'd plant somebody we do know.
Sam Malone: Yeah. Probably try to turn one of our own against us. So the idea is, who do we suspect the least?
[the gang at the bar ponder the question]
Woody Boyd: I think it's me.
"Cheers: The Bar Stoolie (#4.10)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Cliffy.Cliff Clavin: Yeah?
Sam Malone: Telephone.
Carla Tortelli: Somebody wants to talk to Cliff?
Norm Peterson: This is a first, bud. I don't think anyone's ever called you here before.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, I know who this is. It's a tootsie on my route who's been eyeing the cut of my jib through her Levelors. Yeah, old man's probably out of town, she's looking for a little C.O.D.: Cliffy On Demand.
Norm Peterson: I know how these father-son relationships can be. I remember my dad didn't want me to get serious with Vera. He had heard that she had loose morals.
Sam Malone: You're kidding.
Norm Peterson: He actually got the story wrong. Turns out she had loose molars.
"Cheers: Severe Crane Damage (#8.18)" (1990)
Frasier: Now, all right everyone, pay attention. I have a little announcement to make, and I only have a minute.Norm: What, are you in a hurry?
Frasier: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.
Lilith: Has anyone seen Frasier? He cancelled an eight-thirty appointment.
Norm: Wow, he sees patients at night?
Lilith: No. We were going to make love to celebrate my new book.
"Cheers: Old Flames (#2.7)" (1983)
Cliff Clavin: What's the matter, Norm?Norm Peterson: Uh, oh, nothing. Just that my shorts are binding up on me.
Cliff Clavin: Just stand up and straighten them out.
Norm Peterson: Nah. I'll give 'em five minutes. Sometimes they self-correct.
Diane Chambers: The level of conversation in this bar could not sink any lower.
[Dave Richards walks into the bar]
Dave Richards: [to Diane] Hiya wonderbuns.
Diane Chambers: "Going down"!
Norm Peterson: Hey Dave, Dave. What was that you said at the end of your sports report last night?
Dave Richards: Oh, I said uh, "Good night and remember: the world is full of winners and loser. Here's hoping you're one of them."
Norm Peterson: Well, I guess I did hear it right.
"Cheers: Bidding on the Boys (#6.8)" (1987)
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Why don't you go make love to your accountant?[she walks out]
Norm Peterson: You know, if more people followed that advice, this world would be such a happier place.
Rebecca Howe: This is great! We're just $2,000 away from breaking the record. How many guys do we have left?
Carla LeBec: Just Sammy.
Rebecca Howe: Oh well, there's always next year.
Sam Malone: Two thousand dollars? Oh, gee, I might actually have to comb my hair.
[he walks away]
Rebecca Howe: Come on you guys, there's no way he can get that by himself. God, if we just had one more hunk.
Cliff Clavin: All right, all right, all right.
[he gets up]
Rebecca Howe: Mr. Clavin, that is a really sweet gesture, but isn't there some regulation against government employees in uniform participating in this kind of a thing?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, that is a very salient point, and one which I came within a hair of overlooking. I thank you.
[he shakes her hand]
Cliff Clavin: Boy, I shudder to think what might of happened.
Norm Peterson: We all do.
"Cheers: The Last Angry Mailman (#6.7)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, stop everything. I've got a major news flash. I just had lunch with Miss Howe's former college classmate, and it seems that she had a nickname at UConn.Sam Malone: Give, give.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he wasn't sure how she came by this appellation, but it seems that at some point during her little sojourn there, she became known as
[pause]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Backseat Becky.
[general laughter among the crowd]
Woody Boyd: Boy, what do you suppose that means?
Cliff Clavin: Woody, what that means is...
Carla LeBec: Cliff, Cliff, why don't you let someone who's been there tell it. Woods, she likes to do her cushion pushin' on four wheels.
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe? Really? You know, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
Carla LeBec: What?
Woody Boyd: Let's date 'em.
[Rebecca enters the room]
Sam Malone: Oh, looky here.
[looks in Rebecca's direction]
Sam Malone: Something tells me I'm going to be completely obnoxious about this.
[everyone laughs as Rebecca approaches]
Woody Boyd: What's so funny?
Sam Malone: Oh, we were just talking about nicknames, you know, different funny nicknames that people have. Did you ever have a nickname?
Rebecca Howe: As a matter of fact, no.
Sam Malone: Really? Nothing, huh? Not a Sparky, or Lefty, or Bubba?
Rebecca Howe: Sorry.
Sam Malone: Guys, we oughta give Rebecca here a nickname. Ah, you know, something that kind of fits her personality: kind of dignified, kind of businesslike, kind of reserved. Let me think a minute.
[pauses]
Sam Malone: Anybody?
Carla LeBec, Cliff Clavin, Dr. Frasier Crane, Tim, Hugh, Norm Peterson: [loudly] Backseat Becky.
[Rebecca slinks down behind the bar in embarrassment]
Sam Malone: Gee, that works for me.
Woody Boyd: I kind of like Bubba.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, stop everything. I've got a major news flash. I just had lunch with Miss Howe's former college classmate, and it seems that she had a nickname at UConn.
Sam Malone: Give, give.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he wasn't sure how she came by this appellation, but it seems that at some point during her little sojourn there, she became known as...
[pauses]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Backseat Becky.
Woody Boyd: Boy, what do you suppose that means?
Cliff Clavin: Woody, what that means is...
Carla LeBec: Cliff, Cliff, why don't you let someone who's been there tell it. Woods, she likes to do her cushion pushin' on four wheels.
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe? Really? You know, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
Carla LeBec: What?
Woody Boyd: Let's date 'em.
[Rebecca enters the room]
Sam Malone: Oh, looky here.
[Sam looks in Rebecca's direction]
Sam Malone: Something tells me I'm going to be completely obnoxious about this.
[everyone laughs as Rebecca approaches]
Rebecca Howe: What's so funny?
Sam Malone: Oh, we were just talking about nicknames, you know, different funny nicknames that people have. Did you ever have a nickname?
Rebecca Howe: As a matter of fact, no.
Sam Malone: Really? Nothing, huh? Not a Sparky, or Lefty, or Bubba?
Rebecca Howe: Sorry.
Sam Malone: Guys, we oughta give Rebecca here a nickname. Ah, you know, something that kind of fits her personality: kind of dignified, kind of businesslike, kind of reserved. Let me think a minute.
[pauses]
Sam Malone: Anybody?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Cliff Clavin, Tim, Hugh, Norm Peterson, Carla LeBec: [loudly] Backseat Becky.
[Rebecca slinks down behind the bar in embarrassment]
Sam Malone: Gee, that works for me.
Woody Boyd: I kind of like Bubba.
"Cheers: Norm, Is That You? (#7.6)" (1988)
Cliff Clavin: You know Rebecca, I don't know why you're so concerned about your figure. You know, back in the Renaissance times, full figured women were revered.Norm Peterson: Get out.
Cliff Clavin: It's true. Yeah, yeah, artists would only paint big, voluptuous women. In fact, that's how they got rid of a lot of their old paint.
Cliff Clavin: [with Sam, Woody and Carla, after overhearing Norm's conversation with interior decorating clients about his sexuality] Norm, how could you do this to us?
Norm Peterson: What, do what?
Cliff Clavin: We're your best friends. I can't believe you didn't feel close enough to share this part of your life with us.
Norm Peterson: This part, what... Guys, I'm straight. I'm not gay.
Cliff Clavin: No, no, who cares about that. You can get stuff at wholesale.
"Cheers: The Crane Mutiny (#6.5)" (1987)
Woody Boyd: Sam, I found an apartment.Sam Malone: Hey, good for you, Woody.
Woody Boyd: It's got everything I ever wanted.
Sam Malone: What's that?
Woody Boyd: A living room and a bedroom.
Cliff Clavin: Dare to dream there, Woodman.
Sam Malone: [looks at the apartment newspaper listing] Isn't this in Chinatown?
Woody Boyd: I don't think so Sam.
Sam Malone: Well yeah, I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around?
Woody Boyd: Yeah, I guess so.
Cliff Clavin: Eh, a lot of signs hanging hither and yonder in Chinese there?
Woody Boyd: Yeah, come to think of it.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, lots of Chinese people walking around the street I suppose.
Woody Boyd: Well yeah, that could just be a coincidence, you know?! Tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anybody would know, Mrs. Chung would.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Lilith Sternin is a good woman: strong, durable, reliable.
Norm Peterson: She'd make a hell of a radial tire actually.
"Cheers: The Beer Is Always Greener (#11.2)" (1992)
Norm Peterson: Listen, I guess we have to start a new tab, huh? It's too bad we lost my old bar tab in the fire.Sam Malone: Oh, no. Actually, I had it in the safe.
Sam Malone: You did?
Sam Malone: Uh-hmm.
Norm Peterson: [incredulous] Why?
Sam Malone: Well, to tell the truth, it's kind of my most valuable asset. I like to think of it as my, my retirement plan, you know. One of these days, you'll start paying, and I can start thinking about retiring.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, well, I'd make other plans.
Woody Boyd: [entering the bar] Hi guys.
Rebecca Howe: Woody, what are you doing back here?
Sam Malone: How come you're not on your honeymoon?
Woody Boyd: Honeymoon? Is that what you call it when two people lock themselves in a room and refuse to speak or even look at each other?
Norm Peterson: No, Wood. That's marriage.
"Cheers: Tan 'N' Wash (#5.6)" (1986)
Paul Krapence: Hey Norm. How's the world been treating you?Norm Peterson: Like a baby treats a diaper.
Carla Tortelli: So, what's the deal with the Tan 'N' Wash?
Norm Peterson: For a new business, I'd say Tan 'N' Wash is doing as well as can be expected.
Carla Tortelli: Oh yeah? I dropped by this morning and the only customer in the place was a lonely woman kicking the hell out of a jammed change machine.
Norm Peterson: Oh, come on.
Carla Tortelli: By the way, you owe me a quarter and a new pair of shoes.
"Cheers: What is... Cliff Clavin? (#8.14)" (1990)
[Sam answers the phone]Sam Malone: Annie!
Norm Peterson: As in "Annie time he wants".
Norm Peterson: Could I have another beer?
Rebecca Howe: I dont see any money Norm.
Norm Peterson: Yeah... yup. I really should go hit that bank machine I guess. But I hope on the way out I don't happen to just inadvertently mention that one thin Carla and I happen to know about you.
Rebecca Howe: Shut up Norm and drink your free beer.
Norm Peterson: This bluffing thing is a goldmine.
Carla LeBec: Yes, I've given you a wonderful gift my son. You must use it for good only, never for evil.
Norm Peterson: Free beer is good, right?
Carla LeBec: You learn fast, young Norm.
"Cheers: 2 Good 2 Be 4 Real (#4.7)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: [about her brutally honest personal ad] Oh sure, I could tell 'em I got no kids, right? I could tell them that I'm twenty-one, five-nine, gorgeous green eyes, flaming red hair, and ta-ta's till Tuesday. How am I going to explain to him how I really look when he sees me?Sam Malone: Stress?
Carla Tortelli: Hey! All right! Next time I spill my guts, remind me to do it in front of friends.
Sam Malone: I'm just trying to cheer you up.
Carla Tortelli: I am in no mood to be cheered up. Next guy tries to cheer me up is going to get open face surgery.
[Carla storms out of the room]
Norm Peterson: I don't get it. She's got ta-ta's till Monday afternoon at least.
Sam Malone: Guys, how come we didn't see this one coming?
Diane Chambers: Oh, this from a group who every year fails to see winter coming.
Norm Peterson: Thanks for reminding me, Diane, I've got to take those screens down.
"Cheers: Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby (#8.19)" (1990)
Cliff Clavin: Ah, pubescence. An emotional time. I don't mind saying that puberty was one, long nightmare for me.Norm Peterson: How's that Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: Ma wouldn't allow it in the house.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So where did you get all this expensive listening equipment anyway?
Norm Peterson: It's Pete's stuff. He uses this stuff all the time.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Pete? Are you a surveillance expert?
Pete: No. My wife sleeps around a lot.
"Cheers: Rebound: Part 1 (#3.1)" (1984)
Norm Peterson: Coach, you've had kids. Does a baby change you?Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Are you kidding Normie, it can't even change itself.
Norm Peterson: Sammy, I just want to say this because you're my friend. Don't get all defensive, but maybe you are drinking a little more than you should.
Sam Malone: Well, so are you.
Norm Peterson: I already have a mother, lush face.
"Cheers: Now Pitching, Sam Malone (#1.13)" (1983)
[the gang are talking about predicting who the next president will be]Cliff Clavin: I've got a pet little theory about that. You see, if you go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected.
Paul: So who's going to win, Cliff? Reagan again?
Norm Peterson: What, Mondale?
Cliff Clavin: No, no, not a chance. You see, I figured it out. By my calculations, the next president has to be named Yelnik McWawa.
Sam Malone: That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, please. You're talking about our next president.
Sam Malone: So Norm, what was Kennedy doing at the Copley?
Norm Peterson: Having lunch. I got his autograph.
Paul: You disturbed him during his lunch?
Norm Peterson: No, God. I waited until he went to the men's room.
Norm Peterson: [reads the paper with the autograph] "Marty Kroeger"?
Norm Peterson: [ripping up the paper in disgust] I got the wrong stall.
"Cheers: Loverboyd (#8.22)" (1990)
Woody Boyd: A nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.Norm Peterson: You mean a nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson.
Carla LeBec: [about Norm cheating in the draw to decide the bar's designated driver for the evening] How many times have you done this?
Norm Peterson: Well, I'm embarrassed to say this is my very first time.
Carla LeBec: This is the first time you've cheated?
Norm Peterson: Oh, I thought you meant getting caught.
"Cheers: House of Horrors with Formal Training and Used Brick (#5.5)" (1986)
Woody Boyd: Hey Mr. Peterson. I'm a Leo. What's my horoscope say?Norm Peterson: "Young bartender should refill mug of thirsty patron in corner bar."
Woody Boyd: Those things are so vague, they could apply to anybody.
Norm Peterson: Scary stuff just scares me.
"Cheers: The Boys in the Bar (#1.16)" (1983)
Norm Peterson: One night, Vito let's a gay group hold a meeting in the back room, right? Gay's for the... metric system. Story got in the newspaper, gets a lot of attention, and next thing you know, Vito's Pub turns into...Norm Peterson: [in an effeminate voice] ... Vito's Pub.
Norm Peterson: All the regulars left, Sammy. Out went the oars and the moose heads, in came the plants and ferns. Ferns - eww. I just don't want that to happen to Cheers, that's all.
Sam Malone: I don't believe that stuff. Bars don't turn gay overnight.
Norm Peterson: You don't have to believe me. I have scientific proof. Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: It happened.
Norm Peterson: See!
Sam Malone: Hey, listen. Those guys are staying. If anyone else wants to leave, that's fine.
Norm Peterson: OK, Sammy, you know what kind of bar this is going to turn into.
Sam Malone: It's not going to turn into the kind of bar that I have to throw people out of.
Diane Chambers: That's the noblest preposition you've ever dangled.
"Cheers: Cry Hard (#8.25)" (1990)
Norm: [about Cliff] Frasier, straighten him out, OK. What happens to old, dead skin?Frasier: Apparently, it sits on bar stools and drinks beer all day.
Sam: You can't get into the main computer without Rebecca's secret password. You know that.
Carla: Yeah, well, I'm trying to figure out what the password is.
Norm: Well, it's usually something personal.
Sam: How about loser.
Carla: Tried it.
Norm: Ah, flunky?
Carla: Tried it.
Woody: How about hardworkingyoungwomanwhonevergetstherecognitionshedeserves.
Carla: It's too many letters.
Woody: How about screwup.
"Cheers: Birth, Death, Love and Rice (#4.1)" (1985)
Norm Peterson: You know how I've been trying to get Vera pregnant? Congratulate me.Sam Malone: Hey, hey!
[there is general excitement with Cliff, Carla and Sam]
Sam Malone: Whoa, I think this calls for champagne, here.
Norm Peterson: Why, thank you Sam.
Sam Malone: What sex do you want it to be?
Norm Peterson: Sex? Come on, I thought you just ask for the vintage, you know. Wait, wait, I see your mistake. Vera's not with child. She just told me I didn't have to try and get her pregnant anymore. Let's celebrate, come on, party!
Norm Peterson: [walking out of the pool room] Hey Cliffy, next time you try and imitate that helicopter, I think you ought to chalk up the cues before you stick them in your ears.
Cliff Clavin: You kidding. I'd look pretty silly with chalk in my ears.
"Cheers: A Kiss Is Still a Kiss (#6.10)" (1987)
Woody Boyd: Oh boy, I need change for this fifty.Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: You need change? Maybe I can help you, huh?
[he whips out a wad of one-dollar bills]
Woody Boyd: Great!
Cliff Clavin: Hold it, hold it...
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Oh, come on guys, give me a break, I'm a reformed man.
Norm Peterson: Oh yeah? Maybe you wouldn't mind if we monitored this little transaction?
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, yeah.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Wouldn't mind at all.
[Norm and Cliff hide their keys and wallets before approaching Harry]
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: [to Woody] 'kay, you need fifty bucks?
[starts counting out the bills]
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Here's one, two, three, four five. Norm, what time is it?
Norm Peterson: Eleven.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. My watch must be fast, I've got eleven twenty-five. Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight. Cliff, you have not aged a day. How old are you?
Cliff Clavin: Thirty-nine.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Thirty-nine! Forty, forty-one, forty... wait. You can't be that old. What year were you born?
Cliff Clavin: Forty-seven.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty. There you go barkeep.
[hands the bills to Woody, who hands Harry the fifty dollar bill]
Sam Malone: How's life treating ya?
Norm Peterson: It isn't Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
"Cheers: The Norm Who Came to Dinner (#10.4)" (1991)
[Norm is providing a quote for a paint job]Norm Peterson: I think I can swing the whole thing today for, uh... what do you say, four hundred dollars?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Uh, that's a little pricey, isn't it?
Norm Peterson: Uh, all right. Well, say, two hundred, and you supply the food and beer?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Four hundred it is.
"Cheers: Suspicion (#4.14)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [after a rendition of a chicken she does airs on a serious public television program] I made an absolute ass of myself.Norm Peterson: Oh, come on Diane, lighten up. It wasn't that bad, it really wasn't.
Woody Boyd: Heck no, I've known chickens who can't do that as well as you.
"Cheers: Someone Single, Someone Blue (#1.20)" (1983)
Norm Peterson: Bars can be very sad places. Some people spend their whole lives in bars. Just yesterday, some guy sat right here next to me for eleven hours."Cheers: The Coach's Daughter (#1.5)" (1982)
Norm Peterson: What do you sell?Roy: I sell suits door-to-door.
Sam Malone: [pointing at what Roy's wearing] Is this one of the suits, here?
Roy: You took the bait, Sam.
Sam Malone: I did?
Roy: [handing over his cigar to his fiancée, Lisa] Hold this.
Roy: [standing up to show off what he's wearing] I'm wearing an Omni suit right now, and man am I comfortable. The best part is it's versatility. This suit comes with two coats, three pairs of pants, and five reversible vests. This ensemble makes one hundred twenty combinations, everything from dignified to sporty. If you own one of these suits Sam, you can go straight from a funeral to a night on the town without even going home.
Sam Malone: Well, I was trapped in just that situation Tuesday night.
"Cheers: Please Mr. Postman (#7.12)" (1989)
Cliff Clavin: [facetiously] Was it my imagination, or was that woman coming on to me?Norm Peterson: Cliffy, Walt Disney should have had your imagination.
"Cheers: Money Dearest (#5.3)" (1986)
Cliff Clavin: Normie. Call all my friends.Norm Peterson: I think he moved.
"Cheers: One Hugs, the Other Doesn't (#10.16)" (1992)
[Carla is talking on the telephone]Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [yelling] This is sick. Just stop harrassing me. You'll get your money when I'm good and ready. And if you try to contact me at the workplace one more time, I'm going to turn you over to the authorities.
[Carla slams down the telephone]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [to Norm] Jerk!
Norm Peterson: Which one of your kids was that?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: That was not one of my kids. I don't talk to my kids that way.
Cliff Clavin: Bill collector then, huh?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, it was my mother. Her social security check is late. Like it's my fault that she's getting old.
[Carla walks away]
Rebecca Howe: [to Norm and Cliff] Did you hear the way she talked to her mother. I could never talk to my mother like that.
Rebecca Howe: [running after Carla] Hey Carla, could you give my mom a call?
"Cheers: Rebound: Part 2 (#3.2)" (1984)
Sam Malone: [to Coach, Norm and Cliff] Diane here's got herself a new fella. Turns out she and Frasier Crane are lovers.Norm Peterson: Eww.
"Cheers: Is There a Doctor in the Howe? (#11.16)" (1993)
[Sam is outside the bar's front door, cleaning graffiti off the wall, namely the initials N.R.P. Cliff is watching him through the door's window]Rebecca Howe: Not again.
Sam Malone: It's the fifth time this week. If I find out who this N.R.P. creep is, I'm going to really let him have it.
[inside the bar, Norm is pilfering beer out of the beer taps]
Cliff Clavin: Hurry up Norm, Sam is getting a lot faster at this.
Norm Peterson: Got it.
Cliff Clavin: Hey Norm. I know that the N.P. stands for Norm Peterson. What does the R stand for?
Norm Peterson: Resourceful.
"Cheers: Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 2 (#6.4)" (1987)
Eddie LeBec: [about Carla] I can't face her right now. I mean if I did change my mind and decide to stand up to Mama, Carla would never forgive me for the way I ran out. I mean, if I went there right now, she'd tear my head off.Norm Peterson: Oh wait, come on Eddie, I think you're underestimating Carla just a bit here.
Eddie LeBec: What, you don't think she'd be mad?
Norm Peterson: No, I don't think she'd stop at your head.
"Cheers: Bad Neighbor Sam (#9.8)" (1990)
[Woody is phoning Kelly to find out who the man was that took suggestive photos of her. A French speaking man answers the phone]Woody Boyd: [to Norm, Frasier and Cliff about the man on the phone] Do you know what that pervert said to me? 'Allô'. What does that mean in English?
Norm Peterson: Wai, wai, wait, I took some French in high school. I think allô, allô means, um, 'I've got your girlfriend in my arms and, um, soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold'.
Cliff Clavin: That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant, 'I have your girlfriend in my arms and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold'.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Norm and Cliff] Oh, for God sake, stop hectoring the poor lad.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Woody] It simply means that I enjoyed your girlfriend...
"Cheers: Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist (#10.13)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: You know, when I was a kid, I was the first one in my class to... you know, develop breasts. They teased me the whole year.Norm Peterson: Oh, yeah. Me too.
"Cheers: Cheerio, Cheers (#3.22)" (1985)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Diane, I've got the most exciting news. It just couldn't wait.Diane Chambers: What is it? You're positively tingling.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Come and sit down. I have been awarded an honor that surpasses anything that I could have hoped to have achieved at this point in my career, it goes beyond even my most wild and ambitious dreams.
Cliff Clavin: Hey, hey, Doc, what are we talking here, a Nobel Prize, huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, we're not talking Nobel Prize.
Norm Peterson: What, Pulitzer? Come on.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I didn't win the Pulitzer Prize.
Diane Chambers: Oh, a Guggenheim Fellowship.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, it's not a Guggenheim Fellowship.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, what did you win, a canned ham? You lost all the big ones.
"Cheers: Cheers Fouls Out (#9.2)" (1990)
Norm Peterson: [about an argument between Frasier and Lilith] So, uh, what kind of punishment are you getting?Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I'm not getting any.
Norm Peterson: Oh, you're getting off easy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I'm not *getting* any.
Norm Peterson: No, *you're* getting off *easy*.
"Cheers: The Groom Wore Clearasil (#4.4)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: [about Carla's son, marrying] What did you tell my kid, huh?Sam Malone: Well, basically, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
Woody Boyd: Well, I'll tell you why: companionship, warmth on a cold night, someone to share your old age with.
Norm Peterson: You think he should marry her?
Woody Boyd: I thought we were talking about a cow?
"Cheers: Diane Chambers Day (#4.22)" (1986)
Norm Peterson: Uh, pardon me, am I mistaken, but did you use to work at the Hungry Heifer?Corinne: Sure, I worked there.
Norm Peterson: Yeah?
Corinne: Say, I know you. The girls there had a pet name for you.
Norm Peterson: What was that?
Corinne: That guy who comes back.
"Cheers: Breaking in Is Hard to Do (#9.7)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about spending the day at the bar with Frederick] I thought that Frederick might enjoy himself.Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Enjoy himself in a bar? He's eleven months old. What kind of values can he learn here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I thought the place had a lot to offer.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Oh, please. He'll never learn to speak in this environment.
Norm Peterson: [Norm walks into the bar] Afternoon everybody.
Frederick Crane: Norm!
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [looks lovingly into Frederick's eyes] He said Mommy!
"Cheers: The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec (#8.23)" (1990)
[Norm notices things are going well between Darryl Mead and Carla]Norm Peterson: Looks like Cupid just shot an arrow through Carla's heart.
Cliff Clavin: When did Carla get a heart?
"Cheers: Death Takes a Holiday on Ice (#8.7)" (1989)
Gloria LeBec: I want to talk to you.Carla LeBec: Yeah? I want to scratch you bald, paint your butt blue and mail you to Guam.
Gloria LeBec: I'd like to see you try.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, I'd like to see that too actually.
"Cheers: A Ditch in Time (#3.12)" (1984)
Larry: Hey, Norm, what's the matter? Don't you like having sex with your wife?Norm Peterson: We're not exactly what each other wants in a sexual partner, you know? For example, she wishes I looked a little more like Charles Bronson. And, um, I wished she looked a little less like Charles Bronson.
"Cheers: Everyone Imitates Art (#5.10)" (1986)
Carla Tortelli: Of all the stinkin', dirty, rotten, maggot-sucking, vermin-infested stinkweeds...Norm Peterson: Practicing your Mother of the Year speech again, Carla?
"Cheers: Cheers Has Chili (#9.20)" (1991)
Woody Boyd: Mom finally sent out Grandma Meg's pressure cooker, so last night I whipped up a batch of chili.Norm Peterson: Oh!
Woody Boyd: Do you want to try some?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec, Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson, Dr. Frasier Crane, Pete: Oh yeah. Sure.
Woody Boyd: From an old family recipe.
Pete: Your Grandma's?
Woody Boyd: Nah, this old family that lived down the road.
"Cheers: Don't Paint Your Chickens (#7.15)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Congratulate the doctor. I'm doing a piece on the psychological ramifications of Ingmar Bergman's later works for American Film.Norm Peterson: Oh, that's great Frase.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'd like to read it to you to see if it's still accessible to the layman. May I have your opinion?
Carla LeBec: Sure: buy a new suit, get a haircut, and stay home.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Carla. Now, I call the piece, "Ingmar Bergman: Poet of the Subconscious". The films of Ingmar Bergman...
Norm Peterson: Boy, who could forget her in 'Casablanca', huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, you're thinking of Ingrid Bergman, I'm talking about Ingmar Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Ingmar Bergman, the boxer?
Cliff Clavin: No Woody, you're thinking of Ingemar Johansson.
Sam Malone: You mean the guy that knocked out Floyd Patterson?
Norm Peterson: No, no, no, Sonny Liston knocked out Patterson.
Pete: Who knocked out Johansson?
Norm Peterson: Patterson.
Steve: Before Liston?
Norm Peterson: No, Johansson knocked out Liston.
Cliff Clavin: Well, who knocked out Patterson?
Woody Boyd: Was it Ingrid Bergman?
Pete: Ingrid Bergman...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [yells] Shut up, shut up! Not one more word. I came in here to discuss Ingmar Bergman, not to start an Abbott and Costello routine.
Norm Peterson: Actually, I thought it was more like Martin and Lewis.
Sam Malone: You mean, Joe Louis?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, he's the one who knocked out Floyd Patterson.
Woody Boyd: Then who knocked out Lou Costello?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [exasperated] Apparently Ingrid Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Boy, she was tougher than she looked.
"Cheers: Send in the Crane (#7.9)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [to Norm, Cliff and Pete] Why do you guys remember my love life better than I do?Norm Peterson: Well, I think it meant more to us, Sammy.
"Cheers: No Rest for the Woody (#10.14)" (1992)
Norm Peterson: What part of the body do you need to take the blood from?Gordon: Any part that's soft and fleshy.
Norm Peterson: Well, have I got a treat for you.
"Cheers: Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back (#7.10)" (1989)
Carla LeBec: [about inflitrating Gary's Old Towne Tavern] Woody, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red, and put you on a subway.Woody Boyd: They wouldn't do that.
Carla LeBec: They did it to me. But I got the best of them.
Norm Peterson: How's that?
Carla LeBec: I loved it.
"Cheers: Manager Coach (#2.8)" (1983)
Sam Malone: Every guy needs a hobby, right?Norm Peterson: I wish I had time for one.
Cliff Clavin: Norm, you've got time to make your own coal.
"Cheers: Heeeeeere's... Cliffy! (#10.24)" (1992)
Esther Clavin: Norman, I want to thank you.Norm Peterson: For what?
Esther Clavin: Well, I know Clifford doesn't have many friends. I remember that surprise birthday party I organized for him and you were the only one who showed up.
Norm Peterson: Yeah. Where were you anyway?
Esther Clavin: I just forgot.
"Cheers: The Big Kiss-Off (#6.24)" (1988)
Norm Peterson: There's nothing wrong with sweating. I myself have perspired once or twice.Carla LeBec: We could grow rice.
"Cheers: I'm Okay, You're Defective (#10.11)" (1991)
[the gang are trying to think of stories that will totally gross out Norm]Woody Boyd: How about someone coming in from the field who's been working all day while you're sitting down at the dinner table and they got no shirt on and their chest hair's all matted down.
Norm Peterson: That's kind of unpleasant, Wood, but it's not really gross.
Woody Boyd: That's because you never met Grandma.
"Cheers: Simon Says (#5.21)" (1987)
Norm Peterson: Doc, hi. I'm Norm Peterson. I have to tell you that my wife is a big fan of yours, sir. Yeah, she reads all those marriage improvement books.Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Great. Have they helped?
Norm Peterson: They've helped me. It gives her something to do in bed.
"Cheers: Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl (#11.10)" (1992)
[Norm is trying to get Captain Howe to buy him a beer]Norm Peterson: Sir, did I ever tell you that I was in the Coast Guard?
Navy Captain Franklin Howe: The Coast Guard, huh? Well, you must be very proud, Miss.
Norm Peterson: So, buy a girl a drink?
"Cheers: Wedding Bell Blues (#9.15)" (1991)
Rebecca Howe: Guys. I have my new wedding dress. Now all I need is something old, something borrowed and something blue.Carla Tortelli-LeBec: How about Norm's liver?
Norm Peterson: I am almost finished with it.
"Cheers: Diane's Allergy (#3.10)" (1984)
Norm Peterson: Sammy, Frasier walks out of here with Diane, and you get to go home to a dog.Sam Malone: Yeah. Somebody up there likes me.
"Cheers: Teaching with the Enemy (#11.6)" (1992)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Can you believe this guy, winning twelve million bucks in the lottery. I mean, talk about beating the odds.Woody Boyd: Oh, yeah, you wanna talk about beating the odds? My Uncle Spence fell twenty thousand feet from an airplane, and hit the only pile of hay for two miles.
Norm Peterson: Geez, he's the luckiest man on Earth.
Woody Boyd: Well, not really. He went through the propeller first.
"Cheers: The Gift of the Woodi (#7.19)" (1989)
Woody Boyd: Did Mrs. Peterson ever make a fool out of you in front of other people?Norm Peterson: Yeah, there was the time she pulled the old "I do" gag.
"Cheers: Swear to God (#7.2)" (1988)
Norm Peterson: Oh Carla, you know that pitcher of beer you left on your tray? Some guy from Table 6 came and drank it.Carla LeBec: I don't have a Table 6.
Norm Peterson: I knew I should have said Table 5.
"Cheers: The Stork Brings a Crane (#8.6)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [reading a newspaper article] "100 years ago today, a new tavern opened at 112-1/2 Beacon Street."Cliff Clavin: Wait, wait, a mailman never forgets an address, now. Why is 112-1/2 Beacon Street sending a message to my brain?
Carla LeBec: Probably because you're sitting on it.
Cliff Clavin: Carla, I hate it when you make those sitting on my brain jokes.
Norm Peterson: Cliffy, she meant 112-1/2 Beacon Street. That's Cheers' address. You're sitting here.
Carla LeBec: No, I was making a Cliff sitting on his brain joke.
Cliff Clavin: [to Norm] See, I told you. Thank you, Carla.
"Cheers: How Do I Love Thee?... Let Me Call You Back (#2.10)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I got a great idea, right? I'll think of number from one and ten. Who comes closest gets to go with Sam.Norm Peterson: Fair enough.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Fair enough?
Norm Peterson: OK.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: OK? Normie?
Norm Peterson: Uh, seven.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Carla?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Nine.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: Two.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I'll say three.
Cliff Clavin: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Uh, Coach, Coach, you can't say anything. You know what it is.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I know. It's six.
Norm Peterson: Why did you say three?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Three's my lucky number.
"Cheers: The Peterson Principle (#4.18)" (1986)
Sam Malone: Hey, what's happening Norm?Norm Peterson: It's a dog-eat-dog world Sammy, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
"Cheers: Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure (#9.10)" (1990)
Norm: Frase, uh, just out of curiosity, what did you have for dinner? Let me guess.Norm: [opens Frasier's kitchen door and takes a few deep breaths] Ah, porterhouse steaks smothered with mushrooms, green beans with sliced almonds, some apple brown betty, and decaf cappucino.
Dr. Frasier CraneFrasier: [laughs] Actually, we had Chinese brought in.
Norm: [sniffs around himself] Ah, it must be in my coat.
"Cheers: Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey (#11.19)" (1993)
[Norm and Cliff have just gotten dressed]Norm Peterson: You know, my underwear's a little tight.
Cliff Clavin: It's funny, mine's a little loose.
[realizing they are wearing each other's underwear, they simultaneously scream]
"Cheers: One for the Road (#11.25)" (1993)
Norm Peterson: You know what I think the most important thing in life is? It's love. And do you know what I love?Sam Malone: Beer, Norm?
Norm Peterson: [looks at his watch] Yeah, I'll have a quick one.
"Cheers: The Improbable Dream: Part 1 (#8.1)" (1989)
Norm Peterson: Call me old fashioned Cliff, but the only thing I like floating in beer is my liver."Cheers: Finally!: Part 1 (#8.15)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: Robin is back in town and tonight he is mine. So, would you like to know where we are going and you are not?Norm Peterson: My house?
"Cheers: Madame LaCarla (#10.3)" (1991)
[Madame Lazora enters the bar]Sam Malone: Ah, Madame Lazora.
Madame Lazora: [in her psychic voice] I sense the tortured anguish of many lost souls screaming for release.
Norm Peterson: That's probably me. I had kielbassa for breakfast.
"Cheers: The Last Picture Show (#11.18)" (1993)
[Norm, Cliff, Woody and Frasier are watching the Godzilla movies at a drive-in theater]Cliff Clavin: So, what did I miss? Why is that girl running around screaming at everybody?
Norm Peterson: Well, she's trying to convince them that Godzilla's merely confused, not really trying to hurt them.
Cliff Clavin: Isn't that the part usually played by Akira Nakamura?
Norm Peterson: Yeah, yeah, but she left half way through the Godzilla series.
Woody Boyd: I don't understand. Why would an actress leave right in the middle of a successful series?
"Cheers: Snow Job (#2.18)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What's shakin', Norm?Norm Peterson: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
"Cheers: Woody Interruptus (#9.11)" (1990)
Woody Boyd: What do you think of premartial sex, Mr. P?Norm Peterson: Well, Wood, there's an old saying you know, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Then of course, you get married and you wake up one day and realize, "Oh my God, I married a cow."
"Cheers: Ill-Gotten Gaines (#11.8)" (1992)
Woody Boyd: Oh, Mr. Gaines. What a nice surprise. You remember Mr. Peterson and Mr. Clavin.Mr. Walter Gaines: [to Norm and Cliff] Nick. Clive.
Norm Peterson: Actually, it's Norm, Cliff.
Mr. Walter Gaines: You're lucky I got that close.
"Cheers: Coach in Love: Part 1 (#3.6)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Normie, Normie, how did you propose to Vera?Norm Peterson: Well, I ah, you know something? I don't think I did. Do you think there could be a loophole in this terrible tragedy?
Cliff Clavin: No, not if you consumated it.
Norm Peterson: Egad, why couldn't we have had this conversation yesterday?!
"Cheers: Cheers: The Motion Picture (#5.24)" (1987)
[Woody and Norm are having dinner at the Hungry Heifer]Corinne: What can I get you, Norm?
Norm Peterson: The Feeding Frenzy Special for Two.
Corinne: How about you, honey?
Woody Boyd: Well, I think he was ordering for both of us.
Norm Peterson: No.
"Cheers: Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 (#6.3)" (1987)
Norm Peterson: [reading a sleazy tabloid] Geez, Cliff, listen to this. "Scientists Discover Wild Parrot Who Claims to Be Elvis".Cliff Clavin: So?
Norm Peterson: So? I mean, this one wins the "Too Stupid For Even You Cliff" award.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [exasperated] Oh, really. Must you two wallow in this sensationalistic tripe? I mean, it pains me no end to see America's wits dulled and their morals abrogated by this opiate to the asses.
Norm Peterson: Well, check this out, Cliffy. "I was Sigmund Freud's Love Child".
Dr. Frasier Crane: [totally excited] No?
[Frasier runs back to Norm and grabs the tabloid paper and tries to find the story]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I've heard rumors they betrayed Martha with his sister-in-law, but I never dreamed there'd be progeny.
[reads further. can't find the story. learns he's been had]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You rapscallions.
"Cheers: Let Sleeping Drakes Lie (#6.18)" (1988)
Norm Peterson: [to Evan Drake] Anyway, this is my fantasy sir. It's a little outrageous, so just stay with me. Even though I was born poor and I'll never be a rich man, somehow it wouldn't make any difference if one time, sir, just one time, just one darn time, I could do something symbolic: carry a rich man across the lawn in his pajamas."Cheers: Ma Always Liked You Better (#9.5)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: I think we'll just make an entrance through the alley.Sam Malone: Oh, you got to be kidding. What are you going to do? Bust a hole in my wall?
Norm Peterson: Oh, actually Sam, you know that window - the leaded stain glass window - is in a single wooden frame, so I think you could pop it out fairly easily with a crowbar. I think the opening is like four by eight which is perfectly good for a standard entrance. You build a little staircase and you've got a nice little doorway.
Sam Malone: Boy you've put a lot of thought into this.
Norm Peterson: It's always been a dream of mine to someday retire and build a little apartment back there.
"Cheers: Look Before You Sleep (#11.20)" (1993)
Sam Malone: I think I'll just stretch out on the couch here.Norm Peterson: Oh, no, no, I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight.
Sam Malone: You sleeping on the couch?
Norm Peterson: Yeah, yeah, sometimes when I come home late from Cheers, I don't like to wake Vera up, so I just crash out on the couch here.
Sam Malone: But you're always late at Cheers.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, how about that!
"Cheers: Crash of the Titans (#9.18)" (1991)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [to Rebecca] Why do you want Cheers? I would think, for you, this bar would only have negative associations connected with it. Well, think of all the heartbreak you've had here, the forgotten goals, the missed opportunities...Norm Peterson: Hey, it's called atmosphere, babe.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I would would think, for you, this place would have the stench of failure.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, that's Clavin. And FYI, it's not just failure.
Rebecca Howe: You know, actually Lilith, I had more productive, successful times at Cheers than I've had any other place in my life.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [in shock] Oh, Dear God!
"Cheers: Truce or Consequences (#1.8)" (1982)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to everyone in the bar] Who needs a ride home?[there is no response]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Come on, who needs a ride home?
Jack: I guess we're all sober enough to drive ourselves home tonight, Coach.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, looks like you get to go straight home for a change.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I've never driven straight home alone. I wouldn't know how to do it.
Norm Peterson: OK Coach, you can take me.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, what a prince.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Thanks Norm. I owe you one.
Norm Peterson: Anytime.
Cliff Clavin: Good night, Norm.
Norm Peterson: 'night.
Norm Peterson: [to Coach] Just drop me off at Kenmore Square. I can catch a cab from there to take me back here to my car.
"Cheers: I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face (#9.16)" (1991)
[Frasier is reading A Tale of Two Cities to the guys at the bar]Dr. Frasier Crane: "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."
Norm Peterson: Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Which was it?
"Cheers: Take Me Out of the Ball Game (#10.21)" (1992)
[Carla doesn't want to manage the bar in Sam's absence]Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Oh, no, no, no, not me. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like responsibility.
Norm Peterson: What are you talking about? You have eight children.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Well, I wouldn't if I were responsible.
"The Simpsons: Fear of Flying (#6.11)" (1994)
Norm Peterson: Woody, gimme a beer.Woody Boyd: I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.
Norm Peterson: Just gimme another beer, ya brain-dead hick! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya!
[he breaks a bottle and starts to wave it in Woody's face. Cliff and Frasier start to try and restrain him]
Cliff Clavin: Settle down, Normy! Save those pipes for karaoke!
[Norm settles down and starts to cry]
Norm Peterson: I love you guys!
[the first several notes of the "Cheers" theme song are heard. Homer runs out of the bar, screaming]
"Cheers: Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 (#4.25)" (1986)
[Norm enters the bar]Woody Boyd: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
Norm Peterson: My cheeks on this bar stool.
"Cheers: The Girl in the Plastic Bubble (#11.7)" (1992)
Norm Peterson: Ah Frase, you know marriage is a very tricky thing. Takes a lot of work and sacrifice and compromise from both parties to keep it fresh and rewarding.Dr. Frasier Crane: How can you say that? You work less at your marriage than anyone else in the world.
Norm Peterson: I was hoping the irony would cheer you up.
"Cheers: Sumner's Return (#2.5)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [looking at Norm] What time is it?Norm Peterson: Cliff, how many beer have I had so far?
Cliff Clavin: Eleven.
Norm Peterson: 8:05.
"Cheers: Smotherly Love (#10.20)" (1992)
[Norm has asked Sam, who is on his way to Atlantic City, to place a bet for him at a roulette wheel on black 17]Cliff Clavin: How come black 17, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Ah, well, 17 is because Vera and I were married on the seventeenth. And black is because Vera and I were married on the seventeenth.
"Cheers: Father Knows Last (#1.15)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah, Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?Norm Peterson: I can't, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, I'm sorry Norm.
Norm Peterson: I look at Vera, and I just can't.
"Cheers: Carla Loves Clavin (#9.21)" (1991)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Norm, I got to ask you a question.Norm Peterson: All right.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Over the years, I've been pretty bad to Clavin. I've done some things that maybe I shouldn't have: called him names, punctured his tires, set fire to his hair...
Norm Peterson: What's your question?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Do you think he noticed?
"Cheers: Endless Slumper (#1.10)" (1982)
Cliff: Well, I think that's enough baseball for me. I'm going to head home. You coming, Norm?Norm: I'm a real Red Sox fan, Cliff. I stay until the very last out.
Sam: It's closing time, Norm. I can't serve you any more.
Norm: [Getting up to leave] Well, it's not like it's the World Series or anything...
"Cheers: Woody for Hire, and Norman of the Apes (#6.13)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [about using the pool room on Sundays] Sunday is the night that we have our weekly pool tournament.[general agreement from the guys]
Rebecca Howe: Well just have your pool tournament another night.
Sam Malone: [laughs] Yeah right. Like we can rearrange our schedule here, right.
Rebecca Howe: What about Monday night?
Sam Malone: Yoh, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here, doesn't speak any English. Tell her what happens Monday night, will you please.
Hugh, Cliff Clavin, Dr. Frasier Crane, Norm Peterson, Tim: Football.
Rebecca Howe: How about Tuesday?
Hugh: Darts night.
Rebecca Howe: Wednesday.
Cliff Clavin: Recovery from darts night.
Tim: Thursday's poker night.
Sam Malone: Friday's the night to howl.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, and Saturday night is date night, so where does that leave us?
Norm Peterson: Horny on Sundays.
Sam Malone: Yoh!
"Cheers: Whodunit? (#3.13)" (1985)
Sam Malone: What seems to be the problem here, folks?Frasier Crane: Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner, and in the intervening hours it has been encrusted on his tie.
Cliff Clavin: Oh what, you can take Norm's tie here, put it in a kettle and make soup. Incidently, it's a little known fact that the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib, you know, to wipe your chin.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean they're thinking of changing that?
Sam Malone: Why don't you just tell the guy that he's got a spot?
Frasier Crane: [mockingly] Gee, that's an idea. Why didn't we just come to Sam in the first place? Sam, you just don't say, "there's a spot on your tie" to a man the stature of Dr. Bennett Ludlow.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: THE Bennett Ludlow?
Diane Chambers: You've heard of him, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No.
Frasier Crane: Coach, he's only one of the true giants of psychiatry: author, innovator, educator and I'm not ashamed to say my idol and inspiration.
Norm Peterson: All right, you lean over, you pretend you're admiring his tie tack, and then just nibble the morsel off really quick. Who's the wiser?!
Diane Chambers: Sam is right. We have to tell him.
Frasier Crane: Of course you're right. Oh Sam, may we have three brandies please. And I guess I'm the one who should tell him. After all, I'm the one who suggested beef wellington.
Norm Peterson: Beef wellington, you say?!
[makes a motion toward Bennett Ludlow]
Norm Peterson: Where's that tie?!
Frasier Crane: Just have to find a way to tell him as subtle and tactful a way that will allow him to preserve his dignity.
[meanwhile Carla approaches Bennett Ludlow's table]
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Pigpen. What's that thing?
[points at the crumb on his tie]
Carla Tortelli: What are you trying, to catch pidgeons? Ew.
[picks the crumb off his tie]
Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Thank you very much.
Carla Tortelli: Ah, don't mention it. I like a man who wears his dinner with pride.
"Cheers: The Mail Goes to Jail (#3.17)" (1985)
Larry: So Norm. Any luck impregnating Vera?Norm Peterson: I kind of miss the good old days when people used to ask me things like, "how are the Red Sox doing?", things like that.
Larry: Well excuse me for caring.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, I'm sorry Larry. I'm just a little edgy. You have to understand, I've gone an entire month with sex.
"Cheers: The Proposal (#5.1)" (1986)
[Woody's got a frown on his face]Norm Peterson: Woody, are you in pain buddy?
Woody Boyd: No, no, I was just thinking.
Norm Peterson: Well, the first time's always the worst.
"Cheers: Power Play (#2.1)" (1983)
Norm Peterson: One time I had to get tough with Vera, you know lay down the law. Next night I came home, she was waiting for me wearing nothing but a Saran Wrap bikini. I haven't been able to look at a sandwich since."Cheers: I'll Be Seeing You: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, you don't trust Diane very much, huh?Sam Malone: Coach, it's gotten to a point where I can't trust a thing that woman says.
Norm Peterson: I know what you mean, Sam. Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them anymore.
"Cheers: Bar Bet (#3.18)" (1985)
Sam Malone: It's not like we get Justice of the Peace and ministers walking in this bar every day.Norm Peterson: Don't be too sure, my son.
Diane Chambers: You, Norman?
Norm Peterson: Yup. Back in the 60s, sent a dollar into one of those churches that advertise in the back of Rolling Stone. I'm an official minister of the Church of the Living Desert.
"Cheers: A Bar Is Born (#8.3)" (1989)
Norm Peterson: Women: you can't live with them, pass the beer nuts."Cheers: What's Up, Doc? (#7.18)" (1989)
Norm Peterson: I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.Carla LeBec: You are a failure.
Norm Peterson: Well then, I've licked it.
"Cheers: Love Is a Really, Really Perfectly Okay Thing (#9.1)" (1990)
Norm Peterson: Whoa, guys, do you think Sammy finally bagged Rebecca?[the guys do a bunch of high fives while Rebecca glares at Norm]
Norm Peterson: Oh, sorry Rebecca, this is just, you know, guy talk.
Norm Peterson: Hey Carla, do you think he finally bagged Rebecca?
"Cheers: The Heart Is a Lonely Snipehunter (#3.14)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Cliffy, you want to go fishing with us?Cliff Clavin: [responds sarcastically] Well, that's OK Sam, I don't want to infringe on you and Norm's good time.
Norm Peterson: You're going to have to if you want to come along.
"Cheers: Dance, Diane, Dance (#5.12)" (1986)
Diane: All my life I wanted to dance so badly!Norm: Looks like you got your wish.
"Cheers: Our Hourly Bread (#6.21)" (1988)
Sam Malone: Norm, you've worked for the big firms. What do they do when they need a lot of money?Norm Peterson: All right, first off, they go and fire all the dead wood.
Sam Malone: And then what?
Norm Peterson: I'm long gone by then Sam.
"Cheers: Strange Bedfellows: Part 1 (#4.24)" (1986)
Cliff Clavin: [about a beautiful woman who walks by] Holy guacamole. Terre hauttie Indiana. I wouldn't throw her out of my bed for eating crackers.Norm Peterson: Why else would she be there?
"Cheers: Paint Your Office (#6.6)" (1987)
Rebecca Howe: Norm?Norm Peterson: Yeah?
Rebecca Howe: Do you find me cold?
Norm Peterson: You? Cold? Uh. I wouldn't say cold. Coolish, all right. In the brisk area, but uh... Why, who says you're cold?
Rebecca Howe: Everyone.
Norm Peterson: I don't think you're cold.
Rebecca Howe: Really?
Norm Peterson: Yeah. I always meant to tell you that, but I didn't feel as though I could approach you.
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