Martin Crane
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Martin Crane (Character)
from "Frasier" (1993)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Frasier: Dinner at Eight (#1.3)" (1993)
Martin: Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles. They had one in the display window wadded up inside a mayonnaise jar!
Niles: Frasier, is he our real father?

Martin: I wouldn't like it.
Frasier: Oh Dad, how do you know if you don't try it?
Martin: Well I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to know I wouldn't like that.

Waitress: And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.
Niles: Claim our steaks?
Martin: You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley!
Frasier: How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?

Martin: Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.
Frasier: I wish this was one of those times.

Martin: There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.
Niles: This aroma's triggering a sense memory. Something familiar. It's... oh, of course, Maris in her home tanning bed.

Niles: The food is to die for.
Martin: Niles, your country and your family are to die for, food is to eat.

Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
Martin: He cut you off!
Frasier: That doesn't matter. You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says "If you're close enough to read this I'll kill you."
Martin: Big talk for somebody in a Volvo!

Martin: [on his new suit] Look at this, it's real sharkskin, watch it change colors when I move.


"Frasier: Secret Admirer (#6.6)" (1998)
Niles: [about Maris] What is wrong with that woman?
Martin: Why don't you start, Frasier? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.

[Martin ruffles through the shredded paper Frasier's gift came in]
Martin: Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple.
[pause, then]
Martin: Poppity-pop-pop-pop!
[laughs]

Martin: Don't ask me, I'm just the ice cream man.

Martin: Hey guys.
Niles: Hey there.
Daphne Moon: So, who won the squash game?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Daphne, it's not about winning or losing, its about the thrill of competition.
Martin: Congratulations Niles.

Dr. Frasier Crane: How did things go with Maris?
Niles: I wish I knew. I returned the gifts and told her there was no chance of reconciliation. She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
Martin: You know, they got a cream for that.

[Niles realizes that the expensive gifts in Frasier's bag are meant for him]
Niles: [excited] You don't suppose it's Daphne?
Martin: [sarcastic] Yeah, she took that second job washing that old Mrs. Lumpkin's hair just so she could give you Cartier. Besides, the note said it's someone you've been with.
Niles: Hmm... there's been so few women since Maris. So few women before Maris. Hence there was Maris.

[Niles gets bad news from Maris]
Niles: I don't believe it! I thought I made myself perfectly clear. What is wrong with that woman?
Martin: Why don't you start, Fras? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.

[Niles opens a box and pulls shredded paper aside. There is a small ring box which he opens. The only thing inside is a coin. He picks up the card and reads... ]
Niles: Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through with you... all you'll have left is this nickel.
Martin: Oh, no.
Niles: Oh, God... she's going to ruin me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, Niles, maybe she's bluffing. You know, once she's signed the financial settlement...
Niles: [picking up the paper] She's not bluffing. This IS the financial settlement.


"Frasier: The Good Son (#1.1)" (1993)
[Frasier is showing his father his apartment]
Frasier: Dad, what do you think of that view, huh? Hey, that's the Space Needle there.
Martin: Oh, thanks for pointing that out. Being born and raised here, I never would have known.

Frasier: No, not Eddie!
Martin: But he's my best friend!
Frasier: But he's weird! He gives me the creeps, all he does is stare at me!

Daphne: You were a policeman, weren't you?
Martin: Yeah, how'd you know?
Daphne: I must confess... I'm a bit psychic.

Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study, the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?
Martin: Ah, use the can like the rest of the world!

Frasier: I mean "burden" in its most positive sense.
Martin: As in, "Gee what a lovely burden"?

Martin: We call him Eddie Spaghetti.
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.

Frasier: [a delivery man drops off Martin's chair... ] Dad as dear as this piece is to you, I just don't think it goes with anything here.
Martin: I know, it's eclectic!


"Frasier: RDWRER (#7.12)" (2000)
Martin: McGinty's going in for a bypass next month and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day.
Niles: This is a disaster.
Martin: No, they'll just pop in another pig valve. You know, the only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon. So, the same thing that's killing him is keeping him alive. There's your "O. Henry" story.

[Martin takes Eddie into the woods for a bathroom stop]
Martin: All right, Eddie. Let's go sign nature's guest book.

Martin: Well, you can't do a U-ey on an interstate.
Frasier: That's twentieth century talk, dad. Welcome to the future.

Martin: [at the restaurant] I wonder if you can still get sticky shingles here.
Niles: One look at the salad bar says yes.

Cop: Well, well. You boys know what you did wrong back there?
Martin: Yeah, we made a u-turn.
Cop: Nope, you called me a goober.

Daphne Moon: This is for you, from the DMV.
Martin: Oh-ho, I know what this is, the custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago!
[holds them up]
Martin: Yay! Well, fifty bucks, but I think it says it all.
Frasier: "Erd... whirr-er"?
Daphne Moon: "Rid Worry-er"?
Frasier: "Red Wearer"!
Martin: Oh, for God's sake! "Road Warrior!"
Daphne Moon: Of course! For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago, I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it.

Daphne Moon: Bloody hell! Five days after Christmas is over and I'm still getting these cards! They do it on purpose, you know. It's always from someone you forgot, and then it's too late to send one back, then they sneer at you for the rest of the year! "Peace and Goodwill," my ass! You just lost yourself a customer, Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.!
Martin: Losing a set of English teeth, he'll feel that!


"Frasier: Here's Looking at You (#1.5)" (1993)
Daphne: And you know as well as I do that history is full of sexy limpers. For instance, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Of course he didn't limp so much as roll. Oh, I know, Toulouse Lautrec. Although he was rather a little person. Still, he did rather well with the ladies. Of course, they were all prostitutes. But then again, he was French and there's no explaining their taste.
Martin: What's your point?
Daphne: I guess I don't have one.

Martin: She's not my girlfriend.
Frasier: Oh please. You two have been exchanging notes for the last three days. If you were in the sixth grade, you'd be sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Martin: How's Freddie?
Frasier: Oh, Frederick is fine. Oh, he sends his love. He said to thank you for the toy gun you gave him. At least what he can remember of it before Lilith smashed it to bits with a croquet mallet.

Martin: Thanks, Frasier. You know, I guess I don't say it often enough but you're a good kid.
Frasier: Well, thanks Dad. You know, there's something I don't say often enough...
Martin: There's nothing you don't say often enough.

Martin: See if I've got this tie on right?
Daphne: Just needs a minor adjustment. What's all this hair on it?
Martin: The only way I can get the knot right is if I tie it on Eddie first.

Martin: Boy, it's a long time since I've been dating. Have things changed much in the last forty years?
Frasier: Well, the wardrobe's a little different, but, ummm... your ultimate goal is still the same.

Frasier: Now let's see here, yep, you got a hanky in there?
Martin: Yep.
Frasier: Terrific, alright. Have you got, ah, your keys?
Martin: Yep.
Frasier: You're not going to be out too late, are you?
Martin: Frasier...!
Frasier: Dad, I'm just busting your chops here.


"Frasier: Radio Wars (#7.3)" (1999)
Martin: People think you're stuffy. You know, with your opera parties, and your wine parties and your seasoned crepe pans.
Frasier: In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.
Niles: Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.

Martin: My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, "The Avengers." You used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella... Steve.
Frasier: Steed!
Niles: Dad!
Frasier: There were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty. Whenever somebody gave him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.
Martin: Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.
Frasier: Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
Niles: I remember getting a chin strap, so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
Martin: And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet."

Martin: How often do you get to hear your son on the radio?
[Frasier angrily stares at Martin for a moment, then;]
Frasier: [explodes] I'M ON THE RADIO EVERYDAY!
[He storms to his bedroom]

Frasier: [about his speech] I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal.
Martin: I'm not sure you want to call it your re-*butt*-al.

[Carlos and the Chicken have offered a cash prize for the best photo of Frasier's butt]
Frasier: [rushing into his apartment] Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect!
Martin: Was that Mrs. Curdsman?
Frasier: She dropped her medication in the hallway. As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade!
[holds up pill bottle]
Frasier: Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll cough up that film!

Daphne Moon: You know, it's funny hearing you talk about "The Avengers." My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head-to-toe in that skintight black leather catsuit. Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's coming up.
Martin: Catsuit, huh?
[nods towards Eddie]
Martin: Better not let this guy hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts.
Niles: [indignant] I would not!
[sees Eddie]
Niles: ...be surprised if he did!
[pets Eddie]
Niles: Ho-ho-ho...


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 1 (#9.12)" (2002)
Dr. Frasier Crane: You should have been at the condo-board meeting, Dad. You missed all the excitement.
Martin Crane: Don't tell me: People argued about some dumb building policy and then you all had cookies.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Not this time. I gave the greatest speech of my condo-board career, which led to a vote, which led to the ruling that Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the subbasement.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Then, we had cookies.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, I am an orator. It is not only that which is said, but the passion with which it is said.
Martin Crane: You're saying it now and it just sounds like a lot of hooey.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's because I'm not orating right now.

Martin Crane: You think that's smart, ticking off the guy that lives right above us?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, we are protected by this building's constitution. Believe me, I will have Cam cited for a noise violation if he so much as drops a hint.

[the phone rings and Daphne answers]
Daphne: Hello?... Oh, Mum.... Yeah, I'm sorry; I've been meaning to call, but Dr. Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I do not!
Martin Crane: Let her say whatever she needs to.
Daphne: Yeah, and poor old Mr. Crane is so feeble, he can't even make it to the loo by himself.
Martin Crane: Hey!

[discussing Daphne and Niles' moving in together]
Martin Crane: Well, I guess from now on it's just you and I.
Dr. Frasier Crane: "You and me," Dad.
Martin Crane: This is gonna be great.

Martin Crane: Hey, you better not let Frasier see you wipe your hands on the couch. He's mad enough that you ate that stuff that he puts on his face.
Simon Moon: I'm telling you, it was marmalade.


"Frasier: She's the Boss (#3.1)" (1995)
Frasier: [Eddie is barking at the dog upstairs] Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep! I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone! In the last thirty-six hours I haven't had so much as a nap, and I've got to be back at the station by 2 A.M.
[stares at Eddie]
Frasier: Eddie, listen carefully. By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep.
[Eddie ducks his head]
Daphne Moon: Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'll take Eddie for a walk. And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion...
Frasier: DON'T! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reich Chancellor and Roz's incessant whining! As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it!
[stomps off to his room]
Martin Crane: Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that.
Daphne Moon: [gets up and goes to the door] Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. Eddie?
[she sticks two fingers in her mouth and blasts a shrill whistle]
Frasier: [from his room] Damn it!

Dr. Niles Crane: Hello, Fraiser, dad, Daphne. I can't stay. I just wanted to ask a favor. Dad, can I borrow your gun?
Martin Crane: Maris taking singing lessons again?
Dr. Niles Crane: No. Our home security system is down for repairs, and no electric gates. I'll just feel safer if I'm packing heat.
Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles. You don't even know how to pack a lunch.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, please. Maris is a wreck ever since she found out our entire neighborhood watch is wintering in Palm Beach.
Martin Crane: Forget it. You don't know the first thing about guns.
Dr. Niles Crane: I do so. I promise I'll open the spinny thing and check for bullets before I shoot anybody.

Martin Crane: You bought a starter's pistol?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes. You see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, but this way no one can get hurt.
[Niles accidentally fires the pistol and jumps on Frasier's couch in fright]
Frasier: [running in from his bedroom] What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Dr. Niles Crane: [casually] Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: Just getting up? Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin Crane: [trying to placate Frasier] Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Dr. Niles Crane: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

Daphne Moon: What are you doing up so early?
Frasier: Oh, the new station manager's taking over today. She wanted to meet with all of us.
Martin Crane: 'She'? Oh, working for a woman, huh?
Frasier: Yes. Why?
Martin Crane: Well, it's tough on guys, taking orders from a woman. We resent it.
Frasier: That's absurd. If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived.

Martin Crane: [refusing Niles' request to borrow his service weapon] I don't believe in civilians having guns.
Dr. Niles Crane: This isn't fair! Maris' mother gave her a gun.
Martin Crane: Well, then Maris' mother can clean up the mess after she accidentally blows your brains out.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris' mother has never cleaned anything in her life.


"Frasier: Are You Being Served? (#4.21)" (1997)
[the doorbell rings]
Frasier: That'll be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
Daphne: Is that something we shouldn't talk about?
Martin: No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.
Niles: [from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?

Daphne: When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?
Martin: You know, I was on a case once where the wife constantly nagged the husband like this. "You never put anything in the garbage. Why don't you ever put anything in the garbage?"
Daphne: Well, he should have listened to her.
Martin: Oh, he did. And that's where we found her!

[Niles is covered in foam]
Daphne: Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
Niles: I'm fine... Just a little hot... And foamy...
Martin: You know what must have happened? My "Hot & Foamy" must have exploded!
Daphne: [sarcastic] He was a detective, you know.

Martin: Now the beauty of the "Hot & Foamy" is the ultra-quick heating action. You just plug it in and two minutes later, presto, guess what comes out?
Daphne: [sarcastic] Well, the obvious answer would be shaving cream, so I'll go with... music?
Martin: You had a lot of sassy things to say about my clothes steamer, too. But didn't those snow peas taste delicious?

[Niles has signed Maris's divorce papers]
Martin: Niles, I'm proud of you. I know this isn't easy, but in the long run I know you'll be happier. I'm damn sure I will be.


"Frasier: Good Grief (#6.1)" (1998)
Roz Doyle: [an unemployed Frasier is lying on the couch, sobbing.] Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [still crying] No career, no relationship, no hope!
Roz Doyle: You can say the same thing about me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was talking about you!
[Roz smacks him]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say--
[Frasier yells loudly.]
Martin Crane: What are you trying to do, kill him?

Dr. Frasier Crane: I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.
Martin Crane: [aside] A couple more days like this, he's gonna be *in* a beloved Seattle institution.

Dr. Frasier Crane: You're just in time, I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
Martin Crane: Here?
Dr. Niles Crane: Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

Dr. Niles Crane: How's Frasier doing?
Martin Crane: He's getting weirder, he beat up a pinata yesterday.
Dr. Niles Crane: Isn't that what you're SUPPOSED to do to a pinata?
Martin Crane: Not like this. They found a jawbreaker on the other side of the highway.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, you're not famous ANYMORE!
[Frasier starts bawling]
Martin Crane: What in the hell did you do that for?
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, he needed a push.
Martin Crane: But look at him! This can't be good!
Dr. Niles Crane: No, it IS good. Let it all out, Frasier, let it all out, good, that's right.
[Frasier carries on]
Dr. Niles Crane: That's probably enough now, okay.
Martin Crane: How much more can be in there?
Dr. Niles Crane: Okay, alright, yeah. That's probably enough now.
[to Martin]
Dr. Niles Crane: I don't think I can get him to stop.
Martin Crane: But this is sickening!
Daphne Moon: What're we gonna do?
Martin Crane: Somebody get that Monte Cristo in there!


"Frasier: My Coffee with Niles (#1.24)" (1994)
Martin: Come on, we've gotta hurry up because the boys are taking us to Hoppy's Old Heidleberg tonight for dinner!
Daphne: Oh, great, German food. We whipped the Jerries twice this century and they still have the last laugh.

Martin: Coffee, black, and don't put anything fancy in it.
Waitress: We have two special coffees...
[off Martin's look]
Waitress: I'll surprise you.

Martin: I'll pay for coffee too, how much is it?
Frasier: A dollar-fifty.
Martin: For coffee? What kind of world are we living in?

Daphne: [walking in] There you are. I've been up and down Third Street looking for you.
Martin: Oh, I was on Fourth Street, Eddie had already smelled everything on Third. How did you know I was coming back here anyway?
Daphne: I had one of my psychic flashes. Bang, there you were, walking through the door of Café Nervosa. And there you were, apologizing for the way you've treated me this past week.
Martin: Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Daphne. Just forget about it, all right?
Daphne: And something about a raise...
Martin: You're winging it now, aren't you?
Daphne: Am I that transparent?
Martin: No, I'm psychic.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, as always I've enjoyed getting together with you for coffee.
Martin: What do you guys talk about all the time?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, you know. Sports, chicks, monster truck rallies.
Martin: Okay, don't tell me.


"Frasier: Daphne's Room (#2.17)" (1995)
Martin: Aw geez, the disposal's jammed. Yeah, stick your hand down there and see what's stuck, will ya?
Niles: Dad, it's me. Niles.

Martin: I can't get my hand in there.
Niles: Oh, all right, punish a man for being fine-boned. Are you sure it's off?
Martin: Positive.
[reaches towards the switch to demonstrate]
Niles: Ah-ah-ah! Move-away-from-the-switch!
Martin: Jeez.
[does so]
Niles: [sticking his hand in] Oh-ho, it's wet and slimy and God knows what, it's like sticking my hand into the mouth of hell...
[Frasier starts the coffee grinder, creating a high-pitched buzzing noise]
Niles: YAAH!
[Niles's hand shoots out of the garbage disposal and he falls back, knocking over Frasier's silver coffee service and falling onto the floor]

Niles: Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry. I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.
Martin: Well, when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman!
Niles: I can't do that with Maris; she has an abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig!
Frasier: Let me guess: Maris has moved into the east wing again?
Niles: Sunday was her 40th birthday. She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and, in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her.
Frasier: What - no gifts? No party? No nothing?
Niles: Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe and you've got her down perfectly.
Martin: Why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume?
Niles: She gets hives.
Martin: How about candy?
Niles: Hypoglycaemic.
Martin: Just get her a dozen roses.
Niles: Allergic.
Frasier: Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk with her; tell it was a mistake. We all know she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty.

[Daphne is mad at Frasier after he wandered into her bedroom without permission]
Frasier: She goes into my bedroom all the time and it doesn't bother me.
Martin: Women are different.
Frasier: Dad, that is sexism talking.
Martin: No, that's 35 years of marriage talking. Women protect their privacy. You know how they are about their handbags, you never go in there! It's always "bring me my purse." A husband could say "honey, I'm being robbed! The guy's holding a gun to my head, and I don't have any money!" The wife'd say, "bring me my purse."

Frasier: Coffee, Dad?
Martin: Why not? I'm up six times a night anyway, I might as well be alert!


"Frasier: Slow Tango in South Seattle (#2.1)" (1994)
[Niles and Martin are discussing a hot new romance novel]
Niles: Maris is reading "Slow Tango In South Seattle." I think it's put thoughts in her head. This morning I found her cooing over the college student who skims the koi pond.
Martin: I wouldn't concern myself.
Niles: Do you think it's just innocent flirting?
Martin: No, I just wouldn't concern myself.

Martin: [about Maris] She hasn't taken up horse back riding, has she?
Niles: No, no, she wanted to but unfortunately her little quadracepts are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie.

Martin: You kill me, you know. You get exactly what you want and you're still not happy. Frasier, life is not hard: you make it hard. You don't just let things happen and enjoy it, you gotta analyze everything to death. You could learn a big lesson from this dog here.
[Gestures to Eddie rolling on the floor]
Martin: You know what makes him happy? A sock!

[Niles and Martin are ribbing Frasier about sleeping with his music teacher]
Martin: Boy, this really fries me, you know? That woman taking advantage of my kid. Not to mention I was putting out ten bucks a week for piano lessons so you could get your hedge trimmed.
Niles: Wait a minute. We're not talking about Miss Warner?
Martin: Don't tell me this was going on during your lessons, too.
Niles: No. You'll be relieved to know that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs, I was actually studying music.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I can't believe this. I simply cannot believe it.
Martin: What are you yapping about?
Dr. Frasier Crane: This... this book. It was written by a man I knew. He's taken an incident from my own life - something I shared with him in confidence one night - and he's turned it into this... this trash!
Daphne Moon: "Slow Tango"? I just started reading that. You mean to tell me that young man is based on you, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, he is, but did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements!
Martin: What's it about, anyway?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne Moon: It's about his first time.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you, Daphne.
Niles: Your first time doing what?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic again] Changing a flat tire.
Niles: Oh... oh!
Martin: So this whole book's about the night you conceived Frederick?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Very amusing, dad. I'll have you know that was not my first time.
Martin: Hey, I'm happy to know it wasn't your only time.
Niles: Just who was this charitable lass?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
Daphne Moon: His piano teacher.
Martin: His piano teacher?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you again, Daphne!


"Frasier: The Two Mrs. Cranes (#4.1)" (1996)
[Martin needs a ride to his army reunion]
Martin: Come on, they're great guys. Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course his name's not really Jim, we just call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank "Bud," because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!
Niles: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it!

[Martin pretends to be an astronaut]
Martin: Ya know, most people think that there the name Buzz Aldrin has some huge meaning behind it... nope, he was afraid of bees.

Clive: Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, your surname still is Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
Martin: I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquility.

Martin: What the hell is going on here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend. She's trying to let him down easily by pretending to be married to Niles.
Niles: This is *my* place. Frasier's staying here temporarily because he's separated from Maris.
Martin: [to Frasier] You couldn't stand her either, huh?


"Frasier: Perspectives on Christmas (#5.9)" (1997)
Martin Crane: [Martin talking on the phone about Christmas pageant as Daphne, who thinks he's dying, enters] Well, you know, I'm terrified about this, Father. All this came around so sudden. I'm not prepared. Now tell me again what I'm supposed to say when I see Jesus the first time?
[Daphne fights back tears]

Martin Crane: Oh hi, Daphne!
Daphne Moon: [brave smile] Hello! I'm just so excited about the gift I just got for you, Mr. Crane.
Martin Crane: Oh, Great!
Daphne Moon: Why don't you open it now?
Martin Crane: Oh, I'd love to, but to tell you the truth, I don't really have much time, I'm kind of on my way out.
[Daphne starts to cry]
Martin Crane: Oh, OK, all right! I'll open it now, sure, sure. I don't want to get you upset! You must be really excited about this!
Martin Crane: [pulls gaudy sweater out of gift bag] Oh, wow! It's that sweater! The one I pointed out to you in that window! It's great! Boy, I can die a happy man now!
[Daphne bursts into tears]
Martin Crane: Daphne, what's the matter, are you all right?
Daphne Moon: Oh, Mr. Crane, I know why you've been going down to that church!
Martin Crane: You do? Well, you're not supposed to know about that! But why is it making you so upset?
Daphne Moon: Because I care about you! You were actually going to let this whole thing happen without ever telling a soul!
Martin Crane: Well, yes! I don't want people staring at me in church, stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face.
Daphne Moon: [He goes to get his coat. Daphne sinks onto the couch, crying] So... how much time have you got?
Martin Crane: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Daphne Moon: Twenty minutes?
Martin Crane: Yeah, and boy, will I be glad when it's all over. This is the last Christmas pageant I'm ever signing up for!
Daphne Moon: You're in a Christmas pageant?
Martin Crane: Well, yeah! What did you think I was talking about?
Daphne Moon: I thought you were dying!
Martin Crane: What?
Daphne Moon: Well, you'd just got your test results back, you're down at the church all the time.
[Martin starts to laugh]
Daphne Moon: Why are you laughing?
Martin Crane: Well, it's funny!
Daphne Moon: I don't think it's so bloody funny!
Martin Crane: Are you kidding?
[acts as if hanged]
Martin Crane: Oh, I'm dying!
Daphne Moon: You will be!
[hurls a pillow at him]

Martin Crane: [coming home from the church performance] I hate Christmas, I hate singing, and I'm going to bed.

Martin Crane: [trying to hit a high note] O niiiiiiiggggghhhhhht, DEVIIIIIIIINE!
[tenant below pounds on the ceiling]
Martin Crane: Oh shut up!


"Frasier: To Kill a Talking Bird (#4.14)" (1997)
[Niles drops by with his dog]
Niles: Hello, Frasier. We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for...
Martin: Stop right there! There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [as Martin is duct-taping his chair] Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: You know, I keep havin' this dream where you say the same words... only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have medical power of attorney it won't cost me a thing.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Referring to the building Niles wants to move into] I'm going to go out on a limb here: the Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?
Niles: On the contrary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.
Martin: [Holding Niles' dog] Well, then you're in luck, 'cause I don't know what the hell this thing is.

Martin: Niles, you gotta see this, your bird's eating peanut butter! It's even funnier than when Eddie does it!


"Frasier: First Do No Harm (#6.5)" (1998)
[on Frasier's caramelizing torch]
Martin: Yeah, I was pretty proud the first time he brought that blow-torch home. 'Til I saw what it was for.

Martin: Well, don't worry, I found a girl for you. Now, Duke's daughter Marie just moved back in town...
Frasier: Dad, blind dates remain the refuge of the lovelorn.
Martin: You know, if you didn't talk like that, you might not have to get set up so much.

[Martin is setting Frasier up with Duke's daughter Marie]
Martin: Duke said she's grown into a real looker.
Frasier: Yes, well I have seen Duke, and unless he sired a love child with Catherine Deneuve, I don't like my odds.
[Marie comes in]
Marie: Uncle Martin.
Martin: Oh, Marie! Look at you! You remember Frasier.
Frasier: Bonjour.

Frasier: You know, maybe there's still time to win her back.
Martin: Well, it'd take a pretty big bouquet of flowers to do that.
Frasier: I don't know, Dad. Maybe if I just explain to her what really happened, she'll forgive me. Sometimes the best apology is just the truth.
Niles: You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
Frasier: ...Well, not that truth. Some other truth.


"Frasier: The Club (#2.18)" (1995)
Martin: Whew! I think I need more comfortable shoes. My dogs are killing me.
Daphne: Pardon?
Martin: My dogs. My feet. What do you call them in England?
Daphne: Well, we mostly call our body parts by their rightful names. Except my uncle Harold. He named parts of his anatomy after the royal family. He walked on the Queen's Pins, he sat on the Duchess of Kent. He was quite a jolly fellow. That is, until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to a cocktail waitress.

Martin: Where's Maris?
Niles: Uh, she stayed in the Mercedes, practicing her vivacious giggle.

Frasier: Dad, what are you doing?
Martin: I'm teaching Eddie a new trick.
Frasier: With my twenty-six-dollar-a-pound imported prosciutto?
Martin: Wait'll you see it. It's worth it!
Frasier: Not unless he can sing the love duet from Tosca.

Martin: Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house that was one embarrassing garage sale.


"Frasier: Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven (#4.8)" (1996)
Martin: [Frasier after learning Martin is picking up the tab at Le Cigare Volone, tells the waiter that he and Niles are eating light] You're eating light? All the way over here you had the same look on your face that Eddie gets when he hears the can opener.

Martin: [in restaurant] You guys go ahead. I've got to make a visit to "la canne."

Martin: Hey, wait a minute. You didn't think I was going to give you my badge, did you? You'll have to pry that out of my cold, dead hands.
Frasier: It's a date.

Frasier: Do you remember a time when I was... oh, six or seven years old, and you were getting ready for work, and you were getting dressed. I was playing with your badge, and you sat me down, and you said that it was not a toy, that it was a symbol of something very important - of integrity, and honesty, and helping people... Well, from then on, every time I'd see you put on that badge, I would, uh, I would think of that.
Martin: I just said it so you'd stop playing with the damn thing. You were getting it all sticky.
Frasier: Yeah, well, be that as it may... I've tried to live up to your example, and help other people. I've tried, as a psychiatrist, to conduct myself with the same integrity that you showed as a police officer. And, when I find myself in a quandary as to the proper course of action, I think of you wearing that badge, and then I know what I have to do. You gave me that.


"Frasier: Frasier Grinch (#3.9)" (1995)
[Martin's robot santa says "Ho Ho Ho!"]
Martin Crane: It works when you step on the mat.
[It says "Ho Ho Ho!" again]
Martin Crane: It can say "Ho, Ho, Ho", "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays."
Frasier: Yeah, well I hope it can say "Geronimo" because I'm going to throw him off the balcony!

Daphne Moon: I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Martin Crane: Who gets to lick the bag?
Daphne Moon: No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready.
[She moves towards the door, stepping over the Santa mat]
Daphne Moon: You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye, Merry Christmas.

Martin Crane: [pulls out more Christmas decorations] Santa's legs for the chimney! You remember these babies?
Frasier: Oh, yes. Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares the year I found them under your bed.

Martin Crane: [about the decorations] Well, I don't care what you think; it's not for you, it's for Frederick.
Dr. Frasier Crane: God, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love this stuff when I was six; by the time I was seven, I started to have questions; when I was eight, I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins'.


"Frasier: Come Lie with Me (#3.12)" (1996)
Martin: I just spent five minutes trying to button these pants. That stupid dryer shrunk another pair on me!
Frasier: Dad, before you blame the dryer, have you ever considered stepping on el bathroom scale?
Martin: What's the point? That thing's been ten pounds off for weeks.

Frasier: What was it like in the old days, when you actually had to get up to change the channel?
Martin: It was hell.

Frasier: I'm getting an estimate on restoring my study.
Martin: Why didn't you use Joe?
Frasier: I think Joe's done enough work in that room.

Martin: Boy, what a tortured little world you live in! Newspapers strewn all over the place! Sponge germs coming after you! It's a wonder you can sleep at night!


"Frasier: You Scratch My Book... (#2.15)" (1995)
Niles: Ooh, watching the sport of kings, I see. Which horse did you wager on?
Martin Crane: Joe's Dream, number eight.
Niles: Goodness, he seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race.

Niles: What are you all dressed up for? Hot date?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, yes.
Niles: With whom?
Martin Crane: Dr. Honey Snow.
Frasier: Did it ever occur to you that I might not want Niles to know who I'm dating?
Martin Crane: Sure it did. Right before I said it.

Daphne: I'm off to the Book Nook. Dr. Snow is signing copies of her new bestseller.
Martin Crane: Hey, wait a minute! You're going out? What about my whirlpool therapy?
Daphne: Oh, right. I forgot. Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station.
Frasier: I would sooner attend a hoedown.
Niles: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.

[first lines]
Martin Crane: [entering the apartment] Ahh, I still say when some guy grabs your parking space, you don't just sit there, you say something.
Frasier: Dad, when a man has no front teeth and stitches on his nose, I think it's safe to assume he's sensitive to criticism.


"Frasier: Space Quest (#1.2)" (1993)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad! Dad! I can't read my paper! Eddie keeps staring at me!
Martin Crane: Just ignore him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm trying to!
Martin Crane: I'm talking to the dog!

Martin Crane: [starting a timed discussion] So, how about those Seahawks?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [pings timer] No sports.
Martin Crane: Okay, no opera.

Martin Crane: You want to establish this great father-son relationship. Well, that kind of thing takes a couple of years, not a couple of days.
Dr. Frasier Crane: A couple of years, eh?
Martin Crane: Ah, it'll go by before you know it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.

Martin Crane: What do you say to a beer?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I'd love to have a beer with you, Dad.
Martin Crane: Well, then you'd better haul ass. The store closes in ten minutes.


"Frasier: Mixed Doubles (#4.6)" (1996)
Martin: What are the Sonics thinking last night? If you're two for fifteen from behind the arc, why do you still give it to your two-guard instead of jamming it down to your big man in the paint?
[pause]
Frasier: Eddie, I believe that question was directed at you.
Martin: [rolls his eyes] You know, if you took an interest in sports, I bet you'd end up enjoying it. It's got drama, it's got graceful stuff...
Frasier: Thank you, Dad, but frankly I'm quite satisfied with the likes of Pavorotti's "Pagliacci." You have your big man in the paint, I have mine.

Frasier: [answering the phone] Hello? Oh, just a second, please. Dad, is Daphne in her room?
Martin: Gee, I don't know.
[yelling]
Martin: DAPHNE! HEY, DAPH! DAPHNE!
Frasier: For God's sake, I can yell!
[into phone]
Frasier: Would you hold, please?
Martin: I've been waiting thirty years to do that.

Martin: [answering phone as Niles and Rodney mirror each other] Hello? Oh, I can't talk right now, Duke. I'm in the Twilight Zone!
[hangs up]

[Niles and Adelle drop by to pick up their opera tickets]
Frasier: Say, have you got time for a coffee before you go?
Adelle Childs: That'd be nice.
Frasier: Splendid! It'll give me a chance to debut my Limoges coffee set. Each cup bears a portrait of a different wife of Henry VIII. My antiques scout just found an Anne of Cleves to complete the set!
Martin: He loves to rub it in. I'm still looking for a Wilma to complete my juice glass set.


"Frasier: Hot Pursuit (#7.18)" (2000)
Frasier: You know, I guess I better get packing.
Martin: What're you talking about? You got your bags right there.
Frasier: No, Dad, these are my "Daddy" clothes. I have to go and pack my "Come to Daddy" clothes.

Niles: Belltown is sort of a sketchy neighborhood, wouldn't you say?
Martin: Oh, Niles, to you a sketchy neighborhood is when the cheese shop doesn't have valet parking.

Martin: What's this?
Niles: Clam chowder. I remember Mom used to make it for you when you went ice-fishing, and I hated the thought of you sitting out here cold and hungry.
[Martin opens the Thermos]
Martin: This is clam chowder.
Niles: Well, what'd you expect?
Martin: Irish whisky. Your mother always filled it with coffee and Irish whisky. We just called it clam chowder in front of you kids.
Niles: Is that why you got so mad that day I crumbled oyster crackers in your Thermos?

Niles: You know, speaking as a psychiatrist...
Martin: Oh, boy, open up a window.


"Frasier: Out with Dad (#7.15)" (2000)
Martin: [to his beer] Well, hello there. Will you be my Ballantine?

Martin: Yes, that was the day I came out. Lying in that alley, covered with blood, bullet in my hip and I said, "That's it. I'm gay, I like myself and I'm not living a lie anymore."

[Martin is pretending to be gay]
Frasier: So, Niles, actually, you missed a splendid evening at the opera.
Niles: Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel.
Martin: Oh, and who's Mel?
Niles: Damn you and your jealous questions! You don't own me.

Frasier: He goes too far!
Roz Doyle: Yeah, some nerve, ditching you to spend Valentine's Day with his girlfriend.
Martin: Look, Frasier, I don't blame you for being a little jealous because he's got someone and you don't...
Frasier: I am not jealous, Dad! I am simply appalled by his rudeness. I was looking forward to this evening. A nice drink, lovely opera, then a late supper... perhaps a beautiful bottle of wine... a delightful dessert souffle... oh, God, I need a woman.


"Frasier: Flour Child (#2.4)" (1994)
Martin: [Niles walks into the apartment carrying flour bag in his hands] What are you doing with that thing?
Niles: I am forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.
Martin: Oh that's a relief, I was afraid it might be something stupid.

[Niles is using a bag of flower as a baby in a parenthood exercise]
Niles: Turn him over if he starts fussing, will you, dad?
Martin: No.
Niles: I'm roleplaying, dad.
Martin: Try playing the role of a sane person.

Frasier: You know, my particular area of medicine is psychiatry. I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portions of the body. It's much less messy that way. Not that your lower portion is messy at all. It's quite beautiful, actually... not that I'm looking!
[Arlene screams in pain]
Frasier: Is the pain that bad?
Arlene: No, you're driving me crazy!
Niles: Don't drive her crazy.
Frasier: Oh, shut up!
Martin: [climbing out of the backseat and pulling Frasier out of the front] Move it out of there! Come on!
Frasier: All right, dad! All right! Just hurry up.
Arlene: What, are you a doctor, too?
Martin: No. I'm a retired cop.
Arlene: Well, what took you so long? Oh! It's really hurting!
Martin: I know. Look, everything's gonna be just fine, sweetheart. Now, I've delivered more than a... a few babies in my lifetime, and some of them are even older than you are now. Now, Frasier is gonna hold your hand and help you with your breathing, and Niles is gonna look out for an ambulance, and I'm gonna get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world, okay?
Arlene: Okay.
Martin: Good. Now, are there any questions?
Niles: Yes. Should our meter still be running?

Daphne: So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
Niles: [quickly] No, I haven't.
Daphne: Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone... delivering a baby in a taxi.
Niles: Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.
Frasier: Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
Martin: What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach. Next minute, it's a person. Blob...
[snaps his fingers]
Martin: ...person.
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.


"Frasier: The Late Dr. Crane (#7.8)" (1999)
[Frasier was mistakenly thought dead for a day]
Martin: Boy, everybody was so nice to me, buying me beers and everything. You know, because of the shock I went through thinking I'd lost my son.
Frasier: Dad, what are you talking about? You didn't think I was dead.
Martin: Well, people don't have to know that. I could have been at home alone, wondering where you were and I get this strange uneasy feeling so I turn on the TV, and there it is, on the screen: the face of my dead son.
Frasier: But I was sitting right beside you.
Martin: What kinda story is that?
Frasier: It's the truth.
Martin: Well, the truth doesn't put anything on a coaster.

Martin: Oh great, my kids are having plastic surgery. That's a nice age to get to.

Frasier: What, don't you think I can do any of these things?
Martin: No, I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Frasier. You always have.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: I just wonder about all these projects.
Frasier: Well, as I said, I am streamlining.
Martin: You know, I think what you discovered this week is that something's missing from your life. And before you start to fill it up with everything but the kitchen sink, I thought you ought to just ask yourself, "what do I really want? What is really going to make me happy... now?"
[pause]
Martin: Well, that's weird. I suddenly feel like having a beer.

Frasier: [referring to Mel] Well, she seems a bit much.
Martin: What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, dining on the terrace, you have to know the owner. Doesn't she remind you of someone?
Martin: Yeah, you.


"Frasier: Give Him the Chair! (#1.19)" (1994)
Martin: I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
Frasier: How about Florida?
Martin: I heard that.

Martin: [trying out his new massage chair for the first time] That's disgusting!

Martin: Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

Martin: Hey, Niles. What brings you by?
Niles: Maris's birthday, I'm hiding her present here.
Martin: Oh, it's getting that time of year, is it? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. It's too bad, I just got back from the hardware store. Saw a great-looking ratchet set.
Frasier: [sotto] As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.


"Frasier: Beware of Greeks (#5.16)" (1998)
Daphne Moon: How much longer do we have stay?
Martin Crane: What are you in such a snit about?
Daphne Moon: This lot. Thanks to your sister-in-law, they're all sniggering about me being your "physical therapist."
Martin Crane: Oh, don't let it bother you. She's always been a pain.
Daphne Moon: You're telling me. Dried-up old grape leaf!
Martin Crane: Yeah, and she's one to talk about reputations, too. Between you and me, before she married my brother, she was easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich.

Aunt Zora Crane: Who is this pretty young thing?
Martin Crane: Oh, this is Daphne Moon. She's my physical therapist.
Aunt Zora Crane: Oh... that's what they call it these days?
[slaps him playfully]
Aunt Zora Crane: You dirty old man!
[she moves off into the crowd, laughing, while Martin tries to calm Daphne]
Daphne Moon: I've never been so insulted...!

Dr. Niles Crane: It's a moot point. We're not invited, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.
Martin Crane: Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother and not see him for five years?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, but I'd like to give it a try.

[after Martin and Daphne have dissed Zora and Walt, Ed reveals that he hid his video camera nearby, pointing at them]
Ed: I wanted to capture the whole family, naturally, just as they are.
Martin Crane: Well... we were really boring! I mean, why don't you just rewind that a few minutes and then start over?
Ed: Funny, Mrs. Pappas said the same thing.


"Frasier: Momma Mia (#7.1)" (1999)
Niles: He's clearly the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the obvious Oedipal issues.
Martin: Argle, gargle, gooble, goop.
Niles: What?
Martin: Now you know how it feels. What are you talking about?

[Frasier's in a new relationship]
Martin: Oh yes, it seems to be getting serious, huh? You know, it's funny, you can always tell. He starts using French words for no reason.

Martin: [Frasier is dating a woman named Mia who is a dead ringer for his mother but doesn't see the resemblance. Marty has just met her and sees it immediately. Frasier and Mia leave the room. Marty says to Niles] God, she looks just like your mother!
Niles: I know and Frasier doesn't see it.
Martin: You're kidding!
Niles: And he has the gall to tell me I'm blind. He's obviously the one dealing with repressed material. Not to mention the obvious oedipal issues.
Martin: Argle gargle google goop.
Niles: What?
Martin: Now you know how it feels! What are you talking about?


"Frasier: The Guilt Trippers (#9.23)" (2002)
[Martin greets Frasier the morning after he slept with Roz]
Martin: You see the paper yet?
Frasier: Uh, no, I haven't.
Martin: Big story about how Roz's purse spent the night on the coffee table.

Frasier: [on Roz] You know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
Martin: Your naked body.
Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was going to say, "somebody that's betrayed her trust," but oh, dear God!

Martin: [smugly] How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England?
Gertrude Moon: How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry?
Martin: [biting his tongue] Have a good trip.
[Later, when Frasier, Niles, and Martin are driving home]
Martin: "I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the laundry basket AND my cane at the same time." That's what I should have said!


"Frasier: Death Becomes Him (#1.11)" (1993)
Martin: I remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot, you were about five or six.
Frasier: Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand.
Martin: Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your little drawers. When the nurse gave you the shot, you took your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas. Right then I knew you'd never be a cop.

Martin: Look son, let me tell you something. There was this time, a while back, seven or eight of us were on this drug bust. We get the order to go through the front door, and the first guy took one. He was dead before he hit the ground. When you're a cop, you've got to be able to handle things like that, but I... I just couldn't get over it. Every time I had to go in a blind alley, or in a dark building, I just froze. And I knew if I kept being afraid to die, I'd never be able to do my job.
Frasier: So what did you do?
Martin: I just forced myself to forget about it.
Frasier: Just like that?
Martin: Just like that. Next time I came across one of those doors, I went right through it... The fact that I got shot in the hip was purely coincidental.
Frasier: You were this close to helping me there, Dad.

Martin: This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.
Frasier: Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?
Martin: It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.
Niles: I don't want it.
Daphne: Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.


"Frasier: A Mid-Winter Night's Dream (#1.17)" (1994)
Daphne: I'm already exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love: I can't stop thinking about him, I can't eat and I bought meself all new underwear!
Martin: We gotta get her a girlfriend to talk to.

[Niles shows up at Frasier's house wearing a pirate costume, saying that Maris has kicked him out]
Niles: There's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed.
Frasier: All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.
Niles: Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.
Martin: Dressed like that?
Niles: Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-?
Frasier: STOP!

[Niles's romantic plans went awry when the maid discovered him waiting in the linen closet, nude]
Niles: I'll never be able to face the maid again.
Martin: I don't think it's your face she'll remember.
[he laughs, Niles glares]
Martin: Oh come on, Niles, everybody has an embarrassing story to tell. Did I ever tell you about the time I got locked outside in the backyard in my underwear?
Niles: Only every Thanksgiving.
Martin: Well, don't worry, I won't be telling that story this year!


"Frasier: How to Bury a Millionaire (#6.7)" (1998)
[Martin is lost wandering around Niles's apartment]
Martin Crane: Niles, there's no door here, just a third bookshelf.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, it's all right. The bookshelf is actually a secret passage.
Martin Crane: How do I get through?
Dr. Niles Crane: Just poke Mrs. Dalloway on the bottom.
Martin Crane: What?

Dr. Niles Crane: Get me out of this hellhole!
Martin Crane: What did I say?
Dr. Niles Crane: I can't live this charade! I have tried, it's taking too much out of me!
Martin Crane: Now, Niles, this place is fine. Just remember the old saying: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Dr. Niles Crane: But, Dad, not everyone makes it into that second group!

Dr. Niles Crane: All right, that's it, enough is enough!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, who are you calling?
Dr. Niles Crane: I am calling Maris! I'm going to beg her to take me back!
Martin Crane: You don't want to do that!
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, yes, I do! Life with Maris wasn't so bad! It was my fault! I was too rigid! I was always making demands!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"


"Frasier: Breaking the Ice (#2.20)" (1995)
Martin Crane: Frasier... I love you. Niles... I love you.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. I love you, too.
Niles: And I love you, too.
[silence]
Niles: But I *hate* ice fishing!
Martin Crane: Well, it's the last time you'll have to come out and do that.
Niles: Oh, in that case I *really* love you!

Niles: That was amazing! I've never felt so in touch with nature.
Martin Crane: What happened?
Niles: For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors! Another cup of coffee, I'll go back and dot the "i".

Daphne Moon: Don't you ever clean that thing out?
Martin Crane: No, it's bad luck. Everybody knows that. You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box that doesn't smell like the most rancid, rotten thing on the face of the earth, then nobody will sit by you.
Frasier: [entering the apartment with Niles] Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality patients. They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check.
Niles: [sniffing] What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.


"Frasier: The Three Faces of Frasier (#7.21)" (2000)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, suffice it to say, the entire Crane family is now banned from Stefano's.
Martin Crane: Just because of that dumb picture?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, actually, there was a little incident involving Niles, too. He was doing just fine until Stefano took him in some sort of a bear hug and shook him a little too vigorously.
Martin Crane: On the shoes again?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, this time there was a conveniently-placed lobster tank.
Martin Crane: Poor Niles.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yeah, it wasn't any picnic for the lobsters either.

Dr. Frasier Crane: What the hell is wrong with me, Dad? You know, I got so obsessed with that damn picture I completely lost my head!
Martin Crane: Well, I think I know what's really going on here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really? Well, enlighten us.
Martin Crane: Well, I think there's some stuff in your life that you can't control: the doctor tells you you're getting old, your ratings are low, you're not happy with your love life. And so I think you obsessed about this picture because you figured it was something in your life that you could control.
[pause]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Dad, you do raise a point.
[Martin looks at him expectantly]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, what the hell, you're dead on. Where did you learn so much about psychology?
Martin Crane: Oh, I listen to radio.

Martin Crane: So they gave you a big forehead. It makes you look smart.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It makes me look like I discovered fire!


"Frasier: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street (#1.12)" (1993)
Daphne: I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Francisco to be with him.
Martin: Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year, it's more traditional.
Daphne: Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth for it too, if you ask me. Last Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.

Frasier: [his father is hanging up a fake wreath] Dad, what are you doing with that?
Martin: I'm going to hang it on the door like I always do.
Frasier: But Dad... it's plastic!
Martin: Of course it's plastic! Do you think a real one would have lasted since 1967?

[Martin and Frasier are arguing over the Christmas decorations. Frasier wants to decorate the Christmas tree using lights shaped like chili peppers]
Martin: Oh, I give up. Go ahead, decorate the thing. Use your chili peppers!
Frasier: All right, I won't anymore!
Martin: Use 'em! Why don't... maybe we could hang a few radishes, put a nice broccoli on top!


"Frasier: You Can't Tell a Crook by His Cover (#1.15)" (1994)
Frasier: Don't you believe in second chances?
Martin: I did. Then we had Niles.

Daphne Moon: Someone here is long overdue for a...
Martin: Hey! Don't you say that word.
Daphne Moon: What word?
Martin: B-A-T-H.
[Eddie runs away]
Frasier: When he yawns, it may smell like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving.

Martin: [Frasier is trying to guess which one of Martin's poker buddies spent time in jail] Wow, Frasier, I may have underestimated you.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah. You're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought.


"Frasier: Seat of Power (#2.11)" (1994)
Martin Crane: Got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch.
Frasier: I am not.
Martin Crane: Well, he never begs when I'm eating.
Frasier: Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
Martin Crane: Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle.

[last lines]
Martin Crane: [flushing toilet] Well, there she goes. Good as new.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Can I buy you a beer?
Martin Crane: Oh yeah, sounds good. Come on, Eddie.
[as they leave, Eddie starts drinking out of the toilet]
Martin Crane: Oh, for God's sake Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet. Some guy just had his head in there!
[He and Frasier laugh]

Daphne Moon: Eddie, let's go for another walk!
Martin Crane: I thought you already walked him this morning?
Daphne Moon: I did, twice.
Martin Crane: He's gotta go again?
Daphne Moon: No, actually I do!
[Martin and Frasier look askance]
Daphne Moon: That didn't sound right. There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. Come on, Eddie!
[she tugs on his leash, Eddie doesn't move]
Daphne Moon: He's just playing hard to get.
Frasier: I'm glad somebody is.


"Frasier: When a Man Loves Two Women (#6.21)" (1999)
Frasier: Say, Dad, you remember that woman I went out with on Valentine's Day but I wasn't quite sure if it was a romantic thing?
Martin Crane: Yeah, that new publicity woman at the station.
Frasier: Yes, Cassandra Stone. Well, I asked her out again last night and I got my answer.
Martin Crane: Oh, I'm sorry, Fras'.
Frasier: No, I'm not finished!
Martin Crane: That's the spirit. You hang in there.
Daphne Moon: You know, Dr. Crane, someone once said that long periods of abstinence can actually refresh the soul.
Cassandra Stone: [Cassandra enters in a blue robe] Morning, everyone!
Frasier: Yes. Well, that someone was me and I was full of it!

Frasier: Oh, morning, Dad.
Martin Crane: Everything go alright with Faye last night? She didn't take the breakup too hard, did she?
Frasier: Not really.
Martin Crane: Well, I'm sure she realizes, pretty as she is, that she won't be alone for long.
Faye Moskowitz: [Faye enters in the blue robe] Good morning, Martin!
Martin Crane: What'd I tell you?

Frasier: Oh, good morning.
Daphne Moon: Morning.
Martin Crane: I didn't hear you come in last night. You have a date?
Daphne Moon: [Frasier comes back from the kitchen holding up two mugs] Well, I guess that answers that.
Martin Crane: Well, ease up there, Cassandra's a great gal - women like her don't come along every day.
Faye Moskowitz: [Faye enters, wearing the same blue robe Cassandra wore the previous day] Morning!
Daphne Moon: No, they certainly don't!


"Frasier: The Return of Martin Crane (#9.4)" (2001)
Dr. Niles Crane: [flashback; Maris' car has been booted] Dad, Maris is very upset. And so am I. I can't believe you booted her.
Martin Crane: Hey, I wouldn't be upset if you booted her.
[Martin and Frank laugh, slapping hands under the table]

Frank: You booted a car just to irritate your kid? Hell, that's a lot of trouble.
Martin Crane: No, the real trouble was getting four guys to pick it up and move it closer to the hydrant.

Dr. Niles Crane: Hey, Frasier, uh, if you're interested, I have two tickets to tonight's throat singing concert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Don't toy with me, Niles.
Martin Crane: What the hell is throat singing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, dad, it's an extraordinary technique where a single vocalist can actually produce two distinct tones simultaneously, allowing him to harmonize with himself.
Martin Crane: Kind of like the Everly Brothers?
Dr. Frasier Crane: If they shared a throat and came from Mongolia, yes.


"Frasier: An Affair to Forget (#2.21)" (1995)
Martin: Maris is learning German, huh? Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier...

Niles: So, you want to build a two-master schooner...
Daphne Moon: Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.
Niles: No, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
Daphne Moon: No, no, that's a brigantine.
Niles: Oh, you're right. Well, then what's a frigate?
Martin: That's when you just don't give a damn anymore!
[leaves]

[Martin and Niles are building a model sailing ship]
Daphne Moon: Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?
Martin: No kidding.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, from what we can tell, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted...
[Niles snaps the mast he's holding in two, sending the pieces flying over the table]
Niles: So you want to build a two-masted schooner...


"Frasier: The Unkindest Cut of All (#2.2)" (1994)
Frasier: You know Dad, I've just developed a very interesting theory about you...
Martin Crane: [sarcastic] If I begged you, would you share it with me?

Frasier: Slowly, over the years, your responsibilities have been taken away from you, and you, well, you feel symbolically castrated.
Martin Crane: Oh, why does everything with you shrinks start in the crotch?

Martin Crane: We used to think there had been some mix-up at the hospital. Of course when Niles came along that shot that theory all to hell.


"Frasier: Death and the Dog (#4.12)" (1997)
[talking about death]
Martin: You think about that too? I thought it was just me.
Frasier: Everybody thinks about it.
Martin: Do you lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground?
Frasier: No, that's just you.

Frasier: [a doggie shrink has come to examine depressed Eddie] I don't whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in company of colleages.
Niles: I'm sorry, did you say 'colleages' or 'Collies?'
[Niles and Frasier laugh]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: [gives them a snide look] Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin?
[to Eddie]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Hello, Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad, too. We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.
Frasier: If you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven!
[He and Niles laugh again]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.
Frasier: I apologize; it all just seems a bit silly.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Silly? I have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons McFarlen whose owners felt the same way.
[Niles and Frasier stifle snickers and Martin waves his cane at them]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed. My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if you were a human being.
Frasier: Oh boy!
Niles: Here we go!
Daphne Moon: [whisper to boys:] Shush, this isn't a joke! This is very serious.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?
Martin: I'd say meatloaf. Not the plain kind, but the one with the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.
Niles: It might be a bit underdone though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.
[He and Frasier laugh]
Daphne Moon: Poached salmon... I don't know why!
Dr. Arnold Shaw: Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?
Frasier: Well, I should hope: 'Give me a breath mint!'
[laughs]
Frasier: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one.
Dr. Arnold Shaw: What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?
Martin: Rock Revelver... It's a little strong but I think he can pull it off.
Daphne Moon: Grey Flannel... I don't know why!
Frasier: Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water!
Niles: By the way, same answer for favorite beverage!
[He and Frasier laugh loudly and high-five each other]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?
Dr. Arnold Shaw: The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn about all of you and might I say...
[glares at the brothers]
Dr. Arnold Shaw: mission accomplished!

Martin: [Waiting for the doggie shrink] What's keeping this guy? He should have been here be now.
Frasier: Perhaps he's being detained by his "Fear of Fetching" group.


"Frasier: The Apparent Trap (#7.9)" (1999)
Martin: Is it that you can't learn or you won't learn?

Martin: Has the witch gone yet?
Frasier: Lilith's still here, dad.
Martin: Oh, in that case, I'll ask you too, Lilith. Has my twitch gone yet? I had some very strong coffee this morning and...
Lilith: Skillfully done, Martin.

[Frasier is worried that Lilith is coming on to him]
Frasier: Tell you what, Dad. Take a minute and then come back in. See what you think's going on in there and then find some subtle way to tell me what you think.
Martin: All right, okay. Just give me a minute.
[a few minutes later, Martin re-enters the apartment]
Martin: Oh, excuse me again, I just came back to get an umbrella in case it rains. But I hope it doesn't, because Eddie's just dying to play this new game I taught him. I take off his leash and I say, "Run for your life!" Yep, that's exactly what I say, "Run for your life!"
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: Okay.
[starts to leave, then]
Martin: Run for your life!


"Frasier: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (#3.21)" (1996)
Daphne: Who's staying all weekend?
Niles: Bebe Glazer.
Martin: [worried] Here?
Martin: [worried] What does she have to stay here for?
Frasier: She's trying to quit smoking.
Martin: [sarcastic] Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.

Bebe: After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier: This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier: No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?
Martin: Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!
Niles: There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe: It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!
Frasier: What is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe: Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!
[Begins displaying innuendo]
Bebe: I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!
[Frasier raises his eyebrow]
Bebe: Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!
Daphne: [Visibly aroused, as are the others] More potatoes, anyone?

[Bebe's wedding with an elderly millionaire was canceled]
Martin: What went wrong?
Frasier: Well, they were halfway down the aisle - Big Willy beaming proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm - when suddenly he clutched his heart, and his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder. Of course we were all concerned at first, but then suddenly it seemed like he was all right because they kept moving on down the aisle. But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little biceps bulging through her wedding gown, and I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet. Well, once they got up to the minister the jig was pretty well up, despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck. You know, I've never seen a woman more crushed.


"Frasier: Look Before You Leap (#3.16)" (1996)
Martin: [talking about a plane crash] The last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the aisle comes barreling down the chute after me like a polyester avalanche!

Frasier: As a matter of fact, this day only comes around once every four years. Hmm... You know, it's like a free day - a gift. We should do something special - be bold. It's leap year - take a leap!
Martin: You know, I was just about to say the same thing to you.

[after Niles mentioned his and Maris' tryst]
Martin: You know, Niles, remember when you were a kid and your mother and I wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis in front of you because we knew it'd give you bad dreams?
Niles: Yes.
Martin: It's a two-way street.


"Frasier: Decoys (#6.16)" (1999)
Martin Crane: I'll bring a quart of whiskey in case of snakebite.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, Dad, there are no snakes up there.
Martin Crane: All right, I'll bring a snake!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, the butcher shop was closed, so here I am with all my spices, everything I need to make my duck a l'orange - all I've got's the l'orange!
Martin Crane: [noticing the rack of shotguns by the door] Well, looks like we're going to have get our ducks the old-fashioned way! But we better get a move on, there's only a couple hours of daylight left.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, you know, I saw some boxs of ammo in the mud room, Dad, through the kitchen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you insane? I'm not going to shoot any ducks; it's barbaric!
Martin Crane: Oh, I get it! You'll eat them but you won't kill them. What do you think, these things are born "a l'orange?"

Martin Crane: [telling Roz about Niles's crush on Daphne] Six years, can you believe it? Some people just don't even know when it's time to pull the plug.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, I won't make that mistake twice!


"Frasier: Travels with Martin (#1.21)" (1994)
[on a Winnebago vacation]
Martin: Remember the old days, Niles? When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar!
Frasier: Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise since.
Niles: Or speed bumps.

Niles: I'm sorry Frasier, I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name he would ever want to do something like this! All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word. I'm not going.
Martin: Hey, great news! Daphne's coming, too!
Niles: And so am I!

Martin: You know, Fras, I gotta admit it. Sometimes when we're alone together, I just don't know what to say. I'm sure you figured out that's why I invited Daphne along.
Frasier: Well, I had my suspicions, but I'd hoped I was wrong...
Martin: Oh, come on, that's why you invited Niles along.
Frasier: [re: Daphne] Well, that's why I invited him, but that's not why he came.
[they laugh]


"Frasier: I Hate Frasier Crane (#1.4)" (1993)
[Daphne has a psychic flash when she picks up photos from Martin's unsolved murder]
Daphne: I see a man.
Martin: Yeah?
Daphne: A well-dressed man. He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat.
Martin: Yeah? Yeah?
Daphne: He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the door...
[Frasier enters wearing wing tips and a trench coat]
Frasier: Hello, everyone.
Daphne: Sometimes I get my signals crossed.
Frasier: What's going on?
Martin: Well, unless you killed a hooker when you were twelve, nothing much.

Frasier: [Eddie stares at him] Must he stare at me all day?
Martin: I don't know, I'll ask him. Eddie, must you?
[Eddie keeps staring]
Martin: Apparently, he must.

Daphne: [having a psychic flash about woman in Martin's case] She had a lot of men in her life, didn't she?
Martin: No kidding. She was a hooker.


"Frasier: To Tell the Truth (#6.15)" (1999)
Martin: [trying to convince Frasier to lie about Niles' feelings for Daphne in his divorce proceedings] You're really not going to go down there tomorrow and blow it for him, are you?
Frasier: Dad, there is nothing more I'd like to do than to help my brother. But I would like to find a way to do it without violating my ethics!
Martin: But Maris is responsible for this divorce! Niles's feelings for Daphne has nothing to do with it! Now, if you cover for Niles you won't be doing anything wrong.
Frasier: Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable?
Martin: Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth...
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake!
Martin: And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?
Frasier: Who am I lying to, the comet?
Martin: Oh, just answer the question!
Frasier: All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases...
Martin: So, then you'd lie?
Frasier: To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!

Martin: One time when I was on the force, I saw a guy shoot somebody. When we caught him, I started to read him his rights, but he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me, so I didn't get a chance to finish. Two months later, I'm on the stand and his lawyer asks me if I read him his rights in full. Now, if I say no, this guy walks, and this guy has been in and out of jail all his life. He could have read ME his rights. So I say "Yes, I did. I read 'em in full." I lied under oath. Now, you might think that I did an unethical thing, but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

Frasier: Do you really want to see me lying under oath?
Martin: Well, it's better than seeing your brother lying under a piano.
Frasier: You know, I can't believe you're being so casual about this. Do you realize you're asking me to do something completely unethical?
Martin: Oh, for God's sake, nobody's even gonna know!
Frasier: Yes, but that's the point! Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking. For heaven's sake, I learned that from you.


"Frasier: Frasier-Lite (#11.12)" (2004)
Dr. Frasier Crane: The sign said "F Hockey." I assumed it meant "Freshman Hockey."
Martin Crane: The little plaid skirt didn't tip you off?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I thought it was a kilt!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Is that bird nesting in my cashmere scarf?
Martin Crane: Yeah, we tried a whole bunch of them and that's the one he likes best.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, that's it! I want that sky rat out of here!
Martin Crane: Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed. The bird's like his pet.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Eddie *is* a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet.

Martin Crane: [a pigeon flies into Frasier's window] Are you happy? You killed Eddie's friend. Poor little guy
[pause]
Martin Crane: Now what should we do? Just kick him over the edge?


"Frasier: The Seal Who Came to Dinner (#6.8)" (1998)
Daphne Moon: You dirty old man! Flirting with a girl her age!
Martin Crane: Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
Daphne Moon: Yeah, she looked once and it was over. You've never acted this silly with any of my other girl friends. What's so special about Pam?
Martin Crane: Oh, nothing. She's just young and friendly, and... she reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.
Daphne Moon: What, you mean Korea? Mr. Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force.

Martin Crane: Hey, the gals in Pyong Chang used to think I was pretty damn cute.
Daphne Moon: Yeah well, this is a bit different. You're not twenty-one and her village hasn't just burned down.

Martin Crane: Isn't that breaking and entering?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh pish, it can't be a crime if it's catered.


"Frasier: Fathers and Sons (#10.22)" (2003)
Leland Barton: [Martin is ready to ask Leland if he and his late wife had an affair] I loved her very much.
Martin Crane: The question is HOW much?
Leland Barton: Enough to confide in her that I'm gay.
[Martin breaks into a smile]

Martin Crane: [closing the door and seeing Frasier and Niles at the piano - he smiles] My boys!
[Frasier and Niles begin to sing]
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: On a tree by a river a little tom-tit Sang willow, tit willow, tit willow...
[Martin's smile fades, he rolls his eyes and heads to his chair - tossing his cane en route to his chair]

Dr. Frasier Crane: [singing] I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical. From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.
Dr. Niles Crane: [singing] I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical.
Leland Barton: [singing] About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane, Leland Barton: [singing] With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
Martin Crane: [singing] With many awful facts about the scary hippopotamus.


"Frasier: Boo! (#11.16)" (2004)
Martin Crane: Give me a top hat and cane, and I'm Fred Astaire.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Add a monocle, and he's Mr. Peanut.

Dr. Niles Crane: [doorbell rings] That'll be Daphne.
Martin Crane: She's not cooking, is she? I just got out of the hospital!


"Frasier: Something About Dr. Mary (#7.16)" (2000)
[Niles takes up kickboxing]
Niles: You know, it requires a lot of talent. You have to have timing and balance, the ability to strike and instantly retreat.
Martin: So you kick them and then run away?
Niles: Yes. My instructor says I'm a natural.

[Niles helps out after Daphne sprains her wrist]
Niles: Oh, I'll get your beer, I'm just frosting the mug in the freezer the way Daphne does.
Daphne: I never frost your beer mug.
Martin: Oh, be quiet, will you? He's feeling very guilty and we have to help him work through it.
Daphne: That is just baloney, and you know it. Shame on you, taking advantage of your son, I don't know how you sleep at night.
Martin: Well, pretty good since he started putting a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed.
Daphne: He never leaves me cocoa.
Martin: You have to fill out that little card.


"Frasier: Agents in America: Part 3 (#2.22)" (1995)
Martin: Well, I think I'm going to hit the hay too.
Bebe: That's awfully risky of you, isn't it? Leaving us "kids" out here unchaperoned.
Martin: Better him than me.

Martin: [Martin comes in, sees Frasier and peels open one of his eyelids. Frasier starts awake] Sorry, Eddie, he's still alive. You're not gonna get your own room after all.
Frasier: Ohhh, God.
Martin: How're you feeling?
Frasier: How do I look?
Martin: Last time I saw a guy who looked like you, he'd been in the trunk of a car at the airport for a month.


"Frasier: It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave (#3.10)" (1996)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm having fantasies about her all the time.
Martin Crane: Well there's nothing wrong with that. You know, when I first met your mother she was so upbeat and bouncy I used to fantasize about her wearing a skimpy little cheerleader's outfit, shaking her pom-poms...
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: Dad!
Martin Crane: Grow up, you two! I'm just saying it's perfectly natural. I can't tell you the number of times I was on a stake-out in the cold, picturing your mother in front of a warm fire wearing nothing but a...
Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: DAD!
Martin Crane: Oh, I'm sorry. One day your mother and I went on a church picnic and the two of you came floating down the river in little wicker baskets!

Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, you sounded lonely, so I rented some movies.
Martin Crane: Oh, didn't you know? The VCR's broken.
Dr. Niles Crane: No subtitles this time.
Martin Crane: Oh, that's right, I got it fixed. What did you bring?
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, I have "The Way We Were" and a classic - "Casablanca"
Daphne Moon: Oh, I just love that movie. Is there any more heartbreaking moment in all of film than when Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman to get on that plane with Victor Laszlo even though Bogey loves her? What an ending.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, there goes my need to finally see that one.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hmm. He cares deeply for her and yet he lets her go. I wonder why Bogey did that?
Dr. Niles Crane: Why don't we put the movie in and find out?
Daphne Moon: Because Laszlo needed her by his side to fight the Nazis.
Martin Crane: Oh, forget the Nazis. No man in his right mind would give up Ingrid Bergman.
Daphne Moon: Oh, sure - sacrifice the entire free world for a little Swedish meatball.


"Frasier: Head Game (#4.5)" (1996)
[Niles, Martin, and Daphne go to a basketball game]
Martin: Wow. Right on the hardwood, five feet from the baseline.
[Niles chuckles, then turns to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like front row orchestra, stage right.
Martin: Man, we're so close we're gonna get our teeth rattled when they center-pick.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like sitting close enough to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.
[the buzzer goes]
Niles: What the hell was that?
Martin: That's the end of the shooter round. The coach is about to send the starting five in for the tip-off.
[Niles turns to Daphne]
Daphne: The stage manager just called places.

Daphne: Oh isn't this nice? Dr Crane sent us a post card from Aspen.
Martin: Great. How's he doin?
Daphne: Lets see. I delivered a speech at the conference last night. I was especially pleased with my opening line. 'My fellow psychiatrists: As I watched you on the slopes today, I realized I'd never seen so many Freudians slip.'


"Frasier: Leapin' Lizards (#3.4)" (1995)
[Frasier's phone rings. Bulldog is calling from his show, using a snooty voice]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hello, this is Dr. Julius Erving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane. His receptionist said he might be there.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado".
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, perhaps I can help, I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane and as luck would have it, I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my "Yum-Yum!"
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, let me see. Of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but, um...
[high-pitched voice]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a schoolgirl well well be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"
[Martin enters with his radio, laughing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here!
Martin: You sure are. Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air!
[laughs]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [normal voice] Sayonara, Doc!

Martin: You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force. The day they replaced my bullet proof vest with a big lacey bra, I knew I was one of the guys.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a nagging question for me concerning the night you were shot!


"Frasier: The Kid (#5.4)" (1997)
Frasier: Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
Martin Crane: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some foundation garments.
Frasier: I think they call them "bras" now.
Martin Crane: Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.

[Martin emerges from the men's room at Cafe Nervosa]
Martin Crane: Boy, I can't stand these yuppie joints. Some bozo went through the bathroom, correcting all the grammar in the graffiti with a red pen.
Frasier: Yes, I noticed.
Martin Crane: I mean, who'd have that much time on his hands?
Frasier: Unbelievable!
Martin Crane: It was Niles, wasn't it?
Frasier: I'll talk to him again.


"Frasier: Sleeping with the Enemy (#3.6)" (1995)
[Martin answers the door to Niles, a nervous wreck]
Martin Crane: Hey, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Maris found a gray hair.
Martin Crane: Daphne, get Niles a brandy.
Dr. Niles Crane: It was right at the apex of her widow's peak.
Martin Crane: Better bring the bottle!
Dr. Niles Crane: She blames me, Dad. She said it's from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was getting undressed.

Martin Crane: Who made the first move? You or her?
Frasier: There was no first move. It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion.
Martin Crane: There's always a first move. Think.
Frasier: Allright. I was standing in front of her desk like so. She was facing me... Niles, you be Kate.
Dr. Niles Crane: I will not.
Frasier: Look, just stand up.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm *always* the girl! In every prep school play I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie. Well, no more, I'm through with it! When do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo'?


"Frasier: Kisses Sweeter Than Wine (#3.5)" (1995)
Martin: Jeez, I though you were just going to slit your wrists. It looks like you went for death by a thousand cuts.
Frasier: I cut myself because I was shaving without water. And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor, which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes, who called for Cecil, who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built.

Frasier: Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room until after the tasting?
Martin: Forget it. You might as well ask me to stay in my room.
Niles: Which takes care of the second favour.


"Frasier: Good Samaritan (#6.11)" (1999)
[Frasier is being bailed out after being arrested for soliciting a prostitute]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, you don't understand. All that happened was...
Crystal: [obviously a man] Bye, Dr. Crane, sorry I got you arrested.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, that's all right, Crystal, these things happen.
[turns to Martin and Niles]
Dr. Frasier Crane: He had a wig on!
Martin Crane: You're my son and I love you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, will you stop saying that?

[before Frederick's birthday party, Niles is dipping balloons into a glass of water, then twirling them in the air to dry]
Martin Crane: Should I even ask?
Dr. Niles Crane: These balloons come in an unsealed package, covered in some mysterious dust, straight from some southeast Asian sweatshop. Doesn't that worry you?
Martin Crane: Oh, you bet it does. I remember back in Korea, we'd crouch in our foxholes, scared to death those bastards were gonna drop balloons on us.


"Frasier: The Show Where Sam Shows Up (#2.16)" (1995)
[correcting a continuity error from Cheers]
Martin: [about Frasier] Hey, Sam, what'd he tell you about me, the father, the old cop?
Sam Malone: Well, uh, he told me you were dead.
Martin: [surprised] Dead?
Frasier: Well, we had an argument one day. He called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam Malone: [to Martin] You were a cop?
[to Frasier]
Sam Malone: You told me he was a research scientist.
[Martin reacts]
Frasier: [to Martin] You were dead! What did it matter?

Daphne Moon: I don't understand this American obsession with sports figures. They're all so superficial.
Martin: Yeah, it's not like they do anything real important, like sit on a throne or christen ships.


"Frasier: High Crane Drifter (#3.17)" (1996)
Frasier: Look, Dad, would you mind terribly if I used the TV tonight? I went to three video stores to get this tape. I'm just dying to see it.
Martin Crane: [who's been watching a "funniest home videos" show] Sure, go ahead. How many times can you watch a dog get hit with a swinging door?
Frasier: [eyeing Eddie] Depends on the dog.

[while Frasier's upstairs neighbor is playing loud rock music]
Martin Crane: I'm gonna take a nap.
Frasier: Dad, you can't possibly expect to sleep in this racket.
Martin Crane: Are you kidding? I've slept through worse than this. In Korea I dropped off in a foxhole right outside P'Anmunjom. By the time I woke up the cease-fire was over and I was the only one who didn't know about it. Talk about having egg on your face.


"Frasier: Shutout in Seattle: Part 2 (#6.24)" (1999)
[as Frasier and Niles discuss their romantic failures]
Martin Crane: Jeez, how do you guys get up in the morning? You want to go into deep analysis? Listen to me, I'm your father. There's nothing wrong with either one of you.
[to Frasier]
Martin Crane: You dump a woman but you can't get her off your mind, so you end up getting dumped by the other one. And you should have stayed with the first one anyway, she was hotter.
[to Niles]
Martin Crane: And you, you're just learning how to date. I mean, it would have been nice if it had happened twenty-five years ago, but you play the cards you're dealt. Me? I like Bonnie, Bonnie's dog humps Eddie, I don't like Bonnie anymore. It doesn't mean I have "issues with women," it's just life, you know? Good stuff happens and bad stuff happens, that's all. You've just gotta look on the bright side. It's like that old song, "You Gotta Accentuate the Positive."

Martin Crane: [Frasier has found Daphne's engagement ring] Well, you sure saved Daphne there.
Frasier: Yes, and I also did myself a little favor as well. Can you imagine what conclusions Faye might have jumped to had she found this engagement ring in my room?
Faye Moskowitz: [Faye comes in and sees the ring] Oh, Frasier, for me? I had no idea!
Frasier: Well, actually, uh...
Faye Moskowitz: [grabbing the ring] It's beautiful! It's so beautiful! Yes, Frasier, I do! I do!
[she gives him a big kiss; he gropes for words to explain]
Faye Moskowitz: Oh, calm down, you big dope. I know it's Daphne's ring.
[she hits him playfully as Martin laughs]
Faye Moskowitz: And, uh, I can't tell you how flattered I am by those beads of sweat on your forehead.
Frasier: Well, they're love beads, honey!


"Frasier: A Lilith Thanksgiving (#4.7)" (1996)
Martin: What's wrong?
Niles: Oh, just a little depressed. It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris.
Martin: Oh, yeah, I know, son. It's hard.
Niles: Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more! Then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.

Niles: Oh, by the way, what time tomorrow are Frederick and Lilith flying in?
Martin: Her broom touches down at eleven.


"Frasier: Halloween (#5.3)" (1997)
[Gil and Martin are snacking at the Halloween party]
Gil Chesterson: Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.
Martin: [picks up a cheese cube and eats it] Mmm... cheesy.
Gil Chesterson: Mmm, yes, "cheesy." Le mot juste. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
Martin: Yep. So who are you supposed to be?
Gil Chesterson: Chingachgook. I'm the last of the Mohicans.
Martin: Oh... Well... that little mystery solved.

Gil Chesterton: Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.
Martin: Mmm, cheesy.
Gil Chesterton: Mmm, yes, "cheesy." *Le mot juste*. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
Martin: Yep.


"Frasier: Frasier's Edge (#8.9)" (2001)
Martin Crane: [to Frasier obsessing about note from professor] Frasier, it's just a note.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know, dad.
Martin Crane: It doesn't mean anything.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know, dad.
Martin Crane: Say hi to Dr. Tewksbury for me.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Okay, dad.

Kenny Daly: Frasier's up next, and he's not here yet. What'll we do?
Martin Crane: Stall.
Kenny Daly: Stall... Stall!
Dr. Niles Crane: Like that.


"Frasier: Proxy Prexy (#10.3)" (2002)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now I think I should still run against you.
Martin Crane: Why?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, if I drop out just as you announce your candidacy, people might suspect something's up. It's better that our political legerdemain remain sub rosa, hmm? How would a normal person say that, Dad?
Martin Crane: No one needs to know how the hot dogs are made.
Dr. Frasier Crane: This is going to be sweet.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't think you have the skills for this job.
Martin Crane: I have something better: people skills.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So do I, but these boobs and nincompoops are too stupid to see it!


"Frasier: The Show Where Diane Comes Back (#3.14)" (1996)
Martin Crane: Listen, it's none of my business, but you're not falling for her again, are you?
Frasier: What if I were?
Martin Crane: That woman dumped you at the altar.
Frasier: Oh, that was the old Diane. She no longer sees herself as the center of the universe. And I'm not the old Frasier, either. People can change, Dad.
Martin Crane: Yeah, I suppose you're right. Take me for instance. The old Martin would have said "you're out of your mind. I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk who shot me than go off with her. I'd rather see you sewed up inside the body of a dead horse." But the new Martin just says "vivee a l'amour."
Frasier: The new Frasier resists the temptation to correct your French.

Diane Chambers: So there I was on the balcony of my Malibu beach house when a pod of whales passed by. I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash I was on the beach scrambling to my kayak. But cruel fortune interceded when not twenty yards offshore I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of, of, um...
Niles: Sea kelp.
Diane Chambers: Exactly right. Sea kelp.
Martin Crane: Oh ho, that's funny. I thought he said "Seek help."


"Frasier: Whine Club (#7.17)" (2000)
Clare: Marty, we have no reason to be uncomfortable. We're two consenting adults.
Martin: What about your husband? He never consented.
Clare: Stan loved you, Martin, and he loved me. If anything, he's up in heaven right now, watching us and smiling.
Martin: You don't think he was watching the whole time do you?
Clare: Not if heaven gets ESPN.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Martin talk about his relation with Clare] So, you're going to see her again?
Martin: Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're not still feeling guilty, are you?
Martin: No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, well, I have a theory.
Martin: Geez!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.
Martin: Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off!
Daphne Moon: Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski?
Martin: [being sarcastic] Yes, I did, isn't that adorable?
Daphne Moon: No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.
Martin: You think that was wrong?
Daphne Moon: You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed.
Martin: See, I told you, Frasier.
Daphne Moon: We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by.
[getting carried away and confused]
Daphne Moon: We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne?
Daphne Moon: Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are.
[Daphne leaves to her room]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boy that was strange, wasn't it?
Martin: I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me!
[Martin gets up and gets his coat]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Where the hell are you going?
Martin: Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do!


"Frasier: To Thine Old Self Be True (#7.20)" (2000)
Frasier: Oh, er, Dad...
Martin Crane: It's not here yet.
Frasier: How did you even...
Martin Crane: You've been yakking about it for weeks. Your new blazer's coming. It's Italian, it's hand-stitched, it cost more money than my first car.
Frasier: Yes, well, it's made from very expensive material. They have to find exactly the right kind of goat.
Martin Crane: Looks like they did!

Martin Crane: Niles, guess what your brother's doing?
Dr. Niles Crane: Pressing his new blazer?
Martin Crane: Yeah, against a stripper!


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 2 (#2.9)" (1994)
Dr. Niles Crane: Maris will be thrilled you're coming to see her tonight in the ballet.
Daphne Moon: Oh, we're delighted.
Martin Crane: [grumbles unenthusiastically]
Daphne Moon: You know, when I was younger, I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.
Dr. Niles Crane: So did Maris. Poor thing could never get weight up enough.

Frasier: Everyone, we have some very happy news: Lilith is going to be married again.
Martin Crane: [hesitantly] To who?
Frasier: Someone else.
Martin Crane: [tosses aside his cane and rushes across the room to Lilith] Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Wonderful!


"Frasier: Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye (#2.5)" (1994)
Daphne: If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family!
Frasier: Good one, Dad!
Martin: I've been saving it!

Frasier: Hi Dad, what are you doing up?
Martin: I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there.
Frasier: You need a woman, Dad.


"Frasier: Trophy Girlfriend (#10.15)" (2003)
[Frasier and Chelsea bring home a trophy]
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Niles] But I don't want you moping around here if your brother wins one and you don't.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh please, Dad, I'm a little more mature than that.
Martin Crane: No, you're not. It still bugs you that his name comes first alphabetically.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, that was your fault!

[about Frasier and Chelsea's trophy]
Martin Crane: Well, I'm proud of both of you. And squash might not be the toughest of sports, but it's still technically a sport.
Chelsea: What? Squash can be pretty tough!
[Martin scoffs]
Chelsea: Oh, no, no, no, no. I once saw a guy break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.
Martin Crane: [to Niles] That's the game you guys play?
Dr. Niles Crane: [fighting nausea] Hell, yeah!


"Frasier: Rooms with a View (#10.8)" (2002)
Roz Doyle: [Frasier and Martin are making a lot of noise at the vending machine, Frasier sticks his hand in the slot to get Martin's candy bar] What is going on over there?
Martin Crane: [about his candy bar] Chunky's stuck.
Roz Doyle: Well why did Chunky stick his arm in there in the first place?
[Frasier glares at her]

Martin Crane: [about to get a Chunky bar from the machine] Oh... but there's a Marathon bar... oh now I'm not sure what to get.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Go with your first pick, get Chunky.
Martin Crane: But I haven't had a Marathon bar in years.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Then get Marathon.
Martin Crane: Come to think of it, I think they stopped making Marathon bars in the '80s.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Then definitely get Chunky.


"Frasier: Hooping Cranes (#8.15)" (2001)
Martin Crane: Would you cut it out, I'm trying to watch the game!
Dr. Frasier Crane: We're just playing I Spy, Dad.
Martin Crane: I know, and it's distracting.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we used to do it all the time on family vacations.
Martin Crane: And it was distracting then, so cut it out, or it'll end up like our family trip to Arizona.
Dr. Niles Crane: You mean you'll turn around in your seat and almost drive the arena into the Grand Canyon?

Martin Crane: I know I always told you boys that sports aren't important... but they are!


"Frasier: Adventures in Paradise: Part 1 (#2.8)" (1994)
Daphne: [writing a letter] Mr. Crane, is the proper term "serial killer" or "serial murderer?"
Martin Crane: Serial killer, why?
Daphne: Oh, just letting my old mum know what's going on in Seattle. She worries when she doesn't hear from me.

Martin Crane: You know, these things don't happen that often. It's like when I met your mother, it was at a crime scene. Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, you're a ghoul.
Martin Crane: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline, they hadn't moved the body yet.


"Frasier: Dial M for Martin (#6.3)" (1998)
[Roz suggests that Martin move in with Niles]
Roz: Niles's place is so huge, and he's at work all the time.
Martin Crane: Yeah, that's true. And Maris is out of the picture now...
Roz: You know what? I just thought of something. For a while there your daughters-in-law were Maris and Lilith. Whoa, Happy Thanksgiving!

[Niles is trying to weasel out of inviting Martin to stay with him]
Niles: Eddie... you know, Dad, I just realized, my building doesn't allow dogs.
Martin Crane: Oh, well that's it, because I'm not leaving Eddie.
Niles: Oh, what a shame.
Martin Crane: Yeah, I guess I can find someplace. It can't be too small, though, 'cause it's gotta have a bedroom for Daphne.
Niles: [reconsiders] You know, Dad, about that no-dog rule? I could speak to Clarice, the head of our co-op board.
Martin Crane: Really? You think she'd make an exception?
Niles: Well, let's just say she's bent quite a few rules in her time, and if she doesn't want her husband to find out, she'll bend this one.


"Frasier: Dark Victory (#2.24)" (1995)
[having gone out of his way to cheer everyone up on his father's birthday, everyone is abandoning Frasier's planned celebration to join a party downstairs]
Frasier: No, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood any more.
Daphne: Oh, don't be a party pooper.
Martin: Ah, leave him. He's always been this way.
Frasier: Excuse me! Just-just a second! I think it's time we learnt what it is to walk in the shoes of this particular party pooper. I spend the damn week administering to the troubled and the neurotic and the just plain goofy, and then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, in the cafe, even in this building. More people. More problems. I suppose they think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.

[after arguing about doing Martin's exercises for the umpteenth time]
Martin: Just decided what I want for my birthday: fire Daphne!
Daphne: You'd have to re-hire me first, because I quit! I hope I never see this place or that hateful old canker sore ever again.


"Frasier: Martin Does It His Way (#3.3)" (1995)
Niles: [attempting to write a song for Frank Sinatra] I don't mean to quibble, but it seems like your heart is always going either hidy-heydy, ringy-dingy, or scooby-dooby.
Martin: Look, I don't need another critic.
Niles: Right. Perhaps a cardiologist.

[about Aunt Louise]
Martin: Every year she was gonna take a trip to the South Pacific. It was a big dream, but would she spend the money? No, she just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.
Frasier: My guess is she finally made it.


"Frasier: The Babysitter (#11.4)" (2003)
Martin Crane: [discussing Ronee] I thought you brought her here for me!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Since when do I bring you women? Who are you, the Sultan of Brunei?

[Martin leaves for his date with Ronee]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, don't you want to take your "cheese"?
Martin Crane: No, thanks, boys. I'm working without a net.


"Frasier: Ham Radio (#4.18)" (1997)
Frasier: The people of Dad's generation would sit around the radio every night, absolutely mesmerized.
Martin: We were a simple people.

Frasier: I spoke with the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired, "Nightmare Inn".
Martin: Oh, don't tell me... a bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
Frasier: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
Dr. Niles Crane: So we can stop wondering.


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 1 (#8.1)" (2000)
Martin Crane: Oh, look. Isn't that my Winnebago pulling out from the gas station?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I'd say so. You know, Dad, I'm amazed you let Simon drive that thing.
Martin Crane: Oh, it'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking and driving.
Dr. Frasier Crane: He did understand you were *discouraging* it?
Martin Crane: [laughing] Of course...
[reconsiders]
Martin Crane: Uh-oh.

Daphne Moon: So did Simon get you home all right after dropping my family at the airport?
Roz Doyle: Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood trying to parallel park the Winnebago. The highlight was when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.
Martin Crane: How many did he get? My record's five.
Daphne Moon: I suppose he followed that up with some sort of clumsy advance?
Roz Doyle: Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on my babysitter! She showed him why she's the star of her JV soccer team.
Daphne Moon: You know, Mum claims he was dropped as a child. I think he was thrown.


"Frasier: Author, Author (#1.22)" (1994)
[after a bitter argument with Niles]
Frasier: Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his responses.
Martin: Have you talked to your brother yet?
Frasier: I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

Frasier: Morning all!
Martin: Morning.
Daphne Moon: You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Why shouldn't I be?
[Picks up a muffin and begins to take a bite]
Martin: Well it's going to rain again, jobless rates are up and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.


"Frasier: The Innkeepers (#2.23)" (1995)
Frasier: Daphne, Dad. Everything alright here?
Daphne Moon: Oh, yes Dr. Crane. Whatever this anguille is, it's perfectly smashing.
Frasier: It's our chef's specialty. The man can do things with eels you just wouldn't believe.
Martin Crane: I arrested a guy for that once.

Frasier: We'll make the place very, very exclusive! No sign on the outside, no advertisements and oh, an unlisted number!
Martin Crane: Hey, well don't stop there! Maybe you could post some guards on the roof who can shoot people as they try to get in.
[Daphne laughs]
Frasier: Never mind him. I believe, Niles. Do you believe?
Niles: I believe!
Otto: Have you decided what you'd like?
Frasier: Yes. I'd like the whole damn place... right from the wine cellar to the rafters!
Otto: [long pause] And for the lady?


"Frasier: Roz and the Schnoz (#5.21)" (1998)
[Martin comes back early from a trip to San Francisco with his old Army buddy]
Frasier: Dad! What are you doing here?
Martin: Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steakhouse was a sushi bar, and this morning, Duke and I went out for a walk. We passed City Hall, and there's this big crowd, kind of like a pep rally or something. So, we joined them. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear, and the next thing you know, everybody's throwing rice, and all the men are kissing each other, and all the women are kissing each other, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married.

Frasier: Quiche Lorraine, anyone?
Steve Garrett: Quiche her? I hardly know her!
Paula Garrett: Oh, Steve!
Steve Garrett: [Puts nose over it] Boy, that smells wonderful.
Paula Garrett: [With nose over it] Does it ever.
[Frasier holds in his laughter]
Paula Garrett: Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?
Steve Garrett: Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosy.
[Frasier tries his utmost not to laugh]
Paula Garrett: Me nosy? You're the nosy one in the family.
Steve Garrett: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosy!
Paula Garrett: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!
Martin: [Frasier walks back to the kitchen] Something wrong, Fras?
Frasier: [Frasier bursts with hysterical - and clearly audible - laughter] "Quiche her? I hardly know her!"
[everyone laughs]
Frasier: I just got that!


"Frasier: The Ann Who Came to Dinner (#11.13)" (2004)
[standing at the side of the road, after being pulled over]
Dr. Niles Crane: We don't have time for this, we have to get to the bridge!
Policeman: According to her tracking device, your wife is in this vehicle.
Dr. Niles Crane: But that's absurd!
Daphne Moon: [annoyed] And she's his *ex*-wife!
[sound of doors slamming]
Martin Crane: Oh no, the press is here!
Policeman: Open the trunk, sir.
Dr. Niles Crane: Please, please, there's an item of a very personal nature in there, so if you could just keep the media back...
Policeman: [drawing his gun] Now!
[Niles opens the trunk, the policeman rummages inside]
Dr. Niles Crane: See? No Maris. Oh, careful, careful, that's what I didn't want you to...!
[the policeman reveals the painting]
Martin Crane: Oh, jeez.
Policeman: What the hell is that?
Dr. Niles Crane: It's Pan, the satyr. A minor god of mischief, debauchery, and fornication.
Daphne Moon: [fondly] That's what our son would look like if I were a goat!


"Frasier: High Holidays (#11.11)" (2003)
Frasier: Dad, when you were at the cafe today you didn't eat a brownie Roz bought for Niles, did you?
Martin: [In his boxers holding a carton of ice cream] Yeah, but I replaced it...
Frasier: For God's sake! That was a pot brownie, you're stoned off your ass!


"Frasier: Voyage of the Damned (#5.6)" (1997)
Martin: [giving Niles food advice] Now the buffets come at a pretty good pace, so you gotta pace yourself. And watch out for your fillers - your breads, your rolls, your chips, your dips. You've only got so much room - don't be a hero.


"Frasier: Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz (#6.10)" (1998)
Martin Crane: I don't know how to be Jewish.
Niles: Well, just answer questions with a question.
Martin Crane: Like what?
Niles: What, I have to explain everything?
Martin Crane: Can't you give me an example?
Niles: What, I should give you an example?
Martin Crane: Are you going to help me or not?
Niles: You're saying I'm not being helpful?
Martin Crane: Oh, forget it!


"Frasier: Goodnight, Seattle: Part 2 (#11.24)" (2004)
[to Niles and Daphne's baby son]
Martin Crane: Hey, David, remember me? I'm your grandpa.
Ronee Lawrence: Yes, and I'm your... Sorry, I just, I can't say it yet.


"Frasier: The First Temptation of Daphne (#9.3)" (2001)
Martin Crane: You sleeping?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was trying to. I'm attempting to rearrange my schedule. Apparently, His Royal Chirpiness is nocturnal, so I have to be, as well.
Martin Crane: I got the answer to the problem, right here in this box.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, we couldn't squash him with the shoes we already own?


"Frasier: The Wizard and Roz (#8.20)" (2001)
Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over and we'd like to use the living room.
Martin Crane: Oh, fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses.
Daphne Moon: Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on.
Martin Crane: [smugly] Thank you.


"Frasier: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 2 (#8.2)" (2000)
[on the way to the Natural History Museum]
Dr. Niles Crane: Why do you like Pygmies so much?
Martin Crane: They're short and they blow darts. What's not to like?


"Frasier: Frasier Loves Roz (#3.22)" (1996)
Martin: [recording his memoirs] My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now... I'm *dead*! Trapped in a box, underground...
[chuckles]
Martin: Pretty scary, huh?
[he throws his head back and laughs evilly. Niles lowers the camcorder]
Niles: Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?
Martin: All right, all right, I do.
[Niles resumes filming]
Martin: Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, le-le...
[he pretends to choke and die. Niles wearily turns the camcorder on himself]
Niles: Future generations, see what I had to put up with?


"Frasier: Daphne Returns (#8.19)" (2001)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, uh, what do you say we head out to dinner over at the steak house?
Martin Crane: The steak house! Really?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What the Hell. The blood's just been flying through my arteries lately.


"Frasier: Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice... (#2.14)" (1995)
Martin: This world would be a happier place if everybody would remember two little words: people stink.
Frasier: I'm sorry, but that's just a little cynical for me. I don't want to go through life thinking the worst of people. I prefer to think of them as basically good and decent.
[into the phone]
Frasier: Yes, I am here. But, you know, I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a speech right now, so you'll have to hold.


"Frasier: Everyone's a Critic (#7.4)" (1999)
Martin Crane: Remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad.
Martin Crane: Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"
Daphne Moon: Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward.
Martin Crane: Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty.


"Frasier: Moon Dance (#3.13)" (1996)
Martin: You think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?
Niles: What are you implying?
Martin: You know damn well what I'm implying. Take my word for it - you're sticking a fork in a toaster.
Niles: Well, my muffin's stuck!


"Frasier: The Show Where Lilith Comes Back (#1.16)" (1994)
Lilith: [to Eddie] Go away!
[Eddie runs off]
Frasier: Now why does he listen to you and not to me?
Lilith: By my tone of voice. He knows I mean business.
Frasier: I see, so you're saying your voice is more commanding than mine.
Martin: Hell, I took half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog!


"Frasier: The Show Must Go Off (#8.12)" (2001)
Jackson Hedley: Ahhh! You must be the Crane pater. It is a pleasure to encounter the head waters whence spring these twin rivers upon which I have launched my humble craft.
Martin Crane: Likewise.


"Frasier: Can't Buy Me Love (#1.14)" (1994)
[Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem]
Niles: Uh-uh.
[Martin reaches for another piece]
Niles: Mmm-mmm.
Martin: All right, what would you do?
Niles: Well, for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.
Martin: That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
Niles: In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven.


"Frasier: The Maris Counselor (#5.13)" (1998)
Dr. Niles Crane: You know, I said I wanted closure, but I won't have it until I do one more thing...
[He takes off his wedding ring and goes to the balcony]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, be careful, Niles, from this height that could hurt somebody.
Dr. Niles Crane: No, all clear.
[throws the ring and shouts]
Dr. Niles Crane: Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time!
Martin: Uh, Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?
[Niles looks down]
Martin: Whoa! Oh, well, a good body shop will be able to pound that out.


"Frasier: Taps at the Montana (#6.18)" (1999)
[first lines]
Martin Crane: Hey, boys. How was dinner?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, let's just say, when I picked my lobster out of the tank, I had no idea he was in for a better evening than I was.


"Frasier: Chess Pains (#3.18)" (1996)
[after Niles introduces his dog, clearly a canine substitute for Maris]
Daphne Moon: Am I the only one?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane: No.
Daphne Moon: Does Dr. Crane have any idea...?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Martin Crane: No.


"Frasier: Goodnight, Seattle: Part 1 (#11.23)" (2004)
Martin Crane: Ronee! While we're young!
Ronee Lawrence: Too late!


"Frasier: The Zoo Story (#5.12)" (1998)
Martin: Oh, hey Niles.
Niles: Hello, Dad. Uhh, looks like we had a little mix-up last night with our bags at the video store.
Martin: Believe me, I noticed.
Niles: [gives him the tape] Yes, there you go. At first I was dismayed; I popped in the tape and there was Charles Bronson blowing away street trash. I actually got into it... it was quite suspenseful.
Martin: Yeah, well, that's the way Duke and I felt about "My Dinner With Andre." Talk about suspense! "Will they order dessert? Will they leave a good tip?"


"Frasier: A Day in May (#8.23)" (2001)
[last lines]
Board Member: Can you tell us what consideration, if any, you've given this crime?
David Hicks: Well... I regret it, everyday. I was young at the time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the consequences. And I'm very sorry.
Board Member: The victim is here. Mr. Crane, would you like to make a statement?
[Martin stands, looks at the prisoner's mother, then shakes his head]
Martin Crane: I have nothing to say.
Board Member: Would you give us a moment?
[pause while the board members confer]
Board Member: Mr. Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this against your conviction of shooting a police officer during the commission of a robbery, and find that the length of your time served has not yet met the standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as required by state law. Parole is denied.


"Frasier: Bla-Z-Boy (#9.7)" (2001)
[after Frasier accidentally destroyed Martin's armchair, Martin enters the café where Frasier and Niles are talking]
Dr. Niles Crane: Hey, Dad. Um, taking Eddie for a walk?
Martin: Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home, Frasier would set him on fire and throw him off the balcony.
[later, Martin comes back]
Martin: Well, I've got my coffee. Black, nothing fancy, but if you don't like it, you're welcome to set it on fire and throw it off the balcony.


"Frasier: Bad Dog (#5.18)" (1998)
Martin Crane: I'm no hero - I just wanted you to shut up!


"Frasier: Dark Side of the Moon (#7.22)" (2000)
Simon Moon: And this here is Paris.
Martin Crane: Paris? Does that make you French?
Paris: No, but a couple of beers might.


"Frasier: Liar! Liar! (#4.10)" (1997)
Frasier: You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien.
Martin: Seems as good an explanation as any!
Frasier: He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head.
Roz: How did Lilith find out?
Frasier: Well, apparently she was driving him and two of his friends to a Junior Mensa meeting, when she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars. So, never have the words "*I* can see you!" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants!


"Frasier: Kenny on the Couch (#10.17)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: After one night out with you in a bar, the man is ready to throw away three weeks of intense analysis.
Martin Crane: Well, Fras, the guy's finally having a little fun. Don't you want him to be happy?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I am not trying to make him happy! I am trying to cure his depression.
Kenny Daly: Hey Marty, does this remind you of anything?
[Kenny downs his cup of coffee like a shot of liquor]
Kenny Daly: Ow, hot!


"Frasier: The Botched Language of Cranes (#2.6)" (1994)
Roz Doyle: Is that a new TV?
Martin Crane: Yeah.
Roz Doyle: That's great. Did you get it hooked up yet?
Martin Crane: No, I decided I'd let Niles take a crack at it first.


"Frasier: Roz's Turn (#4.17)" (1997)
Daphne: I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports, should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr. Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning?
Martin: Don't you worry about me. I may not be the rookie of the year any more but I can still move around the bases!
[Roz comes in]
Roz: Oh, hey, Martin.
Niles: Oh, look, a scout from the majors.


"Frasier: Wheels of Fortune (#9.16)" (2002)
Frasier: Now there was a lesson learned.
Martin: Yeah, don't throw a guy out of a wheelchair. Who knew?


"Frasier: Hot Ticket (#6.4)" (1998)
Frasier: Niles, there is another way.
Niles: You don't mean...
Frasier: Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain.
Niles: You can't be serious. It's unthinkable.
Frasier: Niles, what other choice do we have?
Niles: But the indignity, it reeks of desperation.
Martin: Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line.
Niles: What did he think we were talking about?


"Frasier: The Crucible (#1.6)" (1993)
Martin: For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old - it's time you learned something. The system ain't perfect - sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department - well, sometimes, they're just not there when you need them, so you can let it eat a hole in your stomach or you can just file it away under the heading "Sometimes life sucks."
Frasier: Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty thick!


"Frasier: The Harassed (#10.12)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but I have absolutely no feelings for that woman except contempt.
Martin Crane: There he goes again. You know what they say about people who protest too much.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know what you used to say: they should all be tear-gassed!
Martin Crane: [pause] I still think that, you know.


"Frasier: Hungry Heart (#8.14)" (2001)
[Daphne falls and can't get up; after Frasier, Niles, and Martin lift her to her feet]
Martin Crane: Daphne, I just thought of something funny: it took three Cranes to lift you!


"Frasier: A Tsar Is Born (#7.7)" (1999)
[Frasier, Martin, and Niles are all watching "The Antiques Roadshow."]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [coming back from the kitchen] Dad, did we miss anything?
Martin Crane: Nah, just some bozo with a credenza who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Meyer.
[They all laugh]


"Frasier: IQ (#6.19)" (1999)
[on Frasier and Niles]
Martin: Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
Daphne: I suppose all brothers are like that. Mine certainly were. Everything was a contest! Who could the run the fastest, jump the highest. They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until that year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then when he got five quid for it, why it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them!
[laughs]


"Frasier: Oops (#1.10)" (1993)
Martin Crane: Hey, Frasier, what happened to Bulldog?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [nervous] Who told you?
Martin Crane: Nobody told me anything. I tuned into the Gonzo Sports Show like I do every afternoon, and they had Father Mike filling in. I hate that! All it was, was "Notre Dame, Notre Dame, Notre Dame..."


"Frasier: Sweet Dreams (#5.24)" (1998)
[Martin has just returned with Daphne, having bailed her from jail]
Frasier: Daphne! Daphne, it's so good to have you home, safe and sound.
Daphne Moon: Sod off.
Martin Crane: She's a little mad at ya.
Frasier: Yes, thank you, Dad.
Frasier: Daphne, I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.
Daphne Moon: As you should. You left me handcuffed and helpless.
Dr. Niles Crane: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me.
[a look of innocent confusion from Daphne and eye-rolling from Frasier]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...for help.


"Frasier: Shutout in Seattle: Part 1 (#6.23)" (1999)
Frasier: You know, this is sort of a surprise, I guess. We didn't expect to see the two of you together.
Kit: [her arms around Niles] Oh, I had my eye him from the minute I saw him. He's always so neatly put together. I just couldn't wait to mess him up!
Dr. Niles Crane: And mission accomplished!
Frasier: So, Niles, you haven't seen Maris then since Sunday?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, is that who you thought I was here with? That's funny. No wonder you were upset.
Kit: Who's Maris?
Dr. Niles Crane: My ex-wife.
Kit: Well, if you want to see her too, that's cool. I told you, no strings... Just FUN!
Martin Crane: You always want your kids to have more than you had.


"Frasier: Mother Load: Part 2 (#9.13)" (2002)
Martin Crane: Face it, Fras: Cam's got you on this one. Boy, I have to say, that guy is smart.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, really? Well, if he's so smart and you're so smart, why don't you two live together?
Martin Crane: At least he's got a view.


"Frasier: Sliding Frasiers (#8.13)" (2001)
Daphne Moon: [holding three shopping bags] Could you give me a hand here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I would, except I've sprained my shoulder.
Martin Crane: [pointing at his hip] Bullet in the hip.
Daphne Moon: You still have one good arm, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, the doctor told me to take it easy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh! I met a girl today!
Daphne Moon: Yeah. So did she.


"Frasier: Three Valentines (#6.14)" (1999)
[Daphne suddenly starts crying]
Martin Crane: What's the matter with you?
Daphne Moon: [sobbing] Well, look around you. Nothing but couples in love. It's never gonna be me. I'm just going to end up a dried-up old maid in a quilted bathrobe with a smelly, deaf cat on my lap!
Martin Crane: But I thought you said you were okay with that.


"Frasier: The Impossible Dream (#4.3)" (1996)
[Frasier is having doubts about his sexuality]
Frasier: I was sensitive as a child; I didn't go in for sports. God, it's every cliche in the book. Surely it must have occurred to you at some point? You refused to take me to see "West Side Story" on my eighth birthday.
Martin: Well, because of the gangs. That's scary for kids.
Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
Martin: Especially gangs that dance!


"Frasier: Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine (#4.9)" (1997)
Frasier: You old fraud!
Martin Crane: What?
Frasier: You made her think she'd broken your heart.
Martin Crane: Well, of course I did. If a woman breaks up with you, you have to act sad. It's only polite.
Frasier: Polite? My God, Dad, guilt is a very destructive emotion...
Martin Crane: Ah, spare me the Ivy League bull. There ain't a dame alive who wouldn't rather break a guy's heart than think she hadn't even made a dent in it. I may not have been to Harvard, but I have been to the College of Love.
Frasier: Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship!


"Frasier: The Love You Fake (#9.20)" (2002)
Martin Crane: I've done some calculating, and in the last nine years, I've carried 2.8 tons of laundry approximately 106.4 miles back and forth to the basement. That's the same as carrying an SUV on my back to Canada!
Daphne Moon: Maybe we should ask him to buy a washer-dryer.
Martin Crane: Oh, there's an idea! I was going to suggest moving the apartment closer to the laundry room.


"Frasier: Crane vs. Crane (#3.19)" (1996)
Martin Crane: Why are you walking funny?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, suffice it to say, today I learned it is unwise to slide repeatedly down a fire pole wearing woolen trousers.


"Frasier: The Matchmaker (#2.3)" (1994)
Frasier: That's my brother, Niles. He's a little... how would you describe Niles, Dad?
Martin: I usually just change the subject.


"Frasier: Room Full of Heroes (#9.6)" (2001)
Martin Crane: [for Frasier's party, Niles is dressed as Martin and Daphne as Elton John] All right, stop it.
Dr. Niles Crane: What?
Martin Crane: I don't want to watch myself make out with Elton John.


"Frasier: Love Bites Dog (#4.2)" (1996)
Martin Crane: New suit, huh? Who's the lucky girl?
Frasier: Well, if you must know I'm meeting a friend of Roz's today after work, but it's no big deal.
Martin Crane: Well, congratulations. What's it been? A year?
Frasier: It has not been that long!
Martin Crane: I remember the tree was still up.


"Frasier: Back Talk (#7.10)" (1999)
Frasier: [Frasier throws his back out] I went to see the doctor last week, and he told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.
Martin Crane: Oh, doctors never tell you anything. They're just a bunch of overpaid quacks.
[Frasier glowers at Martin; Martin hems and haws]
Martin Crane: I don't mean you! I'm talking about real doctors!


"Frasier: The Life of the Party (#5.22)" (1998)
Dr. Niles Crane: I don't think we're really quite hard up enough yet to stage a singles party.
Martin Crane: Ok, suit yourself. Well, we'll just get ready for the evening. I'll dish out the spaghetti, and you guys set up the card table. I got us a new jigsaw puzzle. Ten thousand pieces. It's called "The Wheat Field."
Frasier: I'll send the invitations.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'll call the caterer.


"Frasier: The Friend (#3.11)" (1996)
Martin: [contemplating Daphne's health drink] There just aren't enough drinks that build up a nice head of black foam.


"Frasier: Police Story (#3.20)" (1996)
[Martin has begun dating a woman that Frasier found attractive]
Frasier: Well... it's not as if we were standing side-by-side when she chose you. I was at the bar! If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.
Martin: I don't think so.
Frasier: Dad, I'm drowning here. Please, throw me a line!


"Frasier: The Last Time I Saw Maris (#3.8)" (1995)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Niles is gone and has left a note] 'Dear Frasier, Dad, and Daphne, by the time you get up and find this note, I'll be gone. Thank you all for your love and support, but I don't want to be a burden anymore. Love, Niles'.
Daphne Moon: Oh dear... you don't think...
Martin Crane: Of course not. We know my gun is still locked up, and the balcony doors are still locked.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and Daphne's shepherd pie is still in the fridge.


"Frasier: Daphne Does Dinner (#10.14)" (2003)
Dr. Frasier Crane: As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
Martin Crane: As usual, Martin has to hear about it.


"Frasier: Someone to Watch Over Me (#2.19)" (1995)
Frasier: Well, you're a fountain of comfort this evening!
Niles: Oh, I'm just teasing. If you must know, I'm a little jealous. I told Maris about your troubles. All she does is sulk and talk about bodyguards. "Why don't we need one? Aren't we important enough to be stalked?" I have no idea what to say to the poor woman.
Martin Crane: Tell her to just go on being herself and her day will come.


"Frasier: Caught in the Act (#11.15)" (2004)
Frasier: Nanette!
Nanny G: God, I could throw you down on this floor right now and...
[sees the rest]
Nanny G: Hi!
Frasier: Here, let me take your wrap...
Daphne: [aside to Martin] Isn't she the children's entertainer?
Martin: Yeah, SpongeBob Hotpants.


"Frasier: Desperately Seeking Closure (#5.8)" (1997)
Frasier: [has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.
Frasier: Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.
Niles: Oh, snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Wrong list, Daph.


"Frasier: Cheerful Goodbyes (#9.21)" (2002)
Martin Crane: That's quite a mug callus you have there.
Norm Peterson: Judging from your grip, I'd say you were a can man.


"Frasier: Call Me Irresponsible (#1.7)" (1993)
[Though it's October 21st, Martin and Daphne decorate the apartment for Christmas, to take the picture for their cards]
Daphne Moon: [looking at the tree] Oh, it's lovely.
Daphne Moon, Martin Crane: [singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...!
[Frasier comes in from his nap]
Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me... exactly how long have I been asleep?


"Frasier: Roz in the Doghouse (#2.12)" (1995)
Martin Crane: If you weren't so damn stubborn, you'd apologize to Roz, get her back on the show, and everybody'd be happy.
Frasier: As usual, you've overlooked a key psychological component in this whole issue.
Martin Crane: You'd have to admit you were wrong.
Frasier: Exactly!


"Frasier: Our Parents, Ourselves (#6.12)" (1999)
Shangri-lino: Hey, it's the Coyote!
Dr. Niles Crane: Evening, evening, Jimbo. Check you later.
Martin Crane: Wow, you got a nickname down there already. That's great! The Coyote?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And how did you earn that honorific?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, it was quite the merry road. Yes, it evolved from Niles to Nilesy to Niley to Nile E. Coyote and now simply "The Coyote."


"Frasier: The Unnatural (#4.16)" (1997)
Frederick: Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?
Frasier: No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a S.W.A.T. team.
Martin: They got there later!


"Frasier: You Can Go Home Again (#3.24)" (1996)
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, Dad tells me that today is your three-year anniversary, so we're going to take you out to dinner.
Frasier: Well, thank you. Dad, how did you know?
Martin Crane: Oh, I heard that woman who called in.
Frasier: [surprised] You listened to my show?
Martin Crane: Well, sort of... I fell asleep during the Mariners game. But when I woke up, you were on.
Frasier: And you didn't turn me off?
Martin Crane: I did not! I listened to you for ten minutes before I finally dozed off again.
[laughs]
Frasier: Faint praise, and yet it thunders in my ears.


"Frasier: The Doctor Is Out (#11.3)" (2003)
Martin Crane: Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. The other son is jealous. Yep, life is good.


"Frasier: Cranes Go Caribbean (#8.24)" (2001)
Martin Crane: I just want to say that I'm not the only fisherman in the family. In fact, I'm not even the best one. One year ago, after seven years of trying to get her to bite, Niles finally hooked Daphne. And I think we'd all agree that she's quite a catch.


"Frasier: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2000)
Simon Moon: Thank you Marty, it's most hospitable of you.
Martin Crane: Well, you gotta have a place to stay...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Stop right there! He cannot stay here! The man is loud, ill-mannered, and the last time he stayed here he killed a ficus tree on the downstairs neighbor's balcony by means which are best left to the imagination!


"Frasier: Murder Most Maris (#11.8)" (2003)
[Maris has been arrested for murder]
Daphne: So where is she now?
Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.


"Frasier: Maris Returns (#11.7)" (2003)
Niles: [hyperventilating] I can't do this! I'm telling her a new lie every time I open my mouth!
Martin Crane: Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It's called marriage!


"Frasier: Miss Right Now (#11.19)" (2004)
Martin Crane: Plus, I'm startin' out with one strike against me.
Ronee Lawrence: Mother still remembers a night he drove me home from babysitting you and Niles, thirty years ago...
Martin Crane: Forty years ago.
Ronee Lawrence: I'm telling this story. I was all weepy because this guy had just dumped me, and your father put his arm around me, just to be nice. And Mom saw it and she thought he was trying to rob me of my virtue.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [chuckling] Oh, that's crazy.
Ronee Lawrence: I know, like there was anything left to rob.
[They all laugh]


"Frasier: Morning Becomes Entertainment (#7.19)" (2000)
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I must confess, there's a part of me that wishes I could still do the TV show.
Martin Crane: Well, there's a part of me that wishes that monkey was cooking dinner instead of you-know-who... but we put our dreams away!


"Frasier: Semi-Decent Proposal (#8.21)" (2001)
[to Frasier, about him tutoring Kirby in order to get set up for a date with Claire by Lana]
Martin Crane: I remember when you used to tutor kids so they wouldn't beat you up, so I guess this is progress, huh?


"Frasier: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast (#1.13)" (1994)
Martin Crane: Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that's a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you're doing it to!


"Frasier: Moons Over Seattle (#9.24)" (2002)
[about Gertrude coming on to him]
Martin Crane: Great, I cheated death in Korea for this!