Roz Doyle
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Quotes for
Roz Doyle (Character)
from "Frasier" (1993)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Frasier: The Kid (#5.4)" (1997)
Frasier: Morning, Roz!
Roz: Frasier? What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.

Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: So, Roz, who's the proud papa? You got it narrowed down yet?
[laughs]
Roz: That's nice, very nice. Frasier, will you excuse us?
Frasier: Yes, of course. Just remember the baby's future, Roz. Try to make it look like an accident.
[Frasier leaves]
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: Look, I was just kidding. I'm sure you probably know who the dad is.
Roz: Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you remember Janet's party a couple months ago? You got really drunk and I drove you home?
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: Yeah... what about it?
Roz: Well, you invited me up, and I guess I'd had a few myself, because the next thing I knew...
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: [terrified] No, whoa - I don't believe this. I don't even remember us...
Roz: Now calm down, Bulldog.
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: No, come on, please, just tell me you're joking!
Roz: Look, we don't have to get married right away...
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: Oh, man! Oh, man!
[he paces, chewing his knuckles; she caresses his back]
Roz: I thought you'd be happy about this. I mean, we were wonderful together. When you made love to me, you were so tender and caring...
Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe: Hey, whoa! Ha, ha! "Tender and caring?" No way was that me! Yeah, you almost had me! Good one, Roz!

Frasier: You get to share your life with a remarkable little creature... who only lives in the present, runs around naked without the slightest bit of shame, and can entertain himself for hours just staring at a shiny object. Isn't that wonderful?
Roz: Isn't that Bulldog?

Frasier: Talk to me.
Roz: I don't even know where to start. Everything in my life is about to change. My body, my love life...
Frasier: Yes. But it's also going to change in fantastic ways. I remember the first night I brought Frederick home from the hospital. You put this tiny thing into a tiny little bed and you look around and realize that the entire house has changed.

Roz: When you were a junior in college, if a woman came to you and told you she was carrying your child, wouldn't you have been devastated?
Frasier: In my case, I would have been mystified.

Rick: Hey, Roz! How you doing?
Roz: Fine, thanks.
Rick: Well, what can I get you?
Roz: Uh, I'll have a decaf.
Rick: Be right back.
[Rick goes to the counter]
Frasier: He's a nice kid, Rick.
Roz: Yes, he is.
Frasier: Working here to put himself through school, right?
Roz: Yes, he is.
Frasier: He's the father, isn't he?
Roz: Yes, he is.

Roz: [breaking down crying after finding out her milk expired] Don't you get it? Milk's a staple! I let a staple go bad! Mothers don't let staples go bad! How can I take care of a baby when I can't even keep fresh milk in the house? Kids NEED milk!
Frasier: Roz, if it helps, babies don't even drink milk for the first year.
Roz: You see? I didn't even know that!
Frasier: Well I didn't find out either until after I was a father.
Roz: Don't you get it? I have to know EVERYTHING! You can know HALF of everything. You can know about the milk and Lilith can know about the booties and the snugglies.
Frasier: You never met Lilith, did you?

Roz: [to Rick] When I get married it's going to be to somebody I'm in love with, and somebody who's in love with me.
[Rick tries to speak]
Roz: And somebody who can legally drink champagne at our wedding.

Roz: [thinking Rick's knocking at the door] I said go away!
Frasier: BUT-I-JUST-GOT-HERE!


"Frasier: Halloween (#5.3)" (1997)
[Roz comes to the Halloween Party dressed in a saucy S&M outfit]
Daphne: Wow. Roz, don't you look smashing.
Eve: What an interesting costume, who are you?
Roz: I'm O. from the "Story of O."
Everyone: Ohhh...
Roz: It's gonna be a long night.

Roz: No one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth control. But then again, even the best protection is only effective ninety-nine out of a hundred times. I can't beat those odds.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose you've been dodging that bullet for a long time now.

Frasier: Oh, Roz! Oh, I'm so glad you came! Any word from the doctor?
Roz: No, and I am going crazy. I can't even picture myself as a mother, can you?
Frasier: [she removes her trench coat; she's decked out in a saucy black leather S&M outfit] Well, I don't think discipline will be a problem.

Daphne: I think you look particularly lovely tonight. There's a real glow about you.
Roz: Oh no! Oh God, not a glow!
[calms down]
Roz: I'm sorry, I'm just a little jumpy. I had... kind of an accident, and I just haven't found out what the damage is yet. Actually, I need to check my machine. Do you know where a phone is?
Daphne: Yeah, there's one at the top of the stairs.
Roz: Thank you.
Daphne: Try not to worry. A few years back, I got rear-ended. Is that what happened to you?
Roz: Not exactly.

Frasier: Roz, who's on the line?
Roz: On line 4, we have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted.
[Roz tries to put Ted on the phone, but accidentally hangs up on him instead]
Frasier: Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.

Frasier: [Frasier, doing his radio show; Roz is preoccupied about a possible pregnancy, so she's not on top of her game] Roz, who's on the line?
Roz: Uh, on line four we have Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted.
[dial tone; Ted has been disconnected]
Frasier: Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.
Roz: On line two we have Bill. He's going through a very difficult transition.
Frasier: Hello, Bill.
Woman on the Line (Roz's Manicurist): Uh, hello? Is someone there?
Frasier: Well, I see we're pretty much through our transition, aren't we, Bill?
[... ]
Frasier: Perhaps we'd better take a moment to regroup
[and go to commercial]
Frasier: .


"Frasier: Love Bites Dog (#4.2)" (1996)
[Bulldog has locked himself in a toilet cubicle]
Roz: [as Niles comes in] Bulldog, if you don't come out of there in the next ten seconds I'm gonna reach in there and pull you out by your ankles.
Niles: Hello, Roz, playing hard to get?

Roz: [Bulldog runs out of the booth sobbing] Wait, Bulldog. We need a tape! Where's "The Best of Bulldog"?
Bulldog: [sobbing] She took the best of Bulldog!

[Roz is trying to set Frasier up]
Roz: When was the last time you were with a woman? Seems like almost a year.
Frasier: Oh, it has not been that long. I mean, that is a laugh! Hah! The last time was... er... well, let's see... Well, the tree was still up... Oh, God!

Roz: Her name is Sharon. She's five-seven...
Frasier: Oh Roz, I'm not interested.
Roz: But she's an incredible person. She's smart, she's funny, she's a former pro-golfer. She just hasn't met the right guy.
Frasier: A woman golfer. Are we quite certain there is a right guy?
Roz: She dates men.
Frasier: Not this one.

Roz: Oh my God. It's in love!
Bulldog: Last night for the first time in my life I actually said those three little words: "stay for breakfast."
Frasier: You had sex with Sharon?
Bulldog: Doc, please! We "made love." You know what? I gotta call her.
[picks up the phone]
Bulldog: No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get.
[slams phone down]
Bulldog: But I miss the sound of her voice. I'm calling her.
[picks up phone]
Bulldog: No, wait. It's too needy. Chicks hate that.
[puts phone down]
Bulldog: I shouldn't call her. But I want to!
[picks up phone before putting it down again]
Bulldog: Doc, what should I do?
Frasier: [bewildered] Don't ask me, I don't even know who you are!

Frasier: The whole thing catapulted me back to high school. You know me as an adult, but back then I was rather an un-athletic, bookish sort.
Roz: [sarcastically] Get out!
Frasier: Jocks were the bane of my existence. They would always call me a "weenie" and steal all the girls that I wanted.


"Frasier: Roz's Turn (#4.17)" (1997)
Daphne: I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports, should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr. Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning?
Martin: Don't you worry about me. I may not be the rookie of the year any more but I can still move around the bases!
[Roz comes in]
Roz: Oh, hey, Martin.
Niles: Oh, look, a scout from the majors.

Roz: How could you have done that?
Frasier: Well, it was just an offhand remark, how did I know how she'd react?
Roz: She's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they would have been on your desk tomorrow in a Tiffany box!

Roz: It's not like she worships the devil.
Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to. He worships her.

Roz: Let's just go on to my next idea. Daphne? OK, you be the girlfriend of a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Niles, will you be her boyfriend?
Niles: [quickly] Yes.
Roz: OK.
[starts tape]
Roz: I'm here with Fred and Patty. Tell me, you two, what made you think that your sex life needs a little jump start?
Daphne: It's all his fault. He just seems to have lost interest in me. I've done everything I can to entice him. I've served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron; I've called him at the office and talked dirty; and last night when he came home I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy! But did he care? No!
Roz: And none of this turns you on, Fred?
Roz: [Niles doesn't answer. He just stares into space, imagining it all. Roz gets impatient] Fred?
Niles: [snaps out of it] That's nothing, you should hear the other things that don't turn me on! Tell me about it, Patty.

Frasier: My God, you should have heard my first audition tape. I was so inept it was incredible.
Roz: That's true.
Frasier: Well... oh, you mean, well, you heard it. Well, all right, so you see...
Roz: There was a bootleg copy floating around the station for months.
Frasier: Well, fine, so you get my point then...
Roz: People still play it at parties.
Frasier: Well, all right, Roz!


"Frasier: The Dog That Rocks the Cradle (#7.5)" (1999)
Roz: Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tatooed across my forehead?
Frasier: No, Roz, but there is a rumour about a "Tweety Bird" on your upper thigh.

[Bulldog picks up Roz's daughter Alice]
Bulldog: Hey, look who's here. Hey, sweetpea, you are getting so big. Hey, look at that smile, she likes me.
Roz: She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room any more.

Roz: [knock at the door] I'm sorry Mrs. Wozniak. I know the balcony is not for sex play.
Frasier: It's Frasier. And by the way - charming.

Roz: What'd you guys do today?
Bulldog: Oh, we fed the ducks! We rode the horses at the park, then we came back here for a whole jar of peas!
Roz: Peas? How did you get her to eat those?
Bulldog: There's a trick to it. You gotta pretend to sneeze them out of your nose.
Roz: [amazed] How did you come up with that?
Bulldog: It's an interesting story...
Roz: Actually, don't tell me.

Roz: You are not gonna believe what just happened. Bulldog just told me he loved me.
Frasier: What?
Roz: Yeah, he made Ted bring me home early. It turns out he's been scaring my dates off all week.
Frasier: Well, what did you say to him?
Roz: I tried to let him down easy. I felt sorry for the guy.
Frasier: Bulldog. Wow, he's full of surprises, isn't he?
Roz: Who'd have thought? You know what's really weird? I'm gonna miss him. Look at this. Never had to worry about Alice, he kept this place so neat, and it was really nice to have someone to... someone to come home to.


"Frasier: Ham Radio (#4.18)" (1997)
Daphne: [rehearsing for a radio play] Sound of door opening.
Roz: [with a mouthful of food] Infpactar, fhank goddies oo cam.
Frasier: Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "When she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "When she opened her lips cheese fell out".

Dr. Niles Crane: [as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even...
[in normal voice]
Dr. Niles Crane: ... German.
Dr. Niles Crane: Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you.
[Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay]
Dr. Niles Crane: When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.
Roz: [In an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?
Dr. Niles Crane: Be quiet, Mother!
[Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles]
Dr. Niles Crane: Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father.
[Angrily]
Dr. Niles Crane: I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave.
[Fed up with Frasier]
Dr. Niles Crane: Okay, that's it. Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table.
[Fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.
[Two fake gunshots]
Dr. Niles Crane: Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo!* Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back, I'm short on bullets?
[Fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: Thank you.
[to Roz]
Dr. Niles Crane: What was your name again, dear?
Roz: Ms. Thorndyke...
Dr. Niles Crane: [Fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing
[Fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat]
Dr. Niles Crane: . And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me
[Fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: .
Dr. Niles Crane: [Weakly] HA.

Dr. Niles Crane: [as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even...
[in normal voice]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...German. Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you.
[Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay]
Dr. Niles Crane: When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.
Roz: [in an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?
Dr. Niles Crane: Be quiet, mother!
[Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles]
Dr. Niles Crane: Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father.
[as Frasier directs, Niles gets more and more frustrated]
Dr. Niles Crane: I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave. Okay, that's it! Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.
[two fake gunshots]
Dr. Niles Crane: Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo*! Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: Thank you.
[to Roz]
Dr. Niles Crane: What was your name again, dear?
Roz: Mrs. Thorndyke.
Dr. Niles Crane: [fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing.
[fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat]
Dr. Niles Crane: And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane: [weakly] HA.

Frasier: [finishing his broadcast] Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of "Nightmare Inn". Just set your dials for goosebumps. Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that you never know what's lurking in the shadows.
[laughs diabolically, goes off-air]
Roz: Well, that should certainly comfort the woman who called in about her paranoia.

Frasier: Did you see anything suspicious, Wing?
Bulldog Briscoe: Oh, me no looky. Me go beddy bye chop chop.
Roz: Stop! Chinese embassy on line 1. You can't say that.


"Frasier: Three Dates and a Breakup (#4.19)" (1997)
[after the waitress tells Roz that her friend John had to cancel]
Waitress: Roz Doyle, right?
Roz Doyle: Yeah.
Waitress: Sorry, you don't look anything like he described on the phone.
Roz Doyle: All right, before I do anything crazy - like, go to the airport, fly to Wisconsin, and crash a wedding - did I really look that bad the other day?
[Sherry enters]
Sherry Dempsey: Hi, boys!
[to Roz]
Sherry Dempsey: Say, you look familiar. Did I meet your older sister in here the other day? Oh, she must be jealous of you!
[Roz marches out of the cafe]
Roz Doyle: TAXI!

Roz Doyle: You haven't seen my friend John here, have you?
Frasier: No.
Roz Doyle: We're meeting for coffee. I'm going to tell him that I'm on my way to a chic cocktail party. This is the "Roz" that I want him to tell people about at that wedding in Wisconsin.
Frasier: The vain, neurotic, lying Roz?

[Roz enters the Cafe wearing an elegant dress]
Niles: You look like an almost-passable version of someone who works with my brother.
Roz Doyle: Bite me!
Niles: Oh, it is you.

[Frasier brags about having three dates in a row that weekend]
Roz Doyle: Not bad.
Frasier: "Not bad"? If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was a little jealous. After this weekend you may have to give up your dating crown.
Roz Doyle: I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires.
Frasier: [deflated] It's a wonder you could rotate anything after that.


"Frasier: A Mid-Winter Night's Dream (#1.17)" (1994)
Frasier: Oh hi, Roz, how are you?
Roz Doyle: Do you really want to know how I am, or are you just making conversation? Because if you really want to know how I am, I'll tell you.
Frasier: Well, I was just making conversation.

Frasier: Actually, Roz, there's some advice I need.
Roz Doyle: [moody] About what?
Frasier: A subject in which you're quite well-versed, sex.
Roz Doyle: [brightly] How can I help you?

Frasier: What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?
Roz Doyle: I get dressed and go home.

Roz Doyle: My point is, that women need to see the men they make love to as exciting, romantic figures. So I say, if you want to keep this woman interested, try creating a fantasy for an evening. Personally, I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator.
Frasier: Roz, this is not for me, this is for my brother, Niles.
Roz Doyle: Oh! Well, in that case, make it a gladiola.


"Frasier: Head Game (#4.5)" (1996)
[Roz checks out one of Bulldog's guests, a pro basketball player]
Roz: Can I ask you a favor?
Bulldog: Yeah, forget it. He's married!
Roz: Hey! That's pretty offensive. Why did you assume that's what I wanted?
Bulldog: Okay, then. What did you want?
Roz: Well... I don't know. I just wondered if...
Bulldog: [blowing a horn in her face] Time's up.

[Niles's counseling has turned around a basketball player's game, making him the toast of Seattle]
Niles: I must admit I find this all a bit mystifying. Do people really care this much about a basketball game?
Roz: Are you kidding? This is Seattle. It rains nine months out of the year. We take our indoor sports very seriously.
Niles: Well, I know you always have!
Roz: [forcing a smile] You're a hero today so I'm going to let that one go.

[Niles gets complimentary basketball tickets]
Niles: Tell me, does one still wear a white sweater jauntily tied around the neck to these things?
Roz: If one wants to get the crap beaten out of one!

Niles: That last piece of sabotage was not amusing.
Roz: [chortling] Then why did milk come out of my nose?


"Frasier: Good Grief (#6.1)" (1998)
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey doc. Roz. Wait till you hear this. I got a job today.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really?
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: You ought to rub me for good luck.
Roz Doyle: Where?
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Well start on my knee, work your way up.
Roz Doyle: Where's the job?
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Oh, it's this new all-sports station. I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan: 'Coffee, eggs and Bulldog.'
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sounds like some sort of a Malaysian Happy Meal.

Gil Chesterton: A word of caution on the hummus: To be avoided, as a leper would avoid a magic teacup ride.
Roz Doyle: Gil, Frasier made that.
Gil Chesterton: Oh I'm so sorry.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's quite all right. I understand. You need to flex your critical muscles while you're between jobs.
Gil Chesterton: Oh good, then you might enjoy this one: After sampling your unnuanced baba ganoush, I was tempted to describe your entire Middle-Eastern buffet as 'The Sorrow and the Pita.' Oh who's got a pencil, I've got to write that one down.

Roz Doyle: [an unemployed Frasier is lying on the couch, sobbing.] Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [still crying] No career, no relationship, no hope!
Roz Doyle: You can say the same thing about me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was talking about you!
[Roz smacks him]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say--
[Frasier yells loudly.]
Martin Crane: What are you trying to do, kill him?

Daphne Moon: [Frasier is having a hysterical breakdown] Well don't blame this on me! She brought the bloody tape over!
Roz Doyle: Oh, so this is all my fault? You saw that tape!
Daphne Moon: I've seen your baby too, she could stand to miss a meal or two!
Roz Doyle: She's a healthy baby!


"Frasier: Frasier Grinch (#3.9)" (1995)
Waitress: I'm sorry sir, your card didn't clear. I have to do this.
[cuts up Niles's credit card]
Niles: Wait, wait! What are you doing?
Waitress: The computer said "credit cancelled by order of co-signatory."
Frasier: Maris has cancelled your credit card.
Roz Doyle: Whoa, Merry Christmas!
Waitress: Would you care to use a different one?
Niles: There's no point, they're all in her name.
[dials his cell phone]
Niles: I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit card, and my bank accounts...
[realizes the phone is dead]
Niles: And my phone service!

Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [wearing a sprig of mistletoe on his hat] Hey, Roz. You know what's over my head?
Roz Doyle: Almost any clever remark?
[Gil bursts out laughing]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: What's she mean by that?

Frasier: Oh, listen Roz. I know you've got a plane to catch and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad, so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early, hmm?
Roz Doyle: You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again, aren't you?
Frasier: Yes, I am. Be a lot easier without you sitting over there sticking your finger in your throat.

Bob: [v.o] Doc, I'm at the airport, and I'm having a lot of trouble getting on the plane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than on the ground...
Bob: That's not it. I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark for Christmas, but the flight the next gate over has a flight to Maui. I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why are you hesitant to go home?
Bob: Because it's the same thing every year. I travel three thousand miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family, and what do we talk about? What's going on in out lives? No. Our hopes and dreams? No. We talk about the turkey. "Boy, that's quite a bird." "Twenty-four pounder." "What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven, Ange?"
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Oh boy, that's moist. You must have been basting that bird all day."
Roz Doyle: "Are those walnuts in the stuffing?"
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Oh god, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven." I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same "gravy boat." But you see, the important thing is that we spend time with our loved ones. Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning six thousand miles away from your home.
Bob: Well, I tell ya, that really puts it in perspective, doc. I got a plane to catch.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mele Keleke Maka, Bob. We'll be right back after these messages.


"Frasier: A Lilith Thanksgiving (#4.7)" (1996)
[Roz is house-sitting for Frasier]
Frasier: Oh yes, and by the way, I frown on overnight guests.
Roz: Then you're not doing it right.

[Roz is house-sitting for Frasier]
Daphne: If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front. If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back, don't ask me why.
Roz: I don't know how you live with him.
Daphne: Huh, I don't know how you work with him.
Roz: Well, I have learned a trick: when he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight. Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy machine.
Daphne: Really? I tell him he's gained weight. He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to myself.
[they laugh and clink glasses]

Frasier: [giving Roz instructions on caring for his orchids] I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers.
Roz: I've produced your show for three years, haven't I?

Roz: This uncle of yours - does he dress like a woman all the time?
Daphne: No, certainly not for work. His congregation would never stand for it.


"Frasier: Rooms with a View (#10.8)" (2002)
[Frasier's blathering before Niles' surgery is annoying Niles]
Roz Doyle: I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, I'm pretty used to him by now.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, right, the - yes.

Roz Doyle: Oh, Daphne, it's okay, it's okay; everything's gonna be fine.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but, in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page 24 -
Daphne Crane: He's not a diagram! He's my husband! And he's on a table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm terrified.
Roz Doyle: Daphne, it's okay; just calm down. I mean, when all this is over we're just gonna -
Daphne Crane: There is no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year - there's *nothing* until he comes out of there and I know he's okay!

Roz Doyle: [Frasier and Martin are making a lot of noise at the vending machine, Frasier sticks his hand in the slot to get Martin's candy bar] What is going on over there?
Martin Crane: [about his candy bar] Chunky's stuck.
Roz Doyle: Well why did Chunky stick his arm in there in the first place?
[Frasier glares at her]

Roz Doyle: [in hospital flashback, coming in with Alice, anxious] Excuse me... my baby has a rash. I looked in the book and I don't think it's chickenpox, but it does kind of look like scarlet fever.
Colleen: [looks at Alice] Is this your first child?
Roz Doyle: Yes, why?
Colleen: It's just lipstick.


"Frasier: Hooping Cranes (#8.15)" (2001)
[Niles is wearing a complimentary letterman jacket]
Roz Doyle: Wow, Niles! You finally made varsity after thirty years, huh?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, but it's not a real varsity jacket, Roz, so you're under no obligation to sleep with me.
[she smiles]
Roz Doyle: See you around.
Dr. Niles Crane: Take care.

Roz Doyle: Hi, Frasier.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You may join me if you wish, Roz. Be forewarned, I am feeling a bit peevish.
Roz Doyle: Oh, for God's sake, you're like Goldilocks with that latte. "This foam is too hard, this foam is too soft"...
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, this is not about latte foam, Roz!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Ever since Niles made that basket, his head's been getting bigger and bigger.
Roz Doyle: Well, you have to admit it was pretty amazing.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Amazingly lucky! To hear Niles tell it, it all started with a little rubber factory in Sumatra, where an unsuspecting basketball began a journey that would lead to greatness.
Roz Doyle: So he's milking it a little bit, you'd do the same thing!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I would not! I would treat it as the chance occurrence it was... like finding a terrific parking spot in front of the opera house.
Roz Doyle: You bragged about that for weeks!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it was right in front of the steps, Roz!

Dr. Frasier Crane: And to think I was going to offer you these basketball tickets.
Roz Doyle: Well, can't use 'em anyway. I have a date with this French guy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So that's it, huh? No Americans left.


"Frasier: Roz and the Schnoz (#5.21)" (1998)
[on having in-laws without being married]
Roz: That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course.
[Frasier is shocked]
Roz: Shut up. I needed the credit.

[Roz is pregnant and dressed in a black dress]
Roz: Okay, give it to me straight. How do I look?
Frasier: Like Pollyanna grew up and got herself in a little trouble.

Dr. Niles Crane: [Frasier reluctantly agrees to go to a dog show with him] Thank you, thank you, I knew I could count on you for this, Frasier. It's nice to know that some things never change.
Roz: [a flustered Roz enters the cafe, carrying two suitcases] Do you guys know where I can get a cheap hotel room in a hurry?
Dr. Niles Crane: Case in point! Goodbye, Roz.

Roz: I'm just sitting here thinking, what if my kid gets Rick's nose, and my ears and eyes? Throw in my grandfather's third nipple, I might as well pitch a tent and charge admission.


"Frasier: The First Temptation of Daphne (#9.3)" (2001)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [going crazy from a chirping cricket] Do you have any idea what it's like to be awakened intermittently throughout an entire night?
Roz Doyle: I have a three year old. I can't remember the last time I slept through a night.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, of course. But this constant chirping and chirping, over and over. Really, you can't imagine it.
Roz Doyle: Really? Did the cricket crawl into bed with you? Did the cricket throw up on you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Gee, I wish I had a three year old, so I could win every argument.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Daphne is asking him about transference] I remember back in my days of private practice, I did have my share of female adulation.
Roz Doyle: Oh, my god, were you able to cure them?

Roz Doyle: Okay, so who is she?
Daphne Moon: Who's who?
Roz Doyle: Niles' patient.
Daphne Moon: All right. I saw one of his files by mistake. The woman is madly in love with him.
Roz Doyle: So who is she?
Daphne Moon: Her name is Heather Murphy.
Roz Doyle: Heather, huh? That's trouble. What else do you know?
Daphne Moon: Well, that's it. I only got a quick look at the file.
Roz Doyle: So what are you gonna do?
Daphne Moon: Nothing. Niles said he can't talk about his patients, so... what choice do I have? I should trust him.
Roz Doyle: If I found out some babe was after my guy, I would have to know everything about her. What she looks like, her profession, what she's being treated for.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Roz Doyle: What if she's a sex addict?
Daphne Moon: You can be treated for that?
Roz Doyle: So they say.


"Frasier: Crock Tales (#11.22)" (2004)
Roz: How's your new girlfriend?
Frasier: I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mount Crane and I believe she's feeling the effects of the altitude.
Roz: Is one of them nausea? Cause I'm getting that right now.

[Locked out on Frasier's balcony before a Fourth of July parade]
Roz: This sucks, I don't even have my cell phone. Don't you have your cell phone, Frasier?
Frasier: Roz, I'm Uncle Sam, I don't have a cell phone. I shouldn't even have this zipper.

Daphne: [Speaking about sex with Niles] ... and just when I thought I'd worn him out, he flips me over like a griddle cake and we were off again! I tell you he's spoiled me for any other man.
Roz: Niles? Frasier's brother Niles?


"Frasier: Frasier Loves Roz (#3.22)" (1996)
Roz Doyle: Would you stop worrying about me, Frasier? This one's different. I can tell he really cares about me.
Ben: [handing Roz her coffee] Here you go, Sunshine.

Roz Doyle: Oh, hey Daphne.
Daphne Moon: Hello, Roz. How are you?
Roz Doyle: Okay. Can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you?
Daphne Moon: Oh, God yes.
Roz Doyle: I haven't even finished my question yet.
Daphne Moon: Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.

Roz Doyle: Everything was going great until I said, "I love you, Ben," and then he got this look on his face like he'd taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighborhood.


"Frasier: The Good Son (#1.1)" (1993)
[Frasier's single life has been upset by his father moving in with him]
Roz: Ever heard of Lupe Velez?
Frasier: Who?
Roz: Lupe Velez, the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.
Frasier: Is there a reason you're telling me this story?
Roz: Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.
Frasier: Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.
Roz: All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?

Frasier: How was I today?
Roz: Let's see... you dropped two commercials, you left a total of twenty-eight seconds of dead air, you scrambled the station's call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board, and you kept referring to Jerry, with the identity crisis, as "Jeff."

[last lines]
Roz: Dr Crane, we have Claire on line four. She's having a problem getting over a relationship.
Frasier: Hello, Claire. I'm listening.
Claire: I'm a... well, I'm a mess! Eight months ago my boyfriend and I broke up, and I just can't get over it. The pain isn't going away. It's almost like I'm in mourning or something.
Frasier: Claire, you are in mourning. But you're not mourning the loss of your boyfriend. You're mourning the loss of what you thought your life was going to be. Let it go. Things don't always work out how you planned; that's not necessarily bad. Things have a way of working out anyway... have you ever heard of Lupe Velez?


"Frasier: She's the Boss (#3.1)" (1995)
Roz: All right, all right, listen up everyone, I've been working the office grapevine, I've got the scoop on the new boss.
Gil Chesterton: Is she going to fire me?
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey, first things first! Is she baggable?
Roz: Forget it, Bulldog; she'd have you for breakfast.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Right, like I ever stick around that long.
Roz: Anyway, the word is that she's like this psycho perfectionist. Everyone at her last station was scared to death of her. She's kind of becoming my idol.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey, what if she hates sports? I need this job! I just promised my mom a new pacemaker! Wait, think I could get her to believe I said "pasta maker?"

Frasier: [Frasier and Roz have been exiled to the wee hours] Really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we?
Roz: Frasier, I want you to flash forward to tonight. It's sometime after midnight. Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Ralee. Dennis has just asked me back to his penthouse apartment to see his priceless collection of silk sheets. And I lean forward and whisper, "I can't. I have to go to work in an hour." What is wrong with this picture?
Frasier: Well, for starters, you at Le Ralee. It's a two-week wait.
Roz: So is Dennis Abbott! Frasier, we have got to get our old time slot back!
Frasier: Don't worry, Roz, we will she just moved us to break our spirit.
Roz: Well, she can saddle me up and ride me around the room! I can't do this again!
[They leave the booth. Kate is waiting in the hallway]
Kate Costas: Good morning!
Frasier: Hello.
Kate Costas: Enjoying your new time slot?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating! Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, uh, you know, with the delusions of grandeur? Couldn't understand why nobody liked her.
Kate Costas: Well, I hope you explained to her that it's not important that people like her, as long as they respect her.
Frasier: Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect.
Kate Costas: Oh, yes, yes, but some people - and this is so unfortunate - can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness.
Frasier: Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective... of what others expect.
Kate Costas: Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?
Frasier: I think I made myself clear.
Kate Costas: Well, I really do have work to do. I've got to find somebody for your old time slot - now that it's free!
Frasier: Good luck!
[Kate leaves]
Roz: Nice going, Frasier; now she's never gonna give in.
Frasier: Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people in other situations, but here at KACL she'll find that we are NOT a bunch of spineless twits!
[Bulldog sticks his head out of a door]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [Whispering] Hey, is she gone?

Roz: You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career going down the toilet.
Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.
Roz: Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!
Frasier: Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!
Roz: Okay, let me make it easy for you: freaks! Freaks on Line One! Freaks on Line Two! Freaks everywhere!


"Frasier: A Word to the Wiseguy (#3.15)" (1996)
Brandi: Money ain't everything, especially when you got a sex life like ours.
Roz Doyle: He's not even good in bed?
Brandi: Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh for... you know this really isn't necessary...
Brandi: I said to him last night, "What the hell was that? I've been vaccinated slower!"

Roz Doyle: You know, I was once involved with a guy who got into trouble with the cops...
Dr. Niles Crane: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.

Roz Doyle: [gives Niles a card] Here you go, Jerome Belasco.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?
Roz Doyle: The next time you have a smart remark about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, you just keep it to yourself.
Dr. Niles Crane: [looks her up and down] Consider it done.
[she snatches the card back]


"Frasier: Roz's Krantz & Gouldenstein Are Dead (#4.15)" (1997)
[Roz is picking up trash on the roadside]
Roz: About a month ago, I got stopped doing sixty in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone. It was either a huge fine or community service. So here I am. It's a nightmare. Breathing exhaust fumes, using a spatula to scrape up road kills...
Frasier: Well, at least look on the bright side. You're outdoors, you can enjoy nature, you're beautifying our highways...
Roz: Frasier, I found an ear!

Roz: You should have seen him, Frasier. He was raring to go, he kept bragging about how good he was and how much fun it was going to be, and he dies on me!
Bulldog: Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?
Frasier: Bulldog...
Bulldog: No, no. This is a pet peeve of mine, doc. Why is it always the guy's fault? You know, if you chicks needed a little less booze to get from "maybe" to "yes," we'd be a lot more alert when the moment of truth arrives.
Frasier: Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman and he died.
Bulldog: Oh, well... when I said "We" I didn't mean me, because I don't have that...
[Frasier and Roz just wait]
Bulldog: Hey, you're a doctor, that was confidential!

[Roz's friend at the retirement home died suddenly]
Roz: It just seems so unfair.
[Niles enters]
Roz: One minute he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy, ten seconds later it's over.
Niles: For heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life. Why can't you women take it as a compliment?


"Frasier: Three Valentines (#6.14)" (1999)
Roz Doyle: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, it's Frasier. Look, I need your help.
Roz Doyle: Well, I don't have much time, I'm on my way out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: OK, just answer me this: How do you know if you're on a date?
Roz Doyle: Are you alone?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes.
Roz Doyle: Then you're not on a date.

Roz Doyle: She ditched her dress and she's hitting the sauce. What do you need, runway lights on the mattress?

Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm in Cassandra's hotel room. She invited me up here after dinner. I'm just not sure what it means.
Roz Doyle: What it means? What it means is that even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.


"Frasier: Hot Pursuit (#7.18)" (2000)
Roz: [on the phone] Thanks for watching Alice, Laurie. I really owe you one... Well, I just want to get down to this cocktail party before all the good men are taken... What? I just want to have a little fun tonight... No. I do not mean that. All right, I do mean that.

Frasier: It's only seven o'clock and Marge Whitmeyer is already in the bar arm-wrestling people for drinks.
Roz: How many did you buy her?
Frasier: Well, three, but my elbow was in a wet spot.

Roz: Where did we go wrong? Rush Hour Rita was draping herself all over you, and that news guy actually said to me if I gave him twenty-two minutes he'd give me the world.


"Frasier: Roz in the Doghouse (#2.12)" (1995)
Bulldog: Hey, you got nice feet!
Roz: Really? You don't think they're too big?
Bulldog: You kidding? I could get this whole thing in my mouth, easy.

Frasier: [Frasier enters Roz's apartment, carrying a white box] Hi, Roz. How were things at the emergency room?
Roz: Frustrating. You know how it is - you're sitting there in complete agony and every crybaby with a gunshot wound waltzes right in ahead of you. How was it after I left?
Frasier: It was OK. Weird Bruce from Engineering took over for you.
[looking around]
Frasier: That's quite a boot collection. Wouldn't it be easier just to put notches in your bed post?
Roz: Those are mine. You hate the way I've decorated, don't you?
Frasier: No, no. Matter of fact, I admire your courage.
Roz: Is that for me?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
[hands box to her]
Frasier: Freud said that there are only two things we need to make us happy: work and love.
Roz: Aw, thanks, Frasier!
[opens the box]
Roz: So you brought me work.
Frasier: Well, I thought answering some of the fan mail that had been piling up would give you something to do. And remember, this time death threats don't get photos.

Frasier: Oh, Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you, so he's being more subtle. But, his ultimate goal remains to... well, to...
Roz: [sharply] To what?
Dr. Niles Crane: To play Æneas to your Dido.
[pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: Sorry you had to hear that, Daphne.


"Frasier: Three Blind Dates (#9.17)" (2002)
Roz Doyle: Is Frasier here? I need him to approve the latest version of his bio.
Dr. Niles Crane: [taking it from Roz] Why does he keep updating his bio? What's changed in the last few years.
[reading]
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, his date of birth! He's now four years younger than I am.

Daphne Moon: [Daphne and Roz want to set Frasier up on a date] No, we should go with my person first. You don't have the best track record.
Roz Doyle: Me? Whenever you've set me up with guys, I knew they were losers the second I saw them. They turned out to be bad in bed, too.

Roz Doyle: Frasier knows pretty much everything there is to know about wine.
[exuberantly, selling again]
Roz Doyle: Tell us some things about wine, Frasier!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [teasing Roz] Sometimes you have to know when to put a cork in it.


"Frasier: Dark Victory (#2.24)" (1995)
[playing a game called "I'm the Dullest Person"]
Frasier: If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?
Daphne: I can't think of anything.
Frasier: Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...
Daphne: Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.
Frasier: Okay, that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see, it should be something that someone else might have actually...
[Roz throws in a penny]
Frasier: ...done.
[Roz throws in three more pennies while everyone else stares at her]
Roz: I was in college, I was trying to find myself!
Niles: All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.

Roz: The blackout hit just as the elevator doors opened on the fourteenth floor. So I stood in the hallway trying to decide whether to come back in here with you guys or take my chances on the pitch-black streets with the muggers and the weirdos. So I went down a couple of flights, and then I changed my mind. Meanwhile someone's probably looting my apartment!
Niles: Yes, I hear there's a thriving black market in badly-designed Formica coffee tables.
Roz: At least I have my own sense of style. You won't even buy a chair unless some fey French aristocrat has sat his fat satin fanny in it!
Niles: Louis the Fourteenth was not fey! Everyone wore garters in the eighteenth century!

Roz: I mean, how long can I go on chasing these hunky twenty-five year-olds that are all looks and no substance?
Frasier: Exactly, Roz.
Roz: No, I'm serious. I'm asking, how long? Three, four years?


"Frasier: The Two Mrs. Cranes (#4.1)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, listen, I'm going to the opera tonight. You didn't happen to remember to bring my...
Roz Doyle: Oh, your opera glasses! I'm so sorry, they completely slipped my mind.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I wouldn't really mind, if you hadn't borrowed them just to ogle that bodybuilder that moved in across the street.
Roz Doyle: Hey, I've just looked once or twice. It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox, so I could look up his number and call him while he was in the shower, so I could watch him cross the room naked to answer the phone in front of the picture window. That would be wrong.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Look, I want them back. I refuse to squint through Pagliacci while you're trying to watch "The Magic Flute!"

Daphne: You'd think with all your dozens and dozens of men, you could at least leave one for me.
Roz Doyle: Dozens? Did you tell her that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well forgive me for keeping track.


"Frasier: The Gift Horse (#5.2)" (1997)
[Roz enters the cafe]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, good morning, Roz.
Roz Doyle: Good morning.
[she grabs Frasier and kisses him. He wrestles free]
Dr. Frasier Crane: What the hell was that?
Roz Doyle: [looks behind her] Oh, shoot! He's not even here!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Who?
Roz Doyle: Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month? I thought he was right behind me. I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children, that will really fix his wagon.

[Niles walks in and sees Roz and Frasier kissing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just...
[as she keeps nuzzling him]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just stop that!
Dr. Niles Crane: Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the Archbishop.
Roz Doyle: I'll save you the club dues.
Dr. Niles Crane: What-?
[Roz kisses Niles and exits]
Dr. Niles Crane: Everyone kisses better than Maris!


"Frasier: No Sex Please, We're Skittish (#11.1)" (2003)
Roz Doyle: I can't believe I left KACL over some stupid snit.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh yes, yes, your ultimatum. Frasier told me about that. Listen, this isn't an easy subject to broach, but is it possible you're in love with Frasier?
Roz Doyle: Absolutely not.
Dr. Niles Crane: You sound sure.
Roz Doyle: I am sure. I mean, if I were going to fall for him it would have been two years ago when we slept together.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well then, another theory I'd like to explore is... HO, BACK UP!

Dr. Niles Crane: So, you're not in love. But your behavior last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis. As a psychiatrist...
Roz Doyle: I just want my job back. I'm not looking for some big therapy trip.
Dr. Niles Crane: All right. Well, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug and waltz back to the station as if nothing ever happened?
Roz Doyle: That's *perfect*! Thanks!
Dr. Niles Crane: No, no. I was being facetious. My real advice would be...
Roz Doyle: I know, talk about my feelings. Blah, blah, woof, woof. I gotta go, Niles. Thanks again!


"Frasier: The Perfect Guy (#5.17)" (1998)
[all the male employees at the station are jealous of the new radio host, an impossibly handsome man]
Gil Chesterson: I must confess, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
[stunned silence]
Roz: You didn't notice? You of all people?
Gil Chesterson: Just what are you insinuating?
Roz: Well, you know, that you're a little, er...
Gil Chesterson: For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
[stunned silence]
Frasier: You're... married?
Bulldog: To a woman?
Gil Chesterson: Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb. Well, how often have I said, "I must be running along now, Deb will be waiting"?
Roz: We thought Deb was your cat.
Gil Chesterson: She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop. Honestly, the conclusions people make, just because a man dresses well and knows how to use a pastry bag!
[he exits]
Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.

Roz: I can't work with a guy that handsome...! No offense.
Frasier: Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to looks, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same...
Roz: Species?
Frasier: Well, I was going to say "league," but "species" is so much more insulting!


"Frasier: A Crane's Critique (#4.4)" (1996)
[Niles notices Roz checking out a man]
Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz: Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.

[Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolized]
Roz: Well, why don't you go over and introduce yourself?
Niles: I can't just walk up to a god like that.
Roz: Well, find a subtler way.
Niles: In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?


"Frasier: A Day in May (#8.23)" (2001)
[Daphne opens the door to Roz and Alice]
Roz Doyle: Hey, Daphne.
Daphne Moon: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?
Roz Doyle: We're borrowing Frasier's car.
Daphne Moon: Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.

Dr. Niles Crane: Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?
Roz Doyle: Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You said you were getting a tune-up!
Roz Doyle: [leaving hastily] It needs one, trust me!


"Frasier: The Club (#2.18)" (1995)
Roz: It's eating you up inside, isn't it?
Frasier: Like a carnivorous bacteria.

Frasier: Oh look, there's Niles. No, no, don't look! Pretend we don't even see him.
Roz: Real mature, Frasier.
Frasier: Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase that I've been rehearsing for a lifetime: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."


"Frasier: The Botched Language of Cranes (#2.6)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'd like to just say, as I've been saying for the last three hours, that it was not my intent to... cause anyone offense. But it seems obvious that I have, I would like to say this: I apologize. I do not find Seattle a depressing place to live. It would take more than clouds to obscure the beauty of her landscape and more than drizzle to dampen the warmth and good fellowship that makes Seattle the only place in this bad old world that I care to call home. 'Till Monday, then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane signing off.
[Frasier presses a button on his control panel and takes his headset off]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good grief! Have you ever in your life heard such a bunch of whiny, provincial crybabies? I swear to God, this entire city has lost its tiny, rain-addled mind!
Roz Doyle: Uh, Dr. Crane, we're still on the air.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [awkward pause] Thank you, Roz.

Roz Doyle: Is that a new TV?
Martin Crane: Yeah.
Roz Doyle: That's great. Did you get it hooked up yet?
Martin Crane: No, I decided I'd let Niles take a crack at it first.


"Frasier: Tales from the Crypt (#10.5)" (2002)
Bulldog Briscoe: Roz, you just missed the classic prank of all time. I'll admit it, this was my masterpiece.
Roz Doyle: Oh, who, who? Who'd you get?
Kenny Daly: [entering] There he is!
Bulldog Briscoe: I got this friend down at the impound lot, who came across a smashed-up BMW, same make and model as Frasier's.
Roz Doyle: You didn't! You got Frasier! Bulldog: I had his car towed from the garage, the wreck went in its place.
Kenny Daly: The doc totally freaked when he saw it. First he started swearing, and then he implored the heavens, and just when his lip started trembling, Bulldog comes out, tells him it's all a prank.
Bulldog Briscoe: Hey, Bulldog observes the mercy rule. Besides, I got the whole thing on tape.

Dr. Frasier Crane: For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says, "I AM PRO OPERA AND I VOTE!"
Roz Doyle: Frasier, you've got to admit, it was clever.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I admit nothing. That is the last we shall discuss of it, we have a show to do.
Roz Doyle: OK.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today we will be discussing the topic of fears. Are they irrational hindrances, or evolutionary tools? Hmmm... the surprising answer, after these words.
[He goes to commercial]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [on tape; wailing] My car! Ohhhh, no - my caaar! What did they do to you? Oh, my bay-beee...!


"Frasier: Wheels of Fortune (#9.16)" (2002)
Roz Doyle: You got a message: A "Blaine Sternin" called.
Frasier: [quickly rising out of his seat] Blaine Sternin? Call him back; tell him I'm dead.
Roz Doyle: Sternin... Is he related to Lilith?
Frasier: Yes. He's Lilith's half-brother, the curse of the family. What does it say when Lilith is the good one?
Roz Doyle: He sounded charming on the phone.
Frasier: Well, of course he sounded charming. Charm is the viscous grease with which he oils his flim-flam machine.

Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Roz Doyle: What?
Frasier: This number he left: It's local. The beast walks among us.


"Frasier: The Show Where Sam Shows Up (#2.16)" (1995)
[after meeting Sam's fiancee, Sheila]
Frasier: Oh my God... I slept with that woman three months ago.
[Niles and Roz gape at him]
Roz Doyle: *You* slept with *her*?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?

Roz Doyle: [entering from booth] Fras, I gotta go. Your messages are on my desk and... whoa, who is this?
Sam Malone: I'm Sam Malone. I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.
Frasier: This is Roz Doyle.
Roz Doyle: [to Frasier] So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt?
[to Sam]
Roz Doyle: Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Sam Malone: Well, you know, to tell you the truth, I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier: Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent. Good-bye, Roz.
Roz Doyle: Well, if you need any company, give me a call. Here's my number.
Sam Malone: Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card.
Frasier: Yes, it glows in the dark.
Roz Doyle: So do I.


"Frasier: The Dinner Party (#6.17)" (1999)
Frasier: [Roz enters in fancy evening dress. Daphne is to the side in a robe, she holds another dress] Oh, Roz! That's lovely!
Daphne: Oh! We have twenty minutes.
[both ladies start for Daphne's room]
Niles: What's going on?
Roz: There's a huge reception at the British Consulate tonight. Daphne got us tickets!
Daphne: [ladies continue toward Daphne's room] Who knows, Roz? You just may meet a charming British lord who'll make you a lady!
Niles: [to Frasier] At this point, I think it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.

Niles: [notices Daphne's tacky, revealing dress] Daphne, you're not actually going out in that, are you?
Daphne: [throws the dress away and falls back onto the bed] That's it, I'm staying home.
Roz: No, just try it; we can accessorize it.
Niles: With what? A lamp post and a public defender?


"Frasier: Come Lie with Me (#3.12)" (1996)
Frasier: I was going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house. Is that too...
Roz: Amish?
Frasier: I was going to say selfish.
Roz: Oh, let's see. "Please Daphne don't have sex. It disturbs my reading." No, that's not too selfish!

[Niles is obsessing about not being invited to any more society functions]
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh wait, wait. I know what happened. My invitation just got lost in the mail... No, it's not so far fetched. It could have been mis-sorted, or a stamp could have fallen off, or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier. Ho-downs are catnip to postal workers!
[Roz enters in time to catch the last sentence]
Roz: Well, I'd ask you to explain that, but then... you would.


"Frasier: Secret Admirer (#6.6)" (1998)
Roz Doyle: Oh, my God. You have two women?
Dr. Frasier Crane: At least.
Roz Doyle: And you're juggling them? And you're getting jewelry?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why is that so hard to believe?
Roz Doyle: Well, I guess since they cloned that sheep, anything's possible.

Roz Doyle: Hey, Frasier! Nancy, hi!
Nancy: Hi!
Roz Doyle: So, are you back to work yet?
Nancy: Almost, I start at KNFS tomorrow.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Roz, Nancy and I are having coffee.
Roz Doyle: Oh, none for me, thanks.
[to waitress]
Roz Doyle: Listen, can I have a fat-free muffin, please? Nancy, I have been dying to call you. My cousin just moved to town and I think he'd be perfect for you!
Nancy: Actually, I just started seeing someone.
Roz Doyle: Well, you'll forget all about him when you meet Chuck. He is so handsome and rugged and he loves the outdoors...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Kindly leave him there. You see, the person that Nancy is seeing is me.
Roz Doyle: Really? You two are dating?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Even as we speak!
Roz Doyle: Oh, my God! I am so sorry. Well, good for you! I mean, who needs Chuck when you've got... well, the anti-Chuck?
[she gets up]
Roz Doyle: When my muffin gets here, could you send it over?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You won't even see it coming.


"Frasier: Shutout in Seattle: Part 2 (#6.24)" (1999)
Roz Doyle: Give him a break, he's just having fun.
Frasier: That's exactly what I'd expect to hear from someone who's willing to spend the night as Bulldog's squeak toy.
Roz Doyle: That is not funny! It was one night, and I would appreciate it if you would just let it drop.
Frasier: You're right, I'm sorry, that was tactless of me. Tell you what, let me make it up to you. I've got an extra theater ticket tonight. Faye's busy, why don't you join me?
Roz Doyle: No, thanks.
Frasier: No, please, Roz. It's a delightful little show. I'll even throw in dinner.
Roz Doyle: Busy.
Frasier: Really. A date?
Roz Doyle: [exploding] I have plans! Plans! What are you, a cop? I've got to account for every waking minute? My private life is my own business!
Frasier: Bulldog!
Roz Doyle: [bursting into tears] I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm weak. I can't stop myself!
Frasier: Yes you can, Roz.
Roz Doyle: Okay, I don't want to stop myself. He's good. He's really good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.
Frasier: Roz, it's Bulldog! Doesn't that bother you?
Roz Doyle: You'd think.

[Frasier has just called Faye "Cassandra" again by accident]
Frasier: It is one syllable! What is wrong with me?
[Roz starts to laugh]
Frasier: Well, I'm glad to see you're amused.
Roz Doyle: No, I'm not, I'm just having a flashback to my summer of Ted, Todd and Tad.


"Frasier: Sweet Dreams (#5.24)" (1998)
Bulldog: Oh, by the way: Roz, baby or no baby, your ass has never looked better.
Roz: Shut up!
[Bulldog exits]
Roz: How sick is that?
Frasier: Well, he's just being Bulldog.
Roz: No - that I liked hearing it?

Frasier: You know, frankly, I'm terribly upset about this. You know, I think we'll go down there and join that rally.
Roz: Good for you, Frasier.
Frasier: I refuse to stand idly by while some fat-cat bully rides roughshod over the little people.
Daphne Moon: I don't want to go to a rally!
Frasier: Oh, tough luck - you're the chauffeur!


"Frasier: Shutout in Seattle: Part 1 (#6.23)" (1999)
[Niles and Roz share a late-night coffee at the cafe]
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm sorry, Roz, I'm afraid I'm not going to be very good company tonight.
Roz Doyle: Well, whatever your problems are, you'll laugh at them when you hear what I've been through. I had a date tonight. I got halfway down my driveway when he called me on my car phone and cancelled. I was too humiliated to go back in the house and face the sitter, so - don't ask me why - I went to the zoo. You really want to feel good about yourself? Put on your best outfit and walk through the monkey house on a Saturday night. And be sure and stop by and see Remo the baboon, who knows all kinds of ways to have fun without a date. Feeling better about your problem?
Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne and Donny got engaged yesterday.
Roz Doyle: Oh my God...
Dr. Niles Crane: Yeah, and lucky me, I had to sit there and watch, horrified. There wasn't a thing I could to do stop it. Much like your monkey house experience.

Roz Doyle: Oh God, not her. I hate her! She's in my spinning class at the gym, I'm killing myself trying to take off these last five pregnancy pounds and nothing! Meanwhile she's down at the snack bar stuffing her face and waving to everybody, acting all friendly. She's such a phony.
Kit: Hi Roz!
Roz Doyle: Hey Kit, you were great in class tonight.
Kit: Are you kidding? I've been such an oinker lately.
Roz Doyle: Oh.
[they both laugh]
Kit: What can I get you?
Roz Doyle: Oh a non-fat latte for me.
Kit: Coming right up.
Roz Doyle: See what I mean, she's such a fake.


"Frasier: Frasier's Edge (#8.9)" (2001)
Roz Doyle: [to Gil who has just lost an award] Come on, Gil. Isn't it enough to be enough?
Gil Chesterton: You tell me, Miss Three-Time Loser.

Roz Doyle: [to Kenny, who has passed the presenter's role to Martin] You are such a weenie.
Kenny Daly: Yeah, weenie like a fox.


"Frasier: Room Full of Heroes (#9.6)" (2001)
Roz Doyle: We've been out trick-or-treating all afternoon and Alice is exhausted.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's strange, there's hardly been any kids in this building.
Roz Doyle: Are you kidding? I rode up on the elevator with 5 Britney Spears' and a sweaty Harry Potter.

Roz Doyle: Wonder Woman really is my hero, she's everything I admire: beautiful, smart, independent, moral...
Dr. Niles Crane: [drunk, as Martin] And talk about hooters.
Martin Crane: [to Niles] Hey, I keep that to myself.


"Frasier: An Affair to Forget (#2.21)" (1995)
Roz: If you want to know if a man is cheating, you offer him two choices for dinner. One that's rich and fattening, and one that's light and sensible. If he picks the one that's calorie-packed, he doesn't mind turning into a bloated pig, which means he's happily married and you're in the clear. If he picks the diet plate, it means he's staying in shape for his main squeeze, and you should get yourself a lawyer who can sue the sweat off a racehorse.

[Niles' wife Maris is having an affair with the husband of one of Frasier's callers]
Roz: You just tell her that you know she's been mattress surfing with some other guy and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.
Frasier: It's not that easy! You don't know this woman, she doesn't deal with confrontation very well! I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on a golf kart.


"Frasier: Daphne's Room (#2.17)" (1995)
Frasier: Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes.
Roz: Woof!
Frasier: And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out!
Niles: Oh, so I'm a coward?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: Well, I'm a coward with a hickey!
Roz: Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes.

[Roz sits at Frasier and Niles's table]
Roz: So, Niles, you randy dog, you got lucky last night, didn't you?
[Niles reacts]
Roz: I can always tell.
[looks at Frasier]
Roz: Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody.


"Frasier: Mixed Doubles (#4.6)" (1996)
[Niles has asked Roz to take him to a singles bar she calls "The Sure Thing."]
Niles: Well, I'm here. I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing mismatched socks, and I'm so nervous, I could wet myself.
Roz Doyle: Well, at least we have your opening line down.
Niles: You're going to have to be patient with me, Roz; this isn't exactly my milieu.
Roz Doyle: Okay, let's make that lesson number one: If you're going to use words like "milieu," you might as well show up here with a sore on your lip and a couple of kids.

Roz Doyle: Now, Daphne. If the jewelry wasn't that good, and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost, here?
Frasier: Roz weighs in with the Gabor approach to therapy.


"Frasier: The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl (#3.7)" (1995)
Roz Doyle: [In the studio the morning after Frasier's on-air romp with Kate] Okay, *Fabio.* I want two things. One: you will never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Done.
Roz Doyle: And two: Who's 'Dirty Girl'?
[smiles]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I *can't* tell you that.
Roz Doyle: Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul!
[the phone rings. Roz answers it]
Roz Doyle: Yes?
[turns away from Frasier]
Roz Doyle: Not yet, I'll call you back.
[She puts the phone down and gets a glare from Frasier. Bulldog enters]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Doc? I got one thing to say to you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go ahead, take your best shot.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [in genuine admiration] I am so proud of you, man!
[He hugs a very unmoved Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Bulldog, haven't you already seen?
[points to newspapers]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.
Roz Doyle: [picks up a newspaper and shows it to Bulldog] Don't you see this right here?
[reads]
Roz Doyle: 'I Won't Fink, Says Kinky Shrink.'
[Roz and Bulldog laugh; Frasier looks fed up. Roz leaves for her booth. A very uncomfortable-looking Kate creeps in through the side door]
Kate Costas: Good afternoon, Dr Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ms. Costas.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [to Kate] Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was.
Kate Costas: [pained] Bulldog, this is really none of your business.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz.
[Roz, who has just returned, is outraged]
Roz Doyle: What? Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am?
[Kate looks extremely uncomfortable]
Kate Costas: Dr Crane, could I have a word with you in private?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Er, I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.
Kate Costas: Actually you don't. I'm suspending you for a week. Bulldog, you're going on. Roz - you'll have to produce.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: All right!
[He slaps Roz's butt enthusiastically; Roz hits him in the stomach with her clipboard]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Kate] I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered.
Kate Costas: Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company.
[She leaves]

[Kate assigns Frasier to work the 8-10 shift]
Roz Doyle: She thinks we're all as happy to work at night as she is. You're a psychiatrist, Frasier. She's a cold, repressed workaholic who has no sex life whatsoever. Can't you help her?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [deadpan] I've tried, Roz.


"Frasier: The Friend (#3.11)" (1996)
Roz Doyle: I just love it when I'm right. It makes the day so good.

Bob: [Frasier is hiding under the desk in his booth to avoid Bob] I just found out there's a vacancy in his building. Guess who's going to be neighbours?
[Frasier emits a small moan]
Bob: What was that?
Roz Doyle: Feedback. This equipment's old. And PATHETIC!


"Frasier: The Last Time I Saw Maris (#3.8)" (1995)
[about Noel's petition to add a new character to the cast of "Star Trek" based on her]
Roz Doyle: I am the joke of the station. When I used to come in in the morning the guard would say, "Morning, Roz." Now it's "All hail, Rozalinda!"

[Frasier gets a panic-stricken call from Niles, telling him Maris is missing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, Roz, how much time left in the show?
Roz Doyle: No, you go, do whatever you have to do, I'll handle things here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're sure you can manage?
Roz Doyle: If I can nurse quadruplets and still find time to rule Rozniak, I can do anything!


"Frasier: Out with Dad (#7.15)" (2000)
Frasier: He goes too far!
Roz Doyle: Yeah, some nerve, ditching you to spend Valentine's Day with his girlfriend.
Martin: Look, Frasier, I don't blame you for being a little jealous because he's got someone and you don't...
Frasier: I am not jealous, Dad! I am simply appalled by his rudeness. I was looking forward to this evening. A nice drink, lovely opera, then a late supper... perhaps a beautiful bottle of wine... a delightful dessert souffle... oh, God, I need a woman.

Daphne: How was the opera?
Frasier: Lovely. Get out!
[turns off the TV]
Roz Doyle: Hey, that movie's not over!
Frasier: That's too bad, Roz. There's a stunning woman on her way over here, I don't want her thinking I'm running some kind of maudlin sorority house. Now come on, shake a leg!
Roz Doyle: You actually spoke to her? You didn't wimp out?
Frasier: You have never seen me so suave.
Roz Doyle: Oh, some Valentine's Day! First my date bails on me and now I owe Daphne fifty bucks!


"Frasier: Someone to Watch Over Me (#2.19)" (1995)
Frasier: [about Roz's facial blemish] Have you considered wearing a beekeeper's mask?
Roz Doyle: Do I make fun of that Astrodome you call a forehead?

Frasier: Do you find tea works on your forehead?
Roz Doyle: No, I just found a bag that matches my shoes.


"Frasier: Death and the Dog (#4.12)" (1997)
Roz: When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college.

Roz: Would you date a gynecologist?
Daphne: Oh God no. I wouldn't even date a dentist - hands in people's mouths all day - and after watching Eddie's complete physical, I'm not eager to date a vet anytime soon either.


"Frasier: Look Before You Leap (#3.16)" (1996)
Frasier: Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing to improve your mood.
Roz Doyle: Well, how would you feel if you just lost the love of your life?
Frasier: Alimony aside, I found it rather liberating.

Roz Doyle: Oh my God! How could I say "I really liked you and I thought you were cute." What am I - Marcia Brady?


"Frasier: Travels with Martin (#1.21)" (1994)
Frasier: I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for your week off?
Roz: Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.
Frasier: Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead!

Roz: Listen, there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself on your vacation. After all, you do work three hours a day.
[Frasier stands up, annoyed]
Roz: I'm sorry. That one even surprised me!


"Frasier: Dial M for Martin (#6.3)" (1998)
[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together]
Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
Roz: Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
Niles: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

[Roz suggests that Martin move in with Niles]
Roz: Niles's place is so huge, and he's at work all the time.
Martin Crane: Yeah, that's true. And Maris is out of the picture now...
Roz: You know what? I just thought of something. For a while there your daughters-in-law were Maris and Lilith. Whoa, Happy Thanksgiving!


"Frasier: I Hate Frasier Crane (#1.4)" (1993)
Roz Doyle: Dr. Crane, on line 1, we have Stewart who's having a problem with delayed gratification.
Frasier: Well, he's just going to have to wait!

Roz Doyle: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.
Frasier: Roz, why are you telling me this story?
Roz Doyle: I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned.
Frasier: Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight?
Roz Doyle: Your shoe's untied.
[Frasier looks down]
Roz Doyle: If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard.


"Frasier: Frasier-Lite (#11.12)" (2004)
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey! What'd I tell you about smoking in the booth?
Roz Doyle: Oh, bite me! I need something to kill my appetite - besides your STUPID, UGLY FACE!

[the KACL team is sitting in a steam room]
Roz Doyle: It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty.
[pause]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty.
Roz Doyle: That wasn't me, Bulldog.
Gil Chesterton: That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall consider it strike one.


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 1 (#8.1)" (2000)
Roz Doyle: Daphne, Simon's opening your gifts.
Daphne Moon: Bloody hell!
[runs out]
Simon Moon: Roz, you little snitch! You know, I'm having serious doubts about whether you're going to be the future mother of my children.
Roz Doyle: Somewhere out there, the future mother of your children just lifted her head from a puddle of drool.
Simon Moon: Yeah, but I'll bet she's got a ripper body!

Daphne Moon: So did Simon get you home all right after dropping my family at the airport?
Roz Doyle: Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood trying to parallel park the Winnebago. The highlight was when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.
Martin Crane: How many did he get? My record's five.
Daphne Moon: I suppose he followed that up with some sort of clumsy advance?
Roz Doyle: Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on my babysitter! She showed him why she's the star of her JV soccer team.
Daphne Moon: You know, Mum claims he was dropped as a child. I think he was thrown.


"Frasier: The Innkeepers (#2.23)" (1995)
Gil Chesterton: And so, in the opinion of this critic, Mickey's Good Time Tavern is anything but. Dismal decor, perfunctory service, and cuisine that's only marginally preferable to hunger. And finally, on a sadder note, after fifty-three years in the same location, Orsini's is closing its doors. And so tonight a sad adieu to the grand dame of Seattle restaurants.
Roz Doyle: [aside to Frasier] I thought *he* was the grand dame of Seattle restaurants.

Roz Doyle: Okay, table four wants to make some changes: they want the Sole Veronica without the grapes,
[Daphne begins flicking off the grapes]
Roz Doyle: spinach instead of broccoli and risotto instead of pasta. They also want the swordfish but hold the capers.
Daphne Moon: Oh, for heaven's sakes, can't you just tell them no substitutions?
Roz Doyle: I have trouble saying no.
Niles: So the guidebooks tell us.
Roz Doyle: You want to get thrown in the tank with the rest of the eels?
Daphne Moon: Well, you're not making this very easy. You waltz in here, queen of the waitresses, la-di-da, extra broccoli, hold the capers, and then you go back out on the fun side of the door.
Roz Doyle: You want to trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest!


"Frasier: Voyage of the Damned (#5.6)" (1997)
Roz Doyle: [Roz, Martin and Frasier are trapped in Maris' bathroom. Looking through the keyhole] I don't see Maris. Maybe she left.
[she looks again]
Roz Doyle: No, wait. She's still there. I see her coat on a hatrack.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Look again, very carefully. Did it move?
[Roz gives Frasier a horrified look at the realization she was seeing Maris]


"Frasier: Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz (#6.10)" (1998)
Frasier: [Roz asks about Frasier's son visiting for Christmas] Oh no, Frederick won't be joining me this year. He's spending his vacation on an archaeological tour with Lilith.
Roz Doyle: Spending Christmas with dried up, old bones?
Frasier: I thought I told you: she's taking him on an archaeological tour!


"Frasier: The Wizard and Roz (#8.20)" (2001)
Roz Doyle: What are you doing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I was just saying how great you are.
Roz Doyle: No, you're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' speech. If anyone should be giving that speech it's me, not you.


"Frasier: Death Becomes Him (#1.11)" (1993)
Frasier: Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life?
Roz Doyle: Because I have one.


"Frasier: Perspectives on Christmas (#5.9)" (1997)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Roz are playing Mr. and Mrs. Claus.] Oh, Roz! There you are, I was beginning to worry about you.
Roz Doyle: Well, you should have! I am on the verge of a complete breakdown! Shopping was a disaster! And when I went to slip into this darling little costume, my pants split.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh!
Roz Doyle: And on top of all that, I can't stop thinking about my mom! How am I going to tell her
[that she's pregnant]
Roz Doyle: ?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Roz, if you'd like, I could tell her for you.
Roz Doyle: Are you kidding? She's gonna be mad enough that *I* waited three months to tell her, the only thing worse would be to hear it from someone else!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's entirely possible she already knows.
Roz Doyle: No way, the only person who knows she's spoken to is you--Oh my God! Frasier!!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [welcoming first girl] OK! Ho-ho-ho, who's first?
Roz Doyle: What is wrong with you? I'm going to kill you!
Sally: You're going to kill Santa?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, little girl, Mrs. Claus just wants to *kiss* me.
Roz Doyle: Yeah, I'll kiss you. Come 'ere, I'll kiss you good!


"Frasier: Something About Dr. Mary (#7.16)" (2000)
Roz Doyle: Chuck Ranberg said he'd take over for the week.
Frasier: No, no, absolutely not, Roz! The man's speech impediment will make me giggle all week long.
Roz Doyle: Show a little compassion!
Frasier: Oh come on, you try dealing with a call screener who says, "Doctaw Cwane, we have a kweptomaniac on wine fwee."
Roz Doyle: Well, who do you want to use?
Frasier: Well, actually, I was thinking of reaching out to the community. You know, I was guest speaker last month at a program called "Second Start." They offer career training for people who are stuck in tedious, low-paying jobs. And, well, I'd thought I'd give the job to one of those students.
Roz Doyle: That's a great idea, Frasier. Sounds like a great program.
[Chuck enters]
Frasier: Oh, dear, there's Chuck Ranberg. Roz, you've got to tell him he doesn't have the job.
Roz Doyle: Why can't you tell him?
Frasier: I'm sorry, I can't hear the man speak without just descending into giggles!
Roz Doyle: Oh, you are such a child!
Chuck: Hi, guys!
Roz Doyle: Hey, Chuck, how's it going?
Chuck: Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawwibean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!
[Roz starts laughing uncontrollably as Frasier pats her arm, trying to cover up by pretending she is crying]


"Frasier: Daphne Returns (#8.19)" (2001)
[Roz is thinking of writing a children's book]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good for you, Roz! You know, I dabbled in juvenile fiction myself. Yes, Niles and I, when we were boys, wrote a series of stories together in which we were the heroes. Along the lines of a Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew.
Roz Doyle: The Nancy Boys?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [giving her a hooded look] *No.*


"Frasier: Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice... (#2.14)" (1995)
Dr. Niles Crane: [awkwardly making conversation with Roz] So... that's a nice jacket.
Roz Doyle: Thank you.
Dr. Niles Crane: It's offbeat.
Roz Doyle: And what is that supposed to mean, 'offbeat'?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well...
Roz Doyle: No, wait, I think I know exactly what it means. Offbeat as in cheap. Well, excuse me for not being rich enough to shop at the International House of Tight Ass like you and Maris the heiress! That is what you meant, right?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, but I had no idea you'd pick up on it!
Roz Doyle: Then you were insulting me.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, but you got in a couple of good shots yourself.


"Frasier: Everyone's a Critic (#7.4)" (1999)
Roz Doyle: [about Poppy] Thank God today is her last day. You know, this morning she cornered me by the coffee machine and told me her whole life story. I just wanted to grab her by the throat and say, "What am I, your biographer? Shut up!"


"Frasier: Frasier's Curse (#6.2)" (1998)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Roz, you look beautiful!
Roz Doyle: Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But we're not going.
Roz Doyle: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.
Roz Doyle: Frasier, I hired a babysitter... twice, I did my makeup... twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress... twice, only to be stood up... twice!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, technically you only did your hair once.
Roz Doyle: SHUT UP!
[hits him with her handbag]
Roz Doyle: You know, some day you're gonna need another favor from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have a pretty good idea.
Roz Doyle: Well, DO IT TWICE!


"Frasier: Moon Dance (#3.13)" (1996)
Roz Doyle: [as Frasier leaves for his vacation] And don't forget to bring me a present.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll get you a nice t-shirt from colonial Williamsburg.
Roz Doyle: You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg? Eew!
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, it's a wonderful vacation spot. We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter...
Roz Doyle: Hey, Frederick Crane! You just finished the first grade! What are you going to do now? "I'm going to Butterworld!"


"Frasier: The Show Where Lilith Comes Back (#1.16)" (1994)
Frasier: Roz, what exactly does call screening mean?
Roz Doyle: It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.


"Frasier: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street (#1.12)" (1993)
Frasier: Roz, would you mind telling me why everyone breaks into hysterics whenever I say that I'm driving Bonnie Weems home?
Roz Doyle: Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Frasier: Oh, what is that?
Roz Doyle: Well, Bonnie Weems is kind of an office legend. She gets a couple of drinks under her belt and she gets a little amorous and she will not take no for an answer.


"Frasier: Are You Being Served? (#4.21)" (1997)
[Frasier complains he does not like to hug]
Roz: I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well in that case, you should outlive Styrofoam.


"Frasier: Leapin' Lizards (#3.4)" (1995)
Roz Doyle: Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face? No one even suspects you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why not?
Roz Doyle: Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me. I'm going to accept my limitations, and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane. Even my most barbed comments never drew blood! Oh God, I feel sick.
Roz Doyle: You do? When the lizard threw up her fingertip, who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here?


"Frasier: Legal Tender Love and Care (#8.6)" (2000)
Roz: I read an article that said listening to classical music makes toddlers smarter. Something about making their brain bigger, or wider... I don't know.
Frasier: I believe the word you're looking for is "smartified."
Roz: Oh, yeah? Well guess which word I'm looking for now.


"Frasier: RDWRER (#7.12)" (2000)
Roz Doyle: And as for my hangover, it was worth it. I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey!
Frasier: I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.


"Frasier: My Fair Frasier (#5.7)" (1997)
Frasier: You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?
Roz: Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.
Frasier: Your "glow" - oh please, Roz, do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?
Roz: So, I tell him, and he says fine, it's not a problem. Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency. He has to go to work.
Frasier: Well, maybe he was telling the truth.
Roz: He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables recaned at 9:30 at night?


"Frasier: Bad Dog (#5.18)" (1998)
Daphne: Roz, is everything all right?
Roz: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.
Frasier: No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
Roz: No, I look like Divine.


"Frasier: Liar! Liar! (#4.10)" (1997)
Frasier: You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien.
Martin: Seems as good an explanation as any!
Frasier: He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head.
Roz: How did Lilith find out?
Frasier: Well, apparently she was driving him and two of his friends to a Junior Mensa meeting, when she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars. So, never have the words "*I* can see you!" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants!


"Frasier: Good Samaritan (#6.11)" (1999)
[Frederick is coming for a visit]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Actually, it was Lilith's turn this year to have him for his birthday, but apparently there was an accident at the lab. One of her monkeys bit her on the tongue.
Roz Doyle: [afraid to ask] What exactly was she doing with the monkey?
Dr. Frasier Crane: She was teaching them sign language. I guess one of them made a disparaging remark about her new haircut, and she stuck her tongue out.
Roz Doyle: Wow. How bad does a haircut have to be for a monkey to hate it?


"Frasier: My Coffee with Niles (#1.24)" (1994)
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry Roz, why don't you join us?
Roz Doyle: No, no thank you. There's a cute new handyman in my building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into a negligée and rip out my faucet.
[she leaves]
Frasier: You think she's kidding, don't you?


"Frasier: When a Man Loves Two Women (#6.21)" (1999)
Frasier: How do you tell somebody that you're attracted to them but you just can't sleep with them?
Roz Doyle: I guess you just say... you just say... I'll ask around.


"Frasier: The Two Hundredth (#9.8)" (2001)
[during Frasier's 2,000th show]
Frasier: Roz, what do we have next?
Roz: It's time for another blooper.
Frasier: Oh, well, I believe we're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer didn't realize her microphone was on, during the show...
Roz: [on tape] Now what the-
[beep]
Roz: Is this? You call this a-
[beep]
Roz: Paycheck? How the-
[beep]
Roz: Am I supposed to live on this-?!
[beep]
Roz: I'm gonna have a little word with that-
[beep]
Roz: -damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-
[beep]
Roz: -ing place!
Kenny: [who's entered] Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.


"Frasier: Oops (#1.10)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh my God! This is unbelievable! A man has quit his job because of a rumor that you spread!
Roz Doyle: Me? The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of them; I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!


"Frasier: Space Quest (#1.2)" (1993)
[Frasier is unintentionally overhearing Roz talk on the phone]
Roz: Gary? I broke up with him three weeks ago... The sex was OK, but he was kind of limited... No, no, no, it wasn't that Gary was bad in bed. I mean, he knew where all the parts were. Unfortunately, most of them were his... Yes. Totally passionless. It was like he was thinking of someone else... I know I was... Somebody's here, I gotta go... All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye, Mom.


"Frasier: The Show Where Woody Shows Up (#6.13)" (1999)
Roz Doyle: [on Noel] He's been acting so weird lately.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Lately? May I remind you this is the man required by law to stay at least 100 yards away from William Shatner?


"Frasier: The Matchmaker (#2.3)" (1994)
Frasier: [on Daphne] She's just having trouble finding men.
Roz: [whips out her little black book] Say no more!
Frasier: No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
Roz: Oh, come on, I'd be happy to.
Frasier: But still, one hates to break up a collection.
[Niles brings coffees]
Roz: Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor.
Frasier: I don't think so.
Roz: Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.
Frasier: A German narcissist. Now there's an appealing combination.
Roz: Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.
Niles: Looking for what?
Roz: I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
Niles: What?
Roz: Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.
Niles: Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
Roz: Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.
Niles: Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?
Roz: [furious] Listen, you little titmouse...!
Frasier: All right! Niles, you are completely out of line here. And Roz, he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. While Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...
Roz: Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?
Frasier: No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.
Roz: [getting up] Oh, I'm out of here.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, please wait.
Roz: [storming out] Oh no, I can't stay, the FLEET IS IN!


"Frasier: Whine Club (#7.17)" (2000)
Roz: When you invited me, did you say "brunch for Mel" or "brunch from hell"?


"Frasier: Back Talk (#7.10)" (1999)
Frasier: What esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit? "Cosmo"?
Roz: No. "Glamour."
Frasier: Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find my G-spot."


"Frasier: And Frasier Makes Three (#11.20)" (2004)
Roz Doyle: Oh, hi. I was just shopping around the corner, thought I'd stop by.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, gosh, well unfortunately I have a date.
Roz Doyle: That's okay, I have one myself. With Steve.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, yes, your convict friend. Do you think that's wise?
Roz Doyle: The man made one mistake. Besides, I don't know any guy who's not a little fascinated by fire.


"Frasier: Police Story (#3.20)" (1996)
Roz: Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I would have thrown you a party at the station.
Frasier: Question asked, question answered.


"Frasier: We Two Kings (#10.10)" (2002)
Roz Doyle: Come on, Frasier. Talk to me. Use your words
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just so egregious.
Roz Doyle: Smaller words.


"Frasier: Frasier's Imaginary Friend (#5.1)" (1997)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, just because last time you went to Mexico you were hit on more than a Pinata, doesn't mean that was the purpose of my visit as well.
Roz Doyle: Oh yeah right, you wanted to hear the Acapulco Philharmonic.


"Frasier: Trophy Girlfriend (#10.15)" (2003)
Roz Doyle: You know, maybe Frasier was right. Would it kill us to make some effort to be civil?
Julia Wilcox: I... guess not.
Roz Doyle: So... Your show was good today.
Julia Wilcox: Yes, it was. And... and... your producing was... top notch.
Roz Doyle: Thanks.
[Offers her the sugar container]
Roz Doyle: Sugar?
Julia Wilcox: [Takes one] Please.
Roz Doyle: Well, this isn't so bad.
Julia Wilcox: No, it's not. Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.
Roz Doyle: Well, when you first started, you know, I just thought you were kind of a bitch. Ordering everyone around.
Julia Wilcox: That's totally my fault. I have a tendency to be patronizing to, um... entry level employees.
Roz Doyle: Well. You know, I was gonna say something earlier, but when I heard your first show, I figured you wouldn't be here long.
Julia Wilcox: Well, you certainly made an impression on my. I remember I kept thinking, who did she sleep with to get this job? And then I found out. Everybody!
Roz Doyle: That's a good one. You know, there's a plunger in the bathroom. Whaddya say we go look for your career?
Julia Wilcox: Great. While we're in there, I can get your phone number.
Roz Doyle: Don't bother. It's 1-800 bite me.
Julia Wilcox: Bite me? That's the best that you've got?
Roz Doyle: Oh, I could spend a half an hour on your hair.
Julia Wilcox: Well, you should have spent a half an hour on *your* hair.
Waitress: Closing time, ladies. I'm afraid you'll have to leave.
Roz Doyle: But, we're just warming up.
Julia Wilcox: You know, there's a place down the street that's open all night.
Roz Doyle: Just like your mouth?
Julia Wilcox: Just like your legs?
[Walks out]
Roz Doyle: Hey!
[Follows her out]
Roz Doyle: Wait up!


"Frasier: Flour Child (#2.4)" (1994)
Roz Doyle: You'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot better. I just dropped his card off.
Frasier: Clarence?
Roz Doyle: Yeah, Clarence the guard.
Frasier: Oh, down at the station, Clarence, oh yes, good. I didn't know he was sick.
Roz Doyle: You signed his get-well card.
Frasier: You mean that wasn't a birthday card?
Roz Doyle: No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
Frasier: Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday! I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death"!


"Frasier: Detour (#11.21)" (2004)
Frasier: Now, you were saying something about my dad's bachelor party?
Roz: Yeah. Weren't you having a problem deciding on the entertainment?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
Roz: Well, there's this girl in my spin class, and she does it all - strips, lap dances, movies.
Frasier: Really? Would I be familiar with her work?
Roz: I don't know, have you seen "Grinding Nemo"?


"Frasier: Caught in the Act (#11.15)" (2004)
Roz: So what was it like being married to Nanny Gee?
Frasier: Oh, gosh... we were so young and immature. We had huge fights over nothing. But in the bedroom...
Roz: Frasier!
Roz: Sorry.
Roz: So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice "hugs"?
Frasier: Oh, big hugs.
Roz: No kidding.
Frasier: We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake.


"Frasier: Desperately Seeking Closure (#5.8)" (1997)
Frasier: [has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.
Frasier: Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.
Niles: Oh, snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Wrong list, Daph.


"Frasier: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (#3.21)" (1996)
[Niles is clipping coupons]
Roz: [surprised] You're clipping coupons?
Niles: [proudly] I'm economizing.
Roz: Oh well it's about time, you spend money like a drunken sailor.
Niles: She said, authoritatively.


"Frasier: The Late Dr. Crane (#7.8)" (1999)
Frasier: [reading obituary in newspaper] It's just a little upsetting.
Roz Doyle: Well, I don't think they meant to be insulting. You are lovably pompous.


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 1 (#2.8)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I haven't said this out loud, but here goes: she may very well be the woman I spend the rest of my life with.
Roz Doyle: Go. Go do that. Get married, have a couple of kids, move out to the country, buy a puppy, live happily ever after! Just don't tell me about it, I need a boyfriend!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dear Roz. Dear, silly Roz. Dear, silly, horny Roz.


"Frasier: The Fight Before Christmas (#7.11)" (1999)
Roz: I can't stay, I just stopped by to drop off your punch bowl.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Roz. Say, what kind of punch did you serve?
Roz: Well, first I filled it with ice. Then I just poured orange juice and vodka over it.
Frasier: Well, Roz, that's just a giant Screwdriver.
Roz: Yeah, so? What am I, Martha Stewart?


"Frasier: Call Me Irresponsible (#1.7)" (1993)
[Frasier is appalled at his caller, Marco, saying he doesn't want to commit to his girlfriend "in case somebody better comes along."]
Frasier: Tell me listeners, what is it with guys like that? Hey Roz, you've been around the block a few times. You ever run into a guy like Marco?
Roz Doyle: Oh, they're all Marcos. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco.
Frasier: Come on. I mean, if that were so, then no-one would be having a relationship.
Roz Doyle: Well, I'm not. My sister's not. None of my friends are. I've seen the future, and its name is Marco.


"Frasier: Decoys (#6.16)" (1999)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, one last warning. Take it from someone who knows you both: you and Roz are NOT a good couple.
Dr. Niles Crane: I understand you're saying that, but believe me, I have seen a new Roz today and underneath that brazen exterior she is a sweet, sensitive, shy and vulnerable woman.
Roz Doyle: [calling from kitchen] Niles, have you seen my nipples?


"Frasier: Frasier Crane's Day Off (#1.23)" (1994)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [a delirious and drug-overdosed Frasier has returned to the station] Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again. So, let's take our first caller. Hello, I'm listening.
Robert: Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And your name is...?
Robert: My name is Robert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye!
[disconnects him]
Roz Doyle: [on the office phone] Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [takes another call] Who is this?
Janice: I'm Janice.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Janice, what's your problem?
Janice: Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boring!
[disconnects her]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air!
Marjorie: Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens!
Marjorie: Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am and I don't think that's fair."
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!"
Marjorie: Hey, that was great!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [excited] Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on...
[Niles and security arrive and hustle him out]


"Frasier: Don't Go Breaking My Heart (#10.9)" (2002)
[Every time Niles calls in to add his opinion to Frasier's show, Frasier genially welcomes him on - while beating the stuffing out of an inflatable clown]
Roz Doyle: I'm starting to regret betting on the clown.


"Frasier: You Can Go Home Again (#3.24)" (1996)
Roz: Look, Dr. Crane, I got to be honest with you here. It's just that I think psychiatry is, just, sort of, kind of... bull.
Frasier: Oh well, this is a match made in heaven then, isn't it?
Roz: Oh, don't be offended...
Frasier: "Don't be offended"? Why should I be offended? In the last week I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career. In the first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show. Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!


"Frasier: Taking Liberties (#8.5)" (2000)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, what are you doing out here? I'm sure Mr. Worth isn't interested in gift wrapping.
Henry Worth: Nonsense, She's delightful. Now what kind of deal would you give me if I bought a hundred rolls?
Roz Doyle: I'd take off 20%.
Henry Worth: And what would you take off if I bought 5000 rolls?
Roz Doyle: Everything but my bracelets.


"Frasier: Sea Bee Jeebies (#11.10)" (2003)
Roz Doyle: [ordering drinks for herself and her sister] Two Bloody Marys please. And there's an extra twenty in it for you if one of them is poisoned. I don't even care which one.


"Frasier: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2000)
Daphne: Simon!
Simon Moon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon Moon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about, I was the one in the tub! Where should I put this bag?
Dr. Frasier Crane: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon Moon: Right. I think I know everyone here.
[spots Roz]
Simon Moon: Or do I? And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz Doyle: Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last week and you stood me up!
Simon Moon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz Doyle: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
[slams the door in his face]
Simon Moon: Roz! Of course!


"Frasier: Martin Does It His Way (#3.3)" (1995)
Frasier: Hello, Eileen, I'm listening.
Eileen: Dr. Crane, I've been very happily married for twenty years and I wouldn't dream of cheating, but lately when we're making love I find myself fantasizing about people... other than my husband.
Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal. It's quite normal to spice up one's love life by imagining a tryst with, oh, a sports figure or a movie star or...
Eileen: Or a radio psychiatrist?
Frasier: Excuse me?
Eileen: It's your voice, Dr. Crane. You must have the most sensuous voice on earth.
Frasier: [sensuously] Oh, I don't know, Eileen.
Eileen: I've never seen your picture. Would you mind describing yourself?
Frasier: Oh, well I don't really think that's appropriate...
Roz: I'll do it.
Frasier: Roz, I don't think...
Roz: He's about six-one, with a granite jaw and the broad shoulders of a marine. He's been wearing his hair short lately but that only accentuates his cobalt blue eyes, his chiseled cheekbones and his full, provocative lips.
Eileen: Wow! Thanks, Roz, and thank you, Dr. Crane. I'll be thinking of you tonight. With any luck, twice!
Frasier: Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane feeling a little red in his chiseled cheeks. Till tomorrow then, this is KACL 780 AM.


"Frasier: Murder Most Maris (#11.8)" (2003)
Frasier: Wow, Roz, that was persuasive.
Roz: Yeah, well, there's nothing worse than waking up naked with a bunch of cops standing around. I've been there...


"Frasier: The Candidate (#2.7)" (1994)
Roz: Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh wait, that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
[Frasier goes to Niles's table]
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
Niles: I agree... Well?
Frasier: "Well," what?
Niles: It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
Frasier: No, you didn't!
Niles: I did so! I distinctly remember. It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
Frasier: So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn!


"Frasier: Morning Becomes Entertainment (#7.19)" (2000)
Roz Doyle: They're taking us off the air.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, since when?
Roz Doyle: Well while you were out looking for Gatorade to pour over yourself, Kenny stopped by and said we're off the air for a week.


"Frasier: The Ring Cycle (#10.1)" (2002)
[Roz, Alice, and Mrs. Moon arrive at the courthouse]
Mrs. Gertrude Moon: Well, in my day, people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
Alice May Doyle: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
[Roz struggles to keep a straight face]
Mrs. Gertrude Moon: [in a huff] You should talk to your daughter.
[Mrs. Moon exits. Roz kneels down to face Alice]
Roz Doyle: When we get home... you're getting ice cream.


"Frasier: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast (#1.13)" (1994)
Frasier: Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?
Roz Doyle: We have Ethan on line three, and he's having a little problem at school.
Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I'm thirteen.
Frasier: Well, uh, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well, Ethan, you know, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan: That's it?
Frasier: Yes.
Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic, and in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.