Carla Tortelli
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Quotes for
Carla Tortelli (Character)
from "Cheers" (1982)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Cheers: Honor Thy Mother (#9.13)" (1991)
Angeline: Bitch.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Slut.
Zia: [to Sam] It's nice to see them talking.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: I came because I feel bad things got so ugly between us the last time I was here.
Mama Lozupone: So you've come to say you're sorry.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Well, I'm sorry we fought.
Mama Lozupone: Then you're sorry, I accept your apology.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Good. I accept your apology.
Mama Lozupone: I didn't say I was sorry.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Well, then I'm not sorry either.
Mama Lozupone: Too late. I already accepted your apology.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Damn.

Mama Lozupone: So here, now that we've made peace, I want you to have the ring that my mother gave to me, and her mother gave to her.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Oh, Mama. The ring!
[Mama hands over an envelope to Carla]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: What's this?
Mama Lozupone: I hawked it.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Mama. I'm not rejecting you. I just don't want to name one of my sons Benito Mussolini.
Mama Lozupone: [incredulous] Why not?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Because, back a few years, there was another Benito Mussolini. Remember him?
Mama Lozupone: I don't see why one fascist dictator should ruin it for the entire family.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Mama, you are the only one who even cares about that stupid name. Everyone else agrees with me, right?
Zia: Oh, you're an ungrateful child.
Sal: You make me sick.
Angeline: Bitch!

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: All of the kids were there, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask them if anyone would fulfil their Grandmother's dying wish and change their name to Benito Mussolini.
Sam Malone: Any takers?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, but I got two Madonnas and an MC Hammer.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [about changing his name to Benito Mussolini] Look, Gino, do you even have any idea who Mussolini was?
Gino Tortelli: Well no, I didn't before but then Anthony told me all about him. Ma, this guy ran this whole country. And do you know what they called him? They called him Il Duce. Huh? The Duche! Hey yeah, that's right, it's me, Duche Tortelli.


"Cheers: The Groom Wore Clearasil (#4.4)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: Where's Diane anyway?
Sam Malone: Ah, I gave her the night off. She trying to interview for a TA job down at the college.
Carla Tortelli: She'll never get it. She's a big A with no T's.

Carla Tortelli: [about Anthony's behavior] Do you know who I hold responsible for this? Nick.
Woody Boyd: Who's Nick?
Carla Tortelli: He's Anthony's father - his biological father.
Woody Boyd: Wow, a scientist.

Carla Tortelli: [about Carla's son, marrying] What did you tell my kid, huh?
Sam Malone: Well, basically, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
Woody Boyd: Well, I'll tell you why: companionship, warmth on a cold night, someone to share your old age with.
Norm Peterson: You think he should marry her?
Woody Boyd: I thought we were talking about a cow?

Carla Tortelli: [about her son, Anthony, wanting to get married] You're only sixteen.
Anthony Tortelli: You were pregnant when you were sixteen.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, but I wasn't stupid enough to be married.

Carla Tortelli: Let me fill in on something, Annie. There are three things you can say about Tortelli men. One, they draw women like flies. Two, they treat women like flies. Three, their brains are in their flies.
Annie Tortelli: And one more thing: they throw away the best women.
Carla Tortelli: You know, for a loser, you're not bad.
Annie Tortelli: Ditto, Mrs. T.


"Cheers: Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 (#6.3)" (1987)
Eddie LeBec: Say, you know, ah, since I'm already here, there's something I wanted to ask you.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah?
Eddie LeBec: It's a question.
Carla Tortelli: I like questions.
Eddie LeBec: OK, but see, this is the kind of question a guy really doesn't want to ask if he thinks he might get "no" for an answer.
Carla Tortelli: Well, it's kind of hard for a girl to give an answer until she knows what the question is.
Eddie LeBec: OK, but you see, it would be a lot easier for a guy if he had some sort of sign...
Carla Tortelli: [excited] Ask me, you little frog.
Eddie LeBec: OK, Carla, would you...
Carla Tortelli: [climbs over the table to Eddie, exited] Yes! Yes!
[Carla gives Eddie a series of big kisses]
Eddie LeBec: Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait wait. Carla, would you mind if we, if we kept this quiet? You know me, I don't like a lot of hoopla.
Carla Tortelli: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Would it be OK if I just told Sam?
Eddie LeBec: [sheepishly] I guess.
Carla Tortelli: [starts to run toward Sam and yells at the top of her lungs] Hey Sammy. Me and Eddie are getting married!

Carla Tortelli: [gets off the phone with her doctor and yells in horror] Twins?
Carla Tortelli: [about Eddie] He spills the salt, he breaks the mirror, and I'm the one having twins. I told you something horrible was going to happen.
Eddie LeBec: What is so bad? Twins means we're twice blessed.
Sam Malone: Yeah! I had twins once, and it was the happiest day of my life.

Annie Tortelli: [about herself and husband Anthony] Actually, Mother Tortelli, we didn't want to return to Vegas. We don't think it's any place for children to grow up.
Carla Tortelli: You're having a kid?
Annie Tortelli: I'm talking about us.

Rebecca Howe: Carla. Here's your final paycheque. I might say that you have been a unique employee, and it's going to be very difficult to fill your uniform.
Carla Tortelli: Thanks.
Rebecca Howe: You don't happen to know any other short, pregnant cocktail waitresses, do you?

Carla Tortelli: [after Eddie's French-speaking mother leaves the bar] I get the feeling she wasn't nuts about me.
Carla Tortelli: [looks at Frasier] What did she say?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What makes you think I'd know?
Carla Tortelli: All you pompous windbags speak French.


"Cheers: Loathe and Marriage (#11.15)" (1993)
Serafina Tortelli: [to Carla] I need to talk to you.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You're pregnant.
Rebecca Howe: Carla, that is a rude and unfair thing to say. There's a million reasons why your daughter would want to talk to you.
Serafina Tortelli: I am pregnant.
Rebecca Howe: Then again, you raised a slut.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [about Serafina's pregnancy] First of all, are you getting sick in the mornings?
Serafina Tortelli: A little bit, but I haven't had to Clavin if that's what you mean.

John Allen Hill: All right, Miss Tortelli, just what is it?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: My daughter, Serafina, just announced that she's getting married.
John Allen Hill: [to Serafina] Congratulations. When's the baby due?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [about Serafina's wedding] Serafina, I really want to apologize about the way I acted this afternoon, and I promise I'll be on my best behavior at your next wedding.
Serafina Tortelli: [emotional with love at Carla's announcement] Oh, Ma.


"Cheers: Take Me Out of the Ball Game (#10.21)" (1992)
[Carla doesn't want to manage the bar in Sam's absence]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Oh, no, no, no, not me. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like responsibility.
Norm Peterson: What are you talking about? You have eight children.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Well, I wouldn't if I were responsible.

Cliff Clavin: You know, there's a lot of misunderstanding about rats. The rodendus vermikitis as they're called in Latin. It turns out our long tailed friend wasn't after all responsible for the dreaded bubonic plague as alleged through history. Yes, sir. It was caused by an animal called the bubon. That's right, and the threat by the way is still with us. So if anyone does see a bubon, contact your local authorities.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [looking straight at Cliff] What if we just see a boob?

[Carla has decided to visit Sam while he's on the road pitching for the Red Sox' farm team]
Sam Malone: Who's taking care of the bar?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Rebecca.
Sam Malone: [in a panic] Oh my God!
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Ah, I'm just kidding. No one!
Sam Malone: [with a sense of relief] Ah, ah. You scared me there for a second.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Maybe, you should give it a little more time, Sammy. I mean, you've only been here a few weeks. Hey look, you can't quit now, I'm not going to let you.
Sam Malone: Come on, Carla. You've supported me in all my other decisions... except for maybe, you know, going out with Diane, and selling the bar, then hiring Rebecca and you know deciding to have a kid with her and everything.
Sam Malone: [angrily] What the hell kind of friend are you anyway?


"Cheers: Whodunit? (#3.13)" (1985)
Sam Malone: What seems to be the problem here, folks?
Frasier Crane: Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner, and in the intervening hours it has been encrusted on his tie.
Cliff Clavin: Oh what, you can take Norm's tie here, put it in a kettle and make soup. Incidently, it's a little known fact that the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib, you know, to wipe your chin.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean they're thinking of changing that?
Sam Malone: Why don't you just tell the guy that he's got a spot?
Frasier Crane: [mockingly] Gee, that's an idea. Why didn't we just come to Sam in the first place? Sam, you just don't say, "there's a spot on your tie" to a man the stature of Dr. Bennett Ludlow.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: THE Bennett Ludlow?
Diane Chambers: You've heard of him, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No.
Frasier Crane: Coach, he's only one of the true giants of psychiatry: author, innovator, educator and I'm not ashamed to say my idol and inspiration.
Norm Peterson: All right, you lean over, you pretend you're admiring his tie tack, and then just nibble the morsel off really quick. Who's the wiser?!
Diane Chambers: Sam is right. We have to tell him.
Frasier Crane: Of course you're right. Oh Sam, may we have three brandies please. And I guess I'm the one who should tell him. After all, I'm the one who suggested beef wellington.
Norm Peterson: Beef wellington, you say?!
[makes a motion toward Bennett Ludlow]
Norm Peterson: Where's that tie?!
Frasier Crane: Just have to find a way to tell him as subtle and tactful a way that will allow him to preserve his dignity.
[meanwhile Carla approaches Bennett Ludlow's table]
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Pigpen. What's that thing?
[points at the crumb on his tie]
Carla Tortelli: What are you trying, to catch pidgeons? Ew.
[picks the crumb off his tie]
Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Thank you very much.
Carla Tortelli: Ah, don't mention it. I like a man who wears his dinner with pride.

Dr. Bennett Ludlow: You know Carla, I sort of have a dream girl myself.
Carla Tortelli: Oh, oh, tell me about her.
Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Well, she's a spunky, hearty, curly-haired little spitfire who doesn't know what's really good for her.
Carla Tortelli: I hope you find her someday.
Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Me too.

Carla Tortelli: [addressing everyone in the bar] OK, OK, you're all going to know eventually, so you might as well know now. I turned Benny down, and I'm pregnant again. So in case your math is bad, that makes six, count 'em six kids for an unmarried woman. I don't want your sappy looks, I don't want your charity, I don't want your sympathy. As a matter of fact, I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I just want to be left alone to live my life. Got it?
Sam Malone: Got it.
[Everyone in the bar returns to what they were doing, respecting Carla's wishes. After a few seconds, Carla turns back to everyone and notices everyone back to their previous routine.]
Carla Tortelli: What are you people made of, stone?!
[everyone rushes over to her to offer support]

Carla: I'm in love with someone else. I don't know his name. I never even met him yet. But I've had this really clear picture of him in my mind for what seems like forever. I mean, he is gonna walk into this bar one night... well, not walk, really, more like swagger, you know? Confident, but not cocky... He's okay lookin' but he's no pretty boy. He's a swell dresser. He's got on this... burgundy leather jacket. He's got cherry Life Savers in one pocket and a pack of Camels in the other. He's tryin' to quit 'em both, but he can't. His nose... it's broken in all the right places. And he's got this scar on his chin that he won't talk about. He cracks his knuckles all the time, it drives me up the wall but what are ya gonna do. He doesn't talk much... doesn't have to. He falls for me. Hard. I hurt him a few times. He gets over it. We get married. So, uh, you see, it'd be a little messy if I was already married when he got here.


"Cheers: King of the Hill (#3.15)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
Carla Tortelli: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, are you really going to play in this charity game?
Sam Malone: Yeah, you know I was out there warming up Coach, and my arm feels pretty good.
Carla Tortelli: Are you kidding me? When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, it's not cooking.
Sam Malone: All I care about is not embarrassing myself.
Carla Tortelli: Good luck.
Sam Malone: I have a right to be a little bit rusty. The only thing I've thrown in the past ten years is Diane's butt out of here.
Diane Chambers: No Sam, you're thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of here.
Sam Malone: Ah.
Carla Tortelli: [sarcastically] You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue on the subject is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
Cliff Clavin: Well, as a matter of fact, I was just about to tell Normie here that Florida is a pollution-free state. You know, you know how they treat solid waste?
Carla Tortelli: You said they treated you very well.

Diane Chambers: [about Playboy Playmates] What kind of culture do I live where they are the ideal woman?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well gee Diane, you've got to admit they are beautiful.
Diane Chambers: Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive hair cuts and those bodies, and what have you got?
Carla Tortelli: You!

Ginger: Hey, are you upset about something?
Carla Tortelli: You know what bugs me about women like you?
Ginger: What?
Carla Tortelli: You take off all your clothes, you pose for a magazine, thousands of men see you naked. I have to go to them one by one. It's not fair.


"Cheers: Head Over Hill (#10.9)" (1991)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Hey Hill, you can't order us around like that. Sammy can do anything he wants with his trash.
John Allen Hill: Yes, I see today he's dressed it up in an apron.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: I have never once said anything about anyone you have ever slept with.
Sam Malone: Oh, right. What about Diane? Every morning, you threatened to stick a hand grenade in her mouth and pull the pin. You hated her.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [matter of factly] I disapproved of her.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [referring to John Allen Hill] I marched into his office, and I started calling him bald and wrinkled, and he started calling me short and ugly, and before I knew it, our clothes were off and we were insulting each other against the filing cabinet!
Rebecca Howe: But, Carla, I mean, he is, he is...
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You know what I call him? The Bullet.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Carla, I believe I understand what happened. You two have a classic attraction-repulsion relationship. It's really a fairly common phenomenon. People who are constantly at odds with one another very often have rivers of passion raging between them, until, one day, the banks overflow in a torrent of unthinking, unreasonable emotion.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Plus, the guy's practically a contortionist.


"Cheers: The Belles of St. Clete's (#3.24)" (1985)
[Carla offers to close up the bar since Sam has a date]
Sam Malone: Oh, thank you Carla. I thank you and Debbie thanks you.
Carla Tortelli: I think you're going out with Janet tonight, bean brain.
Sam Malone: Oh, well then, Janet really thanks you.

Sam Malone: [about Drusilla Dimeglio, who is currently in the pool room] I can't believe that's the same woman whose head you were about to shave.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, yeah, I almost went through with it too. I mean, I came that close, and I could have done it easy, Sammy. I mean, she's not as young as she used to be. But, uh, I stopped. God was testing me Sam, and I passed.
Drusilla Dimeglio: [walks out from the pool room and speaks to Sam] Oh, hello there.
[addresses Carla]
Drusilla Dimeglio: Come on Carla, it's your turn.
Carla Tortelli: OK, I'll be right with you.
[Drusilla turns around and heads back to the pool room. We see that the whole left side of her head is in tact, but the whole right side is shaved of all her hair]
Carla Tortelli: I didn't say I got an 'A' Sammy, I just said I passed.

Donna Guzzo: I heard she passed away.
Carla Tortelli: Hell wouldn't take her.


"Cheers: The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec (#8.23)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality. I mean, it's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus pocus, and well, before you know it, this woman is going to be holding your hand once a week, charging you $100 a hour and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.
Carla LeBec: And how is that different from you?
[Frasier is caught off guard by the question. Pauses to think it over]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, ah... I can prescribe drugs.

[Madame Lazora, Carla's psychic, enters Cheers for the first time]
Carla LeBec: It's so good of you to come on short notice.
Madame Lazora: My pleasure. So, this is your work place. It's just as you described it. The faces of the dead linger here.
Cliff Clavin: Oh. Boy oh boy, you're in contact with the spirits already?
Madame Lazora: No. I was talking about lard butts like yourself.

[after the séance]
Carla LeBec: I'm gonna see if I can catch up with Darryl.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'm proud of you, Carla. You've made your peace with the Great Beyond.
Carla LeBec: Yeah, and now I'm gonna go grab a piece of the Great Behind.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go with grace, sweet spirit.


"Cheers: One for the Book (#1.11)" (1982)
Carla Tortelli: What are you writing, Slack?
Diane Chambers: Um, my thoughts.
Carla Tortelli: That explains all the empty pages.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You want a beer, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?
Carla Tortelli: There's a lady present, Norm.
Norm Peterson: [to Diane] Oh, sorry, Diane.

Sam Malone: Oh, sir, save your quarter. That piano hasn't worked in twenty years.
Carla Tortelli: Use the jukebox. It doesn't work, either, but it's only a dime.
Norm Peterson: Sammy, why do you keep something around that doesn't work?
Carla Tortelli: [next to Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.


"Cheers: Pitch It Again, Sam (#9.23)" (1991)
Sam: [about Dutch Richards, an old baseball nemesis who could always hit home runs off Sam] I could strike him out with one hand tied behind my back.
Carla: Worth a try, Sammy. The other way never worked.

[Carla walks out of a men's locker room]
Carla: [yells back into the locker room] That'll teach you to pinch a ladies' butt in the locker room.
Sam: The guys giving you trouble?
Carla: No, I was teaching 'em how to pinch a ladies' butt in a locker room.

Cliff Clavin: Guess what followed me home?
Carla: A slime trail?


"Cheers: Swear to God (#7.2)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: [about Sam's news that he may have fathered a child] Are you sure it's yours?
Sam Malone: No, it's between me and another guy, but the kid's a real looker, so, you know, you figure it out.

Norm Peterson: Oh Carla, you know that pitcher of beer you left on your tray? Some guy from Table 6 came and drank it.
Carla LeBec: I don't have a Table 6.
Norm Peterson: I knew I should have said Table 5.

[after Sam has made a vow to God to give up sex, Sam and Carla argue about what they see as possible signs from God]
Carla LeBec: Let's face it Sam, that was a warning and you better take heed.
Sam Malone: OK, come on, what's he going to do?
Carla LeBec: Well, my cousin Tino...
Sam Malone: Yeah?
Carla LeBec: ...swore he'd give up meat. That night, he ate a burger. The next day, his teeth fell out.
Sam Malone: Oh, come on Carla, there's no connection, here. I swore would not have sex, so... Oh, oh, oh...


"Cheers: Tan 'N' Wash (#5.6)" (1986)
Carla Tortelli: You know Diane, you shouldn't be investing in a tanning salon, you ought to be using one. You've got skin the color of Elmer's glue.
Diane Chambers: I happen to have what restoration poets refer to as alabaster skin.
Sam Malone: Well, at least your hair looks nice.

Carla Tortelli: So, what's the deal with the Tan 'N' Wash?
Norm Peterson: For a new business, I'd say Tan 'N' Wash is doing as well as can be expected.
Carla Tortelli: Oh yeah? I dropped by this morning and the only customer in the place was a lonely woman kicking the hell out of a jammed change machine.
Norm Peterson: Oh, come on.
Carla Tortelli: By the way, you owe me a quarter and a new pair of shoes.

Carla Tortelli: Hey Frasier, you know there's something I've always been meaning to ask you. What was your reaction the first time you saw Diane naked?
[Carla slaps Frasier on his sunburned back]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [screams] Owwwe-ah!


"Cheers: 2 Good 2 Be 4 Real (#4.7)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: [about her brutally honest personal ad] Oh sure, I could tell 'em I got no kids, right? I could tell them that I'm twenty-one, five-nine, gorgeous green eyes, flaming red hair, and ta-ta's till Tuesday. How am I going to explain to him how I really look when he sees me?
Sam Malone: Stress?
Carla Tortelli: Hey! All right! Next time I spill my guts, remind me to do it in front of friends.
Sam Malone: I'm just trying to cheer you up.
Carla Tortelli: I am in no mood to be cheered up. Next guy tries to cheer me up is going to get open face surgery.
[Carla storms out of the room]
Norm Peterson: I don't get it. She's got ta-ta's till Monday afternoon at least.

[Carla has just found out that Mitch the airline pilot does not exist, and she is ready to head off on a date with Vinnie]
Carla Tortelli: Hey Vinnie, could you do me a favor?
[Vinnie nods positively]
Carla Tortelli: Just for tonight, could you pretend that your name is Mitch, and that you're an airline pilot?
Vinnie Claussen: Well, I guess, if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.
Carla Tortelli: You're weird. I like that.

Sam Malone: Before I start, do me a favor, would you? Stick your hands in your pockets and keep 'em there until I finish.
Carla Tortelli: What's going on?
Sam Malone: Just humor me, will you?
Carla Tortelli: [putting her hands in her pockets] Okay, but don't start in on me about going out with this Claussen guy. He's all right, but he's no Mitch.
Sam Malone: Listen to me. Mitch doesn't exist. The guys and I made him up.
Carla Tortelli: You what?
Sam Malone: Well, you were so depressed, we figured we had to do something, so we made the guy up, wrote the letters, and rented a post office box for you to write to him.
[Carla kicks him in the shin]
Sam Malone: [stumbling into the men's room and back out] Ow! Damn. Ow. Damn, I forgot about the feet.


"Cheers: Carla Loves Clavin (#9.22)" (1991)
Woody Boyd: Carla, are you going to try out for this contest?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: I don't think so.
Woody Boyd: You heard Sam. It's not about looks this year.

[unprovoked, Carla pushes Cliff off his bar stool]
Cliff Clavin: What did you do that for?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: It's nothing personal. Just letting off steam.
Cliff Clavin: Why didn't you push Norm off his stool?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You don't know much about physics, do you?

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Norm, I got to ask you a question.
Norm Peterson: All right.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Over the years, I've been pretty bad to Clavin. I've done some things that maybe I shouldn't have: called him names, punctured his tires, set fire to his hair...
Norm Peterson: What's your question?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Do you think he noticed?


"Cheers: Loverboyd (#8.22)" (1990)
Carla LeBec: [about Norm cheating in the draw to decide the bar's designated driver for the evening] How many times have you done this?
Norm Peterson: Well, I'm embarrassed to say this is my very first time.
Carla LeBec: This is the first time you've cheated?
Norm Peterson: Oh, I thought you meant getting caught.

Carla LeBec: Yoh, Becs. What's this thing you have against rich people? I mean, you're dating a rich guy. You want to be rich yourself, right?
Rebecca Howe: Yes. And when I am rich, I will stop hating rich people, and start hating poor people. It's the American way.

Carla LeBec: No suds tonight, Norm. You are still our designated driver, remember?
Norm Peterson: I know that, you know that, but did you have to call every bar in town and tell them?


"Cheers: I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday (#4.6)" (1985)
Norm Peterson: Hey, you're always giving the Hungry Heifer a bad rap. I don't get it. So, I've had a few bad meals there, but it's the best value in town. Woody, their steaks come by the pound.
Woody Boyd: Boy, the steaks are that big?
Carla Tortelli: No, that's where they get them.

Sam Malone: [about the $500 he leant Diane] What did she spend it on?
Carla Tortelli: A book.
Sam Malone: A book.
Carla Tortelli: A book.
Sam Malone: One book?
Carla Tortelli: One single, five hundred dollar book. And it's already been a movie.

Woody Boyd: Well, I'll tell you something Mr. Clavin, whether you set the record or not, everyone here considers you a winner.
Carla Tortelli: That's pronounced 'wiener'.


"Cheers: Fear Is My Co-Pilot (#4.21)" (1986)
Jack Dalton: [to Diane] My God, you look pale. You folks should have seen her frolicking in the surf in Mykonos. Her little bottom was as brown as a berry.
Carla Tortelli: The Stick running around buck naked?!
Diane Chambers: It was a semi-private beach.
Sam Malone: It used to be a semi-private bottom.

Woody Boyd: Every day at five, this guy comes in and blabbers and blabbers, talks my ear off. I don't know what to do.
Carla Tortelli: Why don't you do what I do - tell him to shut his fat, ugly mouth.
Woody Boyd: Oh, no, it's not Mr. Clavin.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Woody, Woody, calm yourself; there's no need for concern. I'm sure he's just a lonely man who wandered in here one day and found a sympathetic ear. Unfortunately, indulging him will only aggravate the problem. You see, people in this situation have a tendency to prattle on endlessly, totally unaware of how others are receiving this unwanted, innocuous information. Now the next time a neurotic personality such as this gets off on one of these jags, just turn your back and walk away.
[Everybody walks away from Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Because, you see, the important thing is... just a second, I want to... Oh, you merry band!
[laughs]


"Cheers: Sam's Women (#1.2)" (1982)
Norm Peterson: How's the kids?
Carla Tortelli: Two of 'em are ugly, one's obnoxious, and one's just stupid. He's my favorite.

[Carla is proving to Diane how shallow Sam is when it comes to women]
Carla Tortelli: [knocking on Sam's office door] Sam, would you come out here for a second?
Sam Malone: Carla, never disturb me.
[Sam notices Brandee]
Sam Malone: Unless there's a customer.


"Cheers: Norman's Conquest (#2.20)" (1984)
Carla Tortelli: [to Norm, about having sex with a client] Norman, I think that you better give the lady what she wants. She is a client. If you don't come across, she's going to drop you like a bad habit.
Diane Chambers: Norman, has it come to this? Are you going to sell your virtue to the first person who buys you a drink in a bar? If you were a woman, I think we'd have a name for you.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I kinda like Becky. I realize Norma is closer, you only have to add "U" "H".

Cliff Clavin: [about Norm's lying about a sexual conquest] Boy what a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.
Carla Tortelli: I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either.


"Cheers: Teacher's Pet (#3.16)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: [after Sam walks into his office and the door closes behind him] He's locked his door.
Carla Tortelli: [in mock horror] Ooohh, and we're locked out here with you.

Sam Malone: Carla, what do you know about Geography?
Carla Tortelli: I know what creek you're up.


"Cheers: Thanksgiving Orphans (#5.9)" (1986)
Diane: What could be more enjoyable than opening your heart this holiday season?
Carla: Opening yours with a can opener?

Norm Peterson: I think something's wrong with your oven, Carla.
Carla: Hey, my oven was just fine until you stuffed Birdzilla in it!


"Cheers: Home Is the Sailor (#6.1)" (1987)
Sam Malone: I can't believe the number of changes around here. Thank God, you're still pregnant, huh? Who's the lucky guy?
Carla Tortelli: Everybody but Eddie LeBec.

Woody Boyd: Sam, what happened to your round the world sail?
Sam Malone: Well, it kind of lost some of it's appeal, Woody, after I sank.
Woody Boyd, Carla Tortelli, Dr. Frasier Crane: Sank? Where?
Sam Malone: Somewhere in the Caribbean.
Woody Boyd: You must feel terrible.
Sam Malone: Well, no, not really. You know, a lot of good came out of it. I discovered a reef that nobody had ever heard of. They even named it after me: No Brains Atoll.


"Cheers: Rat Girl (#9.24)" (1991)
Frasier: [to Lilith] Darling. What's wrong? You look so somber.
Carla: How can you tell?
Frasier: [aside to Carla] Took a shot, got lucky.

Frasier: [about Lilith] Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse?
Carla: Just a wild guess. A snack?


"Cheers: Home Malone (#9.25)" (1991)
Sam Malone: Say, Carla, I'm babysitting tonight. You got any advice for me?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sure. Here's everything you need to know about babies. Remember, you're the boss.
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, stick a bottle in their mouth.
Sam Malone: Great, OK, great.
[Sam leaves and Kelly, who has just started working as a waitress at the bar, enters]
Kelly Gaines: OK, I'm ready.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: OK. Here's everything you need to know about customers. Remember, you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, just stick a bottle in their mouths.

Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [about Kelly] She really is dumber than cotton.
[Woody enters]
Woody Boyd: Hi, Carla.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Hi, Cotton.


"Cheers: A Diminished Rebecca with a Suspended Cliff (#10.17)" (1992)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Can I help you?
Henderson: Do you have a Clavin here?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Yeah, but it hasn't been flushing right lately.

[Rebecca is rushing out of the bar]
Rebecca Howe: Somebody cover for me.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Cover for what? You don't do anything around here?
Rebecca Howe: [sarcastically] Ha-ha.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [to Sam] Seriously, what does she do around here, anyway?
[Sam shrugs]


"Cheers: Cheerio, Cheers (#3.22)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: You know, this morning I was thinking I'm not married, I'm carrying my sixth kid, I'm broke, I live in squalor. I'm having a crisis of faith.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, come on, Carla, don't talk like that.
Carla Tortelli: Well, would a just God be putting me through this, Coach?
Cliff Clavin: Well, Carla, I know it looks sort of bleak out there. But, uh, you just have to have patience. Remember Job.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Cliffie's right, honey. You got a good "jobe" here. You're in great health.
Carla Tortelli: I don't know.
[Carla walks away]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Cliff, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of Carla, but you pronounce the word "job".

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Carla, what are you looking for, a sign from God? Religious belief is based on faith.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, well, I never thought I'd say this, Coach, but I think I've lost faith.
Sam Malone: [entering from his office] Hey, listen up, everybody. I have an announcement to make. Diane here is leaving for Europe, and she's... she's not going to be back to Cheers ever.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Aww...
[Carla falls to her knees and clasps her hands together]
Carla Tortelli: [singing] I believe, for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. I believe that somewhere in the darkest night, a candle glows.


"Cheers: Those Lips, Those Ice (#7.5)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: Listen Eddie. I want you to promise me something. I want you to promise me that if you ever find someone who makes you happier than I do, that you'll tell me.
Eddie LeBec: Oh yeah, right.
Carla LeBec: What do you mean by that?
Eddie LeBec: You'd kill me.
Carla LeBec: No, I won't. Now tell me the truth: are you having an affair?
Eddie LeBec: No.
Carla LeBec: Did you believe me when I said I wouldn't kill you?
Eddie LeBec: No.
Carla LeBec: Then if you were having an affair, you would still be saying no.
Eddie LeBec: Yes. And if I were having an affair, I'd still say no. Honey look, I got to tell you something. I have a real bad headache from this conversation. I need to lie down in a dark room.

[Sam tries to convince Carla to be nicer to Eddie when she suspects that Eddie may be cheating on her, attacks him when he enters the bar and vows to kill "the horny little frog"]
Sam Malone: Murder is not the answer to every one of life's little problems, you know that? First of all, you don't even know if he did anything wrong. And second, if he was a little tempted, maybe you pushed him into it.
Carla LeBec: Oh, what are you talking about?
Sam Malone: Did you ever think that maybe you aren't exactly nice to the guy?
Carla LeBec: Sammy, you know me! This is as nice as it gets!
Sam Malone: But this is the way you handle everything in your life, and it never works.
Carla LeBec: OK, o god of good relationships, what do *you* suggest I do?
Alan: Carla... Carla, you've got to let Eddie know how you feel inside. You must embrace him, not... not just with your heart, but with your very soul! Give unto him, and he will give unto you!
Norm Peterson: [Points at Alan] OK, no more for this clown!
Sam Malone: Listen, I'm talking about the occasional back rub. The general all-around pampering. You know, maybe buy one of those low-cut, frilly dresses...
Rebecca Howe: Oh, you mean that "total woman" BS? I find that completely repulsive.
Sam Malone: [to Rebecca] Well, that explains all the men beating down your door, doesn't it?
Sam Malone: Sweetheart, listen. You've got to become the ideal woman. You know, treat him like a god. Cater to his every whim.
Carla LeBec: Ew, yuck! I can't do that! I can't do frilly!
Sam Malone: You know what they say: You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Woody Boyd: Maybe I shouldn't be butting in here, but you can catch the most with dead squirrels.


"Cheers: Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? (#10.8)" (1991)
[the gang is talking about Kevin McHale's obsession with bar trivia, Carla who is blaming Norm and Cliff in particular]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You're like vampires - big butted, do-nothing vampires. And now you're trying to make Kevin one of your recruits. Well, I say it's got to stop. I'm not going to let you screw up his career.
Sam Malone: Come on. Lighten up, will ya. It's just Kevin's getting a little carried away with bolts, that's all.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Yeah, sure Sammy. Today it's how many bolts are in the floor. Tomorrow, they'll have him onto if the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes, who's going to eat who first.
Woody Boyd: They'll probably eat the maid cause she ain't kin.
Cliff Clavin: Well, you know but if they're smart, they'll ask her first how she should best prepare herself.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [Lilith walks in from the ladies' room and gets her coat from one of the chairs] Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.
Rebecca Howe: Aren't you going to get your hair done for that?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Why on earth should I?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean if that baby goes, we're all dead.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair hasn't seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Watch it, babe!
[Lilith and Carla Face off]


"Cheers: Dark Imaginings (#4.19)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Does Sam's behavior give you pause? Me thinks the man doth protest too much.
Woody Boyd: Excuse me Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be 'I thinks'?
Carla Tortelli: Not in your case, Woody.

Carla Tortelli: Let me tell you something, Sammy. When you're eighty-seven, you'll still be a hunk to me. Of course, I'll be senile and blind.
Sam Malone: And pregnant.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, probably.


"Cheers: Death Takes a Holiday on Ice (#8.7)" (1989)
Gloria LeBec: I want to talk to you.
Carla LeBec: Yeah? I want to scratch you bald, paint your butt blue and mail you to Guam.
Gloria LeBec: I'd like to see you try.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, I'd like to see that too actually.

Carla LeBec: I bet the only reason he married you was because he knocked you up.
Gloria LeBec: How do you know that?
Carla LeBec: Babe's intuition.
Gloria LeBec: Yeah? Well, maybe that's the same reason he married you.
Carla LeBec: Yeah, but with me, it wasn't a cheap thrill. It was a very tender moment in the back of a Datsun hatchback.
Gloria LeBec: [raises her hand] Toyota Corolla. Front seat.
Cliff Clavin: All right ladies, ladies, let's stop right now, huh? Uh, all this talk about conceiving your children in these cars. This makes me sick. Doesn't anybody buy American anymore?


"Cheers: Norm's First Hurrah (#5.23)" (1987)
Cliff Clavin: Boy oh boy, talk about your lucky days, huh, I just found twenty smackers back there in the pool room. And to celebrate my good fortune, I'm going to buy a round a drinks for all my friends.
Carla Tortelli: What are you going to do with the other nineteen bucks?
Sam Malone: Woody, that could be your twenty dollar bill, the one you lost.
Woody Boyd: Hey yeah, you know I was in the pool room earlier.
Cliff Clavin: Hey, wait a second. Let's be fair about this. Give me the serial number.
Sam Malone: Oh, come on man. Nobody knows serial numbers.
Woody Boyd: L21886119B
Cliff Clavin: [hands the bill to Woody] That's amazing.
Sam Malone: How did you do that?
Woody Boyd: I memorize the serial numbers on all my currency.
Sam Malone: Why?
Woody Boyd: For just such an occasion. Tell you though, I pray every day I don't get rich.

Norm Peterson: I'm going to pitch it to my supervisor tomorrow, but I tell you, I'm a little nervous about putting my butt on the line.
Carla Tortelli: How do you think the line feels?


"Cheers: Cheers Has Chili (#9.21)" (1991)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: That's no reason for you to be a cheater.
Sam Malone: But you're the one who told me to cheat.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, I said to kill her. Cheating's wrong.

Woody Boyd: Mom finally sent out Grandma Meg's pressure cooker, so last night I whipped up a batch of chili.
Norm Peterson: Oh!
Woody Boyd: Do you want to try some?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec, Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson, Dr. Frasier Crane, Pete: Oh yeah. Sure.
Woody Boyd: From an old family recipe.
Pete: Your Grandma's?
Woody Boyd: Nah, this old family that lived down the road.


"Cheers: The Big Kiss-Off (#6.24)" (1988)
Norm Peterson: There's nothing wrong with sweating. I myself have perspired once or twice.
Carla LeBec: We could grow rice.

Carla LeBec: [about Sam and Woody] They got a bet. They want to see who can kiss you by the end of the shift tonight.
Rebecca Howe: Why would they do such an asinine, juvenile thing?
Carla LeBec: Look at the contestants.


"Cheers: Affairs of the Heart (#2.6)" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: I hate it when they call me 'Cutie'.
Diane Chambers: Well, I do know how you feel. Earlier tonight, a customer had the affrontery to refer to me as 'Honey'.
Carla Tortelli: But that makes sense. Honey is bee barf.

Henry 'Hank' Zenzola: [about his heart] I have a serious problem.
Carla Tortelli: You do?
Diane Chambers: [about the Coach] He also said that any exertion could be very dangerous for you.
Sam Malone: And so, we thought we'd catch you before you and Carla...
Henry 'Hank' Zenzola: ...exerted.
Sam Malone: Yeah.


"Cheers: My Fair Clavin (#6.11)" (1987)
Cliff Clavin: Listen up everybody. Clifford Clavin has decided to make a major life change.
Carla LeBec: Don't bother. You'd be a dorky woman too.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Rebecca] May I suggest something that seems to have worked for many of my patients?
Carla LeBec: What, changing doctors?


"Cheers: Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl (#11.10)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: Everybody, I want you to meet my father. You can just call him Brig - that's his nickname. They call him Brig because he put so many sailors in jail.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Then why don't they call me Brig?

Sam Malone: You can't, you're not just going to pack up and go live in San Diego?
Rebecca Howe: [about her father] Why not? Who am I kidding. You heard him. I'm just a failure here in Boston.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Oh sure, I say it five years ago and get yelled at.


"Cheers: Call Me, Irresponsible (#7.20)" (1989)
Carla LeBec: Woody, what time is it?
Woody Boyd: Don't go by my watch. I always set it ten minutes ahead so I won't be late for things.
Carla LeBec: You were late this morning.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, I know. I couldn't find my watch.

Carla LeBec: Hey everybody. Listen up. I want you all to repeat after me: 'I am a very stupid person.'
Everyone in the Bar: I am a very stupid person.
Carla LeBec: 'And I will never doubt the undying love and total commitment that exists, always has existed, and will always exist, between Carla and Eddie LeBec.'
[long pause]
Everyone in the Bar: I am a very stupid person.


"Cheers: The Gift of the Woodi (#7.19)" (1989)
Carla LeBec: Rich people stink. I hate 'em. I hate their soft shoes. The way they're too relaxed to sweat. You know what I hate most about rich people?: I'm not one of 'em.
Woody Boyd: Yeah, Carla. You sweat like a longshoreman.

Carla LeBec: [after seeing Rebecca dressing up and trying to adopt the same demeanor as Lilith] Sheesh! Two Liliths! This is like a nightmare I had once.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sounding shocked] You too?


"Cheers: The Stork Brings a Crane (#8.6)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [reading a newspaper article] "100 years ago today, a new tavern opened at 112-1/2 Beacon Street."
Cliff Clavin: Wait, wait, a mailman never forgets an address, now. Why is 112-1/2 Beacon Street sending a message to my brain?
Carla LeBec: Probably because you're sitting on it.
Cliff Clavin: Carla, I hate it when you make those sitting on my brain jokes.
Norm Peterson: Cliffy, she meant 112-1/2 Beacon Street. That's Cheers' address. You're sitting here.
Carla LeBec: No, I was making a Cliff sitting on his brain joke.
Cliff Clavin: [to Norm] See, I told you. Thank you, Carla.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, the child will be born when the child is ready to be born.
Cliff Clavin: Well, enjoy your freedom, Lilith. Cause once you've gone through the unspeakable horror of childbirth and the painful drudgery of parenthood, you'll spend the rest of your life wishing you'd sold the little brat to the gypsies.
Carla LeBec: How would you know?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, that's what my Ma tells me.


"Cheers: Sam Turns the Other Cheek (#3.5)" (1984)
Carla Tortelli: I am never going to be afraid to go to the dentist again. I found a way to communicate with him.
Norm Peterson: How was that?
Carla Tortelli: Well, as he leaned in with his drill, I grabbed him where I knew I could get his attention, and I said, "We're not going to hurt each other, are we."
Diane Chambers: Carla, did that work?
Carla Tortelli: We're having a late dinner.

Carla Tortelli: What a night! Two hundred bucks in tips.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What are you going to do with all that money, Carla?
Carla Tortelli: I'm going to spend it all on my kids.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Good girl.
Carla Tortelli: How many gunney sacks and one-way tickets do you think it'll buy?


"Cheers: Slumber Party Massacred (#6.22)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: Sam, I gotta get this over with. Listen, there's something I gotta ask you and I don't want you to take it the wrong way.
Sam Malone: What is it?
Carla LeBec: Would you come to dinner at my house tonight?
Sam Malone: Hey, I thought we were friends.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [about slumber party pranks] According to my patient, when the first person falls asleep, the others take her underwear, dip it in water, and then put it in the icebox for an hour to freeze it solid.
Carla LeBec: Or they could let you wear it for ten minutes.


"Cheers: The Bar Stoolie (#4.10)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Cliffy.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah?
Sam Malone: Telephone.
Carla Tortelli: Somebody wants to talk to Cliff?
Norm Peterson: This is a first, bud. I don't think anyone's ever called you here before.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, I know who this is. It's a tootsie on my route who's been eyeing the cut of my jib through her Levelors. Yeah, old man's probably out of town, she's looking for a little C.O.D.: Cliffy On Demand.

Carla Tortelli: Sammy, your beer distributor, he says there's some problem with next month's order.
Sam Malone: Well, let him talk to Woody. Woody handled it last month.
Carla Tortelli: I think that's the problem.


"Cheers: Uncle Sam Wants You (#9.26)" (1991)
Sam: Do you think guys have a biological clock, you know like they know when it's time to have a kid?
Carla: Oh yeah, usually when they say, "Carla, do you want to go out tonight?".

Carla: [about Sam wanting to have a child] Do you have a mother picked out?
Sam: No, not really.
Carla: Oh, does that mean, uh, you're not going to ask me?
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry, you know, I didn't think about you. Yeah, would you?
Carla: [incredulously] What, are you nuts? Do you think I'm going to go through labor an eighth time because you're a little lonely? Selfish bastard.


"Cheers: Don Juan Is Hell (#4.11)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: [about Diane] Oh Sam, would you please see if you could light a fire under the Stick. She's been goofing off for an hour.
Sam Malone: Oh yeah?
Carla Tortelli: Yeah. She's got to write some paper about sex and she can't think of anything to write about.
Sam Malone: You're kidding me? She's studied for a whole year at Sammy State.
[Sam runs over to Diane]
Sam Malone: Hey there. I hear you're writing a paper on sex. Is there any way I can help out?
Diane Chambers: Thank you, Sam. This paper is on 'human' sexuality.

Sam Malone: [reading the cover page of the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] "The Don Juan Syndrome in Modern Culture - An Analysis of..."
[he stumbles on the final word]
Sam Malone: "... Satyriasis". Oh man, she did it. She even made my sex life boring.
Carla Tortelli: And not for the first time.


"Cheers: Cheers: The Motion Picture (#5.24)" (1987)
Cliff Clavin: [about his role in the US Postal Service] I'm only one link in this chain - a strong link, a vital link.
Carla Tortelli: A missing link.

[Diane has just shown her edited version of Sam's home movie. It's awful]
Diane Chambers: [about why she gave herself the only end credit in the movie] It's just that I felt I transformed your film into a personal statement that was pure Diane Chambers.
Carla Tortelli: It was pure something.


"Cheers: Crash of the Titans (#9.19)" (1991)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.
John Allen Hill: Thank you. Tell me Carla, clinically speaking, are you considered a dwarf or a midget?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Say, is that your head, or is your neck blowing a bubble?
John Allen Hill: Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. A gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You know, two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.
John Allen Hill: Shrike.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Bullet-head.
John Allen Hill: Slattern.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Hatchet-face.
John Allen Hill: [in a friendly tone after he looks at his watch] Well, must be off. Till next Monday.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [to Norm and Cliff, admiringly about Hill] He's good people.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [to Rebecca] Why do you want Cheers? I would think, for you, this bar would only have negative associations connected with it. Well, think of all the heartbreak you've had here, the forgotten goals, the missed opportunities...
Norm Peterson: Hey, it's called atmosphere, babe.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I would would think, for you, this place would have the stench of failure.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, that's Clavin. And FYI, it's not just failure.
Rebecca Howe: You know, actually Lilith, I had more productive, successful times at Cheers than I've had any other place in my life.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [in shock] Oh, Dear God!


"Cheers: Truce or Consequences (#1.8)" (1982)
Sam Malone: [about Carla and Diane] You straighten everything out, the two of you?
Carla Tortelli: Oh yeah. You know, it was great. She got sickening, and I told the biggest lie I could think of, and she started to sing.
Sam Malone: Why did you do that?
Carla Tortelli: She brings out the little devil in me, Sam. I don't know - I was getting a buzz on, feeling a little loose, I decided just to have a little fun with her.
Sam Malone: What did you tell her?
Carla Tortelli: Sam. It's something I told Diane and she swore she would never tell another living soul... She'll tell you tomorrow.

Carla Tortelli: You sound like a lady who is getting tired of her teeth.
Diane Chambers: I'm tired of your teeth and all the vermicelli in-between.


"Cheers: How to Marry a Mailman (#8.4)" (1989)
Margaret 'Maggie' O'Keefe: I can't tell you how hard these months of separation have been. The men up in Canada, well they just don't compare to you.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, oh.
Margaret 'Maggie' O'Keefe: They're just pale, pathetic imitations of you Cliff.
Carla LeBec: Boy, that must be one butt ugly country.

Cliff Clavin: I'll just stand in front of that whatchamacallit that blows hot air.
Carla LeBec: You mean the automatic Clavin.


"Cheers: Sumner's Return (#2.5)" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: [to Sumner] You slime. You are a total scuzzball. You're not fit to live with sewer rats.
Prof. Sumner Sloan: I can't defend myself.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: God, I thought she was talking to me.

Carla Tortelli: [hearing Sam and Diane arguing] You're not just doing this to get my hopes up, are you?


"Frasier: Cheerful Goodbyes (#9.21)" (2002)
Carla: Frasier, we were so close and then you had to show up and ruin everything.

[speeches at Cliff's retirement party]
Carla: I'd like to say that I'll miss you... but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs. I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing. The way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier: Carla!
Carla: Back off, I'm toasting! The 20 years I have known you would have been less painful if I were covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats! But now, finally you're leaving! I know I am not as young as I used to be, but I can live again! I can live again! Finally, I can live!
[she laughs maniacally, then subsides as she notices everyone staring at her]
Carla: Anyway, God bless.


"Cheers: The Cranemakers (#7.16)" (1989)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Carla, sister-woman, why didn't you ever share with me the religious wonder of this experience when *you* were great with child?
Carla LeBec: I was too busy puking.

Dr. Frasier Crane: So all we need to do now is buy a stout axe and a plot of land in the wilderness.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: And I'll stand by your side and bear your young and cook your meals.
Carla LeBec: Try not to get them mixed up.


"Cheers: The Mail Goes to Jail (#3.17)" (1985)
Cliff Clavin: [after Cliff comes into the bar during the middle of his postal route, carrying his mail bag] As long as I'm carrying this bag, there's one thing that will never touch these lips.
Carla Tortelli: You mean there's something that wants to?

Cliff Clavin: What happened to the heat, Coach?
Diane Chambers: Oh, some minor malfunction that no one here is skilled enough to even attempt to fix.
Norm Peterson: Diane, I resent that, I'm kind of a handy guy; I'll have you know, just the other day, I uh, changed one of them, uh... what do you call them?
Carla Tortelli: A lightbulb?
Norm Peterson: Lightbulb, there you go!


"Cheers: I Call Your Name (#3.3)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: I'm having a bad day. Aren't I allowed to have a bad day?
Carla Tortelli: Sure, you've given us plenty. Keep one for yourself.

Diane Chambers: This problem is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane. Suffice it to say, he insists on making mountains out of mole hills.
Carla Tortelli: He wants you to wear a padded bra?


"Cheers: The Boys in the Bar (#1.16)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: This afternoon, I spent five entire hours in a sensory deprivation tank.
Carla Tortelli: Your room?

Diane Chambers: Carla, you're not prejudiced against gays, are you?
Carla Tortelli: Well, I'm not exactly crazy about 'em. I mean, I get enough competition from women. I'm telling you, if guys keep coming out of the closet, there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls.
[Carla looks over at Diane and shudders in horror]
Diane Chambers: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much, but a little.


"Cheers: Airport V (#6.19)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: [explaining why she's afraid to fly] The first time in an airplane, it was on my honeymoon with Nick. We were going to New York, a short flight, no problem, right?! Well suddenly, the plane hits turbulence, right?! Me and Nick were thrown all around that bathroom. I haven't flown since.

Sam Malone: Carla wants to visit Eddie on the west coast but she's afraid to fly.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What do you mean by afraid to fly, what, um, she's clausterphobic, agoraphobic or acraphobic?
Carla LeBec: Deathaphobic.


"Cheers: They Called Me Mayday (#2.9)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [about Diane] I don't like the look on her face.
Carla Tortelli: I haven't seen one I do like.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I just came back from doing some laps in the pool.
Carla Tortelli: How many of them?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Huh? Three. Takes about an hour.
Cliff Clavin: Hey Coach, that's kind of slow, isn't it?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I could run a hell of a lot faster if they got the water out of there.


"Cheers: Coach in Love: Part 2 (#3.7)" (1984)
Sam Malone: Oh, Carla, boy I hate to criticize, but I can't actually believe you read these sleazy scandal sheets?! I mean, look at this. I'm even above this. "Bigfoot Stole My Wife". "Have Aliens Taken Over Your Pet?" I mean, this is garbage.
Carla Tortelli: For your information Sam, I don't read those articles. I think they're just as stupid as you do. I get it because they happen to have a great crossword puzzle.
Carla Tortelli: [sits and starts working the the puzzle] OK, let's see. 7-across, "Five-headed cow born in Vermont".
[pauses]
Carla Tortelli: Maybelle.
[starts writing]
Carla Tortelli: 16-across, "State with the most UFO babies". Arkansas.
[writes]
Sam Malone: [mutters incredulously] I don't believe this.
Carla Tortelli: 32-across, "Aphrodisiac found in every kitchen cabinet".
[Sam secretly starts showing some interest, but still feigns disinterest]
Carla Tortelli: Uh, I don't know what that one is. Let me see what 14-down is. "Where Franco's brain is being kept alive". Fishtank. OK, so, the fifth letter of the aphrodisiac is an A. Now I remember: oregano.
Sam Malone: [Sam secretly grabs a napkin and pen, and starts scribbling "oregano"] Trash.

Sam Malone: Hey, Diane. Surprise
[holds up a brown paper bag]
Sam Malone: Found something else of yours lying around my place.
[pulls out a garrish looking red and black teddy from the bag and holds it up to Diane]
Sam Malone: Remember this?
Diane Chambers: Good Lord. Is that for wearing or for signalling aircraft?!
Sam Malone: Well, this is your teddy isn't it?
Diane Chambers: I don't know which of your mindless bimbi left that in your apartment. If she paid money for it, she should be seen to and chemically altered.
Sam Malone: Hey, what, what, you don't like the color?
Diane Chambers: What made you think that was mine?
Sam Malone: Well, you're the only person I know that shops at those fancy French places.
[shows Diane the teddy's label]
Diane Chambers: "The House of Ooh-La-La". Get it away from me. It's horrendous.
Carla Tortelli: [walks in and sees the teddy. picks it up. gushes.] Wow! This is lovely.
Sam Malone: Do you want it?
Carla Tortelli: Me? Oh, I can't take this Sam.
Sam Malone: Oh, no, please.
Carla Tortelli: God, Thanks.
[gushes]
Carla Tortelli: Ah. From "The House of Ooh-La-La".


"Cheers: Sunday Dinner (#11.12)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Sam] I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

Party Guest #2: Hi, sexy. What are you going to be doing after work tonight?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Trying to forget you asked me that.


"Cheers: The Norm Who Came to Dinner (#10.4)" (1991)
Rebecca Howe: Carla, do you think I'm going to make a good mother?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Nope?
Rebecca Howe: What do you mean?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You asked me a question, I gave you an answer.
Rebecca Howe: But, I'm serious.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Well, sorry, I'm just being honest.
Rebecca Howe: No, you're not being honest. You're being mean.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sometimes you get a twofer.


"Cheers: Suspicion (#4.14)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Is it possible that occasionally you people might spend an afternoon doing something that actually involves intelligent thought?
Sam Malone: Like what?
Diane Chambers: I can't conceive.
Carla Tortelli: And we can all breathe a sigh of relief for that.


"Cheers: Someone Single, Someone Blue (#1.20)" (1983)
Diane: [learning her mother is coming to visit] This is very strange.
Carla Tortelli: That you have a mother?
Diane: No.
Carla Tortelli: That you have a mother that wants to see you?


"Cheers: The Executive's Executioner (#3.21)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: [approaches a seated customer] Bye. It's been a pleasure, sir.
Michael: Thanks.
[gets up from the table and leaves a 25-cent tip]
Carla Tortelli: Wait a minute.
[grabs his arm]
Carla Tortelli: Is this for me?
[points at the quarter, picks it up]
Michael: Yes.
Carla Tortelli: [excitedly, to everyone in the bar] Whoa wow, a quarter!
[holds up the coin]
Carla Tortelli: He left me a whole quarter.
Michael: Hey look...
Carla Tortelli: Considering all that great service I gave him, I was expecting a big tip, but nothing of this magnitude.
Michael: Would you hold on...
Carla Tortelli: That does it. Thanks to him, I am on easy street. Now, I'm going to retire.
[kisses the quarter]
Michael: Hey look, all right. I'll give you some more, OK? Here. Do you have change for a ten?
[hands out a $10 bill]
Carla Tortelli: Yeah.
[grabs the $10 bill and gives him back the quarter]
Carla Tortelli: Now beat it.


"Cheers: Cry Harder (#8.26)" (1990)
Jim Montgomery: [talking for the Lillian Corporation Board of Directors] We know you've been trying to buy back this bar for some time now, and we've decided as a token of our gratitude, the least we can do is sell it to you at a reduced price.
Sam Malone: You're kidding. How much?
Jim Montgomery: One dollar. Take it or leave it.
Sam Malone: This bar? I give you a dollar and this bar is mine?
Jim Montgomery: That's right, Mr. Malone. Nice catch.
Sam Malone: I can't believe this, this bar is mine, all I have to do is give you a doll...
[Sam looks into his empty wallet]
Sam Malone: Oh, sh, shoot, shoot...
Sam Malone: [to Norm and Frasier] Hey, give me a dollar, huh.
Norm Peterson: I'm all tapped out, Sam.
[Frasier shrugs]
Sam Malone: Hey, anybody, pl... Hey Woody, give me a dollar, man.
Woody Boyd: Hey, you already owe me a dollar, Sam.
Carla LeBec: Sam, I got a quarter.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, hey Sammy, here's a dime.
Pete: Here's four bits.
Sam Malone: Right. I, uh, OK I got eighty-five cents here.
Jim Montgomery: I'll take it.
Sam Malone: Hey, guys. I low-balled him.


"Cheers: One Hugs, the Other Doesn't (#10.16)" (1992)
[Carla is talking on the telephone]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [yelling] This is sick. Just stop harrassing me. You'll get your money when I'm good and ready. And if you try to contact me at the workplace one more time, I'm going to turn you over to the authorities.
[Carla slams down the telephone]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [to Norm] Jerk!
Norm Peterson: Which one of your kids was that?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: That was not one of my kids. I don't talk to my kids that way.
Cliff Clavin: Bill collector then, huh?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, it was my mother. Her social security check is late. Like it's my fault that she's getting old.
[Carla walks away]
Rebecca Howe: [to Norm and Cliff] Did you hear the way she talked to her mother. I could never talk to my mother like that.
Rebecca Howe: [running after Carla] Hey Carla, could you give my mom a call?


"Cheers: Rebound: Part 2 (#3.2)" (1984)
Frasier Crane: Carla, why do you keep on building walls between yourself and everyone else?
Carla Tortelli: Have you taken a good look at everyone else?
Frasier Crane: Touché.


"Cheers: Give Me a Ring Sometime (#1.1)" (1982)
[after answering the phone]
Carla: Who's not here?
Everyone: Me!


"Cheers: Diane's Perfect Date (#1.17)" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: [enthusiastically about Diane's date] Quite a catch.
Diane Chambers: Thank you.
Carla Tortelli: So's a large mouth bass.


"Cheers: Jumping Jerks (#7.8)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: [after watching a film of Norm and Sam skydiving] Well, I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own two eyes. Chickens can fly.


"Cheers: The Days of Wine and Neuroses (#9.15)" (1991)
Rebecca Howe: [Rebecca is making a toast to hers and Robin's engagement] To my sweet baby, Robin. We may not have much, but we have each other.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Then you don't have much.


"Cheers: Love Thy Neighbor (#4.8)" (1985)
Santo Carbone: You're Diane Chambers, aren't you?
Diane Chambers: Yes I am. You look familiar. Weren't you an attendant at Goldenbrook?
Santo Carbone: That was just my cover.
Carla Tortelli: Santo was the one I hired to track you down at the insane asylum.
Diane Chambers: It wasn't an insane asylum, damnit. It was more like a spa.
Santo Carbone: You're out already, huh?
Diane Chambers: Of course I'm out. Why wouldn't I be out?
Santo Carbone: No reason. Look, you take it easy.


"Cheers: Chambers vs. Malone (#5.13)" (1987)
Sam Malone: Do I look like a guy who is about to do something stupid?
Carla Tortelli: Always.


"Cheers: Cliffie's Big Score (#4.16)" (1986)
Woody Boyd: [the telephone at the bar rings and Woody picks it up] Cheers.
[pauses to listen]
Woody Boyd: Yes ma'am, right away.
Woody Boyd: [to Carla] There's some lady screaming her head off.
Carla Tortelli: What she want?
Woody Boyd: I don't know. All I can make out was two-timing.
Carla Tortelli: [yells] Sam. Telephone.
Carla Tortelli: Woody, listen up and learn something.
Sam Malone: [Woody hands the telephone to Sam] Sammy here.
Sam Malone: Oh, hey, I thought you'd like those flowers.
Sam Malone: Yeah, no, no, that sounds like my note, "Thanks for a wonderful evening Barbara, I had a great time."
Sam Malone: Well of course I know your name's Karen.
Sam Malone: Ah, you know, I see your mistake here. You see, you didn't realize that to me Barbara means Karen.
Sam Malone: Well, because, because, ah, because Barbara reminds me of Barbra Streisand, and you know that song about people.
Sam Malone: Well, I am getting to it. Um, you know the line "first be a person who needs people"? Well, who was the first person?
Sam Malone: Well, all right, no, no, the first female person was Eve. And who's the most famous Eve of all but Christmas Eve, right?
Sam Malone: Yeah, what do you do on Christmas Eve but you go carolin', right?
Sam Malone: No, I know, I know your name's not Caroline. But after you go carolin', what you do is you 'karen' in the gifts.
Sam Malone: Yeah, yeah, well, apology accepted, sweetheart. Talk to you in a bit.


"Cheers: Someday My Prince Will Come (#4.3)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: Uh, making a date with a stranger over the telephone is a big mistake, Diane. I tried it and it was nothing but trouble. Of course, mine was an obscene phone call.


"Cheers: Knights of the Scimitar (#5.8)" (1986)
Sam Malone: Who's the handsomest man you know?
Carla Tortelli: Robert Redford.
Sam Malone: No, no, he's a movie star. I mean someone you really know.
Carla Tortelli: Robert Redford.
Sam Malone: You don't know Robert Redford.
Carla Tortelli: Yes I do.
Sam Malone: How come you never mentioned it?
Carla Tortelli: If you were the only woman in Boston he was messing around with, would you tell anybody?


"Cheers: Abnormal Psychology (#5.4)" (1986)
Sam Malone: [about Dr. Lilith Sternin] You really made her look beautiful, Diane.
Carla Tortelli: [to Diane] Physician, heal thyself.


"Cheers: A House Is Not a Home (#5.25)" (1987)
Carla Tortelli: My life's the pits. Seems like good things happen to everybody except me, you know. Norm has a new job. Frasier actually seems happy since he met his creepy girlfriend. And Sam's given up women and decided to marry Diane. What have I got? Zip. Woody, I mean how do you keep such a sunny disposition in this rotten, stinkin', infested world?
Woody Boyd: You mean, what do I do when I see Mr. Blues peaking around the corner?
Carla Tortelli: God, he even has a cute name for depression.
Woody Boyd: Well, I just close my eyes and think a happy thought. I'll show you.
[closes his eyes and slowly begins to grin broadly]
Carla Tortelli: What was your thought?
Woody Boyd: I'm glad I'm not you.


"Cheers: Two Girls for Every Boyd (#8.9)" (1989)
[Norm gives Woody relationship advice while Carla answers the phone]
Norm: Okay, what you should do is tell her the truth. Honesty is the cornerstone in any relationship.
Carla: Norm, it's Vera.
Norm: I'm not here.


"Cheers: No Help Wanted (#2.14)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: Yesterday, I saw something very disturbing.
Carla Tortelli: What, the price of peroxide went up?


"Cheers: Bar Wars (#6.23)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.
Cliff Clavin: Why don't you marry him.
Carla LeBec: Why don't you.
Cliff Clavin: Why don'tch-you.
Carla LeBec: Why don'tch-you.
Cliff Clavin: ch-you.
Carla LeBec: ch-you.
Cliff Clavin: ch-you.
Carla LeBec: ch-you.
Cliff Clavin: ch-you.
Carla LeBec: ch-you.
Cliff Clavin: ch-you.


"Cheers: The Little Match Girl (#11.1)" (1992)
Carla: OK Sammy, I'm going home. I put away all the glasses, the, uh, bottles are in the store room, and all the rest of garbage from the wedding is in the office.
Sam: Thank you honey, I'll lock up. Where's Rebecca?
Carla: I just told you. She's in the office.


"Cheers: 'I' on Sports (#6.2)" (1987)
Carla Tortelli: [about their new green uniform] I hate this uniform. It's ugly. It makes me look like a beached whale. And on top of everything, I can't find any earrings to go with it.
Sam Malone: Try some broccoli.
Carla Tortelli: Ha, ha. I mean it Sam, I really hate it.
Woody Boyd: I used to like it, but now I'm getting kind of tired of it. Feel like I'm wearing the same thing every day.


"Cheers: The Art of the Steal (#8.10)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: You've got a reputation of being uninhibited: lowdown, dirty, perverted.
Carla LeBec: You should have known me when I was a real slut.
Rebecca Howe: Let me ask you a question here. What is the wildest thing you ever did to really get a guy's attention?
Carla LeBec: Let me see. There was the time I was making love to a guy on a carousel.
Rebecca Howe: Where? At an amusement park?
Carla LeBec: No. LaGuardia Airport.


"Cheers: Sam at Eleven (#1.4)" (1982)
Diane Chambers: I had the most fabulous after-class discussion with my art history professor. Yeah. I now feel unequivocally, I have a full grasp on impressionism.
Carla Tortelli: Oh yeah?
Diane Chambers: Yeah!
Carla Tortelli: Do Kirk Douglas.


"Cheers: The Two Faces of Norm (#8.5)" (1989)
Gordon: Is Sam Malone here?
Carla LeBec: He'll be back in a minute. Can I give him a message?
Gordon: Well, I want to let him know right away. I got his test results back. I'm afraid he's got a serious blockage.
Carla LeBec: Oh God, his heart?
Gordon: No, his fuel line. I'm Sam's mechanic.
Carla LeBec: Oh my God, it's the Corvette. Why couldn't it have been his heart?


"Cheers: Diane Chambers Day (#4.22)" (1986)
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, well count me out. You know, every time we had a family gathering, they always tried to get me interested in opera. I just couldn't stand it. Just a bunch of fat, lonely people screeching and trying to stab each other.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Carla, you know, not all operas are like that.
Carla Tortelli: I was talking about the family gathering.


"Cheers: Get Your Kicks on Route 666 (#10.2)" (1991)
[Rebecca and Lilith are talking about a guy with a magnificent butt, bulging biceps and piercing eyes]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You're getting me hot. Who are we talking about, here?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Your nephew, Frankie.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: That is so sick.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Carla, surely, as a woman, you can see how your nephew might be considered... desirable.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sure. You start thinking like that, and you end up with Woody's family.


"Cheers: Everyone Imitates Art (#5.10)" (1986)
Carla Tortelli: Of all the stinkin', dirty, rotten, maggot-sucking, vermin-infested stinkweeds...
Norm Peterson: Practicing your Mother of the Year speech again, Carla?


"Cheers: The Magnificent Six (#11.4)" (1992)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: What kind of cologne is that?
Sam Malone: It's a special blend: Old Spice, Hai Karate, and something that takes spots out.


"Cheers: Don't Paint Your Chickens (#7.15)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Congratulate the doctor. I'm doing a piece on the psychological ramifications of Ingmar Bergman's later works for American Film.
Norm Peterson: Oh, that's great Frase.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'd like to read it to you to see if it's still accessible to the layman. May I have your opinion?
Carla LeBec: Sure: buy a new suit, get a haircut, and stay home.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Carla. Now, I call the piece, "Ingmar Bergman: Poet of the Subconscious". The films of Ingmar Bergman...
Norm Peterson: Boy, who could forget her in 'Casablanca', huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, you're thinking of Ingrid Bergman, I'm talking about Ingmar Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Ingmar Bergman, the boxer?
Cliff Clavin: No Woody, you're thinking of Ingemar Johansson.
Sam Malone: You mean the guy that knocked out Floyd Patterson?
Norm Peterson: No, no, no, Sonny Liston knocked out Patterson.
Pete: Who knocked out Johansson?
Norm Peterson: Patterson.
Steve: Before Liston?
Norm Peterson: No, Johansson knocked out Liston.
Cliff Clavin: Well, who knocked out Patterson?
Woody Boyd: Was it Ingrid Bergman?
Pete: Ingrid Bergman...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [yells] Shut up, shut up! Not one more word. I came in here to discuss Ingmar Bergman, not to start an Abbott and Costello routine.
Norm Peterson: Actually, I thought it was more like Martin and Lewis.
Sam Malone: You mean, Joe Louis?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, he's the one who knocked out Floyd Patterson.
Woody Boyd: Then who knocked out Lou Costello?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [exasperated] Apparently Ingrid Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Boy, she was tougher than she looked.


"Cheers: Send in the Crane (#7.9)" (1989)
Sam Malone: Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. Remember that time I dated, those lovely Henshaw Triplets all at the same time?
Carla LeBec: Sammy, first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish. And second of all, that was one chick.


"Cheers: Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back (#7.10)" (1989)
Carla LeBec: [about inflitrating Gary's Old Towne Tavern] Woody, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red, and put you on a subway.
Woody Boyd: They wouldn't do that.
Carla LeBec: They did it to me. But I got the best of them.
Norm Peterson: How's that?
Carla LeBec: I loved it.


"Cheers: How to Recede in Business (#7.1)" (1988)
Sam Malone: I don't know, Carla. Either managing a bar is getting a lot more complicated, or I'm getting a lot dumber.
Carla LeBec: You couldn't be getting any dumber, Sam.
Sam Malone: So it must be that other thing.


"Cheers: Executive Sweet (#7.3)" (1988)
Sam Malone: So, how did your meeting go?
Rebecca Howe: It was very nice. I met the new boss, Mr. Teal. We exchanged pleasantries. You're no longer the co-manager and have been demoted to just bartender.
Sam Malone: Demoted? Just like that? What, the company didn't have the courtesy to give me a phone call?
Carla LeBec: By the way, Sammy, you had a phone call this afternoon. You've been demoted.
Sam Malone: Why didn't you tell me?
Carla LeBec: What do I look like, an answering service for bartenders?


"Cheers: Manager Coach (#2.8)" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: Sam, where do you stand on breastfeeding?
Sam Malone: Well, as I recall, I liked it.
Carla Tortelli: No... I mean me, here in the bar.
Sam Malone: Oh, Carla... Well, I guess it's cheaper than a piano player.


"Cheers: The Improbable Dream: Part 2 (#8.2)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: So Sam, do you remember anything else about the dream?
Sam Malone: No, that was the eeriest thing. I mean it was real, it was vivid, like you, like real life.
Carla LeBec: Sammy, that's a premonition dream. That means it's really going to happen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Carla, that's an old wives' tale.
Carla LeBec: I'm an old wife.


"Cheers: Peterson Crusoe (#3.11)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: [about Norm wanting to go to Bora Bora in a cargo ship] Norman, wait a minute. What about a passport? What about shots?
Norm Peterson: I already have my passport. And believe it or not, you don't need any shots for Bora Bora. There isn't any disease there.
Carla Tortelli: Lunacy is on its way.


"Cheers: The Bartender's Tale (#3.23)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: [to Sam, about qualifications for a new waitress] All I want is someone who doesn't make us both think of the word 'boob' at the same time.


"Cheers: Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real (#10.23)" (1992)
[a police photographer comes by Cheers to take photos of a bomb explosion at the bar]
Police Photographer: I'm here to take pictures of the wreckage.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [pointing Rebecca's direction] Ah, she's way over there.


"Cheers: Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman (#11.5)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: Guess what I kept on seeing when I was driving into work just now?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: The middle finger of every driver in Boston?


"Cheers: I'm Okay, You're Defective (#10.11)" (1991)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, I'm going to die too.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Again?


"Cheers: Simon Says (#5.21)" (1987)
Diane: The man's a quack! Imagine, he had the nerve to say that Sam and I shouldn't get married.
[adopting a British accent]
Diane: That we have absolutely nothing in common.
Norm Peterson: Excuse me, Diane. What exactly do you two have in common?
Diane: Well, we...
[can't finish her sentence, and just stares at Sam]
Carla Tortelli: Wait a minute. Somebody's suggesting that Sam and Diane aren't right for each other. Now where have I heard that before? Of course: my prayers!


"Cheers: Never Love a Goalie: Part 1 (#5.16)" (1987)
Carla Tortelli: What a game. Eddie stopped forty shots. I haven't seen a guy have a night like that since Harman Killibrue hit those three moonshot homers off of you Sam.
Sam Malone: Yes, I was certainly lucky to be there to see that, wasn't I?


"Cheers: An American Family (#3.9)" (1984)
Carla Tortelli: Oh, of course I'm going to resist. But all I have to do is be alone with him for a second and I melt.
Diane Chambers: Then there's one simple solution, we shan't let you alone with him, right everyone?
Everyone in the Bar: We shan't.


"Cheers: Wedding Bell Blues (#9.16)" (1991)
Rebecca Howe: Guys. I have my new wedding dress. Now all I need is something old, something borrowed and something blue.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: How about Norm's liver?
Norm Peterson: I am almost finished with it.


"Cheers: Behind Every Great Man (#3.19)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Guys, does anybody remember anything that Diane has ever said about impressionism?
Carla Tortelli: No, but I know she makes a bad first one. After that, it gets worse.


"Cheers: Teaching with the Enemy (#11.6)" (1992)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Can you believe this guy, winning twelve million bucks in the lottery. I mean, talk about beating the odds.
Woody Boyd: Oh, yeah, you wanna talk about beating the odds? My Uncle Spence fell twenty thousand feet from an airplane, and hit the only pile of hay for two miles.
Norm Peterson: Geez, he's the luckiest man on Earth.
Woody Boyd: Well, not really. He went through the propeller first.


"Cheers: Pudd'n Head Boyd (#6.9)" (1987)
[At Cheers, Woody is dressed as Mark Twain]
Carla LeBec: Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous get-up for three weeks now. When are you going to stop this nonsense.
Woody Boyd: Carla, as an understudy, I have to be dressed and ready to go on at a moment's notice. Putting on make-up like this can take hours, but I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Carla LeBec: Why, because I'm not in the "thea-tah".
Woody Boyd: No, because you don't wear make-up.


"Cheers: How Do I Love Thee?... Let Me Call You Back (#2.10)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: Hey everybody. Sam can't say he loves me.
Carla Tortelli: Who can?


"Cheers: The Peterson Principle (#4.18)" (1986)
Cliff Clavin: It's a little known fact, forty-two percent of deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home.
Carla Tortelli: So are you.


"Cheers: It's Lonely on the Top (#11.22)" (1993)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [after she admits she probably slept with one of the Cheers regulars] You don't think any less of me, do you?
Sam Malone: Well, let's see who it is first.


"Cheers: Pick a Con... Any Con (#1.19)" (1983)
[Diane is tending bar and, inexperienced, is trying to make a Bloody Mary. Carla is watching in interest]
Diane Chambers: A lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam.
Sam Malone: Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up five gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand.
Sam Malone: How come you're doing this, Carla? Why did you let her do it?
Carla Tortelli: I wanted to see her try and make vodka.


"Cheers: Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure (#9.11)" (1990)
[Sam is trying to telephone Frasier]
Sam Malone: I keep calling the house and the machine keeps picking up.
Carla Tortelli: Oh, Lilith answers?


"Cheers: Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh (#8.21)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about himself and Lilith] We're having a devil of a time trying to find a babysitter. Geesh, what we wouldn't give to get away together.
Carla LeBec: Oh, me too. I live for that.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really? You could use a vacation?
Carla LeBec: No. I want you guys to go away.


"Cheers: Uncle Sam Malone" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: Look, Cliff, I got bills to pay, you know?: rent, food, birth control pills...


"Cheers: Severe Crane Damage (#8.18)" (1990)
Frasier: I just want to head to the men's room to check my hair.
Carla: Ah, I already checked. It's not in there.


"Cheers: Old Flames (#2.7)" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Coach. Will you take me home?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: OK Carla.
Carla Tortelli: You know Coach, every night you walk out of here and you forget your keys. You got 'em this time?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's OK Carla. I got it all figured out. I left 'em in the car.
Carla Tortelli: Aren't you afraid someone's going to steal it?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I locked the doors.
Carla Tortelli: How are you going to get in without your keys?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I made a duplicate set.
Carla Tortelli: Where are they, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [realizing that he left them behind the bar] Holy mackerel.
[the Coach gets the keys from Sam]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [walking out the door] Carla, we'd better make it scramble. It looks like it's going to rain. Come on, I left the windows open.


"Cheers: Rich Man, Wood Man (#10.19)" (1992)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to the gang at the bar] You may ask, 'Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?'.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Because you're the loneliest man on Earth?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: He has another reason.


"Cheers: Save the Last Dance for Me (#4.20)" (1986)
Carla Tortelli: It was a magical moment, you know, it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn't a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.


"Cheers: Finally!: Part 1 (#8.15)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: [about Robin] I told him the biggest secret of my life.
Carla LeBec: What?
Rebecca Howe: I told him about You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling by The Righteous Brothers and what that song does to me. Right? Do you know what he did?
Carla LeBec: What?
Rebecca Howe: He called this radio station he owns and he had them play it all night.
Woody Boyd: I heard that. I thought that was the long version.


"Cheers: The Last Picture Show (#11.18)" (1993)
Newscaster on Television: We're going live now to the Route 93 overpass where an unidentified woman has climbed to the outside rail and is threatening to jump. An emergency rescue team has had no luck so far in persuading the woman to climb down from her dangerous perch.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, boy. As one who has been there, it is imperative that they do nothing to agitate that woman.
Cliff Clavin: Boy, oh boy. I mean, what would have to go wrong in your life to be driven to such desperate measures, huh?
Newscaster on Television: We have a tentative identification. The woman is Anna Cosetti of Boston...
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sam, can I take the afternoon off?
Sam Malone: Why?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: I gotta go look after the kids. That woman is my babysitter.


"Cheers: Bidding on the Boys (#6.8)" (1987)
Rebecca Howe: This is great! We're just $2,000 away from breaking the record. How many guys do we have left?
Carla LeBec: Just Sammy.
Rebecca Howe: Oh well, there's always next year.
Sam Malone: Two thousand dollars? Oh, gee, I might actually have to comb my hair.
[he walks away]
Rebecca Howe: Come on you guys, there's no way he can get that by himself. God, if we just had one more hunk.
Cliff Clavin: All right, all right, all right.
[he gets up]
Rebecca Howe: Mr. Clavin, that is a really sweet gesture, but isn't there some regulation against government employees in uniform participating in this kind of a thing?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, that is a very salient point, and one which I came within a hair of overlooking. I thank you.
[he shakes her hand]
Cliff Clavin: Boy, I shudder to think what might of happened.
Norm Peterson: We all do.


"Cheers: Snow Job (#2.18)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [about being held back a grade at school] It's just as bad to skip a grade.
Carla Tortelli: You skipped a grade, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah. I skipped four. High school I think they called it.


"Cheers: The Last Angry Mailman (#6.7)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, stop everything. I've got a major news flash. I just had lunch with Miss Howe's former college classmate, and it seems that she had a nickname at UConn.
Sam Malone: Give, give.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he wasn't sure how she came by this appellation, but it seems that at some point during her little sojourn there, she became known as... Backseat Becky.
[general laughter among the crowd]
Woody Boyd: Boy, what do you suppose that means?
Cliff Clavin: Woody, what that means is...
Carla LeBec: Cliff, Cliff, why don't you let someone who's been there tell it. Woods, she likes to do her cushion pushin' on four wheels.
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe? Really? You know, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
Carla LeBec: What?
Woody Boyd: Let's date 'em.
[Rebecca enters the room]
Sam Malone: [looking in Rebecca's direction] Oh, looky here. Something tells me I'm going to be completely obnoxious about this.
[everyone laughs as Rebecca approaches]
Rebecca Howe: What's so funny?
Sam Malone: Oh, we were just talking about nicknames, you know, different funny nicknames that people have. Did you ever have a nickname?
Rebecca Howe: As a matter of fact, no.
Sam Malone: Really? Nothing, huh? Not a Sparky, or Lefty, or Bubba?
Rebecca Howe: Sorry.
Sam Malone: Guys, we oughta give Rebecca here a nickname. Ah, you know, something that kind of fits her personality: kind of dignified, kind of businesslike, kind of reserved. Let me think a minute.
[pauses]
Sam Malone: Anybody?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Carla LeBec, Cliff Clavin, Tim, Hugh, Norm Peterson: [loudly] Backseat Becky.
[Rebecca slinks down behind the bar in embarrassment]
Sam Malone: Gee, that works for me.
Woody Boyd: I kind of like Bubba.


"Cheers: Norm, Is That You? (#7.6)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: [on the telephone] I don't know Eddie, try, try under the bed. Uh, well, if they're not there, look in the back of the closet, or behind the dresser, or in the washing machine. Yeah, if you still can't find them, call me back.
[hangs up the telephone]
Carla LeBec: I swear to God that man would lose his head if it weren't bolted on.
Cliff Clavin: What's, uh, what's up there, Carla?
Carla LeBec: Eddie wants to take the twins for a walk.
Cliff Clavin: Ah, can't find his shoes, huh?
Carla LeBec: Nah, can't find the twins.


"Cheers: Just Three Friends (#2.11)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: [to everyone in the bar] This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.
Carla Tortelli: Meet her this morning?
Diane Chambers: That's Carla. She's likes a little witty repartee. She's just not capable of it.


"Cheers: Coach Returns to Action (#1.9)" (1982)
Carla Tortelli: That St. Mathias is a great school. I've had two kids thrown out of there.


"Cheers: Let Sleeping Drakes Lie (#6.18)" (1988)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Norm] If you told Mr. Drake a sufficiently outlandish story, odds are he'd buy it.
Woody Boyd: No, that's impossible.
Carla LeBec: No, Woody, it's a stroke of genius. Frasier, you're brilliant. That is one of the most brilliant ideas you've ever had, and you've had a lot of brilliant ideas.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Carla.
Carla LeBec: See Woody, it works. Bonehead bought it.


"Cheers: It's a Wonderful Wife (#9.20)" (1991)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Guys love dirty pictures of their babes. Hey, Nick always used to take them of me, until one time I smashed his camera and broke his nose.
Norm Peterson: What, you got in a fight, huh?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, fell off the monkey bars.


"Cheers: Spellbound (#5.15)" (1987)
[Diane, Carla and Loretta are talking about Nick]
Loretta Tortelli: Oh, Carla, I still love him!
Carla Tortelli: Nothing you can do. We're talking about Nick Tortelli. He wants you, you got no choice.
Diane Chambers: [to Loretta] This is the part I don't get. Here's a man that quicksand would spit up, and yet he has this strange svengali-like influence over you?
Loretta Tortelli: Oh yes. From the moment I first saw him, I knew I'd follow him to the ends of the Earth.
Diane Chambers: Where he's obviously spent a lot of time.
Carla Tortelli: You know, there's... there's something about him. He knows women. Like a jeweler knows jewels. Like a meat cutter knows meat.
Loretta Tortelli: [Proudly] Like a marine biologist knows Marines.


"Cheers: Rebecca Redux (#9.3)" (1990)
[Carla is receiving a non-sexual back rub from Earl]
Carla LeBec: [moans with pleasure] That is the best I've ever felt without ending up with a baby.


"Cheers: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Bar (#11.14)" (1993)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [about getting someone to do some kidnapping and torture work] Leave this to me, Sammy. I happen to know some people who can handle this kind of thing, no questions asked. It might cost us a little, but they do good work.
[Carla dials the telephone]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [into the telephone] Hi. It's Mommy. Wake up your brothers.


"Cheers: The Beer Is Always Greener (#11.2)" (1992)
Bartender: Carla, I'm going to put a new trainee with you for the next two weeks. She's a bright girl, she's an Anthropology student at BU.
Bartender: [looking off toward the kitchen] Ellen?
[from the kitchen, a blonde in a cashmere sweater á la Diane Chambers, walks toward Carla]
Ellen: Well, you must be Carla. I know what you must be thinking - she doesn't look like a waitress. That's because I'm really a writer. Or actuellement, a poetess.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [turning, screaming and running away] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


"Cheers: What is... Cliff Clavin? (#8.14)" (1990)
Norm Peterson: Could I have another beer?
Rebecca Howe: I dont see any money Norm.
Norm Peterson: Yeah... yup. I really should go hit that bank machine I guess. But I hope on the way out I don't happen to just inadvertently mention that one thin Carla and I happen to know about you.
Rebecca Howe: Shut up Norm and drink your free beer.
Norm Peterson: This bluffing thing is a goldmine.
Carla LeBec: Yes, I've given you a wonderful gift my son. You must use it for good only, never for evil.
Norm Peterson: Free beer is good, right?
Carla LeBec: You learn fast, young Norm.


"Cheers: From Beer to Eternity (#4.9)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: [at the bowling alley] Back off buster, or I'll put vaseline in your finger holes.
Gary: Just try to touch my ball.
Carla Tortelli: I was talking about your nose.


"Cheers: The Girl in the Plastic Bubble (#11.7)" (1992)
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can reach my full potential to acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla Tortelli: Like a body temperature?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle. And if you ever open that gateway to Hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
[Carla is too stupefied to reply]
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: God, that felt good!
[Lilith walks out of Cheers]
Carla Tortelli: Well, that was just plain rude.


"Cheers: Rebound: Part 1 (#3.1)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: After I left here, I decided that I needed to regroup, I needed to go someplace and take a good look at myself.
Carla Tortelli: Ah, shock treatment.


"Cheers: Now Pitching, Sam Malone (#1.13)" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: Tell me something, Red. Are professional athletes better between the old Wamsuttas than ordinary men?
Lana Marshall: I've had no experience with ordinary men.
Carla Tortelli: Oh, me neither. But I'm trying to work my way up to one.


"Cheers: Rebecca Gaines, Rebecca Loses (#11.23)" (1993)
Mr. Walter Gaines: [to Rebecca, about her knowledge of classical music] Obviously, when you worked at the house, I failed to appreciate your depth.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Not to mention her width.


"Cheers: Young Dr. Weinstein (#5.7)" (1986)
Woody Boyd: [Woody has been testing newly invented drinks on the Cheers gang for hours; pours his latest creation from a cocktail shaker] Okay, Dr. Crane, drink up.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Woody, please! You promised you'd stop after the rum and trail mix!
Woody Boyd: That wasn't a drink; that was just something to cleanse your palate. Come on - here.
[Frasier sips drink]
Dr. Frasier Crane: My God, Woody!
Woody Boyd: That bad, huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, it's terrific! Here, try this.
[hands drink to Norm]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I never had anything like it.
[Norm sips it]
Norm Peterson: All right!
[hands drink to Carla; she sips it]
Carla Tortelli: Oh, yeah! This one gets you in the Cocktail Hall of Fame!
[Woody pumps his fists]
Dr. Frasier Crane: So what's in it, Wood?
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, what's the secret recipe?
Woody Boyd: Well, I used two parts...
[starts to cry]


"Cheers: Endless Slumper (#1.10)" (1982)
Sam: Hey, you're in luck here. A genuine Red Sock is on his way over.
Carla Tortelli: No kidding? Oh, wow.
Sam: [Carla begins cleaning beer mugs] What are you doing?
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Sam, I don't want a Boston Red Sock to come in here and get a glass with lipstick on it or crud at the bottom.
[Carla pounds the bartop to wake a barfly up]
Carla Tortelli: Sit up straight, will ya?
[Carla turns back to Sam]
Carla Tortelli: So, who is it, huh? Evans? Rice? Who, Yaz?
Sam: You heard of Rick Walker?
Carla Tortelli: [spits into the glass she's holding] He can use that one.


"Cheers: Dinner at Eight-ish (#5.20)" (1987)
[Carla catches Sam and Diane in a lie in not babysitting for her]
Carla Tortelli: [to Sam, angrily] So, you and Diane have 'this thing Wednesday night', huh? Why don't you just come out and say it: you don't want to spend an evening alone with my kids.
Sam Malone, Diane Chambers: We don't want to spend an evening alone with your kids.
Carla Tortelli: Neither do I.


"Cheers: The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover (#11.17)" (1993)
Cliff Clavin: [about Dr. Pascal] Boy, look at that poor moolyak, huh? I really pity him. It really makes you think though, doesn't it? Where's that fine line between sanity and insanity.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Look behind you, Clavin. You stepped over it about a year ago.


"Cheers: Show Down: Part 2 (#1.22)" (1983)
[Two proper looking middle-aged women are in the bar. Carla is about to take their order]
Carla Tortelli: So, what'll you have?
Lady #1: I'll have a cup of tea.
Lady #2: And I'll have a small sherry.
Carla Tortelli: OK.
Lady #1: Well, that sounds nice. Sherry sounds very nice. And it is late afternoon. And I think I'll have a glass of sherry too please.
Carla Tortelli: Two sherries.
Lady #1: Ah, make that a glass of wine. White wine.
Lady #2: Wine! I haven't had a glass of wine in ages. Is your wine dry?
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, it's OK.
Lady #2: Then give me some wine too.
Carla Tortelli: Two wines.
Lady #1: You know what sounds like fun to me all of a sudden?
Lady #2: What?
Lady #1: A beer. I haven't had a beer since I don't know when.
Lady #2: I used to have half a beer on a hot day.
Lady #1: Well, it's quite cold out today.
Lady #2: Then put a shot of whiskey with it and it's perfect.
Lady #1: Two boilermakers, Wild Turkey and Bud.
Carla Tortelli: I'll run a tab.
Lady #1: Good!


"Cheers: Second Time Around (#4.17)" (1986)
[Frasier and Candi have just announced they're getting married]
Carla Tortelli: You know, you're not so dumb.
Candi Pearson: Thank you Carla.
Carla Tortelli: Frasier's not my cup of tea, but as husbands go, he could be all right. He won't hurt you, and I think he'll always be faithful. And if he isn't, who cares?
Candi Pearson: That's kind of beautiful.


"Cheers: No Contest (#1.18)" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: I always say, all great friendships start with one small act of vengeance.


"Cheers: I'll Be Seeing You: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1984)
Carla Tortelli: Ah, come on Sam, you know my philosophy. If you can't say something nice, say it about Diane.


"Cheers: Bar Bet (#3.18)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: Hey, wait, I got an idea.
Diane Chambers: You mean you actually conceived something besides a child?
Carla Tortelli: Whoa. A bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.


"Cheers: Cry Hard (#8.25)" (1990)
Sam: You can't get into the main computer without Rebecca's secret password. You know that.
Carla: Yeah, well, I'm trying to figure out what the password is.
Norm: Well, it's usually something personal.
Sam: How about loser.
Carla: Tried it.
Norm: Ah, flunky?
Carla: Tried it.
Woody: How about hardworkingyoungwomanwhonevergetstherecognitionshedeserves.
Carla: It's too many letters.
Woody: How about screwup.


"Cheers: A Bar Is Born (#8.3)" (1989)
Sam Malone: Don't you think this place could be as fun as Cheers?
Carla LeBec: Sam, I don't think this place could be as fun as World War II.


"Cheers: What's Up, Doc? (#7.18)" (1989)
Norm Peterson: I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.
Carla LeBec: You are a failure.
Norm Peterson: Well then, I've licked it.


"Cheers: Birth, Death, Love and Rice (#4.1)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Carla, uh, I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd. Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
Woody Boyd: Hi ma'am.
Carla Tortelli: Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?
Woody Boyd: I believe it's a term of respect.
Carla Tortelli: No wonder it sounded so weird.


"Cheers: Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa (#11.9)" (1992)
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [looking at Hill] Oh, good. My package from Amityville has arrived.
John Allen Hill: Ah, Miss Tortelli. Tell me, is that a new hairdo, or did someone toss a toaster in your bathtub? What am I saying - what would you be doing in a bathtub?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Cleaning you out of the drain.


"Cheers: Friends, Romans, and Accountants (#1.7)" (1982)
Diane Chambers: Sam, if I am to serve both as a waitress and a butt of jokes, I think I should make more money.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?


"Cheers: Christmas Cheers (#6.12)" (1987)
[the people at Cheers have just found out that Norm has been working this Christmas season as a department store Santa Claus]
Norm Peterson: I guess I'm busted. 'k, I didn't mention anything to you guys because I thought that you guys might just razz me a little bit for being a Santa Claus over at Nagel's.
Carla LeBec: That was you?
Norm Peterson: Um hm.
Carla LeBec: That's what my kid meant when she says that Santa smells like the place where Mommy works.


"Cheers: The Heart Is a Lonely Snipehunter (#3.14)" (1985)
Frasier Crane: [walks into the bar looking a little down] Oh, hello Diane.
Diane Chambers: Hi Frasier.
[they give each other a quick kiss]
Diane Chambers: Frasier, your lips are troubled.
Carla Tortelli: No wonder. Look at the hell he puts them through.


"Cheers: Mr. Otis Regrets (#8.24)" (1990)
Carla LeBec: [about Sam sleeping with Rebecca] Did you ever think this day would come?
Sam Malone: As a matter of fact, I never had any doubt here, Carla. Behold the sealed envelope. Please open it and read the contents.
[Sam hands an envelope to Carla, who opens it and reads its contents]
Carla LeBec: "I, Sam Malone, will sleep with Rebecca Howe on the night of April 19, 1990." When did you write this?
Sam Malone: This morning. I write a new one every day.


"Cheers: Our Hourly Bread (#6.21)" (1988)
[Woody has just been given the title Senior Bartender]
Carla LeBec: So Wood, now that you've scratched and clawed your way to the top of your profession, you still going to talk to us little people?
Woody Boyd: Little people?
Woody Boyd: [pauses to think] Oh, right, you folks don't like to be called midgets anymore.


"Cheers: The Godfather: Part 3 (#5.22)" (1987)
Norm Peterson: [Frasier walks in carrying a small box] Hey, Fras, thought you'd be out on the links by now.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It would be exceedingly difficult to tee off with this.
Cliff Clavin: What's that, Fras?
Dr. Frasier Crane: This is my extra-special gift from Lilith.
[Frasier dumps the contents on to the bar]
Carla Tortelli: It's a tie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and I hate it, it's ugly.
[Frasier grabs a fork and starts stabbing it]
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just a tie. An ordinary gray tie. I wanted golf clubs! It's not special! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
[Frasier throws the tie on the floor, stomps on it and then walks off]
Norm Peterson: Glad she didn't give him a puppy.


"Cheers: Diane Meets Mom (#3.8)" (1984)
Phil Ryan: [walks into the bar toward Coach] Hello.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, hi. What can I get you?
Phil Ryan: I'm a phone company repairman.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [sticks out his hand to shake Phil's] Oh, I'm a bartender, Ernie Pantusso.
[they shake hands]
Phil Ryan: Phil Ryan. I got a call to come down here.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, there must be some mistake, Phil. I, I, I didn't call for any repairman.
Carla Tortelli: I think Sam put in a call, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: He did?
Carla Tortelli: Uh-huh.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, that's strange. He didn't say anything to me about it. I better give him a call and find out what this is all about.
[picks up the phone and starts to dial. finds out the phone isn't working]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Bum luck, Phil. The phone's out.
[Phil looks at Carla, confused about The Coach]
Carla Tortelli: [to Phil about The Coach] Give him a couple of seconds.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [long pause] Say, Phil, uh, I hate to impose on you but since they got you down here on this wild goose chase, would you mind taking a look at the phone?
Phil Ryan: Sure.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Thank you.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Carla quietly] Lucky thing he happened by here, huh Carla?
Carla Tortelli: Sometimes fate takes a hand, Coach.