Diane Chambers
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Quotes for
Diane Chambers (Character)
from "Cheers" (1982)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Cheers: Simon Says (#5.21)" (1987)
Diane: [referring to her relationship with Sam] Well, what about the idea that opposites attract?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: AH, the song of the TRULY desperate.

[Sam & Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time]
Diane: Dr., there's still one thing you haven't considered...
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Ok; Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world.
[opens window]
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Hear this, world. The rest of you can stop getting married. It's been done to perfection. Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record
[talks into his tape recorder]
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME.
Diane: [turns to Sam] See?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well now, I need to begin to get to know you two, so Diane, why don't you start?
Diane: Well, they say you don't have prenatal memories, but I have a distinct 'in utero' recollection of a Fourth of July concert my Mother attended. There was at least one sousaphone...
[the scene fades to a scene some time later. Sam is napping on the office couch, Simon is sitting in the chair listening, and Diane is still talking]
Diane: [coming to the end of her recollections] -then he proposed to me in of all places, a court of law. This time I, acquiesced, and agreed to become Mrs Malone... which brings us here today.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: [nods for a brief moment] You know, my wife has a skirt very similar to the one you're wearing. Sam, a little of your history, please.
Sam Malone: Oh! Right, alright, okay. Um... Let's see, it was uh, August 5th, 1973, I got my first Major League save. It was in Baltimore...
Diane: [interrupting him] Sam, you don't have to go into all of that.
Sam Malone: If you can go back to the womb, I can go back to the damn Oriole double-header.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well, moving on. Now, what are the keys to a successful marriage? Well there are numerous schools of thought. Many experts claim that the most important single ingredient in a marriage is...
[both Sam and Diane are silent]
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Quickly now.
Diane: Love.
Sam Malone: Sex.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Honesty. Because from honesty springs...
Diane: Fidelity.
Sam Malone: Sex.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: ...Yes: trust.
Diane: I was going to say that.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well those people are wrong.

Diane: The man's a quack! Imagine, he had the nerve to say that Sam and I shouldn't get married.
[adopting a British accent]
Diane: That we have absolutely nothing in common.
Norm Peterson: Excuse me, Diane. What exactly do you two have in common?
Diane: Well, we...
[can't finish her sentence, and just stares at Sam]
Carla Tortelli: Wait a minute. Somebody's suggesting that Sam and Diane aren't right for each other. Now where have I heard that before? Of course: my prayers!

Sam Malone: What are we gonna do?
Diane: We're going to get married, of course! We're not going to listen to that, sack of fish n' chips!

Diane: You know, you are a very clever man. It wasn't until after you left, that we realized you were merely testing our resolves. So, we stand before you, as proof that we are steadfast in our devotion to one another.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well that's very lovely, but it wasn't a test.
Diane: [thinking he's joking] Oh, listen to him Sam: it's yet another test!
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: I'm afraid I haven't made myself sufficiently clear: You two, are, an accident, waiting, to marry.

Diane: If you only knew the enormous obstacles we've overcome, you would know that we are, destined to die in each other's arms. Because although we are, very different people, our parts mesh together perfectly. We have achieved, symbiosis.
Sam Malone: Well, not every time, but it's close.

Sam Malone: All I'm saying is that maybe he's right. Maybe we should give it some thought. Maybe we should wait. Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor.
Diane: Maybe you'll do me the honor of sticking a sock in it!

Diane: If you ask me, his methods are highly suspect! How can he say we are mismatched on the basis of two silly questions? I didn't even answer mine accurately! I said what I thought he wanted to hear! Sam, did you answer the way you wanted to answer, or the way you thought he wanted you to answer, or the way you thought I wanted you to answer?
Sam Malone: I don't know, I got confused after the babe in the bikini walked by.

Sam Malone: You know, it was your stupid idea to come here in the first place. All of a sudden he says something you don't like, and now you don't believe him anymore?
Diane: [sounding desperate] Well he's wrong! He doesn't know what he's talking about! Don't you think he's capable of making a mistake?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: That's highly unlikely, although, I did let the two of you in.

Diane: [entering with a small stack of books] Sam and I have been to the library, and we've done extensive research. We're here to tell you that you are full of rubbish!
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: How thoughtful. Most people would only have phoned.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: I think I've shown remarkable restraint so far, but I have had just about enough. Now I've said that you're not compatible, and you've done nothing to show me otherwise.
Diane: [sounding on the verge of tears] Look I don't know, what we're supposed to do or what we're supposed to say, but we're HERE, fighting for our lives together, now doesn't that count for something?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: [matter-of-factly] No.
Diane: [whining] Why not?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Well, let me answer you this way. Sam, do you really want to be here?
Sam Malone: No.
[Simon gestures as if to say, "There, case closed"]
Diane: [still whining] Oh, What do you mean "no?"
Sam Malone: I mean "no." I don't want to be here-I mean, this whole thing was your stupid idea. What do we care if this guy doesn't think we should get married? Nobody we know thinks we should get married. We don't go bugging them in the middle of the night, do we?

Diane: Alright... what do you suggest we do?
Sam Malone: Nothing.
Diane: UGH! That's your solution to everything: nothing! Is that what you're going to do for the rest of your life? Nothing?
Sam Malone: [growing exasperated with her tone] I haven't decided yet.

Sam Malone: Hey, what's with this English Accent? Ever since he walked in here, you've been talking like the Queen was your Aunt Betty or something.
Diane: Oh, tosh! What twaddle.


"Cheers: Give Me a Ring Sometime (#1.1)" (1982)
Diane: [about baseball] Well, if you were so good, why aren't you still playing?
Sam: I developed an elbow problem.
[Sam simulates hoisting a bottle to his mouth]
Sam: I, uh, bent it too much.

[phone rings. Diane answers it]
Diane: Hello?... Sam?
[Sam comes out of the office]
Diane: Are you Sam?
Sam: [with his mouth full of coffee] Yes.
Diane: [into phone] Yes, he's here.
[hands Sam the phone]
Diane: It's someone named Vicki.
Sam: [quickly backs away] No, no, no, no, no!

[Diane is sitting at the bar and needs to go to the ladies room]
Diane: Excuse me. Where is your bathroom?
Coach: Uh, next to my bedroom.

Diane: [on the telephone for Sam] Yes, yes, I'll take a message... You're welcome.
[Diane hangs up the telephone]
Sam: Well?
Diane: "You're a magnificent pagan beast."
Sam: Thanks, what's the message?

Diane: [to Carla] You're a bitter little person, aren't you?

Diane: [about Sumner] What he actually said was, "Come with me and be my love, and we will some new pleasures prove." That's Donne.
Sam: I certainly hope so.

Diane: Sumner, am I stupid to let you go see a woman you were once in love with?
Prof. Sumner Sloan: Oh, my darling, I'm leaving you alone in a bar. Which one of us is the stupider, Sam?
Sam: Too close to call.

Sam: [about Diane] No Coach, she's going to be sitting here for a while...
Diane: [taps on her glass to get Sam's attention] Uh, excuse me. I hate to keep asking for special attention, but could you not discuss my private life with everyone that comes in?
Sam: What would you like me to tell them?
Diane: I don't care.
Sam: [to Coach] She's a hooker.

Prof. Sumner Sloan: I can't fly to Barbados when I'm this confused.
Diane: Sumner, it's OK. The pilot knows the way.

Diane: What makes you think that I would ever work in a place like this?
Sam: It's simple, really. You can't go back to the professor for work. I need a waitress - you need a job. You like the people here. You think that they like you. And the phrase "magnificent pagan beast" has never left your mind.
Diane: Now look, buster. I do need a job, and I'll find one. And you bet that it won't be waiting tables.
Sam: What are you qualified to do?
Diane: [emphatically] Nothing!

[a man and a woman enter Cheers]
Diane: Hello. Welcome to Cheers. My name is Diane. I will be serving you. Why don't you sit down right over here. You know, I should tell you, parenthetically, that you are the first people that I have ever served. In fact, if anyone had told me a week ago that I would be doing this, I would have thought them insane. When Sam over there offered me the job, I laughed in his face. But then it occurred to me, here I am, I'm a student - not just in an academic sense, but a student of life. And where better than here to study life in all its many facets. People meet in bars, they part, they rejoice, they suffer, they come here to be with their own kind. What can I get you?
Swedish Customer: [reading a phrase book, and speaking in broken English] Where is police? We have lost our luggage.

Coach: I'm working on a novel. Going on six years now. I think I might finish it tonight.
Diane: You're writing a novel?
Coach: No, reading it.


"Cheers: Someday My Prince Will Come (#4.3)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: Didn't you ever fantasize about me?
Sam Malone: Yeah, I guess I did.
Diane Chambers: And I you. What did you fantasize about?
Sam Malone: Mostly you'd stop using phrases like, "and I you".

Sam Malone: You can't tell what a guy's like by what he's got in his pocket.
Diane Chambers: I certainly can. What you have in your pockets?
Sam Malone: Why don't you check it out yourself and you tell me.
Diane Chambers: I think my point is made.

Stuart Sorensen: Listen, Diane, about that date. I realize we made it over the phone and well, here's your chance to back out.
Diane Chambers: This lady's not going to let you off that easily.
Sam Malone: But it was a nice try there, Stuart.

Sam Malone: Oh, come on Diane. On a scale of one to ten, with me being a twelve of course, where are you going to rate Stuart?
Diane Chambers: Let's change that to IQ. While your score would remain twelve, his would skyrocket.
Sam Malone: It's too bad you're not going to be gazing across the table at his IQ.
Diane Chambers: Why don't you just admit you're jealous.
Sam Malone: All right, I am. You're right, but can you blame me?
Diane Chambers: Sam, are you saying what I think you're saying?
Sam Malone: You bet I am. I'd kill for a car phone.

Woody Boyd: Hey, um, Miss Chambers?
Diane Chambers: Uh-huh?
Woody Boyd: I've been meaning to tell you, I really like your friend Stuart.
Diane Chambers: Oh, thank you Woody.
Woody Boyd: Hey, do you think you could get him to do that great trick for me?
Diane Chambers: What trick?
Woody Boyd: The one Sam says he does when he makes the clock stop by just looking at it.

Diane Chambers: Might I speak with you briefly?
Sam Malone: You might, but I don't think you will.

Diane Chambers: After all these years, I have to admit it, I'm all talk.
Sam Malone: Oh, well of course you are honey, but we've all gotten used to that.

Diane Chambers: As often happens in my life, this gentleman is becoming much too serious much too fast. He's wearing that smitten look I know so well. I've got to do something before it goes any further.
Sam Malone: Uh-huh. I see.
Diane Chambers: For the first time in my life, I can't bring myself to tell the truth to a man, so I need a lie. And God forgive me, I'm coming to you for help.
Sam Malone: Well, I'm flattered. Um, all right, let me, let me give this a little thought here. All right, all right, I've never passed this one on before, but I think it's the ticket here. It's neat, it's fast, clean, and best of all, it makes them want them want to get away from you. Here's what you do. Tell him you have a contagious skin condition, and that insanity runs in your family.
Diane Chambers: [mockingly] Very sensitive.
Sam Malone: Thank you. It's a gift.
Diane Chambers: Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I am going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straightforwardly and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings: that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it a way that, that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say?
Sam Malone: Everything except the part where you changed your name to Blanche.
Diane Chambers: Good-bye Sam.
Sam Malone: Good-bye Blanche.

Sam Malone: Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.
Diane Chambers: What are you talking about? That is utterly... inaccurate.
Sam Malone: Oh, yeah. You want me to prove it to you?
Diane Chambers: Yes!
Sam Malone: Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life, not including yourself there? Don't answer. It was me. And there was only one reason why you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.
Diane Chambers: Not entirely.
Sam Malone: Yes entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me? Come on, name one. You can't, can you?
Diane Chambers: [mockingly] No Sam, I can't.
[Sam and the guys at the bar laugh at Diane in triumph]


"Cheers: Diane's Perfect Date (#1.17)" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: [enthusiastically about Diane's date] Quite a catch.
Diane Chambers: Thank you.
Carla Tortelli: So's a large mouth bass.

Diane Chambers: Walter happens to be a distinguished geneticist.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, he studies Jeanettes.

[Sam and Diane are arguing about their choices of dates]
Sam Malone: At least my dates don't count the number of letters in sentences.
Diane Chambers: Your dates can't form sentences.

[Diane and Andy are preparing to go on a blind date]
Diane Chambers: [to Sam] Andy Andy and I will have fun fun.
Diane Chambers: So, uh, what do you think, Andy, how does Italian food sound, huh? Oh boy, I've been hungry for Italian food all day.
Andy Schroeder: Anywhere but Villa Milano. That's bad memories for me. I killed a waitress there.
[Diane shudders in horror]

Sam Malone: [about Andy, the blind date Sam found for Diane] The truth is, I never saw the guy before in my life. I met him in the back room and I paid him to go out with you.
Diane Chambers: You hired a murderer to take me out for the evening.
Sam Malone: Well, it's kind of funny when you put it that way.

Diane Chambers: Sam, if you'll admit that you are carrying a little torch for me, I'll admit that I'm carrying a little one for you.
Sam Malone: [tentatively] Well, I am carrying a little torch for you.
Diane Chambers: Well, I'm not carrying one for you.

[Diane and Walter have just returned to the bar after a weekend-long date]
Walter Franklin: [to Diane] Why don't you introduce me to your co-workers. I'm sure they'd get a bang out of this.
Diane Chambers: [obviously embarrassed] Oh, I don't really think that...
[Sam approaches Diane and Walter]
Diane Chambers: Oh, hello, Sam. Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.
Sam Malone: [as the two men shake hands] How do you do.
Walter Franklin: Ten.
Diane Chambers: [in answer to Sam's confused look about what Walter just said] Uh, he's able to tell you instantly how many letters there are in any sentence you say.
Walter Franklin: Sixty-six.
Sam Malone: That's quite a gift.
Walter Franklin: Fifteen. Been at it all weekend.
Sam Malone: How many days did it seem like?
Walter Franklin: Twenty-four.
Diane Chambers: Listen, Walter, I have to go to work now. Thanks again for a lovely weekend.
Walter Franklin: Two sentences, thirty and twenty-eight.
Diane Chambers: Stop doing that Walter.
Walter Franklin: Nineteen.
Diane Chambers: [immediately and angrily] I mean it!
Walter Franklin: Seven. Really, that's enough of this now. I better get going. Goodbye, Diane. Nice seeing you, Sam.
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Walter Franklin: Four.
Sam Malone: By the way, Walter...
Walter Franklin: Fourteen. Ah, yes, Sam, what is it?
Sam Malone: How was Diane on a scale of a hundred?
Walter Franklin: Twenty-nine.


"Cheers: Teacher's Pet (#3.16)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: [after Sam walks into his office and the door closes behind him] He's locked his door.
Carla Tortelli: [in mock horror] Ooohh, and we're locked out here with you.

Diane Chambers: ...if this is part of some involved scheme to get me back in bed with you, you will be very disappointed.
Sam Malone: Yeah, but you'll enjoy yourself.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [about Sam] No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.
Diane Chambers: Miss Purdy?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah, our beautiful school teacher.
Diane Chambers: And Sam is her favorite?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I can't say that, but Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
Diane Chambers: They kissed?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah, I saw them smooching in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
Diane Chambers: With probing tongues?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No Diane, with a thumb tack and my thumb.

Diane Chambers: [Diane storms into Sam's office, angry] Sam Malone, this is absolutely...
Sam Malone: ...the worst thing I've ever done.
Diane Chambers: ...the worst thing you've... - wait a minute. You don't even know what I'm going to say. I just found out that you have been...
Sam Malone: ...sleeping with my teacher.
Diane Chambers: That's right. And that's not the worst part of it. She also has been giving you...
Sam Malone: ...good marks because of it.
Diane Chambers: Yes. Are you admitting that you're doing this and that you know it's wrong?
Sam Malone: Yeah, that's right.
Diane Chambers: Oh, yeah? Well... stop slouching. Look what's happened to your posture.
Sam Malone: What?
Diane Chambers: I needed something.

Diane Chambers: [about her former relationship with Sumner Sloan] For your information, I was a legitimate A student in the classroom. I never got good grades in the sack.
Sam Malone: Oh, don't worry, I always gave you an E for effort, didn't I?

Diane Chambers: [about Cheers] If ignorance is bliss, this place is Eden.


"Cheers: Peterson Crusoe (#3.11)" (1984)
Norm Peterson: [about a spot found on his chest x-ray] Ever since I heard this news, all I can think of is how I may be coming to the end of my life with nothing to show for it.
Diane Chambers: Well, you've got all of us, your friends. And we're going to be with you, all the way through this.
Sam Malone: You bet.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean we're going to have to have the surgery and everything, Diane? I'm not saying I won't do it.
Diane Chambers: I'll explain it later, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Everybody says, "I'll explain it later".

Norm Peterson: A flaw on the x-ray.
[everyone breathes a sigh of relief for Norm]
Cliff Clavin: Oh, let me buy you a drink, Normie.
Norm Peterson: No, no, no, no, not right now, Cliff. Right now I think I'm going to take a little walk with a gentleman I haven't been paying a whole lot of attention to lately: Norm Peterson.
Diane Chambers: I think I understand.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I don't, but I'm sure you'll tell me later.

Diane Chambers: Sometimes there is no pleasure in conquest.
Sam Malone: Yeah, I haven't forgotten our first night together either.

Diane Chambers: [about Norm wanting to go to Bora Bora in a cargo ship] Norman, wait a minute. What about a passport? What about shots?
Norm Peterson: I already have my passport. And believe it or not, you don't need any shots for Bora Bora. There isn't any disease there.
Carla Tortelli: Lunacy is on its way.

Diane Chambers: [about Carla's depression from losing a bet to Diane] She should be over this by now. It's been weeks. I've robbed her of her zest for life.
Sam Malone: You do have that affect on people.

[Coach has agreed to judge a contest between Diane and Carla]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Diane and Carla] Now, if either one of you suspects any wrong-doing, you come to me and I'll make an immediate and final decision.
Diane Chambers: Do we have any appeal?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I think you're both cute as a button, but that's not going to affect my decision.


"Cheers: Fear Is My Co-Pilot (#4.21)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: He was a man I dated a bit in Europe.
Woody Boyd: Oh, was that before or after you dumped Dr. Crane and sent him into an alcoholic tailspin?

Diane Chambers: [about her post-Frasier Europe life] I guess for a brief while I was danger's mistress.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Is there anyone whose mistress you weren't?

Jack Dalton: [to Diane] My God, you look pale. You folks should have seen her frolicking in the surf in Mykonos. Her little bottom was as brown as a berry.
Carla Tortelli: The Stick running around buck naked?!
Diane Chambers: It was a semi-private beach.
Sam Malone: It used to be a semi-private bottom.

[Sam and Diane are up in a plane without a pilot]
Diane Chambers: We're going to crash. We're going to die. They'll check out our dental records to identify our remains, and I haven't been to Dr. Overding for as much as a polish in over six months.

Diane Chambers: Jack, what the hell are you doing alive?


"Cheers: Sam Turns the Other Cheek (#3.5)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: [to Sam, about dating married women] Well, it's refreshing to know you draw the line somewhere.
Sam Malone: Hey, hey, I draw lot's of lines. As a matter of fact, there are three categories of women I never get involved with: married, underage and comatose.
Norm Peterson: He's added one.

Norm Peterson: [about dumping girlfriend Maxine] Now you want to tell me what was wrong with that one, Sammy? She looked perfect to me. Body was a 10.
Cliff Clavin: So was her face.
Diane Chambers: So was her IQ.

Diane Chambers: [to Sam] Now, my love life is stable and yours belongs in one.
Diane Chambers: [chortles loudly to herself] I'll have to share that one with Frasier. Puns are his greatest pleasure.
Sam Malone: You mean now that he's sleeping with you?!

Carla Tortelli: I am never going to be afraid to go to the dentist again. I found a way to communicate with him.
Norm Peterson: How was that?
Carla Tortelli: Well, as he leaned in with his drill, I grabbed him where I knew I could get his attention, and I said, "We're not going to hurt each other, are we."
Diane Chambers: Carla, did that work?
Carla Tortelli: We're having a late dinner.

Diane Chambers: [about Sam's story] Coach, I think there's something rotten in the State of Denmark.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's all that cheese.


"Cheers: Don Juan Is Hell (#4.11)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: I have to come up with a topic for my psychology paper by tonight. I'm at complete loss. Of course, I could churn out your run of the mill essay on sadomasochism, bestiality, bondage and discipline, but I'm looking for something with a little pizzazz.

Carla Tortelli: [about Diane] Oh Sam, would you please see if you could light a fire under the Stick. She's been goofing off for an hour.
Sam Malone: Oh yeah?
Carla Tortelli: Yeah. She's got to write some paper about sex and she can't think of anything to write about.
Sam Malone: You're kidding me? She's studied for a whole year at Sammy State.
[Sam runs over to Diane]
Sam Malone: Hey there. I hear you're writing a paper on sex. Is there any way I can help out?
Diane Chambers: Thank you, Sam. This paper is on 'human' sexuality.

Diane Chambers: [about her first sexual encounter] It was the summer of my nineteenth year. He was a young man in uniform. It was a brief encounter. He left my arms and went to his doom.
Sam Malone: Oh no, he was killed, huh?
Diane Chambers: No, no, he went off to boot camp and came back with the most God awful haircut I'd ever seen.

Sam Malone: [about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] It makes my life seem so cheap and pathetic.
Diane Chambers: Sam, you're reading things into this.
Sam Malone: [points at a page in the paper] Like here where it says, "his life is cheap and pathetic"?

Sam Malone: [about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] Everything in here is true, including the part about, I've never had a non-sexual relationship.
Diane Chambers: Now there. That's a good example of exaggeration. You and I have a non-sexual relationship.
Sam Malone: How can you say that?
Diane Chambers: Well, I think the fact that we don't have sex is a major hint.


"Cheers: Show Down: Part 1 (#1.21)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: [about Sam's brother, Derek] Oh Sam, he's not that great. The man can tell an interesting story, he's met a few interesting people, but he's just a man, like any other man you'd meet in Greek mythology.

Diane Chambers: Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard tonight.
Sam Malone: In a plane or on his back?

Sam Malone: I think that you and Derek will make a great match.
Diane Chambers: Really?
Sam Malone: Yeah. Both of you think that you're perfect, and one of you is right.

Diane Chambers: Sam, you talk alot about our having a dalliance, but I've always been told that "barking dogs don't bite."
Sam Malone: Bi-ting. Is that what you're into?
Diane Chambers: Do you know what bothers me? There are women upon whom this works... and they are allowed to vote and drive cars.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, a nuclear bomb just got Boston.
Sam Malone: What?
[Sam and Diane exchange glances]
Diane Chambers, Sam Malone: Derek's here.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: They're catching on.


"Cheers: They Called Me Mayday (#2.9)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, you're Dick Cavett.
Dick Cavett: Ah, well, I couldn't help being Dick Cavett.

Diane Chambers: You must have a lot of close and dear friends in the publishing world.
Dick Cavett: A few.
Diane Chambers: Wouldn't it be a great thrill for you to run across a budding poetic genius?
Dick Cavett: Only if I were wearing cleats.

Sam Malone: I wrote pretty good in high school.
Diane Chambers: You didn't write pretty good. You wrote pretty well.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Norm] Gee, I wish she'd make up her mind.
Sam Malone: [to Diane] Whoa, wait a sec here. Listen, I got an idea. You're a pretty g... well writer.

Diane Chambers: [seeing Dick Cavett enter the bar] Coach, do you know who that is?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Who, the guy with Dick Cavett?

[Diane is helping Sam 'spice up' his memoirs]
Diane Chambers: Coach, a glass of water, please.
[Coach fills up a glass with water and hands it to her; Diane throws the water into her face]
Diane Chambers: Boy, can I write.


"Cheers: Bar Bet (#3.18)" (1985)
Carla Tortelli: Hey, wait, I got an idea.
Diane Chambers: You mean you actually conceived something besides a child?
Carla Tortelli: Whoa. A bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Sam Malone: Hush, hush, hush. I'm thinking.
Diane Chambers: Someone note the date and the time.

Diane Chambers: Oh, Sam. I have dire news.
Sam Malone: Good or bad?

Sam Malone: It's not like we get Justice of the Peace and ministers walking in this bar every day.
Norm Peterson: Don't be too sure, my son.
Diane Chambers: You, Norman?
Norm Peterson: Yup. Back in the 60s, sent a dollar into one of those churches that advertise in the back of Rolling Stone. I'm an official minister of the Church of the Living Desert.

Sam: You handle this; you're a little smarter than me.
Diane: I'm a lot smarter than you. This napkin is a little smarter than you.


"Cheers: I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday (#4.6)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: Sorry guys, I'm a little distracted tonight.
Norm Peterson: Oh yeah, you got some problems Diane, or just the usual?
Diane Chambers: What do you mean 'the usual'?
Norm Peterson: Ah, you know, just how you usually are?
Diane Chambers: How am I usually?
Norm Peterson: So you're distracted, huh?

Diane Chambers: [after Sam loans her $500] Even so, it was hard to come in here and ask for this given our past physical relationship.
Sam Malone: Yeah, kind of feels like you should be giving me the money, doesn't it.

[as collateral, Diane hands over a book she bought for $500 of Sam's money]
Sam Malone: [incredulously] God, it really is a book.
Diane Chambers: It's a book, and a very valuable book. It's a first edition Hemingway.
Sam Malone: [looks at the cover] 'The Sun Also Rises'. Boy, that's real profound.
Diane Chambers: I purchased it for five hundred dollars, but I'm sure it's worth a great deal more. It's signed by Ernest Hemingway himself.
Sam Malone: For five hundred bucks, you'd think Margaux Hemingway'd come over to your house and act it out for you.

Diane Chambers: Sam, go get it from the safe.
Sam Malone: Yeah, see, all right, this may take a minute. Ah, the safe's... the combination's kind of complex.
Diane Chambers: Don't you remember? It's your birthday.
Sam Malone: It is?! Hell, I should be out there celebrating.

Diane Chambers: What's taking you so long?
Sam Malone: Well, ah, I was just thinking...
Diane Chambers: Say no more.


"Cheers: Sam at Eleven (#1.4)" (1982)
Diane Chambers: I had the most fabulous after-class discussion with my art history professor. Yeah. I now feel unequivocally, I have a full grasp on impressionism.
Carla Tortelli: Oh yeah?
Diane Chambers: Yeah!
Carla Tortelli: Do Kirk Douglas.

Dave Richards: Well, well, what do we have here? Hi! Dave Richards. I'm an old team-mate of Sam's.
[Dave shakes Diane's hand]
Diane Chambers: Oh. Diane Chambers. I'm Sam's new waitress.
Dave Richards: Sam have his brand on you yet?
Diane Chambers: Hardly.
Dave Richards: Oh, well, good, then you're in for a lucky day. Not only am I incredibly good looking, I'm also incredibly rich and incredibly nice.
Sam Malone: And incredibly married.
Diane Chambers: Well, I am sorry to hear that.
Dave Richards: You are?
Diane Chambers: Yes. I was hoping to reject you based solely on your personality.

[Sam is facing an emotional crisis regarding his former baseball career, and wants to be left alone to brood]
Diane Chambers: Sam, this could be a crucial moment in your life. It is vitally important that you handle your emotions properly. The worst thing that anyone in a situation like this could do right now is to repress his feelings.
Sam Malone: [calmly] Diane, get out. Please?
Diane Chambers: You need to lash out, to release yourself. Scream.
Sam Malone: [screams at the top of his lungs] Get out!
Diane Chambers: Wonderful. All right. Now, we need now to move away from the brute gut release of emotions into the more cerebral. Tell me in one sentence what you perceive to be your problem right now.
Sam Malone: You won't leave.
Diane Chambers: Let's come back to that...

[Diane doesn't think that Sam's TV interview is such a good idea]
Diane Chambers: Sam, the fact of the matter is that you are an ex-jockstrap...
Sam Malone: "Ex-jock." It's "ex-jock." Now how many times have I got to tell you that?


"Cheers: Norm's First Hurrah (#5.23)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: [about their honeymoon] I told you where I want to go: Tibet.
Sam Malone: Well, it's our honeymoon. Of course we're going to bed.

Sam Malone: It looks like where the dogs sleep.
Diane Chambers: It is. The dogs sleep with us. You wouldn't want to freeze, would you?
Sam Malone: Diane, I didn't sleep with dogs when I was single. I'm not about to start now.
Diane Chambers: For goodness sake, don't you want to taste the exciting and fascinating things that life has to offer?
Sam Malone: Nope, I'd rather marry you.

Diane Chambers: Aren't you coming?
Sam Malone: Well, I have to take care of the bar here.
Diane Chambers: Oh Sam, we've got to show Norman our impressive phalanx.
Sam Malone: Oh, that's all right, honey. He's seen mine at the gym.

[after Thompkins steals Norm's proposal and the Board of Directors shoots it down]
Diane Chambers: Now, Norman, please. Now don't let this phase you. You have to keep pushing. I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.
Norm Peterson: No no, Diane, a few moments ago, I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life and it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me. I am not a go-getter, I've never been a go-getter. What's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter. I'm very happy right where I am. I'm tired of all these people saying "Peterson, you gotta push", "You gotta get ahead", "You gotta make that goal." I don't even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer, OK? The world needs bench warmers. I mean, if there were no bench warmers, what would we have? We'd have... cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that, Diane. In this great pageantry of life, Norm Peterson may be a motionless lump, but he's a very damn good one.
Diane Chambers: Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned.
Norm Peterson: That's because I believe in this, Diane. Look, Norm Peterson is totally happy being an anonymous cog in the gigantic machinery of this firm.


"Cheers: Affairs of the Heart (#2.6)" (1983)
Carla Tortelli: I hate it when they call me 'Cutie'.
Diane Chambers: Well, I do know how you feel. Earlier tonight, a customer had the affrontery to refer to me as 'Honey'.
Carla Tortelli: But that makes sense. Honey is bee barf.

Sam Malone: Lefty had a heart problem.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: That's it. Hank has the same thing. I mean, the least bit of excitement - wham, bam, he's curtains.
Diane Chambers: Coach, how about sex?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Diane, please! I thought you were Sam's girl?
Diane Chambers: Coach, I'm talking about Hank.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Hank is seeing Carla.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to Sam] Are you listening to this?

Diane Chambers: That's the last time I let somebody have a great time in my bedroom.

Henry 'Hank' Zenzola: [about his heart] I have a serious problem.
Carla Tortelli: You do?
Diane Chambers: [about the Coach] He also said that any exertion could be very dangerous for you.
Sam Malone: And so, we thought we'd catch you before you and Carla...
Henry 'Hank' Zenzola: ...exerted.
Sam Malone: Yeah.


"Cheers: Behind Every Great Man (#3.19)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: Uh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over.

Sam Malone: Um, I'm sorry Diane. One more art question here.
Diane Chambers: What is it Sam?
Sam Malone: Uh, all right. Excuse me.
[Sam places an art book in front of Diane]
Sam Malone: OK, now this Rubens guy. Is this the same guy that invented that sandwich?
Diane Chambers: No, no, I don't think so.
Sam Malone: Well, OK, I was just wondering. Boy, cause I tell you, the women in his paintings look like they really tuck away the groceries.

Diane Chambers: Well, Sam I guess I'll be going home. Unless there's something you'd like to talk to me about. Now that we're almost alone and we have a private moment.
[she is expecting Sam to ask her to go away for a romantic weekend]
Sam Malone: Well, actually there is something I'd like to ask you.
[He is going to ask her to tend bar for the weekend while he's away. The only other time she tended bar, she didn't like it and did badly]
Diane Chambers: Oh? Ask away.
Sam Malone: You know, you've been acting kind of strange today, is there...
Diane Chambers: Well, I've had something on my mind.
Sam Malone: Ah-ha. Well, me too. Ah... Well, it's getting pretty tough for me to ask you, actually, um...
Diane Chambers: Sam, if it makes it any easier, I know what you're going to ask.
Sam Malone: You do?
Diane Chambers: Yes. I overheard your conversation. Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. You're going to ask about this weekend, aren't you?
Sam Malone: Yeah. Yeah. The first time we tried it, it didn't turn out too hot. Well, I'm going to take full responsibility for that.
Diane Chambers: Well. I'm sure that I was at fault too.
Sam Malone: Well, whatever, whatever. I think the important thing is that it'll be better this time, now you know where everything is.
Diane Chambers: Well, I suppose that's true.
Sam Malone: Yeah, I'll tell you what. Ah, if you like this weekend, maybe we can talk about making it permanent. What do you say?
Diane Chambers: Permanent? Is that what you want Sam?
Sam Malone: Well, I'm not making any promises here. Let, ah, let's just see how the weekend goes. OK? Is tomorrow at 3 OK, cause I already made reservations...
Diane Chambers: I know, I'm... Sam, I'm, I'm just overwhelmed.
Sam Malone: Oh, come on, you don't have to be nervous. Listen, after your first couple of drinks, you'll relax, get into it and I think you'll actually enjoy it.
Diane Chambers: Well, it does seem to help.
Sam Malone: Yeah.
Diane Chambers: Oh, Sam...
Sam Malone: What, what, what?
Diane Chambers: Well, everything's going so fast. My mind is a tumult. I feel like we're on a runaway train. Where will it end? I, I, I've got to think about this, I'm sorry.
[heads out of the bar]
Sam Malone: Boy you really are taking this seriously.
[yells after her as she leaves the bar]
Sam Malone: Hey, listen, don't worry, if you break anything, I'm fully insured.

Diane Chambers: [to Paula, about her relationship with mystery man, namely Sam] But, we have something that just won't die. Kind of like crabgrass.


"Cheers: Pick a Con... Any Con (#1.19)" (1983)
Sam Malone: You're in a pretty good mood today.
Diane Chambers: Why not? Last night I was up until two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
Sam Malone: I hope he thanked you for it.

[Sam and Diane are talking about their respective ages, each not mentioning the specific number or who is older]
Diane Chambers: I find older men stimulating.
Sam Malone: I hope you're not talking about me?
Diane Chambers: Oh, certainly not. You're not the least bit stimulating.

[Diane is tending bar and, inexperienced, is trying to make a Bloody Mary. Carla is watching in interest]
Diane Chambers: A lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam.
Sam Malone: Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up five gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand.
Sam Malone: How come you're doing this, Carla? Why did you let her do it?
Carla Tortelli: I wanted to see her try and make vodka.

Sam Malone: Hey, you feeling lucky tonight?
Diane Chambers: What have you got in mind?
Sam Malone: [holds up a deck of cards] A game of chance. A simple cut of the cards.
Diane Chambers: What are the stakes?
Sam Malone: If I win, I get to go to bed with you.
Diane Chambers: What if I win?
Sam Malone: You get to go to bed with me.
Diane Chambers: Forget it.
Sam Malone: I understand. You, ah, you'd rather earn it.


"Cheers: I Call Your Name (#3.3)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: I'm having a bad day. Aren't I allowed to have a bad day?
Carla Tortelli: Sure, you've given us plenty. Keep one for yourself.

Diane Chambers: This problem is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane. Suffice it to say, he insists on making mountains out of mole hills.
Carla Tortelli: He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Diane Chambers: What actors we are Sam.
Sam Malone: Huh?
Diane Chambers: I'm amazed we could pull that off.
Sam Malone: Pull what off?
Diane Chambers: Fooling a man so versed in human behavior. There is a spark, isn't there Sam?
Sam Malone: Well, uh. Gee.
Diane Chambers: I don't think it would take much encouragement to turn it into an inferno.
[they embrace and look lovingly into each others eyes]
Sam Malone: Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, maybe you're right.
Diane Chambers: Sam, let's stop stopping ourselves. Let's let it happen.
Sam Malone: Happen. Happen.
[they kiss passionately]
Sam Malone: Hmm, hmm, ah, Diane.
Diane Chambers: [to Sam, she yells out] Frasier. Oops.

Diane Chambers: [Diane confronts Frasier about his having told Sam that she called out Sam's name in bed] Why would you tell him anything to begin with?
Frasier Crane: I was looking for some insight.
Diane Chambers: Insight? From a man whose idea of intellectual stimulation is to count aloud with Big Bird?


"Cheers: Second Time Around (#4.17)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Please tell me if I'm wrong, and I'll be forever silent.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're wrong.
Diane Chambers: [immediately whines] No I'm not.

Justice of the Peace: [during Frasier and Candi's wedding ceremony] If there is any person present who knows a reason why this couple should not be united, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Diane Chambers: I do.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Right phrase, wrong wedding.

[Diane is comparing her and Sam's relationship to Candi and Frasier's]
Diane Chambers: We were as you are diametrically opposed personalities. Oh, at first, our differences were charming to us. I found Sam's lack of refinement and sophistication crudely provocative.
Sam Malone: Yeah, and I liked the way her hair smelled.
Diane Chambers: I'm sure in addition you were excited by the intellectual vistas to which I exposed you.
Sam Malone: Ah, no, I really think it was that conditioner.
Diane Chambers: The point I'm trying to make is that the only thing we had was a great physical relationship.
Sam Malone: And we had a lot of that.

Sam Malone: [musing about the possibility of Sam asking Diane to marry him] What would your answer be?
Diane Chambers: Ah, no, Sam, that's the sort of question that has to be asked before it can be answered.
Sam Malone: Well, if I heard the answer, maybe it would be easier for me to ask the question.
Diane Chambers: Very well. The answer's no.
Sam Malone: Well then the question was, "Have you ever met a man who gave you the hots more than me?"
Diane Chambers: I'd like to change my answer.
Sam Malone: Fine, fine.
Diane Chambers: Then the answer is yes.
Sam Malone: Well then the question was, "Do you want to go to bed with me?"
Diane Chambers: I want to change my answer again.
Sam Malone: Well that's OK, and I'll change my question too. "Is there any way you would not object to not going to bed with me?"
Diane Chambers: [Diane thinks for a second] Wait a minute...
[Sam chuckles at her]


"Cheers: The Boys in the Bar (#1.16)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: [durring Sams interview when he is jumped with the fact that Tom is gay and starts babaling Diane gives him an out and they are in the back room] I was fast but you were faster.

Diane Chambers: This afternoon, I spent five entire hours in a sensory deprivation tank.
Carla Tortelli: Your room?

Diane Chambers: Carla, you're not prejudiced against gays, are you?
Carla Tortelli: Well, I'm not exactly crazy about 'em. I mean, I get enough competition from women. I'm telling you, if guys keep coming out of the closet, there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls.
[Carla looks over at Diane and shudders in horror]
Diane Chambers: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much, but a little.

Sam Malone: Hey, listen. Those guys are staying. If anyone else wants to leave, that's fine.
Norm Peterson: OK, Sammy, you know what kind of bar this is going to turn into.
Sam Malone: It's not going to turn into the kind of bar that I have to throw people out of.
Diane Chambers: That's the noblest preposition you've ever dangled.


"Cheers: Fools and Their Money (#4.12)" (1985)
Sam Malone: I'm in, I'm in, I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that it felt so right when I did it, but now it turns out to be all wrong.
Diane Chambers: What's her name, and how many months?

Diane Chambers: Sam, for the first time in your life, you had the right intentions, and it still blew up in your face.

Diane Chambers: [about a correct bet that Sam never placed with the bookie] We know that Woody actually did pick the winning teams.
Sam Malone: Yeah, so?
Diane Chambers: So, why don't you go to the...
Sam Malone: Bookie.
Diane Chambers: ...bookie and tell him that you honestly intended to wager on the winning teams and see if he won't give you the money.
Sam Malone: That's a good idea. While I'm at it, why don't I just tell him that I meant to bet on all the winning teams since 1975?
Diane Chambers: Can you do that?
Sam Malone: Please!

Diane Chambers: Woody, I want to speak metaphysically.
Woody Boyd: And you need money for the language lessons, no problem.


"Cheers: King of the Hill (#3.15)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
Carla Tortelli: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, are you really going to play in this charity game?
Sam Malone: Yeah, you know I was out there warming up Coach, and my arm feels pretty good.
Carla Tortelli: Are you kidding me? When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, it's not cooking.
Sam Malone: All I care about is not embarrassing myself.
Carla Tortelli: Good luck.
Sam Malone: I have a right to be a little bit rusty. The only thing I've thrown in the past ten years is Diane's butt out of here.
Diane Chambers: No Sam, you're thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of here.
Sam Malone: Ah.
Carla Tortelli: [sarcastically] You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue on the subject is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
Cliff Clavin: Well, as a matter of fact, I was just about to tell Normie here that Florida is a pollution-free state. You know, you know how they treat solid waste?
Carla Tortelli: You said they treated you very well.

Diane Chambers: [about Playboy Playmates] What kind of culture do I live where they are the ideal woman?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well gee Diane, you've got to admit they are beautiful.
Diane Chambers: Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive hair cuts and those bodies, and what have you got?
Carla Tortelli: You!

Diane Chambers: [to Sam, about the Playboy Playmates] You could make love to all five of those women and I would feel nothing, as I'm sure would they.


"Cheers: Suspicion (#4.14)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Good Lord, Sam, have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?
Sam Malone: [wiping his shoes] No, I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty-cents down the drain.
Diane Chambers: Ah, the big bottle.

Diane Chambers: Is it possible that occasionally you people might spend an afternoon doing something that actually involves intelligent thought?
Sam Malone: Like what?
Diane Chambers: I can't conceive.
Carla Tortelli: And we can all breathe a sigh of relief for that.

Diane Chambers: [after a rendition of a chicken she does airs on a serious public television program] I made an absolute ass of myself.
Norm Peterson: Oh, come on Diane, lighten up. It wasn't that bad, it really wasn't.
Woody Boyd: Heck no, I've known chickens who can't do that as well as you.


"Cheers: Someone Single, Someone Blue (#1.20)" (1983)
Diane: Oh, Ernie Pantuso, but you can call him 'Coach'.
Coach: Or you can call me 'Red'.
Diane: Red?
Sam: Yeah, during his playing days his teammates used to call him Red.
Mrs. Helen Chambers: Oh because your hair was red?
Coach: Oh no ma'am. Because I read a book.

Diane: [learning her mother is coming to visit] This is very strange.
Carla Tortelli: That you have a mother?
Diane: No.
Carla Tortelli: That you have a mother that wants to see you?

Diane: [about to marry Sam] I hate your guts, and I always will.
Sam Malone: Well, that goes double for me.
Norm Peterson: [to Carla] I understand they wrote their own vows.


"Cheers: Sam's Women (#1.2)" (1982)
Sam Malone: Does anybody know any good movies?
Norm Peterson: Yeah, what's the name of that new Australian film that's supposed to be so good?
Brandee: No, no Australian films. I hate subtitles.
Diane Chambers: This one's no problem - it's dubbed.

Sam Malone: I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
Diane Chambers: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say...
[Diane mocks a big sigh of relief]

Diane Chambers: But tell me, once you've consumed as much sex for as long as you want it, what would you do then?
Norm Peterson: [long pause] I'd help the poor.


"Cheers: Rebound: Part 2 (#3.2)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: There is one other thing that you should know. It's quite important really. There's another man in my life and he's someone you know.
Sam Malone: Really. Who?
Diane Chambers: Frasier and I have been lovers for several weeks.
Sam Malone: Eww.

Frasier Crane: [enters the bar] Diane, what are you doing here? I've been looking all over for you.
Diane Chambers: Oh, Frasier, I'm so glad you're here.
[lovingly gives him a quick kiss on the lips]
Everyone in the Bar: Eww.

Diane Chambers: Frasier, listen to me. Sam needs my help in the bar. If you feel any spark of jealousy, please let me assure you I could work side by side with this man for the rest of my life and feel nothing.
Sam Malone: Work? Hell, I could live in the same house with her and never be tempted.
Diane Chambers: I could sleep in the same bed, and get nothing but a good night's rest.
Sam Malone: I could get out of jail after twelve years, serve on a ship with an all male crew for another four, be dropped off on a desert island for another three eating nothing but raw oysters, and if Diane were to walk out of the surf naked one day, all I'd want from her are the hockey scores.
Diane Chambers: [to Sam] And you wouldn't even get that.
Frasier Crane: I'm afraid that's not good enough.


"Cheers: Thanksgiving Orphans (#5.9)" (1986)
Diane: What could be more enjoyable than opening your heart this holiday season?
Carla: Opening yours with a can opener?

Norm Peterson: Guys, listen. I'm having a slight problem with the damn bird.
Diane: What color is it now, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Well, I think we're moving into the earth tones.

Diane: Sam Malone, kiss your butt good-bye!


"Cheers: Cheerio, Cheers (#3.22)" (1985)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Diane, I've got the most exciting news. It just couldn't wait.
Diane Chambers: What is it? You're positively tingling.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Come and sit down. I have been awarded an honor that surpasses anything that I could have hoped to have achieved at this point in my career, it goes beyond even my most wild and ambitious dreams.
Cliff Clavin: Hey, hey, Doc, what are we talking here, a Nobel Prize, huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, we're not talking Nobel Prize.
Norm Peterson: What, Pulitzer? Come on.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I didn't win the Pulitzer Prize.
Diane Chambers: Oh, a Guggenheim Fellowship.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, it's not a Guggenheim Fellowship.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, what did you win, a canned ham? You lost all the big ones.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Diane and I are going to Europe.
Sam Malone: Europe? Overseas?
Diane Chambers: Well, we were going to go to the local one, but it's all booked up.

Sam Malone: [about Diane and Frasier's impending trip to Europe] I mean, after all, just because the two of us didn't travel well...
Diane Chambers: When did we ever travel?
Sam Malone: Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.
Diane Chambers: Ah, yes. Well, it helped that you knew the language.


"Cheers: Dark Imaginings (#4.19)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [about Sam's very young date, Bonnie] Pretty girl, Sam.
Sam Malone: Yeah, thank you.
Diane Chambers: Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey.

Diane Chambers: Does Sam's behavior give you pause? Me thinks the man doth protest too much.
Woody Boyd: Excuse me Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be 'I thinks'?
Carla Tortelli: Not in your case, Woody.

[Sam is putting the moves on Diane while Diane is giving Sam a pep talk on aging]
Diane Chambers: [smiling] Oh, Sam, this is wonderful. An old person wouldn't be doing this. This is the act of a vital, strong, young man. Who wants a woman. Who wants sex.
[Sam gets too close]
Diane Chambers: Who won't GET it...


"Cheers: One for the Book (#1.11)" (1982)
Carla Tortelli: What are you writing, Slack?
Diane Chambers: Um, my thoughts.
Carla Tortelli: That explains all the empty pages.

Sam Malone: When I played baseball, I mean I used to get quoted all the time. I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker just waiting for me to say something intelligent.
Diane Chambers: I know the feeling.

Sam Malone: You're telling me that I'm too dumb to be in that book.
Diane Chambers: Sam, there are a lot of people in this book just as dumb as you are.


"Cheers: How Do I Love Thee?... Let Me Call You Back (#2.10)" (1983)
[Sam came to Diane's apartment after they had a fight. She's drunk]
Sam: Wow, you're drunk.
Diane: Wow, you're stupid.
[pauses and smiles]
Diane: But *I'll* be sober in the morning.

Diane Chambers: If you leave, we're through.
Sam Malone: No, no, no. Don't give me ultimatums. I hate ultimatums. If you give me an ultimatum, we're through.

Diane Chambers: Hey everybody. Sam can't say he loves me.
Carla Tortelli: Who can?


"Cheers: The Triangle (#4.15)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Sam, Sam, Sam, do this for me, and I'll owe you a big, big favor, that doesn't involve sex, sex, or sex.
Sam Malone: How about sex?
Diane Chambers: Or sex.

Sam Malone: As long as you don't think I'm in love with you.
Diane Chambers: Well, I don't.
Sam Malone: All right.
Diane Chambers: Not entirely.
[pauses as Sam glares at her]
Diane Chambers: At all.
[pauses]
Diane Chambers: Much.
[pauses]
Diane Chambers: Not a bit.
[pauses]
Diane Chambers: Mostly.

Sam Malone: Poor Frasier. Lost his job, and all he's got working for him is a drinking problem.
Woody Boyd: You know, we ought to help Dr. Crane. I mean, we're his friends. Somebody to ought to give him a good talking to.
Diane Chambers: Don't you think I've done that? You can't imagine how long and how hard I've talked.
[Everyone in the bar loudly affirms Diane]


"Cheers: Old Flames (#2.7)" (1983)
Cliff Clavin: What's the matter, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Uh, oh, nothing. Just that my shorts are binding up on me.
Cliff Clavin: Just stand up and straighten them out.
Norm Peterson: Nah. I'll give 'em five minutes. Sometimes they self-correct.
Diane Chambers: The level of conversation in this bar could not sink any lower.
[Dave Richards walks into the bar]
Dave Richards: [to Diane] Hiya wonderbuns.
Diane Chambers: "Going down"!

Sam Malone: [about the names in his little black book] It took me years to meet all these people.
Diane Chambers: And even longer to alphabetize them.

Diane Chambers: Sam, if brains were money, you'd have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.


"Cheers: I Do, Adieu (#5.26)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: [to Sumner about one of her old unfinished novels] Published?! I knew it, I felt it. I've never been more alive in my life than when I was writing that. Which one was it?

Prof. Sumner Sloan: Sam's bludgeoned all the spirit out of you and dragged you back down to his level.
Diane Chambers: No one was dragged, Sumner. Sam and I walked arm in arm to his level.

Sam Malone: Come on, let's do it. Let's go get a Justice of the Peace.
Diane Chambers: Better yet, let's wed at Cheers.
Sam Malone: The bar?
Diane Chambers: It's ideal. Right there in front of our dearest friends who've been witness to our love, seen the good times and the bad times, shared our joys and sorrows, how perfect. Those dear souls will share our moment of ultimate joy.
Sam Malone: Better still, why don't we have them over right here? We'll do it right here.
Diane Chambers: [screws up her face] Oh, I don't want those people in my house.


"Cheers: Snow Job (#2.18)" (1984)
Sam Malone: I'm going to be staying at my aunt's house and she doesn't believe in unmarried couples sleeping together.
Diane Chambers: We don't have to sleep together.
Sam Malone: Why would you be coming then?

Diane Chambers: It's so late now, you're even going to miss your uncle's funeral tomorrow.
Sam Malone: Well, just tell me, how do you expect me to enjoy a funeral when you're making me nuts like this?

Sam Malone: I am on a top secret mission for my country.
Diane Chambers: You are an idiot.
Sam Malone: No, no, that's just my cover.


"Cheers: Just Three Friends (#2.11)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: [to everyone in the bar] This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.
Carla Tortelli: Meet her this morning?
Diane Chambers: That's Carla. She's likes a little witty repartee. She's just not capable of it.

Heather Landon: [pretending to be on the telephone holding a radio station contest] This is the WTRM radio contest. For a trip to Hawaii, name three cars that start with P.
Diane Chambers: [motioning to Sam] Go ahead.
Sam Malone: Porsche, Plymouth and Pontiac.
Diane Chambers: No, I'm sorry, those cars start with gas.

Diane Chambers: [Hearing knock on door] Sam?
Sam Malone: Malone. One for dinner.
Diane Chambers: [Opening door] Do you have reservations?
Sam Malone: Plenty of them, but I came anyway.


"Cheers: Spellbound (#5.15)" (1987)
[Diane, Carla and Loretta are talking about Nick]
Loretta Tortelli: Oh, Carla, I still love him!
Carla Tortelli: Nothing you can do. We're talking about Nick Tortelli. He wants you, you got no choice.
Diane Chambers: [to Loretta] This is the part I don't get. Here's a man that quicksand would spit up, and yet he has this strange svengali-like influence over you?
Loretta Tortelli: Oh yes. From the moment I first saw him, I knew I'd follow him to the ends of the Earth.
Diane Chambers: Where he's obviously spent a lot of time.
Carla Tortelli: You know, there's... there's something about him. He knows women. Like a jeweler knows jewels. Like a meat cutter knows meat.
Loretta Tortelli: [Proudly] Like a marine biologist knows Marines.

Nick Tortelli: [to Diane] Say the word, Blondie, and we can happen.
Diane Chambers: [Derisively] I'd rather be the love toy of a Greek army battalion.
Nick Tortelli: Who wouldn't? But dreaming gets you nowhere.

Diane Chambers: Nick, will you give up on me? You and I are an impossibility. The only thing you instill in me is the desire to flee. And then to be deflead.


"Cheers: Any Friend of Diane's (#1.6)" (1982)
Rebecca Prout: I'll never forget those long afternoons in the quad, drinking champagne, eating brioche with strawberry preserves, reading and talking Schopenhauer.
Diane Chambers: Yeah, well, enough Schope talk.

Diane Chambers: [about her friend, Rebecca] Sam. That woman over there is a dear friend of mine. Now she is going through a very difficult period. So whatever she asks you, please, just say no.
Sam Malone: [confused] What?
Diane Chambers: No.
Rebecca Prout: [approaching Sam and Diane] Diane?
Diane Chambers: Yes?
Rebecca Prout: Would you excuse us a moment?
Diane Chambers: Fine.
[as she leaves Sam and Rebecca alone, Diane emphatically mouths the word "no" to Sam]
Rebecca Prout: Would you object to joining me in my hotel room for a afternoon of wild animal passion?
Sam Malone: [loudly so that Diane can hear] No!
[Diane nods her approval]
Sam Malone: What's your name?
Rebecca Prout: Does it matter?
Sam Malone: [loudly so that Diane can hear] No!

[Rebecca is telling Diane about how sad she's been since she broke up with her boyfriend]
Rebecca Prout: I used to find enormous comfort translating Russian poetry.
Diane Chambers: I know.
Rebecca Prout: But no more. Even when I went back over my favorite, Karashnakov's "Another Christmas of Agony," it failed to soothe me.
Rebecca Prout: [Reciting poem] Mischa the dog lies dead in the bog. / The children cry over the carcass. / The mist chokes my heart, covers the mourners. / At least this year we eat.
Diane Chambers: Well, if that didn't pick you up, I'm at a virtual loss.


"Cheers: Truce or Consequences (#1.8)" (1982)
Sam Malone: A little hung over, are we?
Diane Chambers: I can't keep anything from you.
Sam Malone: You know, I know something to stop hangovers.
Diane Chambers: Oh, thank God, help me. What is it?
Sam Malone: Don't drink so much.

[Diane is furious with Carla and needs to release some emotion]
Diane Chambers: Coach, what do you do when you are so furious that you have to do something?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I know you think it's a little crazy, but I bang my head on the bar.
Diane Chambers: Doesn't sound crazy to me. It might do me a lot of good right now.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, OK.
[Coach proceeds to bang his head on the bar]

Carla Tortelli: You sound like a lady who is getting tired of her teeth.
Diane Chambers: I'm tired of your teeth and all the vermicelli in-between.


"Cheers: Tan 'N' Wash (#5.6)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Sam, I need to ask a big favor.
Sam Malone: All right, as long as it doesn't interfere with your job.
Diane Chambers: OK then, I need to ask a huge favor.

Carla Tortelli: You know Diane, you shouldn't be investing in a tanning salon, you ought to be using one. You've got skin the color of Elmer's glue.
Diane Chambers: I happen to have what restoration poets refer to as alabaster skin.
Sam Malone: Well, at least your hair looks nice.

Diane Chambers: [about why she's so happy] You know Woody, the usual thing that puts a bounce in a girl's step.
Woody Boyd: Ah, support hose.


"Cheers: Sumner's Return (#2.5)" (1983)
Sam Malone: Why did you pick me?
Diane Chambers: You read War and Peace.
Sam Malone: So did he.
Diane Chambers: You did it for me. I think it was harder for you - call it a hunch.

Diane Chambers: Sumner, let's cut the crap.
Prof. Sumner Sloan: "Cut the crap"? What have they done to you in this place?

Diane Chambers: [Sam and Diane settle down to read 'War and Peace] Let's go see the movie.
Sam Malone: There's a movie? Cliff! I'll kill him!


"Cheers: Whodunit? (#3.13)" (1985)
Sam Malone: What seems to be the problem here, folks?
Frasier Crane: Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner, and in the intervening hours it has been encrusted on his tie.
Cliff Clavin: Oh what, you can take Norm's tie here, put it in a kettle and make soup. Incidently, it's a little known fact that the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib, you know, to wipe your chin.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean they're thinking of changing that?
Sam Malone: Why don't you just tell the guy that he's got a spot?
Frasier Crane: [mockingly] Gee, that's an idea. Why didn't we just come to Sam in the first place? Sam, you just don't say, "there's a spot on your tie" to a man the stature of Dr. Bennett Ludlow.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: THE Bennett Ludlow?
Diane Chambers: You've heard of him, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No.
Frasier Crane: Coach, he's only one of the true giants of psychiatry: author, innovator, educator and I'm not ashamed to say my idol and inspiration.
Norm Peterson: All right, you lean over, you pretend you're admiring his tie tack, and then just nibble the morsel off really quick. Who's the wiser?!
Diane Chambers: Sam is right. We have to tell him.
Frasier Crane: Of course you're right. Oh Sam, may we have three brandies please. And I guess I'm the one who should tell him. After all, I'm the one who suggested beef wellington.
Norm Peterson: Beef wellington, you say?!
[makes a motion toward Bennett Ludlow]
Norm Peterson: Where's that tie?!
Frasier Crane: Just have to find a way to tell him as subtle and tactful a way that will allow him to preserve his dignity.
[meanwhile Carla approaches Bennett Ludlow's table]
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Pigpen. What's that thing?
[points at the crumb on his tie]
Carla Tortelli: What are you trying, to catch pidgeons? Ew.
[picks the crumb off his tie]
Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Thank you very much.
Carla Tortelli: Ah, don't mention it. I like a man who wears his dinner with pride.

Sam Malone: You know, I've been thinking...
Diane Chambers: Have you?! The oddsmakers take a beating again.

Diane Chambers: [Sam suspects Carla is dating Frasier's mentor] Frasier is in a very fragile state of mind. Your asinine theories, while suitable fodder for inane bar conversation, do nothing to ease his fit of pique.
Sam Malone: Wait a minute here. The one word I understood in that, I don't exactly care for. My theory is not asinine.
[as Diane talks, Ludlow enters the bar, and embraces Carla]
Diane Chambers: You're right. It's a lot worse. Think of the two of them together. Bennett Ludlow and Carla? It's harebrained! Just imagine it.
[Diane turns around and sees the embrace, then turns back to Sam]
Diane Chambers: Well, you don't have to imagine it. There it is. Have you ever...
[Diane does a double take]
Diane Chambers: AHHHH!
Sam Malone: No, I guess I haven't.
Frasier Crane: Diane, what's...
[Frasier turns and sees Carla and Ludlow]
Frasier Crane: AHHHH!


"Cheers: Show Down: Part 2 (#1.22)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [to Diane] How do you think it feels to be attracted to someone who makes you sick?
Diane Chambers: I could write a book on the subject.

[Sam and Diane are about to have their first kiss]
Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
Diane: And you, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered...
Sam: SHUT UP! Shut your fat mouth!
Diane: Make me!
Sam: Make you? Why, I'm... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!
Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.
Sam: You know, I always wanted to pop you one. Maybe this is my lucky day.
Diane: You disgust me. I hate you.
Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
Diane: More.
Sam: Bet me.
[They kiss]

Diane Chambers: Coach, do you think I'm a smart person?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You're the smartest person I ever met.
Diane Chambers: Well I, Diane Chambers, bred and educated to walk with kings, once offered a full scholarship at the Sorbonne, have allowed myself to become attracted to a six foot three inch bubble gum card.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well gee, I think I can help you with the sore buns, Diane, but the rest of what you say is all over my head.


"Cheers: The Heart Is a Lonely Snipehunter (#3.14)" (1985)
Frasier Crane: [walks into the bar looking a little down] Oh, hello Diane.
Diane Chambers: Hi Frasier.
[they give each other a quick kiss]
Diane Chambers: Frasier, your lips are troubled.
Carla Tortelli: No wonder. Look at the hell he puts them through.

Diane Chambers: Sam.
Sam Malone: What?
Diane Chambers: There's one other thing I want you to know. Lord knows why, but Frasier thinks of you as a friend. As a matter of fact, he thinks of you as one of his closest friends.
Sam Malone: Get out of here.
Diane Chambers: He does Sam.
Sam Malone: Gee, what a boob, boo, bootiful guy...

Diane Chambers: There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.
Frasier Crane: I know that.
Diane Chambers: What?
Frasier Crane: Good Lord, Diane, a man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.
Diane Chambers: So this is part of a plan, and I unwittingly helped you?
Frasier Crane: Yes.
Diane Chambers: Frasier, how devious. But why didn't you tell me?
Frasier Crane: Well, I couldn't trust you. You'd have thought it was too cruel.
Diane Chambers: Oh, are you kidding? I would have helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.
Frasier Crane: No, but it's what guys do, darling: we screw each other to the wall.
[laughs]
Frasier Crane: Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.


"Cheers: Norman's Conquest (#2.20)" (1984)
Carla Tortelli: [to Norm, about having sex with a client] Norman, I think that you better give the lady what she wants. She is a client. If you don't come across, she's going to drop you like a bad habit.
Diane Chambers: Norman, has it come to this? Are you going to sell your virtue to the first person who buys you a drink in a bar? If you were a woman, I think we'd have a name for you.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I kinda like Becky. I realize Norma is closer, you only have to add "U" "H".

Alan: [to everyone in the bar about Norm's impending return to the bar] OK, quiet everybody, here he comes now. Just act like you don't know anything.
Diane Chambers: Yeah, something tells me you boys can handle that.


"Cheers: Take My Shirt... Please? (#4.13)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [Diane walks into the bar] Hello everyone.
Sam Malone: [quietly] Hey.
[the there a general quiet acknowledgment by everyone in the bar to Diane's entrance]
Diane Chambers: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell "Norm" and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment once in a while?
Sam Malone: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
Diane Chambers: Yeah. Thanks.
[Diane walks out of the bar, and re-enters]
Diane Chambers: Hello everyone.
Everyone in the Bar: [shouts] Norm!
Diane Chambers: That's better.

Sam Malone: [about public television] It's my favorite station.
Diane Chambers: It is?
Sam Malone: Yeah, yeah. I especially like those two guys that talk about the day's events.
Diane Chambers: MacNeil/Lehrer?
Sam Malone: Ah, no no, ah, Bert and Ernie. No, maybe that's their last names.


"Cheers: Chambers vs. Malone (#5.13)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: Do you believe in intuition?
Woody Boyd: No, but I have the strange feeling that someday I will.

Diane Chambers: What's wrong?
Sam Malone: I just had a flash that I got the electric chair for killing you.
Diane Chambers: Well that's silly. Massachussetts doesn't have the death penalty.
Sam Malone: What?


"Cheers: The Belles of St. Clete's (#3.24)" (1985)
[Diane is on the telephone talking to Sam, while Frasier is very noisily building a fire in the fireplace in the background]
Diane Chambers: Carla has a means of dealing with anger that's very effective. She vents it constantly in small doses to prevent build-up that might erupt in violence. It's a technique that many hot-tempered, uneducated people evolve instinctively, and though it's rather primitive, it is nearly as effective as more sophisticated techniques cultivated and employed by better educated people with gentler tempers...
[abruptly stops her telephone conversation]
Diane Chambers: [immediately shouts madly to Frasier] Stop it, damnit!

Diane Chambers: Sam, I'm sorry. What were we... What was I saying?
Sam Malone: You don't know either? We've got to have a rule around here, when you speak, at least one of us has got to be listening.


"Cheers: No Help Wanted (#2.14)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: Yesterday, I saw something very disturbing.
Carla Tortelli: What, the price of peroxide went up?

Diane Chambers: It's impossible to escape the conclusion.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I found a way.


"Cheers: Fortune and Men's Weight (#2.17)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: [about Carla] Sam, she's losing what's left of her gray matter, and I don't mean your underwear, Carla.

Sam Malone: Listen, Cliff, the only battles I've won in life I won on my own.
Diane Chambers: Sam, that was brilliantly put.
Sam Malone: Oh, actually you said that to me just a few days ago.
Diane Chambers: I know, but you remembered it and used it in its proper context.


"Cheers: The Cape Cad (#5.2)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [at a Cape Cod inn] I'm kind of glad you're here. I've been sitting here driving myself crazy. When we used to come here, wasn't there a lobster trap out in the lobby?
Sam Malone: Oh yeah. I guess the lobsters finally wised up and started coming in through the kitchen.

[Sam and Diane are each by themselves at different tables at a restaurant and are the only diners]
Sam Malone: Boy, you know the one thing I really hate is to eat alone. I always feel like someone's looking at me.
Diane Chambers: I'm the only one here.
Sam Malone: Well, you're looking at me.


"Cheers: Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 (#4.26)" (1986)
Woody Boyd: [about Janet and Sam] She's telling him what to say and what not to say at the press conference today.
Diane Chambers: Oh, there's a press conference?
Woody Boyd: Yup, and it's going to be right here in the bar.
Diane Chambers: Oh, that's quite unorthodox.
Woody Boyd: No, I think it's open to all faiths.

Diane Chambers: Woody, can I ask you a question?
Woody Boyd: Sure, if you're not fussy about the answer.


"Cheers: Manager Coach (#2.8)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [about the Coach] He's winning Diane, and winning's the most important thing here.
Diane Chambers: Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.
Sam Malone: Well good, then you won't mind losing this argument.
Diane Chambers: Over my dead body.
Sam Malone: Hey, don't bring last night into this.
Diane Chambers: That's exactly what it was: your *last* night.

Diane Chambers: [about Coach] He's obsessing. I know all the signs. I had a small obsession myself until I got some help.
Sam Malone: You did?
Diane Chambers: Yes, I was obsessive compulsive about neatness. I demanded that everything be in its proper place. But now, look at the laissez-faire attitude I have about my apron. Huh? Now in the old days, I would have insisted that it be pencil, pen, pencil, pen, pad. Well now, it doesn't matter if it's pen, pencil, pen, pencil, pad, or pencil pencil pen pen pad, or even pencil pen pad, pencil pen.
Diane Chambers: [looking down at the current state of her apron] There's one thing that I cannot have and it's this: pad, pen, pen, pencil, pencil. That's just irritating.


"Cheers: Woody Goes Belly Up (#4.2)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: [rhetorically] Do I beg men to fall in love with me?
Sam Malone: I certainly hope not. I like to think I was special.

Diane Chambers: Woody, would you mind if I stuck my big fat nose in your affairs?
Woody Boyd: Stick your big fat nose where ever you like, Miss Chambers.


"Cheers: The Book of Samuel (#5.11)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [about Sam's little black book, which Woody has in his hands] Wait a minute. Do you think it's proper to be rifling through a man's personal papers, no matter how close a friend, no matter how close...
Woody Boyd: Miss Chambers, you're in here.
Diane Chambers: Give me that.
[grabs the book from Woody]
Diane Chambers: [reads] "Diane Chambers. Probably the most incredible woman I ever met. Don't you agree Diane?" Well...
[realizes what she's read, drops the book and storms off]

Woody Boyd: I feel so ashamed. Promise not to tell my mother?
Diane Chambers: Mum's the word.
Woody Boyd: Promise not to tell my mum?


"Cheers: Homicidal Ham (#2.4)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: I happen to know Professor Sebastian DeWitt, one of America's foremost drama coaches. He can spot an actor a mile away.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Boy, that could come in handy at a drive-in.

Prof. Sebastian DeWitt: When you were a student in the department, I could never picture you as a waitress.
Diane Chambers: Oh Professor, you're forgetting I played a waitress in your production of "Bus Stop".
Prof. Sebastian DeWitt: Yes, I know.


"Frasier: The Show Where Diane Comes Back (#3.14)" (1996)
[Diane's recollections of Maris]
Diane Chambers: Niles, do you remember the last time I was in town and we dined together? You had just started dating this woman, she was the queerest little creature...
[accepts a glass of wine from Frasier]
Diane Chambers: Thank you. She ate everyone's sorbet, and then she had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat-check girl massaged her abdomen!
[she laughs loudly, then stops when she notices Frasier's uncomfortable look]
Diane Chambers: Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it. You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?
Niles: No, can't say as we did.

Diane Chambers: So there I was on the balcony of my Malibu beach house when a pod of whales passed by. I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash I was on the beach scrambling to my kayak. But cruel fortune interceded when not twenty yards offshore I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of, of, um...
Niles: Sea kelp.
Diane Chambers: Exactly right. Sea kelp.
Martin Crane: Oh ho, that's funny. I thought he said "Seek help."


"Frasier: Don Juan in Hell: Part 2 (#9.2)" (2001)
[On a getaway at a rustic cabin, Frasier has a hallucination of his three previous girlfriends]
Nanette: Before Frasier sold out, we dreamed of having a home like this, where we'd be close to nature and need nothing except the food we'd grow ourselves and the warmth of each other's arms.
Lilith: [drily] It's a wonder that marriage didn't work out.
Diane Chambers: [aside to Lilith] She was probably great in the sack.
Nanette: Actually, I made a lot of distracting noises.

Lilith: Excuse me, the definitive study was done five years later at Cambridge.
Hester Rose Crane: Oh, excuse me for not keeping up, I was busy being dead.
Nanette: That's her excuse for everything!
Hester Rose Crane: Don't you have a tambourine to bang?
Diane Chambers: [to Nanette] Don't feel bad, she tried to kill me once.
Hester Rose Crane: Oh, not this paranoia again!
Diane Chambers: You had a gun!


"Cheers: Diamond Sam (#5.14)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: This may sound frivolous, but every woman wants to keep the box that her engagement ring came in. I already have space reserved for it in my memento drawer, right between my French Club pin and my retainer.

Diane Chambers: Oh Sam, what did the doctor say?
Sam Malone: Same thing he always does: "Wow".


"Cheers: From Beer to Eternity (#4.9)" (1985)
Diane Chambers: [about bowling alleys] Ah, the alleys. Thanks. It's really a sensory experience, you know. The scent of Aqua Net on a beehive hairdo. The roar of polyester rubbing against old naugahyde. The sight of a cigarette stubbed out on a patty melt. All this plus the anticipation of placing your feet in shoes only seven thousand others have worn before you.

Sam Malone: Oh, by the way, Tawny wasn't the only one looking sexy out there in bowling shoes.
Diane Chambers: Well, thank you.
Sam Malone: No, no, no, I was talking about me. You know, I'm surprised you didn't mention it. No, seriously, seriously, great form out there.
Diane Chambers: Thank you.
Sam Malone: Oh no, no, I was still talking about me. All right, all jokes aside here, thank you very much for helping me beat Gary.
Diane Chambers: Well, I was getting tired of listening to some ignorant blowhard take himself and some stupid competition so seriously.
Sam Malone: Oh, boy, he really does that, doesn't he?
Diane Chambers: No, I was talking about you.


"Cheers: Rebound: Part 1 (#3.1)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: [a knock on Diane's apartment door] Who is it?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's Ernie, Pantusso.
Diane Chambers: Coach? What do you want?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Diane, I have to talk to you. It's important.
Diane Chambers: Coach, you're a dear man, and I love you, and I've missed you, but you're part of a period of my life that I want to see fade into memory. Do you understand Coach?
[pause]
Diane Chambers: Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [long pause] Western Union.

Diane Chambers: After I left here, I decided that I needed to regroup, I needed to go someplace and take a good look at myself.
Carla Tortelli: Ah, shock treatment.


"Cheers: Father Knows Last (#1.15)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Diane. Make a toast.
Diane Chambers: Oh, all right. 'To the baby. With Marshall as the father, it's sure to have brains. With Carla as the mother, it's sure to have... need for them.'

Diane Chambers: Great. Carla gets a raise for getting pregnant. I wonder what *I* have to do to get a raise out of the boss.


"Cheers: Dinner at Eight-ish (#5.20)" (1987)
[Carla catches Sam and Diane in a lie in not babysitting for her]
Carla Tortelli: [to Sam, angrily] So, you and Diane have 'this thing Wednesday night', huh? Why don't you just come out and say it: you don't want to spend an evening alone with my kids.
Sam Malone, Diane Chambers: We don't want to spend an evening alone with your kids.
Carla Tortelli: Neither do I.

Diane Chambers: Our relationship was a two-way street.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and I was run over in both directions.


"Cheers: The Proposal (#5.1)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: [after Diane has jumped off the sailboat and into the water] Sam, throw me a line, please.
Sam Malone: OK. "What's a nice girl like you doing in an ocean like this?"

[Diane returns to the bar, after turning down Sam's proposal the previous night]
Diane Chambers: Oh, Frasier, please tell me where Sam is. I have to talk with him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Diane, in light of your disposal of him last night, I think it's better that he be left alone right now.
Diane Chambers: That poor man. Can you imagine how he must feel?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Dryly] Gee, I'll try.


"Cheers: Birth, Death, Love and Rice (#4.1)" (1985)
Sam Malone: [at a convent] You wouldn't happen to know where a men's room was around here, would you?
Diane Chambers: Sam, would you put a men's room in a convent?
Sam Malone: Right now, I would, yes.

Sam Malone: [visiting Diane at the convent] Hi, Diane.
Diane Chambers: Hi, Sam.
[Diane does a double take]
Diane Chambers: AHHHH!


"Cheers: Friends, Romans, and Accountants (#1.7)" (1982)
Diane Chambers: Sam, if I am to serve both as a waitress and a butt of jokes, I think I should make more money.
Carla Tortelli: Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?

Diane Chambers: [sitting at a table with a man, snapping her fingers to call Sam over] Barkeep? A little service please. Mr. Sawyer will have scotch rocks, and um, hmm, let's see, what am I in the mood for.
Sam Malone: How about a good beating.
Diane Chambers: Perhaps a vermouth cassis.
Sam Malone: Fine. If you need anything else tonight, please just snap your fingers... in several places.


"Cheers: Dance, Diane, Dance (#5.12)" (1986)
Diane: All my life I wanted to dance so badly!
Norm: Looks like you got your wish.

Diane: [to the dance coaches at Boston Ballet] I have a dream. To be a dancer. And for it to become true, you must see me dance. Oh yes, my technique is not quite as polished as it should be, but is that all there is to art, mere technique? Or is it not the passion and emotion and pain that lie deep with our souls, for I have that emotion. I have felt that pain. I am a feeling person, and I can communicate those feelings to you through dance. So judge me not by what my arms and legs are doing, judge me by what I make you feel. Or most importantly, judge me. I must dance, damnit, I must!


"Cheers: The Coach's Daughter (#1.5)" (1982)
Diane Chambers: Sam, I'll only ask this once. Now if you say no, it's no. But I would love to start doing caricatures of the customers here. Caricature is a satirical form of art that the common man loves and I think that it would just be a wonderful memento of our customers visits here...
Sam Malone: No.
Diane Chambers: ...and my art instructor said, he said I'm an original and this would be an invaluable experience, and...
Sam Malone: No.
Diane Chambers: ...and I'd only do it during the slow periods, so it really wouldn't interfere with my waiting tables.
Sam Malone: No.
Diane Chambers: So what do you say. Can I do it?
Sam Malone: No.
Diane Chambers: We'll talk about it later.
Sam Malone: No... No, we won't talk about this later. I don't want you to do that stuff in here.
Diane Chambers: I'm going to do it anyway.
[Sam is flustered]
Sam Malone: [to Cliff] At least she cleared it with me first.


"Cheers: Personal Business (#2.3)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: I propose that you and I abstain from any sort of physical contact for a period of one month. Strictly business for one month. I think that's the only way that each of us can regain our self respect.
Sam Malone: I think that's a very good idea. It would help me out a lot.
Diane Chambers: Fine. One month it is. Mr. Malone.
Sam Malone: [as Sam and Diane shake hands] Miss Chambers.
Sam Malone: [as Diane is about to walk out of the room] Oh, there is just one more thing. I think... Please have a seat. I think my self respect bounces back a little quicker than you expect. I think two weeks of strictly business, and I'd be back in peak shape. You know, maybe, if I concentrate, one week.
Diane Chambers: Well, I believe that my recuperative powers are even greater than yours. A day would be fine with me.
Sam Malone: You know, I think the important thing here is we both know in our minds that we could stop. I think that an hour would certainly prove that.
Diane Chambers: Well, from that argument, it follows that fifteen minutes would be adequate.
Sam Malone: [looking at his watch] I believe that's just enough time to get back to my place.
Diane Chambers: Let's hurry.
[Sam and Diane rush out of the room together]


"Cheers: Little Sister, Don't Cha (#2.2)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [about Carla's sister, Annette] No, no, we do not have to tell Carla about this. It's none of our business if she likes men. Loves men. She can do whatever she wants with her sex life. It's in the Bill of Rights.
Diane Chambers: Where is it in the Bill of Rights?
Sam Malone: Well, you know, the part about the right to assemble and bear arms.
Diane Chambers: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Sam Malone: Hey, hey, I thought you said that you weren't going to call me stupid now that we're being intimate.
Diane Chambers: No, I said that I wouldn't call you stupid *while* we're being intimate.


"Cheers: Love Thy Neighbor (#4.8)" (1985)
Santo Carbone: You're Diane Chambers, aren't you?
Diane Chambers: Yes I am. You look familiar. Weren't you an attendant at Goldenbrook?
Santo Carbone: That was just my cover.
Carla Tortelli: Santo was the one I hired to track you down at the insane asylum.
Diane Chambers: It wasn't an insane asylum, damnit. It was more like a spa.
Santo Carbone: You're out already, huh?
Diane Chambers: Of course I'm out. Why wouldn't I be out?
Santo Carbone: No reason. Look, you take it easy.


"Cheers: Cliffie's Big Score (#4.16)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Sam, look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement: you, Frasier...
Sam Malone: Yourself.


"Cheers: Abnormal Psychology (#5.4)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: Everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.
Sam Malone: Oh, whatever you say. I really don't care.


"Cheers: A House Is Not a Home (#5.25)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: Sam, great news. I found a house.
Sam Malone: Hey, turn it in. Maybe you'll get a reward.
Diane Chambers: No, you goose. I found our house. I was driving to work today and as luck would have it, there was an eight-car smash-up.


"Cheers: I'll Be Seeing You: Part 2 (#2.22)" (1984)
Phillip Semenko: I make love to everything I paint.
Diane Chambers: Your most famous painting is of the Harvard-Yale football game.
Phillip Semenko: Yes, I spent three months in jail. College types don't understand me. I do however still get a few Christmas cards.


"Cheers: Diane Chambers Day (#4.22)" (1986)
Dennis Kaufman: So, are we still on for Saturday night?
Diane Chambers: Ummm, next Saturday would be impossible.
Dennis Kaufman: You don't want to go out with me again, do you?
Diane Chambers: I didn't say that, Dennis. You're putting words in my mouth.
Dennis Kaufman: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
Diane Chambers: No no, they're the right words.


"Cheers: A Ditch in Time (#3.12)" (1984)
Sam Malone: [after a fight about their past relationship, where Diane is about ready to storm out of Sam's office] I'm sorry.
Diane Chambers: What?
Sam Malone: I'm sorry. I did the best I could when I was with you. I mean, you're right, I have blind spots, and I'm not a very good boyfriend. I have never tried harder with any woman in my life. I mean, we had some bad times, but I tell you, the good times with you were some of the best of my life.
Diane Chambers: That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Sam Malone: Diane...
Diane Chambers: No, Sam, stop. I want to get out of here before you say something stupid that ruins it.
Sam Malone: Oh, no, no, no...
Diane Chambers: No, no, no, no, now stop. Don't ruin it.
Sam Malone: I'm not going to ruin, it. I...
Diane Chambers: Sh-sh. Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh.
[she walks out of the office]
Sam Malone: [thinks for a second] Oh, yeah, that would have ruined it. Oh, would it ever.


"Cheers: An American Family (#3.9)" (1984)
Carla Tortelli: Oh, of course I'm going to resist. But all I have to do is be alone with him for a second and I melt.
Diane Chambers: Then there's one simple solution, we shan't let you alone with him, right everyone?
Everyone in the Bar: We shan't.


"Cheers: Diane's Allergy (#3.10)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: Sam. Frasier and I have something important to tell you.
Frasier Crane: Sam, this may be rough going. I mean, despite your vehement protests to the contrary, and with no intention of disparaging your sincerity, but Diane and I believe that you may still be suffering some emotional residue from the turbulent relationship you had with Diane.
Sam Malone: I'm sorry Frasier. I must have dozed off for a paragraph or two.


"Cheers: Coach Buries a Grudge (#2.19)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: [about The Coach's best friend] Scum. Making a play for his best friend's wife. Well, that's something that even you wouldn't do.
Sam Malone: Well, thank you for that, Diane. I can't take all the credit for that because most of my friend's wives are real uggos.


"Cheers: The Peterson Principle (#4.18)" (1986)
Sam Malone: [to Frasier] Well, hey, I've got a projector and screen in the back room there.
Diane Chambers: You said that projector was broken when I wanted to show my slides of Columbian art.
Sam Malone: Well, yes, it is broken when you want to show your slides of Columbian art.


"Cheers: Let Me Count the Ways (#1.14)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: She was the only one in my life who was always there. When everybody else was mad at me, she always liked me. When I'd hide when my parents argued, she'd come with me, and whenever I was sick, she never left my bed until I was well again. And then when I was twelve years old, my parents separated. It was maybe the worst night of my life. Believe it or not, I actually thought about throwing myself in the lake. But then I looked down at this cat in my lap and I thought, Who would take care of Elizabeth? She saved my life that night. And I know it's crazy and it's irrational, but... Oh Sam, I can't help thinking that last night when her time came she must've wondered where I was.


"Cheers: Fairy Tales Can Come True (#3.4)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: What would you call an evening out with a woman when you have absolutely no hope of physical involvement whatsoever?
Sam Malone: A first.


"Cheers: One for the Road (#11.25)" (1993)
Diane Chambers: I came back on a quest for the truth!
Sam Malone: Ahh... ahh... And you just brought along your one-man Warren Commission there!


"Cheers: Save the Last Dance for Me (#4.20)" (1986)
Nick Tortelli: Hello, Sweetcakes. You been thinking about me?
Diane Chambers: Only during flea and tick season.


"Cheers: Where There's a Will... (#2.12)" (1983)
Diane Chambers: Mr. Kramer, you made a wonderful gesture to these people, and now they're asking you to repeat it.
Sam Malone: You do that to me every night.
Diane Chambers: I'm waiting for you to get it right.


"Cheers: Cheers: The Motion Picture (#5.24)" (1987)
[Diane has just shown her edited version of Sam's home movie. It's awful]
Diane Chambers: [about why she gave herself the only end credit in the movie] It's just that I felt I transformed your film into a personal statement that was pure Diane Chambers.
Carla Tortelli: It was pure something.


"Cheers: Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 (#4.25)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: As a matter of fact, I have a wonderful evening planned. My date Gregory and I are going to the theater, and then to a late night supper and dancing.
Woody Boyd: Boy, does that bring back memories.
Diane Chambers: Oh. Are you recalling a similar evening, Woody?
Woody Boyd: No, I just remembered your date called and cancelled.


"Cheers: 2 Good 2 Be 4 Real (#4.7)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Guys, how come we didn't see this one coming?
Diane Chambers: Oh, this from a group who every year fails to see winter coming.
Norm Peterson: Thanks for reminding me, Diane, I've got to take those screens down.


"Cheers: Battle of the Exes (#2.13)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Diane, if you're looking for a place to stay, there's a lovely little inn up in Vermont my wife and I used to drive to all the time.
Diane Chambers: What inn?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: In our station wagon.


"Cheers: Young Dr. Weinstein (#5.7)" (1986)
Diane Chambers: I have the most exciting news everyone. Tonight, I'm eating dinner at The Cafe.
Sam Malone: Oh. Gee, that's pretty exciting. Tonight, I'm driving home in 'the' car.


"Cheers: The Mail Goes to Jail (#3.17)" (1985)
Cliff Clavin: What happened to the heat, Coach?
Diane Chambers: Oh, some minor malfunction that no one here is skilled enough to even attempt to fix.
Norm Peterson: Diane, I resent that, I'm kind of a handy guy; I'll have you know, just the other day, I uh, changed one of them, uh... what do you call them?
Carla Tortelli: A lightbulb?
Norm Peterson: Lightbulb, there you go!


"Cheers: Power Play (#2.1)" (1983)
Sam Malone: You've made my life a living hell.
Diane Chambers: I didn't want you to think I was easy.


"Cheers: I'll Be Seeing You: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: He's one of the most promising young artists in the country. Some day, he could be great.
Sam Malone: Ah, come on, Diane. If he was a great artist, what's he doing alive, huh?


"Cheers: Coach in Love: Part 2 (#3.7)" (1984)
Sam Malone: Hey, Diane. Surprise
[holds up a brown paper bag]
Sam Malone: Found something else of yours lying around my place.
[pulls out a garrish looking red and black teddy from the bag and holds it up to Diane]
Sam Malone: Remember this?
Diane Chambers: Good Lord. Is that for wearing or for signalling aircraft?!
Sam Malone: Well, this is your teddy isn't it?
Diane Chambers: I don't know which of your mindless bimbi left that in your apartment. If she paid money for it, she should be seen to and chemically altered.
Sam Malone: Hey, what, what, you don't like the color?
Diane Chambers: What made you think that was mine?
Sam Malone: Well, you're the only person I know that shops at those fancy French places.
[shows Diane the teddy's label]
Diane Chambers: "The House of Ooh-La-La". Get it away from me. It's horrendous.
Carla Tortelli: [walks in and sees the teddy. picks it up. gushes.] Wow! This is lovely.
Sam Malone: Do you want it?
Carla Tortelli: Me? Oh, I can't take this Sam.
Sam Malone: Oh, no, please.
Carla Tortelli: God, Thanks.
[gushes]
Carla Tortelli: Ah. From "The House of Ooh-La-La".


"Cheers: The Godfather: Part 3 (#5.22)" (1987)
Diane Chambers: [about naming their child] What's wrong with Emile?
Sam Malone: Emile is something you eat, not something you name your kid.


"Cheers: Diane Meets Mom (#3.8)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: I'm having dinner upstairs with Frasier and his mother. She's a seafood aficionado. I think she'll like the bouillabaisse at Melville's.
Sam Malone: You're having dinner with Frasier's mother?
Diane Chambers: You actually deduced I'm having dinner with Frasier and his mother when all I did was say it in your presence. No flash cards, no crib notes on your sleeve - uncanny.


"Cheers: And Coachie Makes Three (#2.15)" (1984)
Diane Chambers: How are you this morning, Norman?
Norm Peterson: Oh, as if you cared.